Escaflowne Episodes: My Vision of Escaflowne
by Dilly-Oh
Summary: At last, here they are, all 26 Escaflowne Episodes, taken and totally altered for your humorous enjoyment! Hitomi is a normal highschool girl, until she's kidnapped by Van and taken to the crappy world of Gaea! Will she ever escape? Read and review!
1. Episode 1: Effed Up Confession

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne or any of the characters, yadda yadda. It's just fun to write about 'em.

Escaflowne

Episode 1

F-ed Up Confession

"Where_ is_ that girl!" Yukari snapped from her seat on the bench. Stretching her aching legs, she glanced around the race track furtively. "She's _always_ late. Late for practice, late for lunch, late for her period – oh. Wait. That's impossible. Okay, never mind!" She sheepishly dropped her eyes to the ground.

Not too far off, cries of "Excuse me!", "Gang way!", and "Outta mah way, bi-otch, before I bust ya face!" could be heard as Hitomi Kanzaki hurriedly made her way to the race track for practice.

"Why am I always late?" She gasped while shoving a pint-sized underclassman out of the way and into the path of oncoming traffic. Oblivious to the ensuing screams of pain and screeching of tires, she continued, "I'm late for practice, late for lunch, late for my period – oh. Wait. That's impossible. Okay, never mind!"

Drawing herself up for her gravity-defying leap, she sprang easily into the air and landed in slow motion onto the pavement. Abruptly, there was a loud snap! and Hitomi fell to the ground, shrieking and clutching her ankle in agony. An ambulance pulled up and, after the paramedics placed her on a stretcher, transported her to the nearest available hospital.

-About an hour later-

Hitomi came hobbling down the steps of her previously failed attempt of a good first impression and slowly made her way over to Yukari, sporting a new spiffy-looking cast.

"I'm sorry I'm-" She began.

"OHMYGODIT'SHIM!" Yukari squealed, causing Hitomi to jump in fright and hurt her leg even more. "Look Hitomi, look! It's…Michael Jackson! Girlish Scream." Hitomi gave Yukari a strange look.

"Um…Don't you mean it's Amano?" She asked. Yukari went bright red.

"Uh…yeah…him too…cough." She blushed. "Look! (For real this time!) Amano! He's about to race!" She pointed at a tall, handsome older boy with long, girly brown hair at the starting line. Hitomi immediately swooned and held up a sign that said "I love you, Amano!" and began shrieking "I love you! Marry me, Amano!" along with several other such lines.

Amano bent over – Hitomi nearly fainted – and readied himself for the signal to start. When it came, he shot from his mark and, with flames on his heels, streaked into first place and easily won the race by a loooong shot. At the end, however, a sickening snap! was heard and Amano, writhing in agony, fell to the ground, clutching his ankle.

- About an hour later-

Amano was now also sporting a new cast, (fluorescent pink, of all the colors) but managed a weak smile at Hitomi.

"Go say hi!" Suggested Yukari, nudging Hitomi in the ribs. Hitomi contemplated this for a moment, then saw the grotesque buckets of sweat covering Amano due to the exertion of the race.

"Uh….maybe later…" She gulped, trying to keep a straight face.

"Oh, come on!" Yukari grinned, "Why don't you show off your well-toned thighs?" So saying, she seized Hitomi's cast, ripped it off, and yanked down Hitomi's pants.

"OH MY GAAAAWWWDDD!" Shrieked the entire school.

"Oops. I got your undies too. Sorry 'bout that."

"_Yukari_!" Hitomi howled in mortification. She quickly pulled up her gym shorts and panties and took her mark at the starting line, ready for her turn to race. Stealing a glance at Amano, she sighed in relief as she saw him absorbed in the act of brushing his hair, and had missed the whole thing.

"On your marks!"

Hitomi bent over, and suddenly Amano was behind her, snapping pictures eagerly of her behind with a large flash-camera. Hitomi squeaked in embarrassment until Yukari came to her rescue and dragged him off the track by his hair.

"I just _brushed_ it!" He sobbed.

Inconspicuously, Hitomi's pink pendant fell out from her shirt and hung for all to see from her neck. Hey – it's not like its _important_ or anything, right? Hitomi grasped it and safely tucked it back into her shirt.

The signal to start rang on, and Hitomi sprang from her mark. Pedaling her strong legs as fast as she could, she quickly took the lead.

"Go Hitomi!" Yukari cheered from the sidelines, where Amano was busy re-brushing his hair to its previous perfection.

As Hitomi neared the finish line, a strange flash of light blinded her vision, and suddenly a young man with dark hair and strange armor stood before her.

"Hot DAMN!" Hitomi thought, "Mama sita! What a Hunkasaurus! Gimme them digits, hun, so's I can phone ya!" Strangely enough, once getting closer to the stranger, she simply passed _through_ him, not _into_ him. "Hmm. _That's_ strange. Most guys I meet _aren't_ holographic projections. We can still be friends, right?" She thought as it all became too much for her and she fell to the ground, unconscious.

Strange figures drifted through Hitomi's mind as she slept. The young hotty she had seen previously stood in front of a gargantuan, grizzled man with scars on his face.

"Okay, prince, be a good lil' boy and go kill a dragon. Try to be back before supper." The large man grunted. "Also, try not to _be_ supper, like your loser brother."

The strapping young man glanced sharply at him. "My brother? Grr….I have no brother! He shames our family's name! My brother is a disgrace, a miscreant, a –" The scene began to fade out.

"I'm not_ done_ yet, dammit!"

Another vision danced into sight, this one of giant robots battling under a blood red sky, surrounded by crumbling towers.

"Holy freaking crap." Hitomi said in awe. "What the hell am I _on_?" The ground beneath her feet crumbled, and she fell screaming into blackness. A winged specter suddenly appeared and saved her, however. "What is it? Day of the hotties?" Hitomi muttered under her breath. The scene began to fade… "Just when it was getting good!"

"I'm still not _done_, dammit!" A lone voice interjected.

Hitomi slowly opened her eyes and looked around. She was in the high school infirmary, tucked in bed, and the – sweet baby Jesus! Amano was sitting right there next to her! What was he doing here? Quick, how did she look? Did her breath smell? Did she have B.O.? Such thoughts ran in her mind as she sat there dumbly staring at him.

"Hey, Hitomi!" Amano said, breaking the awkward silence. "I brought you here after you fainted (probably due to my overwhelming manliness). You're not bulimic or anorexic, are you? I sure hope not, cause then I would worry and – awww, screw it. Just KISS me!" Amano lunged at Hitomi.

"Wait!" Hitomi yelped, "Don't you want to see my pendant first?" Amano paused and gave her a sultry look.

" 'Pendant' being a euphemism for…?"

"For my_ pendant_, the one around my _neck_, you perv. Do you want to see it or not?" Hitomi ground her teeth. Amano gave Hitomi another coy look.

" 'See' being a euphemism for…?"

"Sicko…" Hitomi muttered.

"Hellooooo Cleveland!" Yukari sang as she slammed open the door and found Hitomi and Amano in a very precarious position.

"It's not what you think!" Hitomi began.

"It's _exactly_ what you think!" Amano finished.

Yukari stared at them for several more moments before grabbing Hitomi and dragging her the hell out of there.

"Call me!" Amano yelled after them, winking.

-Later-

"What the hell was t_hat_?" Yukari asked, looking inquisitively at Hitomi, who immediately went bright red.

"_That_ was nothing! Nothing happened! I just asked him if he wanted to see my pendant and - "

" 'Pendant' being a euphemism for…?" Yukari interrupted.

"Geez." Hitomi rubbed her aching head. "You're just as perverted as he is. You two would make a great couple."

"I _can_ forget about what I saw…" Yukari said slyly, "For…say…fifty bucks…"

"FIFTY BUCKS! Are you crazy! I thought you were my friend!" Hitomi screamed.

"Naw…I'm just kidding." Yukari smiled. "I'll just take your cheesecake."

"MY CHEESECAKE!" Hitomi howled, even more appalled than before. "Are you insane! You know how much I love cheesecake – more than Amano, I'll tell you that much – do you know how much you're asking for! Why are you - "

"Y'know, Hitomi," Yukari said out of the blue, "You should tell Amano how you feel about him."

"I…do…happen…cheesecake…WHAT!" Hitomi mumbled in confusion over the sudden change of subject. "I can't do that! Why would I want to do that?" Yukari gave her a serious look.

"Because Amano's leaving." Hitomi gasped. "Overseas." Hitomi gurgled. "Tomorrow." Hitomi clutched her chest. "You'll probably never see him again." Hitomi was frantically pounding at her chest, trying to make her heart function again. "EVER." Hitomi fell to the ground in spasms before slipping into a coma. "Hitomi?"

-At Hitomi's house-

"Well," Sighed Hitomi, "I might as well do a reading on Amano and I…" She took out her cool Tarot Cards and began. "Hm…Ace of Serpents…Tower card…la la la…okay! It looks like what Yukari said about Amano is true! He really is leaving! Well…poop. What do I do now?" She thought back to her and Yukari's previous conversation. "I guess I should go tell him how I feel…or something…"

-At the school race track-

"Amanooo!" Hitomi called, running fast to catch up with her crush. "Don't leave yet! I need to ask you something!" Amano turned and waited for Hitomi to catch up.

"What is it?" He asked. "Are you going to let me look at your…'pendant'?"

"NO." Hitomi growled, out of breath. I want to ask you something before you leave." She held out her pendant – the one around her neck, get your mind outta the gutter – "If I can break my record of 13 seconds for the 100 meter dash, can you please-"

"Sleep with you?" Amano suggested.

"No!" Hitomi said, horrified. "I want-"

"You want to make out with me? Do a strip-tease? French kiss a little? C'mon, what am I looking at, here?"

"A KISS! A little, tiny, no-more-than-a-second (or maybe two) kiss! That's all! Okay! Geez!" Hitomi hollered. Amano contemplated this.

"Wellll….why not?" he agreed. Instantly the track lights snapped on, illuminating the darkness.

"My_ eyes_!" Hitomi screamed.

"My _hair_!" Amano shrieked.

"Sorry." Yukari blushed sheepishly, stepping away from the light switches. "Good luck, Hitomi! Look!" She held up a bag. "I coincidently brought your gym bag full of everything you'll need in the event of an abduction to a faraway land! You probably won't even be_ needing_ it, right?"

"Mnnk joo!" Hitomi mumbled, pulling her track shirt on over her head. Now properly dressed for the occasion, she found her mark at the start and bent over. Yukari snatched Amano's camera away and restrained him before he could act. Amano swung the pendant.

"Go!" He cried, pulling free of Yukari's grasp and giving her a withering glare.

Hitomi took off like a rocket and set her sights on the finish line in the distance. Closing in quickly, she squealed mentally in delight at the happy thought of getting her first kiss from Amano.

That is, until that all-too-familiar flash of light came back, with a _vengeance_. Once again, the attractive young lad stood there, decked in his strange armor.

"Noo!" Hitomi thought hysterically. "Not _now_! I know you're hot and all but this is my first kiss! From Amano! Can't this wait? Oh, yeah. Wait. He's just a holographic projection, a figment of my imagination, a – okay, enough. I can just run right through him! Yipee!"

THUD!

Hitomi _slammed_ into the boy, _flew_ back a hundred _thousand_ feet, and landed considerably hard on her fanny.

"Owwwiiiieeeeee! I think I broke my ASS!" She cried, rubbing her sore rear.

"Nooo!" Amano wailed in dismay before Yukari smacked him upside the head. Hitomi looked up at the (attractive) stranger.

"I thought you were just a _fantasy_ - "

"Say _what_!" Amano hotly intervened. "You two have just met and you're already having fantasies of _him_? What's the _deal_? Where do _I _fit it – unless you're cool with me being in there too…"

"There seems to be_ no _intelligent life on this planet…" The stranger grumbled.

"Umm…who are you?" Hitomi asked.

"I am Van of Fanelia..." He said, then cocked his eye at her. "And you'd better clear out of here. There's a_ dragon_ coming." He paused, as if waiting for a confirmation.

Only crickets chirping could be heard. Van cleared his throat and said, a little louder, "I _said_, there's a _dragon_ coming."

Silence was his only answer. Hitomi and Yukari exchanged confused glances. Amano coughed nervously. Van growled and turned.

"HEY! DRAGON! Get your scaly ass over here!" He hollered. A deep bellow of rage and earth-shattering thuds immediately issued from a forest that had seemingly, and strangely, sprung up from nowhere. A huge brown dragon lumbered from the trees, still snarling in anger. Reptilian eyes blinking, it fastened its gaze on Van and roared once again.

"_That_ got its attention." Van smiled in satisfaction. He glanced back at the others. "Now, don't worry. You just have to make sure to remain calm, not scream, and not make any sudden movements so as not to upset it more - "

"RUNNNN! DRAGON! RUUUUUNNNN!" Screamed Hitomi, Yukari, and Amano, wind-milling their arms about and running in circles in their panic. The dragon immediately roared and slammed its powerful tail into Van's gut, doubling him over.

"Thanks bunches, guys." He gasped, then felt his stomach heave. After regurgitating his meal, he managed to recover.

"Hmm…I don't remember eating_ that_ for breakfast. Argghh…" Grumbled Van, pulling a crossbow from somewhere on his person. "I'm glad we see _eye_ to _eye_." He said cheesily as he accurately shot out one of the dragon's eyes. The dragon screamed in pain, then countered with belching fire onto the vulnerable warrior. Van, however, was safe and sound behind his nifty-looking shield.

Meanwhile, Hitomi, Yukari, and Amano were trying to make a quick getaway. Well, it _would _have been quick, except for Yukari…

"Oh! My ankle!" Yukari went down in a heap.

"C'mon, get up! You can make it!" Hitomi urged. Yukari complied.

"Oh! My_ other_ ankle!" Yukari collapsed again.

"Yukari! You can do this!" Amano cheered. "Let's go before the dragon gets us!" Yukari stood up.

"Oh! _Both_ my ankles!" And down again.

"For goodness sake! Get on!" Amano scooched down to allow Yukari to clamber onto his back. "Why does this always happen during a dramatic scene!"

The three quickly ran for the nearby temple and headed up the stairs.

"We'll be safe up here!" Amano comforted. "There's no way that dragon can climb up these stairs!" Hitomi rolled her eyes.

Back with Van and the dragon, things weren't going so well. Having lost interest in Van, the dragon swept its eyes…er…_eye_ in the direction of the three escapees and started after them, growling in hunger. Van intervened.

"Not so fast, big boy!" He snapped out a cool-looking hook thing from his arm and succeeded in catching onto the dragon's scaly back as it took off. Pulling a cowboy hat from somewhere, he began to ride it like a rodeo bull. "Yeehaw! Ride 'em, cowboy!" Rodeo clowns leapt up from their chairs at a table and tried to distract the dragon by running around, shouting and waving their arms, but to no avail. The dragon, after snatching up one hapless clown, charged past without a second glance. Coming to the 'stairs' previously appraised by Amano, it contemplated them while munching on the clown. Sucking him up, it shot an 'are-you-freaking-kidding-me?' look at the world, then leapt into the air and used the gate poles as a quick and easy means of transportation.

"You're an idiot." Hitomi stated as she watched the approaching dragon heave itself up after them.

"I was_ sure_ it would work!" Whined Amano.

"Enough of this!" Van cried from atop the dragon. He leapt off and readied his sword before the dragon. "Come on! Let's finish this!" The dragon growled in agreement.

Hitomi shook her head as a sudden image popped into her head. The dragon could use its tail…to kill that guy…oh, no! She had to help him! She mustn't let that vision come true! Running forward, unheedingly past Yukari and Amano, she cried, "Watch out for the TAIL!"

"Huh?" Van turned to see what the weird girl was talking about. Luckily enough for him, that move saved his life. The dragon narrowly missed him with its deadly sweep of its tail and simply ripped off Van's armor. Van stood still for several seconds.

"I could have _sworn_ I had on some armor a few seconds ago." He stated. He then rounded on the dragon in anger. "That was my best Fanelian armor! Do you know who much that _costs_! And the interest rates! Prepare to die!" So saying, he leapt up and over the tail of the dragon and sliced it a new ass as well as a new stomach, chest cavity, and throat.

"Yay! He killed the dragon!" Hitomi cheered. "I could _hug_ him!" But upon seeing the grotesque buckets of green dragon's blood covering him, she hesitated. "Um…maybe later."

Van was paying no attention. He expertly slashed open the dragon and pulled out…

"Yes! My very own Drag – Energist! Worship me!" He crowed, holding his prize aloft. Hitomi's face was a mask of horror.

"That's its _heart_, you idiot." She gagged.

"What?" Van looked and saw that it was, indeed, the still-beating heart of the dragon, which was pumping blood down his forearm. "Oh." He rummaged around in the carcass for several minutes before locating the elusive pink crystal ball. "Hah! Feast your eyes on this baby!" He gloated. Then he turned to Hitomi. "Hey, I want to thank you for…wait…oh, yeah. I'm supposed to be a jerk to you so the audience won't have any idea about our relationship further in the series."

"Okay!" Hitomi agreed. Van cleared his throat.

"I didn't need _your_ help to kill that dragon! I could have done it by myself!" He said arrogantly.

"You jerk!" Hitomi retorted, "You so could not! No way would I fall for _you_! Not for…say…another 23 more episodes!

Once again, that famous beam o' light suddenly surrounded Hitomi and Van. "Beam me up, Scotty!" Van called, ready to return to the mother ship. They both began to float upwards, into the sky.

"Help! Get me down!" Hitomi shrieked as she rose.

"I'll get you down!" Amano dumped Yukari off his back (Thud "Ow!") and ran for Hitomi. However, she was already too far up and the only thing he accomplished was getting a great view of her from his vantage point ("Yow-za!") and giving Hitomi back her pendant.

"Gee, thanks Amano," Hitomi said sweetly, "But can't you…you know…what do you call it…possibly…maybe…GET ME THE HELL DOWN!"

"Don't worry, Hitomi!" Yukari called from the ground. "You've got your gym bag, which is chock – full of everything you'll need in this type of emergency! You'll be fine!"

"Easy for you to say!" Hitomi yelled back down.

"What!"

"I _said_, easy for you – "

THUD!

"OOFF!" Hitomi grunted, then gingerly rubbed her stinging rear. "Y'know, nothing really_ tops_ the day off like breaking you ass twice after fainting, having hallucinations, not getting kissed by your crush, and getting chased by a dragon."

"Are you done whining yet?" Van asked arrogantly, attracting her attention.

"If his face weren't so pretty I'd smack it…" She thought angrily. Then, suddenly, she realized what was happening. She was all alone. With a guy. In the middle of no where. And nowhere was in the middle of a meadow with two freaky-ass moons in the sky and darkness all around and nowhere to run to.

"OhhailMaryfullofgracehesgoingtoRAPEME!" Hitomi shrieked and began going into hysterics. Van gave her a strange look.

"Are you okay? You're all white and twitchy." He asked.

"I'm fine! Just don't touch me! And…where the HELL is that freaky music coming from!" Hitomi sat up and looked around frantically. The music sounded like Gregorian Monks and was coming out of thin air.

"Eeeeesssscccaaaaafflllooooonnneeee…..Eeeessscccaaaaffflooowwwwnne…" They sang.

"Uh, yeah. They do that a lot. You get used to them after awhile." Van explained.

"I SWEAR, if one more freaky thing happens I'm gonna - " Hitomi was cut short by the snarling of animals in the shadows. Everywhere around the two were eyes staring at them. "That is IT. I am calling my agent, I am talking to the director, I am going to sue his ass and see him in court, and then I am going to…"

-Episode 1 End-

Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own Escaflowne, the show or the Guymelef.


	2. Episode 2: Girl From the Messed Up Moon

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne, some other dude does.

Escaflowne

Episode 2

The Girl from the Messed Up Moon

Recap: Hitomi Kanzaki, a normal Japanese High school girl, has been abducted to a strange land full of freaky-ass things after running into a strange boy at the race track and is threatening with lawsuit. Now back to the story.

Hitomi Kanzaki shivered in fear as the glowing eyes surrounding her and Van crept closer and closer. To her dismay, she had realized she'd forgotten her cell-phone and therefore couldn't get in contact with her agent.

"Who's gonna get one hell of an ass-whuppin' once I get back," She snarled to herself. "Now how am I supposed to get out of this mess?" Van gave her a comforting look.

"Chill, lady." He soothed. "They're cool." He gestured to one of the growling animals, which, upon closer observation, turned out to be an animal-_man_. His whole body was covered in brown fur, but otherwise that, he was quite human. Hitomi stared at him suspiciously. Still snarling wildly, the animal-man stepped closer.

"Grrr….gnnkkkk….snarl…cough cough." After clearing his throat, he continued in a normal voice. "Sorry 'bout that. I've got some serious sinus problems. Gets pretty congested up in there." He turned to Hitomi in a friendly (or as she saw it, menacingly) fashion. "My name's Ruhm, and _I'm gonna get you_…"

"Ohmygoshohmygosh-" Hitomi's life began to flash before her eyes.

"…A nice ride to Van's hometown in my wagon! C'mon!" Ruhm finished in a cheery manner. Hitomi's heart began beating once more as she gasped in relief.

"I told you they were nice," Van pointed out again as he climbed into Ruhm's wagon. Hitomi nervously followed suit.

"Now, be careful back there," Ruhm began, "to not mess up my wagon, _or else I'll be forced to_…"

"Ohnoohnoohno-" Hitomi's body shook all over.

"…ask you nicely to not do it again! Haw haw haw!" Ruhm laughed happily. "Really, though. If you mess up my wagon, I'll kill you."

"Ah…hahahaha…" Hitomi managed to laugh.

"I'm dead serious about that last part."

"Oh God."

-Awhile later-

"So, little lady, where is it you said you were from again?" Ruhm asked over his shoulder. Hitomi gulped.

"Uhhhmmm…Earth?" She said. Ruhm gave her a sharp glance.

"You mean the Messed-Up Moon?" He corrected.

"No…I'm pretty sure it's called Earth. Having _been_ from there and all."

"Well, around here, everyone calls it the Messed-Up Moon, due to its…messed- upness." Ruhm said with finality. He pointed up at the sky. "You can see it right from here, its so honkin' big." Hitomi looked up and was shocked to see that the freaky man was right. The Earth was floating right up there in the sky, along with the other weirdo moons.

"If I didn't still know what my name was and my standards haven't dropped, I'd _swear_ I was high right now."

"Uh, what?"

-At Fanelia-

"Horray! We're here!" Ruhm cheered, reining his yaks in. "Good ol' Fanelia, land of the Windmills, Red-necks and Hill-billies!" Fanelia was a sprawling town located in between two enormous mountains, and, as Ruhm had said, was chock-full of hill-billies and windmills. Hitomi wasn't surprised to hear someone strummin' a banjo to the tune of "Deliverance". Several ho-downs were taking place, along with lots of foot stompin' and shouts of "Get 'er done!"

"Ahh…Fanelia." Van sighed in contentment. "I'd better appreciate it while it lasts." Ruhm gave him a look.

"What?" He asked.

"Oh, uh…cough. Nothing." Van turned away. "Damned Zaibach…"

"I can hear you, y'know. These ears don't just make me look pretty."

"Look, will you just – oh! A crowd's forming! C'mon, let's go!" Eager to change the subject, Van quickly leapt out of the wagon, slipped in yak manure, and promptly made acquaintances with the ground. Hitomi was all too happy to also get out of the wagon since her previously broken ass hadn't made the ride any nicer. And indeed, a crowd was forming. Smiling and laughing, they gathered around Van and Hitomi. All too soon, however, there was a break in the tranquil environment.

"LORD VAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN!" A red haired cat-girl (always gotta have the cat-girls, eh?) wearing a yellow dress shot out from the crowd and did a perfect quarter back tackle to Van. She immediately picked him up over her head and smashed him onto the ground again, then began strutting around and hollering things like, "YEAH! We number ONE! Number ONE, baby!"

"Nice to see you, too, Merle." Van mumbled from his landing place in yet more yak manure. Merle helped him up and began licking his face.

"I bet she probably just finished licking herself." Hitomi thought privately.

"Ohhh! I missed you SO much, Lord Van! I even made a voodoo doll of you and worshiped it while you were gone! Aren't I sweet?"

"Actually, Merle, that's just kinda _creepy_." Van said slowly, eyeing her. Just then, several burly men, including the large grizzled one with the scars from Hitomi's vision, came out of the crowd and approached Van. Merle reluctantly let go of Van and retreated a few steps.

"Well, prince, I'm glad to see that you're not mince meat, like your brother." He said in a gruff voice.

"My…brother?" A menacing look came into Van's eyes. "I said it before, Balgus, I have no brother! He's a loser, a vagabond, a-"

"Okay, okay, already. We get it." Balgus rubbed his head. "Just show us that Drag-Energist thingie you got from the dragon to prove you're not a pansy-ass wussy."

"But I don't need the Energist to prove I'm not a -" Van began.

"Just show us the damn crystal!" Balgus barked, cutting him off. Van, looking offended, pulled out the pink crystal and held it aloft for all to see. Balgus snatched it from him and began appraising it rigorously.

"Mmm hmm….mmm hmm…" He grunted, turning it this way and that. "MMM HMM…I got it!"

"What is it?" Van asked, leaning closer. "Is it a real Energist?"

"Naw, I finally got this popcorn kernel out between my teeth. I've been working on it for a week." He picked it out of his mouth and held it up to Van's face.

"That's disgusting, man." Van stated. "So, what? Did I get the real deal?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's real." Balgus tossed the sphere back to Van. "Let's have a party 'n crap for your coronation."

"Bring out the banjo's and moonshine!" Someone in the audience shrieked.

-Somewhere else in town-

Several of Fanelia's esteemed Samurai warmed up their Guymelefs for the upcoming tournament in celebration of Prince Van's coronation. One, a rather distinguished Guymelef with a large bone skull on its crotch, took the liberty of stopping and saying, "I have a boner. Get it? There's a skull on my crotch so it's like I have a-"

"For goodness sakes, man!" Another of the Samurai hollered from his melef. "If it wasn't funny the_ first_ time, what makes you think it'll be funny the next _seventeen_ times!"

"Sorry."

-Outside Fanelia-

Several giant Guymelefs quietly made their way toward the city of Fanelia, with one thing on their mind – crashing the party. They-

"You're not supposed to be able to _see_ us, dammit!" One of their pilots snarled.

Oh, right. Sorry about that. Ahem. Several _invisible_ Guymelefs quietly made their way toward the city of Fanelia, with one thing on their mind – crashing the party.

-Back at Fanelia-

Hitomi stared out the window of the house she was staying in. Could this world get any weirder? There were freaky moons, freaky animal people, freaky giant robots – well, the giant robots were pretty damn cool, but she wasn't about to let anyone know she thought that. She sighed and leaned her head onto her arm.

"Amano…Yukari…I miss you guys…" She murmured against her arm, closing her eyes. She let her mind wander and her body began to relax.

"Wake up, ho-bag." A harsh voice snapped her back to reality. Hitomi shrieked and flung herself away from the window sill in time to see the cat girl, Merle, climb in and stare at her obscenely.

"I just want you to know…" She said with menace, "I'm Van bi-otch, so you'd just better back off, all right? If his chocolate 'accidentally' falls into your peanut butter, you're gonna be answering to my claws, you got it?" Hitomi stared at her in confusion.

"Um…I wasn't planning on…you know…whatever you just said…" She stuttered.

"Oh, don't you even try!" Merle snapped. "You've got 'potential love interest' written all over you! …now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna look through your stuff without asking." So saying, she began rummaging through Hitomi's gym bag.

"Hey! You can't do that! Hands off!" Hitomi hollered.

"What's with the dirty magazines?" Merle asked, holding one up. Hitomi blushed.

"Those aren't mine, I swear! …give it back!" She hissed. Merle, however, had found something else of interest.

"Purty…" She cooed, staring at Hitomi's pink pendant. "I think I'll keep it. Bye." Merle shot out the door and down the hall with Hitomi in hot pursuit.

"My Grandma gave that to me! Give it back!" She gasped, trying to shorten the distance between them. "Geez, for a track runner, shouldn't I be able to do this in, like, a snap?" She stopped short when something strange caught her eye. Peeking through the slightly opened door she had discovered, she saw Van and Balgus facing each other with swords.

"Hooo….heeeeeeeeee-YAAAAHHH!" Van shrieked his feral war cry before launching himself at the larger man. Balgus simply lifted and hand and easily batted Van aside, who_ slammed_ into the wall, then_ slowly_ slid to the floor as if boneless. Van allowed himself to utter a tiny "Ow."

"Wuss." Balgus snorted, then heaved Van up. "Prince Van, here's some constructive criticism: you suck. You don't charge aggressively enough. You've got to charge at me like you mean to kill me."

"Kill? Is that when you make someone sleep for a really long time?" Van asked innocently. Balgus shook his head in despair.

"Yes, Prince Van, a _very_ long time."

"But I don't _want_ to, Balgus. I hate…killing, and blood, and pain, and war. You know that, right? How can I ever be a real kick-ass swordsman if I hate killing?" Van sighed.

"Think of me as your brother." Balgus stated. Van's face twisted up in rage.

"_Must kill…blood must flow…must die painful death…"_ He snarled.

"That's the spirit." Balgus smiled, then finally noticed Hitomi. "Come on in, young lady. What's the matter?"

"Oh? What are _you_ doing here?" Van asked in his usual snooty manner. Hitomi was about to shoot back a scathing retort when Merle shoved her out of the way and again tackled her beloved Prince.

"Do you have any questions?" Balgus politely asked Hitomi. She thought for a bit, then gave him a serious look.

"Actually, yes, I do have a question for you." She cleared her throat and continued. "Since you're like, seven freaking feet tall, just how big is your pe-"

"I think it's about time for your coronation, eh, Van?" Balgus quickly cut her off short, eyes wide and face turning red. "Wouldn't you agree, Van?"

"Well, Balgus," Van admitted, "She does make a good point. I'm interested in her question, too. You're about twice as big as any normal guy, so yours must be, like, two feet lo-"

"_It's coronation time, dammit! Get your ass over to the throne, NOW_!" Balgus shrieked, face steaming. The others shrugged and complied.

-At the Coronation Ceremony-

Balgus proudly presented Van, who was now King of Fanelia, with the Royal Sword of Fanelia in front of the masses of the town. Balgus' face, however, was so scrunched up from trying to hold back his peals of laughter due to Van's 'regal' coronation armor that one couldn't be sure if he was having a stroke or was simply constipated. He was not alone, though, as the entire audience also had to act like there was nothing wrong, that Van's clothes actually fit his spindly frame, and hold back their laughter, also.

-Outside Fanelia-

The invisible Guymelefs crept ever closer to Fanelia, closing in on their prey with stealth. Several watchmen, who were…_watching_, continued their conversation, not even noticing the evil-doers.

"I heard Van is getting crowned King today." One said.

"Damn, to bad we couldn't go." Said another. "I would have loved to seen Lord Van in that coronation armor. It would have been a good laugh."

"Plus he looks so damn _good_ in it." The first one said dreamily.

"Wh…what the f-!" The other didn't get a chance to finish his obscene remark, as the invisible Guymelefs had finally launched their attack. After finishing their assault on the watch post, they immediately went for the front gates. Even though the footprints of the unseen foes could easily distinguish where they _were_, the townsfolk stupidly acted like they had no idea where they were coming from.

"Well," Said one very reflective soldier, "what we _could_ do is use the footprints to distinguish where the foe _is_, but hell, lets just charge screaming at 'em and pray to everything that's holy that we hit a vital spot!" So saying, he ran shrieking into a wall.

Even from the balcony where the coronation was taking place, the fight could be seen. A Fanelian soldier came charging up on a horse shrieking.

"Enemy attack! Enemy attack! Zaibach is attacking!" He stopped and thought for a second. "Hey…if they're invisible, they how do we know Zaibach is the one who's …damn you, English Dub!"

"King Van," Balgus turned to Van. "You've got to beat it. Go get the Escaflowne from the shrine and get outta here. Okay?"

"Never! I'll never abandon my people!" Van growled.

"Well, if you want to stay and be hideously dismembered along with the rest of us, then be my guest." Balgus grunted. Van gulped and turned white.

"On second thought, I think I'll be going now." Van scrambled out of the ill-fitting armor, and along with Hitomi, ran toward the shrine.

Meanwhile, in the city, the acclaimed Samurai of Fanelia were getting their asses kicked by the Zaibach…er…unknown enemy.

"How the hell are we supposed to fight an enemy we can't even see!" One trembled in fear as he saw his comrades fall. "This is just like Predator! You can't see 'im, but he's out there… _waiting_." Just then, Arnold Swarzenagger, in his full Predator movie gear, stepped out from behind a building with a huge machine gun. Turning toward the chaos, he spoke in his heavy Austrian accent.

"You ah one…_ugly_…mothah fu-" A liquid blade promptly cut off the last of his line. "I'll…be…_baaahhck_…" He whispered before being crushed underfoot by the invisible giant.

-At the shrine-

Van stood in the center of an elaborate mosaic painted on the ground and gazed upwards at the chrysalis that surrounded his Guymelef. Drawing his Royal blade, he sliced his finger and let the blood-

"Owwwieee!" Van howled. "That huuuurt! Sob! Oh, _GOD_, look at all the blood! I'm not supposed to be bleeding that much, am I! Am I! Someone tell me this is normal!" He turned to the camera crew and held up the bloody stump of where his finger used to be.

-A while later-

Van, now with a large bandage wound around his hand, held his Energist aloft and waited for the Escaflowne to respond. The chrysalis surrounding the Guymelef began to break apart and fall down…right on Van.

-A bit later-

"F-ing Escaflowne…f-ing f-ed up way of getting it…" Van (this time covered in bandages) snarled while, once again, holding up his Energist. The pristine white Guymelef floated regally down to land on the floor in front of him.

"Hey!" Hitomi said, "That Guymelef is_ white_!" Van glared at her.

"What are you, _racist _or something? Would you rather a black one? Or a red one? Geez!" He muttered some more as he clambered into the melef. The Escaflowne's gears slowly churned as the melef came to life. Hitomi cocked her head.

"Listen! You can hear that freaky music again!" She said. The Gregorian monks were at it again.

"Eeeeessscaaaaafflllooowwwneee….Eeeeessscccaaaafffllooowwwneee…" They sang some more.

"Yeah, yeah. They do that when something significant is happening. C'mon, let's get outta here." Van manipulated the Guymelef into plucking Hitomi up off the ground. He sadly, however, wasn't a perfect pilot yet.

"_Organs…being…crushed_…" Hitomi gasped, turning blue. "_Can't…breathe_…"

"Whoops. Sorry." Van quickly corrected his error and held Hitomi more delicately. She gulped sweet air into her lungs and rubbed her aching organs. She blinked as the air to the right of them suddenly shimmered strangely, as if something was there…

"To your right, Van! Something's there!" She cried. Van jerked the Escaflowne that way and quickly yanked its sword out from behind its head and brought it up just in time to block the lethal blade of one of the unknown attackers. Hitomi noticed another one.

"To your left, Van! Watch it!"

_THUD! _

"Oops…I meant _my_ left." Hitomi said sheepishly.

"Get it right, dammit!" Van barked, wincing. The air behind him shimmered, and the arm of a Guymelef appeared. It took aim at the Escaflowne, but before it could fire its liquid metal…

"I'll save you, King Van!" Balgus bellowed, clutching the handle of a 20-foot long sword. Straining all his muscles, veins popping out of his neck, Balgus _heeeeaved_ at the sword and…nothing. The blade stubbornly refused to lift from the ground. Panting from exertion, he tried again. "Just a second, Van! I'll save you in a minute!" He yelled, still vainly trying to lift the enormous blade.

"Sure, yeah. Take your time." Van replied mildly from the cockpit of the Escaflowne. The invisible Guymelefs also settled down patiently to wait for Balgus. Hitomi drummed her fingers on Escaflowne's fist and checked her watch.

-A little later-

Balgus, still grappling with the sword, red-faced and sweaty, muttered several curses while trying to force it to budge from its resting place. Close by, the Escaflowne and the invisible melefs were engaged in a dynamic card game.

"Got any tens?" Van asked in a bored tone. The unseen melef jiggled its one visible hand holding its cards back and forth: a negative response.

"Damn." Van peered intently at his cards. "Fine, I'll go fish. You've got one _hell_ of a game face, I'll tell you that much."

-A while after-

"Okay, we have got to do something." Van said, having grown impatient. "We can't just sit here waiting for him." He gestured toward Balgus, who still hadn't made any progress with the blade. The enemy melefs, still unseen, moved their visible arms up and down rapidly: they agreed. One of them stepped forward, snatched the large sword away from Balgus ("I almost _had_ it, you bastard! Give it back!"), sliced off one of its own arms, then jammed the blade into its (now visible) faceplate. It immediately keeled over and twitched a few times.

"Umm…" Van cleared his throat. "That went well."

"Can we please go now?" Hitomi begged from her vantage point in Escaflowne's fist. She was fed up with playing cards and other board games – Van always won, considering he made her use her psychic powers to win – and she wanted her swollen abdomen to be free once again. Van nodded in agreement and the Escaflowne stormed out the doors of the shrine and into a bonfire.

No, seriously. A bonfire. Fanelia had been set ablaze and was now a sizzlin' barbecue. Van gaped in horror and he saw everything that he once knew and loved burn into oblivion. Suddenly, his eyes lighted with hope. He turned to see if…

Burt's Puppy and Kitty Shack was also ablaze, the flame eating hungrily and the roof and walls. The piteous yelps and mewling of week old puppies and kitties could be heard.

"_Noooooooooo_! _You heartless bastards_!" Van howled at the sky in overwhelming despair. "_You have no SOULS_!" As Van wept, several more enemy Guymelefs surrounded the Escaflowne and began to take aim. But before they could strike…

"I'll save you, King Van! I swear I will this time!" Balgus charged out of the shrine and at the enemy melefs with absolutely no regard for his own safety. "Last time was a fluke, I've got this one for su- Gaaak!" One of the melefs shot a beam of liquid metal at Balgus and stopped him short. He fell to the ground, clutching his wound. "Why is it that the mentor must always be slaughtered violently in front of the disciple!" He muttered to himself. Painfully turning, he said, "Van…listen to-"

"I'm, uh, over here, Balgus." Van corrected.

"Oh. Sorry." Balgus squinted through blurring eyes and located the Escaflowne. "Ahem. Vaaan…listen to me…you must escape, so you can have your revenge on us and stuff…and so you…y'know…_don't die_, cause you're the freaking _main hero_, I mean, c'mon, if you _died_, then that'd be to re-gosh darn-diculous, cause…Okay, I'm getting off track here. Just escape or whatever. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to die in the most excruciatingly horrible way possible to further your trauma and weaken your already fragile hold on sanity."

"All right." Van agreed. "Please continue."

"_GAAAHHH! GNKKK! RAAWWWGGGHHH!"_ Balgus began clawing at his throat, eyes bugged out, as his blood pooled underneath him.

"Wait…Balgus…don't die…" Van sniffed. "I still…have to ask you…" Balgus looked up.

"What is it, sonny? The meaning of life? Why we're here?" He asked. Van coughed and looked uncomfortable.

"A…actually, I just wanted to know how big your…._y'know_ was." Balgus sighed in resignation and glared at him.

"Oh, for goodness sakes, it's two and half feet long, and six inches thick, all right! Are you satisfied!" He barked. "Now if you'll _excuse_ me, I have to finish _dying_." And with that having been said, he flopped down to the ground, dead.

"Now what?" Hitomi asked nervously as she eyed the enemy melefs who began crowding in closer. "We have to get outta here, Van."

"Sorry, but we're totally screwed." Van stated matter-of-factly. "I don't see any way how we can get ourselves outta this mess. Unless, perhaps, if you tried screaming at the top of your lungs for no apparent reason." Hitomi shrugged.

"Meh. It's worth a shot." Dragging in a lung full of air, she let loose with one of her finest high pitched shrieks. "AAAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" And sure enough, miraculously, it worked, and the oh-so-familiar beam of light came to their rescue. "I _swear_, this beam of light must have a better agent than I do." Hitomi growled as she, Van, and the Escaflowne floated up, up, and away.

-Episode 2 End-

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah. Enough already. I don't own it…lalalala…


	3. Episode 3: The Gender Confused Swordsman

Authors Note: Sorry it took so long, but I had a lot of crap to do (college and whatnot). Anyway, I finally finished it, so, enjoy!

Disclaimer: Yeah, I don't own Escaflowne…

Escaflowne

Episode 3

The Gender-Confused Swordsman

Recap: Hitomi and Van take a trip back to Fanelia in Ruhm's wagon, where Van becomes King. Kick-ass! Sadly, Van's hometown got torched by Zai- er…an unseen enemy shortly after the ceremony. Van and Hitomi, with no help from Balgus, managed to escape by using the ol' tractor beam method of transportation. Now on with the show!

The Messed-Up moon shone brightly down on the slumbering earth, bringing a sense of peace and serenity to all those below. Somewhere deep within the leafy undergrowth of the forest, under the heavy cloak of darkness, a bush rustled, gently. A flash of blond hair filtered through the dense leaves momentarily, then sank back into the shadows. Abruptly, sniffing could be heard. The predator had scented its prey.

"Hmm…woman senses…_tingling_…" A voice whispered softly to itself. "I smell fresh meat nearby…" Nose to the wind, the hunter slunk off after the trail in the air to find its newest victim.

Van, the newly crowned King of Fanelia, stepped out from behind a smooth tree trunk and flickered his gaze around, keenly observing his immediate surroundings. After being scooped up by the now _usual_ Ray o' Light, he had been rather unceremoniously dumped into this strange place. He hadn't a clue where that chick Hitomi was (bad) or even where his Escaflowne had gone off to (badder). Van quickly assessed his current situation.

"Judging by these trees," Van stated smartly while gazing around, "I'm almost 75 sure that this is a _forest_."

"Well no freaking _DUH_, Einstein!" A rabbit shrieked from atop a nearby rotten stump. "Only an _idiot_ couldn't tell _that_! Tell us something we don't _already_ know, you _moron_!" Van stared at the rabbit in what was a mixture of fascination and revulsion.

"Wh…what the fu…a talking rabbit!" He asked in awe. The rabbit's eyes darted here and there, and twitched its ears nervously.

"Uhmm….uh….no…cough…_rabbit rabbit_…no, wait…what the heck sound does a damn rabbit make! Aww, screw it!" The rabbit went scurrying off into the underbrush. Van stared after it, dumbfounded.

"Okay…what the _EFF_ was that about!" He barked, bewildered. "That was messed up on as many levels I can count!" He sighed and shook his head. "Ah, well. Better go find that psychic chick." Standing up from the poison ivy he'd previously been sitting in, he set off through the trees, scratching his behind vigorously. "I sure hope she isn't getting _raped _or something…"

"I'd better not get _raped_ or something…" Hitomi growled as she huddled against her shelter of a large tree. "Because that was SO not in the job description when I saw that ad in the paper…" Slipping her hand down her shirt, she carefully extracted her pink pendant. "Sometimes…I talk to you, pendant…" She said dreamily. "You're my only friend. So, please, help me get outta this place before some freak comes along to violate my purity."

"Ding dong! Did somebody call for a pervert!" A short, bulky (aww, hell – FAT) man (?) with wisps of graying hair and jutting teeth sprang out of nowhere and grinned menacingly at Hitomi, his round sunglasses flashing in the moonlight. "Time to get mah rape on!" He crowed as he leapt at her. Hitomi's shriek was cut off as the pedophile bowled her over. "Now, y'see," He began, "it may _look_ like I'm trying to rape you, but I'm just really interested in your _pendant_, here…" Sudden painful flashbacks of Amano and his 'pendant' cravings appeared before Hitomi's eyes.

"OhmydearsweetlordgetthehellOFFMEEEE!" She shrieked. "And who the hell gave you those dumb glasses, John Lennon!" The dwarf quirked an eyebrow at her.

"Who's John Lennon?" He managed to ask before a beautiful white-and-grey owl swooped out from the darkness and began furiously assaulting the assault-er with its talons. "Ow! Awk! Cut it out, Hedwig, get back to Harry, you damn-!" He cut off as a figure stepped into view. The stranger stood back, just concealed in the shadows and made a show of adjusting his/her glove.

"You sicken me, Moleman." The Stranger hissed. "I thought assaulting lone women was _my_ job, remember!" Moleman gulped, Adam's apple bobbing, as sweat began to bead on his forehead.

"Uh…A-Allen…y'see-"

"Enough!" Allen barked, cutting him off. "Time to pay!" Dashing forward, he expertly slammed the squat man with a devastating uppercut…then followed through with a powerful drop-kick and a well-timed People's Elbow. Hitomi watched in horror as the newcomer Allen proceeded to beat the older man to within an inch of his life. After several more minutes of watching this abuse, Hitomi plucked up her courage and ventured to bring the beating to a close.

"Uh…excuse me?" She asked timidly in a tremulous voice. "But…he's just an old man…it's…it's okay, see? I'm fine! So…could you just – _oh for the love of God, just stop already! Look at all the blood! He's nearly dead_!" She ended in a holler. Allen froze and slowly turned away from his profusely bleeding victim and faced Hitomi. Smiling dazedly, he brushed a shining lock of hair back and fluttered his eyelashes at her.

Now that Allen was out of the shadows and illuminated by the moonlight, Hitomi could get a good look at him, if it _was_ a him. Allen was tall, with long blonde hair that framed his girly face. He wore a shiny blue vest with puffy white sleeves (God have mercy) and sported dark pants. Hitomi raised an eyebrow.

"I'm supposed to be _attracted_ to this guy?" She muttered dubiously. "This dude is one Cher concert away from being downright _gay_."

"Are you alright, Princess?" The man asked, drawing closer. "That scary man didn't hurt you, did he? He saved you all for me, right?"

"Wh-what?" Hitomi gulped, eyes flickering around, searching for any possible means of escape. Allen drew closer.

"Oh…uh…nothing. Nothing at all, sweety. You're alright now, see?" Smiling charmingly, he knelt over Hitomi and placed a hand on her shoulder. Suddenly, Hitomi realized what it was that had been bothering her since she had met this weirdo. He looked just like Amano! Well, besides being dressed in an openly gay outfit and having longer blonde hair and being a lot older and – okay, so he wasn't _exactly_ like Amano, but he was still quite close. _Geez_. Anyway, after being lost in the woods (which we learned from the all-knowing Van) and nearly raped by a dwarf, all this became too much for Hitomi. She collapsed into Allen's arms and clutched him tightly.

"Oh…Amano…" She whimpered before fainting.

"Hmm? Amano? Who's he?" Allen asked before heaving Hitomi into his arms. "Oh, well, too bad for him, since I'm stealing his lady - _I mean I'm simply, uh, taking care of her is all_. Until she gets better and stuff. Now back to my lair so I can finish the job of seducing – _I mean tending her wounds_." Saying this, he turned round and was about to carry out his nefarious plot until…

"Stop right there, Barbie! Get your mitts off the psychic chick! She's mine, so go get your own!" Van came crashing through the brush and halted before the man, blocking his way. Hitomi's previous scream of horror at the Moleman's attack had caught Van's attention and led him to her. Placing a hand warningly on his sword handle, he glared menacingly at Allen. "Put her down _now_, and step away, Blondie!" Allen's eyes narrowed at the crude remarks to his hair.

"If you value your life, don't draw your blade." He answered ominously, trying his hardest to sound cool. "It's my duty as a Knight to answer steel with steel."

"_OOooooOOOoooohh! Look what IIII'm dooOOooing_!" Van sang as he mockingly withdrew his blade from its sheath. "Whatcha gonna do about it, Lemonhead? Huh? You gonna slap me with your prissy Michael Jackson gloves! Huh?" He began to dance around, still taunting the man. "C'mon sissyboy, let's see what you got! I'll bet that color is _fake_!" At this last remark Allen seemed to lose it.

"Allright, _that's it_! No one calls my hair fake! No one! I'll have you know that this color is natural, you got it? 100 all natural!" He shrieked in rage, his face turning red. Carefully, he set Hitomi on the ground before facing the still prancing Van. "You're going to _regret_ this." Van seemed unconcerned of the threat.

"Aw, c'mon! I can kick your ass with one hand tied behind my back!" Leaping forward with sword upraised, he charged the man head on, shrieking his lungs out as he did. Allen, however, dodged the blow, then immediately shot up into the air and flipped over Van, landing effortlessly behind him. Van whirled around in shock. "Holy freaking crap! How the hell did you _do_ that, man! You, like, jumped 20 feet into the air and-"

"Enough screwing around!" The older man barked, cutting him off. "Come on and get me! I dare you!" Van scowled and leveled his sword at the Knight once again.

"I'll get you this time…you…" He growled before taking off at him. As Van and his blade closed in, Allen calmly sidestepped the blow and slammed the back of his blade into Van's gut. Unluckily for him, Van had previously eaten at the grand feast at his coronation ceremony, and so messily vomited all over the front of his pristine blue vest before falling over, unconscious.

"Well…crap…" Allen said dully, looking down at his ruined vest. "And I just got it, too…ah, well." He picked up the youth's sword and appraised it. Eyes widening, he raised the sword to the moonlight and recognized all too well the royal symbol emblazoned on the sword's handle. "Fanelia…" Just then, the owl flew back to land on its master's arm, but only succeeded in getting entangled in the man's long flowing hair, much to the discomfort of its master.

Horray! A change in scenery! An ominous floating castle constructed of dark rock and battlements hovered over the decrepit (and burning, don't forget burning) remains of what had once been Fanelia. Over the loud humming and churning of the floating fortress, a voice could be heard.

"So, am I to understand that you let those bumpkin Samurai damage two of my Alseides Units?" The voice berated. The bearer of the (quite girly) voice could now be seen. A young, slim man with shiny red armor, pale skin and silver hair sat languidly on a lion throne, addressing his blue-clad troops.

"Well, yeah, Sir, that's a pretty dumb question to ask." One of the soldiers being chastised said nonchalantly, running his fingers through his brown shoulder length hair. The other soldier shuffled his feet about, peering nervously from beneath his blonde, bowl-cut doo. "But you would have done the same thing if you would have been there. I mean, that big guy couldn't even _lift_ the damn sword, I was doing him a favor when I-"

"Silence!" Their master hissed, his red eyes flashing. "Step forward!" The two soldiers obeyed hesitantly.

"Watch the hair-" The long-haired one managed to put in before he crashed to the ground, felled by his master's resounding slap. Their leader then turned toward the blondie and soundly slapped him, too, also sending him to the floor.

"You _idiots_!" He barked, eyes aflame with rage. "What the hell were you thinking! You're going to ruin my reputation!" One soldier who knelt in the ranks rolled his eyes.

"I think you've managed to do that by yourself." He muttered under his breath. The red armored young man glared angrily at him.

"What was that, Gatti? Got something to say?" He sneered viciously. Gatti gulped and quickly lowered his gaze to the floor.

"No, sir." He mumbled, trying to hide beneath his curled brown bangs. Their master smiled smugly and turned back to his followers. The two previously punished soldiers had picked themselves up (the long-haired one trying to brush his hair back to perfection in dismay) and joined the others in the ranks. Grimacing, the fair-haired leader addressed his servants.

"I'll only say this once. I won't tolerate any _incompetents_ in my Dragonslayers!" He paused and thought for a moment. "I also won't tolerate smart-asses or know-it-alls! And optimists just annoy the _crap_ outta me! And also…_you_." He pointed to a young man in the back row. "I just can't _stand_ you. I don't know _why_, but I _can't_. So get out." He gestured toward the door. The young soldier stood and, with head bowed dejectedly, exited the room. Their leader ceased glaring after the departing soldier and quickly returned his gaze to the remaining men…er…boys. "Do you understand?" He asked threateningly.

"Yes, sir!" Everyone barked automatically. Smiling in satisfaction, their leader turned from them and departed.

-On another part of the big ol' hunk o' rock-

"Dilandau, there was no need to burn Fanelia down to the ground." A soft voice rebuked. "That was a very foolish thing to do."

"Finally!" Dilandau, who turned out to be the red-clad leader of the Dragonslayers, threw up his hands in exasperation. "I thought you'd _never_ introduce me, Folken! All these girls just couldn't wait to meet me!" He turned toward the hordes of rabid fangirls and began waving and blowing kisses. They immediately began shrieking and threw themselves at him, only to be stopped by an iron barricade and several bulky men dressed in dark suits and shades.

"We love you, Dilandau!" They shrilled. "You're so sexy! And beautiful!"

"Oh, _I know_." Dilandau said, running his slim fingers through his hair and smiling. "As if I needed _you _losers to tell me that."

"Oh my God!" One of the fangirls screamed. "Dilandau just _insulted _us! Oh my GodohmyGodohmyGod!" Several girls swooned and others were carried away on stretchers with oxygen masks strapped to their faces.

"Are you done yet?" Folken asked blankly, now accustomed to Dilandau's pack of rabid fangirls and their ferocious tendencies. Dilandau shrugged and joined him on the catwalk, waving goodbye to the crowds of girls.

"You know, Folken," He began, appraising his companion's dark blue clinging cape and short blue hair. "You could get a fanclub like me, if you weren't so freakily gothic and vampire-like. And don't go down Solid Snake's road with the whole mullet thing. That's a dark, _dark_ path." Folken cast him a confused look.

"Who's Solid Snake?" He asked. "And look who's talking! You're paler than I am! Get out in the sun for once! Go on a walk, or a picnic or something. Oh, and take my word for it: stay the HELL away from dragons."

"Uh, why?" Dilandau inquired.

"What?" Folken, distracted, jerked his head back around. "Did I say something?"

"Yeah, you just said something about drag-"

"No I didn't."

"_Yes_, you did."

"Shut up! No I didn't!" Folken barked, cheeks flushed. Dilandau paused.

"Wait…you were just about to reveal something to the audience, weren't you? _You almost ruined the story, didn't you?"_ Folken blushed and looked away. "You dumb ass! You could have blown the whole secret of how you and-"

"Now _you're_ the one who's going to ruin it, moron!" Folken cut him off in mid-sentence. "And you were just yelling at _me_ not to! Geez!" He sighed. "Look, let's just start over, okay? We'll return to before you were attacked by the girls." Dilandau nodded in agreement. Folken cleared his throat and began once again in a serious tone. "Dilandau, there was no need to burn Fanelia down to the ground. That was a very foolish thing to do."  
"Oh, be quiet, Folken!" Dilandau barked. "I don't need to hear crap like that from an amateur like _you_! You're the once who betrayed Fanelia! Why the hell would you care how we destroy it?" He paused and surveyed his new surroundings. They had entered a dark, circular room with three raised pedestals, which Folken was pushing down. "What is this room used for, anyway? Besides being your _lair_." Folken glanced back at him with annoyance.

"Maybe if you'd _shut up_ and stop calling me a friggin' vampire, I'd actually _tell_ you." He muttered angrily to himself. He cleared his throat and spoke loudly. "That's right, it's your first time here, isn't it?"

"Look, just hurry it up with this whole 'showey the new guy' thing, I have a hair appointment in half an hour," Dilandau huffed. Folken shook his head and sighed as he pushed in the last pedestal.

"Alright, alright. Look at the big screen." He pointed at an immense, circular TV-like screen situated above the two. Fuzz began to flicker and play across the screen, until...

"BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!" An impossibly worn, decrepit, aged, timely – okay, you get it, this guy is _old_ – man with a snow white beard surrounded by numerous watery tubes suddenly appeared out of nowhere onto the screen.

"AUUUGGHHH!" Dilandau nearly had a heart attack.

"Sir…can you please not do that anymore?" Folken asked, sighing and holding his head. "It's…well, it's embarrassing…" The old man on the screen, however, took no notice.

"Oooh hoo hoo hoo! I gotcha there, didn't I, sonny boy! Y'shoulda seen the look on your face! Hoo hoo!" He crowed. Folken cleared his throat.

"Sir, please? We're on a time limit, here. No more than 20 minutes an episode." He explained. The old man frowned at Folken, then nodded resolutely before becoming serious.

"Folken…" He rasped in a thin, whispery voice, "You must find the-"

"OH _GOD_!" Dilandau - who at this time had recovered enough to actually look at what was on screen - interrupted, a disgusted look on his face. "What the _HELL_ _is _that thing! How did it _get_ in here!" Folken sputtered and whipped around to face him.

"Shhh!" He began, trying to warn Dilandau, "quiet! That's Em-"

"Uuuugh! It's _looking _at us!" Dilandau gagged, covering his mouth with a hand and turning away. "It looks like a skeleton covered in plastic wrap!" Folken growled and tried again to divert Dilandau's attention.

"Dilandau," he hissed, "_THAT_ is Emperor Dornkirk!" Dilandau paused in his tirade.

"Oh," he said simply, "my apologies," then promptly threw himself facedown before his lord. Folken turned to Dornkirk.

"Please forgive him, my Lord," he began, "it's his first time here to see you and he was just a little, y'know…shocked." The wizened man on the screen grunted and nodded in understanding.

"Yes, yes," he said in his wavery voice. "I remember when _you_ first saw me, Folken. Couldn't eat solid food for a week. Care to know why?" He asked Dilandau.

"_NO_." Dilandau was too busy trying not to lose his lunch.

"Cause he _puked_ it up, that's why!" Dornkirk shrieked, getting into the conversation.

"Oh _geez_," Folken covered his face in embarrassment.

"Uuuurrrgghh…" Dilandau was crouched over, head between his legs.

"And I'm not talking about that solid stuff, either," Dornkirk continued, totally enthralled. "I'm talkin' about that real _nasty_ liquidy stuff that smells like-"

"Does he _really_ have to know this!" Folken interjected. "Can't you just please start yapping about the story like we're supposed to?" Dornkirk sighed.

"You sure you don't wanna hear about the puke?" He inquired one last time.

"YES!" Both Dilandau and Folken cried in unison. Dornkirk shrugged.

"Alright, it's your loss," he grumbled. "Besides, I don't really have anything significant to say except some mumbo-jumbo that only people who've already seen the series would understand and say, 'Oooh! _That's_ what he meant! Find the _Draaagon_!' Pretty damn confusing, if you ask me."

"Look, just say it anyway so we can get the hell outta here." Folken snarled, getting fed up.

"Alright, I'll give it a shot," Dornkirk consented. He cleared his throat. "Folken," he whispered, "the Dragons shadow is annoying…capture it…before it messes up my plans…and I do NOT want my plans disrupted! I mean, c'mon, I made a whole schedule for my "World Domination" and I am NOT changing it! Do you realize how long it took me to make! sob!" Dornkirk sniffled a little before continuing. "Anyways…go to Austuria…capture the Dragon there…you must capture it…did…did I mention to capture it?"

"YES! Okay! Good! Great! We're done!" Folken cried, throwing his arms up and storming away. Meanwhile, Dilandau raised a hand from his sitting place on the floor.

"Some one get me a bowl!" He called. "I think I'm gonna be sick!"

-Back with Hitomi-

Hitomi slowly opened her eyes and peered cautiously at her surroundings. She was in a sunlit field with trees, some leaves, grass, Amano, the sun- wait, WHAT! AMANO! Hitomi gasped and bolted upright. After making a quick check to make sure Amano hadn't tried anything while she was sleeping, she relaxed and turned to him.

"Amano? What are you doing here?" She asked softly. Amano smiled.

"Hey, Hitomi," he said, "You must be anemic or something. You just collapsed while running. So, instead of bringing you to the nurses office like a responsible person should, I just dragged your unconscious ass out in the middle of this field here so you could recover." Amano paused for a second. "Sooo…wanna make out?"

"Wha…NO! Why are you…? Was it all just a dream? That whole place with the freaky singing monks in space and giant armor thingies that fight and girly men who look like you was all just a dream?" Hitomi contemplated this sudden turn of events. "Thank the Lord! I thought it would never end! Oh, joy!" She clapped her hands in glee.

"Well, Hitomi…" Amano said, looking embarrassed, "I don't know how to tell you this…but…" Hitomi broke off her joyous singing to stare insanely at Amano.

"Don't you DARE-" she began.

"You're just dreaming this."

"DAMMIT!"

"Yeah, sorry. Life sucks, don't it? Time to wake up." Amano said, waving as his form blurred.

"You so of a-" Hitomi lunged toward him, but too late.

Hitomi's eyes popped open to an unimaginable horror. The man she had met that night, Allen, was leaning over her, lips puckered, attempting to steal a kiss for her while she was blissfully unaware in the world of dreams. Instinct immediately kicked in.

SLAP!

Allen staggered back, half of his face crimson from the strike. Hitomi quickly backed away from him, almost falling off the bed she was inhabiting. Recovering from her previous terror, she looked around to assess her current situation.

She was in a strange room, in a strange bed, with a bunch of gross, dirty, strange men. The fact that Allen was there didn't make her feel any better. In fact, it just made her feel worse. Allen, meanwhile, was nursing his injured cheek, but upon seeing Hitomi awake and confused, decided to try to save face.

"Oh! You're awake now, sweetie? How are you? You okay?" He asked, smiling. Hitomi didn't buy it for a second.

"Where am I?" She demanded. "How did I get here? Just who the heck ARE you!" The group of strange, stinky men also in the room decided now of all times to but in and start a ruckus.

"So, the princess is awake, huh?" One of them called. "Hey, baby!" Another crowed. Several more catcalls and whistles were sent Hitomi's way, much to her disgust.

"What a bunch of pervs…" She said, shuddering and drawing her blanket closer. One of the men had a red nose and unkempt black hair. Another was bald with scars and licked his dagger (only succeeding in cutting it wide open, he then dashed out of the room to the medic), and yet another was skinny with a handkerchief on his head. They all looked like bad news to her. Allen seemed to think so, too.

"Ok, that's enough!" He barked, "can't you see you're scaring her? Waking up to ugly faces like yours is bad enough!" The group of men stared at Allen in hurt silence.

"Geez, Allen! That was just MEAN! How could you SAY that! Sob!" Here several men broke from the group and ran to their rooms crying. Allen watched, dumbstruck.

"Um…I was…just kidding…" He tried. Meanwhile, Hitomi had stopped paying attention to the group. She turned from them to the open window and stared out at the large Messed-up Moon that hung in the sky. She sighed.

"Nya ha ha!" The moon seemed to say. "You're still stuck on the freakish place full of perverts and giant fighting robot thingies! Bwahahahaha!" Hitomi was forlorn.

"Amano…" She whimpered, "I thought that I had gone home…why can't I just go freakin' HOME!" She started to cry. Allen's women senses tingled and his instinct to seduce- I mean comfort women kicked in. He turned to Hitomi and leaned close to her.

"Hey, don't worry!" He crooned. "You can tell me anything! I am a Knight of your ass- I mean Austuria, and I'll do everything in my power to please- I mean help you."

"Perv…" Hitomi thought.

"It is my duty as a Knight, no, a…maaaan to make sure you're mine- I mean safe!" Allen continued. His subordinates watched in amazement.

"Man, the boss is one fruity guy, eh?" One commented. "How can he say all that with a straight face?" Allen broke off smiling at Hitomi to glare angrily at his men.

"Sir!" A tall man with dark hair and sideburns pushed into the room toward Allen.

"Ah, Gaddes!" Allen looked up. "What is it?" Gaddes shrugged.

"The little prince is awake and doing his whole pouty pissy charade. Here he is." Van shoved Gaddes out of the way and stormed into the room, indeed pouting and looking pissy. He stopped to glare death threats at Allen. Hitomi jumped up.

"Van!"

-A wee bit later-

"Okay, okay, let me get this straight." Allen was having a hard time believing these two kids' tale. "This girly here…" He pointed at Hitomi, "…is from the Messed-up Moon? The…MESSED-UP moon? The Messed-up MOON? THE me-"

"YES!" Van and Hitomi interrupted, tiring of Allen and his stubbornness to not believe them. They were now outside on a small balcony with a table and chairs, trying to explain what had befallen them. Allen shook his head.

"Yeah, whatever. So, anyway…let's get to more important matters." He turned to Hitomi and gave her a dazzling smile. "And just what is YOUR name, sweetheart?" He asked sweetly. Van rolled in eyes.

"Um…it's Hitomi…Hitomi Kanzaki…" Hitomi nervously answered.

"Ohhh!" Breathed Allen. "What a beautiful name! Why, it fits such a beautiful girl! wink I bet-"

"Allright, Blondie, BACK OFF!" Van interjected. "We've got more important stuff to do right now!"

"Hmph. Yeah, right." Allen sniffed. Van growled and prepared himself for his next actions.

"Allen," he began in a tight and sulky voice, "I'm SORRY for entering your stupid, UGLY country without permission. It sucks here and I never want to come back AGAIN. Also, I took a crap in your woods."

"Okay, Van." Allen smirked. "I accept your apolo- wait, you WHAT!"

"KNOCK IT OFF, YOU TWO!" Hitomi brought their argument to a screeching halt. "Van, do you have something else to say to Allen?" She asked in a low voice. Van nodded.

"Gimme back my Guymelef, gimme back my Escaflowne, (ain't that the same?) and gimme back my sword!" He growled.

"What about ME?" Hitomi hissed. Van gave her a look.

"Eh…yeah, and the psychic chick too, I guess." He threw in after. Hitomi glared.

"Oh? And what would you do if I gave you all your stuff back?" Allen asked.

"Duh!" Van said smugly. "I'd go back to Fanelia! I've got to go get Zai- er… the unseen enemy that attacked us." Allen shook his head sadly.

"Van, I'm sorry to have to tell you this…but your Kingdom's toast…" He said softly.

"Yeah, I know our toast suck. We always burn 'em. Can I go back now?"

"NO!" Allen snarled. "Your Kingdom is LITERALLY toast! Burned! Blackened! Charred! NO MORE!" Van stared in horror.

"No…" he whispered, aghast. "That…can't be…you're lying…"

"Oh…Van…" Hitomi whimpered sympathetically.

"I'm sorry for your loss…" Allen continued. "But it was the only way to make sure that you sought revenge for the next 23 episodes…er…I mean, yeah, that sucks…"

Suddenly, a loud (and annoying) rumbling broke them from their stupor. Hitomi jumped up in surprise. "What's going on!" She cried. Allen looked skyward. He pointed.

"Up there!" He explained. "A Zaibach floating fortress!" Van and Hitomi looked up to see an ominous floating castle constructed of dark rock and battlements which had been previously hovering over the remains of Fanelia (but they don't know that yet). Hitomi stared.

"Gee…" she observed, "it kinda looks like a big, black jellyfish…kinda cute, really." Allen smiled.

"Hey, yeah, you're ri- NO! Stop it! I've gotta go see those people and see what they want!" Several Guymelefs suddenly descended from the big, black jelly- I mean the floating fortress! Dammit, Hitomi!

"Oh!" Hitomi gasped in recognition. "Those are the giants that burned Fanelia!"

"Oh, _snap_." Allen raised his eyebrows. "Sucks to be you, eh?" He asked, shouldering Van, who stared in horror at the descending giants.

-Inside Allen's Castle-

Dilandau stood smarmily in front of Allen with a procession of Dragonslayers trailing behind, heads up, armor shining. Allen's dirty and crotch-scratching gang surrounded them in the large room they inhabited. And so the diplomatic bargaining began. Luckily, Dilandau was an expert. Or…so he thought.

"Allright, Schezar," he began, "I demand weapons, food, and water, and we'll burn your castle to the ground."

"Don't you mean 'or'?" Allen ventured.

"Yeah, whatever, just GIMME." Dilandau growled. Boy, is he impatient or what?

"Allright," Allen sighed, then turned to one of his men standing near him. "Give them the old, rusty weapons, the moldy food, and the water we just let Pyle take a bath in. That oughta do it." He whispered, then turned back to Dilandau with a smile.

"By the way, Allen," Dilandau asked, "hypothetically speaking…what's the easiest way to get into this craphole of a castle?" Allen pondered this.

"Why, you'd have to come invisible, of course!" He answered.

"Really?" Dilandau paused to quickly jot this down in his notepad.

Nearby, Hitomi was anxious to see what all the commotion was about.

"Please?" She begged Gaddes, who barred her way. "C'mon just for a little!" Gaddes sighed in resignation.

"Oh, allright." He moved in to kiss her. Hitomi jumped back with a yelp.

"W-w-w-what are you DOING!" She gulped. Gaddes looked at her, confused.

"Isn't that what you wanted?"

"No! I wanted to see those people!"

"Oh." Gaddes flushed. "Sorry. Uh…go right ahead. Just don't tell the boss, 'kay?" Hitomi inched by him, only to be violently flung out of the way by…

"Van!" She called. Indeed, it was the temperamental prince, who roughly shoved his way to the front of the gaggle of soldiers to observe the newcomers. Hitomi snuck in behind him.

"Anyway," Dilandau was saying, "you haven't seen any strange Guymelefs in the area, have you?" He leaned in close and peered intently at Allen, who shrugged.

"Well…I've seen a strange GUY," Allen paused and stared at Dilandau, "but no strange GUYMELEFS. So sorry."

"Oh, you're a riot, Schezar." Dilandau rolled his eyes.

"Does this have anything to do with Fanelia's barbeque?" Allen asked ominously.

"What?" Dilandau smirked. "That crap town? PLEASE. The dragons around that valley probably got hungry and at the retards who live in that hovel. Good riddance, I say!" He chuckled to himself.

Van had had enough. Gripping his sword in anger, he stepped forward and barked, "Take that BACK, pasty!" Dilandau broke off his laughter and glared menacingly at the boy who dared stop him mid-cackle. Stepping toward him, he suddenly shoved Van to the side and marched up to Hitomi, who stared in terror.

"Who the heck are you, girl? And what's with your clothes? Have you NO fashion sense?" He growled. Hitomi was too frightened to answer. Allen stepped in.

"Oh, have you noticed my little hottie, Dilandau? She's my newest squeeze, and my…lovaaaaahhh…." Allen cooed, swooping in to plant a kiss on Hitomi, who ducked away just in time and brought her knee up into Allen's crotch with a satisfying thud.

As Allen bent double and gurgled in pain, both Van and Dilandau wore identical masks of disgust.

"You live up to your reputation, Allen Schezar." Dilandau hissed, turning to leave. "I just hope that you put as much effort into our provisions."

"You…want me to have sex with your provisions?" Allen asked, confused.

"NO!" Dilandau barked. "I mean- never mind. Just forget it. MOVE OUT!" He angrily marched away. Sadly, Chesta's arms chose this time to give out under the weight of the large Zaibach banner he was carrying and he dropped in unceremoniously onto Allen, who after shoving it off himself and getting up, shot him a glare that promised revenge (Ooh! Foreshadowing!). Chesta gulped and hurried out after his master.

"Nice goin', Boss!" One of Allen's men cried, "now everyone'll think that little girlie's a total WHORE!" Allen laughed and looked at Hitomi, who had her hands over her face in despair.

"Why…me?" She whispered.

-Back on the jelly- er…Floating Fortress-

Dilandau stood on deck next to Folken, with soldiers scurrying about, making preparations for battle. His mouth twisted in anger.

"Allen Schezar…" he hissed, "You are such a colossal horn dog…you are SO in for it…BATTLE STATIONS, EVERYONE!"

-In the forest around Allen's Castle-

Several Zaibach Guymelef scouts were in position, scoping out Allen's fortifications and the like. "In position, sir." One spoke into the radio. "We are prepared to- aw, MAN! I just stepped in some crap! AWWW! And I think it's _human_, too! Awww, _geez_!"

-Back in Allen's Castle-

Hitomi gazed into space, sighing softly. After kneeing Allen in the crotch and now being labeled a whore because of him, she still had to admit…he was handsome. She couldn't help herself.

"Ohh…Allen…" She breathed dreamily.

"Ohh…Allen…" Van mimicking angrily to himself. "GAWD, girl. Get a life." He paused, then sniffled. "I'm not jealous. I'm not! mumble mumble" Hitomi looked over to the brooding prince and noticed that he seemed a little down. She decided to cheer him up, Hitomi style!

"Van," she said softly, "Don't worry. I'll cheer you up." She reached into her shirt. Van's eyes bugged wide open.

"WOAH, there, girly!" He held up his hands. "Slow it down, toots! I think there's still plenty of time left in this anime for THAT!" Hitomi glared at him.

"I was getting my TAROT CARDS, dumbass." She growled, pulling them out of her shirt.

"Oh…" Van said, disappointed, then turned away to pout.

"I'll tell your future!" Hitomi began as she lay down the cards. Flipping one over, she declared, "Look! It's the Hermit! That means patience!"

"Whaddaya think I was just _talking_ about, sweetcheeks?" Van sulked. "Got Miss Cleo over here…" Hitomi huffed.

"You don't have to be mean about it!" She turned over another card. On it was a black-robed figure with a wicked scythe that looked eerily like-

"You guessed it baby! The Death Card!" The robed figure popped from the card and wheeled around the shrieking Hitomi, cackling. Hitomi watched in horror as a vision of Allen's castle being destroyed by Dilandau played across her eyes. She continued screaming until…

SLAP!

Hitomi blinked. "VAN, you _jerk_! You didn't have to _slap_ me!" She cried, holding her cheek.

"Sorry." Van said. "The screaming was getting kinda annoying. And-" A sudden noise interrupted. He and Hitomi froze and looked at the source – some sort of banging was coming from the floor. "Uh…H-Hitomi…" Van gulped, "Why don't you…go see what that is?"

"Go yourself, coward!" Hitomi hissed, shoving him forward.

"Shawshank…REDEMPTIOOOON!" A familiar mole-faced man sang as he punched up through the floor under Van's nose. With a squeal of surprise, the boy prince fell backward. The Moleman did a quick survey of his surroundings. "Damn! Did I dig to the wrong place again?"

"This world is full of perverts…" Hitomi moaned.

"WHAT! They're GONE!" Allen barked into Gaddes' face.

"Yes…sir." Gaddes said, wiping his face clean. "We have NO idea where they went, what with that HUGE tunnel in their room leading to the Guymelef Storehouse."

"Oh dear Lord! You're right! They could be ANYWHERE!" Allen gasped.

"I'm a thief, y'see," the Moleman explained while steadily digging his tunnel with Van and Hitomi in tow. "I got stuck under this dumb castle. I went for a walk last night and wanted the pretty lady's pendant, is all." Hitomi winced, not wanting to remember. It sure hadn't _looked_ like that was all he wanted last night. "Anyways, I thought I'd bring you this to make up for it." He handed Hitomi…wait for it…her magical traveling gym bag. Hitomi stared at it dumbly.

"Gee, that's pretty convenient," she observed. "First it follows me to Gaea, and now-"

"HUSH!" Van broke in, clapping a hand over her mouth. "Don't question the powerful forces at work!" He whispered to her, while looking fearfully around. "Just _accept_ it."

"Mmmphhh." Hitomi consented. The Moleman continued tunneling, until his efforts brought them to their destination…

"The Guymelef Storehouse!" The Moleman declared, arms spread. "There's your Guymelef, kid! Have fun! Don't forget to buckle up, eh? And no drinking and driving!" Van sauntered past him, not listening.

"Van! Don't be an idiot! Wait!" Hitomi cried, not wanting to Van to get in deeper trouble with Allen. "We can't get out like that!" Van paid no attention, and after quickly punching in his password on the melef's energist, entered Escaflowne and manipulated the giant into standing. "Van, wait!" Hitomi tried again desperately, but too late. Hatch doors suddenly opened in front of Escaflowne to reveal…

…The GAYEST Guymelef Van (or anyone for that matter) had EVER seen. Not only did it have a fluffy crown atop its head, it also had a cape covering half its body. He bit his lip and stifled a laugh as the visor of the flamboyant Guymelef opened to reveal…

…You guessed it! The GAYEST Knight any- no, no, sorry. I'm not that mean. Allen Schezar glared from his perch at Van.

"Where the HELL do you think you're going, Princey!" He barked. "You can't take my prey- I mean, Hitomi away from my castle! Prepare for battle, you potential girlfriend stealer!" The visor closed and the Guymelef drew a long, dangerous blade with NOTHING gay about it. Van growled and Escaflowne also drew its blade from its back and moved out of the hangar, into an open space for combat.

A stray Zaibach unit caught sight of the event long enough to comment, "MAN that Guymelef is gay…"

Stepping out into the field, and almost stepping on Hitomi ("Watch it, jerk!"), Van readied himself. Hitomi, now safely on the sidelines, watched in anticipation. Allen's men weren't helping the situation, as they were all betting AGAINST Van. Gaddes turned to her, concerned.

"Don't worry," he said. "It'll be okay. Which one do you want to win?"

"Wha…?" Hitomi asked, confused. "N-neither!" (Foreshadowing… Foreshadowing…)

"Shut it, Moleman!" Gaddes barked, smacking the Moleman upside the head.

"Sorry." He grumbled, shuffling away. "But it's true…"

Van gulped. "I can do this!" He said, then began to rush forward, blade low, grinding into the ground, leaving a crumbling line in his wake…

"Hey, look!" Van squealed in glee. "I wrote 'Allen Sucks!' in the ground! Hee hee!" Allen, however, did not approve of Van's humor.

"Quit writing in the dirt and get OVER here, kid!" He snarled. Van consented and tried to rush Allen, but to no avail. Allen easily blocked and knocked Van back.

"You don't charge aggressively enough!" He stated, moving to attack Van.

"Why does everyone always SAY THAT! sob!" Van asked, incensed. Then an idea struck him. "I know! Just think of him as my brother!" Instantly anger coursed through him and gave him strength to strike down his brother- I mean Schezar. He brought up his sword just in time to block Allen's blow.

"Woah!" Allen's men cried, amazed. "He blocked it!" Allen continued to beat down Van.

"Hunh! Balgus never sucked like this!" Allen commented and he rained down blows on Van, who just barely escaped.

"What? You know Balgus?" Van gasped, dancing away.

"Yes! I knew him!" Allen continued. "He is one of the Three Swordsmen of Gaea!"

"Not the last time I saw him…" Van thought, remembering Balgus and his ginormous sword.

"And Balgus was my Sword Master! He taught me everything I know!" Allen finished.

"So…this shouldn't be too hard then, huh?" Van asked, relieved. This only angered Allen to the point that he forced Van down onto one knee. "Or not…" Luckily, Van blocked yet again as Allen struck.

"Damn you!" Allen grated. "Stop that! Stop blocking my swings! You're supposed to fall with the first blow, DAMMIT!" With this, he shoved the Escaflowne backwards and held it at sword-point. Game, set, match.

"Oh, Van…" Hitomi clasped her hands together. Van had lost.

"Allright. I've beaten you up enough. Now come out, you naughty Prince." Allen said haughtily. The Escaflowne opened to reveal Van, looking dejected.

"Damn. I lost. I suck. Thanks a _lot,_ Balgus." He huffed.

"Ha! You lost! You suck!" Echoed Allen, smug. Just then, Allen's Guymelef's right arm fell off and landed with a crash in the dirt. "Er…you're not _too_ bad…" Allen admitted.

"Van!" Hitomi cried, running towards him, "are you done doing stupid things today!" Suddenly, Escaflowne's energist began to glow suspiciously. "Hey! I wasn't _talking_ to you! Shut it! Oh, wait- CRAP! Vision time!" Hitomi was swept into yet another of her now perfectly normal bloody, violent visions. Yet again, she saw Allen's castle burning, feeling the heat of the flames as they ate hungrily at the wood, and they danced around her…

"YEEEEEKK!" Hitomi began running to and fro, arms flailing in an attempt to douse the (imaginary) flames. "FIRE! FIRE! IIIEEEEEE!"

Allen's men (and everyone else) simply watched. "Man, that chick is weird."

-Episode 3 End-

P.S. Sorry for all the Allen-bashing, but I just can't stand the guy. And I didn't mean to offend any gay people – I think gay people _rock_! I love the way they talk and can make your clothes match! Woot! And don't get me started on the interior decorating! Hells yeah!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne…

Authors Note: You like? Review please! I do love the reviews!


	4. Episode 4: The Dumb Adonis

Author's Note: Yep, here's the latest installment of my Escaflowne parody series. More to come after (my goal is to do all 26 episodes, and then the movie. I'll see where I go from there). Hope you like it! Review please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 4

The Dumb Adonis

Recap: Hitomi and Van end up in the land of Austuria, where they meet Allen, the womanizer – erk, uh, Knight. Allen allows them to stay at his citadel while the same Zaibach forces who destroyed Van's home come for a visit. Tough break, kid. Dilandau prepares to attack the castle whilst Van and Allen fight like retards. It all ends with a bang as Hitomi finally loses it and begins shrieking her head off (like she always does) as she has yet another premonition of destruction. The show must go on!

"AAAAIEEEEE!" Hitomi shrieked at the top of her lungs, running in circles and beating herself all over in an effort to douse the flames engulfing her, or so she thought. She was caught up in a vision of impending doom yet again. Allen's men watched in dumbstruck awe, while Van, perched on his Escaflowne, folded his arms and shook his head.

"Geez, she's doing it again," he growled to himself. "C'mon, Hitomi, can't you find a better way to get attention?" After seeing Hitomi perform the gory vision arrival and screaming fit routine several times over, it had no effect on the Prince and actually seemed normal to him. Nearby, the cockpit of Allen's Scherazade opened to allow the Knight to hop down to the now stop-drop-and-rolling girl.

"Hitomi! What's wrong?" Allen cried, running up to her. Perhaps if he acted concerned enough she would begin to look past his horny ways and feminine attire. Hitomi, having recovered from her 'on fire' incident, sat up and looked at Allen in horror.

"Allen! You've got get out of here!" Panic wreathed her voice. "The Invisible Army is coming to attack you!" Allen gave her a confused look.

"Okay, first of all, if they're invisible, then you shouldn't even be able to_ see_ them, let alone know they're coming, and second of all, are you high? Had too much sun today? Or are you drunk, sweetie?" He leaned in close and sniffed curiously. Hitomi angrily shoved his face away.

"_Listen _to me, DAMMIT! No one ever listens to the psychic chick, I swear!" Hitomi saw the looks she was getting from the surrounding audience. "No, I'm NOT crazy!" She snapped.

"Awww, I get it, sweetie," Allen cooed, "seeing our big, ooky,_ scary_ Guymelefs was too hard on your delicate female senses. These kinds of fights are better left to men, my cute little wussy." He tried to pinch her cheek, but she slapped it away.

"I'm serious here!" She insisted. "The Invisible Giants that burned down Fanelia are coming for _your_ ass now, Allen! I saw it! _Really_!"

Allen's men began grumbling to themselves, rather upset and suspicious about what this weird girly was blabbering about.

"Man…that girl's creepy…" One shuddered. The others grunted in agreement. The bald man with scars (Oruto) spoke up.

"Didn't you hear?" He asked, tapping a dagger against his shoulder. "Rumor has it that girly is from the Messed-Up Moon, and _everyone_ knows that place is…well… _messed up_…" A few men gasped while several of the larger men squealed and clutched each other in fear.

"Shut it!" Allen rounded on his men. "Soldiers of Austuria aren't afraid of Old Wives Tales!" The man with a red nose and unkempt black hair (Pyle) rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, well, _you're_ the one who pissed his pants when Reeden told that ghost story when we went camping out in the woods that one time!" He shot back. The skinny man with a handkerchief on his head (Reeden) grinned at the fond memory.

"I did NOT!" Allen flushed hotly. He'd thought his men too drunk that night to remember that incident, but…he'd know better the next time. It seemed his men weren't as stupid as he first thought. Clearing his throat, he turned back to Hitomi, who still sat on the ground, a worried expression on her face. Time to turn on the charm.

"Sorry for my stupid men. Forgive them." Allen moved closer. "Come, my lady, let's have sex- I mean, rest inside." He attempted to sweep her off her feet (literally), but Hitomi would have none of it and proved it with several well-aimed slaps and kicks.

"Boss!" A dark haired man galloped in on a freaky-lookin' horse-thing ("Gawd, another freaky thing in this freaky world!" Snarled Hitomi). As it reached Allen, the horse reared up with a whiney and threw its rider into the dirt, then galloped away. The man twitched in pain a few times, then cautiously picked himself up. "We…caught someone suspicious out in the forest, sir." He finished, dusting himself off.

"Is it a girl?" Allen asked hopefully. Hitomi rolled her eyes. So did everyone else.

"Umm…perhaps you should see for yourself, sir," the man suggested.

"What, you mean it's a transves-"

"Here's the prisoner, Boss!" A large man with spiky, dark hair (Kio) interrupted Allen as he rode in on another of those freaky horse-things. Behind him, bound with several ropes and chains, was a very familiar red-headed cat girl…

"Dammit!" Van cursed mentally. "It's her! I thought I'd been freed of her when Fanelia- No. No one must know of my plan to rid myself of her. I best act concerned." Van jumped from his Guymelef and ran toward the soldier, who now had the prisoner in his arms. "Merle!"

The cat-girl's ears shot up at the voice. With her Van senses on the fritz, her eyes popped open and upon seeing her beloved Prince, she did what everyone expected (and so they all covered their ears in anticipation).

"LORD VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" She squealed, leaping bodily out of her capturers arms toward Van, who stopped just short of catching her, which of course meant…THUD! "Owwieee…"

Van gathered her up and tried his hardest to pretend to be concerned. "You okay, Merle?" He pulled out a knife from somewhere on his person and cut her bonds. Allen and Hitomi had gathered around the scene, along with everyone else in the yard (find something better to do, people!).

"You know her?" Allen asked, eyeing Hitomi. She nodded.

"Yeah. I wish I didn't. She's not suspicious, just annoying." She sighed.

"Yeah, that was it…" Kio rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Lord Van…here…strength…returning…" Merle panted as she lay in Van's arms. She took advantage of the situation and huddled closer to him. "I…looked _everywhere_ for you, Lord Van!"

"Quiet, Merle!" Van cut her off. "Is Fanelia okay?"

"Uh…excuse me?" Allen piped up. "I already told you it was-"

"I wanna hear it from her!" Van turned from Allen back to Merle. "So Merle? How is Fanelia?"

"Oh, Lord Van! It was…" Merle began, a smile on her face. Van's hopes soared like an eagle. "…HORRIBLE!" An eagle that was shot numerous times, plucked, roasted over a fire, and then eaten viciously by savages. "It all got_ burned_! Now, excuse me while I pretend to cry so you hold me close!" Merle continued, tears filling her eyes. Van sighed and pulled her close.

"That little brat…" Hitomi growled, the blinked in surprise when she found out she was jealous. Great. Another man to swoon over. Then she gasped as a vision of a burned Fanelia with a wandering Merle appeared.

"Everyone died!" Merle sniffed. Van winced in pain. "All burned!" Van jerked. "Blood everywhere!" Van grabbed his head. "All the Samurai were killed!" Van gurgled. "Everyone was-"

"Uh, Merle?" Allen asked. "Could you tone it down? Van's having a heart attack, here." Merle paused and looked up, and indeed, the boy Prince was having seizures and clutching his chest.

"Who cares about_ Fanelia_!" Merle wailed. "What about _me_! I was all alone! sob!" She looked up at Van (who was better now) again. "I tried so hard to find you, Lord Van! Honest!"

Flashback to when Fanelia was being attacked

Merle ran back and forth in a frenzy, searching for Van amid the burning wreckage of Fanelia. People ran screaming past her, desperate to escape the doomed village.

"Lord Van! Where are you!" She called, looking everywhere. A burly woman ran past, and stopped to seize Merle's arm.

"C'mon Merle! We gotta get outta here!" The woman tugged at her arm. Merle stubbornly shook her head.

"I won't leave without Lord Van!" She insisted. Just then, a large explosion rocked the ground and debris crashed everywhere. Merle paused and looked thoughtful. "But then again, it's his ass, not mine!" She concluded, then ran like a minor from R. Kelly.

End of Flashback

Van sighed, now extremely depressed. "Ah, well. Least I still gots mah horny cat-girl. Better than nothing." He patted Merle on the head. She purred in happiness. Hitomi watched, feeling bad for Van. She jerked in surprise as….yup, you guessed it…another bloody vision arrived.

"Dammit!" She cursed. "Not AGAIN! Enough with these stupid fiery visions of war and suffering! Why can't I have a vision with water? Or wind or some other friggin' element besides fire? Or, Heaven help us, a HAPPY vision for once? Is that too much to ask for! Damn with stupid job!" Hitomi reeled in place, feeling faint. Her eyes fell to Van, still with his arms around the cat-girl, and a sudden wave of jealousy consumed her. "Hmph! Getting held by Van, eh? Well fine, I can do that too! Just watch!" Hitomi's eyes rolled up, and she collapses into Allen's awaiting arms.

"Awwwwww yeeeaaaahhhh!" Allen was obviously enjoying this more than he should be. He placed a hand on her forehead. "Hey! She's got a fever! …Or it's her burning desire to become one with me, I AM such a hot-ass…"

"Uh, I'm not goin' there, sir…" Gaddess coughed.

"C'mon, Van." Allen called, picking Hitomi up. "Let's bring the ladies inside to get some rest." Van nodded and complied.

-On the Floating Jellyfish-

"Dammit!" Dornkirk snarled and spit. "What the heck are you DOING! You're a disgrace! I aught to-" Folken flinched under the Emperor's chastisement. They were in the same big tv-screen dark and gloomy place Folken had met with him before.

"Please, forgive me, sir…" He meekly apologized. Dornkirk broke off from his tirade and blinked in confusion at Folken.

"Huh? Oh, I wasn't talkin' to you, sonny. I was playing this here Gameboy thingey. Damn game cheats, I tell ya." He held up a Nintendo DS with a GAME OVER sign on the screen. Folken made a face.

"Sir…_please_…we need to get through with this…I'm _begging_ you…" He pleaded in a desperate voice. Dornkirk eyed him, then turned back to his game.

"Just one more try, I swear!" He promised.

"NO, SIR! ENOUGH WITH THAT DUMB GAMEBOY!" Folken exploded. Dornkirk gawked at him, aghast, then sighed.

"Ohhh, alright, alright." He flipped the DS closed and shoved it into his voluminous robes. "Okay, where were we? I forget." Folken rubbed his eyes.

"We're supposed to be talking about the Dragon, my Lord," he mumbled.

"Oh yeah!" Dornkirk cleared his throat and began in his old wise man voice. "Folken…you didn't capture the stinking Dragon…"

"Dragon?" Folken asked, blandly, having already memorized his lines.

"Helloooo! Yeah, the DRAGON! I said it only, like, fifty million times in the last episode! Get with the picture, Vampire Man!" Folken growled at the insult, but could do nothing about it. "Because of you, the image of our future is getting all distorted and stuff! And I canNOT have that! Our picture must be perfect! No crinkly lines or smudges! I hate smudges! By God, we are GOING to have a pretty little house with blue shutters, a white picket fence, and a tire swing in the front yard!"

"Uh…what?" Asked Folken, absolutely lost. "A white picket _what_?" Dornkirk coughed loudly and looked around nervously.

"Er…I mean, uh, world domination, and all that…yeah…" He stuttered. "Look, just find the gosh darn Dragon, okay?" He huffed and the screen went black. Folken sighed in relief. Dilandau stood up from where he'd been kneeling in the darkness and headed for the door. He also succeeding in scaring the crap out of Folken.

"HOLY FREAKING CRAP! How the HELL did you get in here, Dilandau!" Folken jumped back about six feet in surprise. "I didn't even SEE you!"

"Uh…sorry?" Dilandau was in a hurry to leave. "My bad. See you later, then." The exit door popped open and he moved to leave.

"Now wait just one minute!" Folken barked, his heart beating at a normal rate now. "Just where the heck do you think _you're_ going, young man?"

"To launch an attack, DUH!" Dilandau barked back.

"Oh, no you don't! Not before you finish your homework, you're not! March straight to your room, mister!" Folken commanded in his surrogate father voice. Dilandau pouted.

"But we know where the Dragon is! With that fairy Allen Schezar! All we need to do is come a knockin' and capture the stupid thing! Maybe then Dornkirk will start acting normal!" He said.

"Oh please!" Folken snorted. "He'll _never_ be normal! And you're forgetting one important thing. Austuria is our_ ally_, so we can't attack them."

"Well too flippin' bad!" Dilandau was growing impatient. "All we need to do is use our stealth cloaks, right? Then no one will know it was us!" Folken stared blankly at him.

"Gee. _I_ would never think of that. Since it _really_ worked so well _last_ time."

"Shut it, Folken!"

"Fine!" Folken turned away. "Do whatever you want! It's not like I care! No one gives a damn about _my_ feelings! sniffle" He began to cry silently to himself. Dilandau smirked and paused before leaving.

"I think you'll like the souvenir I bring back for you, Stratego." He waited several seconds. "You…you see what I was doing there? I was discreetly implying that I was going to bring back the head of you br-"

"Ouuuut! Before you ruin it for the audience!" Folken interrupted, making frantic shooing motions toward the silver-haired soldier. Dilandau glared and left.

-Back at Allen's Castle-

Hitomi lay in a bed in one of the back rooms of Allen's Castle. Allen was tending to her (as she was feverish with _sickness_, and not desire like he first thought) and Van tended to Merle, who was lying on a bench a few feet away. Both girls weren't feeling well and were being tended to by the man of their dreams (though a little less for Hitomi than for Merle).

Hitomi weakly opened her eyes and peered blearily up at Allen. "I'm sorry…" She whispered. "I'm nothing but trouble…" Allen smiled down at her.

"Yeah, you are…I mean, NO! Of course not! Don't worry about it!" He soothed. "And besides, there's no way I'd let any of the other guys take care of you, because they're…y'know…_pervs_."

"Aaaaand…you're any better?" Hitomi asked.

"Huh?" Allen looked up from where he had strategically placed his hand on Hitomi's leg. "I'm sorry. What were we talking about?" Hitomi brushed his hand off and looked out the window at the Messed-Up Moon.

"I bet my mom's really worried about me." Hitomi stated with a small smile.

-At Hitomi's House-

"Oh yeaaaaahhhh!" Hitomi's mother sang, dancing around the dinner table with a bottle of beer in one hand and the entertainment system blasting party music. "No more daaaaughter! Yeaaaahh! No paying for that damn coll…" Pause. "…eeeeeeege!"

-Back With Hitomi-

"I'll bet she is." Allen agreed, also looking up at the Messed-Up Moon. Hitomi felt warm from the top of her head to the tips of her toes.

"I bet your mother was really pretty Allen." Hitomi said softly. Allen looked at her, surprised.

"Actually, cause I'm so darn pretty myself," Allen explained, "I'm the spitting image of her, except I got…y'know…" He pointed at his crotch.

"Ewww…" Hitomi squeezed her eyes shut in disgust. Allen continued.

"I mean, she WAS pretty. She passed away when I was little." He looked savagely at Hitomi. "Gee, thanks for _reminding_ me! sob!" He broke off to start crying like a little girl.

"Uh…sorry…" Hitomi apologized sheepishly.

"It's okay." The waterworks turned off just as fast as they turned on. "It was a long time ago." He paused. "But not TOO long. I'm not that old, I swear! How old do I look to you! 20 years old! 18! 14!" Allen was having a fit.

"Um, can you please continue your story?" Hitomi asked timidly. Allen stopped in his mid-life crisis tirade and looked at her.

"Well…okay." He consented. "You were right. My momma was one hot babe."

Flashback to when Allen was a kid

A beautiful blond woman in a lovely dress smiled as she sat serenely in a field of flowers. Obviously, this woman is supposed to be Allen's deceased mother.

"She was such a gentle woman…" Allen narrated. The scene changed to display a mini-sized Allen sprawled over his mother's knees while she gave him the spanking of a lifetime.

"Allen! Stop playing with mommy's makeup! How many times do I have to tell you!" The woman cried between strikes.

"…And she loved flowers…" Allen continued. The scene changed again to show child-Allen shoving a bushel of freshly-plucked flowers into his mother's face.

"ALLEN!" She screeched, "Get those flowers _away_ from me! You _know_ I'm violently allergic to- A-CHOO!" Allen laughed like an evil little maniac, and ran away before she could spank him again.

The scene changed once again and showed a slightly older Allen (in _tights_, Heaven help us) in another field with a cute little blond-headed girl. She flashed him a warm smile before running in slow motion toward the faraway woods.

"One day, my sister was spirited away without a trace…" Allen explained.

"Umm…actually," Hitomi interrupted the narration, causing the lovely piano-background music to jangle to a stop. "It looks like you just stood there like an idiot and watched her run off."

"Who's tellin' the story!" Allen huffed. Hitomi mumbled but quieted. The background music began again. Allen cleared his throat and continued his narration of his childhood. "After that day, my mother just wasted away…" Several scenes showed Allen's mother huddled on a couch, crying, followed by another with Allen standing in a graveyard, in front of his mother's grave. "Y'see, she had lost her daughter, and, well, I was the only one left, and being the annoying little hellion I was back then, I guess I didn't really help her any…So! She kicked the bucket and here I stand now! Doesn't that just wanna make you sleep with me out of sympathy?"

End of Flashback

Allen slumped in his chair, deftly picking his nose in boredom. Van and Merle, in the background, had out a game of Cat's Cradle and were absorbed in it. Hitomi looked up from scratching her ass and gasped in surprise to see the scene had switched back to the present already.

"Flashback's over!" She called, and everyone immediately stopped what they were doing and jumped back into their previous places. Allen smiled dazzlingly, already back into character.

"If my sister were still alive," he said softly, reaching out and taking Hitomi's hand, "she would be about _your_ age." Hitomi winced.

"Can you please not think about your sister when you hit on me? It's really creepy." Allen ignored Hitomi's statement and pressed on, oblivious.

"Y'know…it's strange. I don't know why I'm telling you this…" he said in a soft and confused voice.

"Because you're horny and want a piece of ass, so you're using one of your sob stories to get it!" Van shot from the bench on the other side of the room.

"Quiet, Van!" Hitomi hissed. "I know that's why he's telling me it, but…it's still kind of…sweet." She stopped and mulled over these new turn of events. "Wow," she thought to herself, "I just told Amano that I liked him, and now I'm starting to get feelings for Allen too? Am I really this desperate for a man (if you would consider either one to be)? Damn, I really need a hobby. Besides running into teleporting Princes from freaky-ass worlds…"

"Will you two quit _makin' out_ over there?" Van barked savagely over his shoulder. Seeing Allen put the moves on Hitomi was bad enough, but seeing Hitomi act like she didn't even _mind_ it was worse. Eugh. Stupid Schezar.

He turned from the two lovebirds and focused his attention on Merle. Taking a damp cloth, he gently rubbed Merle's face. After several seconds, he jerked back, surprised. He leaned close and plucked a small seed from Merle's cheek. Okay, we'd better get an explanation, here…

-In the Dungeon-

Van stepped into the dark, smelly cell that housed the Moleman. Allen didn't want any more perverts wandering around (other than him) so he had had the Moleman locked away for safekeeping. And the Moleman was just the person Van needed to see…

"Wake up, Moley!" Van seized the Moleman by his whiskers and yanked sharply on them to wake him up. It worked quite well.

"OW! Aw, geez kid! What the hell d'ya want!" Moleman barked, rubbing his injured cheek. Van had a strange, serious look on his face.

"You're a bum from the forest, right?" Van asked. The Moleman nodded. "Then you must know about Glar Leaves, right?" Moleman scrunched up his face.

"Nnnnnoooo…sorry kid, but I don't-" Van started to draw his sword. "Oh, wait, yes! I remember now! Ahahaha! Yes, Glar Leaves! I know everything about them!" He placed a hand in his coat. He blinked in surprise, and withdrew his hand, which now held Glar Leaves (gee, what a coincidence!). "Wha…who the _EFF_ put these in there!" He asked, at a loss. "When the hell did I get these!" Van, however, knew exactly what was going on.

"Yes!" Van crowed, pumping an arm in the air. "Apparently the 'unseen forces' that guide Hitomi's magical traveling gym bag have given Moleman a hand, too!"

"Man, now I sympathize with that psychic chick. This is damn _creepy_." Moleman mumbled to himself.

"My brother," Van broke off to contain his volcanic rage, "told me about these leaves. He said they could neutralize most poisons. Apparently it can't cure pure HATRED. Believe me, I've tried." Van stepped a little ways away, and sat down. Placing the leaves in a bowl he made ready to crush them. "Hey, old fogey!" He looked over his shoulder. "Come here and hold this bowl."

"Grrr! Fine." Moleman relented and shuffled over. "Ya got one heck of an attitude, ya brat…" Van glared, then pulled his sword, still in its sheath, from his hip, and began using it to crush the leaves into a paste. Moleman watched in horror as the once shiny and magnificent sword became covered in green slime. "Uh, you know you could have just asked for a mortal and pestle, kid…" Moleman stated.

"Shut it!"

-Outside Allen's Castle-

Allen's men were preparing for the imminent attack. Men pushed heavy catapults into position, others polished weapons till they shone, and still others emerged out of small buildings in Guymelefs. When the enemy came, they would be ready.

Allen and Gaddess trotted around on freaky Gaia-horses, surveying the troops and preparations. Gaddess smirked at his commander.

"See? I _knew_ those Old Wives Tales scared you!" He said. Allen glared past his owl perched on his shoulder at Gaddess.

"Quiet!" He hissed in annoyance. "We're just preparing for battle, uh, because…I…_FEEL_ like it, okay? So back off!"

"Sure thing, Boss." Gaddess knew he had won the argument.

"What really scared me was the madness in Dilandau's eyes. That burning desire for bloodshed…" Allen paused. "Or was it for me? I AM such a hottie after all…"

"Uhhh…once again, I'm not goin' there, sir." Gaddess said uncomfortably. "You don't really think that Zaibach will attack us, do you?"

"Hell _YES_ I do!" Allen said hotly. "I may be blond, horny, and feminine, but I am NOT an idiot!" His jaw dropped open as something caught his eye. "Ohh! Look! A dime!" He hopped off his horse to pick up the shiny thing. Gaddess shook his head as Allen, smiling dumbly, remounted his valiant steed. "What were we talking about, now?"

"The enemy attack?"

"Oh, yes, right. That. Anyways, when they come, they'll destroy us all so there won't be any witnesses. Now…go prep the Crusade." Gaddess breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yes, sir."

As Allen stared off into the distant forest, his owl took off for a cruise. But not before leaving a little 'gift' on Allen's precious blue vest.

"Dammit, you stupid owl! I just washed pissy prince vomit off it! Now I have to wash it all over again!"

-In the Forest-

Dilandau sat smugly inside his crimson Guymelef, biding his time before attacking Allen's dumb castle. His men now in position, Dilandau decided to give everyone a little pep talk before bringing on the pain.

"All units, hold position." He stopped and sniffed the air. "Wha…what the hell is that smell?" One of the Guymelefs flanking him coughed nervously.

"Uh…sorry, sir. I stepped in some crap earlier on, but it still won't wash off…"

"Okay, you're on rear guard duty (Get it? Rear? Duty? Hahaha). Now get away from me before I puke." As the other Guymelef shambled off to the rear, Dilandau turned to face his troops. "I'm through playing hide and seek!" He stated ominously.

"Awwww!" Dilandau's troops came out of their hiding places. "But we were having so much fuuuun!" Dilandau grimaced.

"Yes, I know, but it gets boring after the first ten minutes, and there's really no point in playing this stupid game because we have our stealth cloaks on and can't see each other anyway." He paused for breath. "Now, let's go."

"Awwwww!"

-Back With Hitomi and Merle-

Hitomi squirmed uncomfortably under her blankets. The cat-girl lying on the bench across the room was bugging her again. Even if she put her head under the blankets, she still felt her penetrating gaze.

"That damn cat's giving me the evil eye again…" Hitomi thought, peeking over her blankets at Merle, who indeed was glaring enormous amounts of hatred at the psychic girl. "I wonder what's up _her_ butt…"

"UGH!" Merle was also having a mental conversation with herself. "It's that ho from the Messed-Up Moon! She's_ so_ weird! She's got short, weird hair, weird clothes, weird eyes…"

"…Weird ears, weird tail, weird _everything_!" Hitomi finished. "_Damn_, she's weird!"

"Wh…what!" Merle had suddenly noticed her place of rest. "Why the HECK did _I _get stuck on the bench!" She immediately began to hiss and growl at the girl who had gotten the comfortable bed. Hitomi shrank back, even more uneasy.

"What a freak…" Hitomi shivered. "She looks pretty pissed. Maybe I should- VISION TIME! Dang it!" Hitomi jerked upright, eyes wide open as a vision came to her. Before her eyes flew a red demon type-thingy. "Something's coming!" She realized.

Hitomi gasped as the vision ended abruptly. Looking up, she came face to face with the Moleman, who was only several inches away. And so the obvious happened.

"PERVEEEERT!" Hitomi shrieked, throwing herself away from him. The Moleman let out a cry of his own ("No more pain, PLEASE!") and threw himself backwards so violently he actually somersaulted several times before becoming acquainted with the floor. Van stood in the doorway, a bowl in one hand. He stared wide- eyed at Hitomi, huddled on the bed.

"Holy CRAP, girl." Van gasped, "What the _EFF_ did you _do_?" Hitomi started.

"N-nothing!" She insisted.

"Lord Vaaaan!" Merle called, seeming fine. "Oh, wait. I'm supposed to be sick." She immediately began coughing feebly and drew her blankets around herself.

"Where the hell did _you_ _slither_ off to!" Hitomi barked angrily at Van. "We're sick, you know! You should be taking care of us!" Van ignored her and headed calmly over to Merle. Seating himself on a nearby stool, he began applying the medicine he made from the Glar Leaves onto Merle's wounds.

"Oh! Lord Van, you made that ointment just for me?" Merle asked with an angelic smile.

"No, it's for Hitomi, too."

"GRRR! Don't give her any, Lord Van!" She hissed with a demonic snarl. Hitomi watched, unaware they were talking about her.

"Gee," she said to herself, "now I feel like a ba-zitch for yelling at Van. My bad." Van finished treating Merle's wound, and so tied a bandage securely on her arm. Merle preened over it, then saw Hitomi gawking. Time to gloat.

"Oh yeah! Who got a bandage from Lord Van? I did! I did! Suck it, Hitomi!" She giggled, making silly faces at her. Hitomi stuck her tongue out at her.

Van, now done with Merle, stood up and walked over to Hitomi's bedside. Hitomi stared at him confused, until he reached out and ripped off the blanket covering Hitomi's legs.

"OhdearGodI'vealreadygotAllenallovermenowyou'vegottotrytorapem- OW!" Hitomi's tirade was cut short by a sharp lance of pain. She looked down, and was surprised to see Van rubbing some of the ointment onto a small wound on her leg.

"Hold still, dummy." Van ordered. "Some plant poison got in the wound. This'll help the fever. I also already used it to cure the poison ivy rash on my ass."

"Ewww…" Hitomi looked quietly at Van. He was so nice (sometimes). And a good fighter (sometimes). She smiled warmly and her eyes softened. Maybe she and Van- GURK!

Of course, the vision waited until the most inopportune time to strike, ruining Hitomi's little moment she was having with Van. She convulsed and her eyes bugged out. "They're here!" She cried out. "Those Invisible Losers!" Van coughed nervously.

"Uh, Hitomi?" He asked. "We _know_ it's Zaibach who's attacking, so just call them that, okay?"

-Outside Allen's Castle-

Outside Allen's Castle (Hey, people don't always read the headers) was a scene of mass chaos. Fires had sprung up in several spots, people ran around in circles, shrieking their heads off, trying to attack the unseen enemy, while crashes sounded and rubble fell everywhere. The Invisible Guymelefs wreaked havoc with their piercing Crima Claws and…uh…_invisibleness_. Several people were actually stomped to death by them. What a crappy way to die.

"Those must be the Invisible Losers!" One of Allen's men cried.

"Dude, we just went _over_ this with Hitomi and Van. It's _Zaibach_. C'mon, say it with me now. Zai. Bach. Got it?" Gaddess growled, fed up.

"This is all that creepy girl's fault!" Reeden whined, scared crapless. Gaddess gave him a smack upside the head.

"No, it is NOT, dumbass!"

"Gaddess!" Allen called from nearby. "I'm going out in my purty Guymelef!"

"Uh…okay, sir."

At another part of the battle, Allen's men attempted to attack the Zaibach forces with fire arrows, but they simply bounced off harmlessly. Dilandau sniffed at the misuse of fire.

"Okay, losers! Lemme show you how to _really_ use fire!" He barked, lifting an arm and lighting his flamethrower, which he used to flambé some of the nearest meat- I mean, people. "Remember that next time!" Gee, like they really can after they're dead.

"Shut up!" Wha…hey! You can't tell me to shut up! I'm the gosh darn author! YOU shut up! "…Fine." Yeah, you'd better, kid.

A man in one of the Castle's few Guymelef's ran charging (and screaming) at Dilandau, but was easily batted aside without a second thought.

"Now I know how Nick Lachey feels!" The pilot sobbed as he disappeared from the picture. Dilandau laughed maniacally from inside his Guymelef.

"Yes, yes!" He crowed, turning his meticulous eye onto the battlefield. "Hmm. I think we need a little more fire in that corner of the castle, and a few more bloody bodies over on that side, and then this battlefield will be _perfec_t! Ahahahaha! C'mon, you guys!" He called to his crew. "More fire! More passion! We've gotta smoke out the Escaflowne!"

At yet another part of the battle, Allen emerged into the fray with his gleaming caped Guymelef, Scherazade. The spotless Guymelef strode boldly out onto the battlefield, but upon a moments pause, began tip-toeing around all the dead bodies and blood covering grounds.

"Hey! I just waxed this thing!" Allen explained from the cockpit. "I am NOT getting my baby all dirty again! It took me hours to polish after Van messed it up, okay?" Taking his attention off the cleanliness of his Guymelef (for once), he surveyed the scene of horror before him.

Poor Allen. His castle was in ruins, his troops routed, and the enemy had even spray-painted obscenities all over the walls and ground, most of them aimed at Allen's hair, which was absolutely the worst thing they could insult. "Damn you, Zaibach!" Allen hissed.

From a nearby fallen Guymelef, a groan was heard. Allen blinked and moved closer. It was Kio! He was still alive!

"Kio! You okay?" Allen asked. Kio looked up at his boss, a thin trail of blood running down his face.

"Do I _look_ okay?" He growled. "Look at me! I've got a thin trail of blood running down my face! It hurts! sob!" He sniffled a little before steeling himself. "Sorry, boss. I failed."

"Yeah, you did- No! I mean, uh, you did your best! Where's the enemy?" Allen always seemed to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

"They've already gotten to the underground tunnels." Kio explained. Allen paused.

"That's bad, right?"

"Yes, sir. That's very bad, sir."

"Damn."

"Allen!" A familiar voice rang out, catching Allen's attention. He turned to see none other than Van racing out to him across the battle-scared courtyard. "Where's my Escaflowne! Gimme!"

"You need to learn how to say please, brat." Allen mumbled to himself.

"What?"

"I said it was on the Crusade."

"What the crap's a Crusade?" Van asked, confused.

"It's not _a_ Crusade, it's _the _Crusade. It's my fancy little airship." Explained Allen.

"Oh." Van waited a few seconds. "Can I have my Guymelef now?"

"No!" Allen barked. "Listen, Van! We got our asses kicked, so we're high-tailing it out of here!" Van's jaw dropped.

"What! You coward!" He cried, disgusted. "After what they did to your men!"

"Well, they were kinda useless anyway…" Allen shrugged.

"I know, but _still_!" Van continued.

"What, you want _more_ people to die, is that it?" Allen argued. Van shook his head and raised his drawn sword at Allen in defiance.

"You call yourself a Samurai!" He challenged.

"Actually, no, I call myself a Knight, I've said so a few times already-"

"Listen to me!" Van demanded. "No _way_ am_ I_ running! I'm going to kill them all until I'm dead! I'll make them pay for what they did, both here and at Fanelia!"

"YOU IDIOT!" Allen's violent outburst forced Van into shocked silence. "There's nothing brave about stupidly choosing to die! _You_ are the King, retard! As long as Fanelia has a King (no matter how dumb he is), and a people (no matter how dead they are), she has a future! So stop acting like Heero Yuy and being so suicidal already!" Van gulped back tears.

"Gee, Allen," he whimpered, lowering his sword. "You didn't have to be so _mean_ about it!" Allen sighed.

"Okay. I'm sorry." He apologized, then turned to Kio. "Kio, I'm transferring headquarters to the Crusade. Go tell the others who aren't dead (however few they are)."

"Gotcha, boss." Kio picked himself up and staggered away. Allen turned back to Van and made his Guymelef reach out a hand to him. Van hesitated, then sheathed his sword and allowed Allen to pick him up.

"GURK!" Van gasped. "Can't breath! My…precious organs! Geez, now I know how Hitomi felt…" Allen quickly shifted his grip to make it more comfortable for Van.

"I will never hand over you or the Escaflowne." He vowed honorably. Van looked up at him with a rare smile. "Or my lovaaaahhh…" Van switched to his usual glare.

-Somewhere Underground-

Hitomi and Merle gasped for breath, trying their hardest to keep up with Gaddess as they ran through a series of underground tunnels and caves. Who would have known that Allen's men excelled at the subtle art of running away?

A sudden rumble shook the cave they were currently running through, causing silt and small rocks to rain down on them. The two girls squealed in fright and clutched each other, before realizing who they were holding onto and letting go just as fast with bitter glares aimed at one another.

"Don't worry, girls!" Gaddess called back confidently over his shoulder. "It'll take more than that to damage a limestone cave!" A large portion of the cave ceiling behind them suddenly gave out and collapsed inward into a smoldering heap of rubble. "Or not. Let's hurry, shall we?"

Finally reaching their destination (in this case, the Crusade, Allen's nifty little airship), the trio scrambled on board without ceremony, not wishing to be crushed by the flimsy (and unreliable) cave walls. Preparations to take off immediately began, much to the dismay of the two girls.

"Wait! Where's Allen!" Hitomi complained.

"Where's Lord Van!" Merle whined.

"See?" The Moleman (you just can't get rid of this guy!) miraculously appeared behind them. "Foreshadow! Foreshadow!"

"Not that again!" Hitomi groaned, sick of the Moleman and his 'mysterious' (a.k.a. creepy) ways.

"We'll meet them soon," Gaddess assured them before turning to the crew members on board the small craft. "Weigh anchor!" He commanded.

"Weigh anchor, aye, captain!" One answered. "Argh, me hearties! Avast! Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!" He suddenly broke out into a pirate jig with several other crew members before Gaddess put a stop to their nonsense with a sound slap on the back of the head.

"Get back to work!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Now set sail!"

-Back Outside Allen's Castle-

Dilandau was having fun. Lots of fun. Not only did he get to kill innocent people (which he liked), he also got to set fire to everything that was flammable (which he loved).

"Burn, baby, burn!" He crowed, much satisfied with his handiwork. "Awww, yeaaaah!" A crackling response on the radio cut his celebration short.

"This is retarded." Folken's voice crackled. "Have you taken your meds?" Dilandau scowled in confusion.

"I don't _have_ any meds!"

"Well, it just seems to me that a blood-loving, violence-craving, fire-obsessed teenager should be on some sort of medication. That's all I'm saying." Folken explained from his vantage point inside the Floating Jellyfish. "Anyway, how long are you going to continue this pointless slaughter?" Dilandau gave it a second's thought.

"As long as it takes for them to die?" He ventured. "Look, this is the best way to destroy evidence. You just _burn_ it all. Now we just sit and wait until we smoke out that pesky Escaflowne!" Folken wasn't convinced.

"Do you really think this Allen Schezar will do something as stupid as let himself be herded by a fire?" He asked.

"Well, he lets himself be herded by women, so…" Dilandau scoffed. Folken looked closely at the scene of the battlefield, narrowing his eyes as he caught something suspicious.

"Look." He said, deciding to give Dilandau a hint. "There's a waterfall behind the Castle. Birds build nests there, to keep them from getting attacked, you see."

"…And you're telling me this…why?" Dilandau asked. Folken ground his teeth.

"Just think, boy!"

"I don't friggin' know!"

"Okay, okay. Let's try again." Folken forced himself to remain calm. "When I say that 'birds' are behind the waterfall, I really mean…?"

"Balloons?"

"NO YOU FREAKING IDIOT! THEY'RE BEHIND THE DAMN CASTLE!" Folken exploded, finally losing his cool.

"Oh." Dilandau paused before shooting off in an all out sprint for the back of the castle. His men followed suit.

"Now I think_ I_ need some meds…" Folken growled to himself.

-Back with Allen and Van-

Allen tore through the forest, pell mell on trying to get to the safe haven of the Crusade. Van could only hold on for dear life and pray that no one would notice that he had pissed his pants.

"Uh…Allen?" He called, "would it be possible to go a little…slower?"

"No can do!" Allen called back whilst leaping over several logs blocking the path (if you could call it one). "We only have one speed limit right now and it's called 'run like hell before the bastard Zaibach forces catch you and gut you like a fish'!" Van moaned and hung on tighter.

Finally, they arrived at their destination. A large waterfall (the same one poor Folken was trying to hint to Dilandau) cascaded downward below them, crashing against the rocks and showering the two with a fine spray of cold water.

"Um…this is very pretty and all Allen," Van said. "But what are we doing here?" He prayed Allen wasn't going to make a move or something on him, what with the romantic scenery and whatnot.

"Hold on tight." Allen warned, then leapt off the cliff before Van even had a chance to comply.

"AAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH! OhdearsweetbabyJesusIdon'twannadie!" Van howled as his stomach lurched and he almost lost his lunch yet again. He was getting quite tired of it. Not only did it burn and leave a bad taste in his mouth, but he also didn't want people getting the wrong idea and thinking that he was bulimic (which was quite believable with his spindly frame).

As the Guymelef plummeted through the air, the Crusade broke through the waterfall and sailed forth, right underneath…

You guessed it! The Scherazade landed smack-dab onto the Crusade, saving both pilot and passenger from certain death! My, what a coincidence! Or is it?

"Holy CRAP man!" Van asked, totally freaked out. "How the _EFF_ did you _do_ that! You jumped off the dumb cliff even before the Crusade poked its nose from out of the waterfall! Dear LORD!"

"I have two words for you, Van." Allen explained. "Unseen. Forces." Van blinked, then sighed in resignation.

"I should have known…"

"Hey! It's Allen!" Hitomi cried happily, looking up from the inside of the ship.

"Oh, Lord Van!" Merle chimed in.

"Fore-" Moleman began.

"QUIET!" Both girls barked.

"Unfurl the sails!" Gaddess commanded, taking charge like a good second-in-command.

"Unfurl the sails, aye!" One sailor responded.

"Quit repeating everything I say!" Gaddess said in an annoyed voice.

"Quit repeat-"

SMACK!

Sails (dinky ones) did indeed unfurl from the sides of this ship, giving them added speed and balance. And boy, did they need it…

"Ooh! You jerks!" Dilandau hissed from atop the cliff Allen had previously leapt off of. His subordinates flickered into view behind him. "Don't think you can get away! I'm Dilandau bleeping Albatou! I'm gonna swat you out of the sky!"

"But sir-" One of his men began to protest.

"_Van!"_ Dilandau barked in confusion. "What the _hell_ are_ you_ doing here? I thought you were supposed to be on that dumb little ship, not-"

"Uh, no sir. It's me. Gatti."

"…Are you sure? You sound a lot like Van."

"Yes, sir. I'm sure. It's me."

"…Well, stop talking! Why is your voice like that! That's just damn creepy!" Dilandau shuddered. "Oh. Wait. What were you going to say before I cut you off?"

"We can't use our Stealth Cloaks in flight mode, sir!" Gatti/Van said. He was rewarded with a vicious smack from his Master.

"I thought I told you to stop talking, Van! Who the hell cares if they see us? They're all gonna die, anyway! Mwahahahahaha!" He paused. "And also, it's a little too late to quit now, seeing as we are standing here completely visible to the naked eye, and they already knew who was attacking even though we had our Stealth Cloaks on, so… ATTACK!" So saying, Dilandau's Guymelef slowly floated upwards, its legs folding together, and zoomed after the fleeing aircraft.

Back on the Crusade, Van hopped out of Scherazade's grasp onto the deck of the Crusade. Rubbing his aching stomach, and promising himself to never hold Hitomi like that again, he turned to face Allen. "Where are we going?" He asked.

"To the capital of Austuria." Allen answered. "Their Floating Jellyfish is too slow to keep up." He glanced behind him. "My, what pretty birds those ar_OHMYGODTHOSEARENOTBIRDS_!" Van blinked in confusion and looked behind him also. Gaining on the craft were…HOLY CRAP! Flying Guymelefs! Frickin' sweet!

"They can fly!" Allen gasped. "That's not fair! _Mine_ can't! Damn them!" The approaching Guymelefs separated into an attack formation and dived for the ship.

"Look out below! …Psych! Hahaha!" Dilandau hollered as he dive-bombed Allen in Scherazade. He dodged and faced his opponent, gritting his teeth.

"Allright, you'd better show me how your Guymelefs fly, or else…" he warned, drawing his blade threateningly. Dilandau laughed.

"Make me, loser!"

"Allen! Above you!" Hitomi shrieked a warning from below deck.

"How the hell can I hear her from all the way up he- never mind." He dodged the flying Guymelef that had attempted an ambush. It flew past him, nearly crashed into the river below, then pulled up and smashed itself into an important-looking part of the ship.

"Crap! The rudder's (oh, so that's what it was) been hit!" Gaddess ground out, trying vainly the steer the ship.

"Allen!" Hitomi screamed.

"Lord Van!" Merle joined in.

"F-"

"ENOUGH ALREADY!" The two girls leapt at the Moleman in their frustration.

"Dammit!" Van cursed, seeing Allen fight valiantly with the enemy while he sat on his ass. "This is all Escaflowne's (not mine) fault! I must DO something!" Riddled with guilt, he threw himself off the ship into the open air. "Hm. Perhaps I should have thought this over a little bit more." He observed while flying through the air. Luckily, he got snagged onto a nearby rope protruding from the Crusade, and so was able to climb up it to get to his Guymelef.

"Van! What the hell do you think you're doing, young man!" Allen cried, trying to keep one eye on his opponent, Dilandau, and the other on Van, but only succeeding in making himself cross-eyed.

"Wait!" Gaddess rushed out and vainly tried to stop Van from taking off in the Escaflowne. Of course, he failed. The Escaflowne's cockpit snapped shut and Van took charge, making the Guymelef stand and jump off the ship.

"This seems vaguely familiar…" Van stated, unable to remember what he had done just seconds ago. "Oh well! _Dragon Mode_!"

The Transformer's theme song began to play as the Escaflowne suddenly morphed into a Dragon-type thingy. A Dragon head popped out of nowhere, legs molded together to create a serpentine tail, and small, flimsy wings protruded from it's back. All in all, the 'Dragon' Dornkirk wouldn't shut up about wasn't that much to look at.

"Giddy up, Escaflowne!" Allen cried, whipping out his much-loved cowboy hat as he took the reins and flew Escaflowne up, up, and away.

"Woah! A Dragon!" Allen cried in amazement.

"That's what Dornkirk wants us to capture? Geez, COME ON." Dilandau shoved Allen, whom he'd been grappling with, away and took off after Van. "Gatti, don't let him kick your ass_ too_ much!" He called behind him as Gatti took charge of the battle.

"Why's Lord Van leaving!" Merle squealed, eyes wide.

"He's trying to help us escape!" Hitomi gasped, awed by Van's unselfishness.

"Later, losers!" Van crowed atop his flyin' Dragon. "I'm not stickin' around to be killed, no sirree! I'm outta here!"

"Oh…Lord Van…" Merle sniffled.

Allen easily beat down his opponent and shoved him off the ship.

"Oh, no!" Gatti gasped, realizing his situation. He paused. "What the heck? Now I have Lord Dilandau's voice? _What the hell is wrong with me_! Damn you, puberty!" He then smashed into the river and was swept away.

"Don't get yourself killed…" Allen said, actually serious for once as he stared off after the fleeing Van.

"Gaddess! Turn the ship around! We have to help Van!" Hitomi pleaded. Gaddess shook his head.

"We can't, our rudder's been hit." Gaddess explained. "Sorry, but he's a dead man." Hitomi was overwhelmed with grief.

"No…"

"Lord Van…" Merle whimpered. Hitomi tensed, knowing what was coming next, as did everyone else on the ship.

"Oh…GOD." Hands darted toward ears, desperate to protect their precious eardrums.

"LORD VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Merle shrieked at the top of her voice.

"Hmm? Did someone say my name just now?" Van mused to himself, already miles away from the airship. "Nah, I'm safe. Mwahaha!" He glanced behind him and felt his stomach lurch when he saw the enemy Guymelefs flying hard on his ass. "What the! I thought they'd stay at the damn ship, not _follow_ me! Damn! What do I do now!" He suddenly felt queasy. "Urgghh…gettin' airsick…no, please…not again…why do I always puke?" And guess what? He puked.

"Yes, finally!" Dilandau giggled to himself, in pursuit. "I'm going to capture that dumbass Dragon so Dornkirk will stop being such a retard! Then I'll be able to kill anyone I want! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

-Episode 4 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.


	5. Episode 5: The Stupidness of Brothers

Author's Note: Yeah, here's another one. Hope you like it as much as the others. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 5

The Stupidness of Brothers

Recap: Hitomi's horrific vision comes true (of course) as Allen's pretty little castle gets destroyed by Dilandau and his gang of violence-loving misfits. Allen and company manage to escape the blood-bath and escape from the battle on board the Crusade, Allen's nifty lil' airship. Dilandau doesn't let that stop him as he and his crew launch an all-out attack on the good guys. Van runs for his life (or thoughtlessly sacrifices himself for the good of the team, you decide) and Dilandau gives chase. The show is back on…NOW!

Van fled in a panic, sweeping through the sky atop his Guymelef-turned-Dragon Escaflowne. Night cloaked the sky, making it harder to see for the boy Prince, and he needed as much range of vision as possible to escape the menace hot on his heels.

"CrapcrapcrapcrappitycrapCRAP!" Van hissed to himself as he reined in Escaflowne, banking to the right and placing a hand on his head to keep his cowboy hat safely in place. "How do I lose these losers? Crap!" He grit his teeth and tightened his hold on both hat and reins.

Behind him, several dark forms zoomed in the wake of the fleeing Dragon, steadily gaining ground…er…sky. Dilandau's Guymelef units were in pursuit.

"Hee hee hee!" Dilandau giggled gleefully to himself. "You'd better speed it up, Dragon boy! If you went any slower, we'd have to turn around to chase you!"

A dark shape of a Dragon flew across the white expanse of the moon, blotting it from the sky for a moment. Several more shapes followed soon after.

"Damn you, Allen! Hitomi too! …And that damn annoying cat brat! Damn you all! I wish you had all just died so I would be _safe_! Gaaah!" Van wailed and nearly lost his footing.

"Allright now! Time for my target practice!" Dilandau grinned maniacally, lifting one of his Guymelef's arms. "And a _moving_ target, no less! This is my lucky day!" Taking careful aim of the Dragon's backside, he pressed the trigger button and fired his deadly Crima Claw.

"YEEEEK!" Van saw the danger approaching and barely managed to dodge. The fiery shot sped past and crashed into the dark forest below. Van gasped in horror.

"What did the forest ever do to _you_? Jerk!" He stopped and looked dead-pan into the camera. "Remember, kids. Only _you_ can prevent forest fires."

"Try this on for size, Van!" Dilandau ground his teeth in frustration, then froze. "Wait…how the _EFF_ do I know his name? I thought I didn't know who was piloting that stupid Dragon! ARGH! Whatever! Just as long as I get to _kill_ something!" He took aim and fired again, this time scoring a direct hit. "Yes! Ten points! I win a teddy bear! Where the hell is it?" He looked around for one, but in vain. Dilandau sighed and gave himself a hug. "You don't need that dumb teddy bear, you got yourself, you're so damn hot…"

"Aw, come on, Escaflowne!" Dilandau's shot had crippled one of Escaflowne's wings, and it veered dangerously to and fro across the night sky. "Don't die on me, baby! My Dragon insurance will go up! And I already pay so damn much for it! Nooo!" Van pulled up on the reins, preparing to land. "Wooaah, there, girl!" Escaflowne whinnied in reply.

As the Dragon swooped down, the Transformers theme music began to play again as the Escaflowne, well, transformed. Soon the familiar form of the Guymelef-Escaflowne emerged and crash-landed on the barren mountain slopes. Dilandau's men fired several more potshots, which slammed into the ground around the Escaflowne, spreading fire and debris everywhere.

"Heyyy!" Van cried, wincing at the onslaught. "Enough already! I give! Just don't bust up my Guymelef, please!"

Dilandau wasn't listening. The enemy Guymelefs landed gracefully, legs separating, Stealth Cloaks sliding into place and taking effect. Van gulped as they disappeared from view.

"Gaaah…where did they go? I'm totally wiggin' out, man!" He looked back, front, right, left. Nothing. CRAP. Oh, wait. With each crashing step, large footprints were left in the wake of the enemy Guymelefs. But that probably had no connection with where they _were_, so whatever. "How the hell am I supposed to fight an enemy I can't even see? This is just like Predator! Where that huge Austrian guy fights that alien thing that he can't see!"

"You wheer sahying?" Arnold Swarzenagger appeared out of thin air, decked out in military paint and gear. "I _sehd_, I'll be baaaahck." He turned toward the camera. "Go see mah new movie, Collahteral Dahmage!" He turned back. "Get to da choppah! Eets not ah tumah!" He was promptly stomped on quite hideously by an 'unseen' enemy.

"What the _EFF_ was that freak_ talking_ about? I couldn't even understand the bleeping motherbleeper!" Van screwed up his face in confusion, before snapping himself back to the present. "Are they there? No. There? Nope. THERE? Daw! _Behind me_? I knew it! That's where they always are!" Van was seized from behind by sharp claws that clamped on and held him firmly in place, trapped like a rabbit in a snare. Laughter wafted through the air in front of him, as Dilandau's Guymelef shimmered into view.

"Ha ha ha," he laughed, which I just freaking said. "Hey, kid, gimme your lunch money." Oh, the big bully routine, eh?

"Uh…first of all, we're 15 friggin' years old," Van explained from his precarious position in the enemy Guymelef's grip. "And second of all, I don't have any lunch money."

"WRONG ANSWER!" Dilandau was not pleased. "You set yourself up a decoy so the others could escape, huh? Well I can't stand hero-"

"No, actually, I was running away to save my own sweet ass." Van corrected, interrupting Dilandau, who stopped in surprise.

"Gee," he admitted. "That's pretty admirable- I mean, SILENCE! I…uh, like stuff like that, but, I'm gonna…beat you up…anyway! Yeah! Die!"

"Oh God no!" Van was horrified. "Not the _kneecaps_, please! Gaaah!" He continued to beg and plead as Dilandau extracted a large iron baseball bat from somewhere on his Guymelef's person and proceeded to shatter the Escaflowne's precious leg-benders. After several dozen strikes, he stopped.

"He's down already?" He observed, disgusted. "Geez, he could only take a few hits? What a loser." A nearby Guymelef cleared his throat (the pilot, not the Guymelef).

"Sir, he was crying like a little girl on the first hit."

"…What a MEGA loser."

"Dilandau!" Folken's voice cut in through the radio. "I thought I told you he was to be taken alive." Dilandau snorted.

"Yeah, _alive_. What does it matter if he has a few busted bones and internal injuries, as long as he's still breathing? You never _did_ say he had to be in mint condition." He paused for a second. "GAWD I love loopholes. Especially in one of the next few episodes, where I-"

"KNOCK IT OFF!" Folken cut him off just in time to save the story from being ruined…yet again. "Look, just stick to your lines, okay?"

"Anyways," Dilandau said, ignoring Folken and yet listening to him at the same time, "I was just having a little fun."

"You call _that_ fun? Okay, maybe a card game or prank, but _that_? You seriously need some meds, kid."

"Will you shut up about the freaking meds already?" Dilandau didn't want to hear it from a Dracula-wannabe who angst-ed in his free time. He sighed in relief as he saw the Floating Jellyfish approaching. Finally. This scene was over.

-Back With Allen's Crew-

Goats leapt across dark, craggy chasms littered around the Gaean wasteland, bleating annoyingly. Oblivious in their stupidity of the fires raging along the nearby hillside, they bounced into their own death in the inferno. Allen and his crew watched soberly from their view inside the approaching Crusade.

"Fire! I see fire down there!" One called out.

"We ALL see it, dumbass!" Gaddess said, giving him a smack. Hitomi stared at the flames, a worried expression haunting her face. Allen took notice that Hitomi's attention was not focused on either him or his hair, so action was taken.

Don't worry, Hitomi," he said as he sidled up to the psychic girl. "I'm _sure_ Van is just fine!" So saying, he turned to his men. "Okay, guys! We're lookin' for Van's corpse! It'll probably be difficult for us to identify the body, as it will most likely be charred beyond all recognition. Not to mention broken, bloodied, and raped numerous times."

"HEY!" Hitomi interjected. "You're not making me feel any better!"

"Er…sorry." Allen scratched his head. "They say only an idiot of Fanelia can operate Escaflowne, so there is a _sliiight _chance that he'll be alive. And not raped."

"Gee. That sounds great." Hitomi sounded thrilled.

"We'll get these bastards back!" Reeden snarled, cracking his knuckles. "They burned down our crappy-ass castle! It was _our_ crappy-ass castle to burn down! Revenge! Reeeevenge!" Other crewmembers joined into the blood-hungry rabble. Gaddess gave them a look of disdain before turning to Allen.

"Any orders, Captain?" He asked. Allen adopted a thoughtful look before responding.

"Yes, I think I'll have a cheeseburger with fries…oh! And a coke!" He finished with a smile. Gaddess rubbed his forehead.

"NO, sir. I mean for US."

"Why, you guys want something, too? Cause I got this coupon here-"

"NEVERMIND!" Gaddess gave up.

"How many men do we have?" Allen decided to change the subject.

"Um…including you?"

"Yes, including me!"

"Seven, sir."

"So…a frontal assault against the Floating Jellyfish will be difficult?" Allen rubbed his chin in thought. "So we'll cheat like bastards and sucker-punch them when they're not looking! Genius! Nya ha!" The crew cheered heartily. "But _first_, we have to find them."

"Allen, uh, excuse me?" Hitomi piped up. "I think I might be able to use my creepy powers to help find out where Van is." Allen stared at her like she had rabies.

"Suuuuure you can…" he said disbelievingly, which only angered Hitomi.

"I'm serious!" She insisted.

"Well…" Allen mused, "you _were_ right about Zaibach coming to attack the Castle, but _any_ idiot would have expected them to-"

"Except you, sir," Pyle shot in from across the room.

"Yeah, which makes him a _super-idiot_." Kio finished.

"Really?" Allen asked, delighted. "I'm a- NO! That's not funny!"

"Look, ever since I was a little girl," Hitomi dragged everyone back to the story line, "my hunches have been right, but NOW they're so damn spot-on it's just _freaky_!"

"Well, that's true," Allen agreed, "but this job is really meant for us men – I mean Knights."

"You call _them_ Knights?" Hitomi looked over her shoulder at the filthy, belching and farting men.

"Er…" Allen eyed his men. "Look, you understand, don't you, my pretty little pet?" Allen began stroking Hitomi's head fondly. "Who's a good little girl! You are! You are!" Hitomi sighed dreamily.

"Oh…Allen- NO! I must not be swayed! Take me seriously!" Allen was off talking to Gaddess on the other side of the room. Hitomi steamed. "HEY! Damn you! Why not give me a try!" This caught Allen's attention.

"Well, why not?" He overturned her onto a nearby table and lowered his head to kiss her. Hitomi squawked in rage.

"_I meant try to find Van!"_

"Oh. Darn." Allen let Hitomi back up.

-On the Floating Jellyfish-

Tucked safely away within the large crevice filled with similar-looking floating chunks of rock, the Floating Jellyfish hummed quietly. Several Guymelef units deployed from the hangar doors, dropping down to the water below before sweeping up and flying off. Dilandau and Folken walked side by side along a metal catwalk.

"I've sent out search and kill-the-crap-out-it teams. Those losers can't go back home because I took the liberty of burning it to smithereens. We don't have to hide like little pansies anymore!" Dilandau huffed.

"Hush!" Folken glared at him. "We'll wait for your demolition team to return, and then see how we feel after that. We _must_ keep Emperor Dornkirk happy. We can't afford to screw this up and have him all crazy again."

"Ugh, gawd, not him again." Dilandau made a face. "He's loony." The duo came to a stop in front of a familiar white Ispano Guymelef. Very familiar, in fact…why, it's the Escaflowne! Imagine that! "We'll be fine now that we have this," Dilandau gestured toward the melef. "Let's just drag Van, er, I mean 'the Samurai', out, and destroy this piece of crap." Folken shook his head.

"No! I can't allow you to do that." He began climbing the stairs leading to the Escaflowne. Dilandau scrambled up after him.

"Why the _eff_ not!"

"Not until we fully understand why Dornkirk is so friggin' obsessed with the thing."

"…Because he's mental?"

"Silence!" Folken, having reached the top of the platform, placed his hand onto his sword and (purposefully) cut his finger open. Sadly for him, the brothers were more alike that others may have thought… "Oh GOD! Look at all the blood! Oh dear Lord! Sweet Jesus! Someone get a towel, I think I'm bleeding to death here!"

-About 20 Minutes Later-

Folken laboriously climbed the stairs leading up to the Escaflowne once again, now with his hand swaddled in thick bandages. Dilandau snickered off to the side, and Folken shot him a piercing glare. Clearing his throat, he stepped up to the Escaflowne, desperate to get it right this time.

"Silence!" He repeated, then held up his hand to Escaflowne's pretty pink energist. It began to glow with an unearthly light.

"Ohhh…" Dilandau murmured in delight. "Pretty lights…I mean, uh, hurry up and open that dumb thing." Folken didn't pay him any mind, but sighed in disappointment.

"Oh, geez, Van. Is 1234 the _hardest_ security code you could come up with for the Escaflowne? God help us all." Escaflowne's hatch slid open and an unpleasant smell wafted out.

"Eeeugh! It smells like pee!" Dilandau held his nose and waved a hand in front of his face. Folken couldn't help but smile.

"Still pissing your pants at the first sign of danger. You never change, Van." The Escaflowne wasted no time and unceremoniously shot Van out of his chair like a cannonball. Van slammed into the ground with a grunt, but wasn't injured as his extremely hard forehead absorbed most of the impact.

"Owie…" He whimpered before passing out. Dilandau gasped aloud.

"Hey! It's _him_! I totally can't believe it! No way did I know Van was in that Guymelef, even though I called out his name while pursuing him! No siree!"

"Yes, this is (what's left of) Fanelia's new King." Folken said matter-of-factly.

"God help that Kingdom."

"Amen."

-Back With the Crusade-

Guymelefs skimmed the night air overhead. Allen's crewmen atop the airship cringed, trying to make themselves less noticeable as the enemy units continued on past the small canyon, not noticing them. Thankfully, the crew had posted a large, colorful sign onto the nearby hilltop that read, "So _Totally_ Not the Hiding Place for the Crusade!" It appeared to be working.

"Damn. Them things are almost as creepy as that Messed-up Moon chick," one man commented before turning back to his job of patching up the tattered sails of the Crusade.

Inside the Crusade was another matter. Hitomi sat at a small desk, nervously flipping over tarot cards and studying them. Allen slumped in a chair opposite her with a bored expression on his face. Merle was absorbed in the art of licking herself clean with her own tongue. Eww. Several of Allen's men peeked into the room.

"So, can this girl really tell us about the Boss's past (not like we wanna know)?" Pyle asked. He paused and blinked. "Is…is this my only line in the whole damn episode? I need a new agent."

"Shhh," Reeden hissed. "We're trying to watch." Hitomi was flipping over another card.

"The Fool?" She observed. She looked up at Allen, who had apparently fallen asleep with his eyes open. "That sure fits _him_ like a glove." She cleared her throat to startle Allen out of his light doze.

"Hrmmnrn?" Allen blinked a couple times to moisten his eyes again, then shifted his gaze to the first female thing in the room. Hitomi stared blankly back at him. "Oh… are you ready to start now?"

"Yes." Hitomi glanced down at the card she held. "Let's start. I see…that you're an idiot…"

"How did you know?" Allen gasped in disbelief.

"I see…that your daddy was a loser…"

"Right again!"

"I see…a family divided?"

"Bulls-eye!"

"I see…that your zipper is undone."

"Eep!" A bit flustered, Allen quickly shut his barn door.

"Is she right?" Reeden whispered to the others.

"How would I know?" Gaddess growled. "He hardly ever talks about his past! For all we know, he could have been a Vietnamese prostitute before we met him!"

"I'm right." Hitomi was sure of it. "I'm sure of it (see?). He blames everything that's happened on his father, the irresponsible jerk." (Uh…Hitomi is thinking this.)

"Continue," Allen said with the warmth of an ice-burg, glaring heatedly at Hitomi all the while. She cringed under his visual barrage.

"He looks kinda mad…is it something I said?" Hitomi once again thought to herself. Allen's pretty owl was perched nearby and hooted for no apparent reason. Hitomi gave it a nervous glance before shifting in her chair, preparing to predict some more of Allen's fortune. She frowned and shifted uncomfortably some more.

"You okay, Hitomi?" Allen asked, concerned. Hitomi peeked up at him.

"Umm…can you please stop molesting me with your feet?" Hitomi begged, wiggling around in her seat. Allen sighed heavily.

"Oh, okay…" He pulled his shoes away and stopped playing footsies with Hitomi, who was much relieved and launched into another bout of psychic interrogation.

"Justice! The card of Judgment!" Hitomi breathed. "In the future, you're going to meet your bastard father!"

"Eh!" Allen jerked upright, rigid with anger.

"And you're gonna hate him!" Hitomi went on.

"Well, _duh_!" As if Allen didn't already know this.

"And you've also got a rash on your ass!" Hitomi was on a roll.

"Hey, how did you know-"

"And you've been skipping out on your bills lately!"

"Okay, that's enough-"

"And you've slept with-."

"Alright! Thank you!" Allen seized Hitomi's hand and tried to stop her tirade.

"But I haven't finished-"

"You pass already!" Allen whipped out a map of Gaea and spread it out onto the table before them. "Just tell us where Van is!"

"Oh. Okay."

-Somewhere Onboard the Floating Jellyfish-

In a dark, creepy looking room somewhere onboard the Floating Jellyfish, a lone blue (Blue? What the?), yes,_ blue_ candle flickered. From somewhere amidst the shadows, a low whistling tune emerged, piercing the darkness. Van, who lay atop a nearby bed against the wall of the room, shifted in his deep sleep, disturbed by the annoying whistling.

"Mmm. Hmmnnhhmmpphh." he mumbled irritably, tossing over and trying to go back to sleep again. The whistling paused for a brief moment, but then started up again, louder than before. Van scrunched his eyes tighter. "Hmmmshhhut up! Need sleepy!" He murmured, placing his pillow atop his head in an attempt to block out the sound. The whistling stopped once again. Van sighed in relief. The whistling returned, as loud as the whistler could manage (which was pretty damn loud). Van growled in anger. "Oh God will you shut the hell up I'm trying to _sleep_ here!" The whistling came to an end yet again.

"Wake up, idiot!" Something stuck Van hard on his head, somewhat padded by the pillow, but still hard enough to jolt him out of his stupor.

"Who the hell!" Van threw off his pillow and lurched upright, sleepiness clouding his eyes. Rubbing them, he stared blearily around until he caught sight of someone standing a few feet from him. "If you're the dude who was whistling, you're so friggin' dead." Just then, Van got a good look at who was in front of him. There was no mistaking it. It had to be…

"Oh dear lord! A Vampire! Please don't suck my blood!" Van pleaded as he threw himself off the bed at the feet of his abuser. Folken (as you predicted correctly) scowled.

"Come _on_! I don't look that much like a motherbleeping Vampire!" He snarled, sick of all the damn Vampire jokes. Well, gee, Folken, if you're so sick of 'em, why don't you just, I don't know_, get a change of clothes_? "You just shut up!" Allright, fine. Yeesh. Touchy.

"Who're you talking to?" Van asked, dazed and confused.

"Er, no one." Folken lied. Van stared at him suspiciously, then was hit with a stunning realization.

"Hey! That…was a Fanelian tune! One of the most freaking annoying! How on Gaea did _you_ know it! Who the heck _are_ you?"

"Oh, please," Folken scoffed. "Any idiot would know that lame tune. Doesn't Fanelia play it for all the damn tourists? I swear…" He trailed off, shaking his head in despair. Van, meanwhile, had been smartly surveying the room he was being held in, and spotted his precious sword lying on a nearby table top. Glancing at Folken (though he still doesn't know who the crap he is), and seeing that he was still absorbed in oceans of self-pity, he bolted for the table and succeeded in procuring his weapon. He quickly unsheathed it and stood before his attacker.

"Alright, Dracula-wannabe! Bring me to my Guymelef! Now!" Van's demand had absolutely no effect on Folken, who continued staring blankly at him, a bit pissed off at all the Vampire remarks he was spouting.

"You think Zaibach soldiers will give in to such threats?" He asked coldly.

"…Yes?" Van asked, unsure.

"_Well you're wrong_!" Folken exploded. "You can't escape!" Van gulped, then an idea sprang to mind. Not a particularly bright one, however.

"Alright, nobody move, or else the Van gets it!" He held the sword against his own throat, glaring threats at Folken. "I'm serious! I will totally friggin' kill myself!" Van got a little too excited and accidentally fumbled his sword and cut his finger. "Owie!" Van immediately dropped his sword and began to cry. Folken stared at the all too familiar scene unfolding before him.

"Stop being a baby, already," he stated, kicking Van's sword out of reach. Van clutched his 'mortal' wound and stared at the other man. "Never throw your life away so easily." Saying this, Folken begin removing his cloak and other raiment. Van's eyes bugged out of his head.

"Oh crap! Are you gonna RAPE me or something! I shoulda known! Gaah!" He looked around desperately for an exit, but found none. "No, please! I'll take anything but that!" Folken, now hidden in the shadows, ignored Van and his panicked babbling. Van's eyes opened even wider when the shape of wings emerged from Folken's back.

"Wha…._brother_?" Van finally realized who this Goth person standing before him was. "AAAUUGH! NO! I'D RATHER BE RAPED!"

-Back Onboard the Crusade-

In the same room as before, Hitomi bent over the map of Gaea, holding her pendant aloft a few inches above it. She was doing some weird thing called 'dowsing', y'know, like when you take sticks and look for water or whatever. Anyways, it's _weird_. Allen, Merle, Moleman, and Gaddess (the gang's all here!) all stared intently at her while she did it, not helping with the situation. Half glaring at everyone and half keeping an eye on the map, she pushed valiantly onwards, searching for Van.

"D'ya think she can really find him with that thing?" Gaddess whispered, asking no one in particular. Everyone else shrugged.

"Uh…excuse me? I'm right friggin' here." Hitomi did not appreciate being doubted right in front of her face. It threw off her creepy psychic abilities. Moleman took a swig from his precious jug of spirits.

"Who knows?" He mumbled, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "It's makin' me dizzy." He paused and looked at his drink. "That or the booze."

Nobody was listening to him.

-Aaaand We're Back on the Floating Jellyfish-

"Dear God we're having a lot of scene changes in this episode." Folken growled, a little upset. Van nodded.

"I know. It's really annoying. My head's all spinning and-"

"Crap! It's back to us!" Folken had noticed the scene had shifted back to the brothers. Clearing his throat, he began his lines. "It's been a long time, Van. Ten years, huh?" Van glared at him, a surly expression on his face.

"I had always hoped that you'd been torn savagely apart by rabid Dragons and eaten alive. Damn you! Sob! Why can't you be part of some Dragon's crap? Why? How could you run away from your duty? Blah blah you suck blah blah I hate you blah."

Folken heaved a sigh, turning away from Van. "You done yet?"

"NO. Why are you with Zaibach? Why did you burn Fanelia to the ground?"

"That was that psycho who needs meds, Dilandau, not-"

"Let me finish! You always DO that! Cut me off before I finish what I want to say! Why do you have a mullet? Why do you look like a vampire? Why? Why? Answer me!" Folken didn't answer, only chuckled to himself, which enraged Van even more. "Hey! Why are you laughing at me? Don't laugh because I'm trying to act tough!" He grabbed hold of Folken and whirled him around.

"Actually, I was laughing because I just remembered a really funny joke I heard the other day."

"Oh? Is it the one about the rabbi and the- _stop trying to distract me, dammit_!" Van shouted. Folken ignored his little temper tantrum and stepped forward.

"Van, my brother," he began. "Join me, and together we'll rule the universe as father and son! Oooh…haaah…ooohh…haaah." Folken sounded like he was hyperventilating. Van pounded him on the back, causing him to cough.

"You okay there?" Van asked, more than a little concerned. "It sounds like you got some bad asthma or something."

"Er…never mind." Folken had recovered and resolved to never do that again. "I mean, join Zaibach. It's got a really great health plan, plus the cafeteria food isn't half bad! The only bad thing about it is that you're ordered around by a crazy ass old man, Dornkirk. Aw, hell." Folken gave up trying to persuade his brother, as Van's expression only became more and more horrified. Stepping forward, he wrapped an arm around his brother and used a finger of his metal arm (did…did I not mention that before? Yeah, one of Folken's arms is metal. There you go.) to inject something into Van's unprotected neck.

"You…know…I…hate needles…" Van whimpered before passing out and falling face-first onto the floor.

-Back…_Again_…With the Crusade-

The sun rose majestically into the sky, breaking over the hills and shining forth onto the exhausted occupants gathered around the lone table. Hitomi was still at it. Sweat beaded her forehead and she was clearly tired, but she pushed onward and kept dowsing the map of Gaea for any trace of Van. The others surrounded her, in various bored positions. Moleman was asphyxiating loudly in his sleep over by the wall, disturbing everyone greatly.

"Can someone _please _shut him up?" Hitomi asked, scrunching her forehead. "He's ruining my concentration." Merle promptly snatched up a dirty sock from nearby and crammed it into the Moleman's open maw, successfully muffling the snores. "Thanks."

"No problem." Merle flashed her a thumbs-up. Hitomi shifted her concentration back to the map and her pendant. She was almost there, she was sure. She gasped as Allen suddenly leaned in close and wiped her damp forehead with a cloth. Obviously, he was trying to rack up the points while he could.

"Do you want to rest?" He asked sweetly. Hitomi couldn't help but smile. "_My_ bed's free." Allen winked suggestively. The smile disappeared just as fast as it came.

"Uh…no thanks. I'm fine." She wiggled as far away from him as she could. "I wish I had something of Van's here…" She said wistfully. "It sure would help to find him…"

"I've got something!" Merle sang, jumping up. Hitomi stared blankly at her.

"Oh, I'm sure you do, you obsessed little kitty." She muttered. Merle ignored her, and held out her hand.

"Here! This bandage!" Indeed, in her hand was the very bandage Van had affixed onto her shoulder wound she'd received from the poisonous plant. Hitomi hesitated.

"Huh. Isn't that kinda…_yours_? When you think about it technically, it- aw, hell. Let's just use it." Hitomi took the bandage and prepared to try again.

"What else can we do?" Merle pressed, desperate to find her Lord Van.

"Well, just picture Van in your head," Hitomi shrugged.

"Naked?" Merle asked hopefully.

"NO."

"Damn." Merle took a seat besides Hitomi, and placed a paw, er, hand atop hers, lending Hitomi her strength. Allen, seeing this as the only time he could technically have a threesome, also placed his hand atop the girls'.

"Just picture Van in my mind, eh?" Allen smirked. "Hmm…let's see. Spindly legs, check. Greasy, unwashed hair, check. _Totally_ dead fashion sense, DOUBLE CHECK. Oh, yeah, baby. I have GOT this." Hitomi ignored him, instead concentrating all her energy through her swinging pendant to find the elusive prince. She channeled more and more energy down the pendant, focusing it, until…

"Gah!" Hitomi jerked upright as if pinched on the ass by- "HEY!" Hitomi slapped Allen's hand away.

"Sorry. Couldn't resist. You look so cute when you concentrate." Allen amended. Hitomi glared at him for an instant, then diligently turned back to the map. She had just started focusing her energy again when…

"Nyah!" Hitomi jerked upright again, this time not from Allen's groping, but from a startling vision of strange, floating chunks of rock, accompanying a large, dark jellyfish-like shape of a ship, followed by an image of Van, laying atop a bed, sucking his thumb sweetly in his sleep. "Aww…" The vision dissipated. Hitomi shook her head to clear it.

"There? That's the place where the wandering earth collects!" Allen informed, seeing where Hitomi's pendant hung above on the map, spinning suggestively. Hitomi looked relieved, then confused.

"Wait, what? Wandering earth? What the crap- forget it. I don't even wanna know." Hitomi said.

"I'll tell you anyways." Allen crushed her hopes. "It's where the Levistones are."

"That's it!" Gaddess leapt up excitedly. "That's the _perfect_ place for the Floating Fortress to hide!"

"…Why?" Hitomi asked.

"I…don't…_know_…" Gaddess drew out. Hitomi felt a sudden uncontrollable urge to sleep fall over her.

"Sleeeeepy time…." She whimpered, sagging over in her seat. Allen, ever watchful for a chance to touch a woman, leapt to catch her.

"Awwww yeah! Whoooo!"

"Hey! No funny stuff, Schezar!" Merle hissed at him.

-Guess What? We're Back on the Floating Jellyfish-

Dilandau stood in front of the Escaflowne, pouting as usual. He was alone in the Guymelef hangar, and he wasn't up to any good. Which was pretty much usual also.

"Huh. Why does that wacko Dornkirk want Escaflowne so much?" Dilandau mumbled to himself, glaring at the Escaflowne. Escaflowne shuddered and tried to make itself smaller. "It looks like a piece of crap to me." Dilandau paused, then took a few steps closer. He cocked his head, as if hearing a voice. "What's that, pretty pink stone? Touch you? …Well, I don't know…oh, alright!" Dilandau reached out his hand toward the beckoning crystal.

-Back on the Crusade-

The Crusade, no longer hiding away in cowardice, soared through the sky, basking in the sunlight. It's propellers thrummed and motor roared. Inside, Reeden peeked out through the periscope, searching for…

"Well, well, well! I found 'im!" He crowed, pumping a fist in the air in celebration.

"You found Zaibach?" Gaddess asked, excited.

"No, I found Waldo." Reeden held up the Where's Waldo picture book he'd been holding. "See? He's right there next to the-"

SMACK!

"Get back to work!"

"Okay, okay!" Reeden put the book aside, and with a promise to look at it later, began peering through the periscope once again, searching for… "Hey! I found 'em! For real this time! Floating Jellyfish spotted!"

"Okay! Heat the Levistones!" Allen took command and began barking orders to his men. "Cut our levitation in half and charge the fortress! …I have no idea what the hell I just said!" Despite Allen's ignorance of the situation, the loyal crewmen knew what the do. Mechanical gears began churning, steam sprayed, and several important-looking thingies started glowing.

"Levitation down to twenty!" Someone cried. Allen nodded, pretending that he understood what was going on. He raised his hand.

"Furl the sails! Hold on tight! And where the heck is my glass or warm milk!" Allen pouted until a sprinting crewmember appeared with his order and disappeared soon after to carry out orders elsewhere. "What, no silly straw?"

As the Crusade's sails drew in and its Levistones power decreased, it began to (literally) drop out of the sky toward the Jellyfish below. This did not bode well with the two inexperienced young girls onboard.

"EEEEEK!" Hitomi and Merle squealed in fright and clutched each other. Somehow Allen had succeeded in positioning himself in the middle of the two girls and so was rather enjoying himself. "Allen, GET OFF!" Hitomi howled, shoving him violently away after noticing him. Merle added to the abuse with several bites and scratches.

Inside the Floating Jellyfish, Dilandau suddenly gave a blood-curdling scream as Escaflowne's Energist shot out beams of light. Hurty light. "Auugh! Stupid pink stone thingey! You lie! You're not my friend! That hurts, dammit! Cry!" Dilandau managed out between shrieks.

In the Command Center, Folken steadied himself against a nearby console as the Jellyfish rocked violently. "Alright, Dilandau! What have you done _this_ time?"

Van, still resolutely sucking his thumb and slumbering the day away, was pulled from his pleasant dreams of Folken being torn to shreds by vicious Dragons. "Will you SHUT THE HELL UP! I need more sleepy!" Van opened his eyes and looked around. He suddenly remembered his situation. "Oh. I should probably try to escape."

Outside, the Crusade still plummeted through the sky, on a crash course with the steadily-growing-closer Floating Jellyfish. One of the many floating Levistones littering the air around the Jellyfish came into direct contact with the falling vehicle.

"Nice steering, dumbass!" A crewmember yelled.

"Hey!" The one driving barked back. "You come over here and try! This thing is harder to steer than it looks!"

"Well maybe I will, you lame son of a-"

"JUST STEER, DAMMIT!" Gaddess broke up the scuffle before any damage could be done.

"Yeeeek!" Hitomi held on tightly to some nearby furniture as the Crusade tilted dangerously. Whipping an arm around, she yanked her skirt back in to place before Allen could get a view of her panties.

"Dammit!" He cursed.

Back at the Command Center of the Jellyfish, Folken had somewhat recovered. "What the crap just happened?" He demanded, wanting answers. A soldier ran up.

"Uh…there was an explosion thingy, y'know, one where there's fire and you scream 'Fire, fire! Oh dear God my baby! It burns!'. Stuff like that. In the Hangar. Cause unknown."

"_Cause known, cause known_!" Another soldier shrieked from his vantage point near the large window. "Losers approaching at 12:00!"

"Okay…what do we do till then?" The soldier was obviously a moron.

"SHUT UP!" Folken bellowed. "Change the damn scene already!"

Above, the Crusade still came closer and closer to its target. Huh. Couldn't pull a frontal attack on the Floating Jellyfish, eh, Allen? Well…_what do you call this_! The Crusade ignored the plot holes and continued on, finally making contact. It scraped along the side of the Jellyfish, leaving a long, ugly scratch in its wake.

"And I just painted it!" A Zaibach soldier lamented. "Why, God, why!"

"Anchor!" Allen cried, wanting the shaking and spinning to stop. It was ruining his hair. "Anchor! Anchoranchoranchoranchor!" His order was finally carried out as sharp stake-like objects shot from the Crusade and punched through into the Jellyfish (much to the despair of the Zaibach soldier), bringing the Crusade around and successfully anchoring it safely to their objective.

"Levitation restored!" Came the report.

"Okay!" Allen was brushing his hair. "Cut the tether! Then raise the propellers! …Damn! I sounded cool saying that!" The Crusade parked itself right next the Jellyfish's Hangar door. How convenient. "Aft mooring anchors! Fire!" Allen still had orders.

"Eeek! Where, sir!" One of the stupider crewmen squealed, looking to and fro. Even Allen was appalled at the man's stupidity.

"I meant fire the _harpoon_ thingies. And fire _you_ too."

"No, sir! Please!" The man begged. "I've got…well…it's just me, sir, but please don't fire me!" Allen sighed.

"FINE. Just fire the harpoons!" The dimwit complied. Large harpoons exploded from the crusade, latching themselves onto the Jellyfish, and pulled the Crusade closer so the knights could board her.

"Alright! Let's board her!" Allen cried, lifting his sword high. The crewmen cheered, all but one.

"We're gonna hit them with boards?" It was the same retarded crewman from before. Allen promptly turned to him and stabbed him in the gut, killing him instantly. The other crewmembers made no move to stop him.

"…Whee! Let's go!" Allen skipped out of the Crusade, followed by his cheering crewmen. Anyone stupider than Allen deserved to die, and this ship had room enough for only one idiot.

Allen and his men charged over onto the offending ship, screaming their lungs out with their weapons drawn. The enemy soldiers, upon seeing who was leading the charge, lost all fear and so joined in the fray.

"Here they come!" Allen cried valiantly, while inside he was desperately thinking, "Don'trundon'trundon'trun-"

"Leave them to me, sir!" Gaddess stepped in front of his commander, eager to get some on his pent-up frustration with the idiots in the crew out on these poor fellows.

"OhthankyouJesus- er…I'll let you, but only this one time!" Allen breathed a sigh of relief and ran off down a random hallway.

Van, still trapped somewhere aboard the confusing maze of rooms, listened intently with an ear pressed against the door. "When the hell did a hockey game start out there? And why wasn't _I _invited?"

Allen's men, while gross and somewhat slow, were actually good fighters. Gaddess was a whiz with a sword, while Oruto expertly threw knives. Kio and Pyle weren't half bad, either, beating the living bajeezus out of several Zaibach soldiers with their fists.

"I'M IN HEAVEN!" The Moleman squealed in delight as he 'liberated' several Zaibach valuables from their owners.

In one of the chaos-strewn hallways, three of Dilandau's Dragonslayers crowded together in a football huddle.

"Where's Lord Dilandau?" Gatti asked, concerned for their leader. Dallet snickered and Chesta couldn't help but give out a small giggle.

"Woah. Nice voice, Gatti. Who are you supposed to be, this time?" Dallet teased.

"Shut up!" Gatti flushed crimson. "I told you, it's puberty! My hormones are all out of whack! Look, let's just split up and find Lord Dilandau, alright?" Chesta and Dallet nodded in agreement, and they broke the huddle, all heading down separate halls in search of their master.

Four men rushed Allen, one from each side. With a squeal of fright, Allen ducked with his arms over his head to get out of the way and…the four soldiers promptly crashed their heads together, rending each other unconscious, and fell to the floor in a heap. Allen blinked in surprise and got up.

"Phew…yeah, I'm awesome." Something caught his eye to the left. Turning to look, he gave a gasp of delight. "Oh! It's the Escaflowne! Hi, Escaflowne!" He called, waving at the Guymelef like it could wave back. The Escaflowne sweat-dropped in embarrassment.

Chesta came bolting into the hallway, and immediately drew his sword and leapt at Allen. "Hey, Barbie! Draw!" He challenged, lunging at the Knight. Unluckily for him, hair cracks were the one thing Allen couldn't stand.

"BARBIE! Oh that is IT, boy! You are goin' DOWN!" In a fit of rage, Allen effortlessly drew his own sword and easily knocked Chesta's aside, then held Chesta hostage with his threatening blade. Chesta gulped against the sharp weapon at his throat.

"Ohmygoshpleasedon'trapeme-" he whimpered before Allen cut him off.

"I'm not gonna rape you, dummy. I'm only interested in raping- I mean, seducing- er…._having relations_ with _women_, okay? You're safe." Allen explained. Chesta sighed in relief.

Hitomi twiddled her thumbs in boredom inside the Crusade, waiting for Allen to return with Van in tow. Merle sat a little ways away, taking a short catnap. Hitomi sighed and peered out the glass of the front of the ship.

"Oh…Allen…" She breathed, anxious for him to return. Just as she was beginning to daydream about the so-called Knight…VISION TIME! A violent image of Van being set upon from behind by a red-clad pretty boy (Dilandau, but Hitomi doesn't know that. Right? I sure hope so. Cause then I'd just be rambling on and on. Okay. I'll stop now.). Hitomi gasped aloud and staggered back in shock, covering her face with her hands.

"What's wrong?" Merle asked, sensing something amiss.

"_I see dead people…"_ Hitomi whispered, horrified.

"Huh?"

"Uh, I mean, I saw it!"

"Saw what?"

"I've got to go!" Hitomi headed for the door. Merle followed after.

"Go where?" Merle had decided to be extra annoying today.

"…To the bathroom, of course!" Hitomi slipped into the bathroom. A moment later, she emerged again, the toilet flushing behind her. "Ahhh…how do you spell relief? P-E-E. Oh. Wait." Hitomi fiddled with her skirt to adjust it. Suddenly, it hit her. "CRAP! Van! Oh bleep!" Hitomi shot off to the exit, with Merle shrieking to know what was going on after.

Van, meanwhile, was trying to open the offending door in his way with his mind. "Aaaand…OPEN! OooooPEN! OOOOpen! OPEN SESAME!" Nothing happened. Van whirled around, pouting. "FINE, forget it!" The door silently slid open. "Oh, so NOW you wanna, huh?"

Chesta stood in the doorway but was knocked out before being able to speak a word. Kicking his body out of the way, Allen stepped into the darkened room.

"Hey, Van!" He said cheerily.

"Uh…hi…" Van was at a loss for words. "You…you came to rescue me? I…I don't know what to say…you don't know how much this means to-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Allen interrupted Van's touching speech. "I got a date with that hot Messed-up Moon chick tonight. Let's go!" He grabbed hold of Van's arm and dragged him along down the hall.

Hitomi stood before the gap separating the Crusade from the Floating Jellyfish. "Gee, weren't we…_closer _before? Ah, what the hell." She expertly measured the distance. "It looks about eight to nine feet across. Hmm…I don't know if I can make it…maybe I should just stay on the…"

"Hitomi!"

"Aw, bleep it. Anything to get away from the cat-brat."

"What in Gaea do you think you're doing!" Merle screeched as she ran up.

"Hold on to this." Hitomi removed her overcoat and tossed it into Merle's arms. "And this." She also handed Merle a small envelope.

"What this?" Merle asked, curious.

"My last will and testament."

"…Do I get anything?"

"NO." Hitomi shrugged her shoulders, trying to psych herself up. "I'm going to try to jump across," she told Merle.

"There is no 'try'. There is only 'do'." Merle croaked out in a froggish voice.

"What?"

"Nothing." Merle coughed nervously.

"My best long jump is eight feet. I'm relying on the 'unseen forces' to boost me the rest of the way." Hitomi strode back a few feet, then kneeled onto the ground, positioning herself for takeoff. "Unseen forces, don't fail me now!"

"You're crazy, bi-otch! There's no way you can jump across THAT! And who the hell are these 'unseen forces'?" Merle was flabbergasted.

"Oh. That's right. You haven't met them. But…you WILL." Hitomi shot off like a rocket. Running full blast down toward the gap, Hitomi leapt like a gazelle across the seemingly endless chasm. She began losing altitude. "Uh…unseen forces? You can kick in any time now!" An unseen force suddenly shoved her forward with immense power. Hitomi went flying forward and crash-landed on the Floating Jellyfish's entrance mat. "AW! MY ASS! This is like, the third time I friggin' break it, I swear!" Hitomi rubbed her aching rump. "Oh, hey! I made it! Hooray!" Hitomi jumped up and began a touchdown victory dance.

"Man. That girl's crazy." Merle stared at the break-dancing girl. Hitomi waved at the cat-girl, then sprinted off deeper into the ship.

"Okay…where the HELL is Van? I sure wish the visions would tell me WHERE the person in danger is." Hitomi had no idea where to go. "How am I supposed to warn him if I can't even _find_ the loser?"

Allen fought with some un-named soldiers, if you'd call it fighting. It was mostly running and screaming. Hitomi was no better off. "Where the hell am I!"

"Escaflowne's down that way!" Allen pulled to a stop in front of a corridor and pointed. "I'll take care of business here!" Van nodded in assent.

"Alright!" He sprinted off toward his beloved Guymelef.

"…And by 'take care of business', I mean runnin' the _hell_ away!" Allen headed off in the opposite direction.

Hitomi, still running around confused as ever, stopped short when she spotted Van running by. "There he is!"

"Van!" A voice rang out from above. Van halted and looked up in surprise. Above him, Folken stood on a high, metal catwalk. Acrid smoke wafted by him, somewhat obscuring his vision and clogging his lungs. "Don't smoke, kids," he commented between coughs into the camera.

"Brother!" Van howled in hatred, glaring evilly.

"Huh? He's Van's brother?" Hitomi shifted her gaze between the two siblings. "…They look nothing alike. Are they _really_?"

"Yes we ARE, Hitomi! Be quiet!" Van snapped, wanting to hear what his stupid brother had to say. Disappointingly, Folken had nothing more to add. He simply tossed Van his valuable sword, which cracked Van on the forehead and had him collapsing in a heap. Folken held his forehead (carefully) with his metal hand, ashamed of his lame brother. Van picked himself up and rubbed his now bleeding head. Folken turned away before Van could insult him.

"Hey! C-come back! You jerk!" Van shouted after him. Hitomi watched sadly.

"Oh, poor Van. …Huh?" She quickly turned her head at a nearby sound. "I hear strange noises of a sword being drawn coming from that suspicious-looking plume of smoke! Psychic girl senses, tingling!" Indeed, she was right.

Dilandau came charging out of the smoke, heading right for Van's unprotected back.

"Van! Behind you!" Hitomi screamed out a warning. Van looked back at her, confused.

"Huh? What do you want?"

"Turn around, retard!"

"Oh." Van whipped around just in time to block the strike that Dilandau had aimed for Van's back with his sheathed sword.

"I SO should have killed you when I had the chance!" Dilandau spat at the boy-prince. "You're gonna die!" Drawing back his blade, his motion unsheathed Van's own sword, then struck again. Van blocked again also. "I hate you! I don't know_ why_, but I do! I know you do something to me to make me hate y-" Slice! "Oh. Yes. This is it. Eeeeaaaghh!" Dilandau fell to his knees, trembling and clutching his now bleeding face.

"Oh jeez, Van!" Hitomi looked at Dilandau in pity. "The poor thing…"

"Let's go, lady!" Van snatched Hitomi's arm and propelled her to the Escaflowne.

Allen, meanwhile, was closing in on the exit. Van, in the Escaflowne, reared up beside him. In his Guymelef hand was Hitomi, being held with the utmost delicacy as Van now had empathy for her. "C'mon, Allen! Let's go!" He called. Allen nodded.

"That is a GREAT idea, Van! Gaddess!" He turned to his second-in-command. "Time to fleeee!"

"Alright, sir!" Gaddess saluted his leader, then turned to the other men. "Let's split!"

Everyone ran out of the Floating Jellyfish and boarded the Crusade once again. Wait…how the hell did they do that? Hitomi had to JUMP across, so why….Never mind. Unseen friggin' forces…Anyway, the propellers began to rotate, and the Levistones began powering up, lifting the Crusade into the air and away.

Dilandau crawled to the Hangar doorway, and glared after the retreating airship with infinite hatred. "You'll pay…you damaged my_ beautiful_ face!" He hissed, cradling his face. "This is _totally_ going to scar! Look at this! No _way_ am I getting stitches!"

Folken also watched the escaping airship. "Van…my brother…some day, you will join me…and we will rule the world as father and- er. Uh. Yeah. You'll be by my side. And I don't mean to make that sound gay."

"LORD VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Merle mega-glomped the spindly prince almost to the point of death.

"AAAAUUUGGGH! Get her off of- uh, I mean, hey, Merle. I sure missed you." Van controlled himself with visible effort.

"I was so worried, Lord Van." Merle continued, still trying to kiss ass as much as possible. Van ignored her.

"Uh, yeah. That's real sweet." He turned to Allen and his crew. "I was trying to save _you_ guys, but_ I_ ended up needing you to save my ass, yet again."

"We have Hitomi to thank for that." Allen pushed Hitomi forward, who blushed.

"Oh, really?" Van looked at Hitomi with delight. "Gee, Hitomi, I really- oh, wait. It's still too early in the series for me to show any sort of affection for you. I'll just brush you aside nonchalantly, okay?"

"Sure," Hitomi agreed.

"Oh…I…see…" Van said, brushing Hitomi off nonchalantly.

"Grr! Van, you jerk!" Hitomi growled.

"Set course for Palace." Allen ordered importantly.

"Aye." The crewmen moved to carry out the order.

"What's Palace?" Hitomi asked, confused. Van, meanwhile, was having a staring contest with his sword. Merle was hacking a hairball over in a corner. Allen was brushing his hair once again. All was well with the world.

The Crusade flew off into the sunset. "Don't go, Shane…" A small little boy whimpered after. Church-bells suddenly began tolling, and the little boy looked around in fear. "Wha…? Where are those church-bells coming from? This is creepy! I want my mommy!" The little boy ran away crying.

-Episode 5 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.


	6. Episode 6: City of Retards

Author's Note: Hooray! Here's the next one. This one was really fun to write for some reason. Probably because of some new characters? Mwaha! Sorry it took so long to write (seemed like that to me, anyway), but I wrote another of my little Gaara fics before starting on this one. Have fun! Read and review!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 6

City of Retards

Recap: Van gets the crap beaten out of him, courtesy of Dilandau, and then gets hauled back to the Zaibach Floating Jellyfish where his much-hated brother Folken asks him to join the Dark Side. Hitomi, meanwhile, puts her creepy psychic powers to use and finds out where Van is being held. Allen, in a selfless show of heroism or extreme stupidity, attacks the Jellyfish with his men in an attempt to rescue Van (or impress Hitomi, I wonder which?). The rescue is a success, and Van horribly traumatizes poor Dilandau before hopping back onto the Crusade and flying off with his friends toward Palace. Here we go!

The Crusade sailed valiantly through the skies, unerring in its progress toward its destination. It was quite smug, what with the subsequent victory at the Floating Jellyfish and rescue of the Fanelian King, Van. White tufts of cloud swam around the aircraft, somewhat obscuring the vision of its passengers and just being down right annoying.

"Altitude, four thousand!" A voice rang out as one of the crewmembers studied the readouts and measurements on the confusing control panel of the ship. Allen Schezar brushed his shining hair back unconsciously and smiled.

"Okay, we've crossed the Shhhhtahl Mountains…" He was as smug as his airship.

BANG! The Crusade jerked up and rocked dangerously.

"…Okay, maybe not. _Pull up_!" Allen lost his smirk and clutched at the panel, nearly peeing his pants.

Hitomi stood nearby, staring out the window listlessly. She was so depressed, she was desperate for some Zoloft, the poor girl. She glanced nervously over at the still whimpering Allen.

"Man…now Allen is all freaked out about how creepy my psychic predictions are…" she thought to herself. "He must _hate_ me now…" Just then, Allen caught sight of Hitomi gawking at him and immediately assumed a position of unbreakable courage and determination, which included swishing his hair around and winking at her suggestively. Hitomi sweat-dropped in embarrassment. "…I guess not…"

Elsewhere on the Crusade, Merle was sniffing around in her normal, nosey fashion. Poking her head into a darkened room, she sniffed again before venturing in on her tiptoes. Her sharp cat eyes quickly caught sight of a large, white Guymelef seated before her.

"Oooh! It's the Escaflowne!" She squealed happily, knowing that the Escaflowne meant that Van was nearby. "Hey, Escaflowne!" She then proceeded to annoy the crap out of the unfortunate melef, who grumbled in frustration.

"Euurrgh…go away, kitty…" A deep voice grumbled out of thin air. Merle stopped doing her little cat-dance and pricked up her ears in surprise.

"Huh? Who said that? Was it you, Escaflowne?" Merle gawked at the looming Guymelef, who began to sweat profusely.

"…No. You're crazy. Guymelefs can't talk," the same disembodied voice rumbled. Merle pondered these strange happenings for a moment, then dismissed them with a shake of her head, as she had just caught scent of her precious Van.

Van sat brooding on the Escaflowne, in his normal pouty-king fashion. Drawing his sword enough to be able to see the emblazoned Fanelian emblem, his face contorted with emotion. He was, of course, thinking bad, hurty thoughts about his dear sweet big brother, Folken.

"Why, brother?" Van hissed angrily to no one in particular, unless the sword counted as a person. "How could you go all Goth and Vampire-like? That's just wrong, brother, _wrong_!" Merle stared sadly up at her master, who was obviously going insane.

"Oh…Lord Van…" she whimpered, "Maybe I _won't_ annoy him today…"

The Crusade scrapped past the last of the Shtahl Mountains and emerged into a deep valley that opened into a sparkling ocean. Running along the pristine blue sea was a large, sprawling city, complete with loudly squawking seagulls and huge stone monuments.

The Crusade landed gracefully onto a cliff by the mountains, touching down with the utmost delicacy. The exhausted crew emerged, grumbling and rubbing their sore backsides.

"Oh, wow!" Reeden stretched, cracking his back. "Just smell that sea air! …It smells like crap!"

"Oh, that's just Pyle," Kio said, sniffing at his stinky crewmate, who batted him away.

"Shut up, man!" Pyle snarled, insulted. "I have a _gland_ problem!"

"Suuure," the others chuckled.

"Aw, yeah, man! I'm hittin' the whore houses tonight!" Reeden crowed. The other men heartily agreed.

"Eww…" Merle glared at the crewmembers in disgust, huddling closer to Van. Hitomi also stood next to Van, clutching her magical traveling gym bag and staring at the beautiful view of the sea. "Oh, Lord Van! Isn't it pretty? Just look at it!" Merle squealed, hugging Van to her.

"Yes. It is the most pretty thing I have ever seen," Van stated blankly with no emotion. Inside, he was thinking frantically, "Gawd, girl, geddoffa me…"

"I guess it smells the same wherever you go," Hitomi observed. "…the smell of _horny cat, _that is_."_ She glared at Merle with jealous rage, who simply stuck out her tongue at the psychic girl.

"AAAAALLEEEEN!" A melodious voice sang out across the cliff face, jerking everyone from their stupor and snapping them back to the present. A young, beautiful girl riding on a buckin' bronco was making her way up to where the Crusade had docked.

"Who the hell is that?" Hitomi raised an eyebrow as the girl smiled joyously as she drew closer. Allen's owl took flight and attacked the girl without hesitation.

"Eeek!" The girl barely managed to keep her perch upon her horse and bat the screeching fowl away.

"Sorry!" Allen called from atop the cliff, feeling not a little foolish. Stupid bird. Ruined his entrance once again. Once more, and it was going to be roast owl for supper.

The girl, meanwhile, had arrived on the top of the cliff and dismounted from her valiant steed. The girl was very pretty, with long, wavy blonde hair that was tied back. She wore a prim pink blouse with black leggings.

"Oh, Allen!" She simpered, skipping up to the Knight. "I just _knew_ you'd be here! My Allen senses were going WILD so I was positive you were coming! Give me some sugar, hot stuff!" She all but threw herself onto Allen, who was happy to oblige.

"Oh dear lord…" Hitomi retched off to the side at the horrendous display of puppy love.

"Why of COURSE, baby!" Allen seized the girl's hand and kissed it dramatically. He paused. "Uh…why are you dressed like that, hunny?" He gestured to her apparel.

"I can't ride a horse in a dress, now can I?" The girl giggled. Allen pouted.

"Yeah, but now I can't see your _sweet _rack," he whined.

The crew, meanwhile, had gathered around the lovey-dovey couple and stared with the utmost fascination and horror.

"You should have sent a message!" The girl clutched Allen's hands with her own. "We could have brought out the welcome wagon!"

"Well, we were kinda in a hurry," Allen explained, "running-erk…fleeing-urm… _fighting_ Zaibach."

"Oh?" The girl finally noticed that Allen was not the only human nearby and saw everyone else for the first time. "…Who are these people?" Allen smiled and drew the girl toward the others.

"Everyone, this is Princess Millerna," Allen said, finally introducing the next major character in the series. Millerna smiled and waved. "Princess, this is Van, King of the blackened hole that used to be Fanelia." Van seemed less than flattered at Allen's introduction.

"Oh?" Millerna peered closely at Van's face. "Hey, I know you, I _slept_ with you!" She squealed, pointing at Van, whose jaw dropped open.

"What?" He squeaked out.

"WHAT!" Hitomi and Merle hollered together, glaring intently at Van, who shrunk beneath their violent gazes.

"Just kidding!" Millerna seemed to find this hilarious. "When I was young, I went to Fanelia! …It was _awful_ there! It smelled like moonshine and ass, and this annoying banjo music played twenty-four hours a day! Gawd!" She stepped closer to Van. "Fanelia reminds, er, _reminded_ me of an emerald! It has, uh, _had _such lush green forests! …They must have light up like firecrackers during the fire, I'm sure!"

"Oh, gee, thanks a lot, ho." Van mumbled to himself, seething. Millerna continued.

"The castle had a blue roof, and in the garden, you were with your brother!"

"_Oh, do you wanna die, bi_-" Merle just barely managed to Van in his place.

"Hush, Van. Be nice." Allen hissed before smiling at Millerna. "Please continue."

Flashback of Van and Folken in the Garden

A young Van hung off one of his brother's arms, whining and annoying the crap out of him. Folken gave a deep sigh and bore it.

"Folkeeeen! I cut my fiiinger! Look, I'm_ bleeeeding_! I'm gonna dieee!" Van held up a finger with a drop of crimson blood adorning it.

"Shut it, brat! That's just a scratch!" Folken huffed before noticing someone else was with them. He turned and smiled angelically toward the camera as the memory blurred.

End of Flashback

"Your brother seemed like _such_ a nice person!" Millerna tittered, winding down from her little talk about the past.

"Holy crap, someone shut this girl UP…" Hitomi thought to herself, eyeing the now frothing-at-the-mouth Van, who was five seconds away from decapitating the oblivious princess. Allen shifted uncomfortably, knowing something should be done to distract Millerna before she truly incited Van's rage.

"Look, Millerna! Whooo!" Allen yanked down his shirt enough to flash some skin from his chest. Millerna immediately whipped around, eyes wide and sparkling with delight. "Princess, I have a favor to ask."

"Oh, Allen! Just name it and I'm yours, uh, I mean, _it's_ yours!" Millerna was more than happy to oblige.

"Lord Van, what's up _your _butt?" Merle asked, giving the now lethargic and chronically depressed Van a little shake. He didn't respond.

"Princess, I think I'll go to the castle…" Allen began. Millerna brightened. "ALONE." Millerna sagged with rejection.

"Oh, alright," she whimpered. "Daddy _did_ say he had something important to discuss with you…. Let's hope it's our wedding arrangements!" Allen began inching away from the eager Princess. "Here, use my-"

"Neeeeeiigh!" Clop clop cloppity clop

"…Horse…" Millerna stared after the shrinking image of Allen riding full-throttle toward the city. "Well, I never!" Hitomi, meanwhile, was in a sour mood.

"A Knight and a Princess. _Great_. Damn fairy tales. sniffle" Hitomi thought to herself. Once Allen was out of sight, Millerna turned back to the hapless crew and slapped her hands loudly together.

"Alright! Chop, chop! Move it, brat! Go get Allen's bags!" She ordered. Hitomi blinked, then realized that Millerna was talking to her.

"_Huh_? Oh, you'd better think _twice_, sweetcheeks!" Hitomi snarled, deeply offended. Merle snickered off to the side.

""Yes, I mean you, girly! Get to work!" Millerna placed her hands on her hips in a no-nonsense posture. Van stepped forward, throwing aside his depression to help Hitomi.

"She's_ not_ a handmaiden. She's…" Van paused for dramatic effect. "With…_ME_!"

Everyone gasped, even Hitomi.

"Oh…Van…" She breathed, blushing deeply.

"NOOO! She's with _Allen_!" Merle hissed, savagely jabbing a finger at Hitomi's face.

"What?" Millerna's eyes widened as she appraised her newest competition.

"No!" Hitomi insisted, flustered. "I'm not! I…I mean…"

"Geez! What a whore!" Millerna thought to herself, then said aloud, "I saw your weird clothes and so I just assumed…you know…"

"No, I _don't_ know, bi-otch! Why don't you tell me?" Hitomi huffed, still riled up.

"That's an insult to handmaidens! Nyahahaha!" Merle shot in.

"Look! A mouse!" Hitomi cried, in a move of pure genius to get Merle off her back.

"WHERE!" Merle dove headfirst onto the ground. Everyone stared at the cat-girl who was now crawling around on all fours, searching for the non-existent mouse. Millerna decided to break the silence.

"Well. _That_ was awkward." She turned to Hitomi yet again. "We get weirdo's from everywhere, but nobody near as weird as _you_," she explained. Hitomi raised an eyebrow.

"Ha! I suppose that's true, seeing as I'm from the Messed-up Moo-AWK!" Hitomi's sentence ended in a gurgle of pain as Merle saved her ass by stomping on her foot, a mouse jutting from her mouth.

"Quiet, stupid!" She mumbled around the mouse. Hitomi winced and complied.

"Huh? Mooawk? Never heard of the place." Millerna said, confused. "Oh well. Let's go find Allen."

-At the King's Palace-

Allen Schezar knelt grandly in the great hall before the King of Austuria, who was seated on a large raised throne, bedecked in voluminous purple robes and a fluffy blue hat with a feather. Surrounding him were colorful curtains, prissy looking soldiers, and a long, purple rug.

"Those Zaibach jerks totally dissed us homeboys," Allen was explaining to the king, "and they even capped a couple of my homies! Ya dig? And now they're gonna do a drive-by on you! Your ass, as in Ass-turia, is next, brutha!" Allen finished by thumping his chest with a fist and making a peace sign. King Aston looked less than amused.

"Allen Schezar…" the elderly King began in a deep, gruff voice, "you've already screwed up your _own_ castle enough, and now you're going to screw up _mine_?"

"Huh?" Allen gaped in astonishment.

"It was one crappy little post!" King Aston growled. "We're not going to fight with Zaibach over such a stupid thing!"

"But," Allen protested, "chivalry demanded that we protect that dumb kid, Van (and his lovely psychic companion), the King of Fanelia, whose country was destroyed_ by_ Zaibach!"

"Where's your proof?" A voice spoke from the shadows. Appearing out of the darkened corner, Folken succeeded in scaring the crap out of everyone in the room.

"NYAAAUGH!"

"What?" Folken asked, annoyed. King Aston was clutching his chest as his heart threatened to give out on him. Allen was also trying to recover.

"Proof? You want proof? How about all the graffiti and signatures left by _your_ Zaibach soldiers all over my destroyed castle, hmm?" Allen stated confidently. Folken stared at him blankly for several seconds before reaching into his cape and pulling out a walkie-talkie. He held a red button down and spoke into it.

"Destroy those ruins." Immediately after Folken's order, a ground-shaking BOOM! could be heard from the other end of the radio. Folken, satisfied, clicked it off and replaced it into his cape. He turned to Allen with a smug grin. "I repeat – where is your proof?"

"Grr!" Allen ground his teeth in fury. Now there wouldn't even be the shattered remains of his lovely castle to weep over.

"You see? You must be mental, Allen Schezar." Folken lifted his arms and shook his head sadly.

"Who the heck are you?" Allen asked vehemently.

"This is Folken Stratego," King Aston butted in. "And he's my new bi-otch. He's got his own job and everything! He'll be sooo much better to me than you ever were. He's from Zaibach."

"_What_!" Allen jumped up in anger. King Aston's new bi-otch was from _Zaibach_? The nerve! Then what was Allen now, chopped liver? Folken flashed Allen an evil smirk that would have made Dilandau proud had he been there to witness it. "Zaibach _already_ has the King in their pocket…" Allen mused to himself. Folken turned back to address the king.

"King Aston, are you aware that Fanelia launched a sneak attack against us?" He asked, pointing an accusing finger at the Knight, who gasped.

"Say what? You…you lie!" Allen sputtered, trying to keep himself under control.

"Look, just hand over the loser King of Fanelia and the Escaflowne, and maybe I've 'forget' that it happened, alright?" Folken continued.

"You swine!" Allen, while normally quite slow, caught on easily to the blackmail Folken was forcing him into.

"What do you say, Allen Schezar?" Folken finished.

"I say kiss my-" Allen began.

"Oh, Kingyyy!" Folken sang and looked over at King Aston. "_You_ agree with me, don't you?" He asked sweetly. King Aston jumped in surprise and cleared his throat.

"Uh…no?" He asked, unsure. Folken frowned.

"You're supposed to say 'yes', idiot!" He whispered fiercely. The King blinked.

"Oh. Yeah. I meant, yes, of course I agree with you!"

"_Excellent_!" Folken chuckled ominously.

"Allen," King Aston addressed, "if you truly love Austuria-"

"I DON'T. Not anymore, the cheating little whore…" Allen cut it bitterly.

"If you truly love Austuria," the King repeated, "you will turn over the loser King of Fanelia and his Guymelef at once. Chivalry alone can't protect a country, Allen." The tone of his voice proclaimed the conversation over.

"Grrrk!" Allen bit his lip savagely to keep himself from spewing profanities, adopting an expression that resembled someone trying to hold in a fart.

-Back with Hitomi-

Millerna, Van, and Merle sat around a table laden with food in a pretty pink room of Millerna's. The Princess had swapped her 'tomboyish' duds for a more feminine poofy dress. She looked up at the sound of someone entering.

"Woo! Lookin' sexy, sister!" She whistled at Hitomi, who walked nervously in. She was clad in a dress with a soft pink top, white skirt, and gloves. She looked very nice in it. "That dress looks great!" Millerna complimented.

"Hey!" Hitomi picked up on the insult in a second.

"Er…on_ you_, of course," Millerna grudgingly said.

"You look good enough to be a handmaiden!" Merle cackled, slapping the tabletop. Hitomi shot her a nasty glare.

"Quit tickin' me off!" She barked back. "You only _wish_ your ass looked as sweet as mine right now!" Van couldn't agree with Hitomi more. He had spent the last few moments with his eyes glued to the psychic girl.

"Sweet Jesus! So…_friggin_'…HOT!" He thought to himself.

"Fighting isn't very ladylike- Oomph!" Merle's jibe was cut short by Van placing a hand atop her head.

"Shut up, Merle. Hitomi is talking." Van said bleakly, still staring at her. Hitomi blushed and turned to Millerna.

"This dress is so pretty! Are you sure you don't mind?" She asked sheepishly. Millerna waved a hand.

"If someone saw you in those weird clothes, Allen's dignity might be called into question!" She laughed. Hitomi pouted.

"Gee, what about _my_ dignity?" She thought to herself in a huff. "That witch! It's like she's going out of her way to insult me!" A young handmaiden appeared behind Hitomi, holding her cast off school uniform. She began to move away. "Hey! Where are you going with my clothes, lady?" Hitomi yelped, running up to her. The handmaiden stopped.

"Oh? We are going to burn these disgusting rags, of course!"

"No! You can't!" Hitomi leapt forward and ripped her clothes out of the woman's arms. "Gimme them back!"

"What's the matter?" Millerna asked, confused at the strange girl's antics. "I can give you as many sets of clothes you want."

"These clothes have sentimental value!" Hitomi shook her head back and forth. "Plus, I think I left some cash in one of these pockets…"

"Damn!" Van cursed mentally, disappointed. "Me want more hot dresses!"

"Huh. I get the feeling there's a long story behind this…" Millerna murmured softly. "And I also get the feeling that I _don't_ want to hear it!"

"Why you!" Hitomi had almost had enough with this Princess.

"Lady Millerna!" Another handmaiden walked in and stopped Hitomi in her tracks, inadvertently saving Millerna's ass from a whuppin'. The maid carried a tray with a small piece of paper on it. "This is from Lord Allen."

"Well why didn't you SAY so!" Millerna shot up like a rocket. She leapt at the maid, slapped her soundly, and snatched the note off the tray all within five seconds (that's got to be a record!). She peered at it intently.

"It says, 'Please go down to the Bazaar without me.' Oh! That jerk!" Millerna sniffed in annoyance. "Men! Why can't they ever keep their word?"

"Uh, hello? I'm right here." Van growled.

"Oh, but you're not a _man_, you're a _boy_." Millerna stressed, shaking a finger at him. Van made a face at her. "Well, we'll get bored waiting for him. Let's go, everyone! Wheeeee!" She jumped up and ran for the door.

"Wow. She's _almost_ as weird as you." Merle whispered, more than a little freaked out.

"Shut up." Hitomi hissed without much intensity, as she was also disturbed.

"Hitomi."

"Wha- AAUUGGHHH!" Hitomi turned to see who was addressing her and was promptly smashed in the face with her magical traveling gym bag. "What the hell was _that _for?" She asked from her new position on the floor. Van shrugged.

"Hey, it's not _my_ fault you can't catch. Just keep it with you, because there's no telling _what might happen_." Van stared intently at Hitomi, as if trying to get her to understand something. Hitomi shook her head, confused.

"What the heck? How would you know-" Van cut Hitomi's sentence short by clapping his hand over her mouth. He leaned in uncomfortably close, narrowing his eyes and casting suspicious glances around the room.

"Shhh!" He whispered, holding up a finger. "They're _watching_!" Hitomi's eyes widened as all the pieces clicked into place.

"Mm. Mmmphph." She mumbled into Van's hand. Translation: "Oh. 'Unseen forces'."

-Back at the Crusade-

Back on the cliff where our adventurers had landed, the Crusade sat patiently awaiting its master. Allen's men also waited. A voice could be heard.

"A little more to the left…the _left_, I said! Wait…good! Right there!" The camera switched to Reeden scratching Gaddess' back. "That's the spot right there!"

"Uh…sir? Shouldn't we be covering the Escaflowne with something?" One of the other men questioned. Gaddess looked over his shoulder at the man.

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Just cover it with that big brown tarp thing. No one will be able to tell it's the Escaflowne." He gestured to a big brown tarp thing bunched in a ball on the ground.

"Genius, sir!" The man moved to obey.

"C'mon. It's time to eat." Gaddess stood up and strode over to the tables piled with food. Several Knights had already taken the liberty of serving themselves and were shoveling the food in.

"Oops." Kio noticed their second-in-command approaching and hurriedly lowered his place. "Uh, hey, Serge. Sorry, but we started without you." He grinned sheepishly.

"Oh, don't worry, that's…" Gaddess began. The men smiled in relief. "HORRIBLE!" Gaddess exploded. "How can you live with yourselves? No dinner for a week for all of you!"

"Noooo!" The men howled in dismay. Just then, Austurian soldiers decked in prissy hats with feathers, shining armor, and other silly attire charged in and surrounded the company. Allen's men stared at them seriously for several moments, then collapsed in a fit of giggles.

"What is so funny?" The leader of the Austurian soldier asked dangerously. Gaddess had to wipe tears out of his eyes before replying.

"I…I'm sorry…but…you're _poofy hat_ and _feather_…you…look so friggin' _gay_…. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" He clutched his sides in mirth and doubled over. The prissy soldiers seemed to find this less than amusing.

"Hey, what do these pretty boys want?" Reeden had stopped laughing long enough to realize something wasn't right. "They're the Royal Guard!" Gaddess also caught on.

"Yeah, you're right. Hey! What do you think you're doing?" Gaddess asked in shock as the soldiers surrounding them drew their swords threateningly. The leader of the soldiers waltzed over to a taut rope and cut through it with one slash. A large, brown tarp thing fell to reveal…

"EEK!" Several of Allen's men had been changing behind the tarp and desperately tried to cover themselves, red with embarrassment.

"Awwgh! Gross!" Several of the Austurian soldiers lost their lunch as the semi-naked men scrambled away. The leader walked to another taut rope and tried again, slicing at it with his blade. The large, brown tarp thing fell to reveal…

The Escaflowne! It seems he got it right this time! The leader smirked.

"So, this is the Fanelian Guymelef Escaflowne? Pretty ugly if you ask me."

"Hey!" The Escaflowne protested. Everyone jumped in surprise.

"Who the hell said that?" The Austurian leader looked to and fro. He shrugged when no one answered. Apparently, Escaflowne had decided to keep his mouth shut. "Anyway, by the order of King Aston, you must turn over this Guymelef. But since we're meanies, we're just gonna _take_ it. Haha!" He snickered evily.

"You bastards!" Reeden cried, incensed. "Serge, what do we do!"

"Hmm…" Gaddess stared blankly. "_I…DON'T…KNOW_."

"What else is new?" Someone mumbled in the background.

-At the Bazaar-

On a large street by a canal, the festive Bazaar was set up. There were many booths filled with useless crap and junk that was found all over the world. Hawkers cried their wares and generally annoyed all the customers to the point of insanity. For sale, there were smelly fish, freaky masks, fruits and vegetables – you name it, it was there.

Millerna smiled at the bewildered Hitomi as she gawked every which way in wonder. "So, what do you think? Exciting, isn't it?"

"'Exciting' isn't really the word I was thinking of…" Hitomi grumbled, stepping over yet another pile of stinking _something_. Strange men had shoved smelly foods at her three times already, and getting sprayed in the face with perfume five times before didn't help any. Now she smelled like a cheap whore.

"Mmm. Hitomi smells good." Van thought to himself, sniffing delicately at the air around her. Hitomi was too busy bashing Millerna to notice.

"By the way, nice habit. You look like a nun. Albeit a very flirtatious one." Hitomi regarded Millerna's funny hat.

"Why, thank you!" Millerna was clueless, as usual.

Hitomi gasped as a shadow loomed over her. She jerked her head upward to see…

"_OhsweetJesusonapogostickwhattheheckisthat_!" Hitomi threw herself back with a shriek. A strange man stood before her. The man was strange because in place of his head was a _dolphin_'s. Hey, I'd scream too, if I saw that. Pretty freaky.

"Excoose mee, Meess." The Dolphin-man squeaked politely, sidestepping the traumatized girl and ambling away. Hitomi gaped after it, speechless.

"For someone from the Messed-up Moon, you sure scare easily enough!" Merle snickered behind her hand. Hitomi snapped her mouth shut and glared at the cat-brat.

"Sh-shut up! That was just NOT right! I mean, he had a freakin' dolphin head, man! A dolphin! I can't even-GAWWWK!" Hitomi leapt away in fright as a man with a head of a hawk strode by. "Dammit, not another one!"

Van glanced over his shoulder at the two girls. "What the heck are you two doin' back there?" He demanded. "Move it, already! Geez! ...Huh?" Van looked forward again and something caught his eye. On a faraway bridge, two soldiers were conversing. "Those are Zaibach soldiers! …They have no identifying armor or insignia's, but my butt-hole senses are goin' nuts! They've GOT to be Zaibach soldiers!" Suddenly, the two men jumped and saluted as a familiar Vampire-like figure approached and passed by. "It's my dumb ass brother!"

"What's the matter, Van?" Millerna had noticed Van glaring into the distance and got curious. She leaned in close to see what he was looking at.

"Can it, toots!" Van shoved a hand in Millerna's face and took off through the crowd. "Outta my way, butt-heads!" He began throwing people out of his way, sometimes even knocking them into the nearby canal. Millerna stared after him, confounded.

"W…what the heck just happened here?" She asked.

Hitomi, meanwhile, had stopped at a particular booth to see what they had for sale. On the table were various shiny trinkets, bracelets, and little boxes. The store owner, a furry-headed beast-man not unlike Ruhm (the wagon-man, remember him? Of course you do), was trying to get Hitomi to buy one of his wares.

"Hey, little Miss! See anything you like? Feel free to buy anything! See this little pot here?" The beast-man held up a small decorative pot. "You can keep your weed in here!"

"Uh…no thanks…" If weed was anything like getting visions, Hitomi had gotten plenty high already. "How about something else?" The beast-man paused for a second.

"You sure? This little box here is also good for puttin' your wee-"

"Hey! Where did you find this!" Hitomi interrupted the beast-man and snatched an item off his table. It was a CD, y'know, like the ones that go in CD Players nowadays.

"Oh, that? Pretty, isn't it? It'll look great on you, sweetie!" The beast-man was desperate for a sale. Hitomi rifled in her magical traveling gym bag and pulled out her CD Player, opened it, and popped the CD in.

"Dude…this has GOT to mean that other people from Earth have been here. I wonder what they were like…hunh?" Hitomi had pressed play and her ears were assaulted with the most horrible chords and vocalizations. "Euugh! Backstreet Boys? Man, did _these_ people have bad taste…" She sighed and, closing her eyes, began to reminisce about her life back home. An image of Yukari parked on a bench appeared. "Yukari…" Hitomi whimpered. Next was a picture of Amano, still sweating buckets after a mad dash and brushing his hair. "Amano…" After Amano came a vision of Van, being violently killed by a bolt of lightning. "Van…dying…wait, WHAT!" Hitomi's eyes snapped open. "Oh, crap! That's bad!"

"Woah. What's up with her?" Millerna whispered to Merle as the two gave Hitomi a strange stare.

"Ugh. She's always like this." Merle whispered back. Hitomi whirled around.

"Where's Van!" She demanded. Millerna blinked in surprise before responding.

"He…went towards the Harbor. He seemed kind of pissed off about something." Hitomi was already streaking off into the distance, in search of Van. "Uh…that's the wrong way…" Hitomi was too far away to hear.

"Hey! What's wrong? Wait for me, you dirty ho!" Merle sprinted after the frantic psychic girl, leaving Millerna all by her lonesome.

"Oh, _fine_! Everyone just _leave_ me, I don't care!" Millerna sniffled. "Freaking weirdoes!"

-With Van-

Van sprinted after Folken, who had just disappeared behind yet another corner. He had been following his elusive brother for several minutes now, through dark alleyways and back streets. Huffing and puffing, Van came to a stunning realization while pursuing.

"Hot damn, I'm out of shape!" Van wheezed to himself, desperately trying to catch his breath and keep up with Folken at the same time. "Maybe Hitomi can help coach me with that track stuff…" Van continued stumbling after Folken until the dark street he'd been running through opened into a sunlit moat surrounded by squawking seagulls with a fancy little bridge. "Cannot…breath…wha?" Van stopped short and looked up into the sky. A large, colossal structure floated in the sky next to the faraway mountains. It vaguely resembled a jellyfish. "That's…a Zaibach Floating Jellyfish!" Van observed expertly.

"Wow! Great deduction, Sherlock!" A random seagull shrieked out.

"Who the hell said that?" Van demanded, having already gone through this before with a stupid rabbit.

"Umm…caw! Caw!" Was his only reply.

"Damn, I hate animals…" Van grumbled to himself, then shook his head and faced his brother.

Folken had crossed the bridge and now stood on a small dirt road. A horse-drawn carriage pulled near and it was apparently his ride. It seemed that the carriage, however, was going a little fast…

"Wha…hey! HEY! Slow down, you're gonna hit m- GWAAAGGH!" The horse-drawn carriage hit poor Folken head on.

-Take 2-

The horse-drawn carriage stopped a short distance away from the now bandage-clad Folken, who sported a sling for his one real arm and a splint for his leg. Other bandages were wrapped around various other body parts. The driver of the carriage cleared his throat nervously.

"Er…I'm here to take you back, Lord Folken." He coughed.

"Remind me to kill you later." Folken said coldly. And he was dead serious, too.

"Brother!" Van ran out onto the fancy little bridge and stopped halfway, not wanting to get too close in case the carriage went for him next. Folken turned around and regarded his brother with an intense gaze.

"Hey, Van," he greeted. "Are you ready to leave your little loser friends and come with me?"

"No way, Jose!" Van retorted.

-Onboard the Floating Jellyfish-

In a dark, dreary room somewhere onboard the Vione (that's the Floating Jellyfish's name), Dilandau sat, slowly going insane. He pawed at his wounded cheek and mumbled to himself.

"Why does it hurt so freaking much?" He hissed quietly to himself, fingering his cheek. "Maybe if I touch it some more, it won't hurt as much." Gatti, who was nearby, shifted uncomfortably.

"Umm, sir?" He asked meekly. "I think you mean if you _don't _touch it some more, it won't hurt as much." Dilandau's eyes snapped up and latched onto the hapless Dragonslayer.

"Wha…why does your voice keep _changing?_ I thought you were done puberty already! Gawd, you're freakin' me out!" Dilandau landed a hard right hook smack-dab on poor Gatti's jaw. He reeled but somehow kept his footing. Dilandau seized him by his jacket and pulled him close. "So, you understand the pain I'm going through, do you?" He spat into his subordinates face.

"Uh…I kinda do _now_, sir…" Gatti managed weakly. Dilandau's face contorted in fury.

"Shut up!" He hurled Gatti across the room, where he landed on the floor in a heap. "He cut my face, okay! It wouldn't be as bad if it was my arm or leg, but it's my friggin' _face_, man!"

"Lord Dilandau?"

"WHAT! Can't you see I'm drowning in hatred and loathing right now?" Dilandau barked. Chesta flinched unconsciously.

"F-Folken, he…"

-Back With Van-

"Lord Dilandau! Did you see what they did to me?" Chesta chocked back a sob. "They cut me off! Those meanies!"

"Yeah, and right before you told me something that would spoil the story, too!" Dilandau vehemently cried. "Bastards! I dare you to try it again! You won't get away with this!" He shook his fist angrily.

-Back With Van, I'm Friggin' Serious This Time-

"Why are you working for Zaibach, brother?" Van asked. "Why can't you work at McDonald's, or, Heaven help us, Wal-Mart?"

"Folken of Fanelia is_ dead_." Folken responded somberly. Van's face screwed up in confusion.

"Hunh? But…you're right here in front of-" Van began.

"I didn't mean it _literally_, moron!" Folken cut him off. He sighed and tried again. "On that day, the day the Dragon ripped of _this_ arm…" He held up his mechanical arm.

"But you_ have _that arm right there-"

"I meant the one I had _before_ this one, my _real_ one!" Folken barked. Van blinked.

"Oh. Please continue."

"…I _died_."

"Okay, we've already been _through_ this, like I said before, you-" Van was being troublesome today, or just stupid. Mostly stupid.

"Will you just shut up and _listen_!" Folken raged. "I don't get a lot of screen time, so when I _do_ appear, I have to milk it for all it's worth! It drives the ladies wild!" Folken winked at the camera and mouthed 'call me.'

"Are you gonna tell the story or not?" Van asked, crossing his arms impatiently. Folken relented and began again.

"It was Emperor Dornkirk who gave me life again. He taught me how to live, how to lov- what the hell am I saying?" Folken stopped, disgusted with himself. "Dear Lord, I sound cheesy!"

-Back With Hitomi-

Hitomi sprinted through the crowded streets, searching high and low for a spindly-legged young man with dark hair (Van, if you didn't know). She forcefully pushed her way through the throngs of people, but in vain. Where the heck was he? Hitomi stopped to better her sense of direction (not like she knew where she was going, anyway). Her momentary pause allowed Merle to catch up.

"Hey! What's wrong?" Merle panted, halting beside her. Hitomi gave her a wry look.

"What do you _think_ is wrong?" She said sarcastically. "I had another bad vision!"

"Knock it off, already!" Merle whined. "You're just trying to get attention, as usual!" Hitomi, ignoring her, seized a man passing by in a vice-like grip.

"You! Tell me where the Harbor is or I'll punch you in the face!" She threatened. The man gulped and thought hurriedly.

"Uhh…it's…back over that way…" He pointed off to the left. Hitomi waited for a moment, perhaps absorbing the information, then slugged the poor man in the face anyway before streaking off in the direction he'd indicated.

"Geez, Hitomi!" Merle dashed after. "…I would kicked him in the nuts!"

-Aaaand We're Back on the Floating Jellyfish-

Chesta ran along an iron catwalk, trying to keep in pace with Dilandau, who marched forward in his crimson Oreades. Apparently, Dilandau was up to no good, yet again.

"Lord Dilandau!" Chesta managed to pant out between breaths. "Stop! Wait! Lord Folken ordered us not to leave the anchorage! He will be most angry!"

" 'Most angry?' Are you freakin' kidding me? What are you, a Knights page or something?" Dilandau chortled. "It's believable, what with your HAIR like that and- Damn, I'm getting off track! Just keep quiet!" Dilandau turned toward the Hangar doors, chuckling ominously. "Who said anything about leaving the Vione?"

Dilandau's Guymelef's shoulders began glowing brightly as the Hangar doors slid open slowly. The Guymelef crouched in front of the now open doorway. "Gawd, I love loopholes. Y…y'see? This is what I was talking about, way back in one of the earlier episode- Aw, forget it. Killing time!"

Dilandau manipulated his Guymelef into lifting its arm. A magnifying scope slid into place over Dilandau's eye, acting as his aiming device. An image of Van appeared in the scope. "Wait…how the hell did I know where that loser was? He could have been _anywhere_ in the whole stupid city, yet I find him in like, three seconds? Anyone else find that disturbing?" Dilandau paused and looked around. "…Anyone? …No? Okay, time to die." Hm…can you say 'Unseen Forces?'

The scope magnified Van's image until he was life-size. "Gawd, Van needs to wash his hair!" Dilandau made a face. "And get a trim! Look at all those split ends! Gross!" A Crima Claw peeked out of the Guymelef's appendage, ready to strike.

-Back to the Dysfunctional Brothers-

"Van, you are my brother. We share the same blood," declared Folken. Van rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I sure _hope_ so, otherwise our momma was a cheatin' whore!"

"Quiet!" Folken barked, then forced his blood pressure to return to normal. "I can see in your heart. This world is difficult to bear, especially for a total wuss like you."

"I am not!" Van protested, barely managing to hold back tears.

"Everyone's killing each other! Fighting is all everyone can do nowadays! Wars! Violence! Suffering! What's the _deal_?" Folken continued with his whole 'Humanity Sucks' speech.

"Yeah, but stupid Zaibach started it!" Van shot in. Folken frowned.

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"Did NOT!"

"Did TO!"

"Did not to infinity!"

"Dammit!" Van had lost yet another bout of arguing with his brother.

"Anyway, Zaibach fought to _stop_ the fighting, to bring a new world order!" Folken continued, not losing a beat.

"Okay, that's just re_tarded!_" Van shook his head.

"Van!" Folken spread his arms wide. "Come with me now! Come with me so we can create a new world!" Van stared, speechless. A seagull swooped by and gave Folken a little 'present' on his violet cloak. "AWGH! Nasty! You damn bird, you ruined the mood!" Folken griped, vainly trying to clean the bird crap off himself.

"Ewww…" Van was glad it wasn't him who'd gotten pooed on.

-With Hitomi Now!-

Hitomi sprinted through back alleyways and shadowed streets in hot pursuit of Van. "Damn! I've gotta hurry!" She huffed to herself, turning another corner. "You would think I would get there in, like, ten seconds, considering how I'm part of the Track team and have gotten _plenty_ of practice since I left! But…nope! I guess not!"

-Alright, There Are a Bunch of Scene Changes From This Point, So I'll Just Stop Putting These 'Scene Change' Title-thingies, Okay? Okay-

On board the Vione, the Oreade's shoulder-gems began glowing strangely. Chesta gasped aloud.

"Ooh! Pretty lights!" Chesta shook his head to clear it. "No! Stop it! Lord Dilandau's putting his energist on maximum to shoot out a Crima Claw?" Chesta paused and looked at the camera. "…That was for the audience, so they know what the hell he's doing."

"Say goodnight, Van!" Dilandau cackled, pressing a button down and shooting out a deadly Crima Claw from his Guymelef's upraised hand. The silver weapon began its journey for Van's vulnerable head.

Hitomi had had enough with her stupid dress. It got in the way when she ran, tangling her legs and almost causing her to trip. Also, she just wanted to rip it up because it was Millerna's.

"Oopsies!" She sang without remorse as she viciously ripped the dress at thigh-length, giving her legs room to move more freely. She tossed the scrap of fragment behind her. Merle gasped as it passed by her as she ran.

"What're you _doing_, girl? _Stripping_!" She yipped. Hitomi paid her no attention.

"Hold this, kitty cat!" Hitomi flung her magical traveling gym bag back to the cat-girl, who met the same fate as Hitomi had when Van previously threw it at her. In others words…

"My _face_!" Merle shrieked as the magical traveling gym bag made contact and dragged her down.

"Hahahahaha! Yesss!" Dilandau was in bliss as he watched his lovely Crima Claw draw closer to his target. "Go forth! Kill Van! Nyahahaha!"

"Whew! This is a lot easier now!" Hitomi was able to run at top speeds that would have made Yukari proud. "Now I can run like the wind AND look mighty fine at the same time! Damn, I'm a genius!"

The Crima Claw struck a seagull as it closed in on its prey. "GAWK! Someone call PETA!" The bird squawked as it died. Hmm…seems that bird was the one who'd shouted at Van earlier, eh? And probably the one who crapped on Folken, too. Stupid bird. It really had it coming.

Van stood there, still staring at his brother, oblivious to the approaching danger.

"Vaaaaaan!" Hitomi bolted out of the alleyway and finally spotted the boy-King. Van looked in up surprise.

"Huh? Hitomi? What are you- _Ohmygoshlookitthemlegs_! _Daaaamn_, girl!" Van's jaw dropped open as Hitomi ran closer.

"Watch out!" Hitomi tackled Van, much to his delight ("Oh thank you, God!"), and the Crima Claw met only air. It speared the place Van had previously been occupying and bit deep into the bridge.

"WHAT! UUUUUURGH!" Dilandau gnashed his teeth in fury. "Who the HELL was that girl! …She had some damn nice legs, though…"

"Lord Dilandau!" Chesta's voice jerked his Master back to reality. The crimson Guymelef was now, indeed, crimson with _overheating_. Dilandau gasped and instinctively pulled away as hot liquids bubbled around his head. An arm fell off the Guymelef and would have surely crushed Chesta if he'd been slower. "I don't get paid enough for this!" He lamented as the rest of the Guymelef followed after, with a hatch in its torso opening and Dilandau jumping out to safety. "Lord Dilandau! Are you okay?" Chesta ran up to his Master and inspected him for injuries.

"That girl…" Dilandau hissed, seething with hatred. "I'll remember you…"

Hitomi lay on Van, trying to catch her breath after her long run through the city. Van was quite content to stay like that.

"Oh please don't ever let this end…" he whispered to himself. Hitomi was finally breathing normally and so pushed herself up.

"You okay, Van?" She asked weakly.

"Uh…no? I think you should…lay on me some more." Van mumbled, face down.

SMACK!

"Get up and stop acting like Allen!" Hitomi snorted, getting up. Van sighed and complied.

"Fine," said Van, with his trademark pout.

"I can't believe I made it…" Hitomi breathed, wiping her forehead.

"Yeah, me either." The two stared at each other for several seconds.

" 'Unseen Forces.'" They both said at the same time. Figures, huh?

"Dilandau, you brat!" Folken ground his teeth in frustration and glared at the Floating Jellyfish. "I almost had him!" Van looked at his brother.

"I see! So this is how Zaibach operates, huh?" Van sneered in distaste. "They ask you if you want to join, but if you say no, they stab you in the face with a Crima Claw?"

"That was _not_ my intent," Folken said testily.

"Oh, suuuure it wasn't!" Van didn't believe it for a second.

Hitomi was staring at Folken throughout the sibling's verbal warfare. "Oh, hey. That's Van's big brother. That weird Goth guy."

"Lord Van!"

"Aww, dang it! She ruins everything!" Van thought to himself as Merle came sprinting up. She immediately leapt upon her favorite boy/scratching post.

"I was so worried about you!" She squealed, hugging Van so hard his ribs creaked. She stopped to glare at Hitomi. "This girl here says the weirdest things!"

"You brat!" Hitomi lurched toward Merle, but stopped short as Austurian soldiers (y'know, the prissy ones with gay hats and armor) suddenly appeared and surrounded the three young people. One of them stepped forward.

"Greetings, Van Fanel, King of the crap-hole Fanelia. King Aston wishes to see you," he declared in a loud voice.

"Oh, I bet he does…" Merle growled to herself, eyeing the strangers. Folken, meanwhile, had entered the carriage and it began rattling away down the road. Van cast it one last sad glance before turning away.

"So, please come with us." The prissy soldier gestured for them to follow.

-Several Hours Later-

A blood-red sunset lit the sky as the sun began its retreat behind the mountains. In a large stone coliseum, Escaflowne stood grandly in the center, sword drawn and ready. Van, seated inside with the hatch open, was listening to what King Aston, who languished in a throne on a nearby balcony, had to say.

"Welcome, King Van!" King Aston smiled broadly. "I welcome you with all my heart! As proof of our friendship, we're gonna make you fight to your death here in this coliseum, ripped asunder by various foes! No need to thank us, it's _our_ pleasure! Enjoy!"

"What?" Hitomi had a hard time believing the Kings claim. "Is this guy for real? Does Van really have to fight?" She looked up at Allen, who had finally rejoined the girls. Merle and Millerna also stood nearby on an outcropping overlooking the battle arena.

"Don't worry," Millerna said in a calm voice. "I…_think_ everything's okay." Enormous doors on the coliseum walls creaked open, revealing a dirty brown Guymelef armed with a flail and chains. "Oh bleep. He's screwed."

"Hey! That's Sadgima's crappy Guymelef!" Allen cried, recognizing the strange melef. "He's a lowlife bounty hunter! What's going on here?"

Van seated himself into the cockpit as the Escaflowne's hatch snapped shut. He peered out of the slits in his visor as the other Guymelef stepped forward onto the sandy floor of the arena.

"Why is my heart pounding?" Hitomi thought to herself, squirming uncomfortably. She unconsciously shoved Allen away from her. "Oh. That's why. But I _still_ have a bad feeling about this, though."

A dark man with a black mustache and fez cap gasped in awe at the pristine white Guymelef. "Oh! An Ispano Guymelef! _Sweeeet_! I can't wait to see it fight!" He said to King Aston, who was seated next to him. The King chuckled confidently.

"Don't worry, you'll be satisfied."

"It sets my Merchant's blood a boil," the man continued, still gazing dreamily at the Escaflowne. "But…you can't tell how much a Guymelef is worth until you see it in action! …Kinda like a whore, huh?"

"Shut up! This fanfic is supposed to be rated T for Teen! Clean it up!" King Aston hissed, elbowing his companion in the ribs.

"Sorry," said the man, turning red and rubbing his aching side. "Ahem So! Why is it fighting criminals? Shouldn't it be fighting Allen Schezar, instead?"

"You kiddin' me?" King Aston snorted loudly. "_That_ pansy? Yeah, right. Just watch the damn fight."

As Van regarded his foe, he blinked in surprise as several other doors in the walls began opening, also. From the darkened doorways emerged two new enemy melefs, a green one with a sharp lance, and a red one holding twin swords. Uh, oh…

"Oh, no!" Hitomi saw the same vision she'd seen earlier – Van getting struck by lightning. "I have to save his ass _again_? Dammit, boy! Gimme a break already!"

Van shifted inside the Escaflowne, readying himself for the tough battle to come. "Proof of friendship, my ass," he grumbled to himself. "I _so_ need a better agent. Maybe I'll try Hitomi's…."

-Episode 6 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: I don't know if you guys got the part about Gaddess getting' his back scratched. In the anime, you see the Crusade and hear Gaddess giving directions for the men covering Escaflowne with a tarp. While I was watching it, I laughed aloud as I thought of Gaddess getting his back scratched instead. Sorry if I confused anyone.


	7. Episode 7: Thankful Partings

Author's Note: Yup, yup. Here's the next one. Wow, these fics take a lot of time to write. They just keep getting longer and longer, huh? This one is almost twenty pages long. For some strange reason, I thought it would be easier…oh well. I'll still try my best. Hope you enjoy it! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 7

Unexpected (But Thankful) Partings

Recap: Allen brings Van and Hitomi to Palace, where they meet the spoiled Princess, Millerna. She and Hitomi hit it off rather well, as in they want to hit each _other_. Allen is dissed by the King, whilst Hitomi and Van accompany Millerna to the smelly Bazaar. There, Van sees Dracu- er, _Folken_, and charges after him before he turns into a bat and flies away. Hitomi, with yet another vision, runs after Van to warn him. Van and Folken have a little chat as Dilandau attempts to pierce Van's ear from the Floating Jellyfish. Hitomi arrives just in time to once again save Van and give him another reason to develop a relationship with her in later episodes. Now, Van is engaged in Mortal Kombat with several other Guymelefs in the Coliseum, thanks to the King. Start time is now!

Van stood stoically in the center of the grand Coliseum of Palace, warily eyeing his formidable opponents. Each held a devious weapon at the ready and were poised to strike at any given time. The three foes had the boy-king surrounded in a rough triangle, blocking all possible routes for escape. Van had a nagging suspicion that something was wrong. Call it ESPN or psychic creepiness or _whatever_, but Van was quite sure something was _not_ right with the situation.

"Well no freakin' _duh_, Sherlock!" A mouse piped up at the towering Escaflowne, voice thick with disgust. "Anyone with _eyes_ could see-"

Van promptly stepped on the mouse and silenced its little tirade. How he hated those damned annoying talking animals.

The dirty brown Guymelef began swinging its flail in preparation, while the green melef armed with a lance and the red one holding swords began inching toward their prey.

"Fightin' a kid?" The owner of the brown enemy melef grunted, chewing on a long needle held in his mouth. "This'll be easy money!"

"Yeah!" Another one barked out a laugh. He grinned widely, showing off his large teeth and tattoos. "It'll be _almost_ as easy as beating that loser Allen!" The other two chuckled in agreement. Van managed to choke back his laughter, but barely.

"Hey!" Allen gasped at that last remark. "Shut up! I _am_ a good fighter! Momma said I was!" He burst into tears and was held close by Millerna, who was all too eager to give him a shoulder to cry on.

"Remember," the tattooed man spoke again, "whoever nails him gets half the bounty, and I am _getting_ that Malibu Barbie if it's the last thing-" The ruffian noticed the other two Guymelefs staring strangely at him. "Er…uh…I mean, I'm gettin' me some whores and booze! Bleep yeah!"

"Bleep yeah!" The last criminal cheered along, head-banging his crazy hair-do up and down. "Okay! Let's go!"

"Oh…Lord Van…" Merle squirmed in anguish, obviously anxious for her precious master. "…You should have saved that mouse for me…" …Or not.

"Chaaarge!" The brown Guymelef leapt forward toward the pure white opponent, while the other two followed suit. Van, however, was ready for the onslaught. As the sword-holding melef closed in, Van neatly disarmed it, tossing its sword high into the air while driving his blade deep into the other's energist. One down, two to go! Next to try was the flail-melef. Van blocked its first blow, then in a move somewhat like a B-rank martial arts film, thrust his hand into the energist, thoroughly destroying it.

"Hoooo-daaaaah!" Van couldn't help but vocalize as he pulled off the move. The red Guymelef dropped like a stone. "I'm not even tryin', suckahs!" Van crowed. The last enemy melef unit standing, the green one, attacked Van with its lance, but was just as easily defeated.

"Dammit…" the pilot gurgled out. "Who woulda expected this? I mean, the kid's supposed to be a freakin' pansy, for gosh sakes! That…just…ain't…_right_…" The Guymelef keeled over, vanquished. Van turned from his foes to face King Aston and his comrades, adopting a pose of utter coolness and control. Hitomi's heart soared as-

BONK!

"Owwie!" The sword Van had flung up had, as all things do, come back down, hitting the Escaflowne squarely on the head. "That huuurt! It ruined my awesomeness! Stupid freakin' sword! Sob!" The Escaflowne savagely kicked the sword away, while sniffles emerged from within the melef's confines.

King Aston's mouth fell open in awe (that or utter embarrassment for the now crying King of Fanelia). Merle hopped up and down with delight.

"He won! He won!" She mewled happily.

"Damn, he won." King Aston growled, then noticed people looking at him suspiciously. He immediately smiled blandly. "I mean, of _course_ he won! I would _never_ have put him into that Coliseum and thrown three cheating opponents at him for him to _die_, now would I? No, Sirree! Cheesy Smile" As if anyone believed him. Which they all did. "Now, that boy there is better than you are, Allen!"

"Is NOT!" Allen pouted and put his head back of Millerna's shoulder.

Van, meanwhile, had opened the hatch to the Escaflowne and exited. What with his subsequent victory, of course he would accept his new honor with the dignity and sensitivity of a true Fanelian King.

"Awwwwww yeah, _losers_! In ya _face_, King Aston! In! Ya! _FACE_! Suck it!" Van began to do a little dance, which mostly consisted of him shaking his hindquarters at King Aston.

"Hmm…he only destroyed their energists…" King Aston mused, rubbing his chin with a forefinger. "…What a _wuss_! What's wrong, kid? You too good to kill a man?"

"Test, my butt!" Hitomi had had enough with this homicidal King. "You were trying to kill Van! Admit it! You- EEEEEK!" Allen quickly quieted Hitomi with a well-aimed smack on her fanny. He stepped in front of the red-faced girl and challenged the King.

"Threesomes should be left for the bedrooms!" Allen hissed angrily. "What were you thinking?"

"Nonsense!" King Aston protested. "I was showing my respect for dead- I mean, Ispano Guymelefs!"

"How can you-"

"That's fine." Van cut off Allen's chatter. He smiled smugly at the King. "I kicked their asses, anyways." He cocked an eyebrow at the psychic girl who was still blushing at Allen's groping. "Hey, Hitomi. You see me out there? Yeah. I _rock_."

"Back offa my woman, boy!" Allen snarled, placing a possessive arm around Hitomi, who shoved him off immediately after. King Aston studied Van before responding.

"Strong words…" he commented. "Totally not expected from the steaming pile of crap known as Fanelia."

"It's no wonder Zaibach wants it," the fez-man spoke up for the first time in the whole episode. "It would fetch a pretty penny!"

"Is that all that you can talk about? Money this! Money that! You should meet the Moleman!" King Aston rolled his eyes at his associate as everyone agreed.

-In the Palace of Palace (Hee Hee)-

Escaflowne sat majestically on a bejeweled throne, languishing in all the attention it was getting. At a long dinner table laden with all sorts of delicious varieties of food, King Aston raised his wineglass in a toast to the Escaflowne.

"Such a magnificent Guymelef," he marveled. Fez-man (who no longer wore his fez but I don't know his name so I'm just gonna keep callin' him that until the stupid characters actually say his stupid name) also smiled at the Guymelef.

"Its beauty is enough to steal your breath away!" Fez-man heaved out a great sigh and stared dreamily at the Guymelef.

"H-hey! Back off, man! I'm not like that!" The Escaflowne grumbled out in a panicked voice. Fez-man blinked in surprise.

"Waaah?" He shook his head and turned back to the occupants of the table. "Anyway, it can't compare to the beauty of Millerna or Eries!"

"_What_?! You bastard! You said you loved me!" Escaflowne began sobbing loudly. No one paid it any mind.

"Uh…thank you, Sir Midley (There! That's his stupid name!)." Millerna was having a hard time talking to the man over Escaflowne's anguished lamentations.

Hitomi sat a short ways down the table, a look of morbid boredom etched on her face. "Oh GAWD, kill me now…" she thought to herself, desperate for something to do other than listen to old men hit of Millerna. Allen, followed by Van, were seated next to her.

"I beg your pardon, King Aston," a man with a long, sharp nose, curled hair, and a blue dress suit leaned in close to the King. "But I-"

"WOAH!" King Aston jerked back in his seat in surprise. "What's with your _nose_, man? It's like a friggin' eagle's! You trying to stab me in the _face_ or something?" The King promptly tossed his drink in the man's face before coming back to his senses. "Uh…sorry. Please continue."

"Ahem." The poor man sputtered, wiping the wine off his face with a handkerchief from his pocket. "As I was saying, are you sure such beauty won't go unnoticed by Zaibach?" King Aston stared incredulously at the man in confusion.

"You talkin' about the chicks or the melef?"

"The _Guymelef_, sir." The man closed his eyes as he felt a major migraine approaching. King Aston reached to a nearby servant and snatched another wine glass from their tray.

"What would you have us do?" He questioned before chugging down his beverage. The hawk-nosed man thought for a moment.

"Well, sir, we could get those Queer Eye guys over here to 'gay' the Guymelef up…" he suggested.

"Great idea!" King Aston spat his wine right back out into the same man's face. "What are you waiting for? Call them right away!" The King turned toward the still silent Van. "What do you say, your Majesty?"

"EUGH!" Van made a disgusted face. "Why would I want a gay Guymelef? Allen's already got one! I like mine the way it is!"

"It'll help you hide from Zaibach."

"…Oh. Sure, do whatever you want." Van shuddered in fear. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go stare out the window now." Van pushed his chair back and stood. Striding to the large picture window on the side of the dining room, he began to stare serenely out at the Messed-Up Moon. Merle scuttled over after several seconds (a record!) and Van attempted to nudge her away with a foot when she inched too close to his liking.

"Man, those two are weird…" King Aston grumbled to himself, watching the boy and cat-girl. He shook his head and turned to Allen. "It's said being _too_ beautiful is a sin, Allen." Allen's eyes immediately lit up and a smile bloomed on his face.

"Ohh, why, _thank_ you, sire!" A brush magically appeared in the Knight's hand and he began grooming himself professionally. "How _kind_ of you!" King Aston cleared his throat.

"I was talking about the _women_."

"Oh." Allen froze mid-brush. "Of course." He began directing evil glares at Millerna's older sister, Eries.

"It's Hitomi, isn't it?" Sir Midley (Fez-man) turned his attention to the bored psychic girl, who blinked in surprise and then stiffened.

"Ohpleasedearlorddon'thitonme…" she whimpered to herself. Sir Midley either didn't hear or didn't care.

"I heard you are one of Allen's ho's, right? But, where are you from?" He leaned in closer, studying Hitomi with a keen eye. She gulped under his scrutiny, then realized what he'd just said to her.

"One of Allen's _WHAT_?! No, wait…I…uh…I'm from…" Hitomi cast about for a believable place to be from, but came up empty. She was still sputtering nonsense, until…

"I know where she's from!" A horribly recognizable voice rang out. Hitomi closed her eyes in horror.

"Oh God _no_," She prayed, but in vain. Even God didn't have the power to quiet the spoiled Princess Millerna.

"I know where she's from!" Millerna squealed again, wiggling happily in her seat, waving one arm in the arm. "She's from Whore'sville! Ha ha ha!" Millerna began giggling over her own (dumb) joke. "No, no, no! She's from Loserberg! Ah ha ha ha! Oh! Wait, wait! I've got it!" Millerna paused for dramatic effect. "She's from…Freakytown! Bwahahahaha!" The Princess nearly fell out of her chair, so violent was her laughter.

"That _witch_!" Hitomi fumed inwardly. She furiously snatched up her wine glass and downed the contents in one gulp. She winced as the strong liquid slid down her throat. "WoooOOAAH! This stuff is GOOD!" It was quickly discovered that Hitomi had zero tolerance for alcohol. "Waaaitah!" Hitomi drunkenly waved one of the servants forward. "Gets meees anathaah! Wooh!" She hiccupped, then began staring at her hands in amazement. "Mah hands ah eleeectric!" She promptly turned and punched out the servant who'd been standing next to her.

"Wow! Look at that girl _go_!" One of the King's attendants whistled, impressed. Millerna was still cackling and insulting Hitomi with her made up town names. Allen decided to put a stop to it.

"Millerna! Shh! Enough!" He began making quieting gestures to the Princess, who immediately shut her trap and began gazing at Allen.

"Ohh, Allen! Anything for you!" She simpered. Allen shrugged.

"Well, she _is_ just a handmaiden, after all," he said nonchalantly.

"Yoo BAAAHSTARD!" Hitomi's rage tripled in intensity. "I haaaate yoo! Sob!" She grabbed some more glasses of wine and drank them also in an attempt to douse the fierce fire of anger burning within her. Needless to say, it only made her drunker.

"We need to talk about our relationship, hunny!" Millerna continued, ignoring Hitomi. Allen's eyes narrowed in confusion.

"I…wasn't aware we were in a-"

"You didn't come to the Bazaar with me!" Millerna pouted like a five-year old.

"Uh, yeah. Sorry." Allen grinned sheepishly. "Once I'm settled in, I'll 'stop by'. Wink wink"

"Don't disappoint me!" Millerna also began winking suggestively. King Aston cleared his throat to get their attention.

"I'm right here, you harlot!" He ground out. Millerna's older sister, Eries, who had long blonde hair and wore some funky ear jewelry, and a green corset with a white dress spoke up.

"Allen? Did you know Millerna has been betrothed to Lord Mydon's eldest son?" She asked casually. Hitomi did a spit-take into the same servant she'd punched face.

"Ya don't saaay?" She slurred. "Let's haaave a paaaah-tay!" The poor intoxicated girl clambered up onto the table and began dancing. Allen watched in amusement.

"Too bad Van didn't stay…" he thought to himself. Millerna, meanwhile, had leapt up in anger upon hearing her sister's words.

"Shut up, sis!" She hissed. Eries raised a slim eyebrow at her.

"Oh? Weren't you going to tell him that?" She asked calmly. Millerna bit her lip and tried to come up with an excuse.

"Oh thank the Heavens- erm…congratulations!" Allen tried to contain his joy at his imminent freedom from Millerna's clutches. The Princess sat back in her seat with a defeated sigh.

"Daddy did it without asking me. I _haven't_ consented yet." She explained.

"Damn, girl!" King Aston slapped the table in fury. "I'm trying to do what's best for you, in this case, keep you away from that philanderer, Allen!"

"But I haven't seen him in years!" Millerna protested. "Besides, what if he's not a gorgeous hunk of man, like Allen? I won't settle for anything less, darn it!"

"Yes, Mydon's son is always away," Sir Midley agreed. "Even _we_ don't get to see him very often. Maybe he'll come for the wedding day."

"Or the wedding _night_, the typical male!" Millerna sniffed in disgust. Hitomi was now nearly passed out, lying sprawled out on top of the table.

"This means Allen's available! Hee hee!" She tittered to herself before pausing. "Wait…_why_ am I happy about this?"

-Onboard the Floating Jellyfish-

In a darkened room onboard the Vione, an extremely irritating noise rang up and down the walls, assaulting the precious ears of the occupants. Dilandau sat in a throne, looking unfathomably insane, running a knife's edge along an unsuspecting wine bottle, scratching the surface and thoroughly annoying the crap out of Folken, who grit his teeth and scrunched his eyes shut with every squeal the bottle made. Dilandau suddenly lost it and hurled his knife at the offending wine bottle with a mad howl.

"Bleargh!" The wine bottle screamed as it flew through the air, knife piercing its middle. "What did I ever do to you, except get you slum drunk?! You should be _thanking_ me!" It hit the floor with a sickening thud and lay there, dying. Dilandau gave another shriek of rage and leapt to his feet.

"Folken!" He thundered, turning to the man in the shadows. "I _haaaaate_ it when people make me wait!" Folken didn't even look up.

"Well, _some_body should have brought something to do besides mutilate innocent wine bottles," he mumbled, eyes glued to the small screen of the Nintendo DS he was now absorbed with. Soft beeps and crashes, along with other humorous sound effects issued from the small rectangle of coolness. Dilandau sneered at the engrossed man.

"Where'd you get that?"

"I…'liberated' it from Emperor Dornkirk. Loser can't play worth crap. Look, I've beat his High Score already…" Folken smiled dreamily as he punched his name into the space that once occupied 'Dorny'. "Besides, there's no need to hurry."

"Yeah, there is!" Dilandau stomped his foot impatiently. "I need a facial because of…" He pointed dramatically at the miniscule scar adorning the right side of his cheek. "THISSSS! We should just go and take _it_, and by _it_ I mean the Esc-"

"GAME OVER?! Are you bleeping kidding me? Son of a bleep! Dornkirk was right, this game _does_ cheat!" Folken snapped the DS closed in a huff and turned back to the insane boy. "…What were you saying?"

"Look, it'll make Emperor Dornkirk really happy." Dilandau began rubbing his scar and giggling uncontrollably. Folken stared at him incredulously.

"I _knew_ I should have brought some meds…" he sighed, kneading the bridge of his nose.

BZZZRT! The door to the room slid open soundlessly to reveal the Dragonslayer Gatti. He strode in, uttering a meek "Excuse me…."

"Oh, what, you're a _woman_ now?" Dilandau threw his arms up in defeat. "Gawd, boy, will you just _decide_ on a voice already?" Dilandau closed his eyes and forced himself to count to ten. Perhaps it would have worked for him if he would count to one hundred. "Anyway…what do you _want_?"

"Sir…" Gatti stopped in the middle of the room and drew forth a roll of paper. "I bring a message from General Adelfos."

"A message from General Adelfos?" Dilandau repeated, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

"Uh…I just said th-"

"CAN IT!" Dilandau's bark cut off the back-talking slayer. "Just read the damn message!"

"Sir!" Gatti unrolled the paper and began reading aloud. " 'The Emperor has ordered the conquest of Freid.'" Gatti paused and looked at the camera. "That's a country that you haven't seen yet, if you were wondering." He whispered helpfully. Unluckily for him, Dilandau heard.

"Who the hell are you whispering to?" Dilandau growled, glaring balefully at his subordinate. Gatti flushed.

"Uh…you know…the viewers…oh, never mind…" Gatti sighed and continued to read the message. " 'I am en route to Austuria with my forces.'"

"The four loser Generals are coming here in person?" Folken mumbled to himself, still sitting in the shadows. "That must mean they've located our power spot." Folken frowned and glared into the camera. "And NO, I'm not going to ruin it and tell you what it is."

"Well, well. So the General finally found what he's been looking for?" Dilandau grinned evilly. There was still more to the message.

" 'The Destiny Pro…Prognaaa…P…'" Poor Gatti was having some trouble reading the complicated word.

"Sound it out, retard!" Dilandau snarled. "What, I've got to get you Hooked on Phonics?"

" 'Prog…nos…ti…Prognosticator!'" Gatti smiled triumphantly. " 'The Destiny Prognosticator (Hey, it _is_ a hard word!) has detected the loser Dragon's shadow. Capture it. Emperor Dornkirk took the liberty to repeat this to me several times. Please kill me.'"

"Yeeeesss!" Dilandau pumped a fist in the air happily and began to dash past Gatti.

" 'P.S.'" Apparently the message _still_ wasn't done. Damn, Adelfos! You write a book or somethin'? Dilandau stopped short and regarded his soldier. Gatti swallowed, steeling himself for the pain he knew was coming. " 'Don't get carried away. That means you, pyro boy.'"

"Oh. Veeery funny." Dilandau made a face before slapping Gatti silly.

"Ow! S-Sir! I wasn't the one who said that! It was General Adelfos!" Gatti rubbed his bruised cheek. Dilandau stared blankly.

"I know." Dilandau continued to beat the poor boy. Folken stood and began pacing earnestly, mind racing.

"If we're going to invade Freid (you see I rhymed there? Did…did you? No? Okay, I'll shut up now), that means we're going to use Austuria's Harbor as a staging ground," he explained while pacing. "He's saying he doesn't want you to do anything stupid, which, of course, we all know you _will_ do."

"Damn right!" Dilandau had let off abusing Gatti and scratched his head, pondering the situation. "So…we'll occupy the stupid Harbor then…. All I want is to get Van back!" He clenched his fist, eager for his chance at revenge. Folken was not in any way concerned.

"Yeah, yeah, fine. Do whatever you want after you capture him." The DS had been taken out once more, and Folken was pounding the buttons, entranced once again. Dilandau's face split in his trademark sadistic grin.

"Oh? So you're just gonna _give_ your little brother to me? You don't caaare about him? You suuure you don't mind?"

"Mind?" Folken paused the game and looked up at the silver-haired boy. "Hell, I feel _sorry_ for you." He turned back to his game as Dilandau's smirk widened.

-Back at the Palace of Palace (Tee hee!)-

The Escaflowne sat strapped in a large chair, surrounded by heaping piles of fabrics, glittering jewels, and shining accessories. The Queer Eye crew had been fetched and the Fab Five were ready for their newest challenge – to gay up the Escaflowne!

"G…get away from me! I'm straight, dammit! _Straight_!" The Escaflowne struggled against the numerous ropes that bound it to its seat. They were tied tight, however, and it was all in vain. "I've got _rights_! I'll sue your asses!"

"Okay, why is that thing taaalking?" Ted Allen asked, giving the Escaflowne a disgusted look. "I thought you said this thing wasn't _alive_? And why the hell am I even here? I'm in charge of food and cooking, for Christ's sake!"

"You're _here_ because if there were only four of us here we couldn't call ourselves the Fab Five!" Kyan Douglas ran a hand through his impeccable hair. "Now let's get this thing _clean_! Look at all that dirt and rust! Eugh!" He brushed at the Escaflowne's grimy cape and rusted exterior. "Just think of all the _germs_ on it!"

"Oh, my, _gawd_. These curtains do _not_ match this wallpaper! What were you _thinking_?!" Thom Filicia turned and slapped a nearby servant across the face. "And these lamps! Dear Lord, this is a crime against hu_manity_!"

Carson Kressley, voted most annoying of all the Fab Five, was busy perusing the extensive heaps of capes and clothes set aside for the white Guymelef. "Oooh, this shade of purple will totally bring out your eyes!" He cooed, running a hand down the glimmering sheet of cloth. "Oh, wait. You don't have any. Aw, who caaares?" His jaw fell open as something caught his eye. "Are those _tassels_? Oh, thank goodness!"

"Now, Escaflowne," Jai Rodriguez was addressing the Escaflowne despite its supposed to being an inanimate object, "what you need to do is make more eye contact with people. You need to _connect_ more! Then you'll be more popular, _and_ happier!" He turned to the other men (?) in the room. "See, you guys? I _am_ useful!"

"Oh, shut up! You're giving me a headache!" Carson gasped aloud and ran across the room. "Sequins! Yesss!"

"Noooooooooooo!!!" The Escaflowne's wretched cry for help fell on deaf ears.

-In a Bedroom of the Palace of Palace (Ha hah…enh…)-

Allen heaved Hitomi's dead weight onto the king sized bed with a loud groan, as the slender girl actually weighed quite a bit more than she looked. Hitomi had long since passed out from her drunken exploits, and had lapsed into an unconscious stupor. Allen stared dreamily at her prone body, sprawled out on the bed, drooling and snoring like a chainsaw.

"God she's hot." Allen couldn't resist the temptation to steal a kiss from the girl in her sleep. He leaned over her, lips puckered to-

"Allen!"

_"I wasn't trying anything!"_ Allen whirled around faster than the speed of sound. Princess Eries stood in the doorway, glaring in disgust at the so-called Knight. "Oh! Princess Earies! So nice to see you! Right now, of all times!" Allen broke out into a fake smile.

"It's _Eries_, not Earies," the Princess muttered, fingering her golden ear-jewelry. "They're not _that_ noticeable…"

"So, uh, what the hell do you want?" Allen began tapping his foot, clearly anxious for Princess Ear- er, Eries to leave so he could continue his taking advantage of a helpless woman. Princess Eries was having none of it.

"Stop leading Millerna on, you man-whore!" She ordered bluntly. Allen blinked.

"Actually, _she_ does most of the 'leading' if you ask-"

"I know that Millerna is still hot for you," Eries continued despite Allen's protests. "But you're just replacing Marlene with her!" Hmm? Who is this 'Marlene'? What does she have to do with Allen? Too bad, you're gonna have to wait a few more episodes to find out! Don't that bite?

Allen had a serious look on his face for once.

"Millerna's becoming more and more like Marlene, so it's natural to see her in… _her_. But she's _not_ Marlene! I don't want to see Millerna get hurt, because it's always the woman who loses!" Princess Eries finished her moving speech, nearly in tears. Allen was still staring somberly at her. Suddenly, he blinked several times and focused in on Eries.

"…I'm sorry. What were you saying? I was having a brain-fart."

"I'm talking about what a loser you are!" Eries hissed, insulted.

"Oh, right." He cleared his throat and continued in a deadpan voice. "I will _never_ fall in love again." An attractive maid walked by the open door. Allen's eyes lit up like five million watt light bulbs. "Hot DAMN! Who was that? Baby got _back_!" Eries screwed her face up in disgust at the man's antics, then glanced at the still unconscious girl lying on the bed.

"Ugh! Liar!" Princess Eries spun and attempted to dash dramatically toward the door, only to be betrayed by her treacherous hobble skirt, which easily synched her legs and caused her to fall on her face. Still trying to make a dignified exit, the Princess was forced to drag herself out with her arms, her useless legs trailing behind.

-Outside the Palace of Palace (Okay, That's Getting Kind of Old)-

Van stood on a stone parapet, eclipsed by the moon and surrounded by darkness. His drawn sword gleamed silver in the moonlight. He slid into a stance and began pulling off move after ridiculous move, all of which consisted of a lot of yelling and even more arm-flailing and high kicks. After several poses, he stopped, panting lightly.

"Yeah…I'm awesome…"

"Hmm?" Allen had walked out onto the large catwalk and caught sight of Van. He'd also seen Van's horrendous display of 'skill'. "Dear God, boy! What the hell were you _doing_? Having a seizure?"

"Shut up!" Van whipped around in surprise, not at all happy that Allen was there. "What do you want? Done flirting with Hitomi?" Allen ignored the jibe and instead grinned.

"I'll be your sparing partner," he said confidently. Van simply laughed.

"Oh, bring it on, Blondie!"

-A Few Seconds Later-

"Hyaaaaaaah!" Van's hand swung downward in an arc, powerful and quick, striking at Allen in the moonlight darkness.

"Gyaaaaaaah!" Allen's arm followed suit, elegant and fluid, rushing to meet Van's nimble attack.

"Ha! Scissors beats paper!" Van shouted in triumph as he won their bout of Rock-Paper-Scissors.

"Darn it!" Allen cursed, curling his hand into a fist and barely restraining himself from slugging the smug brat in the face. Van finished his (newest) victory dance when he was hit with a realization.

"Ow!"

"What?"

"I got hit with a realization, dumb-ass!" Van rubbed the tender bump on his head. Allen contained a snigger (Aw, hell, he laughed aloud).

"Oh? What was it?"

"Um…wait…I just had it…oh yeah!" Van clapped his hands together as the realization stuck again. "Ow! DAMMIT! Stop doing that already!" Van clutched his head in pain before telling Allen what had came to him. "Uh…Oh, yeah. Shouldn't we be practicing with swords?"

"Meh." Allen shrugged.

-A Few Seconds Later…Again-

"Hyaaaaah!" Van once again leapt at Allen, this time clutching his upraised sword in his grasp, charging the Knight with all the might he could muster.

"Gyaaaaah!" Allen did the same with his own blade, rushing Van from the side, trying to overpower the little tyke. Sparks flew as the two swords connected, momentarily illuminating the darkness to reveal two grimly set faces. The two combatants jumped apart, watching each other with a wary eye.

"Hmmm…" Allen thought to himself. "He's not such a loser anymore…" Van ran shrieking at the blond-haired man and swung his weapon down, missing his target by a good eight feet. "Huh…never mind…" As Van struck again, Allen continued mentally criticizing Van's swordplay. "He takes too many risks! If he keeps this up, he'll end up getting himself _killed_!"

Crash! Allen's sword went flying and struck the ground nearby. Allen continued staring at his now empty hand before he realized what had happened.

"Hey! That's not fair! I was having an inner monologue!" Allen's mouth fell open in protest. "You cheater!" Van opened his mouth for a scathing retort but was interrupted by loud clapping coming from near the doorway. The two men turned to see Princess Millerna (_oy_…) standing by the entrance, clapping in approval for the show.

"Bravo, Allen!" She smiled beautifully. "You made losing horribly look _damn_ good! I've been watching you allll day- uh, I mean, this whole fight…" She stopped clapping and fidgeted nervously. Van made a face.

"Creeeeepy…" He sang softly, for Allen's ears only. Allen frowned and elbowed him.

"Shut up, Van!" He hissed. "You only _wish_ you had a girl who was eerily obsessive over you!"

"Oh, believe me, I _already_ have one," Van sighed, thinking back to the unimaginably annoying cat-girl awaiting him downstairs. Allen, of course, was ignoring him now that something with a vagina had entered the immediate vicinity.

"This is no hour for a lady to be up," he said firmly, meeting Millerna's gaze.

"Oh yeah?" She laughed. "What about Van? I'm sure it's past his bedtime, the poor wittle baby."

"It is not!" Van suddenly yawned and rubbed his heavy eyelids. "Mmmm… Sleeeepy…" Allen strode over and retrieved his blade. Van couldn't help but notice Millerna's enthusiastic staring at the Knight's backside while he bent to pick up his weapon, and so became revolted. "Eugh. I can already tell some gross, lovey-dovey crap is gonna happen. I'm _out_!" Van began marching toward the sanctity of the exit. He would choose the cat-brat over those two _any_ day.

Millerna took advantage of Van's retreat and leapt at the now unprotected Allen, grabbing at his face with her hands. Allen yelped in surprise.

"Woah! What'cha trying to do there, toots? Rape me?" While Allen did like the ladies, getting molested by one was not on his wish list (I'm not kidding!). Millerna continued her assault. "You're engaged to be married, for Pete's sake!"

"That's not my decision, it's my fathers!" Millerna hastily tried to explain, following Allen as he all but ran from her. "And who the heck is Pete?" Millerna finally managed to corner the elusive man and grabbed hold of his arms to hold him still. Stepping close, she looked pleadingly into his eyes. "Allen…why can't you understand how I feel?"

"Princes Millerna!" Allen, in his one smart move in the whole anime, attempted to escape once more.

"Allen!" Millerna's hands tightened like a vice, not permitting escape. Allen gulped fearfully.

-With Van-

Van zoomed down the stairs as fast as he could, anxious to get away before he caught cooties from the two lovesick puppies. He screeched to a halt when he caught sight of Hitomi ascending the stairs below him. She looked up, saw Van, and broke into a crooked smile.

"Hey, hot stuff. How ya doing?" Apparently the drink hadn't passed out of her system yet and she was still somewhat under its influence. Van's eyes widened momentarily, before he remembered the scene he'd left behind atop the castle.

"Uh…you shouldn't go up there." He gestured over his shoulder and up the staircase. Hitomi scrunched up her face.

"But it's so _stuffy_ in here!" She wiped her forehead with the back of her hand. "I just needed to get some air! Or…something…" She stopped, confused.

"Unseen Foooorces…" Van sang softly as he walked by the psychic girl. Hitomi shot him a nasty look before continuing upward.

"Hunh! What's _his_ problem?" She walked out the doorway and gasped as she saw Millerna and Allen instantly. They were standing quite close, leaning against a column off to the side.

"Why do you only call me Princess?" Millerna was asking. "Why can't you call me 'hot mama' or 'doll face'? I just want to be like a regular woman…"

"Allen and Millerna?" Hitomi's mind raced furiously as she stood, paralyzed. "Aw, bleep! I _knew_ I should have listened to Van! Damn it all!" She ducked behind and nearby column and continued to watch the scene unfold before her eyes.

"Allen…" Millerna caught sight of Hitomi peeping out from behind her hiding place. She continued regardless. Wow…what a meanie! "I'd throw everything away just to be with you! My father, my country…"

"Damn, you're a selfish brat!" Allen paused. "That turns me ON!" Hitomi watched in horror as the two began making out. With a strangled sob, she dashed for the doorway. Allen, hearing Hitomi's cry, pulled away from Millerna and saw Hitomi's retreating form. "Huh? Hitomi? Noooo! Now she'll never sleep with me! And I was thiiiis close!" Allen began after her, but Millerna caught hold of his arm again.

"Allen! Stay…with _meeee_…" She waved a hand in Allen's face, who recoiled in confusion.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Jedi mind tricks. You know." Millerna passed her hand over Allen's face again, still attempting to coerce him with the Force.

"No…I _don't_ know…" Allen was stupefied.

"Damn. Oh, fine then." Millerna simply kissed Allen again, quite easily trapping him with her feminine wiles.

Hitomi stumbled down the stairs, completely sober now, and sobbing her heart out. She halted and dashed her tears away.

"Curse you, Unseen Forces! I'm so stupid!" She chocked out between sobs. "Of course Allen's already got a ho! I haven't even _known_ him for that long, he _is_ a bit too feminine, he _is_ kind of a loser…" Hitomi wiped her eyes clear again. "I'm so _stupid_!"

-On a Balcony Somewhere in the Palace of Palace-

Merle sat perched atop a balcony ledge, staring dreamily out at sparkling stars that lit the dark blanket of the sky. Humming off-tune, she kicked her legs absently.

"Ah! The city lights are so pretty!" Merle purred to herself. "Reminds me of Lord Van!" She began to sing (quite horribly) to herself. "Twinkle, twinkle, liiittle star! How I wonder what you aaare!"

Three glowing pairs of eyes on the ceiling in the room behind the balcony began moaning in agony at the nightmarish vocalizations being emitted from the unsuspecting cat-girl. Wait…glowing eyes? What the crap?

Bam! The door to the room banged open and Hitomi came running in, still crying pitifully. She flung herself onto the four-post canopy bed and muffled her sobs with the large pillow on it. Merle stared in awe before scrambling over to annoy her.

"Hitomi? What's wrong?" She crawled closer and began poking the back of the crying girl's head. "My pokes will make you feel better! Please tell me why you're crying!" Hitomi growled and pushed herself up onto her elbows.

"Just leave me alone!" She hollered, slapping Merle across the face before once again shoving her face back into the pillow. Merle sat, stunned for a moment, before hissing angrily.

"Geez! What's up your butt?" She began jumping up and down on the bed, upsetting the already upset girl some more. "It's okay! You can tell me why you're crying!"

"Go away, kitty cat!" Hitomi's annoying meter had reached its boiling point and so she seized her pillow and threw it (quite accurately) at the still bouncing Merle, scoring a perfect strike (or a goal, if you prefer soccer) on her face. Merle was knocked clean off the bed, and hit the ground with a satisfying Thud!. She leapt up, bruised and incensed.

"What was _that_ for?" She roared, but Hitomi simply continued her loud lamentations. Merle huffed and ran out to the balcony. "Fine! Cry yourself to sleep!" She jumped from the balcony ledge to the roof and went skittering off into the night.

Hitomi, now having had a good cry, weakly pushed herself up off the bed, sniffling softly. She was just about to get up when three grotesque men with green skin and spiked hair dropped from the ceiling, surrounding her before she could move.

"What the-? Eww! You guys are worse than that Dolphin man at the Bazaar!" Before Hitomi could hurl any more insults their way, the three green men seized her, clamping a hand securely over her mouth.

Merle was still up on the roof, grumbling to herself. "Why does she have to be so mean to me? Grr! …Huh?" A strange sound reached her sharp kitty ears. Looking back, she crawled back over to the balcony doorway and peeked in.

"King Aston's charging way to much for this! …Damn! I knew we shoulda brought a larger sack! This one's too _big_!" One of the green men was desperately trying to shove Hitomi, who was trussed tightly with ropes and gagged, into a burlap sack. Hitomi gurgled in protest at the man's comment.

"Mmmph! Mmm mm _mph_ mpph!" Translation: "Hey! I'm _not_ fat!" The men had succeeded in shoving poor Hitomi all the way into the sack, so they cinched it closed, then heaved it onto one's back. Exiting through the balcony door, they climbed _over_ the sill and _down_ the canal wall to the waiting submersible below (creeeepy!). Merle hopped down and watched the small submarine move off down the canal.

"She got sold off?" Merle scratched her chin thoughtfully. "Huh? Why should I care?" She stomped back into the room, still grumpy about Hitomi's flying pillow of death. Looking at the bed, a sudden image of Hitomi wailing atop it appeared before her. "Aww…Maybe I should go tell Lord Van…" Merle began to have a change of heart. Then the image turned into Hitomi and the accursed pillow-throwing. "As if!" The back stabbing cat-girl skipped off out the hall to find some catnip to chew on.

-On the Submersible with Hitomi-

"Some body heeeeelp me!" Hitomi hollered, desperate for someone to hear and come to her rescue. In the submarine, the three green men sat in pilot chairs and drove the ship through the narrow canals.

"Ha ha ha ha!" One of the green men laughed (obviously). "Nobody can hear you, girly! Not even a Guymelef-"

"Guymelef's _can't_ hear."

"Let me finish!" The green man glared back at the captive. "As I was saying, not even a Guymelef can touch us in the water! …Now, _destroying_ us is a whole other matter entirely!"

"These guys are morons!" Hitomi rolled her eyes at the idiotic antics of her kidnappers. She sighed wistfully. "Oh, Allen…NO! I'm still pissed at you! I don't wanna be rescued by that jerk!" She immediately cast all thoughts of him out of her mind.

-Aboard the Floating Jellyfish-

"We're trying to help you guys, _seriously_, but I'm just too damn cheap to _really_ help!" King Aston sat in a darkened council room, seated across from Folken. "I've already looked under my bed _and_ in my closet, and I assure you, it's not there!"

"Listen, can't you just let us look for ourselves, Kingsey?" Folken asked, scowling dubiously. The King shook his head vehemently.  
"No, no. We will use _our_ troops to find the Escaflowne." He sighed. "Why are so interested in that Guymelef anyway? It's not gonna save your Vampiric image, I tell ya!" King Aston slapped his hand on a meaty thigh, snorting and shaking with laughter. Folken glared at him, aghast. A knock sounded from the door.

"Enter." Folken's gaze flickered to the now open door. An attendant nervously entered and coughed before speaking.

"Lord Folken, the Dragon is caught in our net." The attendant smiled smugly. King Aston jerked in surprise, trying to hide his (obvious) guilt.

-Back With the Escaflowne-

Escaflowne stood in his dazzling new array of garments, each garish color clashing hideously with the others. Numerous sparkling instruments and shining tassels adorned the mechanical giant, adding to the overall gayety of the pitiful Guymelef. A feathered fluff crowned his head, putting the icing on the cake. The now flamboyant melef was wading through the dirty canals of Palace, in pursuit of Hitomi and her kidnappers. Van had found the evil little cat-girl and knew something was amiss immediately. Several moments of sucking up drew out her confession easily enough.

Shouts of "Man, that Guymelef's gay!" and "Whoo! Hot Guymelef, walkin' by!" and several whistles reached Van's ears, causing him to flush crimson.

"Damn Queer Eye guys…." He mumbled to himself. Merle, who was perched atop Esca's shoulder, made an annoyed sound.

"Come on, Lord Van! Just ignore them!" She knocked on the melef's noggin to grab Van's attention. "You've got to hurry up!" Van bit his lip and nodded.

"You're right! I owe Hitomi! I've got to save her!" He reminded himself. Merle's eyes narrowed suspiciously, and she slid in close to peer at Van through the helmet's visor.

"And that's the _only_ reason, riiiiight, Lord Van?" She purred dangerously. Van gulped.

"Uh…yes?"

"It BETTER be!" Merle stopped her threats and flicked her ears several times as she cast around for any sound of her prey. She found her target quite quickly. "That way!" She pointed off to the left.

"Hitomi's over there?" Van asked brightly.

"No! Some mice are! Yummy!"

"…"

THWACK!

"Awk!" Merle shrieked as she fell into the filthy canal water.

"Do it right or you get another dip in the drink," Van growled.

"Alright, alright!" Merle hissed as she clambered back up onto Escaflowne's shoulder, shaking herself dry. "She's over that way!" This time Merle pointed to the right. Van began to head in that direction. Ducking under an obstructing bridge, Escaflowne's cloak got snagged on a loose nail and ripped loudly. The Guymelef was _not_ happy.

"Oh my _gawd_! And I just got that washed! Dammit! And _why_ am I walking in this disgusting water? Just think how dirty I'm getting! Ewww!" The Guymelef paused in its rant. "Wait just one… AAUUUGGH!! I'm being gaaaay! Van! Hurry! Rip some more offa me, pleeeease!"

A lone drunk who had been on the offending bridge teetered precariously, blurred eyes vainly trying to focus on the receding Guymelef. "That…is one _gay_ Guymelef…" The drunk hiccupped before losing his balance and falling off the bridge into the water. Gee, I hope he's alright…

-Back Aboard the Floating Jellyfish-

"This Shadow-Graph was taken by one of our lookouts." An attendant held a black and white still shot of the Escaflowne before Folken and King Aston, who wriggled uncomfortably. Folken murmured in approval.

"Oooh. That's a pretty sweet shot, there. I'll take a couple 8 by 10's." Looking at the sweating King, he remarked snidely, "Well. I guess we don't have to search for it after all, hmmm?" King Aston smiled weakly, feigning innocence.

"Err… we didn't think it would look so… _gay_…" He shrugged and turned to his servant. "Send out the Gayisson- er, the Garrison! Immediately!"

"Yes, sir!" The servant ran to carry out his master's order. The King turned back to Folken, holding his head in shame.

"I had no idea it was already in Palace. Folken, it's your turn to keep your end of the treaty. I request the dispatch of Zaibach soldiers." King Aston managed to say all this with a straight face. Folken stared at him blankly.

"Wow. You're a damn good liar." He leaned in close to the King and whispered, "_I love you_." He straightened and gestured to a soldier standing over by the door. "Go wake Dilandau!"

"Uh, yeah…" The soldier rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "He's already _long_ gone, sir…"

-Outside the Floating Jellyfish-

Dilandau zoomed through the night air, rapidly approaching the glimmering lights of Palace in his crimson Guymelef, Oreades. So eager was he to incite his revenge that he'd skipped out on his beauty sleep, which said quite a lot.

"Ha ha ha!" Dilandau cackled loudly to himself. "Just you wait, Van! I'm gonna… uhn… yaaaawnn." Dilandau's promenade of suffering was cut short by a yawn. "Hmmn… shtill shleeepy…" He began attempting to rub the sleepiness out of his eyes and pilot the Guymelef at the same time, an impressive feat, to say the least.

"I didn't know you were such a light sleeper." Folken's sarcastic tone issued forth from the melef's radio. Dilandau couldn't help but smirk.

"At least I don't grind my teeth like _you_ do."

"Wha… How would you know that? Have you been in my room?" Folken's questioning was met only with amused silence. "…That's not freakin' funny, Dilandau. It's _creepy_."

"Oh, I'm still dreaming," Dilandau chuckled, "and it's getting better! I'm dreaming of Van!" Now it was Folken's turn to be silent for several moments.

"…That's… pretty _gay_…."

"Shut up! I didn't mean it like that!" Dilandau let go of one of the controllers and smacked the radio, imagining it to be Folken's head.

"Whatever, let's just drop it for now," Folken sighed, his morbid depression seeming to seep through the radio with each syllable. "This is an urban area. Don't involve the citizenry…ery…citizen… is that even a word?"

"Kill everyone. Gotcha." Dilandau swooped down low toward Palace as Folken continued mumbling to himself incoherently.

-Back With the Escaflowne-

Van, meanwhile, was still wading through the canals full of sludge in search of Hitomi. Poor Escaflowne was getting more and more fed up by the minute.

"Ugh! Enough already! Where the hell is that freaky little girl? I'm rustin' here!" It paused, realizing how feminine it just sounded. "Erm… I mean… I'm a man… I can take it… GWAAACK!" The Guymelef suddenly plunged deeper into the water, causing Merle to fluff up her fur and hiss in surprise. She gasped and pointed.

"Look, there they are!" She yowled, loud enough for all of Palace to hear.

"They've spotted us!" A green man wailed in panic. "How could they? We're out in the open! Curses!"

"Divedivedivedivediiiiiive!" The other green men scrambled about, pushing buttons and pulling levers. Hitomi was desperate for rescue.

"Heeelp! Allen! I forgive you, just save me from these idiots! Pleeease!" She pleaded.

The small craft submerged into the dark canal water and disappeared from sight. Van set his jaw and made his decision.

"Merle!" He called out to the cat-girl. "It's time for a swim!" He promptly dived underwater without giving her a chance to jump off, dousing Merle yet again. She spit and hissed in fury, then pulled herself onto dry land.

"Lord Van! You coulda warned me!"

"Hee hee! No Guymelef can follow us underwater!" One of the green men giggled in triumph. SMASH! "…Or not."

Hitomi shrieked as the craft shook violently, held in the grasp of the white giant, who straightened dramatically out of the water, holding its reward aloft. Merle clapped her hands and hollered in approval.

"Oh, Lord Van! You're soooo cool!" She began dancing in joy. Van ignored her, as he was trying to breath.

"Gaaaaahhhck! Aiiiir!" Several deep breaths (and dead brain cells) later, Van set to the task of prying open the submersible, which proved easy enough, as it nearly popped open of it's own accord. He leaned forward, peering into the darkened shell cautiously. The green men shrieked in fear.

"Ohh! Allen!" Hitomi's eyes lit up like fireworks, then sputtered out as she caught sight of her rescuer. "Wait…Van?! What the bleep are you doin' here? You're ruinin' my fantasy, boy!" Van scowled, deeply hurt.

"Fine!" He huffed, pouting in his trademark manner. "I'll just close the lid and put you back-"

"Okay, okay! Thank you for rescuing me!" Hitomi would do just about anything now to escape the torture of listening to the moronic rambling of her captors. Van smiled.

"That's more like it!" Gently dipping his hand into the craft, he plucked Hitomi out and nonchalantly tossed it (the craft, not Hitomi) over his shoulder. He carefully stepped out of the canal and onto a dry street, finally free of the dirty water. Merle hopped up onto the melef's foot and climbed up to its shoulder.

"You okay?" She asked, easily biting through Hitomi's confining ropes that bound her arms. Hitomi made a face.

"Uh… You could have just _untied_ me, but, hey…" She shrugged. "Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks." Merle took this rare act of genuine gratitude and shot it down in all its glory.

"What a _moron_!" Merle snickered, regarding Hitomi with a look of amusement. "What kind of a loser lets herself get kidnapped by Gekko's?"

"Pardon me, cat-brat!" Hitomi leapt up, ready to do battle.

-With Dilly-

Dilandau peered through his magnifying scope, casting about for his elusive victims. He gasped suddenly, a wicked smile spreading across his face.

"I found him!" Dilandau laughed, joyous.

"You found Van?" Folken asked over the radio.

"No. I found Waldo. See?" Dilandau was holding a Where's Waldo book in a free hand and had been previously absorbed in it.

"…Get to work!"

"Oh, _fine_, you uptight day-walker."

"Huh?" Van's head jerked up as an eerily familiar sound reached his ears. He gurgled in surprise as Dilandau flew into view overhead.

"Vaaaaaaan!" Dilandau shrieked in glee, aiming his Guymelef on a crash course with the Escaflowne. Sadly, Dilandau's measurements were quite a bit off, and so he missed and splashed down noisily into the bacteria-infested water of the canal. Van politely waited as the red Guymelef scrambled out of the dirty drink and stood before him, sputtering and hacking up diseased fish. "Gaw! Aww! I'm all friggin' wet now! …This is all your fault if I get Salmonella poisoning!" Dilandau shot a deadly Crima Claw at Van, who dodged professionally (he was expert in all things runnin' away) and ran like Angelina Jolie after a middle-eastern orphan baby.

Dilandau sprinted after the retreating melef, keen on killing it dead and then some, and turned the corner while materializing a sword from its liquid metal. He struck violently out at Van, who blocked and dodged yet another flash of Crima Claw (See? What did I tell ya? Running!).

"Can't we just play Rock, Paper, Scissors?" Van called out pleadingly, desperate to stop the raging battle he was involved in. Dilandau's evil laughter was his answer.

"Only if I get to snap your neck, first!" Dilandau withdrew his favorite prized weapon – his Flamethrower, named Sally. He began using it to set houses in the immediate vicinity ablaze to add a little edge to the fight.

Van gulped at the carnage the crazy boy was creating, and ducked down an alley, trying to escape. Dilandau followed after, hot on his heels.

"Wait up, buddy!" He called, tauntingly. Van reciprocated by shoving the maddened soldier into a building, then quickly leapt out of the way (_again_!) as Dilandau shot another tongue of flame at his opponent. Another house burst into flame, adding to Dilandau's intoxicated joy. "Yesss! Burn!!" Dilandau began setting several other buildings and things on fire, just for the fun of it. Among these things were several dogs, a bird, and people.

"_Heee's_ a keeper." Van stared, dumbfounded, as the red Guymelef began dancing among the flames. Hitomi, still nestled in the Escaflowne's protective grasp, huddled away from the blasting heat of the flames, whimpering at the horrific sight before her.

"The city is burning!" She whispered. Van gasped, eyes wide, as he realized that this would all be blamed on _him_.

"Uh… I didn't do this!" Van protested, mind racing for excuses. "It was all the psychic girl's fault, I swear!" He pointed at Hitomi accusingly. People ran around in circles, panicked and screaming in turmoil. Dilandau had let off the pyrotechnics and stepped toward the dismayed boy-King.

"You're not getting away this time!" He grinned maliciously, a cat stalking his prey. Van gulped and stepped back fearfully.

"Stop it! We can't fight here!" Van tried his hardest to sound tough, but failed miserably. Dilandau simply laughed.

"Oh yeah? The city is burning because of you!"

"What?" Van took another step back.

"My face is hurting because of you, too! …Guess which one I care about more! …My _face_! That's right! You win… a Crima Claw! Joy!" Another Crima Claw flashed out at Van, who leapt into the sky.

"Mighty Morphin' Power Raaaangers!" Van sang as the Escaflowne morphed into Dragon Mode. "I'm outta here, man! _You_ can take the blame for this!" Van used Dilandau's shoulder as a stepping stone as he flew past. Dilandau turned, intent on snaring his prey, but was stopped by a sword suddenly blocking his way. Allen Schezar stood in the Scherazade, the _originally_ gay Guymelef (even without the Fab Five's help).

"Dilandau!" Allen spoke in serious tone for once. "If you do any more damage to the city, you'll have to answer to _me_!"

"…And that would stop me… _why_?" Dilandau couldn't quite grasp Allen's threat.

"Uh… Please?" Allen smiled weakly.

"Oh, alright, since you asked so nicely." Dilandau sighed in resignation. Allen thanked the heavens and realized he needed a change of pants.

-With Van and Company-

Still flying through the night air, Van helped Hitomi stand shakily up, a bit off balance from the Dragon's bucking.

"You okay?" He asked, more than a little concerned. Aww…

"Yes, just a little scarred for life and mentally unstable is all…" Hitomi's heart warmed at Van's unexpected sweetness.

"Quit your flirting before I push you off!" Merle hissed from behind Van, where she was taking advantage of the situation and clinging to the boy as tightly as possible. Hitomi stared wistfully back at the fading city lights, and sighed sadly.

"Later, loser…" She said softly as the Dragon flew off into the moonlight.

"You talkin' about me?" Van cried.

"No! I'm talking about Allen, stupid!" Hitomi yelled back.

"Hey! Who you calling stupid, stupid?" Merle growled, defending her beloved Van. The three continued bickering as the Dragon, once again, flew off into the moonlight.

-Episode 7 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: I apologize if anyone was offended by all the gay jokes that were in this fic. Maybe I went a bit overboard… I'm sorry if you think so. But who else could dress up the Escaflowne like that? I hope you still liked it. The next chapter might take a bit longer because I have a bunch of tests and projects coming up, plus I wanted to write another little Gaara fic. Read and review, please!


	8. Episode 8: The Day the Idiot Flew

Author's Note: Gyagh! I have no idea why, but this episode was extremely hard to write! I don't find it as funny as the others ones, and I'm a little disappointed. My funny was just not there! Gergh! So… frustrating!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 8

The Day the Idiot Flew

Recap: Van survives his traumatizing 'greeting' with King Aston's mercenaries, and the crew go have supper, where Hitomi gets smashed and acts like a goof. The Escaflowne is gayed up for a disguise, while Hitomi spies Allen and Millerna osculating on top of the castle. Bitter and alone, she is kidnapped by Gekko men, and it's up to the idiot Van and the reluctant Merle to save her. Dilandau, meanwhile, sets out for his date with Van's organs and falls upon our heroes just as Van manages to rescue Hitomi. Van, as he always does in times of peril, runs away. The three make like a banana and split, dumping the blame of the now crispy-crunchy Palace on poor Allen's head. They were last seen flying off into the night and arguing heatedly.

Hitomi sighed. She was having yet another horrible day. Not only had she woken up in a freaky alter-dimension of her world where everything was eerily quiet and a strange fog cloaked the entire city, but Van and Merle (whom Hitomi didn't really care about anyway) were nowhere to be seen. She had been walking around the city in a dream-like haze, and had stopped at a payphone by the road to make a quick call. That is, if the damn phone would work.

"Stupid phone…" Hitomi grumbled, punching in numbers vainly. "Stupid Carrot Top… C-A-L-L-A-T-T my ass…" She slammed the phone back onto the receiver vehemently and turned away in disgust. She stopped short as a shadow of a man appeared behind her. "Oh dear lord… _please_ let that be Amano…" she whimpered in fear. Sadly, it turned out to be, of course…

Allen Schezar!

"Auuugh! No! A nightmare! Wake up! Wake up!" Hitomi began slapping herself in an attempt to awaken herself from this terror. Allen simply took her hand and dragged the protesting girl down the street. Needless to say, a man dressed in outrageously feminine attire with long, flowing locks was a strange sight in Japan, and so the citizens responded understandably.

"Who the hell's that freako?"

"What the heck's that dude wearin'? Is that _even_ a dude?"

"Get outta the road, cross-dresser!" Several people in vehicles careened wildly off the road and crashed into nearby store windows, tires screeching and horns honking loudly, after catching a glimpse of the Knight.

Romantic, mushy music began playing as Allen and Hitomi acted out all sorts of cutesy activities that couples do, including trying on different hats, eating and drinking at fancy restaurants, and playing that stupid crane game where you never win no matter how hard to try. Allen found this out the hard way.

"I _hate_ you!" Hitomi ran away sobbing after Allen failed to win her a plushy after the umpteenth try. Allen's eyes narrowed, and after warily scanning his immediate surroundings, simply punched out the glass of the vendor and snatched up a toy to give to his precious Hitomi. Maybe _now_ she'd sleep with him…

"I threw away everything…" Allen was saying, staring lovingly into Hitomi's eyes, now that he'd caught up to her again. "I just had to come here…so…you would… have sex with me…"

"Man, you're horny…" Hitomi tried to remove her hands, but Allen's had a vice-like grip on them and nothing short of a natural disaster could dislodge them. "Wait…you threw away _everything_?"

"Yes, everything! My country, my duty, my war, my soul-"

"Your _soul_?"

"Well, you get the idea!" Allen shrugged and then smiled. "I threw it all away, just to be with you!"

"You sure are desperate, huh?" Hitomi quirked an eyebrow and clutched the freaky plushy Allen had 'won' for her closer. She stiffened as Allen suddenly wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close, trying to kiss her. "_Ohpleasewakeupwakeupwakeup_…" Hitomi squeezed her eyes shut, trying to will herself awake. She was vaguely aware of the approaching sound of hooves and the creak of wagon wheels.

"Alleeeeen!" Never had Hitomi been so happy to hear that damned Princess Millerna's voice. The doors to the carriage burst open as it halted before the couple, and the wonderful Millerna popped out like a Jack-in-the-Box. Allen's attention quickly switched direction.

"Boobies!" He dropped Hitomi unceremoniously onto the ground and leapt onto Millerna. They began making out with great earnest. Poor Hitomi was witness to things no one should ever have to see.

"_My_ _eyes_!" Clapping hands over her now burning eyes, Hitomi stumbled away from the pair. Peeking through her still damaged sight orbs, she gasped as she looked up and saw the now black sky against an eerily familiar tower. In _fact_, it looked just like that cursed Tower Card, y'know, from the Tarot Cards? It didn't help any when the tower exploded violently and the ground beneath gave way, sending her plummeting to her demise.

"Uh… thanks for getting me away from Allen," Hitomi yelled into the darkness whilst falling, "but… WHAT NOW?!" A brilliant flash of light pierced the darkness and began drawing closer. "Allen? Oh no, he's back!" Hitomi began hyperventilating in panic before realizing the approaching figure's hair was much too unkempt and oily to be Allen's.

The boy approaching her had shining white wings, was shirtless, with his face obscured by the darkness. Still, Hitomi could clearly see one important feature of this strange man…

"Whoo! Hotty alert!" Hitomi's heart soared as the angel-boy grabbed her hand, saving her. Everything began fading to white, and Hitomi quickly lost sight of her savior. "Damn! Just when it was getting good!"

Hitomi's eyes snapped open. She was lying on the cool grass, with the night sky above her and a pleasant breeze stirring her hair. Surrounding her was a darkened forest complete with trees and bushes (gee, ya think?). Looking around, she saw Van and Merle huddled around a weakly burning fire, devouring…_sticks_?

"See, Merle? They're okay! I'm getting my daily requirement of fiber!" Van said around his mouthful of wooden splinters. Merle only shook her head.

"You're gonna be having bloody stool for a week, Lord Van…" she murmured.

"You're tellin' me!" Van agreed wholeheartedly, still chewing on his twig. Hitomi blushed and pushed herself off the ground.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep," she said, rubbing her eyes. Van coughed.

"Uhh, you weren't 'asleep' so much as 'knocked out'. I mean, we _were_ flying a couple thousand feet in the air and you _were_ trying to strange Merle, so I… you know…" Van failed to meet Hitomi's eyes as Merle chortled. Hitomi's mouth fell open.

"You knocked me _out_? No wonder my head friggin' hurts so much!" Hitomi tenderly rubbed at the now noticeably sore spot on her head. She silently swore to herself to pay Van back tenfold before relenting. "Oh, well. It's fine, I guess." Merle still hadn't stop giggling, which was a little strange. Hitomi stared at her in confusion.

"Ooh, Allen!" Merle said in a mocking tone. "Stay _away_ from me! Don't _touch_ me! Ahahahaha!" Hitomi gasped aloud as she realized she'd been talking in her sleep.

"I was having a nightmare," she explained hastily. "Excuse me! You'd be freaked out if you had a dream with Allen, too!" Merle simply sniffed and stared down her nose at Hitomi.

"Hmph! You _still_ haven't gotten over that guy? You'd better take this more seriously! Don't forget, you were almost sold off by that Mydon guy! And I was thiiis close to getting rid of you! Grr!" The cat girl seethed, fur frizzing wildly.

"Wait… I thought it was the _King_ who tried to sell me?" Hitomi asked, unsure. Merle let off her mental violence and blinked in confusion also.

"…Was it?" She whipped out a copy of the Escaflowne script and quickly flipped to Episode 7. After several moments of intense study, she grunted. "Whaa…? Dammit, now I'm all confused! Let's just ignore it and continue on! It's not like anyone _cares_ about you anyway!"

"Alright, fine!" Hitomi had to restrain herself from smacking the kitty before adopting a wistful look. "Hey… I wonder how much I was _worth_…"

"I bid two bucks!" Merle shot in before anyone could shut her up.

"Knock it off!" Hitomi barked. She looked at Van. "What do _you_ think?"

"You're _priceless_…" Van said dreamily, eyes glued to Hitomi's exposed legs.

WHONK!

"Er… maybe ten bucks…" Van whimpered from his new resting spot on the ground, his head bleeding. Merle snatched up a nearby stick and shoved it into Hitomi's face.

"Here!" Merle explained. "Van really sucks at hunting, so this is dinner." Hitomi tentatively accepted the stick and stared at it quizzically. "We tried to eat some grubs and other gross stuff, but that stupid Joe Roegan from Fear Factor showed up and started yelling stuff, so now this is all we can eat."

"Uh… what if I have to… use the bathroom?" Hitomi ventured, not really wanting to know.

"You got a choice between the thorny branch or the poison ivy," Merle said, gesturing behind her. Hitomi squeezed her eyes shut.

"I think I'll just hold it…" Hitomi peered at Merle. "Or maybe I'll just use _you_."

"Mmm! These are gooood!" Merle was too busy munching on tube-like candies to notice Hitomi insulting her. Hitomi gave a yell of indignation when she recognized what they were.

"Hey! Those are _mine_!" She cried. Merle paused in her meal and stared blankly at Hitomi.

"Oh, I know. That just makes them even _more_ delicious." She peeked down her shirt. "And look, there's more of your crap!" Reaching down her dress, she began pulling out several objects.

"Geez! Whatcha got in there, the kitchen sink?" Hitomi asked, shocked at Merle's ability to store junk in her skirt. The cat-girl ignored her and continued pulling out stuff, including a tube of lipstick and a watch. She stopped and eyed Hitomi.

"You some kind of secret hooker or something?" She asked suspiciously.

"Wha- NO! Shut up! Give those back! When did you steal those, you little sneak?" Hitomi demanded, enraged. Merle had gone back to magically yanking out crap from her dress.

"Mm! _This'll_ taste good!" She purred, holding aloft… Hitomi's pager? Oh, come on! I know Merle is dumb, but she's dumb enough to think that a pager is _food_? _Man_! Despite the author's rant, Merle chomped onto the electronic device without paws (Ha ha. Get it? Paws. Pause. See? Ok, I'll shut up now.).

"That's my _pager_, stupid!" Hitomi hollered as she lunged toward Merle. She tried to tug her pager free, but Merle succeeded in pulling away and hopped up onto the Escaflowne a safe distance from the psycho psychic girl, where she sat and hissed down at her. Hitomi picked herself off of the ground and stood glaring up at her nemesis.

"Get down here, you devil cat!" She challenged, to which Merle simply hissed again.

"Whoooo! Yeah! Come on! Cat fight (no pun intended)! Take it off! Take it off!" Van cheered from the fire, pumping a fist in the air. His mouth snapped shut and he visibly wilted under the burning glares of the two girls. "Er… uh… I love sticks!" He turned away and began attacking his 'dinner' with a vengeance.

-A Few Hours Later-

Merle was curled up atop the Escaflowne, purring in her sleep. Hitomi lay sprawled out on the grass, snoring like a jackhammer. Van stood several yards away from the slumbering girls, cloaked in the shadows, sword drawn and ready for practice. Slowly rotating the shining length of steel, Van glanced at the pair in gentle consideration.

"I'd better be quiet, so I don't wake them up," he thought to himself (Aww! That's so sweet!). "HOOOOO-DAAAAH! HEEEE-YAAAH! KEEEE-YOOOO!" Too bad for the girls that Van's 'practice' consisted of him swinging his blade around wildly while bellowing at the top of his lungs.

"Van! Quit being stupid!" Hitomi grumbled, rolling over and sitting up.

"Yes, ma'am." Van obeyed. Now that she was awake, Hitomi decided to do something random.

"Van," she called over her shoulder, catching his attention. "Look! Don't you think these two look alike?" She held her pink pendant up to the almost identical (but larger) energist set into the Escaflowne Dragon's talon.

"Uh… no?" Van is an idiot. Ignore him.

"Well, they _do_!" Hitomi pouted, a bit miffed at Van's stupidity. He simply scratched his backside obliviously.

"Where'd you get that stone, anyway?" He asked, as there was nothing better to do. Hitomi smiled.

"It's my good luck charm," she said softly. Van grunted.

"So…you stole it, then?"

"No I did not! How dare you imply that… yeah. Yeah, I did. From my senile Granny when she wasn't looking." Hitomi sighed.

"Who else is in your family?" Van asked, curious. If Hitomi was this messed up on her own, just think what her family was like!

"Well…" Hitomi sat back onto the ground and thought. "There's mom and dad, and I have a little brother." She paused and made a face. "Wait… I have a little brother? Then why the _hell_ haven't I ever even _seen_ the little bastard before? My mom or dad either! Damn, that's weird!"

"A mother and a father…" Van echoed quietly to himself.

"My stupid little brother is such a brat," Hitomi continued. "He's always mouthing off and getting me into trouble! He told mom about my stash of weed, and about when I cheated on that damn Math test! And _mom's_ always like, 'Hitomi, you're his big sister! Hitomi, you're a girl! Hitomi, you're in High school!' Damn brat! Just because I'm the oldest…" Hitomi hugged her knees to her chest. And no, she still wasn't done yet. "All dad ever does is sit there and laugh at us! Gawd, I _hate_ my family!" Van's face split into a rare smile.

"That sounds like a horrible family. Makes me feel a little better," he thought to himself. Hitomi hugged herself tighter.

"I wonder how they're doing now…" she whispered. "Mom and dad… they must really miss me…"

-Back on Earth-

"I get Hitomi's room!" Hitomi's little brother crowed, flinging his arms up.

"I claim her stereo!" Hitomi's mother shot in. Hitomi's father scowled.

"That's no fair! …Fine! Then I get her pot!" The three held hands and danced in a circle of celebration.

-Back on Gaea-

Hitomi sniffled. Thinking about her stupid family actually made her feel a bit homesick. Van decided to try and cheer her up with his own depressing description of his family, if you'd call it that.

"My mom and dad both died when I was little…" Van began, before (predictably) bursting into tears. Hitomi stopped crying and stared at the sobbing boy in a mixture of pity and embarrassment. "What with Fanelia all burned to the ground and Balgus dead, _she's_ all that I have left." Van looked up at the napping Merle. Hitomi suddenly understood.

"Oh. So _that's_ why you always keep her around, huh?" Hitomi shrugged. "Well, what about that 'brother' guy? You know, the Goth dude?" Van immediately stopped crying as his internal rage meter rose to the boiling point.

"Shut up! He is NOT my brother!" Van exploded, causing Hitomi to flinch away in surprise. "He's a stinkin' traitor! Ten years ago, he was supposed to go out and be horribly eviscerated and devoured by a rabid dragon, but _noooo_! He just _had_ to survive and become a freakin' _Vampire_! Damn those Zaibach bastards! They even tried to _kill_ me!" Van covered his face with his hands and collected himself with visible effort. Peeking through his fingers at Hitomi, he saw that she was terrified out of her mind after his mental break down. "…Sorry. I shouldn't have carried on like that."

"Ya damn right!" Hitomi stated before she could stop herself. "Er… I mean, no problem. It's okay. So… what are you going to do now?" Van, still sniffling softly, began walking over toward Hitomi.

"Well, I- _oooops_! I fell over!" Van faked getting his foot caught on a root and threw himself onto the paradise of Hitomi's lap. The paradise quickly became a hell after she rained down blows on his cranium like nobody's business.

"Get the bleep offa me, boy!" Hitomi snarled, shoving the horny King away from her. Van still managed to wriggle closer to the girl before continuing his thoughts of the future.

"As I was saying," he said, "I'm not too sure what I'll do, but this whole stupid experience has taught me how much I need to grow. I've found out that I'm a really big wuss, and I need to toughen up."

"You don't say?" Hitomi grated sarcastically. Anyone with eyes could tell Van was a pansy at the first glance.

"What about you, Hitomi?" Van asked out of the blue. The girl jumped in surprise, not expecting Van to actually care about her wellbeing.

"Huh? M-me? Uh… I don't know…" Hitomi lay down onto the cool grass and stared up at the star-lit night sky. "There's no way I'm going back to Allen's country, not after that jerk cheated on me like that…" Van made a sound of agreement.

"I know Zaibach is after me," he said softly, also laying on his back and gazing at the stars, "But…do you want to come with us…and be almost massacred every day?"

"Really?" Hitomi asked, taken aback at Van's kindness.

"Sure," Van said, shrugging. "I might need your help some day. And by 'help', I mean 'body shield'." He rubbed his nose and began speaking in an emotion-filled voice. "There's one thing I know for sure. I'm gonna help you find your way back home, no matter what. I…I've never felt this way about someone, you know? I mean, you look and you look, and when you're finally ready to give up, the person you've been looking for runs right into you! That's…that's how I feel about you, Hitomi. I…I think that…I lo-"

"HROOOONK!" Van's touching speech was rudely interrupted with a loud snore. Van's head whipped toward Hitomi and saw that she had fallen asleep. He bit his lip to suppress his inner rage.

"Dammit! Fine, be that way, ho! It's your loss!" He rolled away from her and began crying again. "I just wanna be loved…"

-In Palace, Austuria-

The sun rose majestically in Palace, blanketing the thriving city in its golden rays. People walked the streets, chatting noisily with neighbors or jogging along on an errand of some kind. The city had recovered nicely from Dilandau's abuse, and the rich port town was almost all better now. Seagulls still swooped down at the sparkling ocean, and the large green buildings stood at attention. Something, however, also rose along with the morning sun. Something that looked suspiciously like those adorable jellyfishes…

_Holy crap_! Zaibach Floating Jellyfishes were everywhere! The mechanical behemoths dotted the sky with their vast numbers, hovering in what would have been a threatening way if they hadn't been so darn cute. The populace of Palace agreed wholeheartedly.

"Hey! Look, a jellyfish! Isn't it cute?" One person said, pointing up at the floating juggernaut. A little girl giggled.

"Aww! I want one!" She laughed.

"Look! That one over there looks like a crab!" A grown man squealed (oh, geez). Soon everyone was laughing and pointing at the Floating Jellyfish and their undeniable cuteness.

"Damn you all! Be scared, you stupid people!" A Zaibach soldier grated his teeth in frustration at the fearless inhabitants of Palace. The people continued with their laughter from the docks and boats while more Jellyfish clouded the sky.

"Noooobody knows… the trouble I've seeeen… Noooobody knows… my sorrow…" Allen Schezar sang to himself, seated on the hard bench that adorned the wall of his jail cell. He'd been thrown in last night, after he'd saved the damn city from the psychotic Dilandau, and he had a strange feeling that this was not quite right. Pulling out a harmonica from somewhere on his person, he resumed his song while blowing into the instrument. He halted shortly after and stared at it cautiously. "Wait… didn't I get this from Pyle? _Ewww_." He chucked it into a darkened corner and glanced out the window. Even from the tiny hole he could see the sky darkening with jellyfish shapes. "They're massing to invade… Good thing I'm safe in this jail cell."

-Inside the Palace of Palace (Aw, Geez, Not This Again)-

King Aston gulped down his wine, desperately trying to get himself slum drunk so he wouldn't have to listen to his daughter's incessant rambling. She'd been going on and on for more than twenty minutes and he could already feel his brain cells committing suicide.

"Tell me _why_, father!" Millerna pleaded, stomping her foot in childish anger. "Why did you throw my beloved Allen into the dungeon? Couldn't you have just put him in a room? The man's too stupid to find his way out anyway! He's like a child!" King Aston sighed and lowered his wine glass.

"Re_lax_! He's perfectly safe there! He probably prefers it in there where it's safe, rather than out here where the danger is. Besides, it's not going to kill him…" He turned to the side and whispered ominously, "…Not _yet_…"

"Uh, I can hear you." Millerna tapped her foot impatiently and crossed her arms. "What do you think Allen's going to do?"

"How about de-flower my precious little princess?" King Aston stated without missing a beat.

"Ya got me there, pops!" Millerna said truthfully. King Aston scowled and continued.

"He also aided the Escaflowne in its escape-"

"I wouldn't call _that_ 'aide', per say-"

"SILENCE!" King Aston bellowed, slapping the tabletop with one meaty hand. "He's also defying my new bi-otch, Zaibach, which is totally unacceptable! The man is loony, Milly!"

"_You're_ the one who's loony, daddy!" Millerna shot back. "How could you team up with Zaibach? Look at you! You've got bruises! Let me guess! Did you 'fall down the stairs' again? Or did you 'run into the door' this time?"

"Quiet! He'll hear you!" King Aston quickly hushed his daughter and cast frightened glances around. "I… I love Zaibach… It's just that… he sometimes… hits me… and yells things, horrible things… oh, _God_…" The King dissolved into tears and sobbed with his face in his hands. "If Marlene were still alive, I wouldn't have allowed them passage, but… there's just no helping it!"

"If only Marlene were alive?" Millerna asked, the gears in her mind working. They were quite rusty and cracked. Not to mention something burning could be smelled. "Wait! Zaibach… is going to attack everyone named Marlene, aren't they! The heartless _bastards_!"

"Heavens to Betsy, you're slow!" King Aston growled, lifting his head to glare at his daughter. "Zaibach is going to attack the Duchy of Freid!"

"Hee hee. 'Duchy.' That's a funny word." Millerna began giggling to herself. "Ooh, sparklies!" She noticed the shiny utensils on the table for what seemed like the first time and began to admire herself in the reflection.

"Help me…" King Aston whispered to no one in particular. He cleared his throat and tried again. "A princess must think about the future of her country."

"Oooh! Look at all the jellyfish!" Millerna squealed, pressing her face against the glass of the window and gazing at the fortresses swarming the sky. King Aston sighed and gave up.

"Yep. Look at 'em."

-At Some Sort of Mine Somewhere-

At some sort of mine somewhere (damn, did I just say that?), sweating men grunted loudly (damn, this sounds dirty) as they pushed rail carts full of rubble along tracks (phew, it's okay now). Pristine white bones gleamed from the red rock beds as other men were at work with shovels and pickaxes, digging at the soil and prying free crystal orbs from the skeletons. Zaibach soldiers and dusty Guymelefs stood at attention close by, keeping a wary eye on the workers.

"We've received a message from General Adelphos," one soldier reported, saluting his Commander, who faced away from him. "He says, 'Energists are in short supply. Move your fannies and speed up the excavation and transport, you lazy good for nothings. Buy mother some milk, bread, and cheese. Don't forget the cream for the huge wart on my ass.' Oops. He wrote his grocery list by accident." The soldier coughed nervously. "Uh… Commander?"

The Commander was a tall, skeletal man (?) with (aw, _geez_) pink wavy hair, a red vest with puffy sleeves, and dark pants. He was almost as feminine as Allen, if that were possible. A beautiful green boa was twined around his neck and torso, hissing softly to herself. The Commander (I gotta call him that because they never say his freakin' name) whirled around at the soldier's attempt to get his attention.

"Quiet, you fool! I was _thinking_!" He savagely kicked the pitiable soldier in the face and turned away, pouting. "Those bastards don't even _care_ about what happens to us! They have no idea how hard this is! Those inconsiderate jerks! Hunh?" The Commander's head snapped up as a shadow passed overhead. The silhouette of a dragon flew across the bright sun, which would seem to be rather strange, right? Wrong. "Oh, it's just a Dragon," the Commander said calmly. He waited several seconds. "AAAAUGH!"

The so-called Dragon flying above the quarry was (you guessed it!) Van, Merle, and Hitomi ridin' on the Escaflowne, in Dragon Form. Poor Van. He didn't get to sing his little song. Van stood at the helm, steering his ride with the reins. Hitomi stood behind him, holding onto his waist. Merle was crouched in front of Van, and enjoying it immensely.

"Lemme tell ya," she purred, "I've got a _great_ view from he-"

Stomp! Van quieted the cat girl with a well-aimed kick to the face.

"Back off, Merle!" He growled, tightening his hold on the reins. "Ahem! This place is the Dragon's Graveyard!"

"You're reading was way off!" Merle snapped, glaring up at Hitomi. "This is _sooo_ not Mcdonalds! Can't you do _anything_ right?"

"But the cards said this was a good direction to travel," Hitomi protested.

"Yeah, like up your butt?"

"Shut up! _You_ try being psychic!"

"Quit fighting!" Van interjected, stopping the battle. "Don't worry," he told Hitomi, "your prediction was fine. I'm takin' us in!" Van yanked back on Esca's reins and began landing the Guymelef. Both girl's eyes widened and they exchanged a glance.

"Van's lost it!" They said together.

-Back at Palace-

Allen sat safe and snug in his safe little jail cell, content with being away from the action and accompanying danger. Here, no one was running at him, sword drawn and screaming for his blood. There were also no shameless Princesses throwing themselves at him, which Allen saw as both a blessing and a curse. This rare moment to himself was not wasted at any cost – a brush quickly appeared and now his hair gleamed beautifully. His clothes had also been cleaned, and Allen had never felt better. Thank goodness no one would _dream_ of breaking him out of jail. They'd _better_ not…

"P-Princess Millerna?" The guard… _guarding_ Allen's cell asked in confusion. "What are you doing down here?"

"Dammit." Allen squeezed his eyes shut and wished to be left alone as hard as he could. Needless to say, it didn't work.

"It's alright!" Millerna soothed, coming down the stairs into the dungeon. "Don't worry, I have daddy's permission!" The guard didn't believe it for a second.

"Oh, my _ass_! I haven't heard anything about that!" The guard narrowed his eyes suspiciously while Millerna bit her lip in frustration.

"Darn it! Serpentine, Gaddess!" She rushed past the guard and ran in a S-shaped pattern, skillfully confusing and getting behind him. Turning, she struck a pose and barked out, "Switch to Plan B, Gaddess! Hit it!"

Gaddess appeared from the stairway with a portable stereo and, placing it on the ground, pressed the 'play' button. Immediately, skanky, sexy, and utterly inappropriate music spilled from the speakers as Millerna began to dance in a rather sexually explicit way, striping off her clothes and singing along to Christina Aguilera's song, 'Dirrty'.

"_Temperature's up, about to erupt! Gonna get my girls, get your boys, gonna make some nooooise! Wanna get… rowdy! Gonna get a little un… ruly! Get it fired up in a… hurry! Wanna get dirty! It's about time for my arrival!"_

Both Gaddess', the guard's, and Allen's jaws fell open and their eyes bugged out at Millerna' exploits. She actually seemed to be enjoying herself.

"Woah!" Allen gasped.

"P-Princess!" The guard wailed, blushing fiercely.

"Hot damn!" Gaddess sputtered out before remembering he was supposed to do something while Millerna was distracting the guard. He unceremoniously smashed the excited guard over the head with a large club. "Hah! Gotcha!" Reaching over, he punched the 'stop' button, then looked at Millerna. She continued to dance and sing even without the music. "Uh… Princess? You can stop now."

"_Sweat drippin' over my_- huh? Oh. Well why didn't you say so?" Millerna froze in the middle of grinding her hips and removing one of her gloves. She stooped over (the men nearly fainted) and gathered up her clothing. She looked at the guard in concern. "You sure he's out?"

"Yeah. I'll hit him again to make sure." True to his word, Gaddess hit the unconscious man again with his club. Thwack! Gaddess paused. …Thwack Thwack Thwack!

"Okay, enough! Any more and he'll get brain damage!" Millerna had to catch hold on Gaddess' weapon to halt the assault. Allen's Second-in-Command was breathing heavily, eyes wide. "You've got some unresolved anger problems, man."

"That's what I get for having an idiot as my Captain…" Gaddess grumbled to himself.

"Uh, thanks bunches, guys…" Allen called out from the sanctity of his cell. "Now how 'bout leavin' the same way you came in?"

"Not a chance, sir."

-Back at the Dragon Graveyard-

"What's the Dragon's Graveyard?" Hitomi asked as the three companions peeked at the quarry from their hiding place among the boulders. After Van had skillfully landed/crashed the Escaflowne into the nearby forest, the two girls and boy had snuck up on the encampment and were now spying on the soldiers. Van was expert in all things hiding, anyway.

"Gee, I dunno," Merle drawled, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "It's where monkeys come to get their hair cut. It's where Dragons come to _die_, stupid!"

"Oh." Hitomi felt a little foolish at not realizing this obvious fact. "Okay, so why are they digging?" Indeed, a number of the men were scratching at the earth with pickaxes and shovels for some unknown reason.

"Ooh! Ooh! I know this one!" Van threw one of his arms up, eyes sparkling with delight. "Pick me! Pick meee! I know it!"

"Uh… you?" Hitomi hesitated before choosing Van to answer her question. Anything to get him to shut up.

"They're diggin' because… um… I know this, I do! Because… um… don't tell me! Don't tell me! It's… uh…." Van was apparently having a brain fart.

"They're mining the energists from the Dragon fossils," Merle answered, saving Van from damaging himself by thinking to hard. Van scowled and glared at Merle.

"Dang it! I was just about to say that!" He froze as what Merle had just said sank in. "Wait… you mean I could have gotten my freakin' energist from _here_? Does this mean I went all the friggin' way to the Messed-up Moon for _nothing_? Son of a-"

Smack! Both girls slapped the back of his head to halt his cursing. Van grumbled a little, then began watching the soldiers again, counting the Guymelefs to see what he was up against.

"Okay… seven Guymelefs…" he observed. Hitomi sighed.

"You counting your own, dumbass."

"Oh, I am?" Van looked back at the Escaflowne, who peeped out of the forest, then back at the mine. "I am. Whoops. Okay, then. Six. Six Guymelefs." Hitomi was still wasn't sure what the miners were doing.

"What do they _do_ with the energists after they dig 'em up?"

"Geez!" Merle spat, getting fed up with Hitomi's incessant questioning. "Who the heck _are_ you, Regis Filbman on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'"

"Isn't it that lady now?"

"You get my point! Just quit asking questions!"

"So… in other words, you don't know," Hitomi stated. Merle simply hissed at the girl and turned away. Besides, it was Van's turn to answer.

"They use them as power sources in Guymelefs," he explained expertly.

"Oh, so they're like batteries?" Hitomi asked. Van stared at her blankly for several moments.

"Girl, what the bleep is a battery?"

"Forget it." Hitomi waved her hand in the air. "So, those are energists… but wait… what about your…?"

"Yeah, my Escaflowne is powered by an energist, too," Van said smugly. "But mine is _soooo_ much more kick-ass that anyone else's!"

"Yeah, right…"

"And the _proper_ name for them is Drag-Energist," Van corrected in a nerdy voice, pushing up glasses that suddenly appeared on his face.

"Shut up, Professor McDork!" Hitomi resisted the urge to shatter Van's glasses. "Okay, _now_ tell me what a Drag-energist is."

"Dude. We just went over this like, two seconds ago. They power Guymelef and Leviships."

"…Oh."

"You done now?" Van asked, eyebrows raised and arms crossed. Hitomi nodded.

"Yeah, I think I'm good. …Damn, that was boring."

"Well, we managed to fill up a whole page." Van commented.

"…What?"

"Nothing." Van scuttled toward the edge of their hideout. "I won't let Zaibach do as they please. You two stay here." Van gave a quick glance at the girls over his shoulder. "Don't… you know… lie and say you will, then follow me when I leave and then save my ass when I'm in a bad situation… or anything…"

"Uh, Van…" Hitomi was no fool. "We'll go with you if you want us to so badly, ya chicken."

"Really? You'll hold my hand, too?" Van's eyes lit up.

"Bah… okay…"

-Back to Palace!-

Allen clutched desperately at the seat as the rickety carriage he was currently riding in jostled and jolted up the steep, rocky hill face. Gaddess really needed some driving lessons. The poor man couldn't steer for crap. Instead of avoiding potholes and the like, the Second-in-Command was strangely drawn to them. Allen made a mental note to not ever let him drive any vehicle ever again. He suddenly realized that Millerna had been speaking to him and naturally, he hadn't been listening. So, he simply repeated what he'd last heard her say.

"Freid?" He said seriously, hoping she wouldn't see through his bluff. And naturally, she didn't.

"That's _right_! Zaibach's going to attack the Duchy-" Millerna stopped to giggle at the silly title, "…of Freid! You're _so_ smart, Allen!" The flaxen-haired Knight thanked the stars Millerna was so dim and almost burst a blood vessel memorizing that _Zaibach + Duchy Bad. _He shook his head and blinked a few times to clear the ringing before hearing Millerna speaking again. "Daddy's just going to watch while his new bi-otch kills his own grandson! How can he be so cruel?"

"It won't be the first child he's allowed to get effed up," Allen observed, staring accusingly at Millerna. She was too busy examining her nails to notice. After several seconds and the decision that her thumbnail was indeed intact and perfect, she continued her little speech.

"Allen, you're the only one who can stop this!" She paused dramatically. "In other words, you're our _Keanu Reeves_."

"Who?"

"Never mind." Millerna pouted, sad that her performance had been ruined. "But I _will_ stay by your side. _Forever_." Allen flinched visibly at that last statement.

Aboard the still docked Crusade, Allen's misfit crew was getting bored. And when they got bored, they got stupid(er).

"When's the Boss comin'? I'm bored!" Pyle whined.

"He better hurry before we get drunk, take off our clothes, and set them on fire." Reeden, eyeing the numerous bottles of whiskey lining the shelves.

"That, and those gay Austurian soldiers are gonna notice us," Kio pointed out. He glanced out the window and leapt up in surprise. "There he is!" The well-worn carriage came barrel-assing up the mountain road, nearly flipping over due to its tremendous speed, with Gaddess at the helm, gripping the reins and almost falling out of his seat. He managed the turn the carriage before it rolled, then quickly smashed it into one of the large boxes dotting the landing area. It wasn't a pretty sight.

"You owe me fifty bucks, man," Reeden stated, poking Pyle's shoulder. He growled.

"Dammit, Gaddess! Learn to drive already!" He snarled, forking over the dough.

"Commander! We've arrived!" Gaddess called weakly, picking himself up out of the crater he'd created when he was thrown from the now desecrated carriage. Allen was forced to kick open one of the doors (okay, Millerna actually did it, Allen didn't want to get his new boots dirty) so he and the Princess could crawl out of the smoking wreckage. Millerna gasped aloud as the last person she wanted stood several feet away.

"Oh, bleeps! It's my sister!" She cried, horrified. "Damn her!" If there was any woman on the face of the earth who was resistant to Allen's charms, it was Princess Eries.

"Millerna!" Eries stormed forward, jaw set and eyes blazing. "Get your spoiled ass back to the Castle this instant! Now, young lady! MARCH!"

"Noooooo!" Millerna latched onto Allen's arm like a parasite. "_Neeever_! I've made up my mind, Eries! I'm leaving with Allen and we're gonna leave the country! And then we'll get married and have ten kids and a big white house with a red door and a tire swing in the front yard and a cute doggy named Sparky and- _eeeep_!" Millerna's tirade ended in a squeal of protest as Allen suddenly scooped up the Princess in his arms. Millerna couldn't be more pleased. "Allen! Woah, there, stud! We can't do this _here_, of all places! Not in _front_ of everyone! Not _outside_! …Oh, alright! Take me, big daddy!" She closed her eyes and waited.

"Hmm…" Allen screwed his face up, then quickly gave her a peck on the lips, after which he unceremoniously chucked her back into the shattered wagon like a fish into a barrel.

"Allen, you butt-hole!" Millerna screeched as he slammed the door shut on her. He gave the horses pulling the wagon (they had miraculously survived the crash) a smack on the rump, sending them dashing back the way they'd come.

"Go, you dumb horses! Go, and don't you ever, _ever_ stop!" He called after the retreating beasts.

"Alleeeen!" A scream of despair like no other echoed from the disappearing carriage. Or, rather… the _returning_ carriage.

"Those stupid horses turned around…" Gaddess sighed, then stiffened. "Dammit, and she's bringing some Austurian soldiers with her!"

"So much for the romantically dramatic exit!" Allen cursed and turned toward the Crusade. Opening his mouth, he hollered, "Run, everyone! Run from _Princess Millerna_!" That certainly got the crew going in a jiff.

Gaddess was issuing orders to the crewmen from the nearby speaking tube. "Set sail and get moving! I know you can hear me, Reeden! Stop laughing and get to work! Commander!" He looked over his shoulder at Allen. "Quit flirting, sir! We have to _go_!" Allen looked up from Eries' hand, which he'd been kissing.

"Oh, fine!" With one more wink and parting kiss to the appendage, he dashed toward the airship as the Austurian cavalry drew near.

"_Man_, he's a loser," Princess Eries said, voice thick with disgust as she wiped the contaminated hand clean on her dress. She'd burn it later. She gazed up at the Crusade, which rose majestically into the air and began to speed off into the distance.

Millerna smashed the door of the now halted carriage like the Incredible Hulk and stomped out. She glared after the Crusade and shook her fist at it in rage.

"Allen, you _will_ be mine! I'll get you, my pretty! And your little psychic girl, too! Eeeehee hee hee!" She began cackling insanely, causing the horses to whiney if fright and shy away. She shifted her anger to the terrified animals and advanced, eyes flashing. "Shut it, you camels!"

-Back at the Mine Again-

The Commander (you know, the really gay-lookin' one) stood before one of the Zaibach soldiers, eyes watering and throat choked.

"Look, right now is a very emotional time for me! I'm on my period and I just finished talking with my mother-" he began.

"You're on your _what_?!" The soldier backed away hastily.

"Don't interrupt me, dammit!" The Commander soundly slapped the man and shoved him away. He blinked as once again a shadow eclipsed him. Glancing skyward, he saw the familiar silhouette of a Dragon in the air above. "_Another_ Dragon. Boooring. Hmm?" He noticed the shadow growing steadily bigger, as if it was coming closer. "I'm only going to wait _three_ more seconds before freaking out. One… two… three. AAAAUUGH!"

"Yeeeehawwww!" Van crowed atop the Escaflowne, yanking at the reins with one hand and waving his cowboy hat in the other. Riding the buckin' melef, he crashed through the encampment, havoc and mayhem in his wake. As the Dragon touched down, it morphed once again into Guymelef mode. Van was too busy whooping in exhilaration to sing his little transformation song.

"What the hell? A Guymelef?" The Zaibach soldiers did as all do in disastrous situations; ran around in circles. This suited Van just fine, as he'd rather they not try to fight back.

"It's an attack!" One stunningly perceptive soldier cried in dismay. Another looked at him, disgust clear on his face.

"No, it's a tea party, stupid!" He barked out sarcastically, which the dumb soldier failed to pick up on.

"Oh, really?" He asked gleefully. "Because I have the _cutest_ dress that would-"

"Shut up already!" The other soldier clapped his hands over his ears, not wanting to hear any more as nasty images invaded his mind. "Send out the garrison!"

A dirty green Guymelef charged at the Fanelian King, sword flashing at his unprotected flank. Van moved instinctively and loped off the unfortunate melef's arm.

"Yeaaah! Scissors beats paper, suckaaahs!" Van cheered, giddy with cockiness. Another Guymelef attacked from the rear, but Van whirled around and stabbed it smoothly through its energist, causing it to collapse and congeal into a steaming pool of glistening silver goo. Van was not pleased. "Eeew. That's just gross, man. Now I've got Guymelef guts all over my feet. Huh?" Van looked off to the right and spied something that began with the letter E. It was an Energist Storehouse. Thousands of energists lay in great heaping piles up to the ceiling of a small building. It was almost as if there were a big sign on it that said, 'Destroy Me!' "Oh, yeah! Demolition time, baby!" Van sang joyfully. "Woah!"

A large crane had managed to catch Van from behind and gripped him harder than Merle (and that's saying a lot). Van growled and countered by chopping the mechanized claw off, sending into crashing to the ground. It narrowly missed falling on the Commander, who'd been witnessing the spectacle from below. He shrieked and leapt aside just in time to escape death. He peeked out from behind the chunk of metal and regarded the still fighting white Guymelef.

"Hey! That must be the Escaflowne that Dilandau is after!" The Commander smirked in triumph. "We know each other since we swap hair and skin care secrets! Shh!" He held a finger to his lips and winked at the audience, who vomited noisily.

"Oh, I'll _bet_ you do…" One rather courageous/stupid soldier remarked.

"Quiet!" A sharp kick to the groin remedied the soldier's uppity-ness.

Hitomi and Merle watched the brawl from the safety of the rocky cliffs, cheering Van on and being bored out of their minds at the same time.

"Is he gonna be okay?" Hitomi asked, concerned for Van's safety. He was the only one who could drive a Guymelef to get them outta that place.

"I hope so," Merle replied, thinking exactly the same thing. Her ears twitched and eyes widened as a small red lizard suddenly popped up in front of her. Just in time, too, for she'd gotten a little hungry. "Yummy! Snack time!" Merle slapped a paw down on the unfortunate reptile, which squealed in fright and wriggled wildly.

"Eeeek! Secret-Lizard-Tail-Ninjutsu!" The lizard yelped, its captured tail snapping off, freeing him. He scurried away as quick as his little stubby legs could allow and hid under a rock. Merle stared at the tail and wondered if it would be any good to eat.

"Eww. Gross. That's not freakin' fair," she whimpered, casting the tail deemed unworthy to eat aside.

"Damn, this episode is really boring," Hitomi complained.

"Yeah, tell me about it," the Zaibach soldier sitting behind them agreed. Merle nodded along with them. Wait, _Zaibach soldier_?!

"Aaaaaugh!" The two girls threw themselves away from the man as he remembered his mission and lunged at them. He caught them both firmly by the arms and started to stand. He quickly learned that Merle didn't like to be touched by males other than Van.

"Cat attack!" Merle launched herself at her assaulter and ruthlessly clawed him with her sharp feline nails. It worked rather well. Crying out in pain, the soldier let go of her arm and she sped past him, away up the cliffs. As she ran, she called back to Hitomi, "Hey! I see now! It's like I'm the lizard, and you're the tail! It's a metaphor! Later, sucker!" She high-tailed (or rather, cat-tailed, ah hah hah. …Sorry) it outta there.

Hitomi, meanwhile, was being traumatized by her experience. "Bad touch, bad touch!" She screamed, hammering at her opponent with her fist. She glared at Merle's retreating form. "I'll give _you_ a friggin' metaphor, you cold-hearted brat!"

Van, oblivious to Hitomi's peril, continued his battle with the enemy melefs, knocking one over onto several wheelbarrows laden with energists, causing them to spill and create a mess.

"Aww, and I just alphabetized them!" One soldier whined. Van stared at him incredulously.

"How the _hell_ do you alphabetize energists?" He asked.

"Uh… I dunno. But I am NOT cleaning that up!" The soldier retorted.

"…"

Smash! Van stomped on the fool to silence him. Noticing a fiery-eyed bulldozer closing in, he snatched up his cape and used it like the red sheet of fabric that matadors teased bulls with. "Toro! Toro! Oley!" The bulldozer sped past Escaflowne, missing the cape and whirling around in fury to dash at him again.

"That will be _enough_!" A sharp voice cut through the air, stopping Van in his tracks. Looking out Esca's visor and over the melef's shoulder, he saw the Commander standing nearby with a trussed up Hitomi standing next to him. Van stood still for several seconds before resuming his fight with the bulldozer.

"Oley, bitch!"

"HEY!!" The Commander cried, confused. "I've got your little girlfriend here!" Van studied them again.

"…So?"

"So I'll hurt her unless you stop!" The Commander raised an eyebrow and somehow managed to glare up at Van at the same time. Van pondered this for several seconds before turning to give the bulldozer one final blow before relenting.

"Okay, I'm done." Van stuck out his lower lip at Hitomi. "Gee, _thanks_, Hitomi. Just when I was having fun, too. Why do I _always_ have to save your ass?"

"Because I always save _yours_," Hitomi answered without hesitation.

"Touché."

-Several Minutes Later-

Van screamed in pain, flinching and flailing around in agony, eyes squeezed tightly shut as he writhed against the hurt. The pain was unimaginable. This wasn't possible, there was no way he could stand it. He screamed again as-

"Uh, kid? I haven't even started hitting you yet." The Zaibach soldier whispered, standing alongside Van and holding a bat. Van stopped screaming and cautiously cracked an eye open, peering at him.

"…R-Really?"

"Don't hurt him!" Hitomi cried and surged forward, only to be held back by several other soldiers standing beside her. Her hands were still tied behind her, but still, she had to do something to help Van. "He's just a little wuss! Please! It's like beating up a three-year-old, for God's sake!"

Merle watched the horrific display of cowardice from beneath a large contraption that was her new hiding place. She chewed nervously on her lip, anxious for Lord Van's safety.

"Ah… poor Lord Van… this is all Hitomi's fault! Grr!"

The Commander sauntered up to Van and slung an arm onto his shoulder like they were long time friends. Grinning evilly, he leaned in closer.

"_So_! You're the Dragon that Emperor Dornkirk is looking for, eh? Come on, buddy! You can talk to _me_!" Van made a face and desperately tried to put some distance between him and the other man (?).

"…Dude… your breath… really reeks…" he gasped out, fighting the gag reflex. The Commander scowled and slapped him as expected.

"What are you after?" The Commander questioned, still interrogating his captive. "How did you find out about this place?" Van thought back the to flyer he'd received and the huge-ass sign sitting right outside the mine that read 'Illegal Energists, 50 off! All this week! Come on in! Just don't tell anyone! Especially Van Fanel!'.

"Dumb luck?"

Smack!

Wrong answer.

"Unbelievable!" The Commander sighed, turning away from Van and approaching Hitomi. "You have now forced me to show this young lady my big snake-"

"Ewww! Duude! That is dis_gusting_!" Van cried, aghast.

"I meant the one around my _neck_, moron!" The Commander hissed.

"Oh, you _wish_ it was that long-"

"I mean the green animal pet snake around my neck, you nimrod!"

"Oh. Please continue," Van said politely. The Commander turned again to Hitomi.

"This is Nina," he purred, displaying the emerald green serpent twined around his neck. She hissed softly. "Isn't she cute?"

"Yeah, she is." Hitomi smiled at the pretty snake. The Commander's jaw fell open.

"Wha… NO! You're a _girl_! You're supposed to be all scared and scream 'Eww! Not snakes! _Gross_!' And crap like that!" He growled. Hitomi gulped.

"Uh… ew? Gross?" She tried.

"Yes, _perfect_!" The Commander smirked sadistically. He stroked Nina on her smooth head. "One bite from her, and you're dead. But don't worry, she listens to me-"

"_Hssst_!" Nina struck out and bit a nearby Zaibach soldier, who shrieked like a banshee and fell to the ground. For several minutes after, he writhed and foamed at the mouth, clawing at the air and pretty much dying in the most horrible way possible. Once he'd stopped twitching, the Commander cleared his throat.

"Or not." He glanced at the other infantrymen behind him. "Can someone get rid of him, please?" One of the men jogged up and dragged the dead man away. Hitomi was in a state of shock. The Commander snapped his fingers in her face to get her attention. When he had it, he pushed his pet toward the psychic girl. "Go on and say hello, Nina!"

Hitomi stifled a gasp as the snake began sliding up her bare legs, a rather disturbing sensation that she did not enjoy.

"Wooah! Help!" Hitomi whimpered. "I'm being molested by a lesbian snake! This is _so_ not cool…"

"Stop! Wait!" Van's head snapped up the moment he heard Hitomi say 'molest' and 'lesbian'. "_I_ wanna molest her! That's not fair!" The snake continued coiling around Hitomi, moving up her legs to wrap around her torso and pause near her face.

"Go on, Nina," the Commander encouraged. "Give her a little kiss."

"Waaaaugh!" Hitomi wailed in despair. "This snake is totally lezzing out on me! Get off! I'm straight, I tell you, _straight_!"

Nina's tongue flicked out and brushed against Hitomi's cheek, tickling her and being damn adorable.

"Awww!" Hitomi giggled and blushed at the gesture. "That's actually really sweet!"

Suddenly, a strange, yet mildly amusing song began blaring from somewhere nearby. The song was Weird Al's 'White and Nerdy.'

_"They see me mowin'… my front lawn! I know they're all thinking I'm so white and nerdy! Think I'm just too white and nerdy! Think I'm just too white and nerdy! Can't you see I'm white and nerdy? Look at me I'm white and nerdy! I wanna roll with… the gangsta's! But so far they all think I'm too white and nerdy!" _

"Holy bleep what the bleep is that?" "It's a demon!" "We're all gonna die!" All the Zaibach soldiers began panicking as they sought vainly to find the source of the disembodied voice.

Merle yelped in surprise, as the song was issuing from inside her dress. She quickly peeked inside to see what was causing the noise.

"What the heck? Do I have a magical singing vagina or something?" She began pulling junk out of her dress and quickly found the source – it was Hitomi's pager! Merle wasted no time and began smashing the contraption onto the hard bedrock until the singing sputtered out and died. She breathed a sigh of relief and glanced back at the others to see how they were faring.

"Hey, it stopped!" That same perceptive soldier remarked cunningly.

"Was it a spy's whistle?" Another asked suspiciously. Behind him, Van _spied_ (ah hah hah once again) the sword tantalizingly jutting from the about-facing guard. It was impossible to resist. And so, Van decided that now was the time to pull off the Uber-Cool Super Move that he could only perform once a episode. Swinging himself (as he was hanging, tied by his wrists to a bar of some kind) toward the oblivious soldier, he kicked out with his foot, sending the sword spinning upward, which spun down to-

"Aaaaaugh! The _pain_!" Van burst into tears, the liberated sword stuck in his shoulder, blood gushing down his arm. "Whhyyy? I always bleeping cut myself! Why did I even _tryyy_? Ohhh, God! I'm _bleeeeding_! Someone get a bleeping doctor already! Dear _lord_!"

-Sword Trick Take Two!-

Van pouted from his hanging place, arm and shoulder wrapped in bandages, standing on a stool so as not to irritate his injured arm. The 'oblivious' soldier now tentatively held out the sword at arms length, waiting for Van to pluck up his courage enough to try kicking it up again. Van sighed and gave it a gentle kick. As the camera swung to a dramatic angle where the sword would usually slice through his ropes and free the young King, an overweight stagehand could be seen leaning over on a ladder and sawing at Van's bonds. The sword hit the ground with a dull thump just as the rusty knife finally cut through the rope, and Van was free! Picking up the sword, Van glared daggers at his newfound enemies.

"You're…" he whispered menacingly, "…all gonna die!" So saying, he leapt forward in a frenzy and began hacking his way through the men. He easily cut them down, one after another. Geez, I thought these guys were hardened veterans, but they seem to be slobbering morons…

"Man. We suck," the perceptive soldier stated. "He's just a spindly eighty pound kid and he's kickin' our asses! I mean, were grown men for cryin' out lo- _AAWWGH_!" Van efficiently sliced off the annoying man's head, ending his babble. The other soldiers would have been grateful but they were too busy being dead. Dashing over to Hitomi, he brought the sword down on the irresistible serpent's neck, killing it (Nooo! Not the cute snake, noooo!).

"Blaaargh! PETA, where the hell are you?! Or even the ASPCA? Dammit!" The snake croaked out before dying. Van rounded Hitomi and slew all the guards around her, too, accidentally (?) bathing her in blood.

"Grr! _My_ psychic lady! _My_ property! _Mine_!" Van, still feral as a wolf, attempted to tinkle on Hitomi, but was greatly discouraged by the smack she aimed at his head (how she did that with her arms still tied behind her is totally beyond me).

"Get that fruity lookin' guy, idiot!" She snapped, booting him in the direction of the Commander, who was drawing his own blade. He gulped nervously.

"Damn. I'm totally screwed. I can't fight for crap," he whispered to himself while desperately thinking of a way out. A light bulb lit up. "I know! I'll just… oooopsies!" Pretending to trip on the obviously flat ground, the Commander over-dramatically threw himself down the nearby embankment, crying out fakely in pain as he rolled. "Ohh! My neck! Ohh! My back! Ohh! My leg!" He finally reached the bottom and rolled to a stop. "I think that I'm… _dying_!" He gurgled loudly and then lay still. Hitomi stared at the man in disbelief.

"Are you _kidding_ me? What kind of dumb-asses does he think we are to believe _that_ crappy acting?" She snorted.

"Oh my dear sweet lord he's _DEAD_!" Van lost all will to fight as fresh tears sprang from his eyes like fountains. "The poor, poor man! I shall honor you always!" He gave the 'dead' man a salute before looking at Hitomi. "Let's go! More soldiers are coming, and my kick-ass meter is runnin' on low!" Hitomi sighed and followed after Van as he scrambled away.

The Commander cracked an eye open and peered around to see if it was safe.

"…They gone yet? …Good." He got on his hands and knees and scuttled away to find some place safe to hide.

Close by, Escaflowne (in Dragon Mode) burst from the forest and took to the skies. Van was onboard and still hungry for more.

"Hmm! Must destroy more crap!" Van caught sight of the Energist Storehouse. "Hulk smash! Bloodlust not yet sated!" Tugging the reins, he steered his valiant steed toward the building. So intent on violence, he didn't notice that the Escaflowne's energist had begun to glow strangely.

As soldiers dashed across a rickety wooden bridge, Hitomi and Merle (where the hell'd _she_ come from?) peeked up out of the ditch they were currently stationed in.

"He's headed for the storehouse!" Hitomi observed. Merle gasped.

"Oh no! Lord Van! Wait… did he _leave_ us here? That jerk!" Merle snarled.

"Hey! _You_ left _me_ first! _You_ jerk!" Hitomi threw herself onto Merle.

"Hmm? My energist is reacting to something!" Van had noticed the now uncanny glow issuing from Esca's energist and was curious as to why it was doing so. "Oh, well! I'm sure they'll explain the reason in a couple episodes! Time to break some stuff!" As Van flew closer to the storehouse, his eyes widened as he saw the energists sitting in the warehouse begin to glow, too. "Oooh! Pretty lights! Er, I mean, what the eff is goin' on?"

KA-BOOOOOM! The storehouse exploded before Van could get closer, scattering debris and dust everywhere. Van coughed as silt clogged his throat, choking him.

"I (cough!) didn't do it (cough!) this time, I (cough!) swear!" He managed between coughs. A large earthquake followed the explosion, with the earth shaking violently and giving way in some places. Most importantly, right under Hitomi's feet!

"Yeeeek!" Hitomi screamed as she plummeted into the cavernous hole that opened beneath her. "Haven't I been through _enough_ today?"

"Hitomi!" Van gasped as he saw Hitomi fall and dove after her aboard the Escaflowne, trying to save her. She continued to scream as she fell headfirst to her death. Van (the lucky devil) had front row seats to the panty show. Blushing furiously, he called out to her.

"Don't worry! I'll save you!" Reaching up, he ripped off his shirt, baring his thin chest. Hitomi watched, confused.

"How is _stripping_ going to help me, dumbass? You're not Millerna! Wait… I wasn't even there! How the hell do I know-" Van, not listening to Hitomi's rant, jumped off Escaflowne's back and reached out to her. "And _jumping_? What the hell, man! It's kinda sweet that you wanna die with me, but come _on_!" Hitomi blinked as a feeling of déjà vu washed over her. "Hmm. This is all vaguely familiar…. Falling. Rocks. Darkness. Shouldn't there be a…"

Beautiful white wings burst from Van's naked back, blooming like flowers as he flew down to Hitomi and took her hand. "There it is! The winged hotty! You're an _angel_!" Hitomi's world went black as she fainted.

-Later-

_"…I'm nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour cream! I was in AV Club and Glee Club and even the Chess Team! Only question I ever thought was hard was "do I like Kirk or do I like Picard?'! Spend everyone weekend at the Renaissance Fair, got my name on my underwear! They see me strollin', they laughin', and rollin' their eyes 'cause I'm so white and nerdy!" _

"Awww… geez, Weird Al… shut up…" Hitomi groaned, picking herself off the hard ground and fumbling for her pager. Snatching it up, she glanced at the screen to see who the hell was paging her. Her heart skipped a beat as she saw the name blinking there. "From… Amano…"

-Back on Earth-

Amano sighed as he hung up the pay phone yet again. No matter how many times he tried, he still got the same busy signal.

"Stupid Carrot Top…" he mumbled, brushing a hand through his shining hair.

"Amano! Hurry your ass up!" One of his stupid friends called. Amano glared.

"Okay! Hang on, geez! I'm tryin' to call my lady who's in another world right now! Gawd! Give a man a minute!" He kicked at the ground in frustration and started toward his friends.

-Back with Hitomi-

"Amano… It's from Amano…" Hitomi sniffled, cradling the pager to her bosom (I'm sure Amano would have liked that). As she cried, soft white feathers began drifting around her, tickling and making her giggle. "Hee hee! V-Van, it's giggle kinda hard for me to cry when tee hee your feathers are tickling me…" She looked over her shoulder at Van, who stood behind her, wings folded.

"Sorry, I'm molting," Van explained. "Pa-kaw!" He began clucking and bobbing his head like a chicken. "Ya got any bird seed? I'm… kinda hungry."

"You're so damn weird…"

-Episode 8 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Gawd, that took me long! This one's the longest one yet! And I'm not happy with it, either! The only funny parts were Millerna's little fiasco and the last quarter of the fic! Darnit! I'll try harder, next time. Read and review, please!


	9. Episode 9: Memories of an Effer

Author's Note: Yeah, here's the next one on the list. Thankfully, my funny was back in full swing, so I didn't have any problems with this episode. I especially like the jokes made about Gaddess's driving skills. I'm awful. Mwahaha. Read and review.

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 9

Memories of an Effer

Recap: Hitomi has scary dreams of Allen and awakens to an even scarier one – Merle! The cat girl, Van, and Hitomi are alone in a forest after fleeing from the burning Palace. The boy King and psychic girl have a heartfelt conversation later that night (okay, Hitomi fell asleep, but it still counts). Zaibach Floating Jellyfish invade Palace while Allen snuggles safely in his jail cell. Millerna busts him out with a busty dance, and Allen drops her like a hot potato before flying off into the sunset on the Crusade. Hitomi and others attack an Energist mine and smash bleep up, until Hitomi gets captured and is used as leverage. Van goes berserk and decapitates the snake that's molesting her, following suit with everyone else in reach, too. The Energist Storehouse explodes (all Van's fault) and Hitomi begins to fall. Van leaps majestically from his Guymelef and grows wings outta his back (holy crap!), swooping down in time to save her. Wow, what the bleep is goin' on? Read on to find out!

Hitomi continued to gaze up at the still head-bobbing Van, whose lovely white wings fluttered and fluffed as he hopped around in search of some birdseed to eat. They were just so pretty! They also accentuated Van's boyish good looks, making him look quite handsome. Adding on to the effect was Van's equally bare chest, which, although quite spindly, was still strong looking. Hitomi blushed in spite of herself.

"They're wings of an angel…" she breathed, staring dreamily at his appendages. Merle gasped from the crater where she'd landed when Van had jumped from the Escaflowne (which had crashed into the ground a few feet away) and leapt up. She glomped Van mid-hop and brought him crashing to the ground, where she immediately began shielding his body with her own.

"Noooo! Don't look! _My_ hot birdy! _Mine_!" Merle hissed defensively and spat at her rival. Hitomi scowled at her.

"Hey, that's not fair!" She protested angrily. "You should _share_ the hotness, you selfish brat!" She stopped her insults short as a soft white feather floated down into her hands. Hitomi cradled it delicately and studied it. "This feather…" She stiffened as visions suddenly exploded into her mind. She saw fleeting images of a beautiful woman with wings like Van, some strange mustached man, the same man lying in a bed, followed by a child-sized Van standing before a grave with a woman, bawling his little eyes out.

"D-d-d-don't cry, m-m-mommy!" Van stuttered out between sobs. "I-I-I'll be sure to annoy you extra h-h-hard from now on! I-It'll be okay!" The woman continued her lamentations, which actually increased in volume after Van's declaration.

"Oh dear sweet lord, why did you leave me all alone with him, darling?" She sobbed into her hands. "_Whyyyy_? I thought you _loved_ me!" The visions petered out and Hitomi blinked a few times to clear her head.

"Oh, geez." Hitomi bit her lip. "Now I feel really bad for that poor lady…" The feather she'd been holding drifted away in the night breeze and up into the sky, where the Escaflowne in its dragon form eclipsed the two moons that hung over Gaia.

-On the Crusade-

The Crusade hummed as it wove its way through a narrow, darkened valley with a forest below. Suddenly, the Crusade weaved dangerously and sank a few feet, grating against the treetops with a loud grinding sound as twigs and leaves flew everywhere. The ship eventually straightened out and pulled up.

"Kio! You _suck_! Let someone else drive!" Reeden barked, glaring at the back of the flinching Kio's head, who stood at the helm, piloting the Crusade.

"I will!" Gaddess volunteered heartily.

"_NO_!" All the other crewmembers yelled in unison.

"We'll let _anyone_ other than _you_ drive, Gaddess," Kio mumbled, squinting his eyes in a vain attempt to see the path before him. "…Even Lyndsay Lohan…"

"Oh, come on, I'm not _that_ bad!" Gaddess protested, deeply hurt. "You guys are so _mean_…" He held back tears with visible effort. "Just wait till you get to your room… come on, Gaddess, just wait till you get to your room…" After collecting himself, he glanced over his shoulder at Allen, who was brooding in the corner. "Commander, this route's gonna be pretty tight soon."

"Mmm. Yeah, like my _ass_." Allen craned his neck back as he admired his own backside. "Damn, I'm _fine_."

"Sir, maybe we should find another route," Gaddess suggested. Allen, naturally, ignored him.

"Stop speaking nonsense!" He said, waving Gaddess's words away. "My awesome powers of awesomeness tell me to… keep going in this direction! All hail me! God of everything awesome!" He raised his arms in exaltation.

"But-" Gaddess attempted to interrupt Allen, a foolish notion as he was in self-worship mode.

"PLUS this is the only way to make it to Freid without being spotted by Zaibach which happens to be our TOPMOST priority."

"You're such a coward…" Gaddess mumbled, hand on his forehead. He sighed and turned away from his idiotic commander, who was still waiting for applause with his arms in the air. "Stay sharp, you dirt-bags!" He ordered, addressing the crewmembers. "We're gonna scare Zaibach witless… by hiding from them and sneaking through this here valley!"

"_Geez_, Gaddess!" The other crewmembers cried, insulted. "Why'd you have to call us _dirt_-bags? You hurt our _feeeeelings_! Gaah!" Several men ran away in tears.

"Oh boy." Gaddess sighed as he felt depression sinking in. Allen didn't notice, as he was too busy having another inner monologue with himself.

"Van… you're coming too, aren't you?" He thought to himself. "We'll meet again in Freid… and that psychic girl with the _sweet_ ass too, I hope!" The Crusade continued its flight through the darkened valley and into the night.

-With (ugh) Princess Millerna-

Mist cloaked the ocean as waves lapped quietly against the side of the boat Princess Millerna occupied. It was a large trading vessel, and she'd annoyed the captain till he'd relented and agreed to give her a ride. She stood at the bow, dressed in her funny habit/nun outfit, and stared out at the gloomy waters of the bay.

"Sister…" she sighed to herself was she recollected memories of her leaving.

Flashback Time!

Millerna stood on a small walkway that led out to a boat floating in one of the numerous canals of Palace. The Moleman waited patiently behind her as the spoiled Princess faced her ultimate nemesis, Princess Earies- er, Eries. Stupid ear-jewelry.

"You can't stop me! I've made up my mind!" Millerna argued heatedly, staring boldly at her older sister, who raised a slim eyebrow at her claim.

"Oh, really? Then you won't stay for…" she reached into her dress and produced a shining golden necklace. "_This_?" Millerna eyes widened at the sparklies and took an involuntary step forward, but managed to stop herself.

"N-no! Not even that! Though it is really _shiney_…" Millerna forced herself to keep her legs locked and not run to the jewelry that seemed to call her name. Eries gave up and placed it back into her dress with an audible whimper from her sister.

"You're abandoning your country?" Princess Eries asked, voice dripping with disdain. "You're helpless on your own! You can barely _feed_ yourself, let alone survive in this world!"

"Stop treating me like I'm a child!" Millerna pouted and stomped her foot. "I'm an adult!" She stopped to insert her thumb into her mouth and suck vigorously while twining a lock of her hair between her fingers.

"Yes, an adult with a two year old's brain…" Eries mumbled, staring incredulously at her sister. Millerna let go of both hair and thumb as she began ranting again.

"Why do you and daddy _always_ have to be like this? Constantly making decisions for me, without asking my opinion first!"

"Because you're an _idiot_!" Eries shot in, growing tiring of this. Millerna was taken aback.

"Oh. I thought I was indecisive, but I don't know…"

"It was for your own good," Eries explained, cutting off Milly's ramblings, who gasped in anger at that last remark.

"Like making me give up my medical studies?" She hissed accusingly. Princess Eries's jaw fell open and her shoulders sagged in disbelief.

"You were _killing_ all your patients!" She cried. "People were _begging_ us to stop you!"

"I just wanted to _help_ people! Is that so wrong?" Millerna sniffled, a (fake) tear in her eye.

"With _you_, yes!" Eries agreed without hesitation. "Besides, royalty should use its position for the sake of the people, not pick them off with their 'medical abilities'! Don't you understand, Millerna? Such stupidity is an insult to the people!"

"_You_ don't understand!" Millerna shot back impatiently. "I _love_ Allen!"

"Oh, geez. Not this again…" Eries rubbed her temples as her head began to throb. Probably due to her enormous ear-jewel- okay, I'll stop harassing her.

"He's the only one who truly understands me," Millerna simpered, staring off into space.

"Because your brains are on the same level!" Eries couldn't help but comment. Millerna gave her sister one parting glance before turning away and stepping onto the boat.

"Good bye, sister!" She called out behind her. Eries threw her arms up in defeat and stormed back into the castle.

Flashback's Ooooover!

"Good bye, sister. I'll miss you," Millerna whispered, gazing out at the silvery sea.

SNOOOORRRKK!! Moleman's snoring suddenly interrupted her tender moment, and she wheeled on him in fury. She didn't get a lot of airtime, and since he messed this up…

"Owwie!" Moleman jolted awake and ducked away from Millerna's next karate chop. He raised his now empty bottle of booze and attempted to defend himself.

"You ruffian! You're ruining my heart-felt goodbye!" Millerna growled, fist connecting with his ample gut.

"AWWGH!" Moleman stumbled back, clutching his abdomen. "Lemme alone, ya damn brat! I shoulda never signed up for this ride, it ain't worth it!" He began running around, trying to dodge Millerna's blows as the ship continued slicing through the water to its destination.

-It's Vision Time With Hitomi!-

Hitomi floated alone in a black abyss, looking around fearfully for any clue as to where on earth she was. Hundreds of lit candles suddenly appeared everywhere, as well as creepy disembodied voices, which began spouting nonsense that Hitomi didn't quite understand.

"The Draconians! The Winged People!" One voice intoned.

"The descendants of Atlaaaantis!" Another wailed.

"Draconians?" Hitomi thought to herself, thoroughly confused. She listened as more voices spoke.

"The Dracoooonians!"

"Atlaaaantis!"

"I just saved a bunch of money of my car insurance, by switching to Geicoooo!"

"What?" Hitomi made a face at that last statement.

SMACK! An audible slap could be heard, along with a loud grunt.

"Urgh… uh… I mean… all who come near them dieeee!" The same Geico voice sang out. A ghostly image of robed people with wings climbing a long staircase appeared.

"The end of the woooorld!" As the last voice spoke, the ground (when did that get there?) under Hitomi's feet shattered and she plummeted downward.

"Not this again," she muttered, crossing her arms calmly as she fell. "I'm _really_ getting tired of this. Look, it doesn't even scare me anymore." The predictable ray of light bloomed in the darkness above her, and Van swooped down once again to catch her hand. Hitomi gave him a bland look. "Hey, Van. How's it going?"

"Fine, Hitomi," Van answered, pleased she'd asked. "Now I gotta show you my horrible childhood with my parents, brother, and Merle, so you'll understand me and why I'm such a pansy.

"Please don't," Hitomi groaned.

"Too late!" Van sang happily.

Hooray! More Flashbacks!

Hitomi cracked open an eye and immediately shut it again due to the piercing sun that hung in the sky. She was yet again in a new, freaky world, with no idea as to how she got there or how she could leave. Slowly easing her eyes open, she observed that she was standing atop a roof of a house, and looking over an eerily familiar town that was shaded yellow for some reason. Probably for the 'flashback' effect or something.

"Great," Hitomi grunted, staring suspiciously around her as she tried to figure out what was so damn familiar about this town. "Where the bleep am I now? Hey, wait…" Hitomi's eyes widened with awe as the musical tones of a banjo and ruckus singing reached her ears. Glancing skyward, she saw large windmills turning lazily in the breeze. "This is _Fanelia_! Before it got burned down! …Ugh! It smells like moonshine and crap. This is _definitely_ Fanelia." Hitomi gagged and pinched her nose closed.

"Lord Vaaaaan!" A horribly familiar (but somehow younger) voice rang out from close by. Hitomi winced.

"Oh, sweet Jesus, NO." She looked to her right to see a mini-Merle, who seemed to be about five to eight years old, cowering on another rooftop and looking worried. "Aw, she's actually really cute- what the hell am I saying?!" Hitomi clapped a hand over her mouth to stop herself.

"Don't do it! Pwease, Lord Van!" The child Merle pleaded anxiously. A younger Van stood in front of her, peering down from the high rooftop, judging the height.

On the street below, villagers were looking up at the children and mumbling to themselves.

"That little idiot…"

"Trying to act tough again!"

"I give him ten seconds before he starts bawlin' like a baby!"

"I say fifteen!"

"You're on, pal!" The two men shook hands.

"This is great!" Van giggled, stepping back from his precarious perch. He wore white shorts and was shirtless. He glanced back at the still nagging Merle. "What are you complaining about, Merle? You wanted me to take my shirt off and show you! I swear, you'd better not be like this five to ten years from now!" He huffed and craned his neck to look at the drop again.

"I changed my mind!" Merle mewled, desperate. "It's just too dangewous!" She paused to giggle at herself. "Awen't I cute? I have a wisp!"

"Oh, cut it out, Merle!" Van rebuked. "You're just trying to butter me up! Anyway, don't worry! Just watch how awesome I am!" He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, straining.

_Poot_!

"…Did you just _fart_?" Merle asked cautiously. Van blushed.

"No, I did not! I was just forcing too hard! Here, I'll do it this time!" He closed his eyes and pushed again, this time causing his pretty white wings to emerge from his back. Hitomi gasped at the sight of them.

"Lord Van, don't do it!" Merle tried one last time, but Van wasn't listening.

"Anything to get away from youuu!" He called as he sprang from the rooftop and into the open air. The people gathered below gasped in astonishment as Van began flying.

"Well, I'll be damned! He didn't cry!"

"It's a gosh-darned miracle!" The scene suddenly cut off, leaving Hitomi hanging.

"Wha… what the hell just happened? You can't change the scene _now_, I wanna see if Van crashes or not! Damn you, Unseen Forces! You always screw me over, _always_!" Hitomi tried punching the air around her but relented when it became obvious that Unseen Forces couldn't be injured that way. She sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "Oh, alright. Let's hurry and get this over with."

The scene changed yet again and opened to a campfire in the woods encircled by a raggedy group of men in armor. They were talking and cheering to one another as they drank from mugs filled with moonshine.

"Moonshine always tastes better after a victory!" One of the warriors exclaimed, smacking his lips after a long draught. The others looked at him like he was crazy.

"What the crap you talkin' about, soldier? We got our asses _whooped_ today!" Another barked.

"Oh, right. Sorry."

"This dawn we will see the final battle," the supposed leader of the band declared to his men.

"Ooh! Cool! We get to watch?" The same stupid soldier asked with delight. The leader had to physically restrain himself from hacking off the man's limbs with his sword.

"NO, idiot. We're _in_ the damn battle!" He snarled.

"…Well that's not very fun!"

"I KNOW that!" The leader ignored the distracting man and addressed the rest of the company. "We'll be the first to attack the enemy's castle." He paused. Everyone was silent. "And then run away while they're stunned!" Everyone cheered.

"These people seem awfully familiar…" Hitomi thought as she watched the display. She suddenly noticed a large white Guymelef sitting behind them… Hey! It's the Escaflowne! Who woulda thunk? "Hi, Esca!" Hitomi smiled warmly and waved at the now blushing Guymelef. "Remember me?"

"I try not to…" the melef grumbled inaudibly.

"What?"

"Nothing. Look, just hurry up and see the rest of this flashback already. My ass is getting' numb." The melef began shifting his position to alleviate his aching backside, but couldn't really move, as he didn't want to attract the attention of the drunken hillbillies around him.

"Oh…okay." Hitomi shrugged as the scene changed… again.

This time the scene opened to a dark, eerie forest full of animal sounds and crickets chirping. Two men stood alone in the darkness for some unknown reason. Let's find out what it is.

"Balgus?" The first man asked. He was tall, handsome, and had a funny-lookin' mustache sprouting from below his nose. He was also dressed in expensive finery and was obviously a King of some sort.

"Milord?" Balgus answered. Hey, it's Balgus! Albeit a younger one! He was decked out in well-worn armor and his hair was darker than before, but he still sported the scar on his face.

"When this stupid war ends… will you leave us?" The mustached man asked softly.

"Hells yeah, ba-zitch!" Balgus answered instantly. "I'm not stickin' round to see you losers any longer than I have- er… I mean, uh, _yes_." He cleared his throat nervously. "I'd like to hone my spirit once more."

"…I see," the mustached man said, pursing his lips. "I'll miss you."

"…Uh… I'll miss you too, I guess. I'll never forget your stupidity- I mean 'kindness'." Balgus coughed out, rubbing the back of his neck, embarrassed.

"It's alright, Balgus," the other man assured. "I want you to master the ways of the warrior. That way, you can come save my ass whenever I'm in a pickle! Boo-yah!" He winked and flashed a 'thumbs-up' at Balgus, who sighed resignedly.

"Yes, Lord," he said obediently.

"Huh?" The mustached man glanced off into the woods, apparently having heard something that caught his attention. Through the brush and trees, a sparkling pond could be seen, and singing could be heard. "…Where the bleep's that freaky music comin' from, man? This is totally freakin' me out!" The man moved closer and to get a better look.

Standing in the shallow pool of water was a beautiful young woman in a pure white robe, her long ebony hair cascading down her shoulders and back. The mustached man's jaw fell open and eyes bulged at the sight.

"Woooah! Sweet baby Jesus! Quick, Balgus!" He hissed in a hurried whisper, signaling for Balgus to crouch down. "Hide! That hot momma might strip and take a bath or somethin'! Thank you, God!" He quickly ducked behind a tree and peeped out at the woman from behind it eagerly. Balgus stayed where he was.

"Oh, boy."

The woman, now surrounded with glowing fireflies, leaned her head back as lovely white wings bloomed from her shoulders. The mustached man gave a whine of disappointment.

"Damn. Only wings came out. I wanted her to get naked." The man pouted not unlike a certain Fanelian boy-King. Balgus gasped aloud at the sight.

"A _Draconian_!" He gurgled, eyes wide with fear. "A descendant of Atlantis! A demon of the legends!" He paused and gawked at his companion. "Have I described them enough for ya?" The other man was not convinced.

"Does _that_ hotty look like a _demon_ to you?" He asked bluntly, pointing at the attractive woman. Balgus studied her for several moments, a contemplating look on his face.

"…Well, _no_, sir, but we can't take any risks!" He maneuvered himself in front of his liege, tensing into a defense stance. "Ooh, I wish I had my 20-foot long sword! _Then_ we'd be safe!"

"Oh, yeah?" The other man scoffed. "Just like _last_ time, when you got that scar on your face?"

"…That was just bad luck!" Balgus argued heatedly. The mustached man shook his head and clapped a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't, Balgus. She's no demon. She's a _hotty_." He stared dreamily at the woman. "I would gladly let such a demon steal my very soul…"

"Blaaarff!" Balgus couldn't handle the sickening mushiness of the statement and was vomiting into a nearby bush. "Urgghh… so… _corny_! Can't… take it! Bloooorf!" He heaved as another wave of nausea overtook him.

Birds took to the night sky as the beautiful woman in the pond turned to see the mustached man wading out into the water to reach her. He went slow, cautiously picking his way through the dark water, muttering to himself.

"Gee, these rocks are pretty slippery, I'd better be careful not to- WAAUGH!" The man slipped on a rock and flailed his arms uselessly as he fell over backwards into the freezing water, legs shooting up into the air. The woman waited patiently until he came sputtering back to the surface of the water, gasping for air and regaining his footing. He immediately glared threateningly around him. "No one saw that, okay?! You tell anyone and off with your freakin' head, you got it? Uuugh, there's water up my _nose_…"

"Goal (I _think_ that's his name) of Fanelia?" The woman asked, finally speaking in a soft, musical voice. The mustached man, who must be 'Goal' paused in the middle of doing his Farmer's Nose blow to get the water out and gawked at the lady.

"That's right! How did you know my name?" He asked in disbelief. The woman simply smiled.

"You… have a nametag, right there," she explained, pointing at Goal's chest. He looked down and indeed, there was a nametag with his name ('Goal of Fanelia, bitches! Read it and weep, _son_!') emblazoned on it.

"Oh. Of course."

"When I was born," the woman went on, "it was prophesized that the man for whom I was destined for would come tonight." She paused and peeked over Goal's shoulder at Balgus, who stood on the shoreline. "Please let it be that man behind you."

"Nope! It's me, baby!" Goal grinned, throwing his arms open to hug her. To his dismay she continued talking, which was beginning to hurt his delicate head.

"When the Messed-up Moon hangs above the Western Mountains…" she finished, gazing at the sky, then lowering her eyes to stare at the man before her.

"Awww, bleep yeah! I gets meself a hot wifey! Suck it!" He attempted to do a little dance but stopped as he didn't want to slip and fall into the cold-ass water again. The woman stared at him, despair etched on her face.

"I get an idiot for a husband. Great." She sighed and brushed her shining hair back, then snapped her fingers several times to get Goal's attention again. When she was sure she had it, she continued. "Our meeting was fated, you see. …Stupid fate. Totally screwed me over."

"So, what's your name, toots?" Goal asked, a foolish grin plastered on his face.

"Varie," she answered.

"Ooooh. That's a _hot_ name," Goal murmured, taking Varie's hand. "Say it slower." He cocked his head and stared into her eyes. "Varie, will you come with me?"

"If I have to, Lord Goal," Varie said, accepting her cruel fate.

Hitomi had been watching the mushy scene from off in the trees, and could barely hold in her lunch.

"Holy crap, this is cheeeesy! I'm about to puke here!" Hitomi clutched her queasy stomach and clamped a hand over her mouth. "Please stop this vision before they start getting' busy! Then I really _will_ puke!" She froze as a realization hit her. "Ow! Stupid realization… I mean, those two are Van's parents! Ha! So that's what Van would look like with a mustache? Ha ha ha!" She laughed herself silly as the scene faded away and shifted again.

King Goal sat on his royal throne, being hounded by his 'advisors', who didn't seem to like Varie very much.

"Have you gone mad?" An advisor barked.

"He's right! You can't marry a Draconian woman!" Another protested.

"Surely you're not forgetting they're the accursed people who destroyed Atlantis!" Hissed another. "Gee, I really wish they'd tell us more about Atlantis…"

"She'll bring disaster upon Fanelia!" One wailed. "We can't possibly consent to this, Milord!"

"Dude, she's _hot_!" Goal growled, as if this justified his marrying her. "Just look at her! _Look_ at her!" He pointed out at the garden where Varie sat on a bench, looking quite lovely. The advisors stopped their ranting and stared out at her in quiet contemplation.

"He… does have a point…" One grudgingly admitted.

"Maybe he's right," another agreed.

"Perhaps we're being a bit too harsh," replied another. Goal smiled smugly and leaned back in his throne.

"Now," he said in a deep, threatening tone, "no one talks bad about her, got it? I've fallen in love with Varie, and nothing can separate us… except a hotter woman! Understand?" The curtains closed as yet another scene finished and opened again.

Now Goal stood before a chamber filled with attendants and a bed, which Varie occupied. He held aloft a tiny bawling infant in his arms.

"It's a girl!" He declared happily, face bright with delight. A young Folken cleared his throat before him.

"It's a _boy_, father," he corrected in clipped tones. "Look, you can see his little thing there."

"Oh." Goal blinked in surprise. "Well, it was crying so much that I thought it was a girl! Excuuuuse me!" He grinned and chucked the baby under the chin. "Look, Folken! It's your little sis- er, brother! Make sure to make his life a living hell when he's older!"

"Oh, I plan to," Folken assured, an evil smile spread across his face. "What's his name, father?"

"Cindy!" Goal proudly announced.

"Uh, I don't think that's a good idea…" Folken said, scratching his head as he thought. "How about Van Fanel?"

"Oh, fine," Goal muttered, pouting in perfect imitation of Van before adding, "I still like 'Cindy' better."

Hitomi gasped as the image of King Goal and baby Van disappeared and she was back in the yellow-toned Fanelian town, with kid-Van still flapping away in the sky. Whoa, trippy! It's like she never even left!

"Wheee!" Van squealed in delight as he soared through the air. "I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I'm awesome! This is easy, suckahs!" Van stuck his tongue out at the people watching below. Too bad for him, his moment of glory was short-lived. A strong breeze caused one of his wings to snap and jerk the wrong way, stealing his ability of flight. He plummeted unceremoniously to the ground, shrieking, "Aaaaaugh! Oh, no! I suck ass! Some one, help me!"

"Van, you little fool!" Varie ran out into the street and leapt into the sky, wings slipping from her back, to catch Van before he hit the ground with a splat. Holding him close, she looked into his eyes and spoke in a serious tone. "You were trying to show off again, weren't you? My naughty little boy!"

"Momma?" Van whimpered, looking soulfully up into his mother's gaze.

"Van, you must never show your wings until the right time comes. Promise me! Don't make mommy cry! God knows you've already made me do it enough already! I don't need any more emotional scarring!" Varie had to stop herself before she went into hysterics. Van's face crumpled and he burst into tears.

"Mooommyyyy! Waaaaah! I'm so sorry! Waaaah!" He buried his face into his mother's warm chest.

"Y'see? I told ya! Fifteen seconds! Pay up!"

"Dammit."

Hitomi gasped one last time, making a mental note to go to the doctor when the chance came to see if she had asthma or something, 'cause she was getting really tired of all this gasping. The scene had changed (AGAIN!) to show a grieving family surrounding the now dead King Goal, who lay in a king-sized (aha ha) bed. Van stood by his mother, both of them crying. The door to the room suddenly slammed open to reveal an out-of-breath and red-faced Balgus, huffing and puffing mightily.

"Balgus, you've returned?" Someone asked in awe. Balgus ignored him.

"What's wrong?" He asked, finally catching his breath. "You guys can't wake up that idiot of a King? Don't worry, _I'll_ fix it up!" Reaching behind him, he dragged forth his prized 20-foot long sword with a loud grunt of effort.

"Uh, it's a bit worse than that," a doctor said nervously. "He's _dead_. He died while you were gone."

"Oops." Balgus had the decency to flush as he realized his error. "Gee, don't I feel like a sack of bleep right now." Hitomi watched the display sorrowfully. It changed once again to show Van and his mother standing before an elaborate grave, still crying. Van was attempting to 'cheer up' his mother.

"D-d-don't worry, m-mom!" He sniffled. "I-I'll take stupid F-F-F-Folken's place and be an a-awesome King! I'll be a s-strong man, just like daddy! A-a-and I'll try to only cry o-o-o-once a day, I s-s-swear!"

The scene faded away (for the last time, I hope) to show Van's mother, staring forlornly out the window, then disappearing. Van's voice could be heard as he supposedly finished up narrating the flashback.

"Soon afterwards, mommy went into the forest where the dragons nest, to look for my loser brother. Balgus went to look for her, but there was no sign of her. My dummy mom never came back." Van sighed and concentrated on steering the Escaflowne. He, Hitomi, and a sleeping Merle were gliding along in the night atop the Dragon-form Esca. Hitomi bit her lip and hugged Van a little closer.

"Thank you," she said softly. "Thank you… for draining two whole hours out of my life with your morbidly depressing monologue. Now I need to watch My Neighbor Totoro and take five bottles of Zoloft before I can feel happy again." She suddenly blinked in surprise as she noticed Van had his shirt back. "Whoa. How the hell did you get your shirt back? That's just weird. Anyway, about your wings?"

"Huh?" Van glanced back at Hitomi over his shoulder, a look of confusion on his face. Hitomi looked down, suddenly bashful.

"Don't worry," she said softly, "because honestly, I think… they're _beautiful_."

"You sayin' I'm a chick or somethin'?" Van asked, insulted.

"Wha- NO! I mean, they're very _handsome_!" Hitomi hastily amended. Van seemed to accept this more than the 'beautiful' remark and so began talking again.

"You and Merle are probably the only ones who'd say that," he said with a smile.

"You're putting me and that damn cat on the damn level?" Hitomi hollered, smacking him upside the back of his head. "You jerk! I'm never talking to you again!"

-Over in Zaibach-

Glowing lights flickered weakly on in a large dome-like area, while some strange mechanism clunked away down a track. It creaked to a stop before a large contraption thingy with a telescope jutting from it. Seated before the spying instrument was everyone's favorite, Emperor Dornkirk! He was peeking one eye into the telescope with rapt attention and muttering to himself.

"_Ooh_ yeah, baby. Take it off," He whispered, leaning closer. "Take it _all_ off. Lemme see those- what? We're on the air?" He jerked his head away from the telescope and looked around in confusion. He caught sight of the camera now panning in on him. "Oh bleeps! We _are_ on the air! Ahem!" He cleared this throat and began his lines in his 'I'm-just-an-old-man' voice. "I… can't see it! I can't see the future! My visions are in disarray! Sinking into chaos! Losing all my lives! Going to get a game over soon! Why won't you show me the future, you stupid cheating game?!" Dornkirk had abandoned his telescope and had been playing his Nintendo DS for the past several lines. Needless to say, he wasn't doing very good. "Fine! Forget it!" He snapped the DS closed and hurled it violently across the room. And since he was a skeletal old man, it only went about six inches away. Dornkirk glared at it menacingly before turning back to his telescope. "Now where'd that fine honey go?"

-Back with Van and Hitomi (Merle Doesn't Matter)-

The Escaflowne (normal form) stomped its way through the blackened forest, shoving past trees and tripping over hidden logs. Its Energist and shoulder gems glowed brightly in the dark, lighting the way. Hitomi and Merle were perched on each of Esca's shoulders while Van was inside, piloting the Guymelef.

"Van," Hitomi asked, "just where the hell are we going?"

"The Duchy (giggle) of Freid ought to be _somewhere_ around here," Van answered.

"…What are you talking about?" Hitomi frowned. "You closed your eyes and had us spin you around in circles until you got sick to randomly chose a direction! The chances of us finding-"

"Unseen Forces, sweet-cheeks," Van interrupted. Hitomi's mouth snapped shut.

"…So when do you think we'll get there?"

A chipmunk that had been gathering acorns started and took flight (Whoa! It's a flying one!) as the Escaflowne boomed closer. Merle stared forlornly after it, a disappointed look on her face as she licked her lips hungrily. Hitomi shuddered, then froze. When she shuddered, that usually meant bad news. Or she needed a jacket. This stupid dress was ripped too short and she was freezing her ass off.

"Van, wait!" She cried, a small twinge of panic running through her body. Van chugged to a stop and gawked through his visor at her.

"What is it _this_ time?" He asked impatiently. "You gotta pee again or something?"

"No, stupid," Hitomi growled, resisting the urge to kick Esca's head. It wouldn't hurt Van but maybe it would give him a headache. "I have… _a bad feeling about this_."

"Oh, _snap_." Van stated, immediately becoming serious. "That means trouble's a-comin', right?"

"I don't know what it is, but…" Hitomi stared into the night sky above her, trying to catch hold of what was bothering her. Merle began whimpering, as she knew where this was headed.

"Oh, no," she mewled pathetically. "Not another one of your creepy predictions. Is someone there?"

-Up In That Same Sky-

Birds took to the air as Dilandau and his crew of merry men sailed through the night sky in their humming Guymelefs, sniffing out Van like a bloodhound. Dilandau grumbled, angry he hadn't found Van yet and gotten to rip his steaming guts out.

"Hmm. My bloodlust sensors indicate a mega-loser nearby." He grinned maniacally. "I think I've almost found Van…" A sudden twinkle in the forest below him caught his eye. "What's that?" He and his men dove for the light. And sure enough, it was…

"A stupid-ass camper playing with a flashlight?" Dilandau snarled in annoyance, looming over his terrified prey. "I'll find you, Van!" He stopped long enough to squish the unfortunate camper into the ground before taking off again. While once again hovering about, he spotted another light winking in the woods. "That better be you, Van, or else!" He warned as he drew closer.

-Back With the Esca Crew-

Creeeeeaaaaak! CRASH!

All three heroes jumped in surprise as several nearby trees began falling over for no apparent reason, thoroughly creeping them out.

"Please tell me that was you, Hitomi," Van whimpered from within Escaflowne's metal confines. Hitomi tried her best to glare at him through the melef.

"Yes, Van, it _was_ me," she drawled sarcastically. "_I_ pushed over that thirty-foot tall tree from _way_ over here with my _mind_."

"Oh, thank goodness." Van breathed a sigh of relief. "I thought it was Dilandau coming to horribly dismember us."

"They _are_, Van!" Hitomi yelled as she realized what was happening. "It's those invisible losers again! They're here, I know they're here! Quick! Let me and Merle inside where it's safe!" She began attempting to pry the Escaflowne's chest open.

"Uh… there's no room," Van lied, not wanting to let anyone in, even if it was Hitomi. "Can't you just, you know, use your creepy psychic powers to find them?" Hitomi stopped tugging and sighed.

"Oh, alright, fine." Hitomi closed her eyes and visualized her pendant in her mind. She began talking to it like she usually did. "Hey, pendant. How's it hanging? Hah. Get it? Hanging? And you're a pendant, so you're- yeah, right. Sorry. Aaaanyway," she paused, chewing on her lip as she thought over what to say. "Would you mind telling me where the invisible losers are? I'd _really_ appreciate it. Yeah, uh-huh. I'll owe ya one. Whatever. So, you're tellin' me they're… STRAIGHT AHEAD, VAN! LOOK OUT!" Hitomi's eyes snapped open as her trusty pendant worked its magic.

"Straight ahead?" Van asked, looking behind him.

"The other way, dumbass!" Merle screeched.

"This way?" Van now looked to the left.

"NO! …Look at Hitomi's legs!" Merle all but gave up.

"Okidok." Van faced forwards as he leered at Hitomi's bared legs. "Mmm. Leeeeegs- OHMYGODKILLERFIRE!!!" He ducked just in time to dodge Dilandau's oncoming tongue of flame launched from his handy-dandy flamethrower. Van squealed in fright. "Time to fleeee!" Reaching behind him, he swiftly drew his sharp blade and prepared… to run away. "Hitomi, Merle!" He warned. "Hold on tight… 'cause no way am I stoppin' if you fall off!"

"You jerk!" The girls shouted in unison as they latched onto the Esca's shoulders with a death grip.

"It's to the right!" Hitomi cried. Van moved from the path of a deadly crima claw, which struck an innocent tree behind him.

"Bleeeeargh! Why, God, whyyyyy?" The tree screamed in agony as it died.

"The rear!" Hitomi cried again, pointing. Van whipped around extra fast after hearin' _that_. Another crima claw sailed past its target.

"What're you doing, dumb-asses?" Dilandau snarled, making a mental note to smack them all later. "You're _missing_ him! I should be dancing on the bloody remains of his viscera by now!"

"I'm doing my best, but-" Chesta began.

"It's almost as if he can see us somehow," Miguel finished, an image of the pointing Hitomi in his mind. The image was focused mainly on her legs.

"Hey! Don't cut me off like that!" Chesta growled at his comrade. "Just because I'm cute doesn't mean I won't kick your ass!"

"Okay, okay! Sorry!" Miguel apologized.

"You two quit being morons!" Dilandau ordered. "And stop spouting nonsense! Just hit him before I use one of you guys as his replacement!" All of Dilly's men gulped as they readied themselves to become serious. Dilandau studied the Escaflowne through his scope. "But _try_ not to kill him, okay? That's _my_ job."

"Come on, where are you?" Van taunted, having grown cocky. "You losers can't beat me! I've got a psychic chick! Bleep yeah!" He started doing a dance, which is quite a feat with a Guymelef. Hitomi was ignoring him, eyes closed and concentrating on finding the next enemy.

"Huh?" She saw one off in the distance, raising its arm as it began its assault. "Careful, Van! In front again!" Another crima claw shot out of the darkness, and was blocked (wow, good job, wuss!) by Van's sword, causing it to go spiraling off into the woods behind him where it pierced several annoying talking animals in the heart, killing them efficiently.

"Ha ha! Two birds with one stone, baby!" Van jeered. He began inching away, looking for a chance to escape. "We're getting outta here!" He cried as he began to run. The girls screamed in fright but somehow managed to stay on.

"Get back here, you spineless coward!" Dilandau hollered as he disengaged his Stealth Cloak and pulled his Guymelef up into flight mode. His soldiers did likewise as they zoomed after the fleeing King.

Escaflowne was flat-out running, its large gait quickly increasing the distance between itself and the pursuers. Van couldn't be happier.

"Whoo!" The Escaflowne gasped, out of breath. "Been a loooong time since I've had such a workout! Anyone got any water?" It stopped short in front of a mid-sized river. "Well, speak of the devil!"

"A river?" Van smiled. "That's perfect! I can make my escape-" Both girls had their faces pressed against Esca's visor, and were glaring threateningly at Van. "Er… I mean, valiantly defend your honor here!" Van manipulating his melef into a kneeling position. "Both of you! Ride's over! Get off!"

"Wait, what're you- DAWWWGH!" Merle's question was interrupted by Van simply shaking the girls off after they didn't cooperate. They picked themselves up and backed away as the white Guymelef approached the rivers calm waters.

"I… am _not_ getting in that," Escaflowne flatly stated, staring disdainfully at the river.

"Why not?" Van asked, anxious to get a move on.

"No. It's… dirty, and… germs… and… NO." The Escaflowne refused to budge.

"Quit bein' gay, man!" Van barked.

"…Fine." The Escaflowne grumbled as it waded cautiously into the water. It was dark and hard to move in the water…

"Gee," Van murmured as he carefully picked his way into the river, "these rocks are kinda slipper- AWGH!"

SPLASH!

"Like father, like son," Hitomi observed from the bank. "Just what's he up to, anyway? …Huh?" She glanced behind her as a low humming noise became apparent. She quickly dashed off to the side, leaving Merle standing alone in confusion.

"Hey, why did you- EEEK!" Merle had to dive out of the way of the oncoming enemy melef's, nearly escaping the fate of being run over. She skittered over towards Hitomi. "You witch! You coulda warned me!"

Dilandau's crimson Guymelef flew past the Escaflowne, then turned deftly and landed in the river. His four other cohorts followed suite, surrounding and trapping Van strategically. Van either didn't care or didn't notice.

"Yesss," he hissed with glee. "They fell for it! Going invisible won't do them any good here! And if I can see them… then I can run like hell when I have the chance!"

"Very clever, butt-hole…" Dilandau purred, smirking at his prey. "I'll remember it when I'm killing you later."

One of his men shot a crima claw at Van's unprotected backside, and Van wheeled to dodge and then block another coming at him. Dilandau took advantage of the situation and attacked the King from behind. As Van turned to counter Dilly's blow, the other melef's closed in.

"Come on, get him!" Dilandau hissed. His soldiers obeyed and shot crima claws at the pristine white melef, trapping it by stabbing it through the legs and kneecaps.

"Ohh _God_, not the kneecaps again!" Escaflowne moaned in pain. "And they had just started healing, too!"

"Gotcha!" Dilandau sang with delight, a fiendish smile spreading across his face. He sent out another crima claw, which latched onto the trapped melef's head, and began twisting it painfully. "I'll snap your neck like Steven Segal!" He threatened.

"Who?" Van asked, confused.

"…Shut up and die!" Dilandau didn't feel like explaining. "It doesn't matter if you can see us or not, we're _still_ gonna kick your ass!"

"Oh, no! Lord Vaaan!" Merle wailed, nearly in tears. Van gulped as it dawned on him that this might be the end.

"Damn. I shoulda just ran! Screw the girls!" He lamented.

Approaching the battle scene was one of those adorable Zaibach Floating Jellyfish. Onboard were Folken and lots of Zaibach soldiers, coming to capture Van.

"The Dragon Slayers have captured the target!" One mustached soldier reported. "They have also beaten it senseless!"

"Damn, that brat!" Folken spat. "Take us down! We'll retrieve the Dragon ourselves. Maybe now Dornkirk'll leave me the hell alone."

"Sir!" The soldier bowed obediently.

"What do we dooo?" Merle squealed, hopping up and down in panic. Hitomi simply shook her head.

"I don't know. I mean, we have _vaginas_, which means we can only sit here whimpering like babies and not do anything to help."

"They're gonna capture Lord Vaaaan!" Merle was now in hysterics.

"Wait, I know!" A light bulb appeared above Hitomi's head as she got an idea. "Unseen Foooorces! Anytime now!" Her pendant began glowing, as if in answer.

Up above on the Floating Jellyfish, Folken was busy thinking to himself.

"Van," he thought solemnly, "This was meant to be. I think… I think I like… chocolate ice-cream best… no… vanilla…"

"There's a leviship coming from the north!" A crazed soldier's panicked call snapped Folken out of his ice-cream dreams.

"What?"

"Yesss! It worked!" Hitomi clapped her hands in glee. Unseen trumpets blazed a heart-warming warrior's theme as the decked-out Scherazade literally fell from the sky to majestically-

SPLASH!

…Or not.

"Dammit! My new clothes!" Allen cursed as he sat up, drenched. "I knew I shoulda just walked here through the damn forest, but noooo! I had to be dramatic and fall from the friggin' sky! _Now_ look!"

"It's Allen!" Hitomi cried, relieved. "Wait… it's _Allen_! Oh, bleeps! We're all doomed!"

Allen, whether in a move of pure dumb luck or fate deemed by the Unseen Forces, had fallen smack-dab onto an enemy Guymelefs tender head, leaving him out of commission. Allen saw what had happened and immediately accepted it as his unrivaled awesomeness.

"Yeah, I rock," he said smugly. He glared down at the indisposed melef, which was piloted by Chesta. "I told ya I'd get ya back, sonny!"

"Gurgle gurgle!" Was Chesta's reply, as he was underwater and in danger of drowning. Translation; "Damn you and your gay-ass Guymelef!"

Allen ignored Chesta's jibe and leapt at Dilandau, swinging his sword down on the constricting crima claw (kkkkkk) and freeing Van from his restraints. Van didn't seem too grateful.

"Aaaallen! Why do you always have to make me look bad?" Van sobbed.

"Because _I_ shoulda been the hero of this show, kid!" Allen shot back, then turned to the camera with a meaningful wink and sparkling smile. Ding!

"It's just my luck!" Dilandau huffed, eyeing his newest opponent. "Die, loser!" He struck out at the Knight, who turned to block his attack, and the two began exchanging blows while the others observed. Out of the corner of his eye, Allen noticed Hitomi standing by the shore, anxiously watching the fight.

"Oooh! Hitomi!" Allen's eyes lit up like fireworks. "There's _no_ time I _won't_ flirt with a girl! Watch this, baby!" He shoved forward and succeeded in knocking Dilandau back a few feet. Hitomi raised her eyebrows, somewhat impressed.

"No, Hitomi! Look at me!" Van was desperate for attention, too. And just a little bit jealous. Alright, a lot jealous. "I'm cooler!" He swung at a nearby foe and chopped of its arm, then followed it up by stabbing it in the shoulder. Poor Dallet squealed in surprise.

"Oh, no! I'm hit!" He stopped, mouth hanging open. "Wait, why do I have Master Dilandau's voice? Dear God, someone put me out of my misery!"

"Happy to oblige!" Van sang, shoving him as hard as he could away from the fight.

"Thaaaaank yoooouuu!" Dallet called as he sailed down the river. Another assailant tried his luck with Van, but sadly for him, it was time for Van's Once-an-Episode-Uber-Cool-Secret-Move. The enemy unit lost his arm in a breath-taking display of strength and skill. Van grinned and looked behind him.

"You see that Hitomi! You see how cool I was?"

"Huh?" Hitomi looked up from her Tarot cards, which she held in her hand. "Sorry, I was rearranging my cards in alphabetical order. What did you do?"

"Forget it!" Van pouted and struck out angrily in a random direction. That random direction happened to be Miguel's face.

"Aaaaaugh!" Miguel reeled back, screaming in pain.

"Aaaaaugh!" Van also screamed, scared by Miguel's outburst. He quickly stabbed and then threw his opponent what he considered a safe distance away, which turned out to be about five hundred feet. Poor Miguel went flying over the river and crash-landed onto the distant shore. He lay there, unconscious.

"Miguel!" Dilandau cried in dismay, actually concerned. "He's the one holding all of our money! Noooo!" He gasped and touched his head. "Ugh! My _hair_! This water is _totally_ ruining my silver highlights! Damn you Fanel!" He glared menacingly at the young King. "You can kill my men, but when you mess with my _hair_… prepare to die!" He leapt at Van, killing intent clear in his eyes. Van swiftly blocked the crima claws launched at him, which all shot off in different direction. One particular strand sped toward an unsuspecting psychic girl from the Messed-up Moon. "Hitomi! I didn't mean it! I swear!"

Hitomi screamed as the oncoming lethal weapon closed in, too terrified to move. Merle simply scurried away, as she didn't want any blood on her dress.

"Now's my chance!" Allen chortled. He maneuvered his Guymelef quickly to step in front of Hitomi and get hit by the claw. It worked quite well. "UGH!" The Scherazade keeled over in pain as the claw struck the vital organs of the pilot. Allen gulped back his pain, and looked down at the gushing wound in his side. "Yes, perfect," he whispered. "Now she'll _totally_ have to sleep with me, because she'll feel so guilty!"

"Noooooo!" Van wailed in despair. "Now I must act super-cool to balance it out! Hyaaaaah!" He charged Dilandau and began beating on him.

"Allen!" Hitomi waded into the cold water to reach the still kneeling Scherazade. "Answer me! Allen!" Merle followed after she was sure no blood would get on her.

"Man, he sure is desperate for some booty," Gaddess sighed as he watched the fight from high on the Crusade. "You can't fool me, Cap'n. Still, he got hit real bad."

"Incoming!" Reeden cried, looking through the telescope.

"Huh?" Gaddess turned to see.

"Freid convoy approaching," a Zaibach soldier reported.

"Hey, how the hell did you get on our ship?" Reeden asked, amazed.

"I'm _not_ on your damn ship," the soldier growled. "We just changed scenes from your stupid ship to ours."

"Oh." Reeden thought for a moment. "Then why didn't the stupid fic author write that?"

"Because she's too damn lazy and it wasn't worth it for your little-ass part!" The soldier exploded, spittle flying from his lips. "Look, just shut up, okay? Your scene is over. Go away."

"…Alright." Reeden shut his trap. The Zaibach soldier sighed and started over.

"Freid-"

"Are you sure-" Reeden asked, popping his head back in.

"OOOOOOUUUUTTTTTTT!!" The soldier jabbed a finger at Reeden's face, causing him to start and scurry away. "Lord Folken, there's a frigging Freid convoy approaching!" He spoke his lines so fast they were almost impossible to understand.

"What? No! This can't be happening! Noooo! Damn you! Damn you! I just can't _win_!" Folken glanced up from his Nintendo DS whilst furiously mashing buttons. "What? Oh, crap! Dilandau!" He called out to his subordinate over the radio. "Fall back for now! Some Freid ships are coming, and if they spot us, they might catch wind of our plan!"

"You mean our plan to take over their stupid country for the sole purpose of-"

"Yes, _that_ plan!" Folken cut in, saving the plot from being spoiled for the umpteenth time. "Now shut up and get back here this instant before I ground you!"

"Yes, _daddy_," Dilandau grumbled, sulking. He gave Van one final parting smack before he lifted up and zoomed off toward the retreating Jellyfish, followed closely by his loyal minions. Van sighed with relief, then looked down.

"Darn. I peed my pants again. Oh, no, wait. That's just water from the river. …Is it?" He craned a neck closer to his crotch and sniffed tentatively. "Nope. I pissed myself." He gazed up at the sky, watching the Jellyfish disappear into the hills. "Dumb brother…" He looked over at Hitomi and was surprised to see that she was crying her eyes out.

"Allen! Answer me!" She demanded amidst the tears, banging on the leg of the still silent Scherazade. "Stop making me feel bad! You just did that so I'd have sex with you! Damn you!"

-Later, Onboard the Crusade-

"It's just not _working_!" Gaddess wailed in despair.

"What's not working?" Asked Kio.

"…The damn microwave, of course!" Gaddess answered, gesturing to an old, stinky microwave that looked like it would sooner explode than work. "I keep telling Allen to get a new one but the man's so damn stingy-"

"Speaking of Allen, how is he?" Kio wondered.

"Ah, he's just bleedin' to death over there somewhere." Gaddess nodded his head toward the other side of the room before crossing his arms and glaring at the kitchen appliance again. "Stupid microwave…"

Allen lay on a table, shirt opened to reveal his surprisingly muscled chest and stomach, swathed in bandages. Although clearly in pain, he would never pass up a chance to hit on a woman.

"Hey, Hitomi…" he whispered, cracking an eye open to stare blearily up at her. "Check out… my rocks hard abs… I'm so… damn… _hot_… Ugh!!" He winced and looked away.

"Will you cool it, Romeo?" Hitomi hissed angrily. "You're _injured_! I swear!"

"What happened to him?" Several men from the Freid convoy had boarded the Crusade and stood near the doorway, casting worried looks at the bleeding Captain. If he died, they certainly didn't want to be blamed for it. The men all had shaved (or bald) heads and wore vests with loose pants.

"Don't you guys have a doctor?" Pyle asked. "Or a healer or wise woman? You know, ugh, ugh, me use herbs to fix sickies! Understand?"

"Look, we're just a trading ship," one of the Freid men replied, glaring at Pyle. "And we're _not_ barbarians. We know what a doctor is. Sadly, we don't have a healer who can handle a deep wound like that."

"It's… more of a scratch than a deep wound, I'd say…" Kio stated, studying Allen over the other's shoulders. "The Captain's just trying to get attention, as usual."

Allen continued to groan in agony nevertheless, pausing at one point to peek and see if Hitomi was still watching, then picking it up again with greater enthusiasm. Merle clutched at Lord Van anxiously, while he tried prying her loose with no avail. Hitomi, who sat next to Allen, chewed on her lip, mind working furiously for an escape plan.

"Damn you, Allen!" She thought to herself. "You're just trying to make me feel bad so I'll sleep with you! If we had a doctor who'd fix him up, then I'd be in the clear! Oh, please, Unseen Forces! Can't you do something to bail me out? _Anything_?"

"Hiiiiiii, Gaddess!!!"

Hitomi's eyes snapped open and her heart dropped to the bottom of her stomach, filled with dread. _She_ was here.

The wonderful and perfect Princess Millerna minced into the room, lovely hair bouncing (among other things), a smile on her face. She seemed completely unaware of the situation taking place before her. What else is new?

"Didja miss me? I see everyone's together so- ALLEN SENSES TINGLING! WHERE IS THAT HUNKASAURUS?!" Millerna snapped into attack mode as her Allen radar quickly zeroed in on the prone and vulnerable man. She saw him lying on the bed and pounced at him, spouting questions. "Allen! What happened to you? Are you all right? It was that ugly psychic girl, wasn't it?" She noticed his bloody bandages and gasped in horror. "He's losing blood! Oh, no! That means we can't get _freaky_ tonight! Curses!" She turned to verbally assault the Second-in-Command. "Gaddess! What are you waiting for? He's not gonna last much longer, and then I'll never get to have my way with him!" Gaddess simply scowled at the spoiled girl.

"Yes, Princess," he enunciated with apparent sarcasm. "I'll just put on my pink tutu and heels and wave my magical healing rod and cure him."

"Hop to it, then!" Millerna stated, sitting back with her arms crossed, waiting.

"That was _sarcasm_," Gaddess explained patiently, as he'd had to have this talk before with Allen. "There's no healer aboard." Millerna turned to the men from Freid, who shook their heads at her unspoken question.

"There's no healer aboard?" Millerna repeated in disbelief. She thought a few seconds before a smile slowly began spreading across her face. "Fine, then _I'll_ do it."

"NO!" Moleman, who wore masses of band-aids and sported a black eye along with a sling on one arm, popped out of nowhere. "You can't, Princess! Sure, you studied a little bit of medicine and doctory stuff, but all the patients you treated _died_! Don't let her, you guys!" He turned to the others, pleading.

"He's obviously slum drunk!" Millerna declared, clapping a hand over the Moleman's mouth, silencing his protests. "Remove him!" Allen's crew dragged the struggling dwarf away.

"You wiiiiiiiiitch!" He screeched from the hall.

"Someone get me my blue bag!" Millerna ordered, taking charge.

-Elsewhere on the Crusade-

Reeden and Oruto sneered at Miguel, who crawled from the smoking wreckage of his Guymelef at sword point. He sniffed disdainfully at his captors and seemed unconcerned with his precarious position.

"Get outta there, you little punk!" Reeden growled darkly. "If the Commander dies, we're so gonna… throw you a _party_! Do you know how long we've been trying to get rid of that idiot? Thank you, man!" Reeden, tears in his eyes, tried hugging the captured Dragonslayer, who gagged in disgust and flinched away.

-With Millerna-

Knives, prongs, and other scary medical equipment glinted under the sterile light as Millerna leaned over a doctor book. She was dressed in a surgical mask and hair cap, and was ready for the operation.

"Aren't I cute all dressed up?" She giggled. "Of course I am." She turned toward her patient, scalpel held at the ready. "I think the anesthetic is taking effect. Hold him down to keep him from thrashing around."

"Yes, ma'am." Her assistant (who I _think_ is Gaddess but can't be sure so I'll just call him 'assistant') moved to obey.

"I think we should strip him naked for this."

"B-but ma'am-" The assistant protested.

"Whooo's the doctor here?"

-Outside-

Hitomi sat outside the door, praying desperately to the Unseen Forces for the surgery to be successful.

"Please. _Please_ let him survive. That way, I won't have to feel guilty and sleep with him…" She sniffled a little. She _really_ didn't want to sleep with Allen. She cringed as a hand suddenly placed itself on her shoulder. Looking up, her eyes filled with tears as she saw who came to comfort her. "Van…"

He gave her a small smile of encouragement.

"…You should probably use protection."

SMACK!

-Episode 9 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Sorry, but this'll be the last one for a while. Finals are coming up real quick (like, a friggin' week) and I really need to study so I get kick-ass grades and get a kick-ass job, preferably being paid millions of dollars for doing nothing. Or what I'm doing now, comedy. I also wanted to work on another fanfic so I can only do the next Esca episode in about two to three weeks. Sorry! I hope you enjoyed this episode anyway! Review, please!


	10. Episode 10: The Blue Eyed Brat

Author's Note: Woohoo! Double digits, _hells_ yeah! I'm not even halfway yet… damn! This is gonna take a while, huh? Well, anyway, I kinda got crazy with the whole Christmas holiday shtuff, so sorry if this is a little late. I got some kick-ass presents, though! Woot! Hope you enjoy the new episode. Review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 10

The Blue-Eyed Brat

Recap: After she is saved from falling to her death (_again_), Hitomi is forced against her will to listen to Van narrate his traumatic childhood experiences with his dead ma and pa. Allen and others sneak along in the woods aboard the Crusade, trying to get to Freid without being spotted by the big, scary Zaibach bullies. Van and the girls also try a hand at sneaking across the border, but are caught and set upon by a rabid Dilandau, who is itching to separate Van from his precious organs. They (guess what?) run (yep, you got it right. You win a plushie!) and Van 'tricks' Dilly into following him into a river for some… strange reason. Because he's an idiot, maybe? Anyway, things start going from bad to worse for our pouty King, until Allen shows up and… does absolutely nothing to help. Oh, he hits on Hitomi, if that counts. Yeah. And purposefully gets in harms way in an attempt to guilt her into sleeping with him. Freid convoy ships close in and scare Folken and Dilly away before they can ruin the story, but Allen still wants more attention so it's up to Millerna (who pops outta nowhere, like a maniacal cereal killer) to 'save' him. Hitomi prays with all her might, because she doesn't want herpes. Phew! Okay, let's get this thing started!

"Hey! What the hell?!" Hitomi Kanzaki stormed into the author's room, slapping a sheaf of papers onto her desk. "They're not playing my little intro at the beginning of the episodes anymore! That's not fair! Where's my lawyer?!"

"I know," Dilly-oh responded calmly, munching on some goldfish. "They cut it because of the budget. Don't take it personally."

"Like hell I _won't_!" Hitomi growled and shook her fist in protest. "Damn them! Just wait until I call my agent!" She whirled around and stomped out, slamming the door as she left.

"Don't worry," Dilly-oh said, winking at the camera. "I'll still keep you updated on the happenings of the previous episodes." She stopped and scratched her head. "Well, _this_ was pointless. Had no relevance to the show whatsoever."

"It took up about a quarter of a page!" Dilly-oh's sister pointed out, sticking her head in through the door. Dilly-oh threw her bag of goldfish at her as she ducked out of the way.

"Get out! You're ruining my fic, girl! Enough! Just start the damn story!"

Everyone aboard the Crusade huddled worriedly around their beloved friend. The darkness outside did little the ease their tension and anxiety. In fact, it only served to heighten it and make them feel worse. They all exchanged worried looks and bit their lips in frustration.

"I…I don't know if he's gonna make it…" Kio choked out.

"I'm so worried…" Pyle whimpered, tears in his eyes.

"He's strong! He ain't gonna die!" Reeden tried to cheer up the others, but to no avail.

"Poor little guy…" Oruto said sadly.

The shattered remains of the old, crappy microwave lay before them, surrounded by the crew. Pieces of its innards were strewn everywhere, its red and blue wiring in disarray, its glass shattered and broken.

"Why'd you have to _do_ it, Gaddess?!" Reeden spat out, glaring at the second-in-command who stood leaning against a table a bit away, an unconcerned look on his face.

"Look, he asked for it! That was the last time I was eating _burned_ pizza, okay?" Gaddess huffed in annoyance, glaring back with just as much or more fire. "I did the right thing! That stupid microwave was suffering! I just put it out of its misery! It should be _thanking_ me!"

"Wait… what about Allen?" Kio suddenly remembered that they _had_ a Captain. The others stared at him like he'd just spouted incomprehensible gibberish.

"…Who gives a bleep about Allen?" A voice shouted from the crowd.

"Oh, yeah. Right." Kio turned back to the destroyed microwave, a fresh wave of sadness engulfing him. "I'm gonna miss ya, little buddy…"

Hitomi sat away from the others, praying with every ounce of her being that Allen would recover from his wound so she wouldn't be obligated to have pity-sex with him. Van's suggestion hadn't helped, either, but the hand-shaped red mark on his face _did_ make her feel a bit better. The only thing she could do now was pray to those bastard Unseen Forces to save her and…

The door to the operating room opened, revealing a tired-looking Princess Millerna, still decked out in her doctor clothes. She smiled widely and threw out her arms.

"Hey, everybody!" She shrilled. Only then did everyone notice her front was drenched with blood.

"AAAAUUUGHH!" People hurled themselves backwards, trying to get away from the blood-soaked Princess, who was still smiling sweetly, oblivious to their disgust and horror.

"W-what the hell did you _do_ to him?!" Van stuttered, eyes open as wide as possible. Millerna frowned and then seemed to notice her soiled shirt.

"Oh! You mean this? I was having ketchup and fries and was a liiiiittle bit clumsy!" She wiped some off with a finger and licked it. "Mmm! Ketchup! _Yummy_!"

"We shoulda know…" Reeden groaned, slapping a hand to his forehead.

"Aaanyway," Millerna quit licking her shirt. "The operation was a success!"

"Allen's okay, then?" Van asked, seemingly happy. "Dammit!" I _did_ say seemingly. "Now I have to compete with that jerk for the rest of the series! Dammit all! Bleep!" He began kicking several things, Merle included ("Mrrrawr! Hiss!").

"Oh thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!" Tears of pure joy sprang to Hitomi's eyes as she clasped her hands before her, heart singing with relief.

"He's still unconscious from the anes… aseestheee… that stuff that makes you sleep!" Millerna finished. She then paused and decided to get more attention. "Oooh!" Her eyes rolled up and she fell limply in a faint, to be caught safely by…

THUD!

No one!

"You were supposed to _catch_ me, assholes!" Millerna seethed, face pressed firmly against the floorboards. Nobody was listening. Hitomi peeked past Millerna's prone form into the surgical room and saw Allen lying on a table, surrounded by medical equipment. She suddenly gagged.

"Why is he _naked_?!"

"Don't question the doctor!" Millerna snapped, picking herself up off the floor.

The Crusade flew onward, accompanied on it's aft and starboard sides (I have no idea if that is right) by the Freid convoy ships. The travelers passed over craggy mountains, large, sparkling lakes, and green fields rich with crops. They continued chatting during the ride.

"Thank the stars Millerna was here!" Van chortled, elbowing Hitomi in the ribs. "She saved your ass! _Literally_!"

"Shut up." Hitomi was too relieved to even hit him.

"We're also getting into Freid pretty easy because of her," Gaddess said, joining the conversation.

"…Because she's borderline retarded and the guys at Freid feel sorry for her?" Hitomi ventured to ask.

"What?! No!" Gaddess protested heartily. "Why on earth would you think- Yes. Yes, that's the reason." He scratched his head in embarrassment. "It's also because Millerna's sister Marlene was married off to their ruler."

"...Who the heck is that?" Van and Hitomi had gone goggle-eyed.

"She was Austuria's oldest princess, dumbasses." Gaddess was in no mood for stupidity today. He'd already proved that with the stubborn microwave. "She got sick and died three years ago (probably to escape from her evil little sister), leaving her kid behind. Millerna volunteered to take care of him, but… I've never seen a kid cry harder. He's the Prince of the Duchy of Freid."

"Tee hee. _Duchy_." Van and Hitomi giggled softly.

"Would you cut that out?!" Gaddess exploded furiously. "I was having a serious monologue for once, _gawd_!" He stormed out of the room to find a good place to cry. Van and Hitomi stared after him solemnly.

"…_Duchy_."

"Ahahahahahaha!"

-Later on That Day-

The travelers had finally arrived at Freid. It looked like a pretty dry, sandy place, with long, low houses and a large palace that predominated the city. Inside, a man rang a gong as bald, monk-like men in robes muttered prayers along the walkway to the throne. A screen obscured the view of whoever occupied it and a big white-haired man sat next to screen, introducing the newcomers.

"The third Princess of the Kingdom of Austuria, Princess Millerna Aston has arrived." He gestured at Millerna, who sat kneeling with Gaddess and Van on either side.

"Gee," Millerna said dimly, "I don't remember the Duchy of Freid bein' a _screen_." The screen lifted up to reveal a small child sitting in the throne. "Oh. Of course."

"Hi, everyone!" The boy cried, waving his little hand enthusiastically. He was blonde and wore a funny crown with a green tunic and small sword strapped to his waist. He looked about six to eight years old. "You must be pooped! Well, my daddy isn't here right now, so I get to steal his seat without him beating my butt! Hee hee!" He began sucking his thumb cutely. Millerna looked up, a smile on her face.

"Chid!" She exclaimed with delight.

"Watch your language!" Gaddess snapped.

"I said Chid, not bleep. S-H-E-E-D. Alright?" She rolled her eyes at the man.

"You're so effing dumb…"

"Anyway, remember me, Chid?" Millerna ignored Gaddess effortlessly. "It's me, Auntie Millerna!"

"Yeah, I remember you." Chid scrunched up his face in distaste. "You stole all my toys and cheated when we played hide-and-seek. How could I forget?"

"You're a big boy!" Millerna continued on, oblivious. "Are you wiping your own ass yet?" Chid chose to ignore that last comment and looked at his other, smarterer guests. He glanced down at a large, signet ring on his finger.

"Auntie Millerna?" He asked, interrupting her (thank you, Chid). "I heard Allen Schezar arrived with you this afternoon. Is that him next to you?" He peered at Van, who sputtered in surprise. "When my mommy was alive, she'd never shut up about him! She said he was the biggest flirt and idiot in all the land! In fact, he was called the Idiot Knight! The Gay Guymelef Pilot! I've always hoped to meet him, considering he's my-"

_GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG_!

Everyone stopped and stared at the man who'd just rung the gong. He coughed nervously and fiddled with his gong-ringer thingey.

"Uh… sorry?" He apologized, then caught the camera's eye and winked.

"Er, Highness," the large man next to Chid cleared his throat, pulling everyone from the awkward silence. "You're mistaken."

"Damn _right_ ya are, brat!" Van guffawed, insulted Chid would even consider him to be Allen. "Maybe if I were a man-whore with an ego the size of the Messed-up Moon, _then_ I'd be Allen! I'm Van Fanel, King of Fanelia, and don't you forget it!"

"Oh. Oopsie." Chid adopted an innocent look, eyes wide and sparkling. "Sooowwy."

"Awww… so… _cute_…" Van couldn't help himself at Chid's display of childish adorableness. "Okay, I forgive you."

"I welcome you all to Freid!" Chid dropped the act and beamed at his guests. "Enjoy the chips and dip on the table to your left. There will also be some punch and karaoke later. I hope you all enjoy your stay here!" He turned to Van with a smile. "Please, think of my country as your own!" Van shrugged.

"Okay." He turned to the nearest guard standing by the walkway and punched him across the face. As the unfortunate guard dropped like a sack of potatoes, Van began sobbing and screaming insanely. "Where the HELL is my bastard brother?! He's such a _loser_! _Gawd_, I hate him! Someone _HUG_ meeeeeee!" He ran out of the throne room, wailing like a siren. Everyone stared after him, an uncomfortable stillness blanketing the mood.

"I… I didn't mean it like _that_…" Chid muttered to himself, eyes wide with shock. He'd be getting nightmares from this one. He shook his head once to clear it, then looked at his Aunty Millerna. "So, where's Allen now?"

"Geez, quit stalkin' him, kid!" Millerna barked, crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes in what she hoped was a challenging look (it only made her cross-eyed and look like a fool, as she usually did). "That's _my_ job!"

-With the Doctor (the Real One, Not Millerna, Thank Goodness)-

Everyone hovered around a bald (guess that's the trend in Freid, eh?) healer-man as he packed up his medical equipment, his job now done.

"He should be out of danger," he assured, standing up, thankful to leave the groups of idiots. "…Is that all the lines I have? Damn. Oh, well." He quickly left Allen's crew before he caught their stupid.

"Oh, thank goodness!" Hitomi clapped her hands with glee.

"I knew he'd be alright!" Reeden crowed, pumping a fist in the air.

"Hip-hip-hooray!" The others cheered in jubilation.

The now fixed up microwave shone with its new layer of chrome, slick and sleek as the day it was born (Are microwaves even born? Of course they are.). Its innards had been reinstalled and updated, and the new glass tray on the interior sparkled beautifully.

"Hey, shut up over there!" Allen hollered from his small bed crammed into the corner of the Healin' Room. "I'm trying to recover from a life-threatening wound over here, you bastards!" He rolled over and dejectedly fingered the small Looney-Tunes band-aid that covered the small scratch he'd received from Dilly. "Now Hitomi will _never_ sleep with me." He began sniffling softly, his eyes watering. "Will someone get these onions away from me?!" He viciously smacked the bowl of onions away and huddled deeper into this blankets.

Little Prince Chid stood behind the partying crew, staring at Allen in dismay.

"Wow. Allen _must_ be a loser to be crying over such a little wound. My mommy was right," he remarked aloud.

"I couldn't agree with you more!" Van sang, popping up next to Chid.

Allen peeped an eye open and gave a jolt of surprise when he realized people were paying attention to him again. He decided to take advantage of this rare moment, as he wanted more air-time, and began groaning weakly and stirring, as if waking up from a pain-induced coma.

"Oh, _geez_. He's awake," Hitomi drawled out. "Anyone got a frying pan we can knock him back out with?"

"No."

"Nope."

"Sorry!"

"Left mine at home."

"Lemme just pull that outta my ass…" Pyle began rolling up his sleeves.

"Shut up, you butt-munchers!" Allen straightened up with a snarl, but stopped short when he laid eyes on Hitomi. "Oh! Hey, baby! How 'bout that pity-sex I'm entitled to?" He winked suggestively while Hitomi tried not to hurl.

"Millerna healed your stupid little 'wound'. I'm free to go." She shot him a bland look as his jaw fell open in horror.

"Hiiiii Allen!" Millerna magically appeared out of thin air, bright and bouncy as ever. Allen stared insanely at her, killing intent clear in his eyes. "Let's get freaky once you've gotten better, 'kay?"

"I have never wanted to cause you physical harm as badly as right this moment." Allen stated bluntly.

"Oh, you sweet-talker, you!" Millerna scolded, blushing hotly. Allen's eyes widened as he suddenly remembered a woman from his past who looked very much like Millerna, only older and a hell of a lot more mature (and intelligent). Naturally, her name didn't come to mind.

"Oooh. That lady was _hot_." Allen thought to himself. "I sure wish I could remember her name. Charlene? No. Marlece? Naw, that's not it. Aw, screw it." He turned his attention back to the people in front of him, as they were talking again.

"Allen, this is Prince Chid," Millerna introduced, "the Duchy (giggle) of Freid, and your-"

_GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG_!

Everyone stopped and stared at the man and his gong who'd suddenly appeared in the Healing Room off to the side. He smiled sheepishly and gave an apologetic shrug.

"…Just testing out the new gong…" He quietly heaved up the instrument and dragged it out of the room.

"Uh… hi, Allen." Chid turned his gaze back to the lemon-headed Knight before him. "See my cool signet ring? It's make you wig out for a sec. Here." He held it up for Allen to see.

"Guhh!" Allen winced as more painful memories filled his head, not to mention the sun was reflecting off the stupid ring and searing his precious sight orbs.

"So, how do you feel now?" Chid asked, lowering his ring. Allen blinked his eyes several times in an attempt to clear them, then lunged forward and seized the person closest to him.

"Highness!" He cried passionately. "Zaibach is planning on attacking your country!"

"Uh… that's _already_ happened." Van said, fidgeting in Allen's grasp.

"Oh. Sorry." Allen scowled and squinted his eyes up until he caught sight of Chid through his blurred vision. He shoved Van away and grabbed hold of the little Prince in his place. "Please! Grant me an audience with your so-called father, the Duke! Believe me, they're going to attack you very soon! And that's when… the _penguins_ will invade!"

"P-penguins?" Chid asked, confused.

"Uh…" Millerna looked away in embarrassment. "Maybe I gave him a _liiittle_ too much laughing gas!"

"Guh!" Allen doubled over in (fake) pain, in one final effort to get the others to take more notice of him. Millerna was the only one who did.

"Don't worry, honey!" She cried, jumping on him. "I'll make it alllll better! Let's go play 'Doctor' again!"

"Noooo! Want Hitomi!" Allen grumbled.

"Prince Chid." Van spoke to the Prince, a serious look in his eye. "Allen left his country and honor behind to warn you!"

"Oh, believe me, I left my honor behind a _looooong_ time ago!" Allen interjected from his bed, underneath Millerna.

"Look," Van sighed and placed hands on hips. "Just do whatever he says and maybe he'll shut up sooner, okay?"

"Well, _I'm_ convinced!" Chid exclaimed.

-Later That Day-

Later that day (what am I, a broken record?) in the glow of the setting sun, Van, Borus (the big white-haired man who'd introduced the newcomers), and Gaddess crouched in a football huddle along one of the outside walkways of the large Freid Palace, trying to come up with a plan to win the game.

"So, if we go down and around…" Van was saying.

"Hey! We're supposed to be talking about the _story_, dumbass! Not a football game!" Gaddess growled, already on edge. He had had enough of stupid for one day and had little patience left to spare.

"He's right," Borus agreed, chewing on his mustache. "Let's get to it! Ahem. I still don't believe what that pansy, Allen Schezar said! Why would Zaibach attack us?"

"Because they're manipulative, conniving, back-stabbing S.O.B.s?" Van stated.

"…What's your point?" Borus asked blankly, failing to make the connection.

"Look, just interrogate that Zaibach prisoner!" Gaddess suggested, eager to escape to the sanctity of his room, where idiots there were none. "I'm sure he'll sing like a canary once you threaten him enough."

"Don't worry, we've already made arrangements," Borus said, nodding wisely.

"Arrangements for what?" Van asked, curious.

"For the tea-party, of course!" Borus said mockingly.

"…That's not funny." Van's eyes began welling with tears.

"My apologies," Borus amended with a sigh. "With the Duke away, we're going to have to treat this guy… _specially_."

'This guy' sat in his dank, dark, and dirty cell, seething inwardly at the filthy state of his abode. Miguel was _not_ happy. He liked to be squeaky clean and neat, and in this disgusting holding cell, it was nigh impossible.

"Ugh. Come on, Lord Dilandau." He thought to himself while trying not to think about what that small puddle on the floor could be. "Hurry up and save me already. I think I've caught lice or something… don't ask me how that's possible, what with everyone being bald! This place is just so friggin' nasty! Why couldn't one of the others been caught? Urrgggh…" He continued his silent lamentations as he scratched desolately at his head.

-On the Zaibach Floating Jellyfish-

Folken and Dilandau sat in a darkened room (geez, do those floatin' things even _have_ lights on 'em?), around a table with a bottle of wine and a few goblets. Woah! Those two are boozin' it up already? Come on boys, wait until the sun sets, at least! Think of the _children_!

"The Dragon has fled once again," Folken was saying in his normally enigmatic voice. It had no effect whatsoever on Dilandau, who was quite used to it by now.

"Pfft. Don't remind me." He growled, sipping at his drink. "What the hell else does it do? Frigging loser Van…" He trailed off as his evil dark side took over and he began thinking up wicked things to do to Van once he got hold of him.

"They also have Miguel." Folken pointed out, drawing Dilly out of his violent mental imaginings.

"Oh, don't worry," Dilandau said, brushing off Folken's warning. "Miguel's one of _my_ men. He'd sooner die than talk." He paused. "There's also the fact that I would horribly dismember him if he _did_ give out my beauty secrets."

"We're talking about ZAIBACH secrets, you fool!" Folken slammed a fist down on the table, causing the cups to jump and the wine bottle to almost tip over. Dilandau stared quietly at his superior.

"_Oh_. Then, yeah, we're screwed."

"Don't forget," Folken breathed, forcing himself to relax and sit back in his chair, "Freid has Plactu."

"…So why don't they brush their teeth?" Dilandau asked dubiously.

"I said Plactu! Not plaque, you dolt!"

"Oh." Dilandau inched his chair a safe distance away from the red-faced vampire wannabe. "Who the hell is that?"

"Plactu is…" Folken gripped the arms of his chair tightly, lest they latch onto his subordinate's vulnerable white neck, "…a priest, who is a master of hypnotic suggestion. He has trained for years to hone his skills and master his deadly technique. With it, he can extract information from anyone. His technique is simply legendary…"

"So, what does he do?" Dilandau inquired, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

"…_He makes a really annoying noise_." Folken said heavily, serious as an assassination.

"Oh, _BLEEP_." Dilandau's eyes were as big as saucers and filled with horror.

"It's been confirmed he's already on his way," Folken went on to explain.

"We gotta do something!" Dilandau leapt up from his seat, eyes blazing. "We have to kill that bastard before he reaches the Castle and learns all my beauty secrets!"

"Ahem." Folken shot Dilly a threatening glare.

"…And Zaibach secrets, too… I guess…" Dilandau pouted. Folken closed his eyes and spoke softly.

"Zongi…"

"Uh… gezundheit?" Dilandau cocked an eyebrow at Folken, wondering what the hell he was doing. He froze when a sickening stench assaulted his nostrils. "Wait… what's that smell? Ugh!"

"Yeah, sorry about that." Folken had the decency to blush. "I ripped one earlier and didn't warn you. Silent, but deadly."

"Gawd, what have you been _eating_?" Dilandau gagged, pinching his nostrils closed at the smell. "You should really go to the doctor, man. Aggh, my eyes are burning!" He glanced to the side and saw something even more horrible than Folken's flatulence problem. "HOLY BLEEPING BLEEP! Get it the _eff_ away from me!" He stumbled back, hitting into the table and upsetting the bottle and glasses in his haste to put some distance between him and the grotesque creature that had materialized in the air next to him.

The creature was tall and thin (like a model, only a whole lot more uglier), with blanched white skin and black hair pulled back in dreadlocks. Several stripes adorned its naked body (eww), adding to the overall creepiness. Its large, green eyes settled on Folken as it stepped forward and kneeled in submission.

"Ewww! Gross, he's a doppelganger!" Dilandau spat in disgust, continuing to back away. Folken seemed much less surprised at the creatures appearance and instead began issuing it orders.

"I have a task for you, Zongi." He said coolly.

"What is your wish?" Zongi asked in a voice barely louder than a whisper. "I live to serve you, Lord Folken."

"What are you, a frickin' genie?" Dilandau sneered from the opposite wall.

"You get the idea, kid," Zongi hissed, green eyes flickering over to the pretty-boy.

"_Kid_?!" Dilandau lunged at the doppelganger, killing intent etched in his expression.

-Back at the Palace of Freid-

Hitomi was once again staring up at the stars in the sky, leaning against a balcony ledge as boredom threatened to make her lose her sanity. There was nothing to do in this stupid place, and Van, being the baby he was, had already gone to bed. Asking Merle for company was out of the question, as was Millerna, so here she stood by herself, admiring the starry sky absently. They were so pretty, twinkling up there in the darkness, like little fireflies that-

"Hitomi!"

"Why does she have to ruin everything?" Hitomi sighed and hung her head. She readied herself mentally and turned to face the approaching Princess Millerna, who had a smile plastered on her face. Hitomi forced her own lips upward in what she hoped was a semblance of a smile. "Uh… hey."

"Loooook what you forgot!" Millerna sang, as she reached a hand behind her back to produce… wait for it… waaaaaaiiiit for it… just a few more seconds… it's… Hitomi's Magical Traveling Gym Bag! Who knew?!

"Okay, that's just _creepy_!" Hitomi declared, eyeing the bag fearfully.

"Hey there, toots!" The Gym Bag sneered dangerously. "You ain't never gonna get away from me! You try to leave me again, and I swear I'll kill you, bitch!"

"What?" Hitomi gulped, terrified.

"Sorry!" Millerna giggled, peeking out from behind the gym bag. "Did I scare you? Anyway, here ya go!" She tossed the bag to Hitomi, who barely managed to catch it and keep her balance.

"Uh… thanks…" Hitomi said weakly. "I guess… But how did you know I'd be here?"

"I don't know!" Millerna admitted, tossing her shining hair out of her face. "It's as if some strange, invisible power made me do it! Anyway, it seems we'll be spending some time together, so let's be friends, okay Hitomi?" She turned to leave and gave Hitomi one last parting wave.

"…Damn Unseen Forces…" Hitomi grumbled, shouldering her bag.

-With Dilandau-

Dilandau snuck a look at the approaching Freid airship from the large boulder he was currently hiding behind. Well, not hiding so much as waiting in ambush, really. The darkened sky also helped mask his presence, making him almost invisible to his unsuspecting victims. He was in his trademark crimson Guymelef, and itching for a fight.

"That's the ship, alright," he growled in annoyance as he studied the ship. "I'd recognize those retarded sails anywhere. Look, they've got big red targets painted on them! These stupid Freidians are just _askin'_ to be killed! I bet I could take it down in one single shot!"

"Knock it off with the bloodlust, kid," Zongi, dressed in a long brown cape, reprimanded from the Guymelef's arm where he was stationed. "You need some meds."

"Enough with the freaking meds already! Holy _steaming_ crap, you're just like Folken!" Dilandau exploded. He hadn't been able to take a shower yet that day and his hair was in need of a touch-up. Not to mention he thought he saw a zit developing on his chin earlier that day. "Get ready."

The Stealth Cloak of his Oreades activated, rising up and covering the melef from sight. In seconds, only a shimmering patch stood in the place where the melef had been just a second before. An enormous metal arm came into view as Dilandau raised his appendage and aimed it at the passing ship. Zongi jumped down from the melef's shoulder to its hand (well, stump, really), and whipped off his mantle, giving Dilandau a much unwelcome eyeful.

"Aww, sweet Demons below! I saw your _ass_! It's all pale and saggy, too! Hurrghh!" Dilandau clapped a hand to his mouth in a desperate attempt to keep his food in as his stomach lurched.

"Shut up, brat!" Zongi spat, hopping from the stump to a newly-formed Crima Claw. Dilandau hurriedly shot the Crima Claw out toward the Freid ship, carrying the nasty-ass doppelganger with it. Having put a little too much juice into it, the Crima Claw flew with too much force and slammed Zongi unceremoniously onto the ships deck. He lay there, twitching in pain as the Crima Claw retracted.

"Urgh… you did that… on purpose…" Zongi gasped out, slowly picking himself up and checking himself for any broken bones. When he was sure he was alright, Zongi stiffened and leaned close to the floor of the deck. He suddenly faded from sight and slipped into the ships interior.

Dilandau made a face as the Crima Claw slid back into its sheath, having fulfilled its purpose.

"I'm gonna go stab my eyes out now," he grumbled, the image of Zongi's pale rear still branded in his mind. "Thanks bunches, Folken."

-In the Healin' Room (You Know, Where Stupid Allen is)-

Princess Millerna sat next to the prone form of Allen Schezar, gazing dreamily at her Knight in shining armor. She smiled at him, causing him to shiver and back away.

"I… can't believe you chased after me…" Allen began, a little nervously. "You must be really desperate… that, or you think my ass is as sweet as _I_ do."

"You didn't leave the country just to save Freid, did you?" Millerna asked softly.

"…When the hell did I ever say I was gonna save- er… I mean… of course I did!" Allen coughed to hide his guilt.

"I know you were worried Zaibach would attack Austuria as well," Millerna continued despite Allen's obvious lie.

"Oh, she can die for all I care!" Allen declared heatedly, but was interrupted by Milly once again.

"Daddy will understand it someday…" she went on. "That you love Austuria more than anything…" Her face screwed up as the realization of what she'd just said hit her. "What? Hey! That _whore_! Now I have more competition?! Dammit all! Can't I get a break?" Allen slowly pulled the blanket up over his head as Millerna's rants grew more vivid and violent.

-Outside the Palace of Freid-

"It's the crack of dawn," Hitomi observed, stifling a yawn as she ran a hand through her mussed up hair while regarding Van's upraised rumpus with his ass-crack peeping from his white pants.

"Huh?" Van glanced back at Hitomi over his shoulder. He was bent over for no apparent reason and so straightened up. "What did you say?"

"Nothing." Hitomi grimaced and looked away. "Van, why did you drag me out here at this ungodly hour, anyway?"

"To profess my undying love to you! Duh!" Van grinned widely.

"R…really?" Hitomi stared at him in awe, a soft blush creeping over her face.

"Nope!"

"Then why the hell am I here?" Hitomi snapped. "And Merle, too?" She glared at the cat-brat, who stood a few feet away, grooming herself.

"Oh, please!" Merle hissed between licks. "You're such a skank that I can't leave you alone with Lord Van for a second, else you'd be all over him like butter on toast! _That's_ why I'm here!"

"God I hate you."

"Look, Hitomi," Van interjected before the two girls could begin a WWF match (and I don't mean the World Wildlife Federation!). "You've been able to point out those invisible loser with your creepy powers, right? You gotta show me how to do it!"

"So you can fight them?" Hitomi asked, quirking an eyebrow at him.

"_Hells_ no! So I can run the _eff_ away when I see 'em!" Van chortled.

"Figures…" Hitomi groaned before relenting. "Alright, fine, ya wuss."

"Oh, happy day!" Van hopped up and clicked his heels together in joy.

-Onboard That Freid Ship, the One with Plactu-

Plactu sat on a colorful rug in his candle-lit quarters, eyes closed and hands folded together, praying quietly. He was bald, with a hawk-like nose, and wore prayer beads and orange monk robes. A nearby candle flickering in warning, and his eyes snapped open as he quickly stood up.

"An assassin!" He hissed sharply. "…That or a Jehova's witness! I swear, those guys find you no matter _where_ you live… huh?" He whirled around, readying himself to face his foe. "Budda buddaaaa! You are pretty good to get in here without me noticing- why the hell am I speaking in a thick middle-eastern accent? Oh, well." He shrugged before continuing. "Anyway… I will not take any _fliers_!"

Plactu slapped his hands together, preparing to fight, but Zongi moved faster. Rushing him from his flank, he seized Plactu's head and wrenched it to the side so they stared at each other, face-to-face. Plactu's eyes widened upon seeing his enemy.

"Oh sweet gods! You're one ugly mo-fo!" He gasped in disgust. "Awgh! And you're _naked_, too! Even worse!"

"Will you people stop _saying_ that? I have feelings of my own, you know!" Zongi growled. "Your ass is mine!" So saying, he opened his mouth wide. A strange, unearthly light began shining in the back of his throat, and shot from his orifice into Plactu's. Plactu screamed as the light passed between their mouths, and he began withering away while Zongi took on the semblance of the monk. Finally, the transformation finished, Zongi, now a mirror image of the Freidian monk, dropped the dead body of the true Plactu onto the floor. "Oooh. And it's a _nice_ one, too…" Zongi purred, glancing over his shoulder to admire his new physique.

-Back to the Van and Hitomi's Variety Hour!-

Hitomi stood before Van, (who had his sword drawn, for some strange reason), coaching him in the ways of creepiness and prediction. She held her trusted pendant out before her, sparkling and dangling on its thin string.

"Picture what you want to find in your mind, that's all there is to it!" Hitomi gloated, smug in her psychic abilities.

"How about my dignity?" Van asked, face downcast.

"I don't think even _I_ could find that." Hitomi confessed. Van sighed but pressed on, determined to learn how to be as creepy as Hitomi.

"When you find what you're looking for," Hitomi explained, "the pendant swings in that direction."

"But…" Van protested, "I don't _have_ a pendant. …Can I use…" He looked down at his crotch as Hitomi squeezed her eyes shut, feeling a bit sick.

"_NO_, Van." She said firmly, knowing she should have expected this to happen. Van certainly wasn't the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

"Darn." Van began pouting, another expected action.

"With practice, you can do it just by picturing the pendant in your mind," Hitomi went on, desperate to change the subject. However, at the word 'pendant', Van's gaze once again drifted down to his business. "Van! Eyes up here!" Hitomi snapped her fingers a few times and motioned toward her eyes to catch his attention again.

"So, what should I look for?" Van asked.

"Good question," Hitomi said. "How about George Bush's popularity votes? Ahaha. Just kidding."

"Oh, snap!" Van slapped his leg and cackled aloud at Hitomi's jibe.

"Okay, it wasn't that funny." Hitomi sighed and looked around. "Now what _can_ you look for?"

"For me, Lord Van! Look for me!" Merle squealed, popping up like a Jack-in-the-Box and mewling with delight.

"Who'd wanna find you?" Hitomi growled under her breath, but Van shrugged in assent, so that was that. "Oh, alright."

Merle dashed off to the side of the garden they were practicing in and sprang over a low hedge. Crouching down on all fours, she crept silently and unseen along the hedge until she found a suitable hiding place where she settled down and waited. Prince Chid appeared on a balcony overseeing the garden and stopped in wonder, staring at the fiasco taking place below him.

"What do you think they're doing?" He asked Borus, who walked up behind him. After several moments of contemplation, Borus answered as truthfully as possible.

"I'd rather not know."

"Come on, Lord Van! Find me!" Merle thought to herself, wiggling excitedly.

"Picture her in your mind," Hitomi coached. "Clear your mind and concentrate as hard as you can. But… not too hard, though! You might hurt yourself."

"Gee, _thanks_." Van stuck his tongue out at her before squinching his eyes shut in concentration.

"You're doing fine," Hitomi said warmly. "Just make the image clear. Just wait until you see her. Those long, freaky ears, the freaky tail, that annoyingly curled hair, those big dumb eyes, her obnoxious personality, that big mouth, and that nose!" (Wow! I barely even had to change that part to make it insulting!) "In fact, she- OW!" Hitomi's next insult was cut short as a small but hard rock came in contact with her skull.

"Take that!" Merle thought angrily, ducking back down behind the hedge. Van, however, wasn't doing to good with the exercise.

"Grr! I can't!" He opened his eyes, which glistened with imminent tears. "It's not working! I don't want to even _think_ about her! Hitomiiiiii!" Van squirmed impatiently.

"Okay! Quit whining!" Hitomi waved at him, trying to calm him down. "You're such a baby! You might suck at it the first time, but anyone can do it with practice. Even… _ALLEN_."

"Damn! This crap _must_ be easy!" Van whistled, impressed.

"Look, just watch." Hitomi decided teaching by example was the best way for Van to learn. She held up her pendant as Van and Chid watched expectantly. Hitomi closed her eyes and began talking to her friendly pendant again. "Hey, buddy. How ya doing? Yeah, yeah. It's me again. Got another job for ya. Mmm-hmm. Okay, could you tell me where the annoying cat-girl is? Oh… really? No, I haven't heard the one about the rabbi and the llama. Yeah? Ahahahaha! Whoo! That's a good one! So… she's… THERE!" Hitomi cried aloud and jabbed a finger in the direction of Merle's hiding place.

"Like hell I'm coming out!" She hissed, fur frizzing in fury (ffffff!). "Wait… how can I even tell she's pointing at me? I'm behind this damn bush!"

"Merle!" Van called out. Merle's ears shot up and her eyes sparkled.

"You found me, Lord Van!" She squealed, leaping up from the hedge and doing a little dance. Her performance came to a halt as Prince Chid suddenly appeared, clapping his hands with approval. Hitomi noticed something odd.

"How the hell did you get down from that balcony so fast?"

"That was soooo cool!" Chid cried, oblivious to Hitomi's question. "Do it again! Do it again! How did you do that? Are you a witch?!"

"Uh… I… Uh…" Hitomi stuttered, not sure how to answer. Merle's solution was to run up and body-slam her into oblivion. Heaving Hitomi up like a rag doll, Merle smiled smugly at the little Prince.

"Don't pay any attention to her, Princey! She's just a quack fortune-teller, like that faker, Miss Cleo! She tells fortunes like love and the future, but it's waaaay creepy!" She began making scary ghost sounds and wiggling her fingers at Hitomi, who didn't appreciate her gesture.

"Can it, Merle!" She brought her fist back to shut Merle up, but Prince Chid jumped on her again with questions.

"Is it true?" He asked, eyes shining.

"Huh?" Hitomi was still eyeing the fist, wishing desperately to let it sink into Merle's soft, unprotected face with a satisfying thud.

"Can you really predict the future, Hitomi?" Chid was more specific this time around. Hitomi sighed, knowing her chance to hit Merle was gone with the wind (where's Miss Scarlet?).

"Yeah, kinda. When I do one of my readings, I can see it."

"Wow! Not even Plactu can do that!" Chid was definitely impressed. "Hitomi, can you predict _my_ future? Pweeeeze?" He flashed puppy eyes and stuck out his lower lip in an adorable pout (much cuter than Van's, anyway).

"C-can't… resist… too… cute!" Hitomi struggled to say no but was unable to. "Oh, alright, alright! I will!"

"Hooray!" Chid dropped the act and bounced up and down happily.

"Borus!" A bald soldier (as they all were) with a spear came running into the scene. He screeched to a halt in front of the large man (or rather, smashed into him and had to recover for a few minutes before reporting his… report). "We just received word that Plactu has arrived at the port!"

"Kick-ass!" Borus boomed, throwing a meaty arm skywards. "Let's go, sonny!"

"Okidok!" Chid giggled and went along. Nearby, Van frowned in suspicion, perhaps for the first time becoming aware of his mental capabilities… or he was just passing gas. Most probably it was the latter.

-In the Throne Room-

Prince Chid now sat on the throne again, this time sitting before 'Plactu', who we all know is really Zongi in disguise. He bowed before his Prince, easily fooling everyone present.

"Thanks for coming, baldy!" Chid chimed sweetly. "Do you best, okay?"

"Oh, I _will_…" Zongi said assuredly, "_when I burn this city to the ground and slaughter everyone in sight_." He paused as an awkward silence filled the throne room. "…It seems I have lose the ability to have an inner monologue while in this form. Damn it all."

"Uh… have fun!" Chid clapped his hands, dismissing the conference.

"Thank goodness everyone here is a complete idiot." Zongi grumbled to himself while rising.

-Down in the Dungeon-

Zongi stood in the flickering firelight of the torches in the darkness of the dungeon, with Borus next to him. They were readying themselves for the questioning of the prisoner.

"Borus," the fake Plactu said, "would you mind leaving me alone with the prisoner so I can properly kill- I mean, interrogate him?"

"But-" Borus started to protest.

"You will listen to me, human fool!" Zongi barked, then waved a hand in front of Borus's face in an attempt to sway him with Jedi mind tricks. Naturally, they had no effect whatsoever.

"…What on earth are you trying to do?"  
"Aw, hell." Zongi quit trying to use the Force and used another kind, by effectively punching out the larger man with a powerful right hook. He turned away from the unconscious man, shaking his hand in pain. "Damn head's as hard as a boulder…"

Nearby, Miguel sat sulking in his moist cell, slowly being driven insane by the incessant drippings coming from the ceiling and walls. It was gross, not to mention very annoying. He jerked in surprise when a shadow fell over him and looked up to see a strange, bald man looking over him on the other side of the cell bars.

"You must be Miguel," Zongi observed, raising an eyebrow at the prisoner. Miguel gasped aloud.

"How did you know my name?" He asked in astonishment.

"You have a nametag, dumb-ass." The doppelganger snarled, pointing at Miguel's chest, where indeed a nametag was pinned.

"You must be from Zaibach," Miguel said slowly. "Everyone else is so stupid they didn't even notice it."

"Correct." Zongi smiled evilly.

-Back With Allen and Milly-

Allen lay in his warm, comfortable bed, dreaming lazily of (what else?) women and winning several beauty contests. He'd just gotten to the part where he was being given the sparkling crown when Princess Millerna slammed open the door and strode in like she owned the place, waking him.

"Morning, sweetness!" She said brightly. "I brought you some breakfast! I made it myself!" She held up a tray filled with what looked like blackened tar. Allen's mind worked furiously to formulate a plan that didn't involve him having to eat the vile concoction.

"Princess Millerna?" He asked, trying to change the subject.

"Yes?" Millerna looked up from her tray of goodness to her object of affection.

"Could you… ask Hitomi to come to me? Preferably in a skimpy outfit."

"Oh, you pig!" Millerna cried, incensed. "No breakfast for you!"

"Mission accomplished." Allen could barely restrain the smile that threatened to spread out across his face.

-Aaaaand We're Back in the Dungeon-

"A strange woman?" Zongi repeated, cocking his head as he mulled this new information over. "With fine-ass legs, you say?"

"Yes," Miguel said firmly, nodding his head. "My Guymelef was invisible, but she pointed straight at me!"

"Hmm. Alright." Zongi had made up his mind. "Leave the girly to me."

"Are you going to break me out of here?" Miguel was desperate to escape.

"Nope," was the blunt response.

"What?!" Miguel slammed himself up against the bars of his cage. "Why not?! It's stinky and dirty down here, not to mention I'm getting a rash on my ass! I need out _now_!"

"I have a little job for you." Zongi responded, lifting his hand ominously.

-A While Later-

Zongi drew back his hand and violently slapped the prone Borus across the face, rousing him. Borus's eyelids flickered open, then focused as he realized lying on the ground with one side of his face stinging was certainly not normal.

"Woah! What's going on? And why does my face hurt?" He rubbed it tenderly.

"It was…" Zongi searched for a plausible answer, "…_ninjas_."

"Ninjas?" Borus repeated dubiously.

"Yes! That's what I said!" Zongi promised. "Ninjas jumped out of the walls and hit you across the face! But don't worry, you're okay now." Borus stared at Zongi so long and hard he began doubting his wild story had been believed.

"Wow! That's awesome! I can't wait to tell the guys at work!" Borus exclaimed with excitement. Zongi rolled his eyes.

"Shut up and listen, meat-bag!" He grabbed the large man by his robe and pulled him closer. "The prisoner is ready."

"Oh. Sweet." Borus adopted a pleased expression.

"Plactu!" Both men turned to see Prince Chid appear from around the corner of the dungeon entrance and approach them. "I wanna watch!"

"No, brat! Get lost!" Zongi was in no mood for kids hanging around and annoying him.

"Buh… buh… buh…" Zongi gulped as Chid began stammering and stuttering, eyes filling with tears and lower lip quivering dangerously. If something wasn't done soon, the brat was sure to pitch a fit.

"Argh! Alright, alright! You can watch!" The fake monk grudgingly agreed, waving his arms in the air to soothe the sputtering Prince.

"Yippee!" The waterworks shut off quick as a light switch and was replaced by a smug little smile.

"I'll just slit your throat later…" Apparently Zongi's inner monologue still needed some tweaks.

"What?" Chid asked innocently.

"I said I'll sit on your goat later. Come on!" Zongi snatched the boy up and stomped over to Miguel's jail cell, where he sat facing out of the bars, a bored expression plastered on his face. Zongi dropped Chid and gestured toward the prisoner while speaking to Borus. "Okay, ask your questions."

"Understood." Borus looked Miguel in the face and frowned deeply. "What is your name, Zaibach soldier?" Miguel scowled up at him, eyes darkening with anger and contempt.

"I'm not telling yo-" He began.

"_EEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNN_!!!!" Zongi cut him off and began using his legendary hypnotic technique that was revered the world over – _making a really annoying noise._ It worked quite well.

"Augh! Dear God that sound is so annoying!" Miguel hollered, clapping hands over his ears in an attempt to drown out the hideous sound. "My name is Miguel! Miguel Lavriel! Just stop!" Zongi relented and glanced at Borus, who chewed on his mustache as he cast about for another question.

"What were you doing alone on our border?" He asked next.

"I was meeting your _mother_-"

"_EEEEHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNN_!" Zongi was quick on the draw and stopped Miguel from giving any disturbing details.

"Gah! No, not again!" Miguel grit his teeth and tried to endure the horrible noise washing over him. It was too much to bear. "I… was… tracking down a rebel!" He spurted out. "At Austuria's request!" Chid gasped at this latest development. Borus's eyes lit up with curiosity.

"A rebel? Who is it?"

"It's a man, if you'd _consider_ him a man-" Miguel started to answer.

"_EEEHH_-" Zongi warned.

"Okay! Okay!" Miguel huffed and continued. "It's a man who planned to overthrow Austuria with the help of Fanelia's King." Here he paused dramatically. "Allen… Schezar!" Chid gasped so loud one would think the poor kid had asthma and was in dire need of his aspirator. Perhaps learning of Allen's treachery was too much.

"Oh, no!" He cried dismally. "…I'm missing _Barney_!" Or not.

"Highness, he just said Allen is a traitor." Borus explained patiently. Chid stood quietly for several moments.

"So… no Barney, then?"

"No, Highness." Borus sighed, wondering when he could enroll for retirement. Instead, he turned his inner rage toward the Zaibach soldier sitting in the jail cell. "That can't be true! I won't believe it, you little scoundrel!"

"But it's true!" Miguel disputed.

"Then why did Allen turn you over to us?" Borus growled, pointing out a major flaw in the prisoner's declaration.

"Because he's an _idiot_." Miguel replied bluntly.

"…Damn!" Borus snapped his fingers in disappointment. "That makes perfect sense."

"Listen," Miguel grew tired of these stranger's stupidity and so decided to make it easier for their pea-sized brain and explain his diabolical plan. "Allen wants to make Austuria and Freid fight, so he can take advantage of the confusion and crown himself King of Austuria."

"What?!" Borus lunged forward, seizing the cells bars in his mighty grasp. So great was his rage that he accidentally wrenched the cell door of it's hinges and stood there awkwardly, holding it. "Uh… I can fix this…"

"No!" Chid cried heatedly.

"No?" Borus looked down at his liege, confused. "You don't want this door fixed? What, don't tell me you like it better this way-"

"You're lying!" The little Prince viciously accused the prisoner. "It's a lie! A lie!"

-Back… AGAIN… With Allen, Millerna, and Hitomi-

Hitomi stared blandly back at Allen's smiling face, wondering if killing him then and there was uncalled for.

"A _striptease_?" She repeated, less than amused.

"Yeah!" Allen nodded enthusiastically. "It'll _totally_ make me feel better."

"No way in hell, jackass!" Hitomi snatched up a bowl from a table close by and whipped it at the perverted Knight's head. Fortunately for him, he dodged it. _Un_fortunately for us, he dodged it.

"Ok, fine!" Allen squealed, holding up an arm to shield himself from any more incoming projectiles. "Then how about one of those creepy psychic readings?"

"That, I'll do." Hitomi assented, lowering her newest weapon, a weighty pestle that normally would grind medicines but in this case would have been used to bludgeon Allen's skull into a bloody pulp.

"Do a reading for that Zaibach soldier with the gorgeous hair we took prisoner, mmkay?" Allen clarified. "Oh, and find out who styles his hair, too, would ya?"

"You don't really believe all this psychic crap, do you, Allen?" Millerna asked anxiously, frightening the crap out of Allen, Hitomi, and all the readers since they had no idea she was also in the room.

"I believe Hitomi has _boobs_." Allen replied truthfully. "That's pretty much the same thing." Hitomi sighed as she rustled around in her pocket for her Tarot cards.

-Back in the Dungeon, and There's A lot of Scene Changes Comin' Up, So No More Headers-

"Emergency stations! Dispatch the Royal Guard! Keep an eye on the prisoner! And _some_one get me my warm milk!" Borus was issuing orders while Freidian soldiers ran around him in circles, trying to look busy. Zongi stood off to the side, still smiling sinisterly (That's a freakin' word? Wow, it is. My stupid Spell-check hasn't underlined it yet. Those lines are so frigging annoying. Okay. Sorry. I'll shut up now.).

Hitomi flipped through her deck of Tarot cards, brow furrowed with concentration. Several cards were spread out before her, and she pointed to each one as she did her prediction.

"Danger… Conflict… this suggests tension." She tapped a card before moving on to others. "And this one is the Warrior of Dragons…" She stopped and made a face. "Gee. Wonder who that could be."

"Me?" Allen asked stupidly.

"No!" Hitomi restrained herself from picking up the pestle she still kept by her side, just in case. "It means Van, moron! Anyway, I'll continue." She began pointing out the different cards again. "World… Death! A great power is guiding everyone toward an end, so that everything can be reborn!"

"…It isn't me, if that's what your girls are think-"

"WE KNOW IT'S NOT YOU!" Millerna and Hitomi hollered at Allen, causing him to cringe under their verbal abuse in fear. He waited several moments for their blood pressure to return to normal before voicing his thoughts.

"So! The end of everything!" He rubbed his chin in what he hoped looked like a thoughtful manner. It only made him look like he was wiping crap off his chin. "That's what Zaibach is after! Perhaps I could have forgiven them if they were only illegally downloading music, but _this_!"

"And the prisoner…" Hitomi flipped over a card from her deck and gasped in surprise. The card she now held was blank, with no markings on it whatsoever. "The spare card? What? I always take it out before I start…"

"So… why's it blank?" Millerna leaned forward for a better look (As did Allen, but he was looking somewhere else, if you get my drift. And if you do, you're naughty!).

"Oh, bleeps!" Hitomi cried as the lights upstairs came on.

Outside the Palace, a guard looked up from scratching his balls and was viciously cuffed by Miguel, who'd been set free by the imitation Plactu. As the man crashed to the ground, Miguel finished it up by kicking him several times in the stomach.

"That's for calling me a snob, you unclean barbarians!" Miguel growled, finally letting his anger out. Not in a healthy way, though. He turned from his fallen victim and gazed up at his still damaged Guymelef. "I hope it's still functional…"

Back in the palace, screens snapped up in a room to reveal heavily armed Freidian warriors, who charged in to apprehend the criminals-

"EEEEK!"

"Oops. This is the women's dressing quarters." One of the warriors realized, face turning red. He turned around to his blushing compatriots. "It's the next room over! Let's go! And quit _starin'_ like that, Leeroy! Move!"

The next room over, screens snapped up to reveal heavily armed Freidian warriors, who charged in to apprehend the criminals, Allen, Hitomi, and Millerna (Okay, Millerna and Allen kinda deserve it, but Hitomi?). Millerna had an arm wrapped around Allen, helping to support him, even though it was quite apparent that he didn't need any help to stand up and was just being his horny self.

"Wait, Borus!" Allen protested, catching sight of the large, white-haired man standing behind the soldiers. "What's going on?" Prince Chid stepped out from behind Borus. "Highness?"

"Allen…" Chid lifted his gaze to meet the Knight's, his eyes brimming with tears. "You… made me miss Barney!"

"Aaaand?" Borus prompted sternly.

"Aaaand he's a traitor." Chid finished sourly, rolling his eyes in exasperation.

"A traitor?" Millerna repeated.

"Prince Chid!" Allen and Hitomi cried in unison. Allen giggled like a teenager. "Jinks you owe me a coke!"

"Borus, sir!" Yet another nameless Freidian soldier ran into the room and up to their commander. "The prisoner has escaped! …And it's not my fault! Please don't kill me!"

"What?!" Borus whirled around, roaring like a grizzly bear.

"It's just as the cards said!" Millerna wailed. "So creeeepy!"

-Outside the Palace-

Outside the Palace (whoops, sorry, repeat again), Miguel was making his escape. And by 'making his escape', I mean he was stupidly smashing buildings and making a big ruckus when he should have been high-tailing it outta there. He was piloting his damaged melef, which was missing an arm and looked rather banged up.

"Great, it's working!" Miguel exclaimed with delight. "And the Stealth Cloak, too!" He punched a nearby building, making a nice big hole in it. "That's for putting me in that disgusting jail cell!"

Zongi surveyed the destruction with open disgust and impatience.

"That idiot!" He growled. "He should just escape!" He jerked his head up when a shadow swooped over him, approaching the rampaging Guymelef with haste. Miguel turned to see Van riding in on his Dragon-form Escaflowne, wearing his beloved cowboy hat and 'yee-haw'ing loudly. He pulled up short and glared at the Zaibach soldier, a silent threat in his gaze.

"You! You're mine, suckah!" Van jabbed a finger at his prey. "I haven't done anything cool in this episode yet! I just checked my watch, and it's the _ass_-kickin' hour!" He kicked Esca into gear and charged Miguel, who quickly dodged to the side. Escaflowne circled around as Miguel tried to fire a Crima Claw at the flying Dragon, but failed.

"Dammit! Not enough pressure!" Miguel cursed, lowering his arm.

Van pulled Escaflowne up and sang, "Mighty Morphin', Power RANGERS!" as the Escaflowne transformed into it's Guymelef form and landed/crashed onto the ground in front of Miguel's melef, who jumped back and activated his Stealth Cloak. "Crap!" Van swore. "Now I can't see my target! Not again! You cheater!" He drew his blade and began chopping around at the empty air. "Where are you?! Where're you hiding?!" Van looked left, right, up, down. Even in his pants, just to make sure. Nothing. "Wait, I know! …Marco!" He stopped and listened intently, expecting an answer. He tried again. "…Marco!" Still no answer. "You're supposed to say 'Polo', dammit!"

"Man, what an idiot." Miguel sniffed with disdain. "How dumb does he think I am? Oh, well. He doesn't have that chick with him, so he can't see me!" A mischievous grin spread over his face while Van continued his ever increasingly frantic search.

"Crap! Where is that loser?" Van was getting panicky and scared, not a good sign. Soon he'd wet his pants and then everything would go downhill from there. "Where is he gonna attack from?"

"Gee, maybe from you _back_?" Escaflowne grumbled, not happy to have an idiot as its pilot.

"Now's not the time, Esca!" Van returned. "Oh, wait a second! I can use Hitomi's creepy lil' technique!" He lowered his sword and closed his eyes, the rusty gears in his head creaking and groaning as they began working after a very, very long vacation. Sweat broke out all over his face as it turned the hue of tomatoes.

"What's that chump doing?" Miguel narrowed his eyes when he saw the enemy unit freeze and stand still. "Hmph. If I kill him, then Lord Dilandau will just have to forgive me! Hah! A perfect plan!"

"Concentrate…" Hitomi's disembodied voice began coaching Van as he tried to remember what she'd taught. It was kinda hard, since she'd changed back to her school uniform and her legs had looked mighty fine that morning. "Concentrate on what you want to find…"

"Uh, Hitomi?" Van coughed politely. "You're really distracting me, here."

"Oh. Sorry." The disembodied voice of Hitomi shrugged in apology and left. As Van started up his thinking again, an arm slid forth from the Stealth Cloak as Miguel prepared to strike. A deadly Crima Claw peeked out, thirsty for blood.

"If I force all my liquid metal into one claw," Miguel said to himself, "I can take him! Total annihilation!" He smirked in satisfaction.

"Uh… Unseen Forces?" Van asked nervously. "Do you think you guys could… you know… give me a hint? Please? Wha- _behind_ _me_?!"

"Told ya, kid!" Escaflowne laughed.

"Shut it, Esca!" Van growled as he wheeled around.

"Die!" Miguel pulled the trigger and the Crima Claw shot out toward its target. Van turned just in time to slice off the offending arm of the enemy Guymelef, destroying it. The Stealth Cloak disengaged and Miguel became visible for all to see.

"How the hell did you do that?" Miguel cried, falling back. Van's answer was to swing his sword down and catch Miguel on the shoulder, further dismantling his melef and resulting in a fiery explosion. Geez, who the heck does Van think he is? James Bond?

"Yeah! I rock!" Van would have patted himself on the back but was too busy piloting Escaflowne. His victory was short-lived, however, once he saw Miguel crawling out of the wreckage and trying to flee. "Oh, no you don't! If anyone is gonna run away, it'll be _me_!" Van surged forward but stopped short when weird hand-like thingies shot out of nowhere and grabbed hold of him. "Hey, what the heck are these things?" Van looked down to see Freidian soldiers (they were the ones using the hand thingies) standing at his feet, as well as Guymelef units surrounding him. Van gulped. "Whatever it is, I didn't do it!"

Miguel, meanwhile, took advantage of the situation to hide in a darkened alleyway. He grit his teeth and glanced down at his bloodied leg.

"Shoulda never tried to eat those french-fries and ketchup in my Guymelef…" He growled. "Look at this! It's sure to stain! I can't escape like this! What do I do?"

"How about you die?" Zongi (in his doppelganger form) asked with a maniacal grin, suddenly appearing behind him. White hands shot out and seized Miguel's neck in a strangle hold. Miguel began struggling violently.

"Uh, how about no?!" Miguel reared his head back and head-butted Zongi between the eyes. The doppelganger crumpled into an unconscious heap while Miguel gasped, trying to regain his breath. "Man, screw this crap! I'm going to Disney Land! Later, losers!" So saying, Miguel turned on his heel and left, never to be seen again (except in Disney Land).

-Inside the Palace-

Hitomi and Allen sat forlornly in their jail cell, watching with vague amusement while Millerna resisted her captors. Prince Chid and Borus also watched the spectacle, as it was quite funny.

"Get your man-hands off me!" Millerna hollered, vainly trying to shove away the man who was dragging her off by the arm. "How dare you- _ooh_. You've got quite a strong grip. What's your name, hubby?" She fluttered her eyelashes flirtatiously and sidled closer to the man, who flushed crimson and yanked her out the door, slamming it closed. The performance now over, Hitomi stood up and addressed the small Prince.

"Prince Chid!" Hitomi called. Chid met her gaze and slowly walked up to the cell door, eyes glued to Allen's face.

"I've always laughed at you because of the funny stories my mom would tell me about you." Chid said softly. "This is very unfortunate. It was all true! My mom told me nothing but truth about you, Allen Schezar…"

"Prince Chid, tell me…" Allen spoke calmly, perhaps not realizing the dangerous situation he was in. You can't blame him, he was a bit busy being preoccupied with how to make his hair shiny. "Have you ever believed in someone with your whole heart?"

"I believe this is the gayest crap I've every heard." Chid confessed.

"Sometimes it takes more courage to believe in someone than to fight and dismiss it so easily. Highness, do you understand the meaning of that kind of courage?" Allen went on spouting his lovey-dovey garbage.

"…No." Prince Chid was completely lost. Hitomi stared at the two blondes, something about them bothering her.

"Hmm. That's strange…" Hitomi thought to herself. "It's almost as if there's a strong bond between Allen and Prince Chid. It's almost as if they're-"

_GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNGGGG_!

"_Would you cut that out_?!" Hitomi threw her shoe at the gong-man, where it hit his head with a satisfying _THUD_.

-Episode 10 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Phew! Sorry again that this one took so long! It'll probably be another short while before I write the next episode, since I had a brain fart and forgot something I need to write the next one. Instead, I'll write another of my Gaara fics or something like that. Sorry! Still, I hope you liked this once. Later! Review, please!


	11. Episode 11: Prophecy of Dumbness

Author's Note: Whew! It's been a long time, huh? Sorry. I forgot something essential to write my fics, so I had to postpone it. Well, here you go! Sorry again! Review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 11

Prophecy of Dumbness

Recap: Allen gets fixed up by Milly (sort of) and the crew arrive at Freid. A gong man keeps the story from being ruined while Prince Chid greets his guests. He goes to see Allen and is (understandably) disappointed when he sees what a loser his hero is. Meanwhile, Zaibach comes up with a scheme to keep Miguel (who was captured by the good guys) from giving away Dilandau's beauty secrets- er, I mean, _Zaibach's_ secrets. They plan is to send Zongi, a creepy-ass doppelganger, to infiltrate Freid by taking the place of Plactu, a monk coming to question Miguel using his unrivaled interrogation skills – namely, making a _really annoying noise_. The plan works, and Zongi assumes Plactu's identity (by stealing his credit card. Cha-ching!) Hitomi gives Van lessons in creepiness, while Zongi/Plactu gets Miguel to lie to Prince Chid about Allen being a manipulative bastard (well, that not _really_ a lie…). Everyone gets arrested as a result, and Miguel breaks out of his jail cell and escapes, if you'd call making a ruckus and fighting stupidly escaping. Van shows up to try to catch more screen time and gives him a thrashing. He's stopped by Freidian soldiers and Miguel gets away, narrowly escaping being killed by Van and Zongi. Everyone is thrown into jail, and it's all Allen's fault! Let's begin!

As the Freidian sun set in a beautiful array of colors, statues from the palace gleamed in the fading light. The distant hills also glowed, awash with reds and oranges from the sinking sun. The remarkable beauty of this country was quickly ruined by the hullabaloo that Allen's stupid soldiers were making, jammed and locked up as they were in a small cell deep in the bowls of the dungeon of Freid.

"No justice, no peace!" Kio sang out, rattling the cell bars in fury.

"Let us outta here, you bald bastards!" Oruto yelled, hammering a tin cup against the wall. "Oh, wait, I'm bald too. Damn it!" The ruckus surged even louder when something extremely repulsive happened.

"Oh, _God_! Pyle just farted!" Everyone began screaming in agony and gagging for clean, untainted air while crowding away from the perpetrator.

"Shut up, guys! I couldn't hold it in any longer!" Pyle growled, embarrassed. "I probably would have exploded if I didn't let it out!"

"Oh, yeah, like you just _had_ to wait until we were all jammed into this tiny-ass cell! Thanks a lot!" Reeden shot a glare at the man, promising a beat down when they were safely out of this mess. A Freidian guard grew weary of the clammer and stormed over to discipline the barbarians.

"Shut your damn mouths! Behave yourselves!" He commanded, jabbing at the crewmen with his spear in an attempt to quiet them.

"Yeah?! You're not the one in here! You can't smell it!" The captured men hollered back, desperately trying to shove Pyle away from them into a corner. Gaddess leaned quietly against a wall off to the side, playing a wistful tune on a harmonica so he could be in his happy place and keep his sanity. Thankfully, it was his own harmonica, and not Pyle's.

Hitomi glanced at the still yelling crew as she passed by, being escorted by another soldier to an unknown location. The soldier grunted in disgust at the crew's antics.

"Ugh. They're like a bunch of rabid animals." He sneered as they passed out of sight.

"I think even _retarded_ rabid animals would behave better than them," Hitomi pointed out, agreeing with the man.

"Bwa ha ha!" The soldier laughed before realizing he could get fired for this. "Uh, I mean, _quiet_! You'd better be a good little girly while you're with Plactu!"

"Plaque?" Hitomi asked in confusion. "But… I just brushed my teeth…"

"I said Plac-TU! Geez, that dude _really_ needs to change his name." The soldier continued grumbling to himself as they approached their destination. It was a small, dark room, with bars on the door and ceiling, which yawned open to reveal the Messed-up Moon and starry sky above. "Wait in here." The soldier shoved Hitomi inside with unnecessary roughness and shut the door.

"HEY!" Hitomi was in no mood to be mistreated today. "You did _NOT_ just do that, motherbleeper! I _know_ you didn't, cause you don't want to bleeping die! You bleeping bleep bleeeeeeep!!!!" She hurled herself at the man and tried to catch him through the bars of the door to give his ass a whuppin'.

"Yeeeek!" The man jumped back from the door, terrified. "That girl's scary when she's mad! Mooooommy!" He turned and ran down the hall as fast as his skinny legs could carry him.

Hitomi sighed and gave up, but noted his face for further reference. If she ever saw him again, BAM! Right in the nuts! Turning around, she surveyed her surroundings nervously. The room was eerily quiet, lit by the Messed-up Moon, and had strange carvings on the walls. Talk about overdoing it on the creepiness meter.

"Oookay…" Hitomi whimpered, drawing her arms in close and hugging herself. "I'm officially freaked out now…" She turned to look at a nearby wall and shrieked in fright. "_EEEEEK_! Mother of mercy! It's an evil little leprechaun! Oh, uh, wait, no…" She squinted her eyes and peered closer. "It's just Prince Chid! Whoopsie!"

"Don't worry, I get that a lot." Prince Chid sighed. He was in a small, sectioned off part of the room, protected from the vicious Hitomi by iron bars. It was obviously meant for his viewing pleasure of the questioning that was soon to come.

"Your Highness, come on!" Hitomi complained. "Do we look like rebels to you? Do we look like people who would _lie_?"

"Welllll…" Chid bit his lip and appraised Hitomi with a keen eye. "…You look like _weirdoes_, which is close enough in my book."

"Why you little-" Hitomi took a step toward the Prince, ready to rip through the iron bars if need be.

"Anyway," Chid continued, not having noticed Hitomi's bloodlust. "Plactu's magic will bring out the truth."

"Have a little faith in us, brat." Hitomi growled, still a bit miffed.

"I'm the Prince of this country!" Chid went on. "Our tradition is for the royal family to follow Plactu's advice. It's what's best for my country and my people… except for that time he advised us to watch 'Flavor of Love'. _Urgh_…" He shuddered in revulsion. "I _still_ have nightmares…"

"You and your country…" Hitomi repeated, looking at Chid in a different light. "You sound… totally _opposite_ of Van."

"Hah! Good one!" Prince Chid chuckled.

"Alright, enough!" Zongi (in Plactu's form, don't forget) barked as he appeared directly behind Hitomi. "Stop fraternizing with the enemy, kid!" He resisted the urge to kick the boy in the face.

"IIIIIEEEEEEEEE! _RAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE_!" Hitomi whirled around and slapped Zongi across the face with as much force as she could muster (which was quite a lot for a 90-pound Japanese schoolgirl). Zongi reeled back in pain, one side of his face turning red from the strike.

"I wasn't doing anything, wench!" He sputtered, nursing his injured cheek and backing away carefully. "Not _yet_, anyways!" He forced himself to straighten and cross his arms in a serious manner. "It is time for your interrogation."

-With Van and Others-

Van Fanel was _not_ happy. Firstly, Hitomi was gone, leaving him totally open to any enemy attacks with no one to shove in the way at the last second. Secondly, he was now stuck in a cell, with no possible means of escape. Thirdly, there were two _other_ people locked up in the stupid cell with him. And guess who they were? Allen freakin' Schezar and Merle the cat-brat. Van felt like stabbing himself in the eye just to get away from them. He was currently arguing with Borus as to the whereabouts of Hitomi. No way was she leaving him to suffer alone, the selfish psychic chick!

"What?! Why are you starting the questioning with _Hitomi_?" Van barked in outrage. "_I_ wanted to badmouth Allen first! _Me_!" He pouted and stomped his foot but succeeded in only hurting himself, making his mood go from bad to worse.

"Look, kid," Borus explained patiently, since he was used to bratty royalty demanding to get their own way (like Prince Chid!). "If you've done nothing wrong, it'll be okay." Millerna stood quietly next to the large man, a worried look on her face. But before you jump to the conclusion that she's worried about Hitomi, let me just tell you, she'd eaten a whole lot of broccoli earlier and the amount of gas that had accumulated in her body now legalized as a nuclear power plant.

"But Zaibach might attack while you waste time like this!" Van pleaded, nearing hysterics. "And _I'll_ be stuck _here_ right in the _middle_ of all this! I don't wanna die! Sob!" He burst into tears and began crying his eyes out. Allen quickly remedied the situation by smacking him upside the head and approaching the cell bars to talk to Borus himself.

"Borus, please believe us! We came here to tell you the truth!" Allen urged.

"Pfft!" Borus was feeling especially skeptic today. That or he had something jammed far, far up in his anus. "_Sure_, Allen. Don't you know what a grave situation you're in?"

"What do you mean by that? How can things get any _worse_?" Van sobbed from the corner.

"A messenger arrived from Austuria a while ago," Borus said. "He came to tell us that there's a price on both your heads, and on the Escaflowne's, too."

"It's Escaflowne who's got the gambling problem, not me!" Van insisted. Allen shoved him away again, eager to hear more.

"_Ooooh_! Really? Do tell! How much am I worth? 10,000 dollars? 100,000? 1,000,000?!" Allen asked curiously, eyes sparkling.

"Uh… you're worth about 5 bucks." Borus grunted, averting his gaze. "Most of the bounty is for Van and the Escaflowne." Allen's eye twitched several times before he lunged at Van.

_Smack_! _Slap_! _Punch_!

"It's all your fault! _Damn_ you!"

"Ow! Don't hit me!" Van begged, secretly proud he was worth more than Allen.

"Please, listen to me!" Millerna perked up, causing everyone to groan because she was _talking_ again. "Allen's no liar! Why, just the other day he promised me a pony and a diamond ring!"

"Cough. Uh, yeah, about that, Millerna…" Allen began nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You've got to believe me!" Millerna repeated, desperate. "I… I'll have sex with you!"

"That's _really_ not necessary." Borus stated, inching away from the spoiled Princess. "Besides, there is but one truth. All will be clear when Plactu is done with his interrogation."

"Oh…" Millerna fiddled with her dress. "You sure about the sex thing?"

"Yes! I'm sure!"

-Time for Hitomi's Interrogation!-

Hitomi sat silently across from Zongi, incense burning in a jar between them. Zongi leaned forward intently, asking questions.

"So, 'Earth' is the name of your homeland?"

"Yes!" Hitomi answered again, exasperated. "I've told you that a million times already! And you don't have to make that stupid noise every time you-"

"EEEEEEEEEEEHHHHNNNNNN!" Zongi quickly got her to shut her mouth. Once he was sure she'd keep it shut, he began again. "Now, where is this country?"

"It's on the Messed-up Moon, Sherlock, high in the sky." Hitomi answered sarcastically.

"The Messed-up Moon?" Zongi repeated, as if he'd had a brain fart and hadn't caught it the last time. "Are you sure? You aren't lying now, are you? EEEEHHHN!"

"Awgh!" Hitomi covered her ears feebly. "Yes, it's true, dammit! I'm telling the truth here!"

The occupants of the sectioned-off… _section_ of the room gasped in surprise. Princess Millerna, Prince Chid, and Borus were watching the interrogation and were shocked to find out that Hitomi was…an _alien_! Cue X-Files theme music!

"She's from _that_ accursed place?" Borus asked in disbelief.

"Is this true?" Chid turned questioningly to Millerna, but stopped with a frown. "Wait, why am I asking you? You're an idiot."

"I was told you launched a sneak attack against the Zaibach Floating Jellyfish," Zongi went on. "And you destroyed an Energist mine as well. And worst of all…" he paused for dramatic effect. "You ate at a restaurant…and left without _paying_!"

Everyone gasped again, even louder this time around.

"Well, is this true, girlie?" Zongi asked smugly. "EEEEHN! Answer me! EEEHN!" He began making weird hang gestures to make himself look cool, but they didn't work. They only made him look like a chimpanzee having a heart attack.

"Yes, it's true! Just knock it off!" Hitomi admitted. "You're _almost_ as annoying as Merle!"

Borus leaned close to Prince Chid so he could whisper in his ear.

"These are some baaaaad people, your Highness! And she just admitted all their crimes!"

"Hold on, baldy!" Millerna huffed, grabbing their attention. "Ask her _why_ they did it!" Stunned silence filled the room as everyone stared at the Princess of Austuria in dumfounded awe. "W-what?" Millerna gulped and looked around.

"That's… possibly… the _smartest_ thing you've said in the entire series…" Chid said slowly, eyes wide. Millerna smiled like a beauty pageant contestant.

"Wow, _thanks_!"

"Moving on." Borus cleared his throat and brought everyone back. "It was probably part of their evil plan to take over Austuria, of course! The prisoner has said as much. What do you think we are, stupid?"

"Um, yes?" Millerna fluttered her eyes.

"That's besides the point! Now quit bugging me!"

Zongi rattled his beads at Hitomi, catching her attention from Millerna's shameless display of stupidity.

"Now, tell me how you discovered the location of the Jellyfish and the mine." He demanded, staring her in the eye.

"I dowsed with my pendant," Hitomi shrugged and responded.

"What?"

"I used my mind to see things," Hitomi explained. "Do you want me to say it slower, Rain Man?"

"This is one creepy-ass chick!" Zongi thought to himself (wow! He got his inner monologue back!), then said aloud, "And so this is how you saw the invisible Guymelefs who do not have _any_ connection to Zaibach or myself whatsoever?"

"Yup." Hitomi nodded, then frowned. "Hey, wait…"

"Gimme!" Zongi's hand shot out and he gestured for Hitomi to hand over her pendant. "Gimme that necklace, little girl!"

"No way, ba-zitch!" Hitomi protested, grabbing hold of her pendant to keep it safe. "I stole it fair and square! You're not-"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHNNNN!"

"Okay, okay! Here! Just take it!" Hitomi ripped off her pendant and moved to give it to him. As Zongi leaned forward to take the necklace, his hand brushed against Hitomi's, causing an explosion of light to appear and envelope the two.

"Woah! What's going on?!" Zongi cried out in shock, totally lost. The interrogation room had vanished, depositing Zongi into a pitch black world of nothingness. He looked around uneasily, unsure of where he was. "Where am I? It's empty… is this a Herbie Fully Loaded theater?" He turned and froze when he saw Hitomi floating around in the darkness behind him. "You! What have you done?!"

"Wheeee! This is fun!" Hitomi giggled, still hovering in place. "Huh, what? Oh, right." She made a scary face and slowly lifted her arm to point at him. "Now I can see it. Your true form! E-gah, man!" She gagged noisily and looked away.

"Huh?" Zongi looked down at himself and gasped. He was back in his pasty white doppelganger form! Say whaaaat? "Oh bleeps! My spell! Did you do this, wench?" He glared evilly at Hitomi.

Back in the room with Millerna, Chid, and Borus, the three stared in shock at Hitomi and Zongi (who was still in the Plactu form), who sat stock-still, unmoving. None of them had any idea what was happening. Time for Millerna to be stupid.

"Oh, no! What's happening?!" Millerna cried in despair.

"You mean with Hitomi?" Chid asked.

"No, dummy!" Millerna chided. "I must have sat in a puddle or something! _Now_ look at my dress, it's _ruined_!" Chid gave up and looked at Borus.

"Borus, do you know what's happening?"

"I don't know, kid." Borus sighed. "I'm not Alex Trebek."

"But you have a moustache," Chid pointed out.

"No, no. See, Alex Trebek shaved his off…" Borus began explaining.

Back in the scary black world, Zongi took several threatening steps toward Hitomi.

"Let me out of here, girl!" He snarled. "I'm… afraid of the dark! And- what the eff?!" A strangled gasp escaped him as the darkness surrounding him suddenly began acting like a movie projector and showed him infiltrating the Freid ship and killing the real Plactu, then assuming his form. "Th-that's when I…!" Zongi was at a loss for words. Hitom pointed ominously at him again, making a face at the same time.

"Gross, I saw your ass! But back to the main point! You are a murderer! You're a doppelganger, who has countless faces, but none of them are your own, for we live in battle and we die in battle." As Hitomi spoke, she faded away and was replaced with an old, shriveled doppelganger who finished the line. Zongi's jaw dropped open in amazement.

"Elder?! What's going on? Am I high, or what? Is there a gas leak around here?" He began sniffing experimentally at the air for clues.

"Don't interrupt, brat! Haven't you ever heard of respecting your elders? Geez! Kids these days! With their rap music and hoochie mommas!" The Elder grumbled sourly for several moments before continuing. "Anyway, such is the fate our clan is forced to bare! Oh! Agh! My brittle old-man hip! I think it popped out of place!" The Elder disappeared from sight and the scene changed once again.

Now it showed an enormous battlefield under a blood red sky, with men in tan clothes fighting men in blue armor. One of the tan men managed to kill a guy in armor, who then turned into a doppelganger. The man who'd done the killing recoiled in horror and changed into Zongi.

"B-brother! At least… I _think_ that's my brother. Kinda hard to tell with us all looking alike. Man, being a doppelganger sucks ass!" Zongi fell to his knees in despair. The scene changed again, turning to an arched hallway flooded with light. Folken stood in front of Zongi, speaking to him.

"Do you curse this world?" He asked, going a bit too melodramatic. "Do you curse your fate? Do you curse those bastards at fast-food places who won't give you that second packet of ketchup you ask for? You were born to be a killer, but, Zongi… come with me. Break free from the terrible chains that bind your people! You don't have to be a freaky, pale killer if you don't want to! At least, that's what I tell myself."

"Huh…?" Zongi raised his head and looked up at Folken, admiration and loyalty swirling in his eyes. He took Folken's extended hand in agreement. "Lord Folken…" He leaned toward the vampiric man, lips puckered for a kiss.

"Woah, there! Back it _up_! I didn't mean it like _that_, buddy!" Folken cried, vehemently shoving Zongi back. "If I'd wanted a kiss, I would have called _Van's_ mother! Oh, wait, that can't be an insult, we both have the same mother. Change the damn scene, already!" Folken's wish was granted and the scene returned to Zongi in the eery dark place. He blinked, realizing he was back, and glared at Hitomi.

"This is your power? To make people have flashbacks?" He hissed. "Too bad, girly! Now that you know my secret…I'm going to have to ask you nicely to never tell anyone!"

"Bleep that, man! I'm telling everyone!" Hitomi grunted.

"Fine, fine." Zongi shrugged his shoulders. "I'll just snap your neck, then." He began stalking toward her, a dangerous glint in his eye. Until…

_Squish_!

"Aw, gross! I stepped in dog crap! Euuugh!" Zongi grimaced in disgust as his foot fell into something soft and squishy. He peered down at it and narrowed his eyes. "No… wait. This isn't… mother of God, why is it climbing my _leg_?!" The thing Zongi had stepped in was actually some sort of liquid metal, and it was indeed climbing up his leg, gaining ground slowly. "It's all cold and slimy! Nasty! Someone help me!"

"I can't help it," Hitomi told him sadly, still floating off to the side. "But your life is going to be snuffed out."

"What?" Zongi gurgled in panic. The liquid metal stuff was rising higher, and had already reached his waist. "You mean… I'll die? Be killed? Done away with? Disposed of? Pushing up daisies? Kicking the-"

"Yes! You're going to die!" Hitomi hollered impatiently. "I think _Allen_ is smarter than you."

"Noooooo!" Zongi howled in despair (at either the goop or the Allen jibe, take your pick), and began struggling against the liquid metal, which now covered him to his shoulders.

"It's going to happen very soon…" Hitomi said softly. "I kinda feel sorry for you… _hey_!" Zongi had grabbed hold of her arm and was pulling her closer.

"Girl! If I die, you're coming with me!" He declared savagely.

"You bastard! I take it back! I don't feel sorry for you at _all_! Let go!" Hitomi tried to pull away, but Zongi had already been pulled under the liquid metal. Now it traveled up Hitomi's arm and began covering her up, too. Grossness! Hitomi screamed in horror as she was enveloped by the stuff, then crushed as the liquid metal suddenly shrunk together with a gross-sounding snap.

-Back with Van-

A blood-curdling scream rang up and down the dungeon walls, reverberating loudly and echoing everywhere. Van looked up in surprise and raised his eyebrows, quite impressed.

"_Good one_." He commented. "Wonder who the hell that was…"

-With Hitomi, in the Normal World Again-

Hitomi crashed over backwards, unconscious, with blank eyes open wide and staring at nothing. Zongi (still in Plactu form) also fell backwards, panting in fear and staring at Hitomi's prone body in horror.

"Hitomi!" Chid and Borus cried out and rushed into the room to help.

"My hair!" Millerna wailed for no apparent reason.

"That little girl!" Zongi managed to gasp out. "She's a complete monster!"

"Oh, she's not _that_ bad!" Princess Millerna insisted, pushing past the others to crouch over Hitomi. "Hitomi, Hitomiiiiii! Don't die! You still owe me twenty bucks!" Borus strode over to Zongi to check on his condition.

"What's wrong with you, monk-man?"

"Nothing!" Zongi growled, picking himself up from the floor. "I just got scarred mentally and will probably never recover from these emotional wounds! Leave me alone! I need my Zoloft!"

"Her pupils are dilated!" Millerna cried out, acting as if she knew what she was doing. "I may not know much about medicine, but I know that's _bad_, right?"

"Auntie Millerna?" Chid asked meekly. "Is she okay?" Millerna continued with her act and touched Hitomi's neck, then placed her head on her chest.

"Wow! Such a small bust! Mine is _sooo_ much bigger! Uh, I mean… her thumpy-thump's busted!"

"Whaaaaat?" Everyone asked in dismay, as Hitomi stared blankly up at the ceiling.

-With Van, Again-

Freidian soldiers ran around like turkeys with their heads cut off, squawking and flapping their arms in panic. A few dashed past the cell housing Van, Merle, and Allen, causing them to stare in confusion and wonder what the hell was going down. Van jumped up, ran to the cell bars, and threw out a hand, catching the arm of a soldier who was rushing past. The soldier didn't bother to even stop, which yanked Van off his feet and smashed his face against the bars. To Van's credit, he was able to keep his hold on the man, hurting himself even more in the process.

"Owwie! Stop it!" Van begged.

"You're the one who's holding on, kid!" The soldier growled, not moving an inch and still trying to pull away.

"Just tell me what's happening!" Van asked desperately.

"The prisoner died," the soldier answered bluntly. Van and Allen gasped in horror, while Merle cheered loudly. "That's right, boy! Your little girlfriend is _dead_!" The man finally escaped Van's vice-like grip and ran off down the hall. Van stared after him, shocked speechless. Merle began break-dancing in celebration.

"No!" Allen thought, now mortally depressed. "Now I can _never_ have sex with Hitomi! Unless… unless I take her dead body and… no! Even _I'm_ not that bad." He paused. "Or… am I?"

"Allen!" Little Prince Chid came running down the hall and stopped in front of the cell door. "Hitomi's in trouble!" Van cut Chid off by slamming up against the cell bars, a look of pure insanity in his eyes.

"Please, Chid! Lemme outta here! I can't _stand_ to be locked up with these two for any longer! I'm going _nuuuuts_!" He sure sounded crazy.

"Uh, I can't!" Chid insisted, still sticking to the rules.

"Pleeeease! Do it for me- er, uh, for Hitomi!"

"Enough! Come here, you little brat!" Allen surged toward the cell bars and grabbed Prince Chid tightly. "You're gonna get a spanking!" He held a small knife up to Chid's face threateningly.

"Eek! Please, don't! Not my beautiful face!" Chid looked ready to burst into tears.

"Gawd, he sounds just like you, Allen." Van observed. "Maybe he's your-"

_GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNG_!

"GET LOST!" Van threw a rock at the gong-man who squealed in fright and ran off somewhere. "Man, that guy is annoying!"

"Highness!" Borus gasped, coming upon the scene. "If you hurt him, Allen…!"

"Open the gate, beard-man!" Allen barked confidently, tightening his grip on Chid. "I won't ask again!"

-With Milly and Hitomi-

"Whoooo!" Millerna sang as she whipped Hitomi's shirt open, revealing her white bra and budding bosom. "Don't die, Hitomi! Hold on! I'll save- oh my _gosh_, that is the _cutest_ bra ever! Don't die, you have to lend it to me! Now, how does this go again? CPR? How do you even spell it?" Millerna started beating at Hitomi's limp body, trying to coax it back to life.

-Aaaand Back to Van-

Van dashed out of the confining cell, whooping with joy at finally being free from the torture of being locked up with both Allen and Merle at the same time.

"_Freeeeeeedooooom_!" Van trilled, prancing around on his tip-toes and hugging a guard that happened to be close by. Merle stalked out after, followed by Allen holding Chid, who'd magically been able to pass through the bars of the cell, because there's no other way Allen could have kept hold of the kid and gotten out at the same time. Helloooo, Unseen Forces!

"Don't think you'll get away with this, Allen!" Borus growled, glaring dangerously at Allen and his hostage.

"Oh, I don't _think_, bustah, I _know_! Now back it _up_!" Allen snapped with 'tude, moving down the hall with Chid tightly held in his arms.

"Hitomi!" Van thought to himself as he barrel-assed down the hall in the direction he _hoped_ Hitomi was, "You can't die! You're my body shield- I mean comrade!" Merle ran beside him, on all fours for added speed. Maybe if she got there first she could finish her rival off if she was still lingering in the physical world…

-Back to Millerna Again!-

Millerna was still vainly beating at Hitomi's chest, trying to resuscitate her when Van crashed through the door and screeched to a halt, panting for breath and sweating profusely.

"Sorry! I got kinda lost back there! Hitomi, are you o- WOOOOAH! LESBIAN LOVE SCENE, _HELLS_ YEAH!" Van crowed, eyes bulging wide when he saw Millerna leaning over a prone Hitomi with her shirt open (Hitomi's, not Millerna's, thank goodness).

"Just _can_ it, Lord Van." Merle muttered as she scooted past him and crept up to Hitomi. "Please be dead! Come on! Don't live on me, don't live on me!" Van kicked her away and looked at Millerna.

"What's wrong with her?"

"Her thumpy-thump…! Her heart won't start!" Millerna answered, halfheartedly punching at Hitomi's chest one last time. Van shoved her away too, as she obviously wasn't doing any good.

"Make room, toots!" He placed his hands one atop the other and positioned them on Hitomi's chest. "Holy crap I'm touching her boobies!"

"Concentrate, Van!" Millerna chided, giving him a smack on the back of his head. "Don't lose focus! Now, push in time with your own heartbeat! Go!"

"Gotcha! Grope her funbags!"

"Maybe I should do this…" Millerna affixed Van with a glare that would flay the skin off an ordinary man. Van, of course, was too stupid to notice.

"Oh, fine! You ruin _everything_, Millerna!" Van closed his eyes and listened for his heartbeat.

-Several Minutes Later-

Van shoved down on Hitomi's chest, again and again, trying to get her heart beating and blood a-pumpin'. Hitomi still lay unresponsive, eyes blank and empty like the dead. Borus and Freidian soldiers, along with Allen and Chid, had also entered the room and were watching the spectacle. Needless to say, Allen was enjoying it immensely.

"Eww! You drooled on my crown!" Chid whined, wriggling around in protest.

"Sorry, kid." Allen wiped his moist chin, eyes still glued to Hitomi's exposed chest and undergarments.

"Hey! She's not the only woman here, you know!" Millerna said haughtily, angry that Hitomi was getting all the attention. She smiled coyly and unbuttoned the few top buttons of her chest sexily.

"Oh, just shut up." Everyone with a penis turned away from the spoiled Princess, not interested.

"You jerks! See if I sleep with any of you! Except for you Allen! I'll sleep with you _any_ day!" Millerna glared at the others and winked at Allen, a feat not easily achieved.

"I'm going to remember this moment for the rest of my life," Van thought to himself dreamily, still pumping at Hitomi's chest. "Now breathe, dammit! Breathe!"

"Is she dead, Lord Van?" Merle asked hopefully.

"You can't die!" Millerna wailed. "You have to stay a be my rival, so everyone will see just how much hotter I am than you! Oh, you're so _selfish_!" Millerna pushed past Van and smartly slapped Hitomi across the face.

"Guuaah!" Hitomi heaved in a lungful of air and regained consciousness. Her chest hurt and her face hurt even more, but she was alive and breathing. She was vaguely aware that her shirt was open and several dozen men in the room were admiring her physique (the filthy bastards) before she rolled over on her side (groans of disappointment from the men came here) and began coughing loudly.

"Yay! She's gonna make it!" Millerna cheered.

"Dang…" Merle supposed she could try killing her off another time.

"Uh, Van…" Millerna cocked an eyebrow at the Fanelian King. "You can take your hands off her chest now."

"R…really?" Van asked, reluctant to remove them. "You…don't think she needs a little more-"

"NO!" Millerna snatched his hands away from Hitomi and placed them on her own bosom instead. "Wouldn't you much rather touch mine?"

"Eeeeugh! No! Lemme go!" Van yelled and began struggling violently against Millerna and her shamelessness.

"Why can't you just die?" Merle hissed to herself, glaring at Hitomi.

"It's a miracle!" Borus declared wonderingly. Allen sighed in relief and relaxed his hold on Chid, who immediately took advantage of his distraction and punched him in the balls.

"Guhh!" Allen doubled over in pain, and weakly tossed his knife to Merle. "Merle, catch!" Because of his blinding pain (or perhaps his aim just sucked), the knife cracked Merle right between the eyes with a loud _Thwack_!

"Ow! What, my nail file?" Merle mewled when she picked it up, rubbing her forehead. "When did you pinch this, you thief?" The second the 'weapon' left Allen's hands, dozens of Freidian soldiers tackled him savagely, make an enormous dog-pile atop his crushed and bleeding body.

"Owwie…precious bones…being crushed…among other things…" Allen whimpered from the bottom of the pile.

"Hahahaha!" Chid couldn't help but laugh at Allen's display of stupidity. It also made him feel better because Allen had been being a dick to him.

"Hitomi! What the heck happened?" Van asked, kneeling down to look Hitomi in the face. She was huddled up in a ball, and being supported by Millerna, who'd given up on Van but still wanted to look important.

"It's the fake!" Hitomi whispered, eyes wide with fear and panic. "He's going to die! Very soon, I think!"

"Uh…I think you brain is still a liiiittle deprived of oxygen, eh?" Van asked, weirded out by Hitomi's answer.

"I'm telling you, the fake's going to die!" Hitomi insisted. She suddenly winced and covered her head with her arms protectively. "Oh, no! _Nooooo_!"

"Oh, boy." Van groaned, sitting back and covering his face. "Permanent brain damage, here we come."

-In the Woods Outside of Freid-

In the woods outside of Freid, it was still night. Trees swayed in the darkness, creaking softly, while birds chirped now and again just to annoy the animals that were trying to get a good night's sleep for once. Zongi, back in his doppelganger form and covered with a dark cloak, hopped quickly from tree branch to tree branch, wanting to get as far away from that freaky chick as possible.

"So! I'm going to die, am I?" He spoke to himself, obviously having lost his sanity. "Hah! I don't think- _GOOO_!" He cried out in shock as the neighboring trees surrounding him suddenly morphed into that liquid metal stuff for a second, then switched back to being normal, unsuspecting trees. Zongi gulped and wiped sweat from his brow. "I _really_ have to lay off the LSD…"

He began hopping through the forest again, faster this time. "I must report this to Lord Folken! …Not my drug usage, the creepy girl part! Geez!" He growled one last time as he stared off into the distance, searching for the designated meeting place.

-Back at the Palace of Freid-

"Plactu's a Zaibach spy?" Chid repeated dubiously. "Are you positive?"

"I saw the whole thing," Hitomi explained. Behind her, Van, Allen (who was swathed in bandages due to the guards rather violent tendencies), and Merle were tied up tight with thick ropes, looking imploringly at Hitomi to get them out of their latest mess. "He killed the real Plactu and took his shape! The last prisoner was almost killed by him, too! But black hands will…he's going to…" Hitomi gulped and found she couldn't continue.

"Uh…please don't mind her, gentlemen." Van leaned forward, an apologetic look on his face. "She's semi-retarded now due to lack of oxygen to the brain, so…she's talkin' jibberish!"

_Konk_!

Merle head-butted her precious Lord Van and hissed at him to shut him up.

"She's trying to _help_ us, moron!"

"Oh." Van realized he'd just totally screwed himself over. He leaned forward again. "Please forget everything I've just said."

"Will do." Chid answered quickly (and thankfully), then looked up at Borus. "Where's Plactu now?"

"He's nowhere to be found," Borus confessed.

"Gee, like _that's_ not suspicious!" Van drawled.

"Maybe he had to go take a tinkle!" Chid guessed.

"Oh, like hell!" Van snorted rudely at the Prince. "That loser probably ran away, cause he knew we were gonna kick his pansy ass! Your Highness, we can't waste any more time! We have to track that guy down before he tells Zaibach about Hitomi's creepy secret!"

"That she's a whore?" Merle chimed in. She was still angry about Hitomi surviving.

"_You're_ a whore!" Hitomi shot back, moving to strangle the cat girl.

"SILENCE!" Borus boomed, shutting everyone up effectively. "Don't listen to them, Princey!"

"_Borus_…" Chid glared up at Borus, lower lip jutting out, eyebrows drawn down, and eyes full of a promised tantrum. Borus's eyes widened and he quickly cleared his throat.

"Er, uh…please! Do as you wish!" He coughed meekly. Chid nodded and walked slowly toward Allen, who sat up straight because the camera was finally on him again. Chid stared Allen in the face before drawing his small sword from its sheath. Allen immediately began freaking the hell out.

"EEEEEEEK!" Squealing and struggling against his bonds, Allen burst into tears as Chid advanced on him with his pointy sword. "Saaaaave me! Help! Help! This psycho corn-child is gonna run me through with his little letter-opener!" Rather than help him, everyone else found this highly amusing and simply laughed at Allen's plight.

"Aim for his spleen!" Van suggested, greatly enjoying this.

Chid rolled his eyes and swiftly cut Allen loose from his ropes, though it took him several seconds before he realized he'd been set free.

"He's gonna chop off my pe- Oh. I knew that. I was just…testing you." Allen stood up and shook off the ropes, wincing as his previously crushed bones yelped in protest.

"Allen," Prince Chid said seriously, "it hurts me very deeply to have to say this, but…" He sucked in a deep breath, a small vein on his forehead throbbing with the strain. "I…neeeeeed…youuuur….heeee…heeeellll…_heeeelp_! Gah!" Chid doubled over, gasping for breath. This was obviously very hard for him to say. "I need your help…to find the Zaibach spy…Plactu."

"Highness?" Borus gaped, aghast. "Are you nuts, my little man?"

"Borus," Chid explained patiently. "One proves innocence through one's deeds. I truly believe they're innocent."

"Yeah, like O.J.!" Borus guffawed, still not wanting to trust these hooligans.

"Quiet!" Chid growled. "Right now, we need their help. And if they fail, then we can have a mass execution."

"Fine by me." Borus agreed sagely, folding his hand sin prayer. Allen staggered up.

"Highness, I- _urgh_!" He clutched his side dramatically. "Well, whaddaya know! Lookie here! My wounds have opened again! Guess I can't go fight Zaibach now! _Darn_ it! And I _really_ wanted to!" He smiled cheesily at everyone, who groaned in annoyance since they expected he'd pull off something like this.

"You're so lame!" Hitomi sighed. "_I'll_ go."

"Awk!" Van gurgled to himself. "Dammi, Hitomi! Now _I_ have to volunteer too, or I'll look like a total coward, which everyone already knows I am but I have to prove them wrong and improve my image! Well…I _did_ get to touch her boobies…oh, fine!" Van lifted his head and addressed the others. "I'll go too!"

-Later, Just Outside the Palace of Freid-

Van gripped Esca's (now Dragon form) reins tightly as Hitomi settled in to perform her creepy prediction powers. The two were just about to set off on their lil' doppelganger hunt and were trying to find out where the pasty bastard had run off to.

"I don't care what kind of creature he is," Hitomi thought, "I can't let that vision come true!" She closed her eyes and…you guessed it! It's time for talkin' with the pendant. Dangling it in front of herself, Hitomi cleared her mind and began conversing with the pink crystal. "Hey there, buddy. How's it going? The wife and kids doing good? That's great…hm? _Oooh_. You should probably get that checked out, man. Yeah, I knew one girl who had one, and she left it alone for a while…ate her _face_ off. Aaaanyway, would you mind telling me where the nasty-ass doppelganger is?"

"See anything?" Van asked fearfully, wanting to know if he'd be horribly maimed or get a boo-boo of some kind. The pendant glowed in response and Hitomi opened her eyes.

"There's a tower, over there!" She answered, pointing off to the left.

"Roger!" Van turned right.

"_Van_," Hitomi said sternly.

"Oh. Sorry." Van corrected their course and they were off! As they sailed away into the darkness, the others watched them depart in silence.

"They'll probably just run away, kid." Borus pointed out.

"Yeah, I know." Prince Chid sighed. "But I trust in the faith that Allen has for them. Well…for the girl, at least. The boy will probably just pee his pants and run away crying."

-At the Tower-Thingy That Hitomi Pointed Out-

Atop an old, crumbling tower with long stairs, Dilandau stood preening himself while listening to Zongi's report. He hadn't really been paying attention, as he'd noticed he had several split ends and was making a mental note to kill his hair stylist when something Zongi was rambling on about jerked him out of his self-centralized thoughts.

"A woman from the Messed-up Moon?" Dilandau narrowed his eyes dangerously and glared at Zongi, who was kneeling before his superior. "Who's really creepy and has nice legs?"

"Yes," Zongi assented. "That little witch can see the unseen, and knows the past and future. She's like Miss Cleo, but _real_."

"Crap!" Dilandau hissed, then froze. "Wait…that _girl_! _She's_ the one who stopped me from stabbing Van in the head with my Crima Claw that one time on the bridge! …And in the forest, too! And she's the girl who cut in line in front of me at the Home Depot!"

"Uh, sir, I think you're a little confused…" Zongi interjected.

"_WAIT_! Hold the _mayo_!" Dilandau snarled as it hit him. "That _strumpet_ is the one who made me get this scar! Ooooogh!" He began strangling the air, no doubt imagining a certain someone in his grasp. "I thought she was just one of Allen's hoes when I saw her before! Damn her!" He stopped his psychotic ramblings and glanced at Zongi, who was regarding him with a strange look. "Good work, boy! Here's a treaty!" He tossed Zongi a doggy treat, who happily snatched it up and began munching on it before realizing what he was doing.

"Hey! Quit doing that!" He growled, spitting out crumbs. Dilandau stepped onto the lift that would began bringing him up into his Guymelef cockpit where-

_Donk_!

"Oh! Bleep! They really need to make these stupid ass entrances bigger! Now it's gonna bruise!" Dilandau moaned, rubbing gingerly at the back of his head. Zongi snickered evilly at his pain while Dilandau was brought up into the cockpit with the hull closing around him. A jelly-like liquid filled the cockpit, rising up to the pretty-boy's shoulders.

"Ew, it's in my _boots_…" Dilandau gagged. "At least it's not in my hair. Now, accept your reward, Zongi!" He lifted his Guymelef's arm, which Zongi was perched atop.

"Ooh!" Zongi giggled (creepy, I know) in glee. "What is it? A gift card to the mall? A trip to Cancun for two (Don't ask me who else I'd take with me. Maybe Folken, but he'd probably be too freaked out.)? Ooh! Gimme, gimme!" Liquid metal bubbled up from the melef's appendage, wrapping around Zongi's feet and began swiftly climbing higher. "Uh, this isn't _quite_ what I had in mind, sir…"

The Alseides unit stood up slowly, holding out the arm that had Zongi trapped like a fish in a barrel.

"You _didn't_ kill Miguel," Dilandau hissed menacingly. "Now he's going to tell everyone my beauty secrets…"

"Wha…but he knocked me out!" Zongi pleaded as the goop climbed even higher. "I couldn't even do anything! I was unconscious!"

"Well, like Maurie and Connie, you should have tried harder. That's why I hate doppelgangers…" Dilandau closed his eyes and rested his cheek on a fist.

"What are you doing? Stop, please!" Zongi was desperate now. "I…I'll tell you how to get really thin like me!"

"Ugh." Dilandau made a face. "Sorry, but I think there's a _limit_ to how thin a person should be."

"Noooooo!" Zongi howled in despair.

Van and Hitomi were closing in, flying fast through the air, and caught sight of the stone tower in the distance.

"Is that it?" Van asked dumbly.

"Do you see any _other_ towers out here, dumbass?!" Hitomi snapped at him.

"So…wrong one?"

"Just shut up and drive! And hurry!" Hitomi snapped.

"Don't tell me how to drive, woman!" Van barked back.

The liquid metal was now up to Zongi's neck, cold and slimy. Zongi was still flailing around, screaming bloody murder.

"Couldn't you _smile_?" Dilandau asked offhandedly. "The people I kill are always screaming and crying. It gets really boring and repetitive. Come on! Crack a smile!"

"Up yours!"

"Why, you!" Dilandau tightened his grip.

"Crap! We're not gonna make it!" Hitomi cried, knowing they were too late. "It's all your fault, Van! You just _had_ to stop at Taco Bell!"

"I wanted a burrito, okay?" Van chomped on his meal while steering the Escaflowne, which was actually a whole lot harder than it looked.

"Yeeeek!" Hitomi shrieked aloud as she saw in her mind's eye Zongi being crushed by the silvery goop, for _reals_ this time. She screamed some more and began clutching at her face in terror.

"What's wrong, Hitomi?" Van hollered, trying to keep the Esca flying straight as Hitomi flailed around. "If you wanted a bite, you just had to tell me!" Hitomi collapsed and Van had to give up the rest of his burrito to catch her quickly before she fell off. He forlornly watched his Mexican treat plummet down to the earth where it hit with a _splat_ before realizing just how heavy Hitomi was. "_Ooogh_! Damn, girl! Guess you don't need any burrito's, huh? Wait, crap, no! Now I have to drive, hold on to you, and fight at the same time? That's frigging impossible, even with help from the unseen forces! Wake up!"

The Escaflowne whizzed past Dilandau's head, who jerked up to see his arch nemesis fly by.

"Hey! It's the loser Escaflowne! Today's my lucky day! Wheee!" Dilandau giggled in glee, then yelled into the radio. "Chesta! Gatti! Get your asses up and quit crappin' around! It's killing time!"

"Hitomiiii! Wake up already! M-maybe if I kiss her…" Van craned his neck in an attempt to plant a kiss on the still unresponsive girl, but was rudely interrupted by energy shots coming from the surrounding forest. "You bastards! I was about to score! No, wait! Now I sound like Allen! …I think I'll _let_ them kill me."

"Enjoying the fireworks, Van?" Dilandau taunted.

"Why, yes," Van answered, looking pleased. "They're very pretty and-"

"Just _die_ already!" Dilandau also began taking pot-shots at the gliding Dragon.

"Won't these invisible morons ever learn?" Van huffed to himself. "The hero always wins, buttheads!" He glanced down at Hitomi, who still lay limp. He began contemplating chucking her off the ride to make it easier to steer (and dodge the danger) but decided to keep here since he might need a body shield for later.

"I'm not your damn body shield!" Hitomi growled, cracking open an eye and sitting up.

"Ngah! Quit using your creepy powers on me without permission!" Van stuck out his tongue at her.

"Van, you need to concentrate. Picture them in your mind, and you'll see them!" Hitomi urged, not wanting to die along with this cowardly loser.

"How the hell am I supposed to concentrate in the middle of a fight?" Van pointed out.

"You do it, or you're horribly dismembered and arranged in alphabetical order by Dilly down there!" Hitomi shot back. Van sat silently for several seconds, mulling it over in his mind.

"Meh. Alright."

The chest of the Dragon-form Escaflowne popped open, dropping out its sword, which the Esca caught easily and swung it with skill.

"You guys are so useless!" The Escaflowne grumbled. "Look, _I'll_ do the fighting, since you're such a cotton-candy wuss! You just concentrate, Van!" More shots were fired from the forest at them, as well as Crima Claws.

"Come get some, Van!" Dilandau laughed. "I've got a coffin with your name on it!"

"How _thoughtful_…" Van's eyes brimmed with tears.

"Just concentrate!" Hitomi interrupted. "Concentrate! Picture them in your mind! …I really wish I had a tape recorder, I could just use that without having to repeat myself every time we get into a situation like this!"

"Quiet! You're distracting me!" Van hissed, eyes squeezed shut with effort. The large pink Energist held in Esca's Dragon-hand began glowing in response to its master's power. In his head, Van saw the pendant swing out to the front, and knew the enemy was there. "I gotcha!"

Esca's sword swung out, singing through the air and plunging deep into…

A _tree_.

"Dammit!" Van whined, as he yanked the sword back out forcefully. It jerked back and konked Dilandau's Guymelef right on the head, as he'd been not five feet from our hero (?). He promptly became visible for all to see. "Huh?" Van looked dumbly from the sword to his foe several times before he realized what had happened and threw up his arms in jubilation. "Woot! I'm a genius!"

The moment Van let go of the reins, the Escaflowne went out of control. Flapping its little wings weakly, it crash-landed behind Dilandau's Alseides unit, its stomach scraping against the hard rock with a loud screech.

"Ow! You bastard, don't you know how to steer? Now my tummy's all scratched up!" The Escaflowne snarled, wanting to smack Van.

"Quit complaining!" Van retorted. "We got him, didn't we?"

"You'll pay for that!" Dilandau howled, lifting an arm to shoot at Van.

"Ooh! Look! A shiny quarter!" Van squealed in delight.

"What? Where?" The Escaflowne stooped down, searching for the money and also effectively dodging Dilandau's strike while slicing off his offending arm in the process.

"No, no! It's behind us!" Van said impatiently.

"Oh." The Esca whirled around, its long and thick tail smashing into Dilandau and knocking him on his back and down the steep stairs of the tower.

"Gwaaagh!"

"Ha! I got it, suckers!" Hitomi jeered, holding up the currency with delight. Then she noticed Dilandau. "Crap! He's right behind us!"

"Come on, Esca!" Van pleaded. "Pee on him or something!"

"I don't have any pee, kid! I'm a freaking Guymelef!"

"Oh." Van thought for a moment. "Then…you suck."

"Hey…it's that damn girl again!" Dilandau had caught sight of Hitomi, seated next to Van on the back of the Escaflowne. That was the last thing he saw before he crashed into the bottom of the stairs.

"Lord Dilandau!" Gatti cried out earnestly, then lifting an arm to shoot at Van, who dodged, then struck at him with his blade.

"Oooh yeah!" Van sang in triumph. "Naaa na na na, na na, na na, can't touch this!" The Escaflowne swung around again, hitting another opponent with its tail into a wall. Well, I guess now is the time for Van's once-an-episode-uber-cool-super-move, huh?

"You're mine!" Dilandau challenged, getting back up and rushing the do-gooders with a lance of hardened metal. Van barely blocked it in time, stopping it several inches from Hitomi's face.

"He…he wants you, Hitomi!" Van realized.

"Ya think?!" Hitomi answered. Van's eyes narrowed as he began thinking of throwing her off again, to get Dilandau off his ass and give him a chance to escape. Hitomi caught right on and shot him a warning look before he could go through with it, ending his train of thought and smashing that idea out of existence.

"Uh…don't worry! I won't let him hurt you!" Van boldly declared, trying to pretend he hadn't been thinking of dropping her like a hot potato.

"Gee, don't I feel safe." Hitomi mumbled, then snapped back to attention as the lance slid closer to her vulnerable brain-case.

"You're the one!" Dilandau grated, a look of pure insanity on his normally pretty face as he pushed the sharp lance even closer. "You're the one who keeps bleeping up all my plans!"

"Are you trying to hurt her or pick her teeth with that thing?" Van hollered over.

"Why, pick her- _of course I'm trying to kill her, dumbass_!" Dilandau was almost losing his tenuous hold on his temper (not to mention sanity) as the battle dragged on. "And you're next!"

"Oh, really?" Van asked softly. "Well…how about this? Hee-_yah_!" Making the Escaflowne rear up on its back legs, he slammed its head into the enemy melef unit, crippling it and shoving it away from Hitomi.

"Not the face!" Esca howled in pain, then rose and began flying away as quickly as it could. Dilandau sputtered in rage and tried to follow.

"You're not getting away!!" It was useless, as Dilandua's Guymelef tried vainly to rise into flight mode but was unable. "What? My kick-ass meter is on _empty_? Dammit all! I knew I should have refueled last episode! I need better mileage! AAAARRRRGH!" Dilandau screamed out his rage at the hills as the Escaflowne and its passengers sped out of sight.

-Back at the Palace of Freid-

"Wow!" Prince Chid hopped up and down in delight. "It's just as Hitomi predicted!"

"We lost the only proof we had that Plactu was an imposter," Van admitted. "It's all Hitomi's fault! Punish her!" Here he shoved the psychic girl forward, who squawked in indignation.

"Hey! You a-hole!"

"Don't worry, kiddos." Borus soothed. "You've truly proven yourselves by coming back instead of running away like the wimps and liars I know you really are." He paused for a minute. "Damn you for being so honest!"

"That's how we did it?" Hitomi asked, confused.

"It's also because they found the corpse of the real Plactu!" Millerna pitched in. "It was nasty! All dry and withered! You shoulda seen his balls!"

"They don't need to hear all the details!" Borus cut her off (I've never loved you more, Borus). "The monks found him in the forest. The corpse was a husk, the work of a doppelganger. …Or we desecrated the tomb of some ancient mummy by accident. Most likely the latter."

"Yay! I love you guys!" Chid laughed, not paying attention. "Now we can play games and eat animal cookies while watching cartoons! Yippy!" Hitomi and Van exchanged bland looks that could only mean one thing.

"We _so_ shoulda run when we had the chance."

"Please, forgive the many wrongs we have done you." Borus said, apologizing solemnly. Hitomi simply smiled and nodded but Van stared at him for several seconds before swiftly punching him in the face.

_Ka-pow_!

"Googh!" As Borus stumbled backwards, blood flowing from his nose, Van shook his hand in pain and grinned warmly.

"Okay, _now_ I forgive you."

"B-bastard…"

"Don't worry, Allen!" Millerna whispered to her one true love. "Even though Van is the hero now, I still love you the bestest!"

"Urgh…" Allen grunted in response, still preferring Hitomi's admiration to Millerna's.

"Hey! You know something?" Millerna went on annoying Allen, not noticing Allen's apparent disinterest. "You and Chid look a lot alike! Your eyes are the same color! You could almost be brothers, or even-"

_GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG_!

"_Knock it off_! You ruined the moment!" Millerna went flying at the gong-man, who backed away fearfully from the rabid Princess and hid behind his gong for protection. Van stared quietly at Chid for no apparent reason, and Chid quickly noticed and felt a bit awkward.

A Freidian soldier ran up to report to Borus. Stopping next to the large man, he leaned in close and whispered into his ear.

"I love you."

"_What_?!" Borus jerked away from the man like he had anthrax.

"Er, uh, I mean, the Duke has arrived!" The blushing soldier reported.

"Oh. Alright." Borus eyed the soldier warily. "Now please stay the hell away from me." The soldier nodded and ran back to his post while Borus addressed the others. "Everyone! The Duke is back!"

"Yayyyy! Daaaaddyyy!" Chid ran off squealing in glee.

"Uh, that's the wrong way, kiddo!" Borus shouted after him.

Soon everyone was gathered at the Castle entrance to watch the Duke arrive. A huge Freidian warship was docking, and a small lift was bringing the esteemed Duke down, while rows of monks bowed before him in respect. The Duke had a dark complexion, with big, black eyebrows and a sharp beard, and wore a large crown with a cape.

"That's Chid's father?" Hitomi asked doubtfully, looking between the Duke and his fair-haired and pale son. "He looks more like Genghis Kahn to me."

"Ayiyiyiyiiiiiiiiiiiii!" The Duke burst into a impressive war-shriek that startled everyone around him. He stopped, blushing darkly. "Er, sorry."

-Episode 11 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Damn, that took awhile! I'm really sorry about that. I'll try to be better with the time-thing next time. Anyway, I hope you liked it. Read and review, please!


	12. Episode 12: The Secret Bore

Author's Note: Whoo! Here's the next one. I wrote it extra fast because I need time to write my next Gaara fic for Valentines Day. Hope you enjoy it. Read and review!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 12

The Secret Bore

Recap: All the good guys are thrown in prison (but thankfully not butt-raped) and Hitomi is brought to a separate chamber to be questioned by Zongi, who's still being an evil and manipulative bastard. Van and Allen make a rabble when they find out they've got bounties on their heads (Allen more than Van, since his is much, _much_ less) while Hitomi answers a few questions about her missing husband- I mean, her creepy psychic powers. Things start to get freaky when she brings Zongi off to an alternate dimension and messes with his head and then ends up in cardiac arrest. Van gets to touch her love muffins with the excuse that he's performing CPR, which doesn't help until Millerna slaps Hitomi awake. Horray! Hitomi and Van now go after the fleeing Zongi, who runs to Dilandau for protection but gets offed by him for letting Miguel escape. Hitomi passes out, leaving Van to piss his pants and somehow hold her, eat a burrito, pilot the Esca, and fight at the same time. He manages, somewhat. Hitomi wakes up and with their powers combined, they are Captain Pla- er, uh, the kick-ass couple. They give Dilly a beat down and then run for the hills before he can catch 'em. All is forgiven when they return to the Castle of Freid, and Genghis Kahn, Prince Chid's papa arrives.

The grand Duke of Freid, the country's pillar of strength, had finally returned. Everyone was now gathered into the great hall to hold conference with the important man and ask questions like, 'why do you look like Genghis Kahn?' and 'Oh, so you just _happened_ to be away when all this crap went down, huh?'. The golden seal of Freid glittered on the wall of the-

"Arf arf!" A golden seal waddled up onto its flippers and slapped its wet paws together enthusiastically, barking all the while.

Not that kind of damn seal! I meant the kind of seal that's a _symbol_, not a freakin' _animal_! Get outta here, Andre! Give him some fish or something!

A silver fish flew past the seal's nose, snapping it out of its clapping-craze as it quickly shuffled after the aquatic snack and out of the scene. Thank God…

"Man, you guys screwed my country the hell _up_!" Duke Freid bellowed, not at all grateful for the 'help' received from these strangers who had magically appeared on his doorstep while he had turned his back for only a second. He glared at Van in rage. "No _wonder_ your lame country was destroyed!"

"Hey! That's a low blow! Keep the gloves up!" Van spat back before Allen gave him a look to be silent. The two were kneeling before the Duke, who lounged in his throne, giving them what-for. Hitomi and Merle were there too, but were located a much safer distance away, right next to the exit in case of a quick retreat. Prince Chid was also present, having taken a seat to the side of his daddy and trying to look interested in what he had to say. The Duke was a tall man wearing blue armor bedazzled with a crest and a silver helmet. He also had a funny moustache-beard thing going on, as well as bushy, caterpillar eyebrows and dark eyes peeking out from under them.

"And we already know Zaibach's a bunch of power-hungry bastards," the Duke continued, oblivious to Van's cry of protest, "soooo you pretty much did all that for nothing."

"Dammit! I knew it!" Van sharply elbowed Allen in the ribs, who grunted in pain and sidled away from the pissed-off King.

"That's why I came home so quick," the Duke explained, then frowned for a moment. "Aaaaand also because I thought I'd left the oven on. How's that going? Anyone?" He looked at one of his attendants, who stepped forward nervously.

"Er, uh, it was off, sir," the attendant stammered.

"Good, good." The Duke waved the man away. "Now, moving on to more important topics…" He chewed his moustache and aimed a scalding glare at a certain Knight of Austuria. "Allen Schezar, you suck ass! It's shameful for a knight to abandon his country, no matter what the reason!"

"But the cheap whore was cheating on me!" Allen argued.

"That's still not good enough!" The Duke sniffed in disdain. "Even _you_ must be able to understand that! What makes you think Freid wants _your_ sorry ass over here?"

"Uh…because I love her long time?" Allen asked innocently.

"Wow, Allen's getting a beat down from this guy…" Hitomi thought to herself, watching the amazing spectacle unfold before her. "This is the _coolest_ thing I've ever seen..."

"Daddy, wait!" Prince Chid butted in. "You don't have to be so hard on him! He's just a little slow is all!"

"That's not what the ladies say!" Allen said coyly, winking suggestively at the camera.

"Will you keep quiet? You're making it _worse_!" Chid almost reached for his small sword but just managed to keep his hand still. "Allen and his companions risked their lives to protect our country-"

"Er-_HEM_." Van cleared his throat none too quietly and stared bluntly at the little tyke.

"Oh, alright." Chid sighed. "So only Van and Hitomi did, but Allen…_kinda_ helped. They fought off the enemy troops and discovered their doppelganger-"

"Silence, sonny!" The Duke cut Chid off rudely. "You're just a kid, and kids should be seen and not heard. You're too young to know anything! Your actions may very well lead to our destruction! How'd you like to see that in our Christmas cards? 'Hi, thanks for the gifts, and thanks for destroying everything!' Hmm? Not so great now, huh?" Chid shamefully closed his mouth and dropped his gaze. The Duke turned away from his son to continue, but…

"Waaaaaaait!" A voice sang shrilly, ringing into the sizeable room and causing several people's ears to bleed.

"_OhdearGodno_." Hitomi whispered to herself, her body tensing unconsciously and her eyes snapping shut so she couldn't see the abominable being that had just appeared.

"Huh?" Everyone looked up to see the spoiled Princess Millerna come running in majestically, long golden locks flowing in the breeze, copious bosom bouncing up and down as she ran, her lady-like foot snagging on a small crack-

_Crash!_

"Owwie! My baby-feeders! I need those for Allen's children!" Everyone rolled their eyes as Millerna sat up and rubbed her injured chest while tears sprang to her eyes.

"Oh, _Lord_, it's Princess Millerna." The Duke gripped his seat in horror, eyes going wide with terror. "Someone, _anyone_, I order you to kill me! Right now! Do it!"

"Why does she have to ruin everything?" Hitomi thought sadly as she watched Millerna pick herself up off the ground and skip on over to where Van and Allen were kneeling. She sat down next to Allen (which meant pretty much _on_ him) and smiled at the Duke, which had no effect on him because he was immune to her 'charms'.

"Look, we're _really_ busy," the Duke began calmly, "so if you could just go play in traffic while-"

"Hey! No more talkey!" Millerna blurted out, clapping her hands with a stubborn look on her face. "It's listening time! Mouth shut! Ears open!" The Duke's jaw fell open at her rude behavior as she continued. "Look, brother- wait. No, I don't have the right to call you by that name anymore…how's Chuckles sound?"

"Someone shut her up!" The Duke half-ordered, half-pleaded.

"Chuckles, I abandoned my country, too!" Millerna declared proudly.

"What?" The Duke gasped in shock, as did the others present. "You're all a bunch of…country-abandoners!"

"He _really_ needs to work on his insults…" a soldier grumbled to himself.

"Off with his head!" The Duke barked automatically, his sharp hearing serving him well. As the unfortunate guard was dragged away, Millerna continued being annoying.

"Majesty, Zaibach's actions are sheer madness! I mean, whoever heard of matching red with yellow? They clash _so_ bad!"

"No they don't…" Van stated incredulously.

"Ahbaba!" Millerna interrupted, wagging a finger at him like a mother hen. "Zaibach also intends to plunge all of Gaea into the chaos of war! And they won't stop with just Fanelia, the run down, backwater, hillbilly infested-"

"Hey!"

"Ignore him, Majesty, he's an idiot." Millerna clouted Van on the head to silence him. "Their next target is Freid! It's unfortunate, but daddy…no…King Ass-ton intends to just sit on his ton-ass and do _nothing_! He says it's in Austuria's best interest! But what about when all of Gaea has fallen under Zaibach's control? Won't you feel silly then?"

By this time, everyone had fallen asleep to the sound of Millerna's prattling and were snoring noisily in a deep slumber.

"Will Austuria then be left in peace?" Millerna continued on, not noticing. "To prevent this, Allen came with his whole crew, as well as with a few strangers (whose help he desperately needed) to Freid! Majesty, _please_! Forgive Allen! If you don't, I'll…I'll…I'll hold my breath until you do!" Here she took a deep breath and indeed begin to hold it.

"_Hrooonk_-nagah?" The Duke suddenly jerked awake due to the absence of Millerna's somewhat soothing voice when she was having a long, boring monologue. It was like listening to the ocean, but more annoying. He blinked several times and then saw Millerna, who had grown blue in the face by then. "Huh? Oh. Princess Millerna, knock that off. You've been raised as best you could, and you've just proved yourself to be very naïve and extremely foolish." He stifled a yawn and stood up as Millerna let out her breath and began sucking at the air like a dying fish. "Allen, it's purely out of pity for your sorry ass that I ask you to join my army and fight Zaibach on our side."

"Really, you mean it?" Allen asked in delight.

"Psych, bitch! Bwahahaha!"

"Y-you jackass!"

"Calm down, I was just messin' with ya," The Duke laughed, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. "You can join."

"Hmph. Fine." Allen pouted like a five-year old (and, strangely enough, exactly like Van). "I humbly place my life in Freid's hands."

"Yes, that's right," the Duke said softly and dangerously, "your life is like a batch of robin's eggs, and my hands are like a bird's nest. And whenever I feel like making myself an _omelet_…!" He left his threat unsaid and walked down from his throne to the door. Everyone quietly watched him march royally down the carpet, past Hitomi and Merle and out the exit.

"Bye, Genghis Kahn!" Someone called out after he disappeared from view.

"Who the bleep said that?" The Duke's head popped back into the doorway as he surveyed the audience with a scrutinizing gaze. When no one fessed up, he narrowed his eyes suspiciously before slowly withdrawing his head back out of view.

-Way Far Away in Zaibach-

In a large, sunlight grove full of lush, green trees and a sparkling brook, dinosaurs- wait, _what_? Effing _dinosaurs_? What the hell? Aw, screw it. Large, spiny-backed lizards wandered around aimlessly in the warm sun. A colossal metal structure glinted in the sun not too far away, all iron shod walls and strange protrusions. Inside, in a dark room with a wide, TV-like screen, a conversation was taking place.

"A girl from the Messed-up Moon?!" Dornkirk repeated dubiously from the monitor.

"_Yes_," Folken sighed, already wanting to shoot himself. "You _really_ don't need to repeat me every time I say something. She seems to have seen through our Guymelef's stealth cloaks, pointing out their locations."

"Seen through our Guymelef's stealth cloaks, pointing out their locations?!" Dornkirk gasped in horror.

"Cut it out already!" Folken barked.

"Cut it out-"

Folken held up the Nintendo DS, a dangerous glint in his eye. Dornkirk's voice trailed into a whimper as he firmly clapped his mouth shut, eyes glued to his beloved toy. Once he was sure Dorny would behave, Folken slowly lowered the gaming device.

"Are you done?" He asked softly.

"Ahem. Yes. Please, continue doing…that…_thing_ you were just doing." Dornkirk shifted around uncomfortably.

"You mean _reporting_?"

"Yeah, that."

"Reports also say she's got a sweet set of legs, and she also guides the Dragon by predicting the future." Folken continued.

"Mmmm. I do _love_ the legs…" Dornkirk commented dreamily. Folken felt the almost irresistible urge to smash his way though the TV-screen so he could punch Dornkirk in the face.

"Don't you think the bit with the Dragon is a liiiittle more important?" He hinted.

"What Dragon? Unless it's got fine-ass legs too, I'm not interested." Dornkirk commented bluntly.

Folken closed his eyes and raised the DS again. This time, he slowly scraped away some of the silver paint job using the sharp knife-like finger of his metal arm. Dornkirk's eyes widened with dismay and he quickly got back on track.

"Oh, uh, no! I mean, magnificent!" He began hurriedly. "That girl's power can confound my Destiny Prognosti-dohikey, I wish to see it! …And…"

"And her _legs_! I _know_!" Folken exploded, having totally given up on having a serious conversation with his master. "Just shut up already!" Dornkirk shrugged, his expression somewhat hurt, and fizzed off the screen, leaving it dark and blank. Folken glared at the empty screen before turning to flip open the game system and start 'er up. "Come on, Yoshi. Eat the gosh-darn turtle."

Back in the place where Dornkirk actually was, he sighed in remembrance and leaned back against his enormous chair surrounded with wires and bubbling green tubes, staring up at the night sky where the Messed-up Moon hung high above him.

"Hmmm. The planet Earth. I remember it from long ago…" he paused for a second. "Really…_really_ long ago. But not _that_ long, ladies!" He winked as the camera (quickly) switched to another scene.

-Back in Freid-

As the red sun drifted downwards in a beautiful sunset, Freidian Guymelefs clomped back and forth with spears, readying themselves for the battle that was sure to come. Foot soldiers also ran about doing one chore or another, while skinny monks who desperately needed to eat a sandwich chanted hymns in the temples. The huge main gate of Freid slowly eased closed as soldiers took up posts along the barricades, looking out over the water-logged fields for any sign of the enemy forces. Not like it's gonna help them any- er, uh! Forget I just said that! Keep reading!

Inside the castle, in the sick room, Millerna was just finishing changing Allen's bandages, which consisted on a single Looney-Tunes band-aid. Allen shifted uncomfortably, freezing his ass off on the cold stone floor.

"Uh, Princess Millerna?" He questioned, looking back over his shoulder at her. "Do I _really_ need to strip naked just for this?"

"Don't question the doctor!" Millerna chided, giving his back a soft pat. The Moleman (Woah! Where've you been, dude? Long time, no see! Fans of the Moleman may now cheer! _Silence_. Okay, moving on!) exited the room holding a pot, lowered the blinds, then quickly crouched down so he could eavesdrop on the two.

"Your wound is closing up, Allen!" Millerna observed, changing the subject.

"Yeah, it better be." Allen grumbled, in a sour mood. He shivered as a sudden flashback came to him, of a beautiful blonde woman looking back at him in a field of flowers. It was gone as quickly as it came. "Oooh. She was _sizzlin'_. Now if I could just remember that hunny's _name_…"

"Hmm. Time to molest Allen!" Millerna thought to herself. She leaned forward and trapped him in a hug. "Allen," she said aloud, "I don't care about Austuria, or Freid! Those two whores _had_ their chances with you and blew it! Just as long as _you're_ safe, I'll still bleep you!" She hugged him tighter, causing him to gurlge in pain as he thought he heard one of his ribs crack.

Moleman, who was watching the spectacle, gagged at the fluff-factor and turned away. Merle suddenly popped up like the plague, scaring the obese man out of his wits.

"What do you think you're doing, huh?" She asked suspiciously, swishing her tail at him. "_Huh_? You trying to watch them get freaky, huh? Aren't ya! Ya perv! Ya big fat _perv_!"

"Shut up! I ain't doin' nothing!" The Moleman hissed, signaling for the cat-girl to be quiet. It didn't work.

"Hey, Allen!" Merle called out, pushing aside the blinds and peering into the room. "Have you…why the hell are you _naked_?"

"None of your business!" Allen grumbled. "Now tell me what you want and go away!"

"Mmm." Merle shrugged and continued. "Have you seen Hitomi around here?"

"No, I…" Here Allen's face became an indescribable look of purest sadness. "…_Haven't_."

"Oh. Okay." Merle turned away, letting the blinds fall back in place. "I'll go ask some of the other men around here, I'm sure she's already slept with them! Later!" And with that, she dashed off in her search for the unfortunate psychic chick. Look out, Hitomi!

-Out on a Balcony of the Palace of Freid-

Hitomi gazed out at the lovely sunset, a rare smile on her face and eyes dancing with happiness. It was a beautiful day. And neither Allen nor Merle were there, which made it even better. Her smile grew wider as she watched the people of Freid bustle about below her, hauling goods on carts and running around for no apparent reason.

"It's so peaceful here…" she sighed softly. "I think I could- _AWWWGH_!" She jerked back in surprise as the sky suddenly turned red and a horrible image of Zongi's death sprang before her eyes once again before disappearing. "Gawd, I can't take it!" Hitomi whimpered, cradling her head in her hands. "Enough with the gory visions! Why do I keep seeing that dumbass? I don't even care about him anymore!"

"Mreow!"

"I wonder if this balcony is high enough that if I jump off I'll snap my neck…" Hitomi wondered, staring forlornly down at the ground over the balcony ledge before giving up and turning to look at evil personified.

Merle sat by the doorway, a smug smile on her face as she watched Hitomi with obvious amusement.

"I _never_ get bored of watching you," she chuckled. "It's like watching the Jerry Springer show, or a train wreck in slow motion. You're bleeping nuts."

"Yeah, like _you're_ one to talk," Hitomi mumbled under her breath, trying her best but failing to ignore the annoying cat-girl.

"Ohhh! I can't take it anymore!" Merle wailed mockingly, throwing her arms wide. "Why, oh, _why_ do I keep seeing it?" Hitomi sighed, letting out her inner pressure so she wouldn't explode. "Don't you _sigh_!" Merle snarled, stomping up to Hitomi and jabbing her with a sharp finger. "Lord Van wants to see you! _You_, not me! Damn you to hell! I hope you die!" She whirled on her heel and stormed off. Hitomi stared after her for several seconds, then decided to go see Van. Anything to get Merle riled up.

-With Van-

In a large, open Guymelef warehouse of Freid, the pristine white Escaflowne sat waiting as Van and several of Allen's crew sharpened its scratched and scarred blade with files. It was a grueling task, and Van's arms hurt him already. Not to mention Esca wouldn't stop messing with him.

"Oooh, yeah. Right there…" the Escaflowne moaned. "Yeah…no, wait. Slower."

"WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?" Van roared, chucking his file at Esca's head where it connected with a loud clang!. "That isn't funny! It's _gross_!"

"Man, this things a friggin' mess!" Reeden stated, inspecting the weathered blade with an expert eye. Indeed, Escaflowne's sword was criss-crossed with deep gouges and scratches all over its surface. "What've you been doing with this? Fighting _rocks_? I bet you lost to 'em, too…"

"Silence, peasant!" Van barked, trying his hardest to sound like the royalty he supposedly was. Everyone just ignored him.

"Allen's sword doesn't have a scratch on it," Kio pointed out.

"That's because he always finds an excuse to _not fight_." Van countered. "Aw, snap!" He and Reeden slapped a high-five.

"Now you're just being a snob!" Kio growled.

"He's lying," Gaddess interjected from the far wall, where he was buffing his own sword till it gleamed. "The boss's sword has a few nicks on it, from the time he tried to scratch his Guymelef's back. But not _nearly_ as many as yours, your majesty."

"Lord Vaaaaaaaaaan!" Merle sang, dashing into the room and zeroing in on Van. She leapt gracefully into the air, arcing toward her beloved chew-toy, who skillfully ducked out of the way. Merle sailed past Van and plowed into several crates filled to the brim with sharp implements. "_Mraaaaaawr_! Hiss!"

"Hitomi!" Van exclaimed with delight as Hitomi entered the warehouse and looked around curiously.

"Oh, uh…hi." Hitomi blushed slightly as Van aimed a beaming smile her way. "You…wanted to see me?"

"Not _naked_!" Merle hollered, still lying prone amongst the shattered boxes.

"Shut up, Merle," Van said automatically, then looked at Hitomi. "I'd like to ask for your help."

"Help?" Hitomi repeated, raising an eyebrow. "By that you mean 'body shield'?"

"No, no!" Van insisted, shaking his head. "I don't want you to go into battle or anything. You see, it's just that you can use your creepy powers to predict the future, and can see where invisible targets are." Hitomi narrowed her eyes as Van continued. "I was hoping you would use your powers to predict where Zaibach would attack from."

"Wow!" Reeden's jaw fell open in awe (get it? Say 'aww'? Y'see? Oh, forget it. Sob!). "That's gotta be the smartest suggestion you've ever had!"

"Yeah, we'll be able to scatter those losers!" Gaddess agreed.

"That creepy little lady will be our goddess of victory!" Kio declared. Everyone laughed in triumph while Merle finally sat up and glared daggers at Hitomi, who stood unmoving.

"_I_ wanna be a goddess of death!" The cat-girl hissed to herself.

"No way!"

"Huh?" The laughter was cut short by Hitomi's sudden outburst. Everyone looked at her, shocked.

"No means no!" Hitomi said firmly, staring straight into Van's eyes.

"H-Hitomi?" Van asked tremulously. "Don't tell me I've been able to emotionally damage your frail mental state with my abstract insensitivity again!"

"I won't!" Hitomi shook her head in refusal. "I don't want to see it! I won't be used like some kind of tool! Bob Villa can't sell me on an infomercial!" When confounded expressions were her only answer, she continued. "On earth, I was just a normal, albeit slightly creepy girl, with creepy Tarot cards and stuff! But since I came to Gaea, they've gotten so accurate, it's starting to freak even _me_ out!" Now everyone's gaze was focused on Hitomi's heart-felt plea, even that of Merle and the Escaflowne. "I keep having horrible visions! I…"

"Hitomi…" Van said softly.

"Stop counting on me!" Hitomi finally blurted it out, causing Van to gasp aloud. "Don't make me do any more readings or see any more horrible visions again. Never!" And with that, she whirled around and dashed out of the warehouse, leaving an awkward and weighty silence in her absence.

"Hitomi!" Van called after her in vain. Everyone now cast sympathetic glances after the fleeing girl, then glared at Van.

"Man," the Escaflowne grumbled. "What a _dick_."

-Later, With Hitomi-

It was now night time, the sun having sunk below the horizon and the stars appearing on the black curtain of the sky. Hitomi had wandered until finally coming upon a peacefully gurgling fountain and little garden. Sighing sadly, she sat down on the stone steps leading down to the water and began reminiscing about her normal life back on earth.

"Do a reading for me, Hitomi!" One of her friends pleaded. "I wanna see if my bastard boyfriend is cheating on me with that whore in homeroom!"

"No," another friend cut in, "read for me, Hitomi!"

"Your predictions are always creepily true, Hitomi!" One more giggled.

Hitomi sighed, having returned to the present and now feeling even more depressed than ever.

"Fortune telling was just a game…for fun! Now, I'm hooked on it like crack! So please, make it stop! Make the disturbing visions stop! Please, make them stop!" Hitomi whimpered and rested her head on her knees.

-With Princess Millerna-

Millerna skipped around happily, not sure at all where she was. In fact, she was hopelessly lost.

"Hmm. Where am I again? I _really_ have to drop the kids off at the pool! Bathroom…bathroom…" She cast left and right, and paused when she caught sight of a nearby building. The door was slightly open, and the lights were on. Millerna's senses immediately went on the fritz. "Nosy senses…tingling! Must…resist…temptation…oh, hell!"

Peeking her head in through the door, Millerna spotted the Duke of Freid, minus the armor and helmet and looking like an actual man instead of a blood-thirsty Mongolian ruler. He was inside the parlor of the strange house, gazing up at a large centerfold of a beautiful, blonde woman in a skimpy bikini hanging over the fireplace. The woman, predictably, was Marlene, Millerna's older sister.

"Boo-yah! That's my sissy!" Millerna boasted, barging in and causing the Duke to jump nearly five feet upward in fright. "Hey, Chuckles! How's it hanging?"

"Please give me strength, Marlene," the Duke prayed, touching the picture with a gentle hand before turning to Millerna. "Why, hello Princess. What can I do for you?"

"What _is_ this place, Dukey?" Millerna asked, looking around.

"This is a villa Marlene used when she saw alive," the Duke explained.

"Vanilla? I _love_ vanilla ice-cream!"

"I said _villa_! Oh, ye gods…" Duke Freid wiped his face, frustrated. "She used to stay here before she became my wifey, and I had this building ripped up from its foundations and dragged over here."

"Oh. You…can't even tell," Millerna stated, staring at the huge cracks in the walls and greatly uneven floorboards. "It's just as I remembered. Except it wasn't full of old man smell." Here she gazed meaningfully at the Duke.

"I'm not _that_ old!" He snarled, storming past the spoiled Princess and reaching for the door. "Feel free to use these rooms during your stay here. In fact, why don't you just stay in here all the time and never come out, ever? I'm sure everyone else would _really_ appreciate it."

"Huh?" Millerna had been busy checking out her own ass. "Whuzzat?"

"Forget it. Goodnight." Duke Freid opened the door and ran for all he was worth.

"Whee! More nosy time!" Millerna sang as she went around, peering curiously at everything in the room. There were shelves laden with thick books, lamps that lit the room, and a lovely vanity mirror next to the fireplace.

"Wooh! I'm so hot!" Millerna blew a kiss at her reflection in the mirror before realizing that she recognized the piece of furniture. "Hmm? What's this?" She drew open a drawer on the vanity and gasped in pleasure as little soldier men struck out a cute tune on musical keys. In fact, the cute tune sounded a lot like…

"Hey! I know this song, it's the theme song for…" she trailed off and looked nervously at the camera, wondering if it was okay to name the show that she was _on_. "Uh, look! Boobies!" She flipped open her shirt for a split second, exposing his frilly pink bra for all to see. Pleased with her work of deflecting her folly, she closed her shirt and turned back to the little men playing the tune. "_Saved_ it!"

Millerna leaned against her arm, listening aimlessly as the song continued, letting her memories come forth and wash over her.

-Whee! Flashback Time!-

"Waaaaaah!" A pint-sized Millerna clutched at Marlene's dress, sobbing pitifully (and annoyingly). "You're leaving, aren't you?! Don't leave me, sissy! I'll…I'll…I'll hold my breath!" She took a deep gulp of air and began holding it.

"Oh, Millerna…" Marlene said softly, patting her little sister's head. "_Anything_ to get away from you." The door to the lush chamber suddenly opened, revealing a younger Allen Schezar, wearing his normal blue-and-white puffy-sleeved tunic with his hair cropped hilariously short.

"Hey, Princess Marlene," he cooed. "You're lookin' smoking _hot_ in that dress!"

The scene skipped ahead to outside the palace, where a large procession took place, with banners and soldiers lined up on a walkway as Marlene, now dressed up all pretty-like, walked down an aisle to a waiting Freid ship. The ship lifted off and slowly flew away, with little Millerna waving after it.

"I get your rooooom! Thanks, sis!" She called out.

-Horray! Flashback's Oveeeer!-

Millerna leaned heavily against her propped up arm, eyes closed in slumber and a thin trail of drool dribbling from her slightly opened mouth. A soft snoring filled the room as she continued to sleep, not having noticed that the flashback had commenced and the cameras were on her again. Someone was kind enough to chuck a crumpled-up piece of paper at her in an attempt to awaken the sleeping beauty, but it had no effect, so a well-sized shoe had to be used.

_Whack_!

"Huh, whaaa?" Millerna sputtered in surprise, finally waking up. "Owwie, my head…" She rubbed the tender bruise that had risen from the impact with the shoe and wiped away the drool on her chin. "Who was that? Allen? Oh! Music's done!" She stared down at the little soldiers, who had indeed finished their cute lil' tune and stood silently, waiting for Millerna to intervene. "Oh…Marlene…" she sighed, then jerked upright, as if hearing voices telling her to do something. "What? Push the head of that little soldier second to the right? Why? Well, alright," Millerna shrugged her shoulders and reached out a hand. "But it's not like it's going to do any- _OHSWEETMOTHEROFMERCY_!!"

Once Millerna had tapped the soldier's head, a secret button had been pushed and the small stage the soldiers were on revolved to reveal a thick book, most probably a diary. Millerna wasted no time with her newfound treasure.

"_Jackpot_!" She snatched it up and flipped it open to read.

-Somewhere in the Palace Walls-

Van breathed calmly, in and out, readying himself and his mind. Slowly, he lifted his long bow and firmly drew back the straight, strong arrow to-

"The arrow's backwards, Lord Van." Merle stated from her seat on the steps.

"Shut up! I knew that!" Van growled with a blush, quickly correcting his error and trying again. Here he was trying to be cool, and Merle just _had_ to ruin in. Stupid brat. "Unh…" Yanking back on the bowstring again, Van took aim at the target some dozen feet away. Closing his eyes to concentrate like Hitomi had shown him, he saw a sudden flashback of when she had been yelling at him for being such an inconsiderate a-hole.

_Twang_!

"Awwwggh!" A lone sentry who'd been standing guard on the parapet above the garden Van was currently training in jolted in pain and fell over backwards – right off the wall. He fell flailing down almost twenty feet where he landed with a crash almost on top of Van. A strange silence filled the air as the man lay unmoving with the boy-King staring at the body in horror.

"Oh…bleep. Run, Merle, run!" Van snatched up his quiver of arrows and bow and ran for all he was worth. No way was he getting blamed for this, even if it _was_ his fault.

-Back with Hitomi at the Fountain-

Hitomi still sat gloomily on the stone steps, watching the reflection of the Messed-up Moon in the fountain's pool. Van was such a jerk. But then again, so was Allen. And Millerna. And Merle. Damn, did she have _anyone_?

"Hitomiiii!" A soft voice wined from behind her.

"I'll take what I can get." Hitomi thought, glancing behind her to see Prince Chid standing there clad in Barney pajamas. Strangely, the bottom half of his clothes were soaking wet, and when the sharp scent of urine hit Hitomi's nostrils, she had a _pretty_ good idea why.

"I wet my bed," Chid said matter-of-factly.

"You don't say?" Hitomi responded sarcastically.

"Can I stay out here with you?" Chid asked, clutching a Barney stuffed-animal to his chest. "Daddy'll spank me if I go tell him."

"Oh, fine." Hitomi agreed. "Just…not too close, now." Chid smiled happily and trotted down the steps to sit next to Hitomi and join her gloom-filled daze.

-Elsewhere in the Palace-

"I hope they don't find that body until morning," Van grumbled to himself, adjusting his bow as he tried again to train his archery skills (if they could be called that). Lifting his bow and drawing back the arrow, he closed his eyes to try Hitomi's trick but again saw the image of Hitomi yelling at him, throwing off his coolness factor and messing with his aim.

_Twang_!

"Gwaaack!" A large, white bird fell to the ground with a thump, Van's arrow protruding from its lovely white breast. Van quickly recognized the fowl as Freid's prized, nearly extinct exotic bird native only to that region. Time to run like hell.

"Dammit! Not again! Let's go, Merle! _Serpentine_!"

-Back with Hitomi and Chid-

"I can never be like my daddy!" Prince Chid confessed, spilling his heart out to Hitomi. "Mommy wanted me to be a good ruler. That's why she told me stories about Allen – so I would know what _not_ to do! But…I'll never be good enough. Waaaah!" He burst into tears and began sobbing, hugging his Barney tightly to himself.

"Shut up, kid!" Hitomi barked, being too fed up with people telling her their problems when she already had enough of her own. "Shut up and listen to me!" This quieted Chid, who stared at Hitomi with big, round eyes. "You know," Hitomi began in a nicer, gentler voice now that she'd calmed down, "People have an amazing ability. My grammy told me about it. Just keep thinking 'I wish I were' or 'I want to be'. If you say those things, your wishes will come true. Wish hard enough, and it'll reach the stars! They'll give you the last of their power to make it come true!"

"Hitomi," Chid said softly, "how stupid do you think I am? I maybe be young, but I'm not retarded."

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Just thought I'd try." Hitomi scowled. "Fine, you wanna know what'll _really_ happen to you? You're gonna be the most sucky ruler ever in existence. Now buzz off and let me brood in peace."

-With Van Again-

_Twang_!

_Fwack_!

"Look, Merle, I did it!" Van cheered happily, gesticulating toward the target where his arrow had indeed stuck the center. He seemed very proud.

"Uh, yeah…" Merle eyed the target, which just so happened to be a few inches in front of Van's face. "You sure did it, Lord Van. Now maybe you could try again with a little more…distance?"

"What, are you bleeping crazy?" Van asked, taken aback.

-Back with Hitomi (Now Scenes are Gonna Switch From Hitomi to Millerna for a While so no More Scene Change Header Things-

"Look, if it'll cheer you up," Hitomi was saying to the now wailing Chid, "I'll do a reading for you. I'll ask the stars! Tarot cards use the power of the stars to see the future! It's maaaagical-"

"Seriously, enough, Hitomi." Chid said firmly.

"Oh, alright. Sorry."

Millerna was crouched over the newfound book, poring over its contents like a graduate school student studying for exams. She was starting to have a sneaking suspicion that the book was a diary that had been owned by someone closely related to her…

"My stupid little sister's really been annoying me," she read aloud, since it made it easier on her already over-timing brain, "so I went out to a tournament today. It was really boring until people started killing each other, which was pretty neat. Also, there was a mega-hot man there, named Allen Schezar! He was quite dull in the head and a colossal womanizer to boot, but he was such a hunkasaurus that I just couldn't resist!"

Millerna looked up from the book, a worried crease in her brow. "…Maybe it's another Allen." Pfft. Yeah. Like the world could actually tolerate _two_ Allen Schezars. Think again, hunny-buns. "Wait! This must be Marlene's diary!" Millerna cried, suddenly realized why the speech pattern sounded so dang familiar. She looked down and continued to read.

"Allen's so cool! He has become a Knight of Kaeli! In all of Austuria, only twelve other people may have that honor! Sweetness! He's a real Knight of the heavens! The name suits him perfectly! He's received guard duty, and has left for the Castle of Palace. Double-donkey punch! Now if I could just catch him alone…"

Millerna gasped in anger and glared up at the centerfold of her sister hanging over the fireplace. "You whore! Back offa my man, sissy!" She stuck out her tongue at the picture and flipped her the bird. "Oh, wait, you're _dead_…I win!"

Hitomi sat on the hardwood floor of one of the rooms of the castle of Freid, staring down at the Tarot cards lying face-down before her. She extended a hand and began flipping them over, whilst naming the cards and what they meant.

"The Emperor…Justice…" She looked up at Chid, who sat across from her watching with interest. "It's going to be okay! You'll grow up to be much braver and stronger than Allen!"

"Thank _goodness_!" Prince Chid gave a sigh of pure relief.

"The Wheel of Fortune…" Hitomi continued, flipping over more cards. "You'll overcome a great trial in the future, and…huh?" An image of Marlene flickered before her eyes for a second before fading away. "Woah! What? Who the hell are you, sweet cheeks?"

"What's wrong, Hitomi?" Chid asked anxiously.

"Oh, uh, nothing!" Hitomi lied. "Let's continue, shall we?"

Millerna was still reading the diary, and thanking Hooked on Phonics for letting her get this far on her own. Boy, wouldn't it be awkward to ask the Duke of Freid to read his own wife's private diary aloud to her?

"I've been betrothed to the Duke of Freid," Millerna read, slowly sounding out the words and wishing she'd been smart enough to bring the Hooked on Phonics tape with her. "Damnation! He's an okay man, but he's nothing compared to Allen's bumbling antics and charming stupidity! The man has actual _brains_, for goodness sake! I guess this is what happens to the royal ladies, huh? Well, this sucks monkey butt. I love you so much, Allen! Take me!"

Millerna sat down hard on a chair, mind churning with the gravity of what she'd just read.

"They…were in love? Damn, how old _is_ Allen?"

Hitomi gasped as an inappropriate image of Allen and Marlene canoodling in a field entered her mind against her will.

"Ugh! Oh, man! I really don't need to see this! Wha- _AWGH_! No! Stop that! Put your clothes back on! No! Noooooo! My virgin _eyes_!" She began screaming and clawing at her eyes in horror as the image (and following ones) refused to leave.

Millerna didn't even notice that it had started to rain, so absorbed she was in the book. She seriously couldn't remember the last book she'd ever read, and it may have been that this was the first.

"Crap, I'm screwed!" The diary continued to explain. "The child is the result of _that_ night! Damn you, Allen, for being such a stud! What'll the Duke say? I can't hide it, either! Here I am, walkin' around with my belly as big as a watermelon, and have been fortune enough to be born into a family of idiots! But…the Duke will surely be able to tell! That man is too smart for his own good! He'll put two and two together, and…dawg! I'm so screwed! _Literally_!"

Hitomi sat slack-jawed, eyes blank and filmy, praying to whatever gods she believed in that she'd never have to witness such as atrocious act as the one that had just played before her eyes.

"I…really…_really_ didn't need to see that…" She whispered to herself, still staring off into space.

"Hitomi, you okay?" Chid leaned forward and touched Hitomi's hand lightly.

"Gawd! You're what they were _making_! Don't touch me! Ngaaah!" The freaked-out psychic girl threw herself backwards away from the small Prince, who frowned in confusion at her antics.

"What?"

"Er, uh, I mean, sorry!" Hitomi forced out a laugh that sounded more like a neigh. "I just lost my lunch- I mean concentration! I just lost my concentration! Now, let's see… Oh!!" Hitomi gasped again when she laid eyes on one of the cards she'd recently flipped over. "That card! The reversed Empress…" She looked up at Chid in disbelief. "Forbidden love?"

"Noooooo!" Millerna hurled herself onto the floor of the villa, screaming and shrieking out her rage whilst flailing her limbs about. "Allen is Marlene's baby daddy! Nooo! It's not friggin' fair! _I_ want a love child from Allen! Meeeee!" She jumped up and began breaking priceless vases and tearing wallpaper in fury.

-Wooh! Finally! A Change! Later, that Morning!-

It was early morning, with the sun just peeking its face over the distant horizon. As rays of light pushed their way past the hills, so too did small, black dots. These black dots advanced on the unsuspecting city of Freid, growing more and more numerous as the sun crept higher into the sky. But beware! These were no ordinary black dots… No…these were…

_ZAIBACH FLOATING JELLYFISH_! Oh, bleeps! Freid is so screwed in the aaaanus! There's, like, millions of those damn evil dots! Dots are evil! Don't trust them! Wait…ngaaah! There's some on this very page! _Shrieeeek_! _Fic author runs away_ Er, uh, sorry. Got a little carried away there. Anyway, from one of the evil dots, an old man was speaking.

"Kick-ass! The four demon armies of Zaibach are mustering once again!" (Outside - _mustermustermuster_) An elderly soldier grunted in awe. "They haven't been together since that time we watched the Super Bowl! General Adelphos?" He turned to a well-built man wearing red armor with a mustache and beard (guess that's the style in Gaea, eh?). "I would be honored if you'd give the order."

"Yes…" General Adelphos said levelly, narrowing his eyes. "Someone… bring me…a _carbonated beverage_…"

"…Sssssir, don't you mean, 'start the attack'?"

"Huh?" The Red General blinked in surprise. "Oh. Yes. That, too."

"All ships in formation!" The soldier barked out.

"Eeeeexcellent…" Adelphos hissed to himself, doing the evil-finger-twiddle-thing. "The time has come…for…the Real World! I _love_ that show!" He drew out a remote from his red armor and flipped on the TV, showing teenage dumbasses getting piss-drunk and fighting like buffoons.

"_Sir_…" the same soldier admonished.

"Oh. Right." Adelphos quickly ordered his Tivo to record the episode and turned off the TV. Fluidly drawing his blade, he pointed it ominously at the city of Freid that could be seen through the window of the Floating Jellyfish. "The grace of the gods is with us!" Adelphos boldly declared. "All forces…laaaaaunch!"

Guymelefs dropped out of the air like crap from thousands of birds, landing on the territory surrounding Freid so there would be no escape for the inhabitants.

"Army of Bronze, forward, _now_!" Another General, this time dressed in green armor commanded. More Guymelefs fell from the sky.

"Army of Iron, launch!" A General with funny goggles roared, letting loose even more Guymelefs.

"Army of Silver, launch, now!" Yet another General ordered.

"Army of Jaaaaade," an extremely gay-looking General trilled, dressed in extravagant clothing and jewelry. "Laaaaunch, like, nooow!"

_Smack_!

"Quit foolin' around in front of the cameras!"

Down on the forest floor, countless Guymelefs stomped through thick, dreary forests, deep, rushing rivers, and long, craggy valleys. Needless to say, they were all completely lost.

"Dude! Where the bleep _are_ we?"

"How should I know? You morons didn't bring a map!"

"Yeah! This is all your fault!"

"I…I have to tinkle."

"What, right _now_, right before we crush this stupid country?"

"Y-yeah…"

"Well, too friggin' bad! Just hold it until we're done!"

"Hmmmmmmn…oooohhh... I, uh, don't have to go anymore."

"GROSS! Stay the hell away from me!"

Freidian soldiers who had been hiding among the trees and rocks laughed heartily at the misfortune of the intruders, which only incited their anger and made things worse.

"Hey, shut up, baldies!" Several Crima Claws were shot in their direction, but the Freidian soldiers quickly ducked out of the way and dashed homeward, which direction they fortunately knew.

Zaibach foot soldiers also joined the fray, holding up banners with Zaibach slogans scribbled on them. There were ones with "Zaibach Rules", and "Zaibach Forever", and, strangely enough, one which read "I'd have sex with Zaibach if it were a person!".

"Did you _write_ that?" One foot soldier asked disgustedly.

"Hey, I love Zaibach." The other answered, shrugging nonchalantly. "_Jealous_?"

As the day of the battle dawned, foot soldiers backed up by Guymelefs and Floating Jellyfishes lined the cliffs surrounding the city of Freid, all awaiting the signal to attack and decimate the vulnerable capital.

-Inside the Castle of Freid-

"Uh, Majesty…" Borus coughed to get the Duke's attention, who lounged on his throne as if he hadn't a care in the world. "In case you haven't…you know…looked outside…almost all of Zaibach is sittin' on our front porch, and I _think_ they mean business…"

"Oh, nonsense, Borus," the Duke said off-handedly. "I bet they're here to exchange recipes for-"

"Come out, douche! Oops! I mean, Duke!" A nasty voice rang out from the exterior of the palace. Several seconds later, a mid-sized rock smashed its way through one of the wide windows of the palace, shattering it into a million pieces.

"Hey!" The Duke sat bolt-upright in fury, his moustache standing on end with rage. "That was my favorite window, a-holes! That's it! All forces, prepare to open up a can of Whup-Ass on Zaibach!"

"Oh, father…" Chid sighed, shaking his head in shame.

-In the Guymelef Warehouse-

In the Guymelef warehouse, it was pure chaos. Men ran too and fro, some hopping into Guymelefs and taking off, some just getting in the way of others out of pure spite. Van weaved his way through the crowd to where his own melef, Escaflowne, waited for him. Merle chased after him, complaining all the way.

"Lord Vaaaaan!" She wailed. "Please, let me come too!"

"No way, Merle!" Van ordered, finally reaching Esca and climbing up on him. "As much as I'd like for you to come into battle with me and be horribly disemboweled by a stray enemy shot, this is my first chance to get away from you in, like, two minutes. Later! Stay here and look after Hitomi!"

"Oh, I'll 'look after' her, alright," Merle hissed to herself. "Kill her _dead_ is more like it!" Van hopped into the Escaflowne's chest cavity and closed the hull around him, taking a seat at the helm to pilot the Guymelef. The Escaflowne rose majestically and cracked its back, having gotten a bit sore from having to sit there all friggin' day.

"Guess it's the ass-kickin' hour again, huh?" It asked its master.

"Ya damn right!" Van answered. Driving the melef forward, he couldn't resist the temptation to try and see if Merle was squishable under the heavy foot of Esca. She was a wily one, though, and nimbly dodged the descending member before being crushed.

"That's not funny, Lord Van!"

-At Another Guymelef Warehouse-

Allen Schezar, now fully healed and ready for battle, stood before his second-in-command issuing orders, just like the good old days.

"Gaddess, order everyone, and I mean _everyone_, to take up positions right smack dab in front of me, kay? I don't want to get one _single_ scratch on Sherry's new paint job!" Allen explained.

"Sherry?" Gaddess repeated, eyebrows raised in disbelief.

"Yes," Allen said proudly, tossing his head. "That's my melef's new nickname. You got a problem with that?"

"No, sir," Gaddess answered, desperately trying to keep his face straight and not burst out laughing. It proved impossible. "Giggle…Wait till the guys hear this." He ran off, hooting with laughter, leaving Allen staring after him with a questionable expression.

"Maybe he hit his head, or something…" Allen pushed this thought aside and turned to look up at Scherazade, er, Sherry. "_Okay_. I can do this. I'm going to go into battle. And no screaming like a little girl this time." Slowly forcing his legs to move, he began inching up the steps to his melef, about an inch at a time. His eyes resembled a deer's when caught in headlights, and he was shaking like someone having an epileptic seizure. But still, he continued dragging himself up, step after step, until finally he-

"Allen!"

"Oh, thank you GOD!" Allen was more than extremely happy to turn away from his melef to nearly throw himself back down the stairs. "Come here and let me make out with you, Milly!"

Princess Millerna stood at the bottom of the stairs, gazing up at Allen with a rare, serious look on her face.

"Allen…" she began, "I…want to ask you about something…"

"If it's about my hair, it's 100 natural," Allen answered, running his fingers through his long, golden locks.

"Uh, no, it's not that," Millerna corrected.

"Not about my hair?" Allen asked skeptically. "Then what on earth _else_?"

"It's about…Princess Marlene…"

"…Okay, who the bleep is that again?"

"Marlene! My sister!" Millerna shouted angrily. "The one you done knocked up! And that means that you're Chid's fa-"

_GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONGGGG_!

"GET LOST!" Millerna hollered at the gong-man. "We don't need you anymore! We're all supposed to find this out now!" The gong-man stood silently for several moments, a single tear slipping down his cheek. Sadly taking gong in hand, he turned away dramatically and walked away into the unknown. Millerna and Allen watched him go, feeling a bit bad for being so cruel to the man.

"Wow, poor guy…" Allen murmured before it hit him. "Ow! What did you hit me for?"

"Remember who Marlene is!" Millerna ordered, drawing back her fist for another punch. "I know that you're not that dumb!"

"Wait, wait!" Allen shouted, cowering away from the enraged Princess. "I remember her now! Honest! It was really fun makin' that baby, and if she's who I think she is, then Chid is indeed my s-"

"Chid is _my_ son!" Duke Freid cut in, standing on a balcony over looking the two.

"Oh, so now _you're_ gonna take over for the gong-man, Chuckles?" Millerna asked, hands planted firmly on hips. The Duke aimed a glare that would have burned her to her marrow if she'd been smart enough to know it.

"Silence, harlot!" He then lifted his burning gaze to bore into Allen, sending I-wish-I-could-kill-you-but-the-unseen-forces-won't-let-me rays at the man.

-On One of the Zaibach Floating Jellyfishes-

In the main command center of the Floating Jellyfish, soldiers were reporting and relaying orders while they waited for the signal to attack.

"All Guymelef units have been deployed!"

"Here's your coffee, sir!"

"Dragonslayers are in position!"

"I'm not wearing any underwear!"

Folken effortlessly back-handed the soldier who'd been messing with the radio, wishing he had been devoured by Dragons all those years ago.

"Have the Dragonslayers park it for the time being," he said after some thought, then cocked his head. "Dilandau, have you taken your meds?"

"Yeah, yeah! Get offa my back. I'll follow your orders," Dilandau said grumpily, miffed that this was his only appearance in the entire damn episode. Folken nodded and gazed out at the distant city, wondering where his little brother was, and if he'd pissed himself yet.

"Van…" He whispered.

"No, I'm Dilan-"

"I was talking to myself!" Folken spat. "Lemme alone already!"

Outside the Floating Jellyfish, all the enemy melef units surrounding the city began activating their stealth cloaks, disappearing from sight one after the other. It was going to be a loooong day for Freid.

On a solitary cliff overlooking the city, the gong-man stared wistfully back at his beloved home, clutching his precious gong to his chest to ease the pain in his heart. Turning away from the sight in grief, he let another tear slide down his cheek as he walked away to embark on his very own adventure.

-Episode 12 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Gah! For some strange reason, this episode was _shorter_ than normal. Gong-man, may he rest in peace. Perhaps, one day, he will return… We'll just have to wait and see! Well, later! Review, please!


	13. Episode 13: Retarded Destiny

Author's Note: Woohoo! Halfway point! Episode 13! Boo-yeah! Wait…_AUGH_! 13! Unlucky! Where's a damn horse-shoe when ya need one?! Dang, this is taking a loooong time! Da-yam! I'll still try my best, though. Have fun! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 13

Re(tarde)d Destiny

Recap: The gang meet Genghis Kahn- oh, uh, the Duke of Freid, and Allen is verbally bitch-slapped by him before Millerna can butt in and make things better (?). Zaibach, meanwhile, continues its evil plans for world domination (and getting the high-score on Mario). Van somehow manages to flub up and hurt Hitomi's feelings yet _again, _much to Merle's delight. Hitomi runs off sobbing and is _sort_ of consoled by Prince Chid, whom she spends some quality time with. Millerna does some snooping around and sniffs out her older, deader sister Marlene's diary, which she begins to read with earnest. While Hitomi does a prediction for Chid, Millerna is shocked to find out that Allen is Marlene's baby daddy, and the baby is none other than Prince Chid. Dun dun dunnnnn! Loud gasp from the audience but everyone already knew The next morning, evil dots begin approaching the city of Freid, revealing themselves to be Zaibach Floating Jellyfish, who are here to break Freid's kneecaps for not ponying up the dough they lost on the horse races. Freid prepares for the assault (when Zaibach breaks the Duke's favorite window) with Van and Allen getting ready to go into action. Yeah. Lotta help they'll be. Let's hope they crap their pants _after_ the fight is done.

Well, Freid had had one hell of a day. Zaibach had barged in uninvited and kicked their asses. Inside the castle walls, it was pure chaos. Dead bodies lay strewn everywhere in the streets and walkways, covered in blood and…well…_dead_. Busted Guymelefs leaned against broken walls, unusable to their pilots. Fires munched angrily here and there, eating away at the little that was left of the city. Black smoke from the hungry flames drifted lazily up into the blue sky, turning it a melancholic gray.

"Wowwie!" One dumbass exclaimed as he surveyed the carnage. "I mean, 'wow' with a capital '_wuh'_! Who threw a Backstreet Boys concert here?"

Spluch!

A random Crima Claw cut off his next stupid remark. Everyone cheered in gratitude.

Elsewhere, Zaibach foot soldiers marched through the ruined streets of the once marvelous capital. As the rhythmic stomp of their boots set a beat, they began to sing, which is either good or bad, depending on how you look at it.

"We will, we will, ROCK YOU!" Clap clap "ROCK YOU!" Clap clap

"Make those idiots shut up!" Dilandau barked to his subordinates. "Chesta! Have you found my moisturizer yet? These friggin' awesome flames are doing _hell_ on my beautiful pale complexion."

"Uh, sir," Chesta asked sheepishly, "what about the Dragon?"

"_What about the Dragon_?" Dilandau mimicked in a nasty voice. "Shut up!" Smack! Chesta went reeling back. "Face, NOW!"

Dilandau was in his trademark red Oreades and surrounded by his loyal troop of Dragonslayers in blue Guymelefs. He rested one large melef foot on the fallen body of an unfortunate foe, his metal blade dripping with red fluid.

"I love French-fries." Dilandau dipped a single curly fry into the ketchup slathered onto his sword, then raised it to melef's face-plate. "Now how the hell do I get this to my mouth?"

"Sir," one Dragonslayer reported as he ambled up, "there's no sign of that pansy Van. Most of the enemy's melef units have been wiped out. I think it's safe to say that we've kicked major asseage today. We now occupy the castle grounds."

"Hmm." Dilandau had given up on eating his beloved food and cast it aside. He looked up at the castle of Freid and narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "This is too weird. Those losers aren't putting up enough of a fight. It's like they'd have to kill _themselves_ to make it any easier. Something's…not right here. Huh?" The pretty-boy cocked his head to the side, as if listening to an invisible guardian…or unseen forces, the conniving bastards. "What's that? Don't go any further? Why the hell not? Well, fine, if you put it that way. Everyone, we're staying here!"

"B-but sir!" A Dragonslayer protested before getting a swift kick to the crotch.

"Shuttie! We'll wait for the Dragon to make his move. I am _not_ looking stupid again, gosh darn it!" Dilandau fumed and settled himself down to wait.

-Onboard One of the Floating Jellyfish-

In the Command Deck of one of the Floating Jellyfishes above Fried, an extremely elderly soldier looked up at Lord Folken and opened his mouth to update him on the happenings of the army. Too bad for him, his bowels chose that moment to give way, and I'll let your imaginations fill in the rest.

"Aw, dang it." The old man looked down at his pants sadly. "I crapped myself."

"Okay, someone get me a new reporter-person NOW." Folken sighed and glanced around for anything sharp to slash his wrists with. Fortunately, there was nothing usable nearby. The smelly old man was hauled away by others and was replaced by a new, much younger soldier. "Much better."

"Lord Folken," the young soldier informed, "the Dragonslayers are being stubborn little bastards and refusing to budge from their current position."

"Hunh." Folken grunted in confusion and frowned. "How surprisingly smart of Dilandau." Inside, he was secretly thinking, "Damn! Why won't you just _die_, brat! Let me be rid of you and your insanity once and for all!" He spoke aloud, "It can't be this easy to steal the secret treasure of Freid, that which was been passed down since time immemorial, the priceless Ark of the Cove- er, oops. Wait, wrong show. Anyways… _yeah_. That thing we want." He glared at the camera, a blush spreading across his pale features. "Change the damn scene already!"

-Inside the Castle of Freid-

Deep within the castle, down a long, dark hallway, one last Freidian Guymelef was making a stand against enemy melef units and foot soldiers. The pilot of the black and green melef armed with naught but a sword was none other than Borus, the white-bearded wonder! He was taking advantage of the situation to show that he had a spectacular singing voice. Or he thought, at least.

"_IIIIIII_…stand alone! Inside _IIIIIII_…stand alone!" Borus paused in his horrible rendition of 'I Stand Alone' by Godsmack to grumble to himself. "Man, why do I gotta be the one to make a last stand? Damn straws were fixed, I know it. They were probably _all_ short."

"There's still one left!" One Zaibach soldier cried out, just in case anyone was stupid enough to _not_ notice. Crima Claws shot out at the lone fighter, piercing his arm and throwing him backwards.

"Oogh! That…all ya got?" Borus growled but refused to give up that easily. "Is there a window open, I think I feel a draft!" Another Crima Claw appeared and stabbed into his leg. "Well, if I wanted a kiss I woulda called your _mothers_!" One final Crima Claw plunged into his gut with a sickening sound. "…That was a good one."

"That's for what you said about my mommy!" A soldier shrieked with tears in his eyes.

"I'll never give you the secret treasure of Freid!" Borus said, blood leaking for him mouth. "Prince Chid, I'll always remember you as the most annoying little hellion that it's ever been my misfortune to know. Give your daddy hell!" The Zaibach weapon retracted from his melef's body, causing him to stagger forward. As he did so, Borus raised his arm and brought his sword down on the stone obelisk that had been separating him from the enemy. As the globe shattered, a strange rumbling began shaking the small room.

"Hey! What's that?" One soldier looked around in astonishment.

"My tummy?" Another joked.

"Ohhhh GOD just shut up before I kill you."

"Sorry."

The stupid soldiers' antics were cut short as the ceiling of the room gave way, depositing tons of stone and rubble onto the tops of the unsuspecting fools' heads. Wait, Borus is there, too! Nooooooooooooo! _Sniffle_

-Outside the Castle of Freid-

Dilandau gaped in awe as he watched the castle collapse into itself, crushing everyone inside.

"Oooh! Sweetness!" Greatly impressed, Dilandau almost didn't spot the small convoy of Freid airships runnin' the hell away under the cover of the falling ruin of the palace. "Those cowardly bastards! They sacrificed their own people to get away!" He paused for a second. "That's _my_ job! _I'm_ the inconsiderate a-hole who throws his minions away like yesterdays garbage! How dare they! You're gonna get it for that!" Dilandau glared balefully up at the disappearing ships, planning revenge that would be most sweet.

-Onboard the Fleeing Ships-

Prince Chid pressed his face against the cold glass of the airship, gazing forlornly down at the ruined city beneath.

"The castle! The castle is burning!" He whimpered, tears filling his baby blue eyes.

"Uh, we can see that. We're not blind." Van commented with his usual tactlessness. Hitomi resisted the urge to smack his upside the head, and instead looked down at the crispy city, clutching her magical traveling gym-bag to her that she just _happened_ to remember to bring (Yeah, right. Mo' like threatened her with dismemberment if she left it behind again).

"Man. Sucks to be them," she thought. "Geez, I've seen this, what? Two, three times already? I'm starting to think that maybe I'm bad luck or something."

"No!" Chid gasped aloud, collapsing to his knees in front of the window. "I forgot my Barney stuffed animal! And all my games…they're all gone! Waaaaah!" He dissolved into tears, earning sympathetic looks from Millerna and Allen. "Now I'll never play with my toys again!" Van watched quietly, wincing in pain as Merle dug her sharp claws into his arm. He thought back to before the city had been destroyed…

-Wheee! Flashback Time!-

Van strode out of the Guymelef warehouse, piloting the Escaflowne. He was ready to face Zaibach and defend the country. He was ready to fight for the sake of these people. He was ready to crap himself.

"Wait, Fanelia!" A deep voice stopped him short. Looking down in surprise, Van saw Borus (y'know, still alive back then) and several guards standing before him, blocking his way. All coherent thought disappeared as Van realized Borus had helped delay the inevitable. Snapping the Esca's visor open, he displayed his gratitude to the large man.

"Let me make love to you."

"WHAT?!" Borus gagged, wide-eyed. This had to be the third time this had happened to him, and he was getting _really_ sick of it. Plus, it was mostly men who said it, and he didn't swing that way. "Look, I've come to ask a special favor of you, okay?"

"I'm already _doing_ you chumps a favor!" Van retorted. "I'm defending your friggin' castle for you! What _else_ do you want?"

"Er, yeah…about that…" Borus rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "We thought it best if you _didn't_ go out there. You'd probably forget which side you're on. Please, do exactly as I ask." Van stared at Borus for several seconds until it sunk in.

"…Okay, seriously. You _have_ to let me bleep you now."

"Just get outta here!"

-Flashback's Oveeer!-

"Chid, suck that lower lip back in this _instant_!" Duke Freid roared, disgusting by his son's actions. He was showing _feelings_, for goodness sake! Over at the helm, the Duke glared over his shoulder at his weeping boy. "If you've got time to cry, then you've got time for a lengthy lecture on kingly duties! And I _will_ be quizzing you on this!"

"Aw, daaad…" Chid whined.

"Look below us, sonny!" The Duke gestured out the window. "Just look at the broken body of Borus! And all those who have died to protect you! At the fate of all those born in Freid, at the heavy burden of those who rule her, shed no tears for them! You are a Prince of Freid!" He turned away back to the front of the ship. "Plus it's _really_ getting on my nerves."

Chid did as his father directed and sucked it up. He stood up, a bit wobbly at first, and aimed a scathing glare at the back of his daddy's head.

"I'll be sending you the medical bills for when I'm doping myself up with drugs later due to my incurable emotional scars." And with that, Chid turned his back to his father and stared sadly out the window at his decimated home.

Princess Millerna, meanwhile, hadn't heard a single word of the entire conversation, as she had been gazing lovingly at Allen's face for several hours now.

"Oooh, Allen," she thought. "You're _so_ hot. I wish you'd just throw me on the ground right here and now and- hey! Why are you looking at Chid like that?" Indeed, Allen's attention was focused on Chid, and not a certain spoiled Austurian Princess. "I mean, sure, he's your kid and all, but I'm _sooo_ much hotter!" She had a sudden flashback of when the Duke had declared that Chid was _his_ son. "Why the hell am I remembering you? You're not hot! Wait, am I the only one who didn't know about Chid being Allen's kid? Dammit, I'm always left out!"

"We're moving out of sight of the castle…" Hitomi commented to herself as the city disappeared behind the mountain range they had just passed over. Nearby, Van was desperately trying to wink the message 'help' to Hitomi with his eyes as Merle clutched him like a pedophile. It only made him look like he was going into an epileptic seizure. The Freid ships flew onward.

-On the Zaibach Floating Fortress-

"Folken…" Emperor Dornkirk's wavering voice filled the small, darkened room as Folken stood at attention, glad his lord was being serious for once. "Apparitions have appeared in my Destiny Prognosti-hoo-hey. Which is bad. I think. You…you know any cable people we can call? They could, you know…maybe, fix it up for me? Eeeh? Where's our Yellow Book?" Okay, scratch that. Dorny was being his usual silly self.

"Sir, they _can't_ fix the Destiny Prognositcator," Folken explained patiently, "_You're_ the one who made it, and the only one who knows how to work it."

"Oh." Dornkirk seemed to have forgotten about that. "Shucks. Well, anyhoo, that thingy we want is flying away from us, traveling to Godeshin…wherever the hell _that_ is."

"So, it's to the west?" Folken asked.

"Uh…I guess." Dornkirk shrugged, unsure. Hell, he couldn't tell right from left. Come to think of it, how did he ever manage to make a contraption that warped people's destinies?

"…Fortona temple…" Folken rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Tuna? I _love_ tuna." Dornkirk smacked his lips in remembrance of the tasty treat.

"For-TONA! Tona, not tuna!"

"Aw, my bad. Hurry up and find it!" Dornkirk huffed. "I want to see it soon! The image of our bright future! …And that girl's hot legs-"

_SMASH_!

"Get outta here!" Folken hollered as he threw the DS at Dornkirk's face which fortunately for him was just a television screen. Only after doing so did he realize he now had nothing to distract him from the torment and agony that was his daily life. "Dammit! Look what he made me do! Fine! We're going to Fortona temple! Everyone move out!"

-At Fortona Temple-

Well, well! Speak of the devil! Duke Freid and the crew had just arrived at the very temple Folken was now heading to! The Temple was indeed impressive, as it was situated in the bottom of a huge crater that was perhaps a volcano (are they friggin' _idiots_? Dante's peak, here!). Inside the huge-ass temple, monks chanted holy hymns while huge, muscled warriors in armor were assembled in a large room to greet the Duke. The Duke himself was sitting on a throne before the grizzled warriors, giving a powerful speech that touched the hearts of all those present.

"This is our final battle," the Duke said, running his eyes over the crowd. "We must protect the ancient, secret treasure of Freid at all costs! With- Johnson?" The speech came to a screeching halt as the Duke glared accusingly at one of the warriors. "Are you chewing _gum_? I can't believe you! You are chewing _gum_ while I am talking! Throw it out! And no dessert for you! Now…" he continued, back on track, "as I was saying, with Fortona as our last bastion, I have traveled here- uh, Willis? Is there something _funny_, son?" The Duke crossed his arms and regarded another of the warriors in the crowd. "'Cause we're all about to _die_ here. Now clam it up, or I'll send you to your room. I am _serious_, mister." He rolled his eyes and went on. "I have traveled here and have come to see you, the Zaygoo clan, for your aide."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief now that the Duke's lengthy declaration was over (but not the last!). One of the warriors, probably their chief, lifted his head and addressed his lord.

"Our clan has lived for this day, Duke Freid. We won't let you down. My Duke, we returned to you this, the treasure sword of Freid, which has been entrusted to us for so long." The man walked up onto the Duke's dais, holding a long sword in a red, jeweled scabbard out to the Duke. Kneeling before him, the warrior made to give the blade to its rightful owner.

"Gee, thanks guys!" The Duke said, beaming. "I- hey! Why's the sword all busted up?! And it smells like _dookie_!"

"Oh, yeah." The warrior flushed in embarrassment. "We used it to unclog the drains and toilets around the temple. It's quite useful for those kinds of things. Sorry."

The Duke snatched up the sword possessively and glared daggers at the man as he returned to his seat. Looking over his shoulder, he caught Chid's attention.

"Now, Chid. I will tell you the duty of those born in Freid's royal house- I SEE YOU HOFFMAN! I have _eyes_ in the back of my _head_! 20/20! Find a _seat_! And take off your hat, you're _inside_!"

"Huh?" Chid made a cutely confused face, not understanding what his papa meant. Standing up from his comfortable seat, Duke Freid glanced at the crew.

"Fanelia. Allen _Coughlosercough_."

"What was that?" Allen asked.

"Nothing. I think I'm coming down with something." The Duke eyed the man wearily. "I would have you witness this as well, you who fight by our side. …_Kinda_."

-A Little While Later, Deep Inside the Temple-

Deep inside the dark, creepy temple, in a place where people rarely tread, large stone doors grated open, light shining forth into a darkened chamber with an eerie stone statue. Duke Freid, Prince Chid, Princess Millerna, Allen, Van, Hitomi, and Merle all walked cautiously into the room, peering around nervously and trying not to pee their pants in fright. The door slammed shut behind them suddenly.

"Eeeek! Hold me, Lord Van!" Merle screeched, throwing herself onto Van.

"Let go of me, girl!" Van tried but failed to pry her off.

"Let's make out, Allen!" Millerna took advantage of the darkness.

"Awgh! Get off! I'm not Allen!" Duke Freid retched, roughly shoving Millerna away.

"You scoundrel! Take your hands off my woman!" Allen raged.

"Who touched my ass?!" Hitomi gasped in indignation.

"ALL OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Everyone's mouth snapped shut as they stared in amazement at the red-faced Prince of Freid. Being the only sensible one of the group, Chid had brought a flashlight to illuminate the darkness and switched it on so everyone could see.

"…Are you done?" Chid asked softly.

"Erhem…good work, son." Duke Freid felt a flash of pride course through him as he pushed Millerna over to Allen.

"This place…" Hitomi thought to herself as she looked around in wonderment. "It's like…I feel a strange power here…" She snapped to attention as the Duke strode past Chid, into the middle of the chamber, and drew the old, rusty treasured sword of Freid. Holding it aloft, he had just started a downward thrust when suddenly-

"Hyaaah!" Indiana Jones tackled the Duke, sending him crashing off to the side. Standing up straight and adjusting his hat, Jones smirked and cracked his whip. "Oh, no you don't! I must find where the Ark of the Covenant is hidden!" He drew forth the pole-thing with the jewel on top that would shine on the resting place of the Ark when the sun hit it, but before he could insert it into the slot… "Now I just need to- GAK!"

Duke Freid stabbed him swiftly with the treasured sword, then kicked Jones's limp body away into the shadows.

"Damn treasure hunters. Now, where was I? Oh, yes." He raised the bloody sword and jabbed it into a small slot in the stone floor, kicking up ancient dust as he did so. Hitomi gasped in surprise as she saw a ghostly image of a winged being appear and drift upward from the old sword before fading away.

"Gotta lay off the pot," she whispered to herself. The jewel on the sword's hilt began glowing a bright pink, and shone onto a nearby wall like a movie projector.

"Oooh! Pretty lights!" Allen said dreamily. Everyone stood waiting expectantly for the feature film to begin.

"Make sure to go and get some good, _buttery_ popcorn before the show!" An annoyingly cheery voice sang as an image of popcorn popped up on the screen. "And while your at it, why not a nice, cold _beverage_ to wash it down? _Yummy_!" The image switched to a soda.

"Oh, crap!" The Duke cursed. "Sorry about this. I forgot about the advertisements. Don't worry, they'll be over in a minute."

-Two Hours Later-

"Gee-awd!" The Duke groaned. "_Finally_! They're done! Everyone, wake up!" He shook the others (and slapped Allen) awake, now that the damned commercials were finally finished. The images of tantalizing treats and beverages had disappeared, and now a strange, scrawling text covered the wall, flickering in the dim light of the chamber. Duke Freid gestured toward it proudly. "The secret treasure of Freid which we've gathered since time immemorial is the power of Atlantis. Its entire strength has been stored here."

"What the _eff_ is Atlantis?" Van whispered to Hitomi, leaning close.

"How would I know?" She whispered back.

"Wow! That's unbelievable!" Allen was trying hard to pretend he understood.

"Huh?" Millerna was putting forth no such effort.

"What's up with you?" Merle had just noticed that Hitomi had a strange look on her face, even stranger than her normal one.

"I can see it…" Hitomi said softly, staring as if hypnotized at the soft pink light.

"See what?" Merle pressed.

"How stupid you are."

_Smack_!

"Is anyone _listening_ to me?" Duke Freid grumbled to himself. "The citizens of Atlantis ruled the land, ruled the sea, and ruled the sky. They also made a totally _bitchin'_ apple pie."

"They grew proud of their power," Hitomi read dreamily, able to decipher the odd text.

"Hey, _I_ was reading, girlie!" The Duke protested.

"…and wished they could become gods themselves," Hitomi continued, ignorant to the Duke and his ramblings. In her minds eye, she could see it. The city of Atlantis.

It was a huge, sprawling metropolis, full of golden, pyramid-like buildings, sparkling water, and airships soaring through the sky. The people of Atlantis were all damn _pretty_, with long lovely locks, dressed in light robes, and had white wings.

"Transforming will into energy, they ruled Atlantis." Now Hitomi saw the Atlantians gathered around a huge, golden spiral monument with a glowing stone at the top, praying with all their hearts.

"However," the Duke cut in rudely, glaring at Hitomi for stealing his thunder. The scene of the peaceful people of Atlantis suddenly changed into a horrible one, filled with fire and much dying. Buildings crumbled among the flames as the city was destroyed in the most horrible way possible. Hitomi, of course, found herself standing amid the destruction, watching it all unfold before her eyes.

"No, no." Hitomi assured. "This is great. I've always wanted to see an entire civilization wiped out violently. I _love_ therapy sessions." As flames engulfed the rest of the image, Hitomi came back to the real world and fell forward in a faint. Merle and Millerna did nothing to try and help, leaving Van to jump forward and catch her before she hit the ground.

"Hitomi, are you allri- oooh! _Soft_!"

"Get your hands off my chest, pervert!"

"Atlantis was totally destroyed by that power," Duke Freid went on to explain, now that Hitomi was out of commission. "The survivors sealed that power here, beneath Fortona, so that it would never be used again. They really should have chosen a better hiding place, like under their beds or something." He looked at his son with a serious expression. "Defending this sword, the key to that seal, is the duty of Freid's Royal House. Chid, you understand?"

"Hee hee. You said doody." Chid giggled.

"Chid, listen to me!" Duke Freid barked. "We can't let the power of Atlantis be used again, capeech? If you're truly my son, you'll understand!"

"Yes! I understand! _You're_ my daddy!" Chid agreed readily, head bobbing up and down. "You! Not Allen! Oh, _please_! Anyone but Allen! _Anyone_!"

-Later-

Outside the Temple of Fortona, a lightening storm was raging, white bolts of electricity crackling across the sky and sheets of rain pouring down. The unfortunate sentries of Freidian Guymelefs and foot soldiers positioned along the walls of the temple grumbled to themselves, knowing they had been foolish to forget their umbrellas.

Inside the temple was another story. Hitomi walked along the quiet corridors until she came to a high-up balcony. Looking down, she saw Van, standing before the Escaflowne on a raised platform, with eyes closed and arms outstretched.

"What is that idiot trying to do _now_?" She muttered to herself as she looked for the stairs to get down.

Van stood in front of the Escaflowne, eyes squeezed shut and brows furrowed in concentration. His outstretched arms made as if to give the melef a hug, but he stayed where he was, not moving or making a sound. It was quiet unnerving for the Escaflowne.

"Er…kid?" It grumbled. "You're…_really_ creepin' me out, here."

"Shhh," Van whispered. "I'm trying to be cool. Quiet." With his eyes closed, Van could almost see the inner workings of the Escaflowne. The churning gears, the turning cogs, the- "Hey! So _that's_ where my car keys went!" The beating of his heart setting a tempo, Van saw himself moving the arms and legs of the Escaflowne, with Hitomi's familiar pink pendant swinging in the backgroud.

"Is something _burning_?" Hitomi asked from behind.

"Aggh…brain…_overheating_…" Van gurgled, having been using far too much of his brain-power at one time. It was a good thing Hitomi had shown up when she did, otherwise he might have fried his brain to a crisp. Looking over his shoulder, he saw his companionable psychic chick staring up at him from the bottom of the stairs. "You just saved my life, _again_. What is it?"

"Allen's been looking for you," Hitomi replied with a shrug.

"_Urrgh_…" Van groaned, a pained expression on his face. Allen. _Oy_.

"And I thought I might find you here," Hitomi continued. "What with the Escaflowne _being_ here and all. I swear, that man couldn't find his own ass unless he was checking it out."

"Tell me about it," Van agreed, coming down the stairs and taking a seat on the last one.

"You don't look so good." Hitomi commented, a little worried.

"Back off, toots!" Van shot back. "You don't look so hot yourself!"

"Hey! Be nice!" Hitomi crossed her arms and glared right back. "What were you doing just now, anyway?"

"I was trying to use that creepy thing you were teaching me before."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah. Sorry for what I did earlier," Van said softly, looking away in shame.

"What, you mean asking me to use my powers for you back at the palace?" Hitomi asked. Van stared blankly at her for several seconds.

"No. I'm the one who touched your butt when the lights went out."

"You _what_?!"

_Smack_!

"Aaaand that other thing too," Van grudgingly admitted, a crimson image of a hand on his cheek. "I guess I didn't stop to consider your feelings when I asked you like that."

"Ya damn right," Hitomi said under her breath.

"What?"

"I said you're forgiven." Hitomi smiled softly. "I was pretty irritable back then."

"Yeah, I know!" Van said readily. "What were you, PMSing or something?"

"You really need to learn when to shut the hell up," Hitomi said dangerously, eyes narrowing. Van gulped.

"Sorry." He shook his head to clear it. "Anyway, I realized I should keep trying to do that thing you showed me, it's called dowsing, isn't it?"

"Wow! You _remembered_!" Hitomi was in awe. "Good job!" She clapped her hands together loudly, making Van blush with pleasure.

"You said I could see the unseen if I concentrate on it, right?" Van went on. "Well, I decided I'm not gonna just use the Escaflowne to run away anymore." Hitomi's smile grew. "From now on, I'm gonna get it to obey my thoughts. I'll be able to run away, like, _ten_ times faster that way!" Aaaaand the smile disappeared. Van looked up at the Esca, not noticing. "Ain't that right, buddy?"

"Go bleep a pony," was the gruff reply.

"That way, I won't _use_ it, I'll _become_ it," Van finished, looking back at Hitomi.

"But, uh…isn't that a little…_dangerous_?" She hinted. Van stood up and slowly walked up to Hitomi. He stopped, staring straight into her eyes, causing her to squirm uncomfortably.

"Hitomi…I don't know if I-" he began.

"Hitomi and Vaaan, sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" The Escaflowne sang.

"Shut up, Escaflowne! I _hate_ you!" Van burst into tears and ran from the room, face beet red.

"Van, wait!" Hitomi called after him half-heartedly. That King sure as hell could run when he wanted to. She rounded on the Escaflowne, outrage clear in her eyes. "How _could_ you? That was mean!"

"But this is even meaner," it replied bluntly. The pink Energist in its chest suddenly exploded with light, scooping up Hitomi into…

Yup! _Vision Tiiiiime_! Woo-hoo!

"Oh, damn you, Escaflowne!" Hitomi howled as she was swept away. "Another friggin' vision! Remind me to kick you in the nuts when this is over!"

Hitomi was transported to a lovely, _lovely_ world. It was so charming and surreal. It was…_magical_!

It was a world made up entirely of blood.

Hitomi made a horrified face as she surveyed the grim landscape. The sky was blood-red, the ground was soaked with blood, and…hey! Why, was that blood raining down from the sky? It was! How _quaint_! Dead, bloody bodies bristling with arrows littered the battlefield, as well as broken down Guymelefs.

"Wow. _Really_ love this blood theme this world's got going on," Hitomi grunted sarcastically. "Oh, wonderful. It's in my hair _and_ my clothes. Joy. Whoa! What's that?"

She was referring to a person, standing a few feet away from her. A tall, mustached warrior in armor looked back over his shoulder at her, body full of arrows, face covered in blood. Have…have I mention the blood yet?

"Cool!" Hitomi gasped. "I must be seeing one of Genghis Kahn's legendary battles!"

"No, you aren't, girlie!" The dying man spat. "It's me, Duke Freid!"

"Oh." Hitomi stared at the man. "_AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHH_!" The poor traumatized psychic girl screamed as the bloody apparition of the Duke sank down into a pool of…gee, I wonder what…BLOOD! Okay, we _get_ it! Enough with the blood already!

Hitomi fell to her knees in shock, finally back in the real world, mind reeling and stomach clenching. She took several deep breaths to calm herself, glad the vision was finally over.

"Red rain…" she murmured. "Thank goodness it was just a vision." She lifted a hand to wipe at her face and froze as she saw red droplets clinging on her hands, a reminder of the vision she'd just escaped from. "I hate my life. I really do." The drops slowly faded away, leaving no trace of blood behind.

Hitomi looked up at her surroundings and smiled sadistically as a familiar sight caught her eye. The Escaflowne sat quietly, sweat dripping down its white armor nervously as Hitomi stared at it like a lion would a piece of meat.

"It's time for the weather forecast…" she said dangerously, slowly standing up and stalking her prey. "…And I predict that there will be a 100 chance of _pain_!"

"Oh, bleep." The Escaflowne whimpered.

-Elsewhere in the Temple-

The rain had finally stopped. Now the sun was just peeking its face through the thick, grey clouds, lighting up the dreary temple and not making it seem so damn depressing. Allen Schezar scowled as he watched the sun appear. Damn! This was _not_ good. No rain meant no bad weather. No bad weather meant no staying inside. No staying inside meant…having to go out and…_fight_. Damn, damn, damn! He was so screwed.

Allen sighed in resignation and turned from the window. He almost crapped himself when he spotted a small figure staring at him in the hallway.

"Eeeek! An evil little troll!" Allen squealed before he recognized the person. "Oh, uh, no. It's just Chid! Don't scare me like that, sonny! Er, uh, I mean, child o' mine - no, wait! I meant, uh, fruit of my loins- NO!" He noticed Chid still looking at him with a strange expression and began sweating profusely. "Uh, why are you staring at me like that? It's…not like I'm your _father_ or anything! No sirree!" He smiled cheesily.

"Oh, forget it." Chid rolled his eyes and shook his head, walking past Allen to the other end of the hall.

"Alright! See you later, son! DAMMIT!"

-Outside the Temple of Fortona-

A thick fog hung in the air outside the temple, obscuring the vision of all and muffling any sound. Zaibach troops waited on the cliffs surrounding the temple, watching and waiting for the most opportune moment to attack. One foot soldier had binoculars and was rather enjoying it.

"Oh, yeah baby. Take it off. No, no. Not so fast, sweetie," the soldier whispered.

"Dude!" A nearby soldier elbowed him in the gut and snatched the binoculars away. "We're supposed to be lookin' for the enemy! Not watching some babe undress!" The soldier lifted the sight instrument to his eyes and peered in. "Eugh! That's a _man_! What the _eff_?"

"_Jealous_?" The other taunted, proud of his sexual orientation.

"That's it! Everyone, ATTACK!"

-Aaaand Back Inside the Temple-

Hitomi gasped aloud as she saw her pendant swing forth in her mind, and immediately knew that something was going down.

"_Finland_!" She cried out in surprise.

"What, Hitomi?" Millerna asked, raising one prim eyebrow. The two were in the main lobby of the temple, sitting and waiting with the others for news of the conditions outside.

"The battle! The battle's begun!" Hitomi said, her mind back to normal (as normal as psychic can be, anyway).

"Oh, there she goes again," Millerna sniffed, turning away. "Trying to get all the attention again!"

"Sarge! They're coming!" Reeden barged into the room, hollering his lungs out with a wild look on his face. "The Zaibach bastards are on the move!"

Gaddess looked up from where he stood with the rest of the crew and began taking charge.

"Okay. If the enemy breaches the third line, prep the Crusade. We'll defend the temple to the death! …Or at least until we start getting our asses beat and are forced to make a hasty retreat on our nifty lil' airship!"

"Yes, sir!" Everyone cheered.

-Elsewhere in the Temple-

"God?" Merle asked. "You're God, right?" She was talking to a large, stone statue of a person in robes, holding a staff. Merle swished her tail and gazed up at the immaculate face of the holy statue. "I beg you, please protect Lord Van! Protect him so he'll come back safe from the battle. Pleeeeease! Oh, and please, _please_ let the whore Hitomi die in some horrible accident or something, in which she will suffer tremendously before actually dieing, because I can't _stand_ her hanging around my man all the time! I mean, she just comes _waltzing_ right in here, from _who_ knows where, and she's _all_ over-"

"Oh, _God_…" the statue thought to itself in agony. "She's _so_ damn annoying. Who the hell let her in here? Someone get her outta here before I _lose_ it…"

-Once Again, Outside the Palace-

Incomiiing! Blue Zaibach Guymelef units were sliding down the steep slope of the volcanic crater to get to the temple of Fortona. Too bad for them some of the melef pilots were idiots.

"Wheee! Look ma, no hands!" One squealed. "Watch me do a 360!"

_Trip!_

_Crash!_

"Quit makin' us look bad!"

"Here they come!" A Freidian soldier hollered. Black Freidian Guymelefs readied themselves, as did the Escaflowne, Scherazade ("It's Sherry!"), oh, alright, _Sherry_, and the Duke of Freid, who was in a chunky yellow melef. Once the enemy units made it to the base of the crater, the fight was on.

Bam! Smash! Guymelefs beat each other down while foot soldiers ran around trying not to get squashed in the chaos. Arrows rained down from crossbows, deadly black needles that seemed to shoot from nowhere. Crima Claws shot across gaps and dismembered their foes, while the sounds of swords hitting rang across the battlefield.

Van actually managed to keep himself together, and instead stabbed a nearby enemy and shoved him away. In the background, Allen ran away from several enemy melefs, squawking like a bird.

"Eeeek! They're gonna fling animal poo at me! And I just washed this damn thing! Get awaaaay!" The enemy melefs laughed cruelly, pushing Allen over the edge. He ground to a stop and whirled to face his foes. "Oh, so you think that's _funny_, do you? No one threatens to dirty my precious Sherry! Prepare to die!" He then unleashed such a tremendous amount of kick-ass on the unfortunate enemies that Van stood staring, mouth agape and making a mental note to never, ever touch Allen's melef again.

"Thank God he never found out about the time I _peed_ on it…" he mumbled to himself. Allen, now having defeated his attackers, looked over his shoulder to assess the situation.

"Crap! They've broken through!" Indeed, they had. More Freidian soldiers were picked off by the bigger, stronger, more numerous Zaibach forces. Duke Freid still fought valiantly, picking up and slamming an enemy melef against the steep rock face.

"That's for calling me Genghis Kahn!" He snarled. "I'm the Duke of Freid! Say it with me now! Duke! Of! Freid! _Repetez_!" He shook the other melef savagely.

"D-D-Duke…" the man piloting stuttered. "Of…of…"

"Say it!"

"…Kahn!"

"You son of a bitch! That _does_ it!" He picked up the melef over his head and threw him a good forty feet. A referee jumped out of nowhere and blew his whistle.

"Touchdown!"

"_Duke Freid_!" Dilandau howled, rushing toward the Duke in his red Oreades and trampling the strange referee before he could give Dilly a yellow flag.

"Finally! Someone who calls me by my name!" Duke Freid grit his teeth and turned to face his newest challenger. Dilandau continued to charge toward him, smashing others out of his way and hollering all the while.

"Yaaaaah! Outta my way, losers!" He laughed. "I'm jacked up on Zoloft and high as a kite!"

"How many did you take?!" Folken demanded from over the radio.

"Four…five…fifty…" Dilandau admitted with an innocent look.

"You took _FIFTY_?!" Folken yelled before his subordinate got sick of him and switched the radio off just as he reached the Duke. A seasoned fighter (not unlike a certain famous Mongol warrior), the Duke of Freid was able to block Dilandau's first strike, but wasn't quick enough to dodge the second. Dilandau's metal sword slid deep into the yellow melef's right shoulder.

"Gaaah!" The Duke spluttered in pain. "Damn…punk kids! Turn down…your stupid rock music…and pull up…your _pants_!" Dilandau jerked his sword up, severing the Duke's melef arm from its body.

"Need a hand?" The pretty-boy jibed.

"Oh, that was so LAME!" The Duke howled, more in pain over the corny joke than his missing melef arm.

"Shut up!" Dilandau hissed. "Now you lose the other one!" He stabbed into the other shoulder, disabling it, then shot an incoming melef that was rushing over toward the Duke.

"Sir, here's that coffee you want- AWGH!"

"NO! Not the _coffee_!" The Duke watched in horror as the jug of wonderful joe fell in slow motion from the intern's melef hands and shattered as it hit the ground. "NOOOOO! You have no _soul_!" Dilandau ignored this, as he'd heard it several times before, and instead jabbed a Crima Claw into the visor of the Duke's melef, breaking it open and revealing the Duke's shocked face.

"Whoa! You look like Genghis Kahn! Die, Mongol!" Dilandau drew back an arm to strike the finishing blow and lunged forward. Too bad it was blocked by Allen effing Schezar. "Gawd, not you _again_, Allen!"

"Damn right it's me! I know you love it!" He blew Dilandau a kiss, who began dry-heaving violently in disgust. "Duke Freid, I'll handle this! Get clear!"

"Look, a split end!" Dilandau cried.

"What? Where?" Allen began searching through his millions of hairs to find the culprit.

"Gotcha!" Dilandau shot out a Crima Claw and ripped off Sherry's left arm.

"You _bastard_!" Allen was furious, more at himself for being fooled than at Dilandau for knowing his weakness. "That was a dirty trick! And what's with you and arms in this episode?" He was barely able to block Dilly's next attack. As the two began grappling, Duke Freid stood up from the shattered remains of his royal Guymelef, red liquid dripping from his face.

"Never shoulda tried to eat French Fries in there," he grumbled to himself.

"Duke!" One of the Zaygoo warriors popped up next to his liege. "Please, fall back to the temple!"

"Don't worry," the Duke said softly, not paying attention to the man.

"What?"

"It's all clear to me now, the Gods want the power of Atlantis revived!" The Duke's eyes shone.

"Sir? Did you…hit your head or something?" The warrior asked, confused.

"They want Gaea to undergo that trial." The Duke thought back to ancient Atlantis and how it had been obliterated. "They shall have it, then! I will give Zaibach that power. And I hope it bites them in the ass! The power of Atlantis is the power of human will. Atlantis may have been overly screwed by that power, but maybe Gaea won't be so retarded." He lifted his head up and gazed up at the sky and continued his speech. "We shall now march forward to our own destiny. And our children shall lead the way for that bright future. Hear this…"

"Oh, we are," the muscled warrior muttered to himself, not wanting to sit around and hear the Duke talk so much.

"Quiet!" Duke Freid gave the man a savage kick. "I entrust everything to that future. I alone shall shoulder the burden of the past. I will die with it. Look after Chid."

"Do I _have_ to?" The warrior complained, wanting to look after the brat even less than listen to the monologue.

"Yes, you do!" The Duke ordered. "His bedtime is 8:00, and no more than thirty minutes of video games a day! And make sure he eats his vegetables! I place the future in his hands. His path will be difficult, and he probably _will_ go crazy about halfway through, but I know he'll make it, because he's _my_ son, and not Allen's!" The Zaygoo warrior lowered his head in respect.

"Yaaah!" Dilandau knocked Allen's sword arm back, right into the path of an oncoming Crima Claw from a nearby Dragonslayer. The result? Allen's got no arms! Hah!

"Nooo! My precious Sherry!" Allen sobbed, hugging and kissing his melef (from the inside, anyway). He gasped as Dilandau lifted his arm to cleave him in two when-

_Krang_!

Oh, snap! It's the Escaflowne, come to save Allen's ass!

"Oooh, what's this, Allen?" Van taunted, blocking Dilandau's strike with his sword. "Too much for ya? Well then step aside, blondie, and let a _real_ man take care of this!" He turned to fight Dilly and his Dragonslayers.

_Whap!_

_Smash!_

_Ass-kick_!

"Owwie! They hit me!" Van came crawling back, covering in bruises and bleeding internally.

"What was that about being a real man?" Allen asked.

"Shut up! You got your ass kicked, too! And what are you still doing here? Go protect the Duke!" Van made shooing motions at the Knight.

"No way!" Allen refused. "That'll only put me in even more danger! Plus, both my arms are gone! What am I supposed to do? _Kick_ 'em to death?"

"If that's what it takes!" Van hollered, throwing himself at Dilandau for another go.

"Kid! To the left!" The Escaflowne warned. Van wheeled around and chopped off the arm of an enemy melef, but got nicked by several incoming Crima Claws. Where the claws hit the Escaflowne, wounds popped up on Van's body. Coincidence? I think not!

"Ow! Bleep! I'm bleeding! That hurts! What the hell is that from?" Van yelped.

Allen hopped out of his decimated Sherry, desperately searching for Duke Freid so he could grab and haul him back to the temple where it was safe(r). He was nowhere in sight.

"Duuuuke? Duke Freid?" He called out, looking to and fro. "Where are you, Duke Freeeid? Oh, wait. I've got an idea." He took a deep breath. "GENGHIS KAAAAAAHN!"

"It's Duke Freid, dammit!" A distant voice answered back.

"Found him!" Allen sang. "There he is!" He saw the Duke on a small mound, surrounded by carnage and drawing his royal sword, which he then held up to the sky dramatically.

"I am the heart of Freid!" The Duke declared loudly, for all to hear. "If it's glory you want, face me! That's right! I'm the Duke of Freid!" Silence was his answer as no-one moved. Someone coughed in the stillness and crickets could be heard chirping. "I'm…come on! The Duke of Freid! Kill me!" The Duke rolled his eyes and sighed. "Okay, okay. FINE. I am Genghis Kahn, the Mongol warrior!"

"WHOOOO!" The entire Zaibach army screamed in earnest. "Kill the Mongol! He's mine! Move! I'm killing him first!"

As the Duke looked over his shoulder and spotted Allen, he jerked in surprise as dozens of arrows suddenly jabbed into his vulnerable body from all directions. He began falling backwards, slowly.

"Noooo!" Allen cried in dismay. "Genghis Kaaaahn!"

"It's…Duke…FREID!" The Duke hissed out, mind going numb and sight darkening. He suddenly had a flashback of his beloved wife, Marlene, in the sick bed of the castle right before she passed away.

"Hey, hubby," Marlene cooed, still looking gorgeous even though she was apparently dieing. "I'm sorry for callin' it quits like this. Aaaand for havin' a kid that _so_ wasn't yours. I…really wanted to be with you longer." She looked away for an instant. "How about that, I really do. Ain't that just the sweetest thing?" She turned back. "I really couldn't help it, but I think I actually fell in love with you, my Lord. I love ya! Gimme a smooch!"

The image of his wife faded away, and the Duke's heart felt lighter.

"Marlene…" he whispered with his dying breath. "You're so damn _hot_…" He hit the ground, dead.

"Oh, bleep!" Allen tried to scramble up the slope to the still body of the Duke but was stopped by one of the Zaygoo warriors, who seized him around the waist.

"Wait, Allen!"

"What're you doing?" Allen gasped out. "Let go! You're wrinkling my tunic, and I just had it _ironed_!" The warrior lifted his head and met Allen's gaze somberly.

"Listen, our fight is over. It was the Duke's decision! You've got to understand, My Lord! Please! Pl…er…my Lord?" The warrior blinked in confusion as Allen shot off like a rocket toward the temple, a plume of dust in his wake.

"Hooray! The battle's over! What're you waiting for, man?" He yelled back over his shoulder. "Hop to it! Let's get outta here! Mooooove!"

Elsewhere on the battlefield, Van had finally uncorked his bottle of coolness and was using it in full swing. He took down enemy after enemy, head buzzing and adrenaline rushing.

"Hoo-daaaah!" Another enemy went down. "How'd ya like that? I'm like a knight from the middle ages! Sir Galla-bad-_ass_!" Dilandau watched the display, very intimidated (and scared).

"Man, what the hell happened to him?" He wondered to himself. "How did he get so friggin' cool all of a sudden?"

"Dilandau." Folken's voice crackled over the radio. "The Dragslayers are to fall back. Duke Freid is dead. This battle is over. Your job can wait. Just…before you go, flip off my stupid brother for me, would you?"

"Oh, fine." Dilandau flipped the bird the Van's backside and activated his Stealth Cloak, fading out of sight and creeping from the berserk boy with due haste. His loyal subordinates did likewise (include the flipping offage).

"Hey, where ya going?" Van jeered as all his opponents vanished. "Don't ya want tickets to the _show_? The _guuuun_ show?" He tensed his arm to show his spindly muscles. "Yeah, I'm so ripped."

-On One of the Floating Jellyfish-

The familiar young soldier glanced over his shoulder at Folken and began reporting.

"Sir, the Dragonslayers are returning."

"Good." Folken nodded, happy his day was going so well. "Send a message to General Adelphos. 'In the name of Emperor Dornkirk, we will now enter peace negotiations.' …And tell him I know he was the one who took a dump under my desk. It was _not_ funny, it was _nasty_, and I swear on everything that is holy and sacred to man that when I'm through with him, the police won't even be able to find his _shadow_. That will be all."

"Yes, sir," the soldier said, gulping.

-Inside the Temple of Fortona-

Prince Chid, or should I now say Chid, new _Duke_ of Freid, stood conversing with one of the Zaygoo warriors while Hitomi, Princess Millerna, and Gaddess watched.

"Well done, Kaya," Chid was saying. "I suppose I'll obey father's last request. If I have to. I guess."

"Highness!" Gaddess butted in, fire burning in his eyes. "We still have some fight left in us! We can still beat them!"

"Thanks, Gaddess," Chid said warmly, smiling at him. "I'll never forget the friendship you've shown me. But this decision is something my daddy gave his life for. I will endure this ordeal and rebuild Freid."

"Wow. You're strong," Hitomi complimented, in awe of Chid and his iron will.

"Yeah, I just figured it was the _opposite_ of what Allen would do," Chid replied with a shrug.

"Ahahaha! Good one!" Hitomi chuckled while Millerna scowled as she tried to figure out if it was a compliment or an insult to her love interest.

"I won't cry anymore," Chid said firmly. "I'm Freid's ruler now! I got to…grow up. I've…got…too…_sniffle_…_waaaaaah_!"

"That's right, let it out," Gaddess said soothingly, patting the wailing boy's back. "That's what I do so I can keep myself from screaming."

-Later, Outside the Temple of Fortona-

Folken hissed as the light from the sun hit his pale flesh. Damn sun and its damn…sun-lightyness. Whatever. Folken picked up his flowing purple robes (this elicited several muffled giggles from the crowd of Zaibach soldiers holding banners but were quickly quieted with a vicious glare from their superior) and walked down the stairs of the Floating Fortress to the blood-stained ground in front of the temple of Fortona. Chid and his homies stood there, awaiting his arrival so they could begin the peace negotiations. Folken took a deep breath to ready himself and strode up to the small child. Surely he couldn't be more difficult to deal with than Dilandau. Or Dornkirk. This would be a piece of cake. He could do this.

"Are you a Vampire?"

Oh, _God_. He was gonna kill this kid here and now in front of everyone.

"Because I _like_ Vampires!"

Or not.

"Really?" Folken inquired, eyes alight with interest and sudden affection. He kneeled down in front of Chid so the two could see eye-to-eye. "We can discuss that later. For now, we have to talk about serious, important stuff."

"Boooring…" Chid whined.

"I know," Folken pressed. "Just bear with me." Chid sighed but nodded. "Alright. Now, first of all, sorry about your daddy being dead and all. That…was an accident. We thought he was Genghis Kahn."

"Lord Folken?" Chid interrupted. "You will promise to keep your word, won't you?"

"I really don't think-" Folken began before becoming hypnotized by Chid's puppy-eyes attack. "Er…okay, fine! Just give us a 'token of friendship', and we won't interfere with the Crusade as it leaves."

"Okay!" Chid smiled brightly, and dug around in his pocket. "Here's a Barney sticker!"

"That's not what I meant by 'token of friendship', you fool!"

"Oh." Chid leaned away slightly. "Are you asking for drugs? Because crack is whack!"

"I meant the _sword_! Give us the treasured sword of Freid!" Folken growled.

"Well why didn't you just say so? Nnngh. _Heavy_…" Chid held aloft the weighty, slotted sword and began speaking loudly and grandly, like father like son. The sword wobbled precariously, Chid's little arms barely able to hold it up. "The ruler of Freid, Chid Zar Freid, now entrusts the Sacred Seal Sword unto the Zaibach empire, as a sign of our friendship!" Here his arms gave way and the sword bonked Folken on the head with a loud _konk_!, ending his good day and giving him a concussion.

-On the Crusade-

Allen stared back at the Temple of Fortona as his beloved airship puttered through the sky and away from his son. And that hot serving-lady who'd caught Allen's eye. What was her name again? Lafawnduh? Shaniqua?

"Bad news, Boss!" Reeden cried, slamming the door to the command deck open.

"Oh God, they're after us! _Save_ me!" Allen screamed hysterically and clutched at Gaddess, who happened to be closest.

"No! That stupid brat-King won't get outta the Escaflowne!" Reeden corrected.

"Oh." Allen released Gaddess from his death grip and gently fixed his rumpled shirt. "Sorry 'bout that."

"It hasn't moved since he brought it into the hangar!" Reeden went on to explain. "There's no sign of life!"

In the hangar, Merle looked up anxiously at the Escaflowne, who kneeled, still as a statue.

"Lord Vaaaan!" She screeched in a yowl. "Come out! Lord Vaaaaan!" Blood dripped from the slots of the melef's visor…or ketchup.

"Geez," the Escaflowne whispered to itself. "I don't blame him for not wanting to get out."

-Episode 13 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Whoo! That was fun. First Gong-man, now Duke Freid! It's not _fair_! sniffle. Anyway, the next chapter might not come out for a while (like a friggin' month), as I have a test coming up and need to start writing a short-story for my English class. My sincerest apologies! See ya! Review, please!


	14. Episode 14: Dangerously Stupid Wounds

Author's Note: Wooh! It's been a while, huh? Sorry 'bout that. But I finished my video game (Twilight Princess, bitch!) that took me more than 50 hours! It was awesome! Oh, yeah and there was school crap with lots of tests. You can tell which one I care about more, eh? Hahaha, just kidding. Okay, yeah, back to the fic. There might be another delay cause of crappy school (more upcoming tests, damn you midterms) but I'll see what I can do. Here I go! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 14

Dangerously Stupid Wounds

Recap: Freid gets its ass kicked by Zaibach, who barge in and have a U2 concert- wait, no! That's not it! Borus is cheated into staying behind and distracting the enemy with his horrible singing whilst the Duke of Freid and others escape in the ensuing chaos. Dornkirk makes another appearance and annoys Folken some more before he (Folken, not Dornkirk, he's an idiot) realizes the heroes are heading toward Fortona Temple, which indeed they are. There, Duke Freid has an audience with some rather immature warriors, and is given a special sword-thingy. He then takes the heroes and gives them a little history lesson about the people of Atlantis and how they royally screwed themselves. Van and Hitomi have a moment, which is ruined by the Escaflowne, and Zaibach arrives to crash the party so everyone gets ready to open a can of whup-ass. Freid starts losing big time, with Duke Freid being attacked by Dilly and Allen needed Van to save his ass. Duke Freid has yet another long speech before he declares himself to be Genghis Kahn and then gets killed. Aww…no, not my favorite Mongol…so! Chid is forced to give Folken the special sword-thingy and Allen and co run for their measly little lives. Problem is, Van won't get out of the Escaflowne. And who can blame him, with Merle lying in wait out there?

"Lord Vaaaan! Please, come out!" Merle mewled pathetically, running to and fro in panic before the still-kneeling, still-bleeding Escaflowne in the hangar of the Crusade. Van was still refusing to budge and Merle was approaching hysterics. "Lord Vaaaaan! Pleeeeease!"

"Shut up, brat!" The Escaflowne snapped grumpily. "You're not making it any better!"

"If you don't come out right now, Lord Van," Merle threatened, ears folding back aggressively, "I'll scream! Really, really loud! How does being deaf sound to you? It doesn't sound like anything, 'cause you'll be _deaf_, that's why! You hear me? Wait, you don't, 'cause you'll be _deaf_!" She paused and waited for a response. There was none. "Fine! Here I go! Uuuuuuhhnn…"

"Oh, no you don't, missy!" Allen rushed into the hangar and clapped a hand securely over Merle's mouth as she was preparing for her diabolical scream. He shoved her off to the side and faced the scratched-up Escaflowne. "_I'll_ be the hero now! It's my turn! _Mine_!" He looked up at the visor/face of the Escaflowne, where red liquid was dripping forth. "The fool…trying to eat french-fries in there…"

"Uh, I think that's _blood_," Hitomi pointed out as she and the others arrived at the scene.

"Nonsense!" Allen tossed his head and waved her away. "Here, I'll prove it!" He strode up to the growing puddle at Esca's feet, swiped a big red glob of the stuff onto his finger, and popped it in his mouth. His smug expression quickly transformed into a horrified and sickened one.

"I TOLD you," Hitomi sighed.

"I think I just got AIDs," Allen whispered, face pinched with disgust. "_Again_."

"Eww. I'm not touching that one with a ten-foot pole." Hitomi pushed Allen out of the way so she could stand in front of the stubborn Guymelef. "Okay! My turn! Let a real heroine handle this!" She cleared her throat. "Vaaaan! Van, can you hear me? Snap out of it! It's either me or Allen, so make a choice!"

"Urgh…" Inside the darkened confines of the Escaflowne, Van twitched.

"Vaaan!" Hitomi said warningly. The pink Energist in Esca's chest suddenly began glowing brightly. "Hey! I wasn't _talking_ to you, pinky!"

The front hatch of the Escaflowne ground open, and Van was ejected from his seat with a puff of smoke and landed on a soft object, which was Hitomi.

"Ew! Ew! Blood, all over me!" Hitomi gagged and roughly shoved Van's unconscious, bloody body off of her. "Oh, wait. You're all hurt. Oops. Sorry 'bout that. You okay?" She kneeled over the Fanelian King as Merle slithered up alongside. "Allen, please!" Hitomi turned pleading eyes toward the Knight.

"Alright." Allen nodded somberly and turned to his crewmembers. "Well, _he's_ dead! Come on, men, let's kick his dead body out the bay doors!"

"_Allen_!"

"Oh, fine," Allen huffed. "Taeo, go get some help. …Wait a second, you're Reeden! Why the hell am I calling you Taeo?"

"Eh. English dub." Reeden shrugged and ran out the door.

"Friggin' cheap bastards," Allen mumbled to himself. He turned back around and looked up at the Escaflowne. "Only the armor was damaged. He's probably just doing this for attention. The little swine! Why didn't _I_ think of it?"

"Van, don't try to _move_, dumb-ass!" Hitomi barked. Van was indeed being a dumb-ass and standing up despite his injuries. Way to kill yourself, Van.

"Don't…tell me…what to…do!" Van gurgled, staggering his bloody way to the open hatch doors to stare out at the horizon. In the distance, the volcano housing the Temple of Fortona could be seen, and hundreds of Zaibach Floating Jellyfish…_floated_ around it in the setting sun. "I wish I had my camera," Van thought to himself while admiring the scenery. Aloud, he said, "I can…still fight! Bring it on! I can…take 'em!" Strange protrusions began jutting from his back, tugging at his shirt and trying to get out.

"Eeek! Van, you have one of those Alien things inside of you!" Hitomi shrieked.

"Lord Van, please don't!" Merle squealed in desperation.

Van cried aloud as his beautiful white wings burst forth from his back, tearing his shirt to shreds dramatically and spreading wide. Pretty violin music played while white feathers from his wings were scattered with the wind.

"Wow! He's got wings!" Millerna gasped.

"We can _see_ that," a crewmember growled.

"They're so pretty! I want some!" The spoiled Princess demanded.

"Shut up already!"

"No!" Allen's eyes widened in horror at the sight of Van and his wings. "He's…_prettier_ than me! Curses!"

"He's a Draconian!" Gaddess blurted out, being contractually obligated to stick to the script and state the important facts that were needed for the premise of the show.

"Aw, man…" Van thought to himself, "now my L.L. Bean shirt is _ruined_. And it was so expensive, too. But at least I looked so…effing…_cool_!" He staggered back, his strength leaving him, and collapsed. The Escaflowne watched with amusement.

"Sooooo lame."

-Later-

Later that night, the Crusade kept a steady course while the passengers were busy with their foolish little King. Van lay on a small cot, swathed with a multitude of bandages that he was quickly bleeding through. _Gross_…

"I think I'm gonna be sick…" Hitomi mumbled, trying not to look at Van and the mess.

"Me too…" Merle whimpered. "This has gotta be one of the bloodiest scenes yet…"

"Yeah, that _you've_ seen!" Hitomi snorted back. "You haven't seen _half_ of my visions, sweetheart! Lemme tell ya, I've seen a lot worse!" Hitomi looked up. Her, Millerna, and Merle were crowded around the wounded King, while all the men (including Allen) were pressed up against the opposite wall, as far away from them as possible. "What's with _you_ guys?"

"…We don't want AIDs." A crewmember responded bluntly.

"For goodness sakes, Van does _not_ have AIDs!" Hitomi exploded, standing up. She paused and looked at Merle. "…Does he?"

"I can't believe how much blood he has…" Oruto whispered.

"Or that he's a Draconian," Gaddess piped up, keeping the story going.

"Oh, yeah. That too."

Allen sat at a nearby table, resting his head in his hand and brooding. If it could be called that.

"Oooh. Yes," he cooed to himself. "I look so devilishly sexy in the candle-light. Ow!" He glared at Gaddess, who had poked his shoulder and leaned close. "What? My lines? Oh." He turned back. "Why now? Why is everything around me making me think of…_him_?"

"Allen, you're thinking aloud again." Gaddess stated.

"Dammit!"

Over at the cot, Millerna was holding Van's foot by his big toe with her thumb and forefinger, not wanting to touch the bloody King, disgust clear on her face.

"His pulse is erratic," she said. "If we don't help him now, he won't make it!"

"…You can tell that from his _toe_?" Hitomi asked sarcastically. Millerna blinked at her several times, mind searching for an intelligent and witty rebuttal.

"_Yes_."

Damn.

"You check a person's pulse through their wrist!" Hitomi nearly shouted.

"I knew that!" Millerna dropped Van's foot and seized hold of his ear.

"…Forget it." Hitomi shook her head. "Putting stupid Princess's aside, we have to help Van!"

"That's right!" Merle agreed. "Or else I can't have his babies!"

"His _what_?" Hitomi and Millerna stared at her.

"Look," Merle quickly changed the subject, "you're a healer person, right? So make with the healing already, ho!"

"Calm down, kitty-kat!" Millerna shot back primly. "Even genius me is at a loss as to what to do! Van's wounds aren't normal! It's as if they were made from the inside. They won't close, no matter how much salt or citrus I put on them!"

"Okay, remind us to never let you doctor anyone _ever_ again," Hitomi said. "Not unless we want them killed."

"What could have caused them?" Millerna asked no-one in particular.

"Damned if I know," No-one In Particular answered.

"Who are you?" Hitomi demanded. "How did you get on the ship? Get lost!" After a few kicks to the groin and an elbow in the face, No-one In Particular got the point and left quickly. Hitomi sat back down and thought it over. Suddenly, she knew. "Oh! The Escaflowne!"

Hitomi jumped up again and hurried out of the room. This did not go unnoticed by Allen, who was still sitting in his 'sexy pose' at the table.

"Hmm? I sense a disturbance in the force…" Allen raised his head and peered around the room. "A female presence has left the room. Where'd Hitomi go?"

Hitomi ran through the hallways of the Crusade to the hangar, where she confronted the Escaflowne sitting in his chair-dock thingy. One look was all it took.

"You!" She cried, kicking him savagely in the ankle.

"Ow!" The melef hissed in pain.

"You jerk! What did you do?"

"I didn't do squat, toots!"

"Oh, yeah?" Hitomi glared balefully up at the white melef. "Then tell me. Why do all of _Van's_ wounds match _yours_?"

"Uh…coincidence?" The Escaflowne tried.

"Wrong answer!" Another kick.

"Owwie! Damn, girl! Enough!"

"Wait just one minute…" Hitomi stopped her assault, remembering in the Temple of Fortona when Van had stood before the Escaflowne, trying to 'bond' with it using her creepy powers as guidelines. "That clueless idiot!"

"You called?" Allen asked, popping up behind Hitomi and startling her. "What's up, candy-pants?"

"I think I understand." Hitomi gestured toward the Esca. "Van…feels them."

"Feels what?" Allen inquired. "Your boobies? 'Cause if so then I-"

"Don't you see?" Hitomi interrupted him. "Van merged with the Escaflowne! So if we don't fix the Escaflowne now, he'll…he'll…" Hitomi sniffled, not able to finish.

"Die?" Allen asked hopefully.

"What do you sound so happy for?" Hitomi hollered, beating at Allen's chest in frustration. It had quite the opposite effect she'd hoped for.

"Oh yeah, baby. Play me like a drum."

"Commander!" Gaddess barged into the room as Hitomi quickly stepped away from the horny Knight.

"You ruin _everything_, Gaddess!" Allen growled, not at all happy. "What is it now?"

"Sir, we've spotted an Austurian convoy!"

-In the Austurian Convoy-

On one of the ships of the approaching Austurian convoy, fish swam in a voluminous water tank built into one of the walls of a dimly-lit room. Inside, a beautiful mermaid with long green hair and a blue fin was pressing her lips against the glass, 'kissing' a young man through it. The young man had long, brown hair and was seriously bishounen. Oy. Not _another_ one. He pulled away from the kiss and smirked at the mermaid.

"Damn, I wish you had a vagina." He sighed and sat back against the couch he was on. "You have to go back to your sea-home, soon. Time to say good-bye, Silvie."

The mermaid obviously didn't care for the man's tone and squished her face against the glass, blowing out her cheeks rudely while crossing her eyes.

"Quit makin' faces like that! It's not funny!" The young man scowled and shook his head. "Mermaids belong in the sea, okay? Plus, I can't really get freaky with you unless I wanna drown, so it's time for you to get the bleep outta here. And don't get caught again! You're not Ariel!"

This time the mermaid stuck her tongue out at his comment. The young man stood up, pointedly ignoring her.

"You might not be so lucky to be caught by a young, handsome millionaire like myself the second time around. But, if you do get caught again, tell them you're a friend of Dryden of Austuria." He grinned mischievously. "That'll jack up your sellin' price for sure! Ha ha!" He strutted out of the room while the mermaid flipped him the bird and shook her tail fin at his departing form.

-A Few Minutes Later-

In a big, expensive-looking room filled with lamps and crappy-ass pictures mounted on the wall, Dryden, now with his hair in a ponytail and wearing a scarf, lounged against the railing of some stairs while his assistant railed on him.

"You paid a pretty penny for that mermaid, young master!" The man sputtered, in a panic. He looked like the moleman's _brother_, as he wore a purple robe with a fez cap, had big, round ears like a mouse and buck teeth. Not to mention he stank like beer and loneliness. "And now you're going to just throw her back?!"

"Of course." Dryden shrugged. "There's plenty of other fish in the sea." He grinned cheesily and winked at the camera. Excuse me while I try not to vomit. Dryden's attendant wasn't so lucky.

"Your father's going to kill me, you know." The assistant wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve and glared at Dryden, who strode past him without a second thought.

"Aaaaand I should care because…?" Dryden pulled out a pair of darkened sunglasses and slid them on. "I am one smooooth customer. Plus, beautiful things belong in a natural environment. Like my pants. Eh?"

Gazing out the window, Dryden caught sight of a certain air-ship docked in the hangar of his own much larger vessel.

"That fluorescent painting, those girly sails…that's the Crusade!"

"Yes!" The attendant's head bobbed up and down as he shuffled over. "They wish to see you!"

"Gang way!" A feminine, snotty voice resounded from behind the closed doors leading into the hallway. "Princess, coming through! Let me in, you uncivilized slobs! And tuck in your shirts!"

_Bang_!

The doors burst open, revealing a very peeved Princess Millerna, who came storming in as if she owned the place. She stopped when she caught sight of Dryden and paused.

"Oh! Uh, you're Dryden, right?" She adjusted her blouse nervously. Dryden was too busy eye-raping and admiring her womanly figure to respond, at least for several seconds.

"Do _you_ have a vagina?"

"_What_?!" Millerna gaped in shock and wasn't sure whether to answer or not. Thankfully Dryden's assistant stepped in before things got out of hand.

"This is the beautiful and annoying Millerna, third Princess of Austuria." He explained.

"She's a Princess, _too_?" Drden asked before throwing his arms up in jubilation. "Hot dog! I've hit the jackpot, baby!"

-Meanwhile, On the Crusade-

Hitomi stood next to Allen in the cockpit of the Crusade, gazing out the window and having an intelligent conversation with him for once.

"What? He's Millerna's fiancée?" Hitomi shuddered in horror. "The poor soul!"

"Yes." Allen nodded. "He's the son of Meiden (not Midley! I screwed his name up, okay? I'm sorry! _Runs away sobbing_ ), the man who tried to kidnap you."

"Oh, yeah." Hitomi remembered way back when those freaky gekko-people had abducted and then sickened her with their idiocy. It had been a rather traumatizing experience. Now, with Allen, she was quite used to it. "Hey, wait. Isn't someone like that a little…dangerous? Why are we asking _him_ for help?"

"Sure, he's dangerous." Allen shrugged. "But if we suck up to him enough, we might be able to save Van. If we have to. I guess."

"And get rid of Millerna in the process! Sweetness!" Hitomi cheered and did a little dance. Allen watched with glee.

-Back With Millerna and Dryden-

Princess Millerna shifted around on the wooden chair she was waiting on, gazing around the small study room. It was quite dark, as only a single lamp illuminated the room, and it was littered with various papers and had a large bookcase with countless books stacked on it.

"Wow! What are these foreign objects?" Millerna asked aloud, flipping through one. The door creaked open and Dryden stepped in.

"Princess Milly!" He paused, holding two cups of tea. "You mind if I call you Milly?"

"Yes, I d-"

"Gotcha! Here's your drink, Milly." Dryden cut off Millerna's protest and handed her the steaming beverage. Millerna eyed it suspiciously, sniffed it, then deposited it on the table close at hand.

"…I'm _not_ drinking this," she stated.

"What?" Dryden asked, dismayed. "Come on! It's not like I put anything in it!"

"Oh?" Millerna lifted an eyebrow at him and crossed her arms. "Then _you_ drink it."

"Hmm…let's change the subject." Dryden put his drink aside and seized Millerna's hands as she squawked in indignation. "I can't believe I've always thought of you as a stupid tomboy princess. I'm so relieved to see you've grown into a stupid, _beautiful_ princess. Takes care of that!"

"Back off, lover boy!" Millerna kicked him a safe distance away and glared at him. "I'm a one-man woman, and that's Allen! You got that? So cool it! Even though you're…very handsome…and charming…and a lot smarter than him…richer too…NO! I won't be led astray! Damn you for being so attractive!" Millerna pouted and looked away.

"Hey, now! Don't be like that!" Dryden sure wasn't ready to throw in the towel yet. "Let's go back to Austuria and get married, now! I wanna have at-"

"W-wait! Isn't this a little sudden?" Millerna interrupted, breaking out in a cold sweat.

"…Why? You want me to say it slower?"

"No! I meant…" Millerna desperately thought for an excuse. Dryden calmly regarded her and began to explain.

"Look, we've been betrothed for what seems like _forever_-"

"Three weeks." Millerna murmured.

"-and if you come with me, I'm a wealthy man whose business is booming, my intellect is second to none, and, as you can obviously see, I'm a hot _stud_!" He struck a dramatic pose which failed to impress the Austurian Princess.

"Uh, yeah, sure, but-" Millerna began before squeaking in surprise as Dryden shoved his face uncomfortably close to her own.

"Come on, baby! You know you want it!" He smirked sexily and winked.

"Uh…Dryden?" Millerna had decided that enough was enough.

"Yeah, future lover?"

"What's the capital of Thailand?"

"…Huh?"

"_Bangkok_!" Millerna brought her leg up and smashed it into Dryden's vulnerable nether-regions. He went cross-eyed, gurgled in agony, and promptly fell over. Only after several long minutes of whimpering in pain was he able to get his breath back enough to speak.

"Gaaah! My balls! I think you inverted my penis!" He gasped out.

"Uh, maybe I _did_ do it a little hard…" Millerna felt a bit guilty.

"Kiss it to make it bet-"

_Smack_!

"Enough!" Millerna felt no such guilt now. "Shut that hot mouth of yours and listen up! The reason we came here _is_…"

-Back at the Temple of Fortona-

Outside the Temple of Fortona, night was still in session, and Zaibach Floating Jellyfish hung around the volcano like…well, like big floating jellyfish! Inside, in an eerily dark and creepy room, two Zaibach soldiers were staring up at the ceiling and wondering what on earth they should do.

"What on earth should we do?" One asked the other, still gazing upward.

"Let's try and think of something," the other suggested.

Way up above their heads, Folken was hanging upside down from the craggy ceiling, cloak drawn about him and eyes shut, doing his best impression of a bat. He even sounded like one, too.

"Eee! Eee!" He squeaked softly to himself.

"What the hell happened to him?" One of the soldier's grumbled.

"He's been acting all crazy since he got konked on the head by that 80-pound sword," the other explained. "He thinks he's a bat now. Before, it was Matt Damon. You can imagine how horrible that was."

"Urgh…" The first soldier's face lit up as an idea came to him. "Hey, I know! Maybe if we hit him on the head _again_, he'll be back to normal! Well, as normal as being borderline vampiric is, anyway."

The other soldier glanced up again at Folken, who was snuggling into his dark cloak and chittering.

"Okay, let's try." He stooped to pick up a fairly-sized rock from the ground.

_Whiiiiz_!

_Konk_!

"Auuuuuugh!"

_Crash_!

"Oh, fudge! Run!" The two soldiers scattered like leaves to the wind. Folken picked himself up, nursing his bleeding head and blinking blearily around to get his bearings.

"Ow! What the hell happened?" He paused and moved his tongue a bit. "And why the hell do I have _bugs_ in my mouth? _Eeeeugh_!" After several minutes of retching and a longer spell of dry-heaves, he was good to go. Scrubbing at his mouth with the hem of his cloak, Folken stumbled to his marker and began reciting his lines, which he thankfully hadn't forgotten.

"Er, ah, what were they now? Oh, yes." Folken cleared his throat and began. "All that's left now is to break the seal."

"Arf! Arf!" The same damn seal from a few episodes previous barked joyfully and slapped its fins together. Folken ground his teeth together in fury.

"Not you again! We already had this discussion! Out! _Now_!" He kicked the sleek marine animal into the shadows before regaining his composure.

A nervous soldier came hesitantly up behind Folken and spoke quietly in his ear, mouth moving while no sound came out. Folken frowned.

"Dude, I can't hear you. Speak up."

The soldier flushed but tried again. Still no sound. Folken lost his patience (as if he had any to begin with).

"_Louder_, Helen Keller! I can't freakin' _hear_ you!"

"DILANDAU HAS LEFT WITHOUT PERMISSION, SIR!" The soldier shrieked.

"WHAT?" Folken roared back. "Why didn't you say so sooner? Damn that little bastard!"

-Outside the Temple of Fortona-

Dilandau and his loyal minions zoomed through the night sky outside the Temple of Fortona in their trademark Guymelefs, in search of their prey. Dilandau glanced back at the diminishing temple and smirked evilly.

"Hahahahaha! In your face, Folken!" He cackled. "You can't tell me what to do, I'm a rebel! I don't listen to anyone but myself! And look, I'm listening to Korn! Am I bad enough for ya?" He turned his sights back to the front. "Well, well, well! I've been having a craving for _Dragon_ on my menu! Mother-effing delicious! Let's go, boys!"

His men cheered in agreement as the small troop sailed off into the darkness.

-Back with Dryden and the Others-

"Wow!" Dryden cried, mouth agape and eyes wide. "An Ispano Guymelef! Sweetness!"

He stood before the Escaflowne, which had been brought out into the open from Allen's ship to his, and which was sitting on a large seat before him. The others stood behind Dryden, watching uncomfortably as he gushed and inspected the white melef with the keen eye of an expert.

"Oooh! Look at its legs! And its armor! And hey, what's that?" Dryden ran around the melef, looking everywhere, barely able to contain his excitement. "Wha- oh! It's all hurt! You poor thing! Here, let me help you!" He placed a gentle hand on the Escaflowne.

"Awk! Get offa me, bozo!" The Escaflowne protested loudly.

"Oooh! And it _talks_, too!" Dryden cooed. "I'll bet you're a real wise-ass, huh?"

"Shut up and get away from me!"

"So, that's Dryden?" Hitomi asked with a hint of amusement. "He's better than Allen, I guess."

"Hey! He is not!" Allen pouted. Hitomi ignored him and instead looked over at Millerna, who was busy inspecting her complexion in a pocket mirror.

"I'm sure she'll have fun with _this_ nut," Hitomi thought secretly.

"So! I guess the legend's true." Dryden's voice pulled Hitomi back from her thoughts, and she turned in surprise. The smooth merchant was sitting atop the Escaflowne's knee and looking down at her.

"Huh?"

"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Allen stuck out his lower lip, cocked his head, and placed hands on hips.

"I wasn't talking to _you_, blockhead," Dryden snapped.

"I'll have you know my head is perfectly round!" Allen shot back.

"That does it! I'll keep the legend to myself now! I feel like being mysterious, anyway." Dryden glared down at Allen. "Plus, the Unseen Forces won't let me say it."

"Stop wasting our time!" Allen cried. Dryden gave him a hurt look.

"Wha…you a-hole! That was uncalled for!" He sniffled, about to cry.

"Allen, apologize," Hitomi ordered.

"I'm sorry you're wasting our time," Allen replied.

"Allen!" Hitomi went to smack him. Dryden looked upward, his eyes shaded by his dark glasses.

"According to ancient text," he explained, "Ispano Guymelefs curse their operators by being reluctant jerks to them…"

"That sure _sounds_ like the Escaflowne," Hitomi mumbled.

"Take it back!" The Esca growled.

"…and killing them." Dryden finished.

"_What_?" Hitomi gasped and glared at the melef, who didn't respond.

"Reaaally?" Allen asked, suddenly interested. "Do tell!"

"That's not funny!" Hitomi elbowed the Knight in the ribs, quieting him.

"What do you mean?" Millerna asked, confused.

"Please talk in smaller words for the air-head," Hitomi asked nicely, then glanced at Allen, too. "Er, air-_heads_." Dryden nodded and began.

"The Ispano clan got the knowledge of the peeps of Atlantis. They would choose their masters of the melef's by blood pact. The person remains the master to his death. Sometimes, the melef will take control of the fight. When the melef is damaged and falls, its master falls as well." Dryden sat back, winded.

"And you were going to tell us this, _when_?" Hitomi pointedly asked the Escaflowne.

"Er…" The Guymelef stuttered, "I wanted to…you know! Surprise the little guy!"

"With unexpected _death_?" Hitomi's eyebrow raised an inch.

"Yeah, sorry." The Escaflowne sighed. "I suck at presents."

"Ya _think_?" Hitomi shook her head in disbelief. Of all the…wait! She remembered back to the Temple of Fortona again, when Van had merged with the Escaflowne. Oh, crap! "Oh, crap!" Hitomi repeated. "This is all _my_ fault! _I_ showed him the creepy power so he could do that!"

"_You_ showed him?" Allen asked, turning her way. "I have never wanted to bang you more than right now. Come here!" A quick punch in the throat quickly stopped that train of thought (and Allen's breathing, too).

"All you have to do is fix the Guymelef," Dryden pointed out, giving the Escaflowne a loving pat, to which it squawked awkwardly.

"We can't handle a repair job this big!" Allen cried.

"Yes, we ca-" A crewmember was saying before Allen quickly whirled around and punched him across the face to silence him. He twirled back around, an innocent look on his face.

"Like I said, we can't do it."

"That's okay." Dryden shrugged. "These babies know how to phone home."

"They _do_?" Allen asked in dismay.

"Oh! Like E.T.!" Hitomi giggled, then shuddered. "That freaky little alien scared the bleep outta me!"

Dryden clambered from the Escaflowne's knee to its chesticular region, hands roving over the gears and levers in search of one specific switch. The Escaflowne clearly did not approve of said touching.

"H-Hey! What do you think you're doing? Get away from there!"

"Ah-ha! Found it!" Dydren ignored the melef's cries and flipped a switch somewhere within its confines. Loud, sexy music immediately began blaring from the Escaflowne, startling everyone with its swanky beat and cool rhythms. Hitomi quickly recognized the song to be the Black-Eyed Peas 'My Humps'.

"_What you gon' do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk? I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump! My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump! My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps! Check it out!"_

"Uh…" The Escaflowne said nervously. "That's not mine, I swear."

"Oh, _sure_." Hitomi rolled her eyes.

"I _love_ that song." Allen whispered dreamily to himself.

"Whoops! Sorry, wrong switch!" Dyden smiled apologetically and hit another button. This time, bright green lights began emanating from the green gem set into the Escaflowne's forehead. Now they had a light-show, _and_ music.

"_My love, my love, my love, my love! You love my lady lumps! My hump, my hump, my hump, my humps they got you!"_

"Damn you!" Allen hissed. "What did you do? Now Van will live and forever get in my way with Hitomi! I hate you!"

"Pretty lights!" Millerna tittered, eyes wide and sparkling. Dryden stood up and gazed down at Allen from on high.

"Calm down, blondie. I just called 'em."

"_Who_?" Allen demanded.

"Why, the Ispano clan, of course! The people who built the Escaflowne!" Dryden paused. "What, you want some pizza? 'Cause I can get that, too…"

Outside the large Austurian trade vessel, the sky was beginning to glow with an unearthly aura. Above the ship, the sky warped strangely as a portal from another dimension yawned open. Everyone gasped and watched in awe.

"It's…it's…" Allen gasped. "Mortal Kombaaaaaaat!" He turned and punched out the same unfortunate crewmember from before, who now had two black eyes and a nosebleed.

"Will you cut that out?" Hitomi helped the poor man to his feet and set him aside where he'd be safe from Allen. "The Ispano people are coming!"

"Oh." Allen managed to look disappointed.

A huge, white spaceship began slowly descending from the wide portal. Pretty gold designs covered its expansive walls as it far outweighed the other airships.

"Wow! That thing's _huge_!" Allen whistled, impressed.

"It's even bigger than your ego!" Hitomi marveled.

"Hah! I doubt it!" Allen scoffed. "Hey, wait…"

Dryden walked up to the airship window and admired the white spaceship.

"So! That's the Ispano Factory's Mother Ship? Sweet!" He grinned.

"…Why does it look like a chicken leg?" Hitomi asked bluntly. Dryden frowned.

"I…don't…_know_."

-Inside the Ispano Factory Mother Ship-

Churning gears clanked loudly, puffs of steam whistled in clouds of smoke, and levers whirred inside the huge Ispano Factory Mother Ship. All around were littered the exoskeletons of melefs in various forms of construction. Some hung on the walls while others lay on tables. Nearby, many voices were raised in a sort of weird, ritualistic chant.

The Escaflowne was sitting on a new, grander throne, and the people standing before him were the ones doing the chanting. There were about a dozen of them, all freakily short and covered in black robes with the hoods pulled up. These were the Ispanoes. They surrounded the Escaflowne and were offering prayers to it, which it was enjoying tremendously.

"Hmm, yes…" The Escaflowne muttered happily. "Worship me! I am your GOD!"

"Oh, Fanelia!" One of the Ispano sang from his perch on Escaflowne's knee.

"Oh, Fanelia!" The others on the ground chorused.

"Oh, Escaflowne!" The first one went on.

"Oh, Escaflowne!" The others answered.

"Oh, Kelly Clarkson!"

"Oh, Kelly- HEY!" Someone chucked an empty bottle which bonked quite satisfyingly on the speaker's head.

"Okaaaay, this is _really_ creeping me out," Hitomi whispered as she watched the freak show. The others nodded in agreement. They had boarded the chicken leg- er, Mother Ship, and were patiently waiting for the little peeps to wrap up their prayers so they could get to the fixing of the melef.

"They've confirmed that it's really the Escaflowne," Dryden was kind enough to explain.

"How'd they do that?" Hitomi wanted to know.

"Well," Dryden shifted around. "Don't tell anyone, but…" He leaned in close to Hitomi. "The Esca's got a huge ID-bar on his _ass_."

"Oh?" Hitomi dissolved into a fit of giggles.

"What are you laughing about over there?" The Escaflowne barked suspiciously.

"Nothing!" Hitomi said with a snicker.

The creepy little men suddenly turned to the group of heroes, causing them to jump in surprise. One Ispano stepped forward, to where Hitomi, Dryden, and Allen were standing. The little man held forth his hand, palm up, imploringly.

"50 million," he stated.

"High five, bitch!" Allen slapped the man's hand like the idiot he was.

"No, yellow-haired dumb-ass!" The little Ispano growled, rubbing his smarting hand. "50 million for Escaflowne repair job!"

"Including an oil change and vacuuming?!" Allen gurgled.

"Yes."

"This is highway robbery!" Reeden declared, enraged. "These guys are frauds!"

"We don't have that kind of money!" Gaddess sputtered. "Do you realize how long it would take for us to make that much?"

"I _could_ become a male whore," Allen offered.

"You already _are_, and we're _still_ poor!" Gaddess pointed out.

"Oh, yeah. Right." Allen sulked.

"We don't have it," Hitomi told the Ispano sadly. He shrugged and lowered his hand.

"You can't pay? We leave. And take all your stuff."

"Hey!" Hitomi cried. The man turned to go.

"_I'll_ pay," Dryden boldly declared.

"Eeek! No, master! Don't!" Dryden's assistant squealed in protest and flailed his arms around.

"Can it or I'll throw you in, too." The assistant's mouth snapped shut quick as can be. Dryden looked back at the Ispano. "You can take my convoy as well. So, whaddaya say?" Millerna stared at her fiancée is disbelief.

"My goodness…" she thought. "He's…so sweet…and generous…"

Dryden caught her eye and winked suggestively.

"That jerk! He's just trying to get on my good side!" She looked at the camera and smiled coyly. "Which, thankfully, is _both_ sides of my face."

As the Ispano held out a legally-binding contract, Dryden used his signet ring to press the wax on the paper and seal the deal. Millerna shook her head and went back to the topic at hand.

"Thank you, Dryden!" She gushed. "We'll never be able to repay you for your kindness!"

"Eh, it's nothing." Dryden smirked and leaned back. "I'm no miser. I just seem to have a soft spot for the King is all."

"Wha…" Millerna made a face and stepped back in surprise. "Wait…you…swing that way?"

"Huh?" Dryden quirked an eyebrow. "NO! I, I was being flirtatious again! I'm _straight_!"

-Later-

The little Ispano people were now crowded all around the Escaflowne, buffing and polishing, grinding and oiling. Sparks flew from several grinders that the Ispano were using to grind away at the Esca's scarred skin. It was an extremely painful process, and the Escaflowne was certainly letting them know about it.

"Aaaaaaaugh! You Godless sons of dogs! It hurts! Oh, God, it hurts! The pain! The paaaaain! Just kill me already!" The Escaflowne moaned, his howls reverberating against the walls.

The Ispano paid him no mind and continued their ministrations. One was even buffing the melef's feet, which it found to be the worst of all.

"Augh! Pedicure, no! I'm not going gay again! Get away from me!"

Inside a room off to the side, a similar show was playing out. Van screamed and thrashed violently around on a medical table, his bandages soaked through with blood and agony clear. Merle and Hitomi clutched each other in horror, eyes wide with the counseling sessions that were sure to come.

"Someone should hold him down so he doesn't hurt himself!" Millerna suggested. Everyone gaped at her since it was actually a smart idea.

"Yeah, someone _should_…" Allen said with disinterest and yawned. Only when all three women combined their glares to nearly incinerate him on the spot did he frown and oblige. "Oh, fine! I'll do it. But it doesn't mean I'm gay or anything, you got that? I love the boobies!"

Allen stormed over to the table side and clambered up. Seizing hold of the still-struggling King, he turned on his heel and promptly sat on him. It worked, in a way. Van still jerked to and fro, but at least he wasn't able to hurt himself anymore. Still, Allen couldn't completely hold him down by himself.

"Get some rope in here!" He ordered. "We're gonna tie this little brat down nice and tight! Come on!"

"I've got some rope!" Reeden dashed in to help. Gaddess was already busy holding down Van's legs, and together the three of them were able to tie down the suffering boy.

"Wow…" Dryden mused, "He's _feeling_ it…"

"Hitomi's-" Allen began.

"He's feeling the pain of the Escaflowne, alright? Yeesh! Can you stop thinking about naughty stuff for five seconds?" Dryden rounded on the Knight, who had a dreamy smile plastered on his face. He blinked in surprise and looked around.

"Huh? I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"Never mind." Dryden rubbed his forehead. He really couldn't see how everyone was able to put up with him for more than an hour a day.

"Dryden?" Hitomi asked meekly.

"Don't worry." Dryden gave her a comforting pat on the back. "Once the Escaflowne's repaired, Van's wounds will be healed." Hitomi smiled in reassurance. "_If_ he can survive the pain and indescribable agony, that is."

"Oh, _bleep_. That wuss is _never_ gonna make it." Hitomi was close to tears.

"Aaaaaaaaaaauuuggghh!!" Van screamed, suddenly thrashing more violently than normal. "Not…the toenails! Noooo! Get away!"

"This is awful! Make it stop!" Merle sobbed and clutched at Hitomi, which would actually be really cute if she hadn't been digging her sharp claws into the girl at the same time. Hitomi winced in pain but didn't say anything, as she didn't want to upset the cat-girl any more than she already was. "Lord Van's _dying_! Waaaaah!"

"Uh…there, there, Merle," Hitomi comforted, giving her a hug. "Be brave. It'll be okay. It'll take more than this to kill him. And…and the Unseen Forces need him, too! Right? R-right?"

Hitomi's legs gave way, and the two girls collapsed on the floor, holding each other.

"It'll be okay," Hitomi went on weakly. "If anyone is too damn stubborn to die, it's Van!"

-Meanwhile, Back at the Temple of Fortona-

Back at the Temple of Fortona, it was still nightfall, and- wait, what? It's _still_ nightfall? Are you frigging kidding me? Gosh-dang! This is one effing _long_ night! Geez! What the hell? Okay, anyway, deep inside the Temple of Fortona, an eerie green glow emanated from a hole in the ground. On a small balcony overlooking said hole, Folken, the other four general of the Zaibach army, and hey! Lookit that! It's little Prince Chid again! Oh, er, uh, I mean, King Chid, right? 'Cause Genghis Kahn- er, the Duke of Freid is dead now? Okay, _King_ Chid was holding the notorious Secret-Seal Sword, and this time Folken was quite keen on staying a safe distance away, as he had no desire to become a bat again.

Chid stepped forward, holding the large blade horizontally, and placed it carefully into a stone animal's mouth, the same one the gang had seen on their trip down into the Temple with the Duke for their lil' history lesson on the people of Atlantis. Having taken the sword in its mouth, the statue sank into the ground, triggering an ancient switch in the Temple. The walls and ground began to shake ominously, and the glow coming from the hole in the ground began growing stronger. Underneath the stone floor, chains and gears began creaking and groaning as they moved, electricity crackled all along the floor and walls, and some very sinister music began playing in the background, so you _know_ some important bleep is goin' down.

The light in the hole grew, stronger and stronger, until it was almost overwhelming.

"Gaah! Light! It burns the flesh!" Folken hissed and shadowed his eyes from the powerful rays. "So this is the power of Atlantis? Gee, I sure wish I could see it without permanently _searing_ my retinas!"

Suddenly, a green-blue pillar of light shot up from the hole, blasting into the heavens above. So great was the power that outside the volcanic crater, the pillar of light could be seen.

"Ngah! Too late!" Folken howled in pain.

-At the Same Time, in the Zaibach Empire-

Dornkirk was having a great day. No, make that a _wonderful_ day. He'd finally been able to drop the kids off at the pool for the first time in three days, and had actually managed to keep some food down. Then he'd spent several hours immersed in the newest Victoria's Secret catalogue, and had gotten to see Chris Sligh sing on American Idol. Now, he was enjoying even more leisure time with his beloved gaming system – the Nintendo DS. Hah! The one Folken had taken was just a decoy. The fool! As if Dornkirk would be foolish enough to let his second-in-command confiscate his most prized possession.

Smiling to himself, Dornkirk tapped the stylus onto the touch screen to get his Nintendog's attention. Time for him to learn a new trick.

"Sexual Chocolate!" He called lovingly. "Sexual Chocolate! Here, boy! Ooooh, yes! That's a good boy! Good boy, Sexual Chocolate! Yes!" He pet its head and rubbed its belly. "Okay, boy! Roll over! Roll- _yes_! Good boy, Sexual Chocolate! Goo-"

Suddenly, and with no warning, green light blasted into the room, blinding the elderly evil-doer and scaring him enough to crap his diaper. Dornkirk shrieked like a little girl and dropped the DS in his confusion. It fell the ten feet from Dorny's hand to the cold, hard, unforgiving floor and shattered. He was too busy to notice, as his smoldering eyes demanded more attention at the time.

"Eaaaagh! My precious eyeballs!" Dornkirk screamed, clapping hands over them in an attempt to save them. "Now I can't look at Gisele Bundchen's hot bod! The very Gods themselves are against me! Where the hell is that light coming from?! Why haven't we installed dimmer switches? Dimmer switches, people!!"

Through his agony, Dornkirk cracked one crust-caked eye open and peered blearily up at the huge globe/telescope thingy that was always positioned in front of his large throne and allowed him to see different parts of the world (and women). He gasped.

"I…can see my dream! The pulsing…of my ideal future! And…that girl's sweet-ass legs! _Whistle_!"

-Back to the Ispano Factory Mother Ship-

At long last, it was all over. The Escaflowne sat, shiny and new, in its throne. A few Ispanoes polished its smooth white armor, making it shine beautifully. Our favorite melef was just grateful that there was no more pain.

"Oh, thank God…" It groaned. "It's over…hey! Don't miss behind my ears! It gets crusty back there!"

"You have _ears_?" One Ispano asked incredulously.

"Good point," the melef admitted. "Now get back to work!"

In the nearby room, a similar reunion was taking place.

"Wooo!" Van sang as he whipped off his bandages, shaking his tush while giving everyone an eyeful of his clear, unbroken skin. Merle cheered at the strip-show while Hitomi blushed modestly. She was just glad he wasn't bleeding all over the place anymore. Van's wounds had indeed closed up, and he was now flaunting his healed physique in front of everyone's eyes (unwillingly).

"Look, he's all healed!" Millerna stated stupidly.

"We can _see_ that, Millerna." Hitomi mumbled, still avoiding looking directly at Van's cavorting figure.

"What about in his pants?" Merle asked, indicating the trousers Van had (thankfully) left on. "Show us, Lord Van!"

"Well…" Van hesitated with the first button undone.

"Don't you dare!" Hitomi hollered with a dangerous glare.

"Eep!" Van yanked his pants back up, not wanting to get hurt again so soon after his ordeal.

"You're no fun!" Merle complained with a hiss.

"Is it _over_ yet?" Gaddess asked, shielding his eyes with disgust. He certainly did _not_ wanna see what Van had to offer.

"Yeah, I think so," Kio said, peeking out from behind his own hands.

"There isn't a scratch on him!" Pyle marveled.

"Whee! Lord Van!" Merle squealed happily and went for him. So glad was he to not be hurt anymore, Van actually allowed her to glomp him.

"Oh, well. It's better than endless agony," he sighed. "Or is it?"

"Wow!" Dryden exclaimed in awe. "I can't believe it worked!"

"Weren't _you_ the one who suggested this?" Hitomi asked suspiciously.

"Uh, no?" The rich man looked away.

Van turned to the crew, a happy smile on his face.

"It's all because of _you_…" he began. Allen took this to mean _him_, and flushed with pleasure.

"Oh, there's no need to tha-"

"Thank you so much, Dryden!" Van completely bypassed the Austurian Knight and clasped Dryden's hand in friendship. "You saved my ass! I owe you one!"

"Must resist…urge to kill…" Allen hissed to himself, sulking in a corner.

"Uh, actually…" Dryden glanced over his shoulder. "Hitomi helped, too!"

"Huh?" Hitomi's head jerked up as she heard her name.

"Really?" Van's smile broadened as he turned to the psychic girl. He flung his arms wide and went for her. "Come here, Hitomi! Lemme thank you!"

"Eek! Put a shirt on first!" Hitomi squealed in embarrassment and backed away.

"Hells no!" Van struck a pose. "Then you can't see my rippling pectorals!" He began showing off his 'muscles'. Hitomi eyed his spindly frame and nearly skin-and-bones physique.

"Uh…" She shook her head to stop herself from saying anything mean. "Look, Van. Just be more careful from now on, okay? You're not always going to have someone who'll save your ass like the last few times. Maybe…maybe you shouldn't pilot the Escaflowne any more."

"What, and let _Allen_ be the hero of the story?" Van scoffed. "Nu-uh, sister! I'd rather die first!"

"Remember you said that," the Escaflowne whispered sinisterly.

"But Van!" Hitomi continued. "If the Escaflowne is damaged, the same thing will happen again. If it's destroyed, you'll-"

"Yeah, yeah!" Van wasn't listening. "Don't worry! I won't let anything happen to the Escaflowne again."

"Oh, my ass!" The melef snarled. "I don't need you baby, er melef-sitting me! I'm a _man_!"

"Hmm?" Hitomi blinked as one of the Ispano shuffled over toward the crew.

"Fighters come," it stated. "Ispano not involved. We not want any ass-kickage on our tender backsides. You leave!"

"Geez, fine! Cowards!" Allen sniffed. "…Can I come with you guys?"

"It must be Zaibach, the bastards are after us again," Gaddess said while taking a firm grip on Allen's arm, who made a face at him.

"Let's go, Allen!" Van cheered, ready to fight. The little Ispano suddenly sidled up next to him. Van blinked and looked down.

"Blood pact!" The Ispano said.

"…Okaaaay…" Van quirked an eyebrow, not quite understanding.

"Think back, idiot boy!" The Ispano explained. "Think back to when got the Esca!" Van screwed up his face and thought back. Hmm…oh, yeah. He remembered slicing off his friggin' _thumb_ while trying to get the blood onto the Energist before inserting it into the Escaflowne's pink gem on his chest.

"Gee, how could I forget _that_?"

"You used Draconian blood!" The Ispano went on. "You not read owner's manual? That bad! Ispano can't guarantee!"

"What? Are you serious?" Van asked. "You mean no refund? You little snots!" Van lunged at the short man, but Hitomi was able to hold him back before he strangled the life out of him.

"Let's just go already!"

-Outside the Big Space Ship-

Uh oh! Dilandau and his men were closing in on Van and his friends! They were still airborne in their melef units, and could see in the distance the huge Ispano Factory Mother Ship hanging out of the strange portal in the sky.

"Woah!" Dilandau gasped in shock. "Why the hell is there a big, white chicken leg in the sky? …I feel like effing it up! Whee! Eh?" He blinked as the portal suddenly surged, and the ship began lifting up again into the other dimension. "Damn, I'm good! They just _feel_ my killing intent and run like scared little rabbits! I've still got it!"

-Back Inside Dryden's Ship-

"You loser! Don't you have any Guymelefs?" Allen barked in a panic. Inside Dryden's large ship, everyone was scurrying around looking for something to arm themselves with, as Zaibach was coming to lay the smack down on them.

"Why don't you just use your own?" Was Dryden's rebuttle.

"I'm not getting Sherry all dirty!" Allen said firmly. "I just gave her a wash!"

"Get real!" Dryden snapped, losing his patience. "This is a merchant ship! All we have are crappy-ass display pieces that'll break apart on the first hit! Be my guest and take one!"

Outside the Austurian cruiser, the Ispano ship winked from sight and the portal faded away, leaving the sky a soft pink as dawn was fast approaching.

"No, Van! I won't let you!" Hitomi hollered, her arms wrapped around the bratty King's legs in an effort to hold him down. "The Ispano said there wasn't any guarantee! Let Allen and the others do the fighting!"

"No!" Van shook his legs, trying to get her off. "Those melefs suck! And so does Allen! They _need_ me!"

"I'm not letting go!" Hitomi grit her teeth and held on. "Merle, get him!"

"Yes, ma'am!" Merle purred with glee, and sprang for her favorite chew-toy.

"Enough!" Van bellowed, and in a rare display of brute strength, threw both girls off onto the floor. Hey, that was mean!

"Ow! That hurt, you a-hole!" Hitomi sniffled as she sat up.

"Just forget it!" Van cried. "I have to act brave now to make up for all my wussiness back in the beginning! I can handle the Escaflowne!" Turned and ran up the stairs to his waiting Guymelef.

"Vaaan!" Hitomi called after him.

"Don't say I didn't warn ya, kid." The Escaflowne grumbled as Van jumped into the cockpit.

"Just be quiet and move!" The hatch quickly shut and the Ispano melef stood up from its seat and stomped over toward the door. "Open the gate!"

"Don't go!" Hitomi came running, still trying to keep Van safe.

"Damn, girl! Give up already!" Van began pounding on the door in desperation. "Open! Open! Openopenopenopen!" To his relief, the door began sliding over. Very _slooooowwwlllyyyy_. "Oh, come _on_!"

Hitomi screeched to a halt right behind the Escaflowne.

"Van! I command you to stop!" She ordered. "I…I…I'll let you touch my chest again!"

"Huuuuurgh!" Van tensed up, mentally fighting himself and his horny desires. "No! Must…resist…the boobies…NO! I won't be like Allen!" The melef hurled itself out the door, which had finally opened enough that he could squeeze through.

"Nice move," the Escaflowne commented.

"Did you have a better solution?" Van snapped as the melef switched to Dragon Mode. He was too upset to even sing his theme song.

"That jerk!" Hitomi howled into the open air, standing before the door. "Yeah, you better run, because when you get back, I'm gonna-"

"You whore!" Merle screeched and tackled her. "Oh, 'I'll let you touch my chest', huh? As if I'd let you let him!"

-Down Below-

Lightning crackled across the quickly darkening sky, and little rodents with shirt- with _shirts_? The rodent's have- _forget it_. I give up. The stupid rodents with stupid…_shirts_ ran into a hole as the Escaflowne crash-landed on some rocky terrain, ready to face Dilandau and his men in battle. Well, crashed more than landed, really, since it was a belly-flop and Van sucked at landing. Enemy melef units began dropping from the sky like rain, surrounding our hero. Dilandau came down last, right in front of Van.

"Yeah, we're awesome." Dilandau smirked.

"Iiieeeee!" One foolish soldier fell way off to the side with a crash, missing his marker by about three hundred feet.

"Remind me to kill that guy later," Dilandau ordered with a snap of his fingers.

"Yes, sir." Gatti quickly jotted this down.

"Okay, men!" Dilandau sneered at his prey. "The Dragon hunting is going to stop today."

Van watched the enemies land through his visor, feeling more and more uneasy as more and more units appeared.

"Oh, _eff_," he whispered to himself. "Effeffeffin'effersEFF. E-F-F. This is my worst decision _ever_."

"How about that time you wore those hot pink pants?" The Esca asked.

"How the hell do _you_ know about that?" Van made a face. "That was Merle's fault. Said my ass looked good in it. Oh, well. It's now or never, I guess." Van sniffed at the air and glanced down. "Well, I just peed myself. Is that normal?"

"For you, it is." Was the answer.

"Oh, yeah. Right." Van took a deep breath. "Let's do dis, padnah!" He closed his eyes and began to concentrate. In his minds eye, he saw the Esca's gears turning, cogs churning, and totally bad-ass music started to play. "Aw, _yeah_."

"_Drowning deep in my sea of loathing, broken your servant I kneel. It seems what's left of my human side is slowing changing...in me... Looking at my own reflection, when suddenly it changes, violently it changes. Oh no, there is no turning back now, you've woken up the demon... in me_..."

"No need to thank me." The Escaflowne said smugly. He loved this song, too.

_"Get up, come on get down with the sickness! Get up, come on get down with the sickness! Get up, come on get down with the sickness! Open up your hate, and let it flow into me!"_

"Attack!" Dilandau screamed, and all hell broke loose. Lighting streaked across the sky, and Dragonslayers lunged from all directions toward Van, liquid metal swords drawn.

"Yaaaaah!" Amped up from adrenaline and the music, Van roared back a challenge and charged forth with his own blade held at the ready. He blocked a shot of Crima Claw, rushed up, and sliced three whole melef units in half with one swing. Holy crap! "Wooh! Take a seat! You can't stop dis!" Van jeered as he attacked another.

"Aaaaaugh!" Guimel screamed in horror before noticing the camera. "Oh, wow. This is one of the only times you see me, huh? Hi, mom!"

_Splutch_!

Van crushed in the melef's head, red liquid squirting everywhere.

"Eww. I _really_ hope that's ketchup." Van gagged before moving on. He blocked another Crima Claw, than managed to kill two more units, one of them Gatti's.

"Aw, nuts." Gatti sighed as his melef melted down and burst into blue flame around him. "At least Dilandau can't hit me anymore. My cheek _still_ hurts."

"Damn!" Dilandau cursed from his vantage point and threw his popcorn down. "What's wrong with you guys? You suck all of a sudden!"

"Actually, sir, _he's_ all kick-ass all of a sudden." One brave Dragonslayer piped up. Dilandau just _looked_ at him. "Gee-yah! Better go fight!" He rushed off into battle.

"Stealth Cloaks!" Dilandau called out to his men. "And don't think that even though he's seen through them several times already will make a difference!" The melefs faded from view as their Stealth Cloaks activated. Van, looking wild-eyed and crazy, watched them disappear.

"Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, huh?" Van saw Hitomi's pendant swing before his eyes and could immediately see his invisible foes. "I can see them! I can see them! If I wasn't so jacked up on bloodlust and adrenaline, I would _totally_ be creeped out right now!"

The Escaflowne's visor gleamed wickedly as more lighting bolts rained down from the angry sky.

"Yaaaaah!" Van slashed down even more enemies. Dallet shrieked in fear and desperately tried to form a sort of shield from his liquid metal as Van flew at him. "Oh, please!" He easily clove the shield in two.

"Not the hair!" Were Dallet's dying words.

"This is for Genghis Kahn!" Van howled as yet another melef fell back, melting into blue flames. "And this is for Balgus!" He blocked a Crima Claw, then ran up and slashed the attacker. "And this is for the Dixie Chicks winning Album of the Year at the Grammys! It was supposed to be James Blunt, dammit!"

"Wha…what the hell?" Dilandau asked, breaking out in a cold sweat. "What the hell is going on? He was just a pansy before, and now he's totally bleeping _nuts_! And I'm talking Mariah Carey nuts!"

"Gah! Lord Dilandau!" Chesta gurgled, blood pouring from his mouth. His melef also burst into flames before his master's eyes. Van straightened and faced Dilandau – they were the only two left on the battlefield. Everyone else had become fiery hunks of metal, and they didn't really count. Van stared down his foe, looking all bad-ass and evil.

"_I can see inside you, the sickness is rising, don't try to deny what you feel. It seems that all that was good has died, and is decaying… in me… It seems you're having some trouble, in dealing with these changes, living with these changes. Oh no, the world is a scary place, now that you've woken up the demon…in me…"_

"G-Gatti?" Dilandau asked weakly, looking around for his loyal minions. "Chesta? Dallet? Come on out, you guys! This isn't funny!" He gulped as the Escaflowne continued glaring at him with those damn creepy eyes. "No! I'm too pretty to die!"

Way up high, on Dryden's ship, Hitomi and Merle were watching the devastation in shock.

"Lord Van is winning!" Merle cheered, hopping up and down happily.

"Yeah, by _slaughtering_ the others," Hitomi said wryly.

"So?" Merle stuck out her lower lip.

"So something strange is happening to the Escaflowne!" Hitomi explained. "There's no way Van could kill all those trained warriors! Not in a million years, even with Steven Segal, Chuck Norris, and Jean-Claude Van Dam as his trainers! No way!"

Down on the battlefield, the Escaflowne took a step toward its prey.

"No!" Dilandau cried. "Stay away! I'll mace you!" Desperately, he brought up his arm and shot a Crima Claw, which all but missed the melef and only scratched its cheek. Inside, blood dribbled down from a matching scratch on Van's face.

"And this…" Van said dramatically, "Is for Fanelia! Prepare to die!" He surged forward, sword extended for the kill. The Escaflowne's purple cape swept behind him, the sun glinting off the sharp steel of its-

_Trip_!

_Crash_!

"Way to spoil the moment," Dilandau muttered.

"You loser!" The Esca barked.

"Shut up!" Van picked himself up from the ground. "My foot got caught! Now, where was I?"

"The part where you kill him now."

"Ah, yes." Van cleared his throat and held his sword out again. "Yaaaaah!"

"Aaaaaaugh!" Dilandau screamed in answer, to terrified to even move. The blood from Van's cut on his cheek splashed onto the inner confines of the Escaflowne, and suddenly, his world was engulfed by red. Van blinked and found himself in a strange, dark word, as if time stood still.

"Hold it right there, Kingy!" Dallet said, appearing in front of Esca's visor. Van gasped.

"Wh-what? Am…am I high? I'm high, aren't I!" Van sniffed at the air to see if there was a gas leak or something.

"You're not high, dumb-ass," Chesta said, appearing next to him. "We won't let you kill Lord Dilandau!"

"Allen?" Van asked, looking over his shoulder at the boy. "What happened to you? You've got a _bowl_ cut, for goodness sakes!"

"Sh-shut up!" Chesta snapped. "I'm Chesta! I'm just going through puberty and so just happen to sound like that pansy Allen!" He looked away and began mumbling to himself. "Stupid English dub…cheap bastards…"

"Uh…okay…" Van narrowed his eyes.

"Lord Dilandau is our patron," Gatti explained, appearing behind him.

"Whoa! How many of you guys are there?" Van was getting annoyed. "Get out of here! You're freaking me out!"

The images of the dead Dragonslayers surrounded Dilandau, protecting him from Van.

"He gave us our glorious Guymelefs!" One declared.

"He raised us up!" Another said.

"He slapped us!"

"And called us stupid!"

"And swore at us!"

"…why the hell are we even here?" One asked.

There was a pause of silence.

"Well, I'm out."

"Yeah, me too."

"Where do you go to find some food around here?"

The large grumbling crowd of Dragonslayers dispersed, leaving Dilandau alone again. Van watched, wondering what the eff had just taken place.

"Well, that was weird." Van shook his head and set his sights on Dilandau once again. "Now, back to the killing of the heartless bastard! Huh?" He jerked away as evil spirit-like things suddenly appeared and began flying around him in a most annoying way. "Wha…get away! Don't touch me! No! NOOOOOOOO!"

Outside, in the real world (as Van is still trapped in that dead-world-thing), the Escaflowne stood stock-still, and slowly turned black all over. It fell backwards and hit the ground, unmoving. Dilandau looked over his shoulder at it as he ran the hell away.

"Just you wait, Van. I'm still more kick-ass than you!" He snarled.

"Hitomi? What happened to Van?" Merle asked, clutching the psychic girl.

"How would I know?" She retorted, staring down at the darkened form of the Escaflowne. "That idiot! I _told_ him!"

-Episode 14 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Whew! That one was quite long. Wonder why? Eh, whatever. I hope you like the Dornkirk part – especially his Nintendog's name. Just in case you were wondering, the dog he had was a Chocolate Lab. That's why it fits so well. Anyway, time to go! I've got one…two…three more tests in the next two weeks! Eaagh! Must study! Later! Review, please!


	15. Episode 15: Loser

Author's Note: Ngaaaah! I'm going nuts! This week, I have three effing tests! _Three_! I'm lucky I had last Friday off so I could work on my little Escaflowne thing! And I have vacation the week after…bah! It still sucks! I'll try my hardest, though. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 15

Loser's Paradise

Recap: Hitomi finally manages to coax Van out of the Escaflowne, and now he's all bloody and hurt. _Gross_. When even Millerna's genius doctoring methods (including salt and citrus) are all in vain, Hitomi suddenly realizes the reason Van's wounds aren't healing – the idiot's still linked to the Escaflowne! Lucky for them they meet up with Millerna's fiancée, the charming and handsome Dryden, who promises to help them out if Millerna makes out with _him_. He finds a switch on the Escaflowne, next to the boom-box, which summons the makers of the melef, the Ispano, for a repair job. Dryden agrees to pay (well, ain't he nice? Unlike a certain Austurian Knight we all know) and both Van and Esca get fixed up. Meanwhile, Folken thinks he's a bat until a knock on the noggin sets him straight, and he finally unearths the power of Atlantis for the Zaibach Empire. Dornkirk is less than pleased, as the magical light not only blinds him but causes him to put his Nintendog to sleep, permanently. Dilandau arrives with his paussy, and the now healed Van hops out in the Esca to face him. They rumble, with Van going totally berserk and killing all of Dilly's minions. As Van goes for the killing strike, Dilandau's fallen followers rise from the dead and stop him (at first at least). The Escaflowne turns an ominous black, and falls to the ground. Na-gah! What'll happen next?

The inky black Escaflowne's Energist beat softly, glowing with a weak pink light as Hitomi heaved herself up onto the unresponsive melef. Here she was, yet again, trying to save Van's life. And what would she get in return? Probably a slap from Merle and a vulgar remark from Allen. Oh, well. She was a heroine, after all. She was pretty much used to it by now.

"Van! Wake up, you idiot! _Van_!" Hitomi clambered around on the Guymelef till she reached the faceplate. She knocked on it several times, hoping the noise would wake up its occupant and make him stop being so damn stupid. "Van! Come on already! That's enough! Time to wake up!"

"What's wrong, Hitomi?" Millerna asked, appearing next to the anxious psychic girl. Talk about tactless.

"_Helloooo_?" Hitomi gave the princess an exasperated look. "Are you even on the same _planet_ as us? Van's in trouble! Help me wake the loser up!" She started beating on the visor again, louder this time. Millerna frowned, looked at the blood-spattered, black-colored, unmoving melef, and scratched her head.

"I think he looks alright."

"Someone get her away from me!" Hitomi's voice sounded close to breaking point, and she jabbed a finger at Millerna. "_Seriously_, I'm gonna eff her up!"

"Look, Princess!" Gaddess called, quick to aid Hitomi. "It's Allen!" He dangled the Austurian Knight temptingly in front of her.

"H-hey!" Allen struggled to get free, more than a little panicked.

"_Oooh_! Allen!" Millerna shot like a rocket away from Hitomi, who sighed in relief and turned back to the problem at hand. A situation like this had to be handled with the utmost caution. Thank goodness Hitomi was gifted with natural sensitivity and understanding.

"Van, you stupid a-hole! Get outta there right now!" Hitomi pressed her face against the slits of the visor and peered into the bowels of the Escaflowne. She could see the shady visage of our young Fanelian King, who lay sprawled out, unconscious in the pilot seat. Hitomi narrowed her eyes and decided to conduct a test. "_Folken_."

"_Nggggrh_…" Van growled softly to himself, eyebrows scrunching down and jaw clenching with anger even in his stupor. His fists tightened into balls and Hitomi could almost feel the immense waves of hatred radiating off the boy.

"Well, at least I know he's still _alive_," she mumbled, then said aloud, "Up and at 'em, Van! Open your eyes! …Huh? W-what is this?!" Hitomi recoiled in shock as a black shroud suddenly covered the unconscious King and began seeping from the slits in the visor. Hitomi growled but refused to give up. "Escaflowne, I know you've got bad morning breath, but come _on_! Let him out!"

"Stop it, Hitomi!" Millerna wailed, suddenly appearing and grabbing her around the waist. Hitomi gagged in surprise and glared daggers at the group gathered around the scene.

"Who let her go?!"

"Sorry." Gaddess shrugged apologetically. Off to the right, a ragged and bloody pile of limbs that was Allen (or used to be) groaned in pain and twitched feebly. Damn Millerna and her damn vicious assaults. The bitch was absolutely _crazy_. Allen couldn't decide whether to be turned on or to roll over and _die_.

"Let go, Hitomi!" Millerna tugged, hard. "You might not be able to come back, like that time with the creepy doppelganger!" She paused, thinking this over (_wow_). "Wait, what am I saying? Go, Hitomi! Go!" She shoved her toward the Escaflowne, where more of the black shroud was gushing forth.

Allen had recovered somewhat and was watching the display with perverted glee.

"Mmm! Girl-on-girl action! Me _likey_!" He purred.

"_Sir_." Gaddess said firmly, giving him a look.

"Yes, you're right, Gaddess." Allen said solemnly, nodding.

"Good." Gaddess crossed his arms.

"I should join in!"

"_What_?!"

"Oh laaaadies!" Allen was already sprinting toward them, eyes wide and sparkling.

"Get off of me!" Hitomi barked at Millerna, trying to kick her away. "If we don't do something, we're going to lose Van! And we need him, he's the hero of the story! What'll we do if- aaaaaugh! Help me!" Hitomi cried out as she began getting sucked into the Escaflowne, black tendrils twining around her arms and tugging her closer.

"Yes! Later, sweetie!" Millerna cheered, giving Hitomi one final smack on the tush. The Escaflowne's Energist stopped glowing, and turned from its normal pink shade to a dull grey one. …That's bad, right?

Hitomi lay on the Escaflowne, unmoving and comatose. Millerna poked her butt a few times to see if it would elicit any response, but when none came, she knew something wasn't right.

"Hey, _wait_! You're supposed to take her away, not just take her soul and leave her _body_ here! That's not fair!" Millerna pouted prettily, then a devious smile spread across her face as an especially wicked idea came to mind. "Oh, well! Let's mess around with her unconscious body while she's gone!"

"Yes, _let's_!" Allen agreed heartily.

-With Hitomi-

Hitomi ran, legs churning, arms swinging, lungs burning. She was in yet another freaky world, even freakier than all the ones (_plural_) she'd been in before. Thankfully, there was no blood or gore in this one, only vast emptiness. She couldn't decide whether that was good or bad. Mist obscured her vision, making her footfalls echo as she ran and just making her even more creeped out.

"Whoo! Yukari, if you could see me now!" Hitomi panted out between breaths. "I could _totally_ break that stupid 13 second thing easily! …Not like I'd want to anymore." She remembered Amano and his amazingly Allen-like tendencies and shuddered. "The stinking perv! Oh, wait. I'm supposed to be looking for Van. Guess I better start."

Casting looks left and right, Hitomi saw nothing but fog and more fog. Where was that dumby? Probably hiding somewhere, giggling to himself while she worried herself silly over him! Oooh, just wait till she caught him! The bastard wouldn't be able to sit down for a week!

"Vaaaaaaaaaaaan!" Hitomi hollered, voice cutting through the mist like a foghorn. "Where are you? Vaaaan! Hmm. Oh, wait! I know! Maaaaaarco!" Hitomi kept running and perked up her ears for several seconds before trying again. "Maaaaarco!" Still nothing. "Dammit, Van! I thought you liked playing that game! Hmm?"

Ahead of the running girl, shapes could be seen. A vast army of people (men, mostly) was marching along sadly, looking depressed and, well, _dead_. They were all shapes and sizes, some fat, some thin, some dirty, some trim, some- OH GOD! I just friggin' _rhymed_! Gaaah! _Runs off to puke in bushes._ Oh…God… _Weakly drags self back._ Okay. What was going on? Oh, yeah, the army. It's a whole bunch of dead guys. Hitomi shoved her way in among them, searching for Van.

"Eeesh." Hitomi grumbled, warily watching the strangers in their melancholy march. "Maybe I should give these suckers some of my Zoloft. …Nah. I need it all for myself. Hey!" She screeched to a halt and stared open-mouthed at a small group of young men marching along with the others. "I know you! You're N'Sync!"

Justin Timberlake, Lance Bass, JC Chasez, Joey Fatone, and Chris Kirkpatrick stood before her, looking pleasantly surprised to find someone who knew their identities.

"What are you guys doing here?" Hitomi asked. "You're not dead!"

"Yes, we _aaaaare_…" Justin sang in his famous high-pitched voice.

"_Yesssss, weeee, aaaaare_…" the others chorused.

"UGH." Hitomi hurriedly plugged up her ears with her fingers to spare herself from going deaf. "I think I remember _why_ you guys died off. Later!"

"I…I'm Lance Bass." She heard Lance say softly as she ran like hell. She gasped and halted again as she met yet another group of familiar faces.

"Y-you're the Backstreet Boys!"

"No we are _not_!" Gatti huffed, insulted. "We're the Dragonslayers!" Chesta, Dallet, Guimel, and Viole nodded in agreement. Hitomi shrugged in apology.

"Oh, right. Sorry." She took off with a parting wave. Suddenly, through the crowd of people, she caught sight of a familiar spindly-legged, greasy-haired Fanelian King (and I'm _not_ talking about Folken!).

"Hey! My legs aren't spindly!" Folken protested, popping up like the plague. "And my hair is clean! I use Head and Shoulders! Haven't you seen how shiny and flake-free it is?"

_Smack_!

Get outta here, Folken! _Ahem_. The person Hitomi had spotted was indeed Van Fanel, walking in tandem with the large crowd around him. He had a similar depressed look plastered on his face, and didn't even seem to notice Hitomi, who struggled to catch up with him through the throng.

"Van! Vaaaan!" Hitomi gasped out and tried running faster. No good. It was like she wasn't even moving at all. "Dammit! Why can't I reach him?" She glanced down and saw she was running atop a whirring treadmill. "Oh." Hitomi quickly hopped off and sprinted after the King. "Vaaaaan! Wait up!"

Van ignored her, instead heading, with the others, to a strange white light off in the distance. Hitomi immediately knew the light was bad news.

"No, Van!" She called out desperately. "Haven't you seen 'Poltergeist'? 'Stay away from the light!', 'Don't go into the liiiight!'. The midget-lady said so, so _don't_!" Having finally caught up to him, Hitomi flung forth a hand to grab at Van and whupp his sorry ass, but instead of hitting warm flesh her hand passed right through him as he became transparent. "Hmm. That's odd. I don't remember you being a holographic image like the _first_ time I met you!"

Hitomi screamed as she fell forward into nothingness.

-Back in the Real World With the Others-

"Wheee!" Millerna laughed with glee as she swung Hitomi's limp body around in a twirl, the dress she'd crammed the girl into fluttering in the breeze. No-one had really protested (heck, Allen and Merle had cheered her on) about Hitomi's change in wardrobe, and Millerna was having a ball dancing with the psychic girl's lifeless body. "Oh, I do declare, Miss Hitomi! You are one sure-fire dancer! I think I may be fallin' for you! …Huh?" Millerna screeched to a halt and pressed her ear against Hitomi's modest bosom. "Uh-oh."

"What is it?" Allen asked, wiping the drool off his chin. Millerna pursed her lips and squinted her eyes.

"It stopped," she stated.

"What's stopped?" Gaddess inquired.

"Her thumpy-thump."

There was a brief silence.

"WHAAAAT?!" Everyone jumped up from their seats, panicked.

"You _mean_ it?" Merle asked hopefully.

"Don't just sit there!" Gaddess growled. "_Do_ something!"

"Okay!" Millerna agreed. "La la _laaaaaaa_!" She began twirling around some more with Hitomi's now _dead_ body.

"That's _not_ what I meant!"

-Back With Hitomi (Well, Her Spirit, I Guess)-

Hitomi's eyes snapped open. Ow. She closed them again. Great, where the _eff_ was she this time? In the Land of the Lost? Where was Shaka? Hitomi cautiously cracked open an eye (slowlier, yes that's a word, this time) and peered at her surroundings. She was lying on a large brick courtyard, surrounded by burbling fountains. Above her, she could see a beautiful blue sky and a shining sun. Hmm…this didn't seem so bad. The only question remaining was, how the hell had she gotten there?

"No more binge drinking," Hitomi promised herself, closing her eyes again and taking a breather. She was in yet another unknown world, with unseen dangers and pitfalls all around her. She just had to take it slow, be careful, and most importantly, _not_ freak out.

A shadow passed over Hitomi, scaring the bajeezus out of her.

"Eeeek! No means no, Allen!" She shrieked, rolling onto her back and kicking out above her where she roughly estimated his soft and sensitive balls would be. When her foot met nothing but air, confusion set in. "Huh?" Hitomi opened her eyes. She was alone.

Slowly picking herself up off the ground, Hitomi was finally able to see where she was. A sprawling city lay before her, bathed in sunlight that winked off shiny golden palaces and emerald ponds.

"Wha…where am I?" Hitomi asked herself. "Wait…am I _high_ again? For goodness sakes, I haven't even _smoked_ anything!" She stomped her foot and pouted before realizing who she looked like and forced herself to stop. "Well, at least I know this isn't heaven. There's no Mormans here."

Walking to a nearby balcony, Hitomi looked out over the beautiful city. She did a double-take as several winged people in light robes suddenly flew past her through the sky, some carrying groceries while others took their animals for walks (You can imagine how that would look. Poor things).

"Why is it that at times like these, I _always_ forget my camera?" Hitomi lamented. "Wait just one second! Winged people, huge city, air of disaster…this is the city of Atlantis! Holy crap! What am I doing _here_? And where the hell is _Van_?!"

Good question. He wasn't anywhere in sight. Hitomi scoured the city with her sharp gaze, searching for him. No, not there. Not at the gym either. Nor the arcade. Hmm…oh, wait! In the distance, Hitomi could see a huge green tree in the shape of a triangle on a raised plateau. There was something at the base of the trunk, but she couldn't quite make it out.

"Time to pull out the big guns," Hitomi thought grimly. "Psychic girl telescopic powers, activate!" Her eyesight immediately zoomed in and she was given a clear view of what was under the tree. Van was crouched over there, unmoving and most probably hiding from her. "A-ha! Found ya, you little bastard! Now how do I get over there?"

Hitomi turned and took off. She couldn't let him escape! She began running through the many streets and alleyways of the ancient metropolis, searching here and there for a path to the big tree in the distance. Lucky for her she was good at running. Several people handed her bottles of water as she went, which she doused over herself and then ran through a red strip of tape and celebrated with the crowd before remembering she had a date with Van's backside. So she ran off again and only stopped for a short break at a hot-dog vendor to get something to eat real quick.

"Yeah, no mustard, easy on the relish. Thanks." Hitomi snatched her snack away and made a run for it. The vendor was less than amused.

"Hey! You have to _pay_ for that!" He shouted after her.

"I need my money for counseling!" Hitomi shouted back over her shoulder at him. "Piss off!" She crammed the last of the food in her mouth and ran faster as she caught sight of some steps that would surely bring her to the base of the tree.

And it _did_! Wowie, the Unseen Forces must have been on her side that day! Arriving at the top of the stairs, Hitomi paused to catch her breath and saw Van. He hadn't even moved! She scowled and glanced around. The huge tree was situated on a large raised plateau, surrounded by green grass and several neat shrubberies. Hitomi ignored them and marched up to Van, who stayed in his fetal position and didn't move. She stood over him, hands on hips, waiting for a response.

"_Ahem_." Hitomi tried to get his attention. Nothing. "_AHEM_." Still nothing. "Van, quit being a bastard and get up! We're leaving!" She bonked him on the head, hard. He didn't even flinch.

Oh, crap. That wasn't a good sign. Hitomi gulped nervously and decided to switch tactics.

"Van?" She asked softly, with a much sweeter tone than before. "Let's go." She squatted down in front of him and continued. "Everyone's waiting. Merle, and Allen, and Millerna…and…and _me_, Van." Here her voice began filling with emotion, her cheeks heating up as words came unbidden. "I'm waiting for you, too. I…I care a lot about you, you know? So…so come on, okay? …Hmm?" She leaned forward and cocked her head as she heard a strange noise coming from Van. It sounded vaguely like…

_SNORING_! The dumb-ass was asleep! Hitomi got a good look at his face and indeed, he was. His eyes were closed, jaw slack, the first vestiges of drool forming in the corner of his mouth.

"You son of a bitch!" Hitomi roared, slapping him soundly across the face to rouse him (and teach him a lesson, the unfeeling bastard).

_KA-BOOOOOM!_

Holy crap, what was that?! Hitomi squealed in fright as the ground suddenly shook and she fell backwards onto her rump. Ow! Not _again_! Around her, the sky quickly changed from lovely blue to blood red, and fires began popping up all over the capital. Hot cinders blew in the wind, making the very air boil with heat.

"That wasn't me!" Hitomi said lamely, watching the city get destroyed.

Draconians flew about in the skies, trying desperately to escape the inferno, but were swiftly burnt to a crisp by the roving pillars of fire. Buildings crumbled all over, stone collapsing onto the ground into great heaps. More chaos ensued all around.

"Hey! I've seen this before!" Hitomi jumped up from her seat and gaped in awe. "This is from horribly violent vision #23! Which shows Atlantis getting destroyed! I _knew_ this looked familiar!" Hitomi wasted no time and whirled around to grab hold of Van's arm. "Van! Now's not the time for sleeping! Get up! I'm not stickin' around here for the fireworks! Let's go already!"

No good. No amount of yelling, pushing, pulling (or slapping) could rouse the slumbering King. Hitomi's mind wandered a bit, and she began wondering if there was an alternate solution to waking him up. She discarded it right after, though.

"Oh, _hells_ no! I am _not_ kissing him!" Hitomi narrowed her eyes and tugged harder on Van's arm.

Around the two, the very plateau they were on began crumbling and breaking apart. Hitomi gulped.

"That's not good." Smoke from the fires clogged her lungs, and the ground continued to shake as more of the garden broke apart. Hitomi shrieked in fear and clutched Van as the last of the plateau shattered, leaving them stranded at the base of the tree with no way off. Hitomi wrapped her arms around Van, pressing his face into her chest. "This oughta wake him up!"

-Back With Millerna and Others-

"Oh, you're so _pretty_!" Millerna cooed, applying another layer of ruby-red lipstick to Hitomi's makeup-caked face. The Austurian Princess had pulled out her handy-dandy makeup kit and was having a field day on Hitomi's defenseless countenance. She now looked like a ten-cent whore, and the dress had been switched to a much more revealing lingerie. Allen was almost dying from ecstasy.

"It's been three minutes!" Gaddess pointed out. "We should try and help her!"

"I think she looks _fine_." Allen glared daggers and swords at his second-in-command, daring him to try and stop the show.

"If she dies, how are you going to score with her?" Gaddess asked, raising an eyebrow. Allen's mouth opened, but no sound came out.

Oh. _Crap_.

"Alright, Millerna! That's enough! Let's help Hitomi now!" Allen hopped up. When his chances of scoring diminished, _then_ it was a problem.

"Oh, she's _fine_!" Millerna scoffed at them, then turned back to Hitomi's body. "More blush, my dear?"

"Aaaaaugh! I can't stand it anymore!" Merle yowled angrily, shoving past everyone to get to Hitomi. "I need someone to fight with! Hitomi, wake up this instant! Wake uuuuuup!" The frenzied cat-girl seized hold of Hitomi's body and shook it like a rag doll, then slapped it silly. "Are you listening to me? Wake up, and bring Lord Van with you! Save Lord Vaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"

-Aaaaand Back to Hitomi's Spirit Again-

"Save Lord Vaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"

"Huh?" Hitomi's head jerked up as a horrifyingly familiar voice drifted down to her ears. "_Oy_. I had hoped I'd escaped from that nightmare, but I guess _nowhere_ is safe." She looked up and saw a sparkling light winking high up among the branches of the tree. "Dammit, Merle! What the hell do you want _now_?!"

"Come back, stupid!" The disembodied voice answered. The sparkling light expanded and reached down until it became…the good ol' Beam of Light!

"Oh, hey! It's you!" Hitomi exclaimed with pleasure. "Long time, no see, Beam of Light! How are you? And the kids? Oh, hang on. We have to fall to our deaths now. Eeeeeeeek!"

The last of the platform gave way and Hitomi and Van plummeted downward. The reliable Beam of Light still glowed around them protectively, but they still fell regardless. Huge boulders fell with them, but Hitomi grappled with Van's unresponsive body as she refused to give up.

"Vaaaaan! Fly, damn you! Fly! How do you make these things come out?!" She pulled him close so she could beat at his back, inadvertently pressing his face into her chest.

"Hmm…so….soft…" Van stirred and slowly came to. "Whoa, where am I- OHMYGOSHBOOBIES!"

"Yeeek!" Hitomi squealed, face red, and smacked Van upside the head. His wings immediately burst from his back, shredding yet another of his precious L.L. Bean shirts as they appeared.

"_There_ they are!" Hitomi sighed in relief.

"No, my shirt!" Van sobbed. "These things are expensive! Especially when you want them all identical!"

Below the two plummeting heroes, lava boiled and bubbled, hungrily devouring all debris that fell into its molten pool. Wait, lava? What the hell is _lava_ doing there? They near Mount _Doom_ or something? Never mind. Van quickly picked up on the situation and so, his wing unfurling, began beating at the air and gaining altitude.

"Hey, hold on to me, jackass!" Hitomi snarled, keeping a tight hold on Van's pants. "You almost dropped me!"

"Watch where you're grabbin, lady!" Van shot back, wings still pumping as they flew upward. "Gurgh! Lose some weight already!"

"At least he's back to normal now," Hitomi sighed.

-Back in the Real World (And I Don't Mean the Dumb One on MTV)-

Back in the real world, the Escaflowne's dull grey Energist began glowing pink once again, and the inky black paint faded away to its usual white. Hooray! In a puff of steam, the melef's front hatch creaked open, finally releasing its reluctant pilot from his metal prison.

"I liiiiiive!" Van moaned, slowly sitting up out of the melef, eyes wide and arms extended. …What a dork. "I learned that from my brother! Awgh!" He cried out as an apple suddenly flew through the air and connected with his head with a satisfying _bonk_. Van was not pleased. "Okay, who throws a freaking apple? I mean, _really_."

Nearby, Hitomi groaned and also came to. She sat up, dazed.

"Huh…? What's going on?" Hitomi slowly lifted a hand and touched her cheek. It came away bright red. "Wh…what's on my _face_?" She looked down. "And what the hell am I _wearing_?!"

"Lookin' hot, Hitomi!" Van said with a suggestive whistle.

"Shut up, butt-munch!"

"Gee, _they're_ fine." Gaddess sighed.

_Slap_!

"Ow!" Hitomi fell back, clutching her cheek in pain. "What the heck did you do that for?!"

"I'm just making sure!" Merle protested innocently. Hitomi glared at her but let it go with a warning.

"I'm awake, alright? So back off. Now, can someone tell me where-"

_Slap_!

"I SAID KNOCK IT OFF!" Hitomi roared and flung herself at Merle, who hissed a challenge. The two began spitting and snarling, scratching and pulling each other's hair. Everyone laughed as Allen cheered them on.

"Oh, yes! YES! Tear each other's clothes off! Roll in the mud! Yes!"

-On a Zaibach Floating Jellyfish-

Far, far away, on a Zaibach Floating Jellyfish hovering in the sky, Dilandau Albatou stood beneath his docked Alseides unit on a small catwalk, looking down at the brown earth far beneath him.

"You're all losers…" He said softly, twirling the rose he held in his hand. "Guimel, Dallet, Chesta, Viole, Gatti, Miguel, that one guy whose name I can't remember, and the other guy who I punched that one time. Where's the glory of dieing against that idiot King?" Sighing, he threw the red rose over the side of the ship, watching it float down into the fluffy white clouds below. Awww…that's…so sweet. Maybe Dilandau's had a change of heart, and he won't be such a bastard now. Maybe he'll even-

"Caw!" A seagull (yes, seagulls caw!) swooped out of nowhere and snatched up the falling rose, bringing the sappy scene to a screeching halt and ruining the tender moment.

"_HEY_!" Dilandau exploded, leaning over the rail so he could scream at the bird. "You mother-_bleep_ing bird! What the _bleep_ is wrong with you?! You ruined my _bleep_ing heartfelt goodbye to my _bleep_ing loser Dragonslayers! _Bleep bleepin' bleeeeeep_!"

Okay, forget it. Dilly hasn't changed one bit.

"Just you wait!" Dilandau shouted after the disappearing animal, shaking his fist. "I'll get you for this! Damn _bleep_ing bird…" He leaned back so he wouldn't fall over the railing in his rage and took several deep breaths to quell his fury.

Suddenly, a vision entered Dilandau's mind out of the blue. It was of a little girl with golden hair cut short, huddled in a darkened room and sobbing her eyes out.

"Don't leave me alone!" The girl wailed.

"What the?!" Dilandau jerked back in surprise. Who the hell was that kid, and why was he seeing her?

"Don't leave me alone!" The girl said again, crying even harder.

"Shut up, brat!" Dilandau snapped, as he had no patience for children. "Dammit, now there's _two_ people who have freakish visions. This isn't _fair_!" His legs suddenly gave way and Dilandau fell to his knees, gripping the cold railing and panting heavily. "Need…happy pills! Urrgh!" He gagged and clutched his mouth before falling over onto his side.

-Inside the Same (?) Floating Jellyfish-

"God must hate me," Folken decided as he stood for what seemed like the thousandth time before the blurry image of his master, the great and powerful Emperor Dornkirk. When he'd joined Zaibach years ago in his youth (not to say he's old or anything, just when he wasn't all emo), it really hadn't been all that bad. No-one made fun of his metal arm or vampire-wannabe attire, and Dornkirk had actually been _serious_ about his worldly exploits. Now, years later, foot soldiers snickered as he passed in the halls and Folken had to pray to everything he considered holy for at least three intelligent sentences for Dornkirk during their meetings, which he had come to dread. Perhaps now would be a good time to hand in his resignation. Or take a vacation. He sure as hell needed a Bahama-vention.

"With the total ass-kick of Freid," Dornkirk was saying, "The power spot is ours! Jackpot! However…" He paused dramatically, and Folken felt his meager hopes flutter to life a little. "I need a new Nintendo DS!"

"Don't you mean the _Dragon_, my Lord?" Folken prompted with a wind-gusting sigh as he felt the last of his hopes commit suicide.

"Hmm?" Dornkirk pursed his lips. "Oh, yeah. That too, I guess. But the DS first! The fate of the Dragon is shrouded in mist, but meesa wants mah Sexual Chocolate back! Yes'm, I does!"

"You want your _what_ back?"

"Oh, uh…" Dornkirk groped around for an answer. "Just go out and find one, okay? Maybe one of those new pink ones, and- oh! Oh! Get a Spongebob carrying case, will you? I love that little guy. …Aaaand you can get the Dragon, too, if you've got time left over or whatever."

"Leave it to me." Folken nodded, accepting his fate rather than fighting it. Oh, not that he hadn't tried. He had the mental scars to prove it. "My next plan is already in motion."

"Wheee!" Dornkirk squealed in delight, his long white hair swishing around his weathered face. "Gettin' a new DS, gettin' a new DS!" He began trying to dance and wiggle about in glee, but that only led to disaster.

_Crack_!

"Awgh! I think I just threw my back out!"

"Not my problem!" Folken hurried from the room quick as he could so he wouldn't have to help pop the old man's spine back into place.

-Back on Dryden's Airship-

It was the dead of night on Gaea, and Dryden and his crew had taken advantage of the darkness and hidden themselves in the deepest crevices of a rocky valley. Allen didn't mind at all – in fact, he'd nearly hugged the rich merchant when he'd heard where they were staying for the night. Inside the large vessel, Van was practicing with his blade, or at least _attempting_ to, since he sucked so much. Let's just call it "Van swinging around his sword and trying not to impale himself at the same time', shall we?

Van held out his gleaming royal sword, standing in a defensive position and pulling back smoothly. The blade glinted dangerously, and suddenly the horrible, bloody images of the grisly deaths of the Dragonslayers flickered in front of his eyes like a nightmare.

"Gawgh! Gosh-darnit!" Van spun around and kicked the humming projector away, bringing a stop to the violent images and fuming inwardly. Allen had probably done it and was now giggling to himself in the shadows somewhere, the bastard. Van didn't have time for his childish games. Holding his sword up close, he muttered, "Why is it…that I shake when I hold my sword?"

"Cause you're a wuss." The Escaflowne's voice drifted in from the air-vents. "And why are you talking all funny?"

"Shut up!" Van punched the air-vent savagely. "I'm just trying something new!"

"I suggest not being a loser."

"Dude, I _will_ go in there and eff you up!"

"I'm all the way down in the Guymelef hangar. What're you gonna do? You won't even be angry anymore by the time you reach me."

"Oh, you wanna bet?"

"Van…" Hitomi watched the Fanelian King pummel the air-vent (of all things) and have a conversation with himself. Damn, he needed help. She was peeking in through the doorway, worried again about Van, even more so after seeing him and his 'imaginary friend' go at it. If only she could help…

_Pinch_!

"Eeeeeek!" Hitomi squealed like a pig stuck with a needle and clapped her hands onto her smarting rear. Whirling around, she came face to face with (who else?) Allen Schezar. "What the hell do _you_ want?!"

"Listen, toots," Allen said soothingly. "Don't you worry a bit about Van."

"But…" Hitomi protested, rubbing her backside. "He's been even more of a loser than _ever_ since his last fight."

"This is a trial," Allen said coolly (or at least he _tried_ to sound cool), "that must be overcome by _all_ swordsman." There was an awkward pause, followed by a muffled giggle. Allen glared as Hitomi struggled not to burst out laughing.

"That was _so_ lame," she whispered between chuckles.

"Shh! I'm talking here!" Allen pouted before continuing. "I used to be a loser, like him-"

"_Used_ to?" Hitomi muttered.

"Ababaa!" Allen held up a finger and gave Hitomi a warning look. "As I was saying, vanity and arrogance can draw you into a haze of fear-"

"And still do." Hitomi couldn't help herself. He was practically _handing_ her the insults on a golden platter.

"Will you _listen_ already?!" Allen huffed and stomped his foot. "Look, if you keep quiet and don't interrupt anymore, I won't hit on you for…the rest of the day. Deal?"

"_Deal_!" Hitomi nodded enthusiastically.

"Alright then. Flashback tiiiiime!"

-Wheee! It's Flashback Time!-

"Are you the boy who's been picking fights with swordsmen lately, and getting his ass kicked?" A huge hulking man in a red cape asked.

"Well what's it to ya, big boy?" The other, much smaller man retorted. "You want some of this hot fire?"

The two men were facing off against each other in the wooden innards of a dimly-lit forest, accompanied by the chirping of birds, bugs, and small animals.

"Leave all your money and step back!" The smaller man ordered. "There's a sweet new pair of boots at the store and I have _got_ to buy them!" Hey, he sounds kinda familiar… "Maybe _then_ I'll consider sparing your life!"

"Eesh. You really have _no_ skill," the large man grumbled as he watched the other struggle to unsheathe his blade. After a few long minutes of grappling, the small man was finally able to jerk it free and then hold it in front of him threateningly…upside down.

"Gosh-darnit!"

"My, my. How you remind me of _another_ little brat who sucks at swords." The large man shook his head sadly at the sight. He sighed and swiftly drew forth his own weapon. "Now, tell me your name!"

"It's Allen!" The small man declared, now having righted his blade and holding it gingerly since he'd cut his hands. "Allen Schezar!" Indeed, it was Allen, albeit a bit younger. His hair wasn't as long (or shiny), and he wore a blue cape and a plain tunic. Thank goodness he didn't have his puffy sleeves (Ohhh but he _will_).

"Hi-yaaaah!" Allen charged forward with a shriek, apparently thinking his foe would just stand there like a boulder as he came charging toward him. The large man rolled his eyes, exasperated, and easily swatted Allen away like a fly. He went flying (hah) to the side, hit a nearby tree with the force of a wrecking-ball, and then slooooowly slid down to the ground. "_Ow_."

"Wuss." The large man snorted. He put his sword away, as there was obviously nothing to fear from the arrogant little upstart, and marched up to the prone Allen and jabbed him with one hard boot. "Man, you really _do_ suck. No technique whatsoever!"

"Eeeek!" Allen nearly burst into tears and cowered away from the sky-scraper of a man. "Please don't rape me! Or mess up my hair! Please, not the hair! _Anything_ but that!"

"Wha…I'm not gonna hurt you kid, geez!" The large man scowled as light from the sky finally passed over his face, revealing it. Hey, wait! Grizzled hair, scars on the face…it's Balgus! Where's his twenty-foot sword? Does he not have it yet (Ohhh but he _will_)?

"Please don't kill me!" Allen whined. "I have no home or family! My life and my amazingly hot looks are all that I have going for me!"

"Alright, alright!" Balgus growled and rubbed between his eyes. "Calm down, I wasn't planning on killing you. Listen to me. Swordsmanship isn't all about technique or strength. What's important comes…from deep within your _heart_."

An awkward silence settled over the area. Birds shut their beaks, the wind held its breath, even the crickets halted in their annoying chirps. Everything was deathly silent.

"Dude," Allen stated. "That was so gay, even _I'm_ embarrassed."

"S-shut up!"

_Whack_!

-Okay! Flashback's Oveeeer!-

"And that's how I met my master, Balgus!" Allen finished explaining. Hitomi was trying her hardest to keep her eyes open and not drool all over her top. "He showed me the way of being a hot, sexy Knight that all the ladies wanted a piece of! But…I'm still not even _close_ to mastering his skill."

"You don't say?" Hitomi just couldn't resist.

"Nya-ha! You interrupted!" Allen shouted and jabbed a finger at Hitomi, who immediately jumped awake.

"W-what? No I didn't! You were done!" Hitomi protested.

"Did I _say_ I was?" Allen asked, cocking an eyebrow. "The deal's off, honey-cakes! Come here!" He started toward her, arms outstretched.

"Son of a…!" Hitomi backed away, mind reeling for a plan. Kick him in the crotch? No, he'd be expecting that. Flash him and make a run for it while he was stunned? No, it'd probably just make him hornier (if that were even _possible_). Oh, wait! She had it! "Allen," she sputtered, "you're so amazing!"

"Hmm?" Allen screeched to a halt and mulled this over. "Why…yes. Yes, I am."

"And so strong!" Hitomi went on.

"Yes, that too." Allen smiled to himself.

"And nice!" Hitomi continued, flattering the man silly. "Look, I don't know anything about swords, and I don't think that idiot Van would listen to anything I said other than 'you can touch my chest', but I'm sure he'd listen to _you_, Allen! You're terrific, and everyone looks up to you!"

"They do, don't they?" Allen declared, puffing out his chest proudly and beaming like a lamp. "Alright! I'll do it!"

"Success! Later, Allen!" Hitomi dashed off before Allen could realize she'd managed to divert his attention away from molesting her to helping Van not be such a wimp. Poor Van. Or poor Allen?

-In Dryden's Study Room-

Somewhere deep in the interior of the airship, Dryden sat hunched over, a book on his lap, his clutter-filled study dark and gloomy. The rich merchant muttered to himself, flipping through a book and rubbing his stubbly chin thoughtfully.

"The creepy power of Hitomi, the girl from the Messed-up Moon. Van, in whose veins flows the blood of the Draconians, and Zaibach, which is after the power spot. Very strange occurrences happening, one after the other…dammit!" Dryden lost his temper and hurled his book away from, a steamy, annoyed look on his face. "I am _so_ gonna fail this test!"

"Kinda like how you're failing mine!" Princess Millerna commented as she waltzed in, holding a small tray of refreshments.

"What test?" Dryden asked, curious.

"The _loooooove_ test!" Millerna answered.

"…Huh?"

"You need to be more patient, like Allen!" Millerna explained.

"…The man couldn't wait the _five_ seconds it took for the automatic doors to open. He kicked them _down_. Or _tried_ to, anyway."

"_Exactly_!" Millerna placed her tray on a nearby table and faced her fiancée. "Here! I made this for you, as thanks!"

"Uh, you didn't _have_ to…" Dryden dubiously eyed the pulsating heap of goop on the plate, which he suspected had retained a heartbeat, and…good god! Was that _engine_ oil in the cup? This wasn't thanks, she was trying kill him! "Um, for what, again?"

"Isn't it obvious? I came to apologize about my manners because I was wrong about you!" Millerna walked closer and smiled warmly.

"How about a kiss instead?" Dryden asked with a smirk, standing up and replacing the book he'd thrown back to its proper place on the bookshelf. "Or a slap. I really don't care. Seriously. Just as long as it isn't that food. _Please_."

"Look," Millerna went on, oblivious. "You're very handsome and smart and stuff, but…but…"

"Yeah, yeah." Dryden sighed and selected a different tome to flip through. "You've still got it bad for that pansy Allen, huh? Well, never mind. I always get what I want, and what I want right now is-"

"Oooh! What's this sparkly thing?" Millerna wasn't even listening. Dryden, however, wasn't one to give up easily.

"Pay attention, Milly." He strode up and took the sparkly thing away from her. She whimpered but looked at him. "Maybe there _is_ something you could do for me."

"Oh…okay!" Millerna nodded, then frowned. "Wait. You don't want me to do something dirty, do you? Because I'm not down with that!"

"Uh…of course not!" Dryden cursed to himself and tucked his pocket-sized Kama Sutra away. "Look, this is my late father's final logbook." He held up a thick, battered-looking book.

"Uh, I'm not good with books." Millerna admitted. "Unless its got lots of pretty pictures in it!"

"Oy. Forget I asked." Dryden could feel a migraine coming on. This was gonna be tough.

-Later-

Outside the airship, moths fluttered softly against the glowing lamps, attracted to the soft, warm light. Inside, something much different was taking place.

"Here! This is the last of the journals left in my bastard father's study." Allen, a sour expression plastered on his mug, held out a dusty book.

"Woohoo! Awesome! Lemme see!" Dryden leaped forward and snatched the book from Allen's hand, flipping it open and poring over the contents. "Okay, porn, porn, porn, _more_ porn." He paused and raised an eyebrow at Allen, smiling cheesily. "Like father like son, eh?" He turned back to the book as Allen rolled his eyes. "Porn, porn, _here_ we go!"

"Is something like that really useful?" Millerna asked.

"To you, no. To me, yes." Dryden snapped the book shut and gently pushed her out of the way. "This may solve the mystery that's at the very heart of all this!"

"Mystery?" Allen repeated. Dryden looked back over his shoulder and winked.

"Starts with an 'A', ends with an 'S'!" He hinted.

There were blank stares all around.

"…Has a 'tlanti' in the middle?" Dryden continued.

"Astronauts?" Milly blurted out.

"Ass!" Allen shouted.

"No! _Atlantis_!" Dryden gave up.

"Ohhhhh!" Millerna and Allen both chorused. "You should have just _said_ so!"

"My old man used to tell me about your father, searching for the secret treasure of Atlantis," Dryden tossed over his shoulder as he turned away.

"Wait!" Allen protested, confused. "I thought my father only searched for _booty_!"

"I'm gonna borrow this for a bit, kay?" Dryden waved and escaped. He already felt dumber from having spent so much time with the two air-heads.

"Millerna, that guy's a loser!" Allen said angrily, not caring that Dryden was still within earshot. "He's embarrassing me! Can't you make him stop?"

"I know, Allen!" Millerna cooed, comforting him. "But it's a bargain for what he paid for the Escaflowne's repair job! What else are we supposed to pay him with? My body?"

"Yes!" Allen stated matter-of-factly.

"Why you!"

_Slap_!

-A Bit Later, With Hitomi-

Hitomi heaved and puked up the last contents of her churning stomach over the windowsill, watching it fall and splat on the rocky gorge far below. _God_, she felt sick. Having sucked up that much to Allen really nauseated her.

"Oh…_urgh_…I can't believe I said all those _things_ to him…" Hitomi whimpered and clutched her stomach. "I said he was terrific, and…and…_Huuuurgh_!" She was leaning over the edge once again, wishing she hadn't eaten so much that morning. "Oh _god_, I think that was my liver…" Hitomi panted and pressed her hot forehead against the cool stone of the sill. "I gotta avoid him for awhile. If I see him again, I just _know_ I'll hurl."

"Hitomiiii!" Princess Millerna sang, flouncing in.

"Oh, crap. _Blaaaargh_!" Aaaaand out the window again.

"Ewwww!" Millerna made a face. Hitomi didn't care.

"Whaddaya want, Millerna?" Hitomi snapped as her dry-heaves relented. "Can't you see I'm a little busy?"

"Well…" Millerna fiddled with her dress, looking nervous. "I was wondering if I could ask your opinion about…about a friend of mine!"

"Oh…?" Hitomi blinked. Millerna, asking her opinion on something? This was new. "Uh, okay."

"Hmmm?" Below the two women, hidden in the shadow of the staircase, Merle's ears twitched as her nosey senses tingled. Time to eavesdrop!

"Alright! Her name is, uh…" Millerna screwed up her face. "Hillerna! Yes, her name is Hillerna!"

"Okay…" Hitomi turned around, listening now.

"And she's a Princess of, um, Hasturia!" Millerna continued.

"Mmm-hmm."

"Anyway, she has a boyfriend named…er…Hallen!" Millerna simpered and went starry-eyed. "And Hallen's so wonderful and handsome and sweet! But, she found out he's really a total man-whore, and he's _even_ some girls baby-daddy!"

"Whoa! What a pig!" Hitomi stuck out her tongue is disgust.

"Don't you talk that way about Hallen!" Millerna snapped. Hitomi was taken aback. "Oh, er, I mean, just listen!"

"Yeah, sorry." Hitomi shrugged but kept her comments to herself.

"This girl, Hillerna, she met another man who's really rich, and smart, and has a totally _hot_ ass! He even told me, I mean _her_, that he loves her!"

"Hah! Talk about obvious!" Merle grumbled to herself, listening in. "Come on Hitomi, you're not _this_ stupid!"

"_And_?" Hitomi prompted.

"Well, it's just…" Millerna hesitated. "What do you think I, er, _she_ should do?"

"Hmm…lemme see…" Hitomi leaned against the windowsill and tapped her lower lip in thought. "If I found out _my_ boyfriend had a kid while I was going out with him, I'd take a rusty pair of scissors and chop off his ba-"

"What?! Why?!" Millerna gasped in horror.

"Because he's a man-whore, that's why!"

"Yes, but he's a wonderful man! And a great kisser!" Millerna pointed out.

"Yeah, but isn't the other guy, too?" Hitomi asked with a smirk.

"Uh…" Millerna slowly turned a soft shade of pink. "I wouldn't know."

"And he can give her love _and_ money! Talk about lucky! Cha-ching!" Hitomi giggled. "Then it's obvious _he's_ the one!"

"No, it can't be!" Millerna refused to believe it.

"Then she could be like the man-whore and go out with both of them!" Hitomi suggested, winking and flashing a peace sign.

"Then I, uh, _she'd_ be a whore!"

"Well, on the other hand…" Hitomi turned and gazed out the window. "She could just go the other way and become a lesbian! Nothing wrong with that, huh?"

"Are…are you trying to seduce me?!" Millerna took a step back in shock. Hitomi just laughed.

"Okay, sorry. I was just kidding."

"What about the special feelings she already has for one of them?" Millerna asked, still not done.

"I guess that's the problem, huh?" Hitomi blew out her cheeks. "I guess she should go with her feelings, her gut instinct!"

"My gut instinct tells me I need to fart," Millerna muttered under her breath.

"Look, do you want me to do one of my psychic readings for her?" Hitomi looked back at the Princess. "To see which one is best for her? I'm really good at it!"

"I used to think you were pretty stupid, Hitomi," Merle cut in rudely, "but gawd-dang you are flipping re-_TARDED_!" The pissy cat-girl was standing on the railing of the stairs, glaring down at the two surprised girls before her. "Who cares about your creepy-ass readings! Before being Doctor Phil for everyone around you, how about giving yourself a sit down and sorting out your _own_ feelings first?"

"Huh?!" Hitomi turned and planted her hands on her hips in a challenging gesture. "What're you taking about, brat? Quick, Millerna! Let's push her down the stairs and hope she breaks her neck!"

"You've got to choose!" Merle ordered. "Which guy do you like? Van, or Allen?"

"Wh-what?" Hitomi reeled backward. Millerna gasped.

"You _whore_!" She smacked the psychic girl before she could say anything in her defense.

"Ow! It's not like that!" Hitomi protested, nursing her injured cheek.

"Then was is it, huh?" Millerna barked.

"Doodily doodie doo!" The Moleman sang innocently as he skipped unsuspectingly up the stairway. Imagine his surprise when he looked up to find three enraged women nearly burning each other with their smoldering glares. "Uh…hey ladies, what's shaking?" The searing gazes immediately turned his way. _Uh_-oh.

"PISS OFF!" The girls roared, shoving him down the stairs. The Moleman rolled violently down nearly ten flights of stairs, screaming and swearing all the way, until he finally reached the bottom with a crash and began moaning quietly in agony.

"So, who is it?" Merle ignored the cries of anguish and faced Hitomi, who blushed.

"Look, I don't really like either of them right now! Allen's such a horny bastard-"

"What?!" Millerna gasped.

"And Van's so much of a pansy-"

"_What_?!" Merle hissed.

"So neither of them appeal to me at this time!" Hitomi finished.

"You just stay away from Van, you home-wrecker! Understand?" Merle snarled.

"And Allen's _way_ out of your league!" Millerna shot in.

"You…you bitches!" Hitomi burst into tears. "Just leave me alone!" She streaked down the stairs, trod on the still-twitching Moleman, and rushed away to cry by herself.

-Outside the Airship-

In the dark, rocky valley outside Dryden's hidden airship, two sexy figures sat watching their prey atop shadowed, equally sexy Guymelefs (yes, it is possible for Guymelefs to be sexy. Or am I just weird?).

"That's it, isn't it sister?" The first figure asked. She was a pretty silver-haired cat-girl, wearing a skin-tight light blue body suit.

"I can't believe we found these idiots here. We sure are lucky, huh?" The other responded with a laugh. She was a mirror image of her sister, with the only difference being her hair was golden.

"Let's introduce ourselves and get a present for Lord Folken! Like…like some happy pills or something. He's been really depressed lately."

"How about some catnip? That always makes _me_ happy."

"Enough! Let's go!"

The two lithe girls jumped up and swung smoothly into their melefs, which were dark grey, with large shoulders and spiked hair that matched their pilots. As the melefs ground into action, foreboding violin music began playing (not like anyone was listening, though). The twin melefs leapt into the air and plummeted straight for the Austurian airship.

Two men were at the helm, having a very inappropriate conversation.

"And so then I told _that_ whore she could kiss my-" One was saying.

_Crash_!

"Oh god! It's my wife!" The man shrieked and clutched the helm in panic. "She's here to kill me! Help me! Help meeeee!"

"Hi boys!" The two sexy melefs pressed their faces against the glass of the front of the ship, leering down at the two frightened men.

"…That's your wife?" The other man asked in a quavering voice.

"Of course that isn't! Shut up!"

"There's a Guymelef named Escaflowne in here, right?" One of the melefs asked. "Send it out. That a-hole PROMISED he'd call!"

"_What_?" The other melef snarled. "He said he'd call _me_!"

"You slut!" The two melefs began yowling and scratching at each other with their metal claws, squabbling like five-year olds. The men in the helm watched, unable to pull their eyes away from the strange display.

"Uh, oh. _Love_ triangle." One murmured.

"Yeah." The other agreed. "What a couple of dumb bim-"

"_Send him out, now_!" Both sisters screeched, shooting Crima claws through the glass of the deck, shattering it into pieces and making them shower like rain.

"Alright! Alright!" The men squealed and ran.

"Boss!" Reeden slammed the door open, panic set in his face, intent on-

Kio sat on the toilet, pants around his ankles and an open newspaper in his hands.

"Oops. Wrong room. Sorry." Reeden coughed.

"_OOOOOOUUUUUUT_!" Kio flung the roll of toilet paper at the spry man who nimbly dodged it and ran off. "Geez, that son of a…oh crap! I needed that! _Dammit_!"

"Boss?" Reeden carefully cracked the door open and peeked inside. Allen and the rest of the crew stared at him, identical looks of confusion on their faces.

"…What are you _doing_?"

"Nothing. I've got bad news again, that's all." Reeden growled, punching the door to the room open all the way. "Boss, there are some sexy Zaibach Guymelefs outside!"

"Sexy, you say?" Allen cocked an eyebrow, suddenly interested. "Not as sexy as _Sherry_, I'll bet!"

"Van! Get back here, we've been through this like, five times already!" Hitomi hollered.

"Stop, Lord Van!" Merle added. Despite their protests, Van moved the Escaflowne and jumped out of the airship.

"Hmm? Whuzzat? Sorry, I can't hear ya!" Van called back tauntingly. "I'm too busy going to kick some _ass_!" The Escaflowne quickly transformed into Dragon mode. "_Traaaaansformers_!" Van sang, once again bringing out his dusty cowboy and placing it atop his head.

"Wow, I'm impressed, kid." The Escaflowne admitted. "You don't even barf anymore when we do that."

"I know!" Van said proudly.

Back on the ship, Allen and his crew watched as Van took off in the Escaflowne.

"Look, Van went out!" Allen said happily, hopping up and down. "That means I don't have to, right? He'll take care of everything, okay? P-please! _Whimper_." He pawed at Gaddess's jacket, who shoved him away.

"_There_ he is!" One of the enemy melefs hissed as she looked up and spotted him. "Let's slice him to bits! No-one stands _us_ up!"

The two melefs transformed into their own form of flying mode, with them lying horizontal and jet-pack thingies springing from their arms and propelling them forward with plumes of smoke. They flew toward Van, who was totally unprepared for their onslaught.

"Whoa! Who're they?" Van wondered.

"Hey, wait…" the Escaflowne grumbled, remembering. "Aren't they the ones that I…oh, _SHIT_."

The two melefs shot upward past Van and his ride, then deactivated their flight mode and plummeted back down, each seizing hold of one of the Escaflwone's wings and dragging it down with them.

"Why didn't you call?!" They screeched. "How dare you!!"

"I…I was going to, I swear!" The Escaflowne struggled to explain and get free at the same time. "I just…lost your numbers! Really!"

"Oh, please!" Van rolled his eyes. "Like they're gonna believe _that_!"

"You're not making this any better!"

Each of the girls suddenly let go of the Escaflowne's wings and darted off to the side, letting the white melef fall the last few feet and slam harshly onto the deck of Dryden's ship. It shook violently, almost making Hitomi fall off (well, so did Merle's vicious shove) but she just managed to catch herself in time. The Escaflowne groaned in pain and changed back in its normal melef mode, then slowly picked itself up.

"Oooouch. That one…hurt a little."

_Crash_!

One of the enemy melefs had crash-landed on the Escaflowne's back.

"Okay, that one hurt a _lot_."

"Mraaawr!" The melef hissed aloud and swiped at the other's face with its claws, scratching it.

"Not the face, you psycho bitch!" The Escaflowne hollered, trying to throw her off. Inside his melef, Van's own face dribbled blood from an identical cut.

"No! My handsome visage!" Van sobbed. "Wait…I'm acting like Allen! Euuugh!" With a few good thrashes, the leech finally came free, only to be replaced by another who struck from the front, pinning the Escaflowne down to the ground.

"Whoa, baby!" The melef jibed, "_Raawwr_!"

"Shut it!" The other screeched.

The Escaflowne quickly reached up, grabbing its blade and sweeping it forward for a quick decapitation. The enemy was quicker, however, and stopped the blow by grabbing the melef's wrist.

"...Huh?" Van gasped in surprise. Through his melef's visor slits, he could see into the innards of the one pinning him down. "It's a woman? And she's _hot_, too! Mee-_ow_!""

"What did you _think_ they were?" The Escaflowne snapped. "Look at their freaking melefs, for goodness sakes!"

"I…I just thought they were gay or something!" Van shrugged.

"Me, gay? _Hah_!" As the two grappled for the sword, the enemy melef sharply punched the other in the gut.

"Bgorf!" Van leaned to one side and briefly lost his lunch.

"I take back what I said earlier." The Esca muttered.

"Shut up and help me!"

"Fine." The Esca took a deep breath. "Time to get off, toots!" With a shove, she was off, and the Escaflowne stood up and held its blade threateningly at her. "Hah! I'm pretty hot, huh? _Gwaaagh_!" The other twin melef struck from behind and jerked him away from the vulnerable one, then they both jumped up and away. They landed perfectly in sync (Oh, god not again) several feet away and paused, regarding their prey. Van began losing it, his body trembling, his eyes widening, his teeth chattering.

"I…I can't do it!" He stuttered. "They're…totally gonna kick my ass!"

"Three…two…one…" The Escaflowne began a countdown.

"Aw…I just _peed_ myself…"

"Aaaand there it is!" The Escaflowne shook his head sadly.

"Hmph! What's wrong with him?" One sister asked with a purr.

"Hee hee! He's just a little scaredy-cat! Folken was right!" The other sister took a step forward, metal claws of the melef upraised. "Dilandau got pwned by _this_ kid?"

"Maybe it was a fluke," the first one suggested, "or those annoying Unseen Forces helped him out." Now the two sisters both began advancing on the still-shivering Van. "Let's finish this loser off!"

Suddenly, Merle popped outta nowhere (like she always manages to do) and planted herself directly in the two sister's path. She held up her arms defiantly and stood before the Escaflowne, shielding it. There was a short pause.

"What are you _doing_, kid? You think just because you're a cat-girl like us, we won't kill you?" The twin girls laughed. "Get out of the way! You can't stop us!"

"Oh, yes I can!" Merle said with a smirk. "Flashback tiiiime!"

"What did she say? AWGGGH!"

"Eeeeek!"

Both girls were whisked away to the magical world of flashbacks. The scene opened to show a large, muttering crowd gathered around two battered little cat-girls. They were twins, with one sporting golden locks while the other had silver. Gee, I wonder who they're supposed to be. Anyway, one stood in front of the other, shielding her in a way familiar to what Merle was doing at that moment. The flashback dissipated as quickly as it had begun.

"See?" Merle said smugly. "I won't let you hurt Lord Van!" She stuck her tongue out at the melefs and wiggled her ears tauntingly.

"Merle!" Van barked from behind her. "Stop makin' me look bad!" Inside, he was thinking; "Oh thanks the heavens I thought I was _done_ for!"

The two enemy melefs lowered their claws and backed off a bit.

"Damn, she's right. Stupid Unseen Forces."

"We'll get you next time, Esca. Later!" The two blew kisses at their enemy (who blushed), then turned and zoomed off in twin plumes of smoke.

"Whew!" Merle's legs finally gave out and she collapsed on the upper deck. "I can't believe that actually _worked_!" The hatch of the Escaflowne slid open and Van jumped out, hurrying over to Merle's side. "Oh, Lord Van!" Merle smiled and tried to hug him.

_Konk_!

"Ow! Lord Vaaaaan!"

"What were you _thinking_?!" Van growled. "You're really retarded sometimes!"

"Oh, Lord Van! Hold me!" Merle latched onto him before he could move away.

"Gawwgh! Let go of me!" Van tried prying her off to no avail.

"Merle…" Hitomi watched the somewhat moving display in front of her, hair and skirt blowing in the strong breeze of the canyon. She had climbed her way out to the upper deck through the window on her left.

"Hitomi!" Allen stuck his head out the window. "How is- _holymothereffingcrap_! P-p-p-panties!"

"Huh?" Hitomi blinked and looked down. "Oh, gosh-darn it! Stupid wind!" She angrily yanked her skirt down, much to Allen's displeasure.

-Meanwhile, Inside the Ship-

In the darkness of his study, Dryden giggled to himself. The airy chuckle quickly grew to a drawn-out maniacal laugh, which resounded in the small room and echoed off the walls.

"Uh, sir?" His attendant asked nervously. "Can't you control yourself?"

"It's…it's just…" Dryden laughed some more, wiping away the tears that filled his eyes. "Calvin and Hobbes!"

"…But what about that journal thing?"

"Eh?" Dryden pursed his lips and shrugged. "Oh, yeah. I've already figured it out. All the mysteries are hidden in the Messed-up Valley."

-Later-

Finally, morning had come (geez, another endless night, huh?) and the sun had just peeked its face over the rim of the distant horizon. Van, Hitomi, and Merle were out on a balcony admiring the view (Merle and Van more than Hitomi because she had to watch her back in case Merle tried anything funny again).

"The Messed-up Valley?" Hitomi asked.

"Yup." Van nodded, staring off at the horizon. "It's the legendary place where the Draconian are said to live."

"Wow, so it's like your home, G? Your hood?" Hitomi asked, flashing some gang signs.

_"…What_?" Van raised an eyebrow at her.

"Oh, forget it."

-Episode 15 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Yay, another one! I can't believe I actually got the time to do this. I _really_ should be studying for Geology (friggin _rocks_, man!) but eh, what the hell. I need to finish these fics. Hope you liked it! Later! Review, please!


	16. Episode 16: The Misguided Ones

Author's Note: Heeere we go. I finally got through my gauntlet of tests and guess what? Final's week is coming soon! Whee! _Siiiigh_. Ah, well. For some reason, I had a lot of fun writing this episode. I guess my funny was in full swing. Hope you like it! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 16

The Misguided Ones

Recap: Surprise! Van's being a loser again and refusing to come out of the black, evil Escaflowne. Figures. Hitomi doesn't really help the situation by yelling at him, but instead gets sucked into an evil, dead worldy place, much to Milly's delight. While the spoiled Princess plays with her unconscious body, Hitomi's spirit runs around and finds Van in the creepy place. Just as they meet, they're transported to the city of Atlantis, before KISS had a concert there and destroyed everything. Hitomi tries yelling again, but Van's acting like an autistic three-year old and refuses to budge. The city begins to crumble, but thanks to Merle's magical shrieks, they're both brought back to the real world before they burn to death in the lava. Meanwhile, on a Zaibach Floating Jellyfish, Dilly says goodbye to his deceased Dragonslayers before going into withdrawal for his happy pills. Folken also has another stupid talk with Dornkirk which accomplishes nothing. Back with the heroes, Allen talks about himself (_oy_) and reveals how he became such a loser and knew Balgus. Dryden gets a lead on the mystery of Atlantis for Allen's father's journal, and insults him to boot. Yay, Dryden! The three girls have a catfight over who gets Van and Allen, then two sexy cat-girls (like Merle, but aLOT less annoying) in sexy melefs attack and beat the snot out of Escaflowne for not calling them. Tough luck, playah! Dryden sets a course for the Messed-up Valley, where all the answers will be revealed. Whee! Let's go!

Somewhere, in a deep, dank valley blanketed in a thick fog, the sun shone dimly through the dreary haze like a lead ball. A single hand came into view and grasped at the stark cliff-face of the gorge, slowly pulling the owner of said appendage up with a grunt. Climbing all the way up the steep slope using brute strength alone was indeed an impressive feet, but it was nothing for…

Sylvester Stalone from _Cliffhanger_?! What the hell is _he_ doing here?!

"Habaabu fwubba woo!" Sylvester mumbled in his usual incomprehensible dialect. I mean, _seriously_. Who understands what that guy says? Luckily the movie star ignored my insult and instead reached up to grab a rock jutting from above his head for leverage. Too bad it's time for the story to move on.

"Get outta here!" A man barked, popping up out of nowhere and knocking Sylvester off his precarious perch. Having lost his grip, Sylvester fell down the gorge with one final parting cry.

"_Aaaadriaaaaaan_!"

"Hmph!" The strange man sniffed in disdain and took the place Sylvester had been occupying. Damn fool had been in his way. This new man had a funny moustache and was wearing traveling clothes, dirtied after much use. Hmm. Who could he be? The man, like Stalone, chose to ignore my comment and instead surveyed his situation. He was now gripping feebly at the side of the tallest, steepest, most dangerous-looking cliff-face he'd ever had the misfortune of being trapped on.

"Hmm…perhaps I should have rethought my plan a little more…" the man muttered to himself, then drew in a deep breath. "Don't fail me now, Unseen Forces!" He began clambering his way up the cliff, grunting and swearing under his breath as he went. Several barked knees and scraped hands later, he had finally reached the top and began heaving himself over the edge. "Nggggh! Finally! Wha…_AUUUUUUUGH_!"

The man jerked back in surprise as a bright, _familiar_ pillar of light shot down from the sky to the ground right in front of him. Uh, oh! As the man flung himself backwards to get away from the searing light, he inadvertently lost his grip and fell aaaaall the way down. Whoopsie!

-A Few Hours Later-

"Nggaaaaah! Almost…_there_!" The man had finally popped his dislocated limbs back into place and somewhat staunched his internal bleeding so he could once again climb up the tall cliff. Dragging himself over the edge, the man panted for breath and whimpered as he glanced at the bloody stumps that were left of his hands.

"Uh…hi." A young, cute girl with pigtails in a blue kimono (the girl, not the pigtails) and holding a pinwheel sat waiting at the top, a sheepish smile on her face. It was she the Beam o' Light had been transporting when it had come crashing down and scared the bajeezus out of the stranger. "Are you alright?"

"Oh, don't _even_!" The man growled.

-On a Zaibach Floating Jellyfish-

Somewhere in some craggy mountains, a Zaibach Floating Jellyfish hovered ominously in the morning sky. Inside, a rather serious conversation was taking place. If you could call it that.

"Did it go well?" Folken asked softly.

"Yessss…" the two cat-girls hissed in response. "You wanted extra cheese with green peppers and no olives, right?"

"I meant the attack, not the pizza!" Folken snapped, then took a bite of his lunch. "Although it is _eeeeexcellent_."

The three villains were inside the docking bay of the Jellyfish, where the two sexy melefs of the sisters were standing off to the side. Folken sat on a chair while the two girls knelt before him, giving their report.

"Yes, Lord Folken. All our training way completed successfully." The sisters answered for reals this time.

"Very good, girls." Folken took another slice of pizza and tossed the girls a rubber mouse as a reward. The two went nuts, snarling and hissing as they fought over the adorable, squeaking toy.

"Ooh! Mine!"

"No! Mine!"

"_Girls_!" Folken barked, getting annoyed.

"Yeep!" The two clammed up and faced their master again. After several awkward seconds, one of the sisters asked, "Could you tell us what happened to the Sorcerers that accompanied us here?" Folken grinned, suddenly unable to contain his bubbling happiness.

"They've come here to take Dilandau back with them," he explained. "I almost made out with one when they told me." The twins exchanged disturbed glances. "_What_?" Folken asked.

"Uh, nothing!"

"Anyway," Folken went on, "those Sorcerers seem to hate me for some reason. I wonder why?"

"Maybe because you're stealing their look," one sister muttered.

"Shh!" The other whispered before turning to Folken with a smile. "It's because they're jealous of you, Lord Folken!"

"Oh, uh, yeah! That's why!" The first one agreed.

"Naria, Eriya…" Folken said softly, then made a face. "I…forget which of you is which, but you mustn't say such things about Sorcerers. You see, I was one myself at one time."

"You don't say?" Naria asked, raising an eyebrow at his long, creepy coat and spiked mullet. Come ON. As if he was fooling _anyone_.

"What was that?"

"Um…cuddle time!" The girls quickly changed the subject and snuggled against their beloved lord, their heads propped against his knees and paws resting in his lap. Awww. That's actually kinda sweet.

"Watch the claws, ladies." Folken said, shifting uncomfortably. "I like my junk in one piece, okay?"

"Lord Folken, we missed you…" Eriya sighed.

"Thinking of the day we'd see you again is what sustained us." Naria added. The sisters snuggled closer. "Oh, Lord Folken…our bodies and souls are yours!"

"_Sweet_. Top that, Van." Folken chortled.

-On Dryden's Ship-

"Weeeell," Dryden drawled, yawning loudly. "_That_ was tough." He stood in the hallway outside his bedroom, with the others gathered around him to hear his speech. "It took me a little while to figure it out, but I _am_ a genius. 48 down is 'Asparagus'!" He held out a crossword puzzle smugly.

"Wait, what about that _book_?" Millerna asked, actually on track for once.

"Huh? Oh, right." Dryden scratched his head and pulled out the journal of Allen's father from his voluminous robes. "Yeah, this was a toughie too, I guess. It was written in the language of the Messed-up Moon."

"Messed-up Moon?" Hitomi repeated. "Well gee, why didn't you ask me? I could have told you what it said!"

There was a long pause as Dryden stared at Hitomi with a murderous gaze for several moments.

"I _really_ wish you would have told me that _before_ I worked so hard my _eyes_ bled." He whispered savagely.

"S-sorry!"

"Master!" Dryden's mousy-looking attendant interrupted. "Enough is enough! Allen's afraid, well when _isn't_ he, that Zaibach has their eye on you, which also puts _him_ in the line of danger! Nothing good will come of this, I'm sure!"

"Oh, lighten up!" Dryden sighed. "Would you just go home already?"

"Eh?" The attendant blinked in surprise.

"I've decided to plan a mission to the Messed-up Valley," Dryden said as he snapped his book closed. "Take this ship back to Palace immediately."

"What?!" The attendant panicked. "N-no! My wife is there! She'll beat me senseless! Besides, how will I explain it to the Master when I bring the ship back without the cargo?" Dryden waited several seconds, tapping his foot.

"Ahem?"

"_And_ you! He'll skin me alive!" The attendant moaned and clutched his head.

"It's okay," Dryden comforted. "I'll write you a note." He could picture it now. It would read '_Please skin my attendant alive'_. "He'll understand! Plus, I'll just say I'm shackin' up with Princess Milly!"

"Why, I never!" Millerna had the modesty to blush.

"What?" Dryden cocked an eyebrow at her. "Aren't you coming? Allen is!"

"I _am_?!" Allen jerked out of his daze, eyes going wide like a startled deer. "I don't remember agreeing to that!"

"Oh, you _didn't_ agree." Dryden shrugged nonchalantly. "You _have_ to go." Allen's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Remember your loser father who left his home and family to find the Messed-up Valley? It's a famous story in Austuria, _everyone's_ heard it. Heck, even I know it! …Plus, I have this embarrassing photo of you playing with Barbies and I'll show it to everyone if you don't come along quietly."

"What?!" Allen cried in outrage. "Damn you! Not _Skipper_! You heartless bastard!"

"Eww…" Hitomi eyed Allen. "What a weirdo."

"I want to go too!" Van volunteered, Merle clutching at his arm. "The Messed-up Valley is the home of the Draconians. I wanna see them! Maybe there's a genetic explanation as to why I have such spindly legs and weak bladder! I'll prove it's not my fault I'm such a coward! It's just my _genes_!"

"You wish!" The Escaflowne's voice floated in from the hangar.

"Oh, and I wanna find out about him, too." Van added as an afterthought.

"Hey!"

"Well, I'll be." Dryden smirked. "Is it just fate that brought us all together? We, who are tied to the Messed-up Valley?"

"Alright everyone, group hug!" Allen sang, grabbing hold of Hitomi, Merle, and Millerna. They shrieked in protest.

"Eww!"

"Meeeoww!"

"Whoopee!"

You can guess which one was Millerna.

-On the Crusade Now-

Dryden cleared his throat, opened the journal, and began reading aloud.

"Gaddess looked at me again today. Oh, when will this charade cease? When will he hold me in his arms and-" Dryden screwed up his face and screeched to a halt. Flipping the book over, he glanced at the cover. "Oops. This is _Reeden's_ journal." He chucked it off to the side and found the right one.

"Okay, _here_ we go! Allen's father's journal!" Dryden adjusted his glasses and read. "I am now bound for the dark continent of Ass-Guard, er, Asgard, where no man has ever set foot. Yes! I am certain the Messed-up Valley is there!"

"Hey! Down in front!" Allen rudely interrupted, his annoying voice multiplied several times louder than usual by the megaphone he was holding. Everyone sat against the nearby wall, listening to Dryden as he read aloud the contents of the journal. Allen took a handful of his popcorn and crammed it in his mouth. "Where the _hell_ are the sound effects and props, Dryden? And how about putting some _feeling_ in it?"

"The only thing you'll be _feeling_ is my foot hitting your ass!" Dryden snapped, slamming the book down. "This isn't a play! Shut up and listen!" He opened the book again and found his place. "I'm sure to find what I've been looking for all these years. Booty! Er, I mean, the power that works miracles, the power…of Atlantis!"

-Whee! Flashback Time! Well, Not Really, it's Just Showing What Happened to Allen's Daddy All Those Years Ago and is Narrated By Morgan Freemen, Er, I mean Dryden-

Lightning crackled in the stormy sky, rain pouring down in violent sheets onto the lone airship trying desperately to stay airborne in the raging squall. These people are _nuts_! Inside, men scrambled at the controls, trying to steer the ship and basically _not die_.

"Boss!" One man cried out. "The helm's not responding! We'll never make it through the storm!"

"Have you tried hitting it, yar?" The Captain, a patch-eyed, bearded, Ahab-wannabe asked.

"Uh, no, but-"

"Do as I say! I'm the Captain here, ain't I? Yar."

"Captain!" Another crewmember appeared at the door to the cockpit. "The energists aren't cooling down!"

"Damn!" The Captain narrowed his eyes and stroked his beard. "It's the Draconian curse, yar! Man was never meant to sail these waters, yar!"

"Uh, sir, we're _flying_-" The first man tried to point out.

"You know what I mean!" The Captain cut off. "Turn us around, yar!"

"Yes, sir!" The men hurried to obey, more than happy to keep their lives.

"Not so fast!" The same man from the opening scene, not Sylvester but the other dude, who we now know is Allen's poppa, suddenly jumped from the shadows and held the Captain at knifepoint. "This isn't what we agreed on! Stay on course! Remember I paid you, _and_ got you Cher concert tickets! Do you have any idea how difficult they are to _find_?"

"Oh, please." The Captain rolled his eyes and easily threw the scrawny man off. "What're you planning to do with that butter knife of yours, yar? This ship will never hold together! Don't you get it, yar?"

"No, yar!" Allen's father shot back, trying to get up from the floor. "I _don't_ get it, yar! I must find the booty! I mean, the Messed-up Valley, yar!"

Lightning suddenly struck the ship and sent it careening out of the sky into the raging ocean below.

-Later, But Still in Flashback Time-

The sun blazed down on the open ocean, a cruel and merciless mistress. Seagulls wheeled in the sky above, cawing annoyingly and making a fuss. Far below them, clinging to a small piece of driftwood, was Allen's father, barely alive. And the irritating calls of the seagulls sure as hell weren't helping his weakened mental state at the moment.

"I wonder…" Dryden read from the yellowed pages of the journal, "how many days have passed in that hazy state of mind…that girl's voice…her face…"

"Oh, god! My dad was a _crackhead_!" Allen wailed, unable to contain his dismay.

"Shut up!" Everyone hollered. It was just getting good and Allen had to go and ruin it for everyone. Allen pouted but complied.

"And then…" Dryden continued. "Asgard appeared before me! The God's guide me! …Or the Unseen Forces, but I really don't care at this point! As long as I'm alive and still have my…_you know_, then I'm fine! Anyway, this is my destiny!"

"Destiny?" Allen scoffed.

"I said no more interrupting!" Dryden snarled, ready to throw the journal at the misbehaving man.

Back in the 'flashback' world, Allen's daddy slowly lifted his head and spotted land. Hooray! He was able to reach the beach (Hee hee, I rhymed. Oh, wait, no! _Eugh_!) and staggered forward to get farther inland.

"A cruel twist of fate brought about that meeting in my youth as well as our sudden separation," Dryden narrated. "I've come here to ascertain…heh heh…ass. Uh, ascertain my feelings for this girl. Mmm…a girl…I hope she's hot…. Everything is in the Messed-up Valley, everything I am searching for…"

"You must be joking!" Allen butted in yet again.

"God, what does he have, a five-second memory?" Dryden spat, fed up.

"Pretty much." Gaddess admitted with a shrug.

"It's not true!" Allen seethed. "My father abandoned his home, his family, all for the sake of some _woman_?! He's a _loser_!"

"You did the exact same thing for Hitomi," Van whispered, leaning in close to the Knight.

"He's _awesome_!" Allen corrected.

"Geez. You and your father sound exactly alike." Dryden rolled his eyes.

"Oh, yeah?" Allen swung around, ready to brawl.

"Cool it. He sounds a lot better than _my_ old man who only knows how to count piles of money." Dryden looked up at Allen. "Come on, face it. You're just like one another."

"You shut your lying mouth!" Allen exploded. "I'm sick of your lies!"

"Calm down, Allen. It's true." Hitomi said quietly, patting his shoulder.

"Oh, Hitomi! Comfort me!" Allen turned and went for her.

"In your dreams!" She slammed him back.

-Back on Earth-

"So…there's still no sign of her?" Amano asked softly.

"No, I'm sorry." Hitomi's mother answered. She was a slim, older woman with shoulder-length brown hair and a pink top. Yukari and Amano sat before her at a small table in Hitomi's house, having tea with her mother.

"Damn!" Amano cursed, snapping his fingers in disappointment. "I was hoping to get freaky with her before I left but now- _OOOF_!" Yukari silenced him with a sharp punch in the ribs. "Er, I mean, she could be in danger!"

"It's not your fault she's gone, you two." Hitomi's mother smiled.

"Yup! That's right!" Amano was quick to agree. "_Totally_ not our fault! I mean, I _could_ have pulled her back down from that Beam o' Light instead of gazing up at her undies, but hey, who cares, right? _R-right_?"

"Oh, God…" Yukari closed her eyes in embarrassment, promising herself to beat the crap out of Amano once they were out of eyesight of Hitomi's mother.

"Don't worry about it," their host said graciously.

"I…I still dream about her…" Yukari spoke up. "I'm standing at the station, on my way to school, waiting for her just as I always do, and Hitomi runs up to me and says, 'Good morning!'. And then the naked, singing clowns come in."

"What the hell kinda dreams you have, woman?" Amano mumbled, rubbing his aching ribs.

"And…and then I wake up…" Yukari's voice trailed off as tears welled in her eyes.

"Oh, Yukari!" Amano soothed. "Here, cry onto my broad, muscular chest!"

"Back off!" Yukari pushed him away.

"It's okay, Yukari." Hitomi's mother said. "I dream about her too."

"_And_ the naked clowns?" Amano couldn't help but ask.

"Quiet!" The two women snapped.

"The thing is," Hitomi's mother went on, "I know she's alright! It may be hard for her at times, maybe pure torture when she's surrounded by slobbering morons or perverted idiots, but I know she'll pull through!"

Behind her, hanging from the door, a wind chime chimed in…the…wind…okay, moving on!

-Back in Gaea, on the Crusade-

The Crusade nearly skipped through the air, so great was its mood. It was a beautiful day, with the sun shining in a lovely blue sky and a pleasant breeze filling the airship's sails. Below the ship, a glittering blue ocean spread out on all sides, rippling soothingly in the wind.

"I can't see a darn thing out here!" Reeden whined.

"Your scarf's over your face, dumbass." Kio pointed out.

"Oh." Reeden quickly fixed his scarf and blinked at the bright sun. "Whoa! Look, there's ocean as far as the eye can see!"

"Keep going straight ahead," Gaddess ordered. "Dryden says this is supposed to be the right course."

"Aye!" Reeden gripped the helm and paused. "Have I ever told you how much _better_ a captain you are than Allen?"

"Quiet. He'll hear you." Gaddess replied.

"Fine." Reeden made a face. "But can we really trust Dryden? He seems a little…"

"Fruity?" Gaddess finished.

"Yeah!"

"Look," Gaddess glanced over his shoulder at the other man. "We either listen to him, or Allen. Take your pick."

"Touché." Reeden shut up. Gaddess leaned over to a tubey-thing on the side of the wall and spoke into it.

"Pyle, how does it look down there?"

"It's gonna take a while longer," Pyle answered, speaking into the other end of the tube. "It's gonna take a while longer to install the control chamber parts that we got from Dryden's Guymelefs." Behind him, several men were working on a Guymelef (which I'm _pretty_ sure is the Scherazade), putting in new gizmos and weapons.

"Yo, yo, yo!" Xzibit suddenly appeared and began shoving his face into the camera. "Allen has no idea that we about to Pimp His Ride! First, we gonna hook him up with 25-foot speakers so his beats can be _pumpin'_, then we gonna install 15-inch plasma screens right under his _ass_ sos he can look down and watch movies! _And_ we can't forget the Plaaaaystation 3, what, what?"

"Who the hell _are_ you?!" A man shrieked.

"How did you get _in_ here?" Another demanded.

"What? Come on, dawg! It's me, Xzibit! Holla at ya boy!" Xzibit held up a hand to be slapped.

"GET OUT!" Pyle body-slammed the gansta out the window before he could say any more. He watched the figure dwindle as it fell into the ocean below before turning back to the others with a sigh. "That show is just damn _ridiculous_ now!"

-Time for More Story-Time With Dryden!-

Dryden turned a page of the journal, clearing his throat before starting. The Moleman was smoking a joint off in the corner, while Merle slept soundly on Van's knee, much to his displeasure. Millerna, Hitomi, and Allen were also there.

"Driven snow and jagged rocks blocked my path," Dryden began, "as if to test those who challenge the mystery. But there, I met an old man!"

The scene changed to show Allen's father, stumbling through a snowstorm to come upon a small cave, lit by a weak light inside.

"There was one other who believed in the existence of the Messed-up Valley. He was in search of it. When I asked him his name, he answered, 'Isaac!'."

Allen's father, now in the cave and warming himself next to a flickering fire, faced an old man. He had long, white hair with a long, white beard, and a long, white moustache. He was dressed in a dark trench coat and clutched an old and worn Gameboy to his chest. This old man…seems…quite…_familiar_. Hmm…who could it be? I guess we'll find out later, huh?

-Back With Hitomi's Momma-

"I've never told this to anyone…" Hitomi's mother said softly.

"You're a lesbian?!" Amano gasped.

There was an awkward silence.

"Um, _NO_."

"Oh." Amano slumped, disappointed. "Because I _do_ love the lesbians."

"Are you going to listen to me or not?" Hitomi's mother was losing her patience.

"Yes, ma'am!" Yukari and Amano gulped.

"Maybe it's best if I tell you two…" Hitomi's mother took out a photo album and flipped it open. "You see, when I was a little girl, there was a story my mother told me. She was just about Hitomi's age…she says she was on her way home from a summer festival. A Beam o' Light came, and she found herself in an unfamiliar land."

"…You sure she just wasn't on an acid trip?" Amano asked.

"That's it!" Both Yukari and Hitomi's mother jumped at him.

-Aaand Story-Time Again-

"What Isaac told me was most interesting," Dryden read aloud. "He too was looking for booty, and the Messed-up Valley, too! He was searching for the mystery of Atlantis. Even more surprising was Isaac's claim that he came from the Messed-up Moon! Just like that little hunny I had met!"

Everyone suddenly gasped and whipped around to stare at Hitomi, who was fixing a wedgie obliviously.

"…Huh?" She asked, blushing.

"She came from the Messed-up Moon!" Van repeated.

"And that's…bad?" Hitomi still didn't understand.

"It means she's just like _you_, Hitomi." Dryden explained.

-_Pant Pant_. Okay, Back to Hitomi's Mom-

"Whooo! What a mega-cutie!" Amano (now covered in bandages) swooned, gushing over a picture in the album before him. It was of a girl with pigtails in a kimono, holding a pinwheel. Hey, that's just like the girl in the opening scene! Just who the heck is she?

"Oh, wow! She looks just like Hitomi!" Yukari realized.

"Ooh! Even _better_!" Amano sang.

"That's my _mother_." Hitomi's mom (which makes that girl in the picture Hitomi's granny) pointed out.

"Oh." Amano paused. "Eeeugh!"

-With Hitomi, Who's Having a Vision-

Hitomi gasped, suddenly being drawn into a flashback. She found herself at the same area as the opening scene, at the bottom of the cliff. The dead, bloody body of Sylvester Stalone lay next to her, its legs and arms akimbo.

"Eww!" Hitomi stepped away in disgust. She looked up and caught sight of Allen's father, on his way to get to the top of the cliff.

"Grr!" He growled to himself as he went. "Must…get to top of cliff…and see hot chick!"

"Hunh…_that_ must be Allen's father." Hitomi shook her head, then blinked. "And that girl! She's…."

Hitomi easily rose into the air (since she was in spirit form, and not high like you'd think) and stepped onto the top of the cliff. She faced the young girl, who stared back at her with equal interest.

"_You're_…" Hitomi whispered, "…that girl who got wicked drunk and puked all over my favorite skirt at that party I went to! You bitch!" She soundly slapped the girl, who squawked indignantly.

"Ow! I am not! I'm your _grandmother_!" She explained, clutching her reddened cheek.

"Oh. Oops." Hitomi felt a bit foolish and blushed. A sound from behind made her whirl around, and she saw Allen's father had finally made it back to the top of the cliff and was gasping for breath, bent over. He looked up and his eyes widened when they landed on Hitomi's grandmother.

"Sweet mama!" He whistled. "You're so _cute_! Marry me!" He stumbled over to her and grasped her hand tightly. "I can't believe it! You're from the Messed-up Moon! _And_ incredibly hot!"

"Uh…please don't touch me." Hitomi's grandmother retrieved her hand and took a few steps back.

Later, the two sat together under the starry night sky as Hitomi watched from a little ways off. Hitomi's grandmother was forced to keep inching away from the man every few minutes as he attempted to sidle up closer to her.

"You know," said Allen's father, gazing up at the stars, "when I left on this journey, I planned to leave my ties behind. But you…when I look into your eyes, I think that maybe…maybe…" He suddenly leaned forward, his lips puckered in a kiss. Hitomi's grandmother quickly ended that train of thought for him with a swift kick in the nuts.

"Knock it off!"

_Wham!_

"Whoa," Hitomi commented from her vantage point, "we really _are_ related."

"S-sorry…" The man apologized, crouched over in agony. "I just can't help it. You're so hot!"

"That's it!" Hitomi's grandmother hopped up, outrage clear on her face. "I'm outta here! Lighty! Take me home!" Putting her fingers in her mouth, she whistled loudly, summoning the Beam o' Light, which blazed down around her and began pulling her upward.

"I don't even get a goodbye kiss?! That's bullcrap!" Allen's father wailed.

"Later, loser!" Hitomi's granny stuck her tongue out as she rose even higher.

"Why you…! Whoo! I can see your panties!"

"No, you can't! I'm wearing a freakin' kimono!" Hitomi's grandmother called down as she disappeared from sight.

"…Man, I don't get _anything_!" Allen's father huffed.

-End of Vision-Flashback Thingy!-

"Gwaagh!" Hitomi shrieked, falling forward on her face. No-one in the room even attempted to catch her. "I really, _really_ hate you guys," she growled, face planted firmly into the floorboards.

"Oh, get over it." Millerna sniffed. "_I_ did. So, what happened?" She nudged Hitomi's rump with her foot.

"My grandmother…" Hitomi murmured, sitting upright.

-In the Huge Fortress of Zaibach, Y'know, Where Dorny Is-

In one of the many rooms of the huge Fortress of Zaibach in Zaibach (the country), a creepy Sorcerer in a long, dark cloak like Folken's stood before General Adelphos, speaking with him.

"General Adelphos," the Sorcerer croaked out, "we have come to ask your permission to take back Dilandau."

"Eeeh?" Adelphos was trying to lean to the side so he could see past the Sorcerer to the TV where his favorite show, The Real World, was playing. "Come on, Brooke! Don't take that crap, kick that bitch's ass! I mean, uh, yeah, whatever. Why do you want that stupid kid, anyway? He's a royal pain in the ba-hookey."

"Strategos Folken said he was ill," the Sorcerer explained.

"Oh, _please_." Adelphos snorted and rolled his eyes dramatically. "He probably just got sick of the brat and wants to get rid of him."

"There's nothing to worry about, General." The Sorcerer promised. "Once we have treated him and he has fully recovered, we _will_ return him to you."

"…Do you _have_ to?" Adelphos asked after a short pause.

-On a Zaibach Floating Jellyfish Somewhere-

Onboard a humming Floating Jellyfish, screams resounded through the corridors of the craft, echoing off the walls and ceiling. Dilandau lay strapped to a surgical table, struggling violently against the restraints that, well, restrained him. A dim, eerie lamp was the only thing that illuminated the room.

"Stop!" He shrieked. "No! Get away from me! Bad touch, _bad_ touch!" Several Sorcerers were gathered around, looming over him like vultures over a dieing animal.

"He's becoming more unstable," a bald one with glasses remarked.

"What is the cause?" A blond, bearded one wondered.

"The Fate-Alternation experiment wasn't a complete success, after all." Another commented. He glared at the blond one. "Pay up."

"Dammit." The other forked over the dough and resolved to never bet on such an unpredictable experiment ever again.

"Chesta! Gatti! Dallet! Where are you losers?! Help me!" Dilandau cried, thrashing around even more.

"Hold still, Dilandau," the bald, be-speckled sorcerer soothed. "We just want to…_wash your hair_." He held up a Pert-Plus two-in-one Shampoo and Conditioner. Dilandau totally lost it.

"Nooooo!" He howled. "Not the cheap-ass brand! It'll ruin my beautiful locks! I need Pantene Pro-V! Paaaanteeeene Pro-Veeeee!" The sorcerers all leaned in close as the lights went off.

-With Folken and Dorny-

"Ass-guard?" Dornkirk repeated, chewing on his moustache thoughtfully. "Sounds like some Chinese food or something! Aaaanyway, the losers are heading for the Messed-up Valley."

"Really, you don't say?" Folken said with obvious disinterest. He had dragged a lounge chair into the meeting room and was reclining on it under Dornkirk's monitor, flipping through a _Vampire Weekly_ magazine absently. "Ooh, this cloak is 50 off… wait, Messed-up Valley?! You mean the one of legend?!" He jumped up in surprise.

"No, I mean the one on Drewy Lane with the Muffin Man!" Dornkirk drawled sarcastically. "Yes, _that_ one! The Messed-up Valley, hood of the people of Atlantis, G! Draconian-style, dawg!" He flashed some gang signs, wishing he had a grill and some bling-bling to show off. And a couple ho's wouldn't hurt. "Those losers have found it! We be screwed, yo!"

-Back On the Crusade-

Lightning flashed through the sky, dark clouds mustering above the lone airship as Dryden opened the journal once more to read passages aloud to the crew.

"Isaac and I have come upon a moor shrouded by thick fog," he narrated. "The Messed-up Valley must be just beyond this place! But Isaac has disappeared, I know not when…were we separated by this thick fog, or could it have been…? _Waaah_! Something just touched my ass! This is so scary! I'm totally freaking out! Someone hold me! _Hold meeee_!"

Dryden paused and raised an eyebrow at Allen. Everyone else stared at him with questionable expressions.

"Uh…I'm not like that." Allen insisted. Dryden shrugged but continued.

"I should just focus on reaching the Messed-up Valley. If I can reach it, I will solve the mystery of Atlantis. If I do, I'm sure I'll be able to get all the booty I want! _Hells_ yeah! And I'll be able to see that sweet little hunny again!"

"Eww." Hitomi managed to suppress her gag reflex and clutched her pink pendant in her hands. "That guy is _such_ a perv."

"I know, he _is_!" Allen agreed, his hand on Hitomi's leg.

_Smack_!

"If I could only see her, I-" Dryden began reading.

"Okay, enough!" Allen huffed, picking himself up off the ground and heading for the door.

"Oh, come on!" Hitomi called after him. "I didn't hit you _that_ hard!"

"Running away again?" Dryden taunted. "It's interesting how this can get such a rise out of a Knight of Kaeli, yet when I flirt with Millerna, you do nothing!"

"That's different!" Allen barked. "Millerna's an attention-whore!"

"Hey!" Millerna hollered several seconds later, as it took her a little while to realize she was being insulted.

"You know, Dryden…" Allen growled, "I don't think we're gonna be friends!" He turned and flounced out the door.

"Oh, thank goodness!" Dryden laughed after him. "What a relief!" He hopped up and did a Thank-Goodness-Allen-Doesn't-Wanna-Be-My-Friend-Dance.

"Dryden!" Hitomi chastised. "That wasn't very nice! He can't help it if he's an idiot!" She quickly dashed out into the hall after Allen.

"Gee, aren't _I_ the popular one." Dryden sighed and sat back down. He noticed Millerna giving him a look. "What, _you_ got something to say, too?"

"…I was gonna say your hair looks _really_ cute like that." She admitted.

"Uh, thanks?"

Outside in the hall, Hitomi rushed around, looking for Allen.

"Stupid Dryden," she muttered, looking left and right. "He didn't have to be so mean…even though Allen _did_ have it coming…oh!" She screeched to a halt as she caught sight of Allen sulking in a corner. Hitomi tip-toed up to him cautiously. "Uh, Allen? You okay?"

"_Sniff_. I _guess_." Allen sniveled. "Sorry you had to see that."

"Uh…I've gotten quite used to it, actually," Hitomi admitted with a shrug.

"My dumb dad, I'll never forgive him!" Allen muttered. "Not a man who abandoned his family! He could have at _least_ sent me a card with some cash on my birthday! The cheapskate! _Sob_!"

"Oh, Allen…" Hitomi actually felt a little bad for him. "Don't be like this! Come on, you kept his journal when you could have thrown it away, right?"

"Well…" Allen sniffed and looked thoughtful. "I peed on it."

"_What_?!" Hitomi recoiled in horror. "Is that why the pages are all yellow and smell funny? Ew, I touched it!" She began wiping his hands vigorously on her skirt, desperate to clean them.

Allen stood up, wiping his nose, and began gazing out the window forlornly. Hitomi recovered herself and walked up behind him.

"I think…" she said softly, "Somewhere deep down, you wanted to know about your father. You never let yourself forget about him, even when you felt angry. You're a kinda nice person, and I stress _kinda_, Allen. I don't think you could hate someone that much." Hitomi glanced down at her feet, fighting back the nausea she was feeling from being so nice to the playboy. "If you were really that cold inside, I don't think I, or any of us, would like you, which we don't anyway." She looked up. "Tell me the truth. Deep, deep down, you want to forgive him."

"Hee, hee." Allen giggled. "Look, I drew some boobies." He breathed on the glass of the window to make a fog, then drew several perverted doodles. "Huh? What were you saying, Hitomi?"

"You _jerk_!" Hitomi leapt at him. "That's the _last_ time I say anything even _remotely_ nice to you!"

"Owie! I'm sorry!" Allen gasped, trying to dodge her strikes. "Forgive me!"

Back in the other room, the lamp flickered as Dryden chuckled to himself.

"Well, we're almost there, everyone!" He said.

"I'll go and take a look," Van volunteered, desperate to get away from Merle. He shoved the napping cat-girl off his lap and dashed off before she could sink her claws in him.

"Yeoowch! Lord Van, you big meanie!" Merle hissed, rubbing her head.

Van rushed through the corridor, glad to be finally rid of Merle for a few precious seconds. Suddenly, the ship shook violently as its side grated against a stray levistone hovering in the air, throwing the Fanelian King off balance. In the nearby room, Hitomi shrieked as she fell over onto Allen, whose eyes changed into hearts as he also fell.

"Reeden, be careful!" Gaddess growled. "Who the hell put those levistones out there?"

"Heh, heh, heh…" The Unseen Forces chuckled evilly.

Van managed to regain his balance and continued down the hallway. Turning a corner, he gasped in shock as he say Hitomi sprawled atop a prone Allen.

"Aaaaaugh!" Hitomi went red with embarrassment and tried to get up. "This isn't what it looks like!" Allen immediately grabbed hold of her and yanked her back down on top of him.

"Yes it is! Yes it is!" He shrieked. Dryden suddenly popped out of nowhere.

"Hey, everyone! What's going on in- _ohsweetbastard_! Get a room, you two!" He gave Allen and Hitomi a disdainful look. "After you guys are done _mating_, let's go to the pilot house, kay? We're almost there."

-Later-

"Levistone ahead!" Reeden reported. "Hard to port!"

"Aye!" Kio turned the helm quickly.

_Krash_!

"Augh! No, I meant starboard! _Starboard_!" Reeden corrected. Kio went to hit him.

"Quit it! Let _me_ drive!" Gaddess barked.

"_NO_!" Everyone shouted together. Indeed, everyone had gathered into the pilot house, expectantly waiting to arrive at the Messed-up Valley. The ship was currently flying through a thick fog, but suddenly broke out of it into bright sunlight.

"A clear patch!" Dryden stated. "The Messed-up Valley is just ahead!"

"Wow! You know that from studying the journal?" Millerna asked in awe.

"…No. It says so right there." Dryden pointed to a large sign with a blinking arrow that read, 'This Way to The Messed-up Valley! Next Restroom 500 Miles.'

"What a nice view!" Hitomi commented, pressing her face against the glass of the window and looking out.

"_I'll_ say!" Van agreed, eyes glued to her bum. The Crusade had emerged from the misty cloud into a beautiful rocky snowfield, complete with scooping valleys and cliffs.

"_This_ is the Messed-up Valley?" Hitomi asked, confused.

"There's nothing down there!" Van complained. "Where's my homies, yo?"

"Wait, that's impossible!" Dryden cried aloud. He peered closely at a book, an expression of disbelief on his face.

"What is it?" Hitomi and Van whirled around in fright.

"Brittany broke up with Kevin!" Dryden gasped. "Look!" He held out the article to the others so they could see. Hitomi angrily smacked it away.

"Look in the journal, genius!"

"Oh, fine." Dryden obliged, flipping to the last place they'd left off. "Oh, CRAP! A page has been torn out!"

An uncomfortable silence settled over the crew.

"Okay, it was _me_!" Kio burst out. "We were all outta toilet paper cause I threw it at Reeden for being an idiot, and that journal was just _sitting_ there, so…so I _used_ it!"

"You wiped your ass with our salvation!" Dryden roared.

"You idiot!" Everyone lunged at him.

"Saaaaarge!" Pyle's voice came echoing up through the tube-communication-thing. "It's a Zaibach Floating Jellyfish!"

"What?! Where!?" Allen gasped and nearly crapped his pants.

On the Jellyfish, Zaibachian soldiers had caught sight of the heroes.

"Austurian skiff spotted!" One reported.

"Good." Folken nodded in satisfaction. His day was going rather well, a great improvement this past week. Dornkirk had actually given him a mission that made sense (last time he'd ordered him to fly to the moon and bring back some monkey-men for the circus), and he was close to accomplishing it. "Naria, Eriya, you hear me?"

"Of course, Lord Folken!" The girls answered from inside their Guymelefs. "We're ready to go! We're prepared to bring back your loser brother!"

"I'm counting on you." Folken said. Then, as an afterthought, "Try not to break his little legs, okay?"

"Sure thing!" The girls' sexy melefs detached from their harnesses, dropping down into the sky. They quickly switched into flight-mode and zoomed toward the Crusade in twin plumes of smoke.

"Let's do it!" Naria crowed.

"I'm ready, sister!" Eriya agreed. "I bet I'll grab that little brat for Folken before _you_ can!"

"Oh, it's _ON_!" Naria hissed. The two flew even closer to the airship, and were able to catch sight of Van through the window, trying his hardest not to void his bladder. It didn't really help that he'd had several cups of coffee that morning.

"No doubt about it, it's them alright!" Eriya said as the girls swung off to the side to ready their assault.

"Eeek! They're back!" Allen squealed in fright. "They just want Van, right? Throw him out, then! Come on, it's not like anyone will _miss_ him!"

"No, Commander!" Gaddess said firmly. He turned and spoke into the tubey-thing. "Pyle, is the Scherazade-"

"It's _Sherry_!" Allen corrected.

"…Is _Sherry_ ready?"

"Not even close!" Pyle answered from the other end. "We're barely halfway done!"

Hitomi was still at the window, gazing out at the enemies, transfixed by their graceful swoops and turns.

"Hitomi…" A disembodied voice intoned.

"Whoa!" Hitomi jerked away from the window. "Who said that? Grk! Oh, no! Vision Time!" In Hitomi's mind, she saw her young granny, dressed in a robe and sitting on a porch in the early morning sun.

"If you wish hard enough…" Her grandmother said, looking over her shoulder at Hitomi, "your wishes will come true…"

"Okay, who are you, Jiminy Cricket?" Hitomi asked bluntly.

"I want you to have this, Hitomi." Hitomi's grandmother held out an old, crappy necklace.

"Oh, yeah…" Hitomi looked and it and began remembering. "She _did_ give me that piece of junk. And that's why I stole that pretty pink pendant! Tee hee!"

"You did _what_?" Her grandmother's eyes narrowed.

"Um, nothing! Bye, now!" Hitomi hopped back into the real world before she could get a spanking from her granny. Closing her eyes and clutching her pendant close, Hitomi began to pray.

"Jesus, please let all these idiots die horrible deaths…" She began. "Especially Allen. I want him screaming-"

"Hey!" Van nudged her. "You're supposed to be praying to _save_ us, silly!"

"Oh, _fine_." Hitomi rolled her eyes and started over. "Granny, show us the Messed-up Valley. Please! Show it to us!"

"No!" Van thought. "I can't die, I still haven't slept with Hitomi!"

"No!" Dryden thought. "I can't die, I still haven't slept with Milly!"

"No!" Allen thought. "I can't die, I still haven't slept with both Milly _and_ Hitomi!"

"I like catnip." Merle thought stupidly.

Naria and Eriya chuckled evilly as they closed in on their prey. Onboard the Floating Jellyfish, Folken mused to himself.

"Van, what do you wish to see in the Messed-up Valley?" He asked aloud. Several soldiers exchanged disturbed glances, confused as to why their superior was talking to no-one in particular.

Suddenly, aboard the Crusade, the sitting Escafowne's Energist exploded with pink light, spreading like wildfire and engulfing the ship. Light also shone forth from Hitomi's pendant, adding to the glow. As if in response, the good ol' Beam o' Light appeared just in time, and surrounded the ship in its protective embrace.

"What? Aaaaugh!" Naria gasped.

"It can't be! Eeek!" Eriya cried out. The two sisters were flung back from the airship, their melefs crumbling from the sheer power of the blazing Beam o' Light. High above in the sky, a portal suddenly appeared.

"No!" Folken growled in dismay. "The gate of Atlantis is opening! That's not fair! I should get to go, I'm _sooo_ much cooler than Van!"

It was too late. The Crusade had already disappeared from sight through the portal.

-Episode 16 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Whew, done! Just ten more to go, right? I sure hope so. This chapter seems shorter than usual, which is weird! Oh, well, at least it's funny. At least I thought so. Hope you liked it! Review, please!


	17. Episode 17: The Edge of Sanity

Author's Note: Hee hee. I skipped class today so I could do this. I know I'm awful. Anyway, this'll probably be the last one I can squeeze out before I have to stop for finals next week (I need to start studying my ass off so I can get good grades to get scholarships for my poor ass so I can finish college and get a good job and not be a hobo). I hope you like it! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 17

The Edge of Sanity

Recap: It's a twisty-turny episode last time as Dryden reads from the infamous journal and explains how Allen's loser father once met a girl from the Messed-up Moon who later turned out to be Hitomi's grandma. Because he wanted to see her again (_and_ because he was horny), he left and searched for the Messed-up Valley. Back in the real world, Hitomi's mama tells Yukari and Amano off for losing her daughter, then tells them the story of how her granny also went to a magical world (and not with the aid of narcotics, mind you). On his journey to find the Messed-up Valley, Allen's papa met an old man who seems remarkably familiar to a certain aged and decrepit villain who likes the ladies, and Hitomi has yet another vision and gets to see when Allen's dad first met her Granny way back when. Urgh…so…_confusing_! Dilandau is taken from Zaibach for a tune-up since he's going on the fritz, and Allen finally blows a gasket when Dryden insults him for the last time. He storms out and gets consoled by Hitomi, who is caught in a compromising situation when she falls onto Allen and Van, of course, _has_ to see it. Poor guy. The crew makes it to the Messed-up Valley, which is just a big disappointing snowfield, and are immediately attacked by Zaibach. Just as it looks like everything's over, the Unseen Forces once again send the Beam o' Light down to save our heroes. Now they've disappeared and let's hope they're alright (Except Allen. No-one gives a _bleep_ about Allen).

As the large Beam o' Light that had taken the Crusade and its unfortunate occupants away slowly faded from view, Nariya and Eriya stood in their melefs upon the white snowfield below. Being felines, they obviously weren't enjoying it very much.

"Mraaawr! Now my paws are all wet! _Ffffft_!" Nariya lifted a foot and shook it vigorously to free it from the freezing snow crystals, too upset to realize she shouldn't even be _able_ to feel the cold since she was in a freaking Guymelef.

"More importantly," Eriya pointed out, "what do we do now?" They stood side-by-side, staring up at the sky where the glowing portal still hung. Should they go in? Or would the bouncer be a douche and kick them out for not having passes?

"Stand guard there, you two." Folken ordered over the radio. He was on a nearby Floating Jellyfish, and none to happy now that he'd lost sight of his prey. Stupid Van got to do _everything_!

"Oh, _helllll_ no!" Ghetto-Nariya protested, snapping her fingers and doing the head-bob thing that only sexy sistah's can do. "I ain't sittin' here and freezin' _mah_ ass off for no-one, uh-UNH!"

"Listen," Folken explained calmly. "There's no entrance to the Messed-up Valley. Except for the back one that passes through New York's (you know, from Flavor of Love?) bathroom, and _no-one_ wants to go in that way. Get my drift?"

"Eww…" The sisters gagged and settled down to wait. The Floating Jellyfish hummed a tune in boredom.

-Inside the Gateway-

Trapped inside the Beam o' Light, the Crusade shook as it floated/fell through the air. Allen certainly wasn't helping the situation by shrieking like a three-year-old girl and clutching Gaddess so hard he was finding it difficult to breath. Reeden saw his chance and grabbed hold of the Second-in-Command also.

"Yeeeek! Save me, Gaddess!" Allen wailed in his ear.

"Me too, Gaddess!" Reeden screamed into the other.

"Get offa me, both of you!" Gaddess roared, shoving them away.

"The helm's not responding!" Kio cried in dismay.

"Here, let _me_ try!" Gaddess pushed his way over and reached out a hand. The second he touched it, the helm snapped off and splintered into a hundred pieces. _Then_ it caught on fire. And a meteor hit it. Everyone stared at him with murderous intent. Gaddess gulped. "Uh…I can fix this."

"How about I a-_fix_ my foot into your _face_!" Allen growled, then winked at the camera. "Ah, thank you. Thank you very much." Everyone groaned at the lame-ass joke.

"We're gonna dieeee!" Pyle moaned, clutching his head.

"This is all _your_ fault!" Van shouted, shaking Hitomi like a rag-doll. "Why did I _ever_ listen to you in the first place? I should have just stayed at home and hid under my bed when Balgus told me to go kill that Dragon to prove I was a man! It's not faaaair!"

_Smack_!

Hitomi smacked some sense into him.

"I put the 'hit' in 'Hitomi'!" She commented, flashing a thumbs-up to the others. "Now look over there, dumbass!" She pointed toward the window.

The Crusade had finally emerged from the Beam and had just come out of a large, golden-rimmed portal in the sky. Below them, a magical land could be seen.

"Th…that's…!" Van gasped.

"_Hollywood_!" Allen breathed.

"It's the Messed-up Valley, stupid!" Everyone yelled.

"Gee, even _I_ knew that!" Millerna stated. Allen felt ashamed for being so dumb.

"That's right! The Lost Capital of Atlantis!" Dryden was pressed up against the glass like a fourth-grader on his first trip to the aquarium. Down below, the Messed-up Valley consisted of wide-spread forested land, with old white ruins dotting the cliffs. The ruins were overgrown with trees and roots, vines and creepers. It was a very purty sight.

Suddenly, some very familiar singing voices could be heard. Why, it's the singing monks again! You can always tell a scene is important when they sing! Gee, _thanks_ guys!

"_Nooooo prooooo-bleeee-heeeem_…"

"Man, not them again," Van complained. "We already _know_ this place is important, we don't need them!"

"Shut up! Yes we do!" Hitomi argued. "So, this is the Messed-up Valley, huh? …What's that?" She frowned and looked down at her pendant, which had started to glow. "What? Pendant? What're you…you're gonna _WHAT_?! Oh, _shi_-"

Hitomi disappeared in the blink of an eye. Van and Allen gasped in horror while Millerna and Merle cheered in delight. Bitches.

"Oh, _finally_!"

"It's about time!"

"No! Hitomi!" Allen sobbed and stepped forward. "Take me with youuuuu!" He also vanished. This time Millerna was the one to gasp.

"Oh, no! Allen's gone too!"

"_HORRAY_!" The crew all sang.

"I nominate Gaddess as the new Commander!" Reeden hollered.

"Aye!" Everyone agreed.

"Quiet, guys!" Gaddess barked. "He could be hurt!"

"…_And_?"

"…And we shouldn't get our hopes up is all."

"Allen, you bastard! Wait for me!" Van growled. "_I'm_ the hero here, not you!" Van also disappeared.

"No! That skank, she stole Lord Van!" Merle hissed.

"They're gone…" Gaddess muttered. "What's going on?"

"_PARTYYYY_!" The crew sang, whipping out the booze and party hats in celebration. It was brought to a screeching halt by Reeden, our labeled bearer of Bad News.

"Hold up, guys." He was peering through the telescope at the land below. "I can see Hitomi down there."

There was a short pause.

"We don't have, like, missiles or anything?" Someone asked from the back of the crowd.

"Don't you _dare_!" Millerna barked, attacking the person. "She's the only one who can save my love muffin!"

"Just what the heck is going on?" Dryden wondered aloud. "And why am _I_ not invited?"

"Welcome to the club." Merle patted his back in sympathy.

-Down Below-

Hitomi screwed up her face. The damn monks were still singing. It was kinda nice for the first few minutes, but after that it just got _really frigging annoying_. It was like bagpipes, or Jessica Simpson.

"Would you guys _stop_?!" She hollered into the sky. "Everyone knows this scene is significant and stuff so if you could just SHUT UP for a bit then maybe…! Oh, wait." Hitomi studied the landscape more closely. "I…I've seen this place before!"

The psychic girl took several steps forward to the top of a ruined staircase and stared out over the valley. It did _indeed_ look _very_ familiar.

"This…this is the place I saw in the vision!" Hitomi realized. She suddenly turned to the camera, a friendly smile on her face. "Which one, you ask? Simple! You see, I classify all my visions into three different categories. Category 1 is 'Disturbing' visions, Category 2 is 'Mildly Disturbing', and Category 3 is 'Holy mother_bleep_ing _bleep_ I'm-a gonna need group therapy after this.' This place is from when Van almost died, which is under the 'Mildly Disturbing' category."

-With Van-

Van was scared. Scratch that, he was mother-effing _terrified_. He was alone in a dark and scary place, with no-one to hold him close or push in the way in case of an enemy attack. Damn! All around him were strange ruins of a town, with broken buildings and shattered statues at his feet. Van hugged himself, glancing around nervously and desperately trying to not crap himself.

"G-guys?" He called out weakly. "Where am I? This isn't funny! Seriously, you guys! I'm gonna crap! _Oooohh_…" He moaned in fright and shuddered. A sudden noise caused him to jump nearly five feet in the air and whirl around. "Eeeek! What the hell was _that_?!"

White feathers began floating down all around the Fanelian King, confusing him.

"What the _eff_? Feathers? Oh, wait, gross! Asian bird flu! Nasty! Get away!" Van began dancing around, desperately trying to keep out of the falling feathers' path as they sank downward. One landed on his face, which did not sit well with him. "Agh! No! Get off! Blagh! Ew, now it's in my _mouth_! Bggaaaah!" He gagged and began a round of dry-heaves. After several minutes he finally looked up and noticed a large building in the background, one that looked remarkably familiar.

"Hmm…that building…" Van narrowed his eyes, thinking (_wow_). "Is it…New York City? Naw, there'd be more crack-whores and shooting."

"It's Fanelia!" A voice interjected.

"Oh, really?" Van cocked his head and looked closer. "Why, so it is! I'm in the ruined Fanelia! Hey, wait, who was that?" Van whipped around and gasped. His mother, Varie, stood behind him, looking the same as always with her pretty robes and long, black hair. And wings, don't forget the wings. "Mommy!"

-With Allen (Ugh…)-

Allen stood in a wide field, the sky above him a rosy red as the sun set in the distant horizon. The long grass of the plain shimmered in the light breeze, and the Knight of Kaeli's long hair ruffled softly.

"Hmm…" Allen chewed on his lip. "I wonder where I am, and why there aren't any lovely ladies surrounding me and fawning over my awesomeness." He glanced behind him and froze in shock. A little blond-headed girl sat behind him, giggling creepily. Allen, of course, responded with the dignity and grace befitting a Knight. "Eeek! Creepy little corn child! Please don't kill me and sacrifice me to your god!"

"It's me, Selena, dumby!" Allen's little sister stuck out her tongue and dashed off into the sunset. Allen was insulted.

"What is this, an old Western movie? I want to do that too! Get back here!" He jumped up and began racing after her, but came to a screeching halt as a building suddenly appeared in front of him. "Man, _now_ what the hell is this?"

-Back with Hitomi-

Hitomi was walking around the Messed-up Valley, searching for something that might give her a clue as to where the others were. Or where they _weren't_. Heh heh. She held her pendant before her, letting it guide the way, and stifled a yawn as she stepped over a large tree root.

"So…_boring_…hmm? What's that?" She squinted at something in front of her with sudden interest.

"Hitomiiii!"

"Strike me down now, Lord!" Hitomi begged, dropping down and prostrating herself on the ground. "Please! Be merciful, Lord! Do it now!"

"What're you _doing_?" Merle asked incredulously as she ran up beside her. "Didn't you hear me calling?"

"_Daaaaamn youuuu_…" Hitomi hissed and picked herself up, dusting her skirt off and glaring up at the sky. "I'll get you for this." She sighed and took a deep breath, then turned back to Merle. "_WHAT_?!"

Princess Millerna, Dryden, and Gaddess all ran up and joined the growing crowd.

"Where's Lord Van?!" Merle demanded angrily.

"How the hell would _I_ know?" Hitomi shot back.

"Of course you know! You're the psychic!"

"Oh, yeah? Well I prophesize my fist becoming acquaintances with your _face_!"

The two began squabbling and shoving each other like children.

"Amazing!" Dryden whistled in, well, _amazement_. "It's a monument with Atlantean writing on it!"

"…Actually, _that's_ just a beat up old rock," Hitomi corrected. "The monument thing is right over there." She pointed off to the right.

"Oh." Dryden flushed in embarrassment and quickly turned around.

"Put your damn glasses back on!" Merle snarled, still grappling with Hitomi. The monument everyone was speaking of was a huge, rectangular slab of rock inscribed with strange characters and stuffed between two overgrown trees. Dryden narrowed his eyes and peered closer.

"Yup, these are the ruins of Atlantis alright! This _is_ the Messed-up Valley!" He grinned back at the girls. "See? I told you we didn't need to stop for directions!"

"Oh, please!" Hitomi rolled her eyes. "We probably could have gotten here _days_ earlier if we'd asked that farmer on the side of the road! _Men_! I swear!" Everyone gathered around the monument, looking at it curiously.

"Can you read what's on it?" Millerna asked.

"Of course I can!" Dryden winked at her and began. "And so sayeth the Atlanteans, that the third Princess of Austuria, Princess Millerna, shall commune with Dryden of Austuria in hot and holy matrimony!"

"…Huh?" Millerna didn't understand.

"He's saying he wants to sleep with you." Merle clued her in.

"ExCUSE me?!"

"New Galactic Era, Thirteenth Moon," Hitomi read slowly, stepping closer to the slab. Dryden panicked and attempted to shush her.

"No! Shh! You're ruining my act, girl! _Quiet_!"

"So YOU can read that, Hitomi?" Merle asked. Hitomi reached out and touched the monument cautiously. The words from the stone suddenly shot out at her, her pendant appearing before her eyes and tugging her into another vision. Geez, if Hitomi had a dollar for every vision she gets…! She'd have maybe twenty bucks. _Yeah_. Anyway, she didn't even put up a fight this time.

"Oh, I give up," she sighed. "Let's just hurry and get this over with." After several seconds, she gasped and opened her eyes, back to normal. "We are the descendants of Atlantis!" She read. "The people known as the 'Draconians', or 'Homies'. We were born in the capital of Atlantis, which lay on the Messed-up Moon!"

"Say _what_? The Messed-up Moon?" Dryden sputtered in disbelief. "The Atlanteans were people from the Messed-up Moon?!" Hitomi looked up at the monument, just as surprised as Dryden.

"Atlantis," she read. "Her power had become great, and her people fit to surpass the gods. It was not enough. They constructed a horrible machine!"

"The Zune?!" Millerna gasped.

"Quiet! It's _my_ turn to talk now!" Hitomi growled. In her minds eye, she could see the horrible machine. It was the same golden spiral thingy with the glowing ball on top that she'd seen when Genghis- er, the Duke of Freid had given them a history lesson on Atlantis. "They transformed human thought into energy!"

"If we did that with Allen, we'd all _die_," Dryden whispered. Everyone allowed themselves a chuckle, then waited a few seconds for Millerna to realize her hunny-buns was being insulted.

"Hee hee- _HEY_! That's not funny!"

Theeere it was.

"It made them omniscient and omnipotent," Hitomi continued to read from the monument. "They sprouted wings upon their backs and even changed their shape!" She saw the people of Atlantis, in their light robes and pretty wings. "However…aw, _CRUD_." Hitomi was once again forced to watch the utter destruction of Atlantis, with the buildings crumbling and fires spreading out all over the city. "_Greaaat_. This bitch's _definitely_ going in my Category 3."

Hitomi then found herself in a large stadium-like place with lots of Atlanteans holding up pendants that looked just like hers. Oblivious to the ensuing destruction around them, they prayed with all their power, following the lead of an old, white-haired man in the middle.

"Hey! Their pendants are just like mine!" Hitomi gasped. "Wait a minute. That means…. Oh. _Crap_." The stadium exploded with pink light and swept the survivors of Atlantis into the sky. It brought them up, up into space, where the light congealed and condensed into a ball, forming a planet! _Wowie_! So that's how it's done?

"No, it's not!" God huffed, insulted. "You have to bake it at 9,000,000 degrees for 2,000 hours, first! _Amateurs_!" He/she turned on his/her heel and stormed away.

"Their powerful will brought forth a new world in the heavens, Gaea!" Hitomi continued, ignoring the interruption. "This was the wish of Atlantis. Gee, I woulda wished for a Twinky or something… We wish, to our everlasting regret, that our foolish mistakes may never again be repeated." She paused and glanced back at Dryden. "Yeeeah, they _will_ be."

Hitomi now stood in a large and breath-taking valley, filled with green grass and blue waters. "Gaea, a beautiful world, embraced by the heavens, loved by the water, and cradled by the land…"

"Aww…that's…the prettiest thing you've ever said!" Millerna whimpered, blowing her nose loudly on a hanky.

"Uh…I was just reading the cue-cards." Hitomi said with a shrug.

"So, the power of their will created Gaea…" Dyden murmured, rubbing his chin stubble. Maybe it was time for a shave. He glanced at the monument and made a face. "A machine that can transform thought into energy…_that's_ the secret to Atlantis?"

"What did you _think_ it was?" Merle asked, swishing her tail in annoyance.

"I dunno," Dryden shrugged. "Y…you know. Like, how to get babes or something."

"You moron…"

Hitomi gazed at her pendant, still unsure.

"Yeah, but how did _this_…?" She began to ask.

"_I_ gave it to her!" A voice interrupted.

"Yeek! Who was that?" Hitomi jumped in fright and turned to see…Allen's poppa! What's _he_ doing here? He stood a few feet away, in a snowfield wearing his traveling clothes and backpack.

"Hey, cutie!" He called, winking suggestively.

"_Ugh_…" Hitomi barely managed to suppress her gag reflex.

"Hey!" Allen suddenly popped up out of nowhere. "Back off, pops! If _anyone's_ gonna hit on this here cutie, it's gonna be _me_!" He possessively placed an arm around Hitomi before doing a double-take. "Wait, _POPS_?!"

"I…I just threw up a little in my mouth…" Hitomi whispered to herself.

-With Van-

Van was still in the ruined image of Fanelia, and still almost about to crap his pants. In the distance, he could see a pink pillar blasting upward for some strange reason. Hey, where'd his mother go? Oh, forget it.

"Is this a memory from a past life?" Van murmured to himself. "Or am I just _high_? Gee, now I know how Hitomi feels. And I don't mean that cause I touched her boobies, either! _Wink_!"

"You're _not_ high, kid." A gruff voice said from behind. Van gasped and turned around to see…Balgus! Hooray! _Cheers and claps all around_. "And _that's_ called molestation. This is a memory of blood-stained Draconians," Balgus continued. "A memory from the blood that flows in _your_ veins, Lord Van!"

"Ohh, Balgus!" Van squealed happily and ran toward him. "I was sooo scared! Thank goodness you're here! I was totally gonna crap myself! Now you can- OOF!" Van had tried to grab hold of his loyal subject and instead went hurtling right through him, landing harshly on the ground below.

"You haven't changed a bit…" Balgus muttered, wondering how much he got paid for this job. "Listen to me! You mustn't shy away from your _desssstiny_! The Draconians are the descendants of Atlantis! You must _fight_ to protect Gaea from meeting the same fate!" He sighed and looked at the camera. "We're all _doomed_."

"Huh?"

"Nothing. So, anyway, you must fight with the Escaflowne! It is your desssstiny! _Oooh…haaaa…oooh…haaa_."

"You got asthma or something?"

"I'm pretending to be Darth Vader, dumbass!" Balgus shot back. "God, you're clueless."

"Yeah, well, if you're gonna be like that, then I refuse!" Van pouted. "No more! I don't wanna fight anymore! I'm sick of it! Do you _know_ how many times I've had to wash the urine stains from my pants? Not to mention the _teasing_! You just don't understand! I'M SICK OF IIIIIIT!"

-Back With Hitomi-

"Huh?" Hitomi blinked in surprise, not sure if she was seeing things correctly. She squinted her eyes and peered closer, just to be sure.

"Hitomi?" Millerna asked.

"I can see them!" Hitomi pointed at the monument, an excited look on her face. "Van and Allen are in there! I can see them!"

"_Suuuure_ you can," Millerna said soothingly, patting her shoulder and making 'coo-coo' gestures to the others at the same time. "Now, let's go back to the Crusade and get your happy pills! We're having macaroni tonight! Yummy! Can you say, MA-CA-RO-NI?"

"STOP IT!" Hitomi smacked her across the face.

"What do you see?" Merle asked, shoving the injured Millerna out of the way. Hitomi looked at the monument again. She could clearly see an image of Allen, standing sadly in front of a grave.

"Mommy!" Allen sniffled. He wiped his nose on his sleeve (eww) and glanced to the side. Next to him was an image of himself when he was younger, in front of the same grave. And of course he had no idea who it was supposed to be. "Hey, who the hell are you? Wow, you are frigging _HOT_!"

"Allen!" A voice interrupted (wow, we're getting a lot of those in this episode, huh?).

"Who's there?" Allen whipped around and stiffened in shock as his father stood before him, still in his traveling clothes. He was now gazing at his son from below the rim of his hat, deadly serious. "F-father! It's you! …And you've stolen my Sexy Gaze!"

"I _invented_ it, moron!" His father barked. He shook his head and began moving toward the building that'd appeared behind him. "I'm glad that you've come. I see that you've followed my wishes."

Hitomi was now a part of the vision, watching the father and son step onto the porch from her vantage point at the front gate.

"Now, where shall we begin?" Leon (which is Allen's father's name since I don't wanna keep calling him, 'Allen's father') asked, taking a seat on a nearby rocking chair. Allen stood at a distance, an annoyed look on his face.

"Oh, please! What could we _possibly_ have to talk about?!" He growled, looking away from his father.

"_Booty_." Leon returned, a mischievous glint in his eye.

"_Whee_! Tell me, daddy, tell me!" Allen squealed, plunking himself down onto his father's lap and kicking his feet happily. Leon grinned.

"So, you've become a Knight of Kaeli, eh? Your mother must be very proud. How is she? Is she well?"

"Uh, not really, what with her being a little _dead_ and all…" Allen responded.

"WHAT?!" Leon jumped up in surprise, throwing Allen off him with a crash. "She…she's dead?! Oh, snap." Inside, his mind was racing, trying desperately to think of something that could save his reputation. "_Thinkofsomethingthinkofsomething_! Oh, wait! I've got it!"

Leon sniffled. He snorted. He sniveled. And he began sobbing his eyes out.

"What the hell are _you_ crying for?!" Allen hollered, picking himself up off the ground.

"Anyone who has lost a loved one will always shed a tear…" Leon said softly, glad that his act had worked. Thank goodness his son was a moron.

"LIAR!" Allen stabbed a finger savagely at his father. "You never loved mommy! You broke her heart! It's because of _you_ I'm a playboy and flirt- which I should actually thank you for because I _do_ love the ladies- and I will never, _ever_ forgive you!"

"Oh, Allen…" Hitomi sighed and leaned on the gate. He was being as idiotic as ever.

"Yes, you've always sucked at it…" Balgus' voice butted in.

"I can't handle two at once!" Hitomi protested.

Over with Van, Hitomi saw him weakly holding up his sword in a vain attempt to defend himself. Eerie ghostly figures of men were attacking him from the left and right.

"No, please!" Van begged, batting at them with his blade. "Stop! _Seriously_, I just had these pants washed an hour ago! Get away from me! Get awaaaay!" He began screaming insanely and swinging his weapon around like a lunatic.

-Back in the Normal World (Like With Dryden and Stuff)-

"Oh, Van!" Hitomi gasped out, coming back to herself from the vision.

"Tell me what's going on, whore!" Merle shrilled, shaking her.

"Hmm?" Something high up above caught Dryden's eye. The golden-rimmed portal that was the entrance to the Messed-up Valley was glowing…_ominously_. "I don't like the looks of that."

"I _know_," Gaddess agreed, voice filled with disgust. "These trees _totally_ block the view of the valley, and those green vines are _so_ clashing with the white of the ruins." Dryden scowled and smacked him upside the head.

"I mean _that_!" He pointed up at the pulsing sky.

"_Oh_." Gaddess rubbed his head. "Do you think we'll be stuck here if we say any longer?"

"Not necessarily…" Dryden mused. "But…this is an _anime_, after all. This place is off of Gaea, not a part of it. It's out of our heads."

"Hitomi! Dooooo something!" Merle wailed.

"Yeah! Quit sitting on your perky ass and _do_ something!" Millerna chimed in. "Aren't you the heroine here?!"

"Shut up, both of you!" Hitomi bit her lip and tapped her foot in thought. "There's only _one_ thing I can think of right now." Rummaging in her pocket, she withdrew her pedant and gulped. "It's worth a shot." She closed her eyes and began to pray. "Oh, please! Pendant! Send Van back!"

There was a short pause.

"A-_HEM_." Milly coughed.

"Oh, fine! And Allen too!"

"_Don't_!"

"What? Who was that?" Hitomi's eyes popped open in surprise. Floating in front of her was Van's momma, with white feathers drifting around her. "Ew, you're molting."

"Silence!" Varie composed herself and looked Hitomi in the eye. "Hitomi, you must _not_ use the power of your wishes! Your wishes are routed in deep anxiety! It's…it's like the ozone layer, and your wishes are like hairspray. Get it? Such wishes only make those anxieties real!"

"My wishes…" Hitomi whispered in horror, "Are killing the _ozone_ layer?! Oh, _bleep_s!"

"She's not even listening to me!" Varie despaired, smacking herself on the forehead. "_Listen_ to me, girly! _You're_ the one who's making Van and the others suffer!"

"R…really?" Hitomi asked, tears glittering in her eyes, voice quivering like a violin string. "That's…that's…that's _AWESOME_!!!! Oop! Oop!" She broke into dance, pulling off some rather impressive moves like the Moonwalk and Funky Chicken.

"Uh…excuse me?" Varie was dumbfounded.

"Oh, what? You think I should suffer _alone_?" Hitomi stopped break-dancing and placed her hands on her hips. "I want those jerks in horrible agony! Gee, what else can I wish for? I know, I'll make a list! First is for Clay Aiken to die, then-"

"You were just fortune-telling, right?" Varie cut in. "You may have intended to predict the future, but that's _not_ what happens!"

"Oh, so that's how it works?" Hitomi asked thoughtfully, whipping out a pencil and pad of paper. "Please explain."

"Put those away!" Varie stomped her foot, a remarkable feet (a-HAH) since she was floating. "Here, I'll just show you!" She snapped her fingers and a flashback appeared of when Balgus, with his 20-foot long sword, was killed by the Invisible Losers while Fanelia was barbecued around him.

"_Oooh_." Hitomi winced, feeling a small pang of guilt.

Next was an image of Allen when he jumped in the way to protect Hitomi (and try to guilt her into sleeping with him) and received his 'mortal' wound.

"Bwahahahahahaha!" Seriously, you expected her to feel bad for that? Puh-_lease_.

Now it showed Van, writhing on a table, covered in bloody bandages from the time the idiot bonded with the Esca and got wounded.

"_Eeehh_…" Hitomi grimaced, feeling the tiniest bit sorry for that one.

Last shown was Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, splitting up.

"Oh, GOD! _I_ did that?" Hitomi gasped in horror.

"Your troubled heart, amplified by your fortune telling, chooses the most unhappy outcome, out of many untold possible futures," Varie explained, glad that Hitomi was getting the picture now. "Yes…even _now_ your heart is full of uncertainty…"

An image of Allen suddenly popped up.

"Eeeek! _Raaaape_!" Hitomi shrieked automatically, clawing at the air in front of her.

"See?" Varie proved. Now an image of Van appeared.

"What's _that_ dimwit got to do with this?" Hitomi asked rudely.

"Hey! Don't you talk about my son that way!" Varie barked. "He's just special, is all!"

"Yeah, it takes a special kind of dimwit to pee his pants every battle!" Hitomi rebounded.

"Oh, that's a foul! Try to keep the ball in the court, girly!" Varie huffed.

"So…" Hitomi ignored her. "I guess all that _is_ my fault." She glanced down at the pendant she held in her hand. "I kept pulling unhappy futures into place. My wishes did all this. …_Sweetness_! I gotta keep this in mind!"

"She hasn't learned anything!" Varie thought to herself.

As Hitomi began dancing happily again, the world around her warped into a snowfield, and a huge pinwheel passed across her line of vision.

"What the _bleep_s a pinwheel doing here?!" Hitomi paused in her pirouette and made a face.

"Hitomi!" Her grandmother's voice rang out. "Believe in them! Believe in the people you love!"

"I once heard Justin Timberlake singing," Hitomi said slowly, "and I thought _that_ was the gayest thing I'd ever hear. I was wrong."

"You little brat! Just wait, I'll spank that sass outta you!" Her grandmother appeared behind her, still young and in her pretty blue kimono.

"Just _try_, granny!" Hitomi hollered back, putting her first up. "I'll knock your block off! And who the hell ever said I love those idiots? I _hate_ them!"

-With Allen, Still in a Vision-Thingy-

Shivering violently, Allen Schezar hugged himself as the frigid wind whistled all around him and the snow fell like bullets from the heavens. He was in a snowstorm (duh) and wishing he'd put on some long-johns before going out that morning.

"Gawd, I'm freezing my _balls_ off here!" He moaned, teeth chattering and legs shaking. "Seriously, I think I have a vagina now! Where the hell _am_ I?! Eh? What's that?" Peering into the hazy distance, Allen caught sight of his father staggering through the snow, clutching his arm, which was seeping red liquid.

"S…Stupid french-fries!" He muttered to himself, stumbling through the sleet. Suddenly, a loud, steam-puffing machine came roaring toward him, cutting off his escape route and churning to a stop in front of him. A hatch opened, and Zaibach soldiers poured out and surrounded the weary traveler.

"Zaibach soldiers!" Allen gasped. "I'd better hide!" He turned to run but instead fell backwards on his rump with a squawk as he ran into his father. Wait, there's two of them? Aw, hell! I give up! _Throws hands in air_.

"They chased after me when I left the Messed-up Valley," Leon explained, gesturing to the scene playing out below. "They were relentless."

"Not right now, pops!" Allen said hurriedly, picking himself back up. "Say, you wouldn't know any good burrows or caves I could spend a day or two in for no apparent reason, would you?"

"Just watch!" Leon pointed again. "They too were after the mystery of Atlantis."

Below, the Zaibach soldiers had surrounded their prey, and all struck at the same time, driving their blades into the image of Leon.

"Eww…" Allen made a face. "Hey, wait a minute. If that's _you_ down there, then how can you be-_OHMYGODYOU'REDEAD_!!!!"

"You just _now_ realized that?!" Leon growled. "Goodness, my son's an idiot!"

"Yes, but a _horny_ idiot!" Allen corrected.

Inside the sled-machine thingy, a Zaibach soldier addressed an old man, the same old man that Leon had met in that cave on his way to the Messed-up Valley.

"Excuse me, Lord Dornkirk," he said politely, "We got him for you."

"Good!" Dornkirk (who's a bit younger here, but hey, he's _always_ old) said with satisfaction. "I hope you made that bastard pay dearly for breaking my Gameboy! The stupid son of a pig. _Sniffle_."

"Here, sir." The soldier held out an object. "We have the 'item' for you."

"Eh?" Dornkirk glanced at him, and his eyes widened with interest. Reaching out a weathered old claw, he took Leon's journal from the soldier and flipped it open, eager to read the contents. "My, my! What's in here? Let's see-_HOLYCRAPIT'S90PORN_!"

"Is there a problem, Lord?" The soldier asked. Dornkirk had gone quite red and simply stared back at the soldier for several seconds, blinking rapidly.

"No. None at all." He answered simply. "_Now get out_."

"Yes, sir!" The soldier was more than happy to oblige. He quickly rushed out the door and slammed it shut, leaving Dorny at peace with the journal filled with naughtiness. He turned back to the pages and began reading enthusiastically, only to find out…

"Dammit! Some of the pages are missing!" Dornkirk hissed. "Now I'll _never_ know how it ended! Daaaamn you! So, you won't tell me the secret of this porno, even at the cost of your family, your life? You're…so _cool_! Damn you!" He began bawling loudly, touched by Leon's determination and strong will.

Outside, the murderers dropped the useless journal back onto the snow in front of Leon, who lay dieing. The Zaibach troops departed, the snow-machine thing churning away into the distance, and Leon growled and gripped a pendant that looked like Hitomi's in his hand.

"The power of Atlantis…" He whispered harshly. "The power of my wishes…my horniness! Just one more time…I want to see that little hunny! _Please_!"

High up above, the Unseen Forces muttered to themselves, feeling a little bad for the dieing man. After several minutes of hushed discussion, the Beam o' Light departed and quickly scooped up a certain psychic girl's granny, bringing her to Leon's ailing side. He shifted, cracked open an eye, and caught sight of her.

"It's…" he gaped, thinking it was too good to be true, "it's you! Oh, JOY!" He immediately hopped up and leapt at her.

"Eeek! Pervert, you're not dieing at _all_, are you?!" Hitomi's granny shrieked, jumping back just in time.

"Oh, come on! Look, I got ketchup on my coat!" Leon held up his sleeve, which was splotched with red liquid.

"So?"

"That…that's gonna stain real bad…" he finished lamely.

"_Please_! I can't believe you!" Hitomi's granny hugged herself and stamped her feet to warm them. "I'm freezing my ass off for nothing!"

"Hey, wait!" Leon narrowed his eyes and peered closer at the girl. "You haven't changed at all! You're the same as when I saw you before! What's your secret? Botox? Liposuction? _Eating the souls of children_? Tell me!"

"Look, just stick to the lines so we can get this over with!"

"Oh, fine." Leon closed his eyes and cleared his throat. "So, the mystery of Atlantis is the power of the heart. The hunch I had back then was right! Here, I want you to take this!" He held out the pretty pink pendant to the girl. "You must believe that wishes _do_ come true! No matter where you are, they transcend time and space! Go on, take it!"

Hitomi's granny eyed the pendant warily. No _way_ would she fall for such a stupid trick! Not so with Leon.

"Ooh! Look, a naked lady!" She cried, pointing off to the left.

"Say what?!" Leon whipped around, eyes as wide as possible to see as much as he could. Hitomi's granny immediately pounced and snatched the pedant from his hand, then ran like hell. The Beam o' Light came like a loyal dog and whisked her away back home.

"Huh? Where's the boobies?" Leon looked back, confused. "Oh, damn! She tricked me! …And who the hell is singing that lovey-dovey song all throughout this scene?! It's annoying! Get outta here!" Leon sighed and sat down. "Ah, well. At least I still have mah porno." He cuddled with his journal, happy he had one last friend with him.

Suddenly, the journal began glowing unearthly, and faded away.

"Wha…no! No! _Noooooo_!" Leon howled as his precious journal disappeared from sight. Allen watched from a distance, feeling his father's pain.

"No…not the porno…_Sniffle_…" He wiped a tear from his cheek.

All the way back at Allen's old house, at the same moment that Leon's journal vanished, Allen's momma (she was still alive back then, remember?) huffed to herself, vainly trying to scrub the walls clean, which were covered with scribbles from a certain bratty blond-haired little boy who'd grow up to be a man-whore.

"Honestly! That kid!" She muttered to herself, scrubbing harder. "He won't be able to sit down for a week when I'm through with him! Hmm?" She blinked and turned her head, a strange sound catching her attention.

On a nearby table, Leon's naughty journal shimmered into view, magically appearing out of thin air. Allen's mother frowned and slowly approached the object.

"What's this? Oh, it's my loser husband's journal. What's it doing here? Let's see what's in-OHSWEETJESUS! I can never let Allen see this! He'll become a sick pervert just like his father!"

"Oh, mother…" Allen sighed, watching the scene. "Too late. You loved father until the very end. Which was about two minutes after the wedding. And father…he loved mommy too. Well, her boobies at least. And her booty."

"_Especially_ her booty!" Leon corrected from behind. They were back on the porch, having their little father-son chat.

"Then _why_ did you leave?!" Allen barked, rounding on him.

"Because I married and fathered children out of duty to my family!" Leon countered. "Do you really think I _wanted_ to sleep with her?!"

"Uh, _yes_?"

"Damn. You're good." Leon straightened his glasses. "I tried to live by denying myself. But people eventually want to break free from the thread of their fate. I saw that sweet little hunny for the second time…I finally understood…I loved your mother, Encia, very much. And her booty even more. And Allen, I love you too."

"Uh, I _really_ don't think that's something one dude should say to another dude." Allen said with a nervous cough. Leon scowled.

"_What_? There's nothing wrong with a father loving his son! Now come here and give me a hug!" Leon held out his arms expectantly.

"No way!"

"Get _over_ here and _hug_ me!" Leon lunged at him. And so ensued a series of grabs by the father and dodges by the son, a dance that confounded the viewer and left them feeling a bit disturbed. At the end, Allen had managed to escape his father's clutches, and they stood panting for breath, warily eyeing each other.

"People are such fools!" Leon continued between pants. "What does it matter if the power of Atlantis is the power of your wishes?"

"Uh, cause then it makes it _really gay_." Allen answered. Leon glared daggers at him.

"I didn't even know what I wanted, except for the booty part. Allen." Leon stood up straight and regarded his son. "Be true to yourself, and be true to your heart!" So saying, he began fading away, dwindling off into the distance.

"No, daddy! Wait!" Allen wailed, starting forward after him. "You can't just say such a lame line and then GO! Get back here! Faaaatheeeer!"

"Allen, stop!" Hitomi suddenly appeared before him, a hand raised to halt him in his path.

"Fa-OOH! Hitomi!" Allen went starry-eyed and glomped her without pause.

"Awk!"

White light blasted all around, pulling the two from the vision and back into the real world.

-Back in the Real World-

_WHUMP_!

Hitomi and Allen landed heavily onto the ground, back in the real world at long last! Wait, Allen's back? Aww…_snaps fingers in disappointment_. He lay on Hitomi, face planted in her chest.

"Mmmph mmrm mmp?" He asked. Translation: "What's going on?" Hitomi lay, stiff as a board, looking like she was about to commit double homicide.

"GET. OFF." She ground out.

"Eep!" Allen quickly scuttled away, intent on keeping his privates in one piece. "Oh, wait! Where's dad? Daaaaddy?"

"Commander!"

"Huh?" Allen looked up and saw his loyal Second-in-Command, Gaddess! Dryden and Millerna ran up, too, but no-one really cares about them, huh? Millerna shoved past Gaddess (he went flying into a hedge) and hit into Allen with a bone-crushing tackle. OWCH.

"Oh, Allen!" She squealed. "I missed you!"

"Like I said, shouldn't have gotten our hopes up." Gaddess sighed, sitting up from the bush and brushing leaves out of his hair.

"What was that?" Dryden asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Er, nothing!"

"Lemme guess…" Allen mused, "Hitomi helped me get back?"

"Uh, _DOI_! Who else?" Dryden rolled his eyes. Hitomi was ignoring the others and instead concentrating at the monument, now moving on to rescue Van from his nightmarish vision.

"_Hitomiii_?" Merle whined impatiently. "Do something about Vaaaan! I wanna glomp somebody too!"

-Back on the Other Side of the Gate-

Back on the other side of the entrance to the Messed-up Valley, Nariya and Eriya were getting bored. They'd already played Go Fish (a favorite of theirs), Charades, and Penis (in which you shout the word 'penis' louder and louder and see who can shout it loudest before getting fined). Now they just sat dully in the snow, watching the gold-rimmed entrance with obvious disinterest.

"That thing looks dangerous…" Nariya remarked off-handedly.

"Oh, I don't think so," Eriya disagreed. A pretty white bird suddenly flew into view and headed straight for the portal.

_Brrr-ZAAP!_

Someone's having fried chicken tonight!

The two girls watched as the electrocuted fowl plummeted down to earth in a plume of smoke, where it died amidst violent seizures and agony-filled squawks.

"Perhaps you're right." Eriya said nervously, backing away a little.

"Come on! I'm bored!" Nariya whined. "Let's just give it a try!"

"Oh, _fine_!" Eriya sighed but went along. The two sisters jumped up in their melefs and switched to flight mode, then began zooming toward the wide entrance.

"Nariya and Eriya just went into the Gate of Atlantis!" A soldier on the Floating Jellyfish cried.

"_What_?!" Folken looked up from his Reader's Digest, an expression of horror on his face. "No! It's too dangerous! What if they die? Then _I'll_ be the only sane person left in all of Zaibach! Stop, both of you!"

"Don't worry!" Eriya called back over her shoulder. "We're _always_ very lucky!"

"That's right!" Nariya added. "Like that time we guessed how many jellybeans were in the jar at that Zaibach party!"

"You knew because _you_ were the ones who put them IN!" Folken growled. "Get back here! I'll lose my mind without you two!"

"We'll bring your loser brother back for you!" Was their only answer. Folken ground his teeth in fury and watched helplessly as they entered the portal.

"Just a bit farther!" Nariya urged.

"Our luck never fails!" Eriya laughed. "The Unseen Forces make sure of that! Here we go!"

-Back in the Messed-up Valley-

"Uh…is that normal?" Allen asked, a hint of panic creeping into his voice. High above, the entrance of the Messed-up Valley was throbbing and pulsing strangely, for reasons yet unknown.

"What is that?" Merle whimpered, clutching Hitomi tightly.

"Get off, I can't concentrate!" She tried to push her away.

Still stuck in his vision, Van leaned tiredly on his sword in a stone-filled battlefield. Balgus stood behind him, still giving him the 'you must fight!' speech.

"Listen, Lord Van! I hear the sounds of war!"

"Listen, Balgus!" Van shot back. "I hear you shutting the eff up! How many times do I have to tell you? I don't want to fight anymore! Or at _all_! Never did! I don't want to! No means no!"

_ZOOOM_!

Oh, eff! Nariya and Eriya popped out of the portal and into the Messed-up Valley, both landing heavily on the ground with a crash.

"Oh, shiz-nit!" Allen squealed, nearly wetting himself. "It's them again!"

"Yes, we made it!" Nariya cheered.

"We really _are_ lucky!" Eriya joined in. The two attempted a high-five, but both missed by about five feet.

"What a couple of dorks…" Dryden muttered.

Back aboard the Crusade, the Escaflowne suddenly began glowing bright pink.

"Whoa! What the heck?" A crewmember sputtered, stepping back in surprise.

"Shut up!" The melef hollered. "This doesn't mean I'm gay, ya hear?!" He disappeared from the airship and promptly reappeared outside, behind the two cat-girls in a fluorescent beam of pink light.

"That was pretty gay," Nariya commented.

"Yeah, _really gay_," Eriya finished.

"SHUT UP!" The Escaflowne flushed deeply.

"It's the Escaflowne!" Allen observed, as sharp as ever.

"No, it's Lady Smith and the Black Mumbazo!" Dryden drawled. "Of COURSE it's the Escaflowne!"

"Whee! It's Lord Van!" Merle sang.

"…Van's a member of the Black Mumbazo?" Allen asked in confusion.

"BE QUIET!" Everyone shouted, having had their fill of stupid for the day. And their lifetimes.

"So…" Van opened his eyes and found himself in the pilot seat of the Escaflowne. "I guess I have you to thank for calling me back, huh, Esca?"

"Yeah, yeah. Don't mention it." The melef returned smugly.

"I didn't thank you!" Van barked.

"Too bad, you already did!" Esca jeered.

"Gay!"

"Wimp!"

"We won't let you escape this time!" Nariya challenged, stepping forward.

"That's right!" Eriya agreed, following suit. "No hiding behind the kitten!"

"_Stay out of it_!" Van and Escaflowne hollered together, still arguing hotly and not wanting to be interrupted.

"Eep!" The girls quickly backed off, whimpering in fear.

"You have to fight!" Balgus' disembodied voice spoke to Van. "Use your blood-stained hands to cut free from all the sorrow of war! _Fight_, Lord Van!"

"B…Balgus…" Van sniffled, a tear dribbling down his face. "That was _beautiful_, man."

"Just fight already!" Balgus snarled.

"But…I don't wanna…"

"Oh, for the love of…" Balgus muttered before an idea sprang to mind. "Those two girls just said Folken is hotter than you."

Everything went quiet. The birds stopped chirping, the wind stopped blowing, heck, even Millerna shut her trap. It was deathly silent for several moments.

Then the deep rumbling began.

"YOU _SKAAAANKS_!" Van roared, drawing his sword without delay, eyes full of bloodlust.

"Van, wait!" Hitomi tried in vain to stop him. "You'll get your ass kicked!"

"Believe in him!"

"Oh, man! Not you _again_!" Hitomi groaned and turned to see her young grandmother standing behind her yet again. "Would you just go away?!"

"Listen to me, Hitomi!" Her granny said firmly. "If your anxiety makes bad things happened, then the opposite should come true, _neeeh_?"

"So, if I believe in Van, he'll win?" Hitomi asked incredulously.

"_Pffft_." Her granny busted up laughing. "Yeah, right! That wuss is so dead!"

"I thought so," Hitomi said with a sigh.

Escaflowne stood before the two sexy Guymelefs, not budging an inch, with a dangerous look in its eye. Nariya and Eriya began feeling a bit doubtful.

"S-Sister? What now?" Eriya asked nervously.

"He's different from last time…" Nariya murmured to herself. "He's much less of a pansy…_damn_."

_Tinkle Tinkle._

"Eww! You peed in me again!"

"Sorry! It just slipped out!"

"He hasn't changed one bit!" The sisters realized. The loser was just trying to _act_ tough!

"Escaflowne's pain is my pain." Van said levelly, tightening his grip of the Esca's controls ("Ow! Not so hard, bastard!") and hoping he sounded like a bad-ass. "The pain…of war!" He took a step forward. "If this war won't end, then I'll be the one to shoulder the burden! I'll shoulder the karma of war! Along with the sorrow of the dead! Then everyone will _have_ to accept me as a hero! I'm a friggin' genius!" He swung his blade up and over his head, ready to do battle.

_SCROOOM_!

The much-famous Beam o' Light took this of all times to come smashing down and engulf all three melefs in its rays. The ground shook violently, and everything went white.

"What the hell is going _on_ in there?" Folken growled, feeling left out. "They better not have a DJ in there or I _swear_ I'll…_uh-oh_."

The golden-rimmed portal to the Messed-up Valley had started to crack.

"Awww, monkey balls." Folken despaired. No doubt he'd soon be all alone with…_Dornkirk_. Folken contemplated how much a length of thick rope cost and watched as the gateway exploded apart.

_BOOOM_!

"Incoming shockwave!" A soldier reported.

"Ya _think_?!" Folken shot at him, throwing his shoe at him to boot (a-ha-ha. Oh God. _Shoots self_). "Oh, wait! Crap! I still haven't brainwashed that idiot of a brother! Van! _Nooo_!"

-Later, After the Explosion-

Well, the gateway was gone and the route to the Messed-up Valley was no more. Thankfully our heroes had managed to escape after the explosion (thanks to the Unseen Forces, of course), and were now standing in the snowfield that they'd first ventured in before finding the portal in the first place.

"The Messed-up Valley…" Allen said sadly. "It's gone…goodbye, daddy! I'll make you proud with my horny ways! Keep the torch lit!"

"Vaaaan!" Merle called loudly to the unmoving Escaflowne. "You can come out now! The girls are gone, so quit hiding!"

"I am not!" Van barked loudly, then paused. "…But seriously, are they gone?"

"Yes! Come _out_!"

Van waited several seconds more, just in case, then popped open the hatch to the Escaflowne and sat up.

"Thank God they're gone or else I would have- _AWGH_!" Van flung himself backwards as an orb containing a mini-Varie appeared before him. "Dammit mom, stop making me look bad!"

"The power of Atlantis mustn't be reawakened!" Varie said firmly, growing until she was life-size and floating in the air in front of her loser son.

"It's Van's mother!" Hitomi gasped, gazing upward.

"You high, girly?" Merle asked, looking left and right. "I don't see anything!"

"That's cause you're not the chosen one!" Hitomi said smugly. "Nyaaah!"

_Bonk_!

"Ow!"

"Please, my son, don't forget!" Varie begged. "Change your underwear every day, and brush your teeth before going to bed!"

"Mo_THER_!" Van wailed, going red with embarrassment.

"Oh, and also, it's your will that determines Gaea's future. It's all up to you!" She paused and looked at the camera. "We're dead."

"Mommy, no!" Van started forward, but Varie was already fading away.

"And don't forget to wash behind your ears, Vaaaaan!" Varie flew up into the sky and disappeared. A glowing orb replaced her and floated down into Van's waiting hand. It was a beautiful sea-green, and probably very expensive. I give Van five minutes before he breaks it.

"It's…it's…" Van said in amazement, then turned to the others. "What is it?"

"It's an _Energist_, stupid!" Hitomi hollered.

"Oh. I totally knew that." Van looked down at the orb again. Right on cue, the Escaflowne's own Energist began glowing a soft pink.

"Oh, _great_." Hitomi rolled her eyes. "_Now_ what's wrong with that stupid thing?"

-Episode 17 End-

(Cliffhanger! Hahaha! No, Get Outta Here, Sylvester! You're Ruining My Ending, GAWD!)

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Whelp, that was fun. Now I'll be going to throw myself to the wolves – finals is next week so it'll probably take me a while to do the next episode. Sorry! Hope you liked it! Review, please!


	18. Episode 18: The Stupidity of Destiny

Author's Note: Wheee! I'm done this semester! Hooray! _Does the happy no-more-school dance_. Well, I finally get to do my Esca thing. Lucky for all of you, there's a crapload of Dorny-baby in this episode! Oh, boy! Can't wait to see what dumb crap he does! It's just so fun to make him silly! Let's go! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 18

The Stupidity of Destiny

Recap: The company pass through the gate and enter the Messed-up Valley successfully, leaving Folken and his two ho's in the dust. Once inside, Hitomi, Van, and Allen (surprise!) disappear, much to the delight of, well, _everyone_. Van and Allen are trapped in some kind of freaky vision-thing while Hitomi is unaffected, and she finds a huge monument in the ruins of the Valley that tells how the Atlanteans were so full of themselves that they destroyed their own city with all their smug. Hitomi is then pulled from one vision to another as both Allen and Van are forced to face ghosts from their pasts (poor girl, must feel like a yo-yo). She watches as Allen's father, Leon, appears before his (stupid) son and tells him how he fled from the Messed-up Valley, lost his precious porn-filled journal, and gave the pendant to Hitomi's granny who stopped by for a sec before he kicked the bucket. Before she can use her psychic powers to help the two losers out, Van's momma stops Hitomi and tells her that _she's_ the reason everyone's suffering. What, and that's _bad_? Hitomi is finally able to pull Allen free from his vision, then sets her sights on saving Van. Back on the other side of the gateway, Nariya and Eriya (persuaded by the Unseen Forces) decide to risk it and make it through the portal. Uh-oh! Thankfully this triggers the Escaflowne to appear with Van inside, so it's not _all_ bad. Before Van can fight the girls (I.E., run the hell away), a Beam o' Light comes and scoops them all back to the real world. The good guys are all together again, and Van's momma makes another appearance to give her son a pretty crystal-thingy that's supposedly an Energist. Then the Esca starts glowing like crazy. What else is new?

Van stood on the seated Escaflowne, which was emitting a now familiar pink light from the Energist inset on its chest. The blue-green crystal in the boy king's hand glowed in answer, making him squint at the bright light and also searing his hand with its growing heat. Of course it took several seconds for the pain to register.

"Oooh! It's so puuurty!" Van cooed, gazing at his present in awe. "It reminds me of- ow! Ow! Owwwie! Burning my hand! Scalded flesh! _Owww_!"

"Then put it _down_, retard!" Hitomi barked. "I swear! Huh?" She looked down in surprise. She was holding her small pendant in her hand and it had just started to glow, too. "Geez, what is this? A freakin' Glowing Party or something?!"

"What's going on?" Dryden wondered to himself while rubbing his chin stubble. Maybe it was time for a shave.

"The Escaflowne is…" Allen whispered, becoming insanely jealous. "This isn't fair! Why can't _my_ dead mother rise up from the grave and give _me_ something?! That useless old hag!"

"She'd probably just give you a smack upside the head," Gaddess commented.

"Yeah, you're probably right," Allen sighed. "Hey, wait! Shut up!"

"Lord Vaaaan!" Merle, desperate for attention, shoved past the men (excluding Allen) and began running toward her beloved scratching post. Van saw her coming and panicked.

"Oh, _eff_! Where's a beam of light when you need one?!" Van contemplated throwing his new Energist at her to ward the brat off. As if on cue, a Beam o' Light blasted into view, but had another target besides Van. It wrapped around Hitomi and began pulling her up off the ground.

"Waaah! What's this?" Hitomi cried out.

"_Hitomi_!" Allen gasped in horror, concern clear in his eyes. Hitomi blinked in surprise, touched at his passionate reaction. Gee, maybe he _did_ care about her... "You're not wearing your pink panties today!" Seriously, she'd been foolish to get her hopes up in the first place.

"Hey, wow, she isn't." Dryden observed. Gaddess nodded in agreement.

"What the heck am I thinking?" Hitomi growled. "Take me home, dammit!" She began swimming in the air, desperately trying to leave the gang of nimrods now positioned beneath her for optimal viewing pleasure.

Another Beam o' Light (most probably the first one's hillbilly cousin) joined the entourage and engulfed the Escaflowne and its passenger. Neither were very pleased.

"Not this _again_!" The Guymelef complained. "I'm getting sick of this! _Literally_! They really need to give me a barf-bag or something during these trips!"

"Owww! My eyes!" Van shrieked in pain. "My hand! My eyes! My hand!"

"Nooo, Hitomi!" Allen howled and threw himself toward the disappearing psychic girl. He was stopped by Princess Millerna, who violently tackled him to the ground (probably shattering several of his ribs in the process) and twisted his arms behind his back to pin him securely down.

"Let her go, Allen!" She hissed in his ear. "It's fate! Just sit back and let it happen!"

"No, I can't! Get offa me!" With a surge of adrenaline (or horniness), Allen was able to shove Millerna off him and dashed toward Hitomi, slipping into the Beam o' Light just as it winked out. The one surrounding Van and the Esca vanished also, leaving Merle, Dryden, Millerna, and the crew of the Crusade aaaall alone.

"They're _gone_…" Gaddess murmured in awe. He quickly got down on his knees and clasped his hands together in prayer. He looked up at the sky reverently and fluttered his eyelashes. "Are you there, God? It's me, Gaddess. Please, don't ever, _EVER_ let those guys come back. …Please? I'll…I'll stop thinking murderous thoughts about the others, I swear!"

"Knock it off!" Merle shut him up with a solid bonk on the head.

"Man, why does all the cool stuff happen to that idiot Allen and not _me_?!" Dryden despaired, kicking at the dirt. Millerna patted his shoulder kindly.

"What did you expect? We're only secondary characters, after all."

"Oh, no!" Merle sniffled, trying to hold back tears. "Lord Van's disappeared again! That whore better keep her paws offa him!"

-Far, Far Away in Zaibach-

It was nighttime in Zaibach. Inside the huge factory of the mechanized city, numerous sorcerers were hard at work watching bubbling green test-tubes, adjusting twitching dials, and playing Twister ("Ha, ha! Left hand green! You have to touch his ass!"). They called out their progress to the other workers, so they'd all know what was going on and what was happening.

"Power spot energy influx 72!" One called out.

"Causality detector, normal!" Another answered.

"Move to G7!" Came another.

"G7? You sank my battleship!" Was the answer.

_BONK_!

"Quit screwing around and get back to work!"

"Y-yes, sir."

Two sorcerers stood before one of the large, bubbling test-tubes.

"Fate oscillator has reached critical level," one commented.

"Power spot energy charge one hundred," the other answered. "Fluctuation rhythm point-zero-three! Value within tolerances."

"Dude, I have _no_ idea what the hell we just said," the first one admitted.

"Me, neither," the second one replied.

-With Dornkirk (Wheee!) In the Same Building-

Dornkirk sat in his large, bulky throne, his long white hair spread out around him like a blanket. The reports he'd gotten were most pleasing, and the Victoria's Secret catalog he'd just gotten in the mail helped to brighten his mood even further.

"Wonderful!" He mused to himself. "The time has come! The day that I have imagined for so long has _finally_ come!" After a short pause, he lifted a Wiimote and gazed at it lovingly. "I finally got myself a _Wii_! Now I'll play with it _all night long_! _Dirty chuckle_."

His subordinate groaned in pain at his leader's lame-ass joke.

"SHUT UP! You just don't understand _real_ humor!"

"Sir, please try to concentrate!" The soldier reminded.

"Oh, FINE." Dornkirk pouted and rolled his eyes dramatically. "You there! Alter the, uh…fate thingy! Or whatever."

"Altering fate!" The sorcerers repeated obediently.

"Altering fate!"

"Altering fate!"

"Hmm…" Dornkirk chewed on his moustache, a mischievous look in his eye. "I'm a butt-pirate!"

"I'm a butt-pirate!"

"I'm a butt-pirate!"

"I'm a butt…HEY!"

Dornkirk burst out laughing (which was pretty much gasping cackles, since his lungs were almost all dried out). Up above, the huge globe that hung over him began glowing in response to the 'altering fate' thing that'd just been activated. Oh, but Dorny was _ready _this time.

"Good thing I got those _dimmer_ switches!" He said smugly, reaching over to fiddle with the white knob nearby and adjust the level of light coming from the sphere. After several twists, the button began sparking violently and shorted out. This, of course, caused the globe from above to explode with light, which quite severely blinded the decrepit old man. "IEEEE! Damn you, Bob Villa! You owe me a set of eyeballs!"

"It's because you insisted on installing them _yourself_!" The subordinate howled, trying to shade his eyes from the searing rays.

"If I could see you, I'd kick you in the _nuts_!" Was all Dornkirk could say.

Outside, tubes began glowing all over the darkened city, lighting up connecting paths and creating a large mystical emblem throughout the whole metropolis. Right below it, in much smaller font, a few lighted tubes spelled out 'Folken Is Gay'. Inside his room, Dornkirk chuckled to himself.

"Okay, show it to me!" He cried, peering up into his telescope expectantly. "That girl's sexy legs! Show me!"

"Sir, get back on track!" The same subordinate prompted. Dornkirk sighed but relented.

"Show me my dream!" He corrected. "Show me my ideal!" The huge globe suspended from the ceiling suddenly turned blood red. "…Well," Dornkirk said smartly, "_THAT'S _not good. What's wrong with this thing _now_? Why the heck isn't it working? I set it up just like in the manual, and NOTHING!"

The Wii sat before him, all set up but still not responding.

"Uh, sir?" His helper said, uh, helpfully. "You just need to push this button."

"Oh."

_Beep_!

"Whee!" Dornkirk squealed in delight as the console started up. "Time to make myself a Mii! Ooh, I'll make one for Folken, too! It'll be a surprise! _Giggle_!"

Suddenly, the Beam o' Light appeared a few feet away and deposited Allen, Van, and Hitomi right onto Dorny's beloved Wii.

_CRUNCH_!

"Oh, my _ass_!" Allen howled in pain. "I think it's punctured!"

"Uh, does it look like we _care_?" Van rudely pointed out. He grasped Hitomi's hand and started helping her up. _Started_ to. "Oh, hey! The Escaflowne's right over there!"

_Thud_!

"I'm gonna kill that jerk!" Hitomi thought to herself as she watched Van jog over to the Guymelef excitedly.

"Hey, buddy!" Van said in an overly-sweet voice. "How ya doing? I missed you!"

"You areNOThiding inside me," the melef responded firmly.

"_You stupid son of a_- I mean, uh, how could you say that? I'm so insulted!"

"It must have been sent here with us," Allen realized, keenly observing the large amounts of postage stamps plastered all over the white melef's spotless visage.

"Okay, someone get me away from these idiots!" Hitomi grumbled, standing up. Van gasped in surprise and peered at the Escaflowne's chest, where its Energist shone.

"Hey, what's with your light?" He asked. "It's green now! I liked the pink one better!"

"The pink was gay," the Escaflowne responded.

"'_The pink was gay'_!" Van mimicked. "YOU'RE gay!" He reached forward and lightly touched the Energist. One huge lightening bolt and a charred King of Fanelia later, Van went flying back as he was electrocuted by the Escaflowne's new and improved security system. "Oww_wwie_! What the hell was _that_? Why didn't you warn me, you bastard?!"

"Gee, I dunno…" the Escaflowne responded innocently. "Maybe because I'm GAY."

"I'm gonna-" Van stepped forward, but was stopped by Hitomi.

"Don't start anything, Van! Be the bigger man!"

"But…" Van's lower lip trembled, and he looked from himself to the huge melef in confusion. "But _he's_ the bigger man."

"Ok, never mind! Do whatever the hell you want!" Hitomi let go of Van and flung her hands up in the air. Seriously, why did she even try?

"Putting that aside, someone tell me what's going on!" Van demanded.

"I think we're in some kind of building," Hitomi answered.

"No, _really_?" Allen drawled sarcastically. "Even _I_ know that, what with the walls and ceiling!"

"Alright." Hitomi closed her eyes and jabbed a finger at each guy. "Screw you, and screw you. Let's just think of how to get out of here!"

The floor suddenly began rumbling beneath them, groaning loudly as it slowly moved upwards. Hitomi squawked in surprise and fell on her rump, while the men flailed their arms like pinwheels to keep their balance.

"Hey! Why's the floor moving?" Allen gasped.

"Wheee!" Van was actually having fun. "It's like riding a skateboard! Oh, wait, I suck at that- AWGH!"

_Thud_!

"Welcome, ye who are bound to the fate of the Dragon!" A creepy voice intoned as the moving floor finally reached the top part of the room. Van immediately began quaking in his boots and glancing around nervously.

"Who's there?!" He called out. "Where are you?!"

"I am…" The lights snapped on dramatically, to reveal the speaker of the voice, the great, esteemed, proud-

"You're turned the wrong way, retard!" Hitomi barked.

"Oh, I am?" Dornkirk craned his neck back and looked over his shoulder. Indeed, the three do-gooders were positioned _behind_ him and his huge seat-contraption thing instead of in front, where the moving floor had been supposed to take them. "Well, crap. Sorry 'bout that. Here, lemme just…"

Dornkirk took hold of his remote controls for his big wheelchair and began trying to turn himself the right way by moving the levers. It didn't really work.

"L-lemme just…no…dammit! Stupid…frigging…I just got this thing! It's not my fault! No…dang…to the left…I SAID THE LEFT! Oh, come _on_!"

-A Little While Later-

Dornkirk sat very red-faced and embarrassed before Van, Hitomi, and Allen, finally having been able to turn his wheelchair around with both their help and almost his entire staff. Granted, he'd run them all over in the process, and made a mental note to hire some new men. He then promptly forgot about it five seconds later.

"Who the heck are you?" Hitomi asked. She tried to back away a little but was instantly shoved forward by Van and Allen, who cowered behind her.

"Are you the one who brought us here?" Van asked, peeking around the psychic-girl shield.

"No, Ryan Seacrest did." Dornkirk rolled his eyes. "Of COURSE it was me!"

"_Oooh_! Am I the American Idol?" Allen's eyes sparkled once he heard the name of the world's most annoying TV-host. "I can sing real good! Here I go!" He cleared his throat and began. "_Don't cha wish your girlfriend was HOT like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me_?" Hitomi swiftly kicked him in the nuts to shut him up.

"Anyway," Dornkirk continued, despite his bleeding ears, "I was indeed the one who called you guys here. Everything answers fate's call!"

"…Is Fate some kind of telemarketer or something?" Van asked, confused. "Because I _hate_ those guys!"

"Oh, I _know_!" Allen managed to spout from the ground. "They always call when you're-" Hitomi silenced him with another kick. And two more, just in case. And one last one for the time he'd tried to touch her chest.

"Enough!" Dornkirk interrupted dramatically, bringing all eyes to him. "_I_ am he who guides Gaea to her future! The Leader of the Zaibach Empire! _I am Dorn_-"

"Lord Dornkirk!" A young nurse suddenly popped her head in through the door. "It's time to change your diaper!"

"Not NOW, dammit!" Dornkirk hissed, going red. "You're ruining my monologue, _GAWD_!"

"B-but sir, I have your applesauce and medicine, too-"

"Get out already!" Dornkirk was nearly dieing from embarrassment.

Allen, Hitomi, and Van began giggling as the nurse shrugged her shoulders and closed the door behind her.

"As I was saying," Dornkirk continued, "_I am_…er…hold on a sec…" He screwed up his face, and a strong, sickening smell wafted into the room, accompanied by a high-pitched farting sound.

"Tell me that _didn't_ just happen." Hitomi whispered, holding her nose.

"Yeah, it did," Van answered, since Allen was dry-heaving off to the side somewhere.

"Oh, _eff_, I think it's leaking." Dornkirk stared forlornly down at his lap. "Maybe I _should_ have let her change it. _Maggieeee_!"

"Okay, _that's_ Dornkirk?" Allen asked in disgust, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he shuffled over. "_That's_ the Leader of Zaibach, our mortal enemy? You've got to be friggin' kidding me. He's worse than _I_ am! And that's saying something!"

"We've landed in the heart of Zaibach." Van whispered savagely, his eyes opened so wide you could see whites all around. He seized hold of Hitomi by her shirt and yanked her so close their noses were almost touching. "Do you know what this MEANS?!"

"Um…" Hitomi blinked rapidly. "No free refills?"

"Well, yes it does," Van agreed, "BUT NO! It means that right now, at this very instant, we are in the most _dangerous place possible_ for us to be! EVER! My God…we have to get outta here! I'm…I'm gonna crap myself!" Whipping out a paper bag, Van began breathing into it loudly, trying to calm himself. Hitomi got an idea.

"Van, if he's the Leader of Zaibach, then doesn't it mean that he's the man your brother serves?"

Everything went deathly silent.

"Oh, _bleep_." Hitomi thought quietly, wondering if she should have done that.

"You BASTAAAAAARD!" Van rose up and charged at the decrepit old man, grabbing hold of Allen's blade as he went.

"Hey, that's mine, you little brat!" Allen protested. "Well, I've never really _used_ it, per say, but it's still mine!" Van stopped in his tracks and stared back at the Knight with bloodlust in his eyes. "Er, but I don't mind you taking it at all! In fact, you can keep it! And here's my lunch-money, too!" Van frowned, took the cash, then turned to Dornkirk, brandishing the almost-new sword of Allen's.

"If I kill you, all the tragedy of Gaea will end!" He hissed.

"Huh?" Dornkirk blinked and looked up. "You say something?" Having given up on his now demolished Wii, the esteemed Leader of Zaibach had flipped his DS open and was enjoying an engaging game of Brain Age. "Wha…what the _eff_?! -6?! Is that even freaking possible?! This game sucks!"

"Dude, I heard a _broom_ took it and got a _3_," Dornkirk's subordinate (who had miraculously survived the killer-wheelchair incident) murmured.

"Answer me, damn you!" Van growled, in no mood for games (oh, snap! Oh, snap! _Holds up hand to be slapped_. …Fine, forget it! _Hi-fives self and goes to sulk in a corner_). Dornkirk sighed, but paused his game.

"Listen, squirt," he said, looking down at Van. "Conflict will arise at any time, and in any place. War is the dessstiny in which humanity can never wash its hands." He paused and beamed with pride. "Damn, I'm cool!"

"You read that all off a cue-card!" Allen complained, pointing at a person holding up large posters with print on it several feet away. Dornkirk frowned and pushed a button. Flaming rottweilers leapt from cages and devoured the unfortunate soul rather messily.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Dornkirk stated innocently.

"What do you know about destiny?" Van said angrily, still pointing his sword at the old man.

"I possess the power to predict fate!" Dornkirk declared smugly. "Just as the people of Atlantis were once able to do! Plus I have a smokin' hot bod." He wiggled himself seductively as best he could in his chair.

Allen promptly began another round of dry-heaves while Hitomi rushed over to a nearby corner to lose her lunch. Van gagged loudly but just managed to keep it in.

"Seriously, you do that again, and I'll kill you," he threatened.

"_Jealous_?" Dornkirk asked, raising an eyebrow and cocking his head at an angle. "Awgh! Crap, I…I think I popped something there." Hitomi and Allen crawled back to Van's side, feeling sick.

"W-wait!" Hitomi panted, thinking fast. "People of Atlantis? Are you…Isaac?"

"_That_ was my old name," Dornkirk said with a sniff. "After, I changed it to Puff Dornkirk, then P. Dorny. Now, it's just Dornkirk. Get it right! Isaac was the name I used on earth when I wanted to make sure my checks bounced."

"You're saying Zaibach's Emperor is a man from the Messed-up Moon?" Van asked in astonishment.

"Oh, what are you? _Racist_?" Dornkirk bristled.

"Wait!" Suddenly the cogs clicked together in Allen's head (rusty as they were). "_You're_ the Isaac that my poppa met while searching for the Messed-up Valley!"

"Hmm?" Dornkirk narrowed his eyes and peered blearily at the blond-haired man. "You're Leon's son? I'm not too sure…"

To prove himself, Allen pinched Hitomi's ass.

"Hey!"

_Smack_!

"Okay, you're _definitely_ his son." Dornkirk nodded. "Fate brought you here as well! Leon, that bastard! I'll never forgive him! He broke my first Gameboy! If only he had told me the ending to that porno of his!"

"Uh, don't you mean 'the secret of Atlantis'?" Hitomi corrected.

"Oh, yeah. That too, I guess."

"I'll never tell you the ending of the porno!" Allen howled in protest. "_Never_!"

"Too bad!" Dornkirk laughed maniacally. "I already have a plan to figure it out! I've finally completed the Atlantis Machine! I'll use it to find out the ending! Mwahahahaha!"

"You…you _monster_!" Allen sobbed.

"Tell me why!" Hitomi demanded angrily, stepping forward. "Why did you come to Gaea? If you hadn't come here, everyone would be happy! Stupid, but happy!"

"Hmm. Nice legs." Dornkirk hadn't heard a word she'd said.

"You perverted old fart! Listen to me!" Hitomi squawked and yanked her skirt down to cover her thighs.

"Girlie," Dornkirk explained, "Gaea was steeped in the blood of war waaay before I arrived, mmkay? I just…gave it a second coat."

"That's still not a good enough excuse!" Hitomi argued.

"It's just like the planet Earth," Dornkirk continued. "A long, _really_ long time ago, a question took hold of me. 'How can I get more booty?' You see, all bodies have a certain force, which draws them together. This is called horniness, but some call it gravity. It's also what makes you fall over and hit your head when you're _totally_ wasted. Not like I would know." He blinked rapidly several times and tried not to look guilty.

"I think my head's gonna explode!" Van groaned in pain.

"Too much…_learning_!" Allen was right beside him.

"And you know all of this…because…?" Hitomi prompted, curious.

"I wonder why it is that such an invisible force exists!" Dorny went on. "It's the way of the world that people are drawn to each other, and why _I'm_ drawn to booty!"

"Here, I'll be an example!" Allen readily volunteered. "Shwoooop!" He slid over and tightly wrapped his arms around Hitomi in a death-grip.

"Gaaah! Get your hands offa me, jackass!" Hitomi gurgled, struggling.

"I caaan't!" Allen sang. "It's not my fault, it's gravity!"

"I wanna try it…" Van mumbled, looking at Hitomi and Allen with envy.

"Don't you frigging _dare_!" Hitomi hissed, freeing an arm and using it to sock Allen in the jaw.

"SILENCE!" Dornkirk interrupted, wanting everyone's attention back on himself. "Gravity makes people kill each other as well!"

"Amen to _that_!" Hitomi agreed, wrapping her hands around Allen's throat. "Now it's _my_ turn to be an example!"

"All varieties of order exist in the world through this endless repetition of death," Dornkirk continued, unaware that no-one was even listening. "But what is the source of all that order?"

"I'll take a Happy Meal!" Allen squealed, reacting to the word 'order'. "And a Bratz doll for the toy, please!"

"Uh, I guess I'll have a Diabetes Explosion and one Heart Attack on a Bun," Van called.

"We already used this joke!" Hitomi yelled.

"…So?"

"…Okay, fine. I'll have a chocolate shake and some fries."

"I want an Oreo McFlurry!" Dornkirk sang. "Oh, wait. I mean, listen to me, you little brats! The source of that order is _dessstiny_! That fundamental force that governs the universe!"

"Man, how does he know all those big words?" Van whispered.

"He's got them written in his curlers!" Allen accused.

Dornkirk's skinny finger hovered over the button to call the flaming dogs, but thought better since he was quite allergic to getting fire in his hair. He'd just ignore the stupid bastard.

"But how do you define dessstiny?" Dornkirk asked. The scene changed to show his past, while the present Dorny's voice narrated. It showed an alchemic laboratory, complete with a dead chicken, some bubbling vials and tubes, and a Super Nintendo console. "Does it obey the same laws? To solve the mystery, I spent my life in research and experimentation!"

The scene skipped forward to show a somewhat younger Dornkirk (with shorter, curly white hair and moustache, a red tunic, and…wait for it…_tights_. My GOD) performing experiments, playing Sudoku, and accidentally coming up with the recipe for crack-cocaine. Edward and Alphonse Elric suddenly opened the door and entered.

"This is a different kind of alchemy!" The young Dorny barked. "Get the _eff_ out! I don't have the philosopher's stone!" The Elric brother sighed and left. Dornkirk huffed and went back to work.

"However, I was unable to find a solution!" Dornkirk's voice explained. "Even at death's door, my desire for booty did not weaken! It grew and grew!" Now the younger Dornkirk was laying in bed, his beloved Gameboy (with the hideous red light in the corner blinking for low battery) at his side, both dying. Weakly raising a weathered old hand, the dying man uttered one last plea to the gods.

"I…must get _booty_!" He rasped. "I must know the secret of getting unlimited booty!" Outside the window, lightning struck, and everything went white.

"I found myself looking upon a strange land…" Dornkirk described.

The scene changed to show Dornkirk standing in front of a Hooters restaurant.

"Er, maybe we'd better skip that part." Dornkirk coughed nervously.

"Ewww!" Hitomi made a face.

"Do you _have_ to?" Allen was disappointed.

"Okay, after that I went to _another_ strange land," Dornkirk went on. "It was a wasted land, with two moons in the sky!" The scene switched once again to show the younger version of Dorny standing on a hill, overlooking a distant town while two huge moons (including the Messed-up Moon!) hung in the sky. "The place was Zaibach, and it really, _really_ needed an Extreme Home Makeover. It was a barren land, with a harsh climate, and a people who lived by harvesting her meager bounty. They suffered under constant fear of invasion, and even worse, _circus_ _people_! Theirs was a cruel fate!"

Scenes of the people of Zaibach came into view, with them toiling in the fields, lying in the streets under the roasting sun, and fighting off carnies.

"And then it came to me! I had come to _save_ these losers, to get them to work _for_ me and get me booty! I gave them everything I had. I gave them wisdom, called _porno_!"

Now it showed young Dornkirk standing on a small rise, preaching to the people of Zaibach. The women looked disgusted while all the men were spell-bound. Friggin' males.

"I told them to stop being lame and that building stuff was fun, like legos!"

It showed the people of Zaibach starting to build their city, making Guymelefs, and playing with legos.

"The people followed my wishes, and the utopia of booty-er, Zaibach, was founded!" An image of Zaibach, as it now is, was shown. "And _then_, I heard the legends of the Wii!"

"Atlantis." Hitomi corrected.

"Er, of Atlantis! How they created Gaea, and the Wii!" Dornkirk raised his arms dramatically.

"No they didn't, Nintendo did." Van muttered. "And will he stop talking about the Wii?"

"At least the story-telling is over," Hitomi sighed.

"The story-what? I was brushing my hair." Allen, his hair now shiny and silky smooth, turned back to the others.

"That was my ideal!" Dornkirk finished. "This ability of Atlantis to create dessstiny! Ever since, I have devoted all my knowledge to continuing my search for those principles. Finally, I have built _this_! A device which creates dessstiny!"

"Don't you mean 'destiny'?" Van asked.

"No, no." Dornkirk shook his head. "You gotta say it like this. _Dessstiny_! Anyway, they say that the people of Atlantis converted human thought into energy, controlling their destiny at will, and could even get all the booty they wanted! Gaea is also one of Atlantis's creations, just like the Wii!"  
"_It was Nintendo_!" Van snapped.

"Gaea was created by Atlantis?" Allen repeated stupidly.

"Okay, you've heard it, like, three times already." Hitomi said, exasperated.

"Gaea was created by Atlantis?" Allen said again.

"I think it takes a few times for it to sink in," Van whispered in her ear. "By the way, you smell nice."

_Smack_!

"To operate a machine which creates this wonderful power," Dorny continued, "I had to find a powerspot, the place of infinite power that the Atlanteans left here on Gaea! …Either that or a three-prong outlet, but that was almost _impossible_."

"Haha!" Allen chortled. "It's like those idiots forgot to turn their stove off before leaving!" Both Hitomi and Van smacked him.

"I checked _that_ ma off the list by conquering Mongolia, oh, er, _Freid_. And now…the final key…the Dragon, Escaflowne! He must be pulled to me by the threads of fate!" Dornkirk gestured to the Escaflowne, who sat a small distance away, extremely bored.

"DUDE!" The melef hollered. "How many times to I hafta say it? I don't swing that way! I'm STRAIGHT!"

"Hey, you keep your mitts offa my Escaflowne!" Van growled, coming to his friend's defense. "I need him to protect me in battle! Without him, I'd probably be dead in like, _two seconds_!" …Okay, forget the friend thing. Van's just a wuss. "Hey, I heard that!" Shut up. "_You_ shut up!"

A two-ton piano fell out of nowhere and crushed Van underneath.

"O…okay. I give up. You win." He whimpered from underneath the wreckage of the musical instrument. Yeah, I _thought_ so. "But…but I really _do_ need the Escaflowne so I won't get my ass kicked…"

"You're welcome!" The Escaflowne called over.

"_I didn't thank you_!"

"It's what I've dreamed about for so very long!" Dornkirk said dreamily, eyes sparkling. The Escaflowne was thoroughly disgusted.

"Old guy, you're _totally_ freaking me out! Don't you even _try_ anything!"

"The legendary Atlantis Machine!" Dornkirk declared proudly. "My Fate-Alteration Engine is finally complete!"

"Your whaty-whatin?" Van asked, confused.

"Smaller words, please." Hitomi patted his shoulder. "Hey, wait! That's not right! Quit messing with people's lives, you shriveled up old quack! By stupidly using a machine to change destiny, you've made a bunch of people _suffer_!" She thought back to the town of Fanelia having a barbecue (with no grill, if you know what I mean), Freid destroyed, Genghis Kahn dying, Van sobbing, Allen crying… "…Wow. Can I hug you? Aaagh! No, it's wrong! _Wrong, wrong, wrong_!"

"Woo-hoo! You're a bold one, eh?" Dornkirk winked at her. "Sacrifices are a necessary factor in creating a new dessstiny. A small misfortune becomes the cornerstone to a greater happiness. If I can create a perfect fate, we ALL can be blessed with a perfect existence!"

"Hey, that sounds kinda nice-"

"Shut up, Allen!" Hitomi cut him off. "It's wrong! You!" She pointed at Dornkirk, who was busy picking his nose. "_You're_ the reason I'm here with these buffoons! I'll never forgive you! It's wrong to be happy with a fate created by some machine! You're…you're CRAZY!"

Suddenly, Hitomi found herself on a gloomy, crater-filled planet that looked a heck of a lot like the moon. She blinked in surprise and looked around. The ground beneath her feet began to shake, and the small planet blew up in a fiery explosion. Whoa, what the hell's going on? Hitomi screamed, came back to the present, and began falling over backwards in a daze.

"_I'll_ catch you, Hitomi!" Allen sang, wanting to score brownie points with the psychic girl (or score anything at all, _wink wink_).

"No, _I_ will!" Van shoved him out of the way and went to catch Hitomi. Allen jumped up and fought back.

"Why you little brat! Get away!"

"Back off! _I'm_ catching her!"

They began squabbling, slapping at each other prissily and yelling all the while.

_THUD_!

"Oh, _crap_." Both boys whispered.

"You two…" Hitomi ground out, head throbbing from where she'd hit it against the floor, "Are DEAD!"

"Now sit back and watch with me!" Dornkirk suggested creepily. "Sit back and watch… a Cinderella Story with Hilary Duff! It's my _favorite_! Here's some soda and popcorn!"

"Aww, that movie _sucks_!" Hitomi whined.

"This is torture!" Van gagged.

"Whee! Start it already!" Allen clapped his hands with glee.

-With the Crusade-

Far, far away, the Crusade drove steadfastly through the night sky, dodging darkened mountains and trees. It was a somber scene. Not so for the occupants inside the airship, as they were celebrating like mad, drinking barrels of rum and eating to their heart's content. Now that Allen was gone, they were free to do as they will.

"No more Alleeeeen!" Everyone sang drunkenly. "No more Vaaaan!"

"Woo-hooooo!" Reeden whooped loudly, running around in his underwear, his pants tied around his head.

"Bwahahaha! Reeden's drunk off his rocker!" Pyle laughed, taking another swig.

"Let's sell all Allen's clothes and hair products!" Kio suggested. "We could become _millionaires_ with all that he's got!"

"Hmm…" Gaddess sat a bit away from the crowd, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "I'm not fooled. We can't get rid of him _this_ easily…"

"Hey, new leader!" The other guys hollered, "Come have a cold one with us!" Gaddess perked up and glanced at them.

"Will…will you let me drive?"

"HELL NO!" Everyone roared.

Down below deck, Princess Millerna stood by herself in the hangar. Normally she would have joined the celebration and gotten _totally_ smashed, but it was no fun when there was no Allen to make out with or Hitomi to puke on. She sighed and started at the starry night sky.

"I wonder…" She said to herself, "If these leggings make my butt look big?"

"Damn _right_ they do." Dryden smirked and waltzed in. He was in a good mood since Allen's stupid self wasn't there. "Staring out there won't do any good. We're heading back to Austuria. Gaddess has agreed. Hell, he _begged_ me to order him to."

"We're just gonna _abandon_ them?" Millerna gasped and whirled around. "Why do I find that so irresistibly sexy?!"

"Listen, we tried our best-" Dryden began to argue.

"We waited for FIVE minutes!" Millerna shot right back.

"Oh, so you can count now?" Dryden frowned. "We don't even know _where_ they went-"

"They left us a MAP!"

"We can't read it, it's too complicated-"

"A _three-year old_ could understand it! Heck, even _I_ could!"

"Will you shut up about the map?!" Dryden exploded. "It'll just be a waste of time flying in circles! …Plus I 'accidentally' dropped it into the fire. And blew it up. And peed on it. And vacuumed up the ashes, then sent them to Pluto."

"_What_?!" Millerna shrieked. "Dryden, you're such a-"

"Stud? Oh, I _know_." Dryden licked his pinky finger and smoothed down his eyebrows with it. "Listen, Princess. Those Zaibach fools are serious about destroying Gaea. I'm gonna try to stop them, but I'll do it _my_ way. It involves sitting on my ass and flirting audaciously with you."

"_That's_ your plan?!" Millerna asked, aghast. "I think I like it!" Or not.

"Don't worry about your little lover-boy, your rival, and that other useless kid," Dryden assured. "They'll be back."

"You think so?" Millerna sounded hopeful.

"Heck, I _know_ so. The Unseen Forces just clued me in when I was in the hallway." Dryden gestured behind him. "You know, I think everyone's wishes are connected somehow." The flirtatious merchant turned his back and began walking away, but not without one final parting comment to the Princess. "And I'd very much like to believe that _mine_ might get across someday. _Wink, wink_."

"Huh?" Millerna looked up from inspecting her underarms. "Sorry, I've got some _nasty_ BO going on under there. Did you say something?"

"Nope. Not a thing." Dryden sighed and departed. Millerna shrugged and turned back to the window to stare outside. It was a full five minutes before it hit her. "OH, he was hitting on me! Geez, that _pervert_!"

-Back in Zaibach-

Back in Zaibach, things were going quite badly for the good guys. The Escaflowne was strapped down in a chair, shackled around his feet and hands, a strange scanning machine performing some kind of tests on him.

"Eeek! Get away from me!" The melef whimpered. "I don't like this! No touching!"

Several sorcerers who were performing the experiments ignored his cries of protest and instead conversed on a small platform overlooking the melef.

"Who would believe an Ispano Guymelef could be so _gay_?" A sorcerer with blond hair and a beard muttered.

"We must solve this mystery ourselves, no matter what the cost may be!" A bald one with glasses answered. "We mustn't allow Folken to gain any more ground! That Dracula wannabe is stealing our thunder!"

"What'd you _freaks_ say about me?!" The Escaflowne snarled, struggling against its bonds. "You take that back! If I could move, I'd seriously eff you all up!"

-Elsewhere in the Zaibach Factory-

Elsewhere, in a Zaibach prison room, Allen, Hitomi, and Van were all being held prisoner in cages suspended from the ceiling. Hitomi stirred and groaned, the soft light hurting her head.

"You're so _hot_ when you sleep," Allen's voice cooed in her ear.

"_Yeeeeeek_!" For one horrible instant, Hitomi thought she was locked in a cage with him, but thankfully when she opened her eyes she saw they were confined in separate cages. Thank goodness! Below them was pitch-black, and there was no way to climb up the chains from which the cages hung. "Where are we?" She asked. "And where's Van?"

"Hey, Hitomi!" Van's voice yelled into her other ear.

"Eeek!" Hitomi whirled around to see Van only inches from her own cage, then he began swinging back. The fool had been messing around with his cage and making it swing like a pendulum cause, hey, he was bored. Plus, it was quite fun.

"Wheeee!" Van whooped as he swung his cage. "Looks like we're in prison! I don't think they plan on killing us yet, what with our being _alive_ and all! Whooo!" He peaked at the other side of the arc and began rushing back.

"_Would you cut that out_?!" Hitomi was in no mood for foolishness at the time. "This is serious! I had another vision!"

"And I peed my pants again! What else is new? Whoopeee!" Van called as he whooshed by Hitomi's cage.

"Ew, is _that_ what I smell?" Hitomi wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"Plus my Axe body spray," Allen added smugly.

"Dude, only _gay_ guys wear that stuff!" Van scoffed.

"You take that back, you wuss!" Allen spat back.

"Oh, _bring_ it, blondie!" Van grabbed the bars of his cage and pulled back to halt his momentum. Then he began shifting his weight so the cage would swing toward Allen so he could hit him.

"Stop it, you two!" Hitomi tried her hardest to make them stop being stupid. Hitomi, not even the GODS can. "In my vision, the ground gave way, and the world exploded!"

"Hmm…maybe it was an image of the destruction of Atlantis!" Allen suggested, aiming a blow at Van as he swung close to his own cage. "Or maybe it's what will happen if John Kerry becomes president."

"Oh, you're just a suck-up!" Van growled. "Suck-up, suck-uuuuup!"

"Van?" Hitomi asked dangerously, narrowing her eyes. "Aren't you _afraid_ of heights?"

"Aren't I afraid of wha- _HUUUURGH_!" Van gagged and fell to his knees. "Oh, _God_! I'm gonna vomit!"

"I don't think it was Atlantis, but something larger…" Hitomi tried to think of what it could be.

"My ding-dong?" Allen asked with a suggestive grin.

_Crash_!

Van's cage suddenly smashed into Allen's, causing him to slam into the other side and wipe that perverted smirk off his face.

"I hate to say this!" Van yelled as his cage started swinging back. "But maybe you saw the future of _Gaea_!"

"I sure hope not…" Hitomi shuddered. Then she saw the two boys start squawking and slapping at each other as their cages met again. "Or _do_ I?"

"My momma said that the power of Atlantis mustn't be awakened yet, remember?" Van and Allen had broken up again and Van swung back. "I know now that she was _totally_ right. If the Fate Alteration Engine is activated, there's a good chance Gaea might meet the same fate as Atlantis."

There was a short pause.

"And that's…_bad_, right?" Allen ventured.

"Oh, God. Just _shut up_." Hitomi closed her eyes rubbed her forehead.

"Ha, ha!" Van gloated. "You're so stu- ow!" He clutched his chest in sudden pain. "Ow! Owwie! What's hurting me? Stop it! Ow!"

"Van?!" Hitomi gasped, concerned. "Allen…" She turned to the Knight to make him help, too.

"Yes, yes!" Allen was jabbing at a voo-doo doll of the Fanelian king with vicious needles. "_Suffer_! Mwahahaha!"

"Give me that!" Hitomi snatched it away. She looked at Van to see if his condition had improved. It hadn't. He was still wracked with pain, and even coughed up blood. "Oh, it's not _you_ doing it…"

"Alright, who's the lucky bastard?!" Allen bristled.

Back with the Escaflowne, the sorcerers were using a huge metal crane (like the one in those really annoying, impossible to win crane games with the cute plushies inside) to try and pry loose the Ispano melef's precious Energist. Hey, that's _mean_!

"Aaaawgh!" The Escaflowne howled in agony. "Mother_bleep_er! I hate going to the damn dentist! Can't you bastards give me some anesthesia or something? Owwww!"

"Van! What's wrong?" Hitomi pressed up against the bars of her cage, trying to find what it was that was hurting Van. "Allen, we have to help him!"

"Yuuuup." Allen crossed his arms and leaned against the back of his cage to watch Van, pulling out a bag of M&M's as he did so. "In a few minutes."

"NOW, Allen!"

"Oh, fine!" Allen rolled his eyes dramatically. "It looks like they've started to dismantle the Escaflowne. That kid's toast."

"Oh, _shiz-nit_." Hitomi withered with despair.

The sorcerers had abandoned the crane method and were now trying buzz-saws to remove the Energist.

"Aaaaaaugh!" Van writhed in agony. Now handsaws were being used. "Errrrgh!" Now pillows. "H-hey…that's not so bad…" Now jackhammers! "Blaaargh!"

"Van, go to your happy place!" Hitomi coaxed, shouting suggestions to him. "Come on! Your happy place, where you're not a pansy and your brother is dead!" She reached out a hand as far as she could and managed to touch Van's hand (as he was now sprawled out on the bottom of his cage). When she made contact, an image of the Escaflowne, twitching in pain during the operation, suddenly entered her mind. She gasped and recoiled.

"What is it?" Allen asked nervously.

"He hasn't washed his hands in _days_!" Hitomi said with obvious disgust. "I'm not getting his germs! But anyway, Van! If you can really feel the Escaflowne's pain, then it's got to work the other way around! If your thoughts can reach it, you should be able to _move_ the Escaflowne, no matter how far away you are! Like…like remote control with your brain!"

"It'll probably _explode_…" Allen commented.

"Quiet, you!" Hitomi shoved Allen's cage, sending him swinging away.

"H…Hitomi…" Van weakly raised his head and looked at her, blood seeping from a corner of his mouth.

"I'll help, too! If we work together, I know we can do it!" Hitomi paused. "Or maybe _I'll_ just do it all by myself, since you suck ass at it."

"No, don't, Hitomi!" Allen called as he swung back. "That's dangerous, you'll feel it, too! Plus, he's a total loser!"

"He's right…" Van gasped. "About the whole 'feeling my pain' stuff, not the 'loser' part. There's no need for you to suffer as well! …Unless you _really_ want to."

"Geez, you're practically _begging_ me to!" Hitomi could see right through him. "If we don't do something fast, you're gonna die!"

"Then let's just sit back and watch him die!" Allen suggested. "Ooh, I wish I had my camcorder!"

"I said _shut up_!" Hitomi kicked at Allen's cage, then turned back to Van. "Here, gimme your hand!" She reached out again and grasped Van's hand tightly.

"Hmm? What are those two up to?" Dornkirk wondered, peering curiously into his telescope. He, like the proud, knowledgeable Leader of Zaibach should be doing, was watching…Drake and Josh. "What hilarious predicament will they wind up in next?" Dornkirk squealed with glee.

"Dude, that show is SO lame." His last living subordinate drawled. "It's just like Kenan and Kel, but with white guys and NOT FUNNY."

"You say something?" Dornkirk asked, a dangerous look in his eye.

"Ulp! No, sir!" The subordinate didn't feel like getting run over by Dorny's five-ton wheelchair. "But you _really_ should check Channel 108, sir."

"Eh? Why, is Flavor of Love's Charm School on?" Dornkirk flipped through the channels before screeching to a halt. On screen, you could see Hitomi and Van, holding hands tightly. "DAWWW! That's the sweetest thing I've _ever_ seen in my entire life! Ya think they'll start making out? Oh, wait. Crap, it's gone!"

The Escaflowne struggled against its bonds, the evil sorcerers still trying to pull out its heart.

"Aaaagh! I can't take this anymore! Son of a _bleep_ing mother_bleep_er! _Bleeeeep_!" The Guymelef snarled.

"Oww!" Hitomi gasped in pain and placed a hand on her chest. "Owie!"

"Oh, YEAH!" Allen, as usual, was enjoying himself, pervertedly. _And that's not even a word_. "A little more to the left, Hitomi."

"SHUT UP!" Both Hitomi and Van hollered. Allen's mouth snapped shut and he backed away, whimpering.

"Van, you have to picture the Escaflowne!" Hitomi urged. "Concentrate as hard as you can, but not too hard or you'll _fry_ something for sure. Reach out to it!" Van squeezed his eyes shut and grit his teeth, trying his hardest.

"Move…!" He growled. "Come on, _move_! Move, damn you! Ya piece of junk!" About a thousand miles away, a Coke machine began twitching, then promptly fell on someone. Talk about latent psychic powers! "…I don't think it's working."

"I have to do everything!" Hitomi sighed and closed her eyes. "Escaflowne! Please, move!" There wasn't any response. "I'll…I'll take my shirt off!"

"SOLD!" The Escaflowne's Energist immediately exploded with pink light. "Aw man, back to being gay!" The Esca grumbled before bringing up its arm, snapping its shackles and the cables wrapped around it, which sparked dangerously. Now the whole Guymelef began thrashing around violently.

"Nnn-gah! How can that gay thing be _moving_?" The sorcerers cried, backing away in fear. The Escaflowne leveled its malevolent gaze at them.

"What was _that_, Count Chocula?" It brought down its arm and smashed their lil' balcony into pieces.

"What's happening?! Why can't I see?! Is this the girl's power?!" Dornkirk wailed over his telescope, in a panic.

"The shutter is down," his loyal minion pointed out.

"Oh."

Hitomi and Van were still holding hands, but as they were getting bored, they'd started playing Patty-Cake and thumb-wrestling. Van was pretty good, but Hitomi quickly put him in his place. Elsewhere in the factory, the Escaflowne stood up (while playing the appropriate song, Ludacris's 'Stand Up!'), switched into Dragon mode, and then flew out of the lab while smoke and sparks consumed it.

"What's happening?! I must know!" Dornkirk hissed, his telescope still not working properly. "I bet they're _totally_ getting it on, and I'm missing all of it! Damn it!"

"Yeeeek!" Allen squealed in fright as the ceiling above them crumbled and came crashing down. The Escaflowne dived in through the newly-made hole and came to a stop, hovering in front of the still suspended cages.

"Aw, _yeah_. I went there." It said smugly.

"It's the Escaflowne!" Van cheered.

"Yay, I did it! Er, I mean, _we_ did it!" Hitomi went and hugged Van through the bars. Awww.

"Don't you touch her!" Allen barked, kicking at Van.

-A Few Minutes Later (Don't Ask Me How They Got Out of Their Cages)-

The Escaflowne soared upward, Van, Allen, and Hitomi riding safely on its back. It was quick to tell them what it wanted.

"Okay, girlie!" It shouted back to Hitomi. "Make with your part of the bargain! Off with the shirt!"

"Alright, fine!" Hitomi shrugged her shoulders and began unbuttoning her front. Van and Allen leaned forward to see…

Her white shirt underneath! She has both a tan jacket over a white shirt, remember?

"Okay, shirt's off!" Hitomi said with a triumphant smile. Jaws dropped all around.

"You _tricked_ me!" The Escaflowne sputtered in disbelief.

"You…you're _evil_!" Allen was sorely disappointed. Hitomi bonked both him and the melef on the head. Van was disappointed too, but wisely kept his mouth shut to avoid physical violence.

"Van, we'd better get out of here, fast!" Allen demanded, nursing his bleeding head.

"Shut up!" Van shot back. "I HAVE to go the speed limit!" They passed a sign on the wall that read '60 MPH, littering fined $200'.

"Oh, who _cares_?!" Hitomi shoved past Van and slammed her foot onto the accelerator, increasing their speed. Up ahead, enemy melef units appeared from around a corner.

"Eeeek! _Dodgeitdodgeidodgeit_!" Allen shrieked, yanking at Van's hair.

"I CAN'T!" Van growled, smacking him away. "Allen, hold on to her!"

"What?" Hitomi frowned, not liking what she'd just heard.

"Aye aye, el Capitain!" Allen saluted, then clamped his arms around Hitomi like a vice.

"Gaaaah! Can't…_breaaath_!" Hitomi gurgled, fighting for air. The Escaflowne quickly morphed from its Dragon mode to its normal Guymelef mode (sorry, no songs this time, its too urgent!) and crashed/landed on its knees, Hitomi and Allen held carefully in its hand. They jumped off to the ground below.

"I'll leave everything to you!" Allen called, turning to run the hell away.

"Hey! Stop!" Hitomi struggled, but couldn't escape. "Put me down!" More enemy melef units appeared from behind and more from the front, surrounding everyone.

"Uh, can we switch?" Van asked nervously. "You pilot the Escaflowne and die valiantly while I take Hitomi away and hopefully score with her?"

"_In your dreams_!" Both Hitomi and Allen barked.

"Alright, _fine_! I'll hold them back. You take Hitomi and-" He turned to look at Allen and saw he was already looong gone, with a trail of fire blazing in his wake. "God I hate that guy. I guess I'll try to meet them on the roof." Taking a deep breath, he bellowed and charged forward at the enemies, intent on fighting…which consisted of him taking hits from all the enemies while desperately trying to hold in his bladder. Good luck, Van!

"Allen, put me down!" Hitomi ordered, still being carried by the horny knight who was running as fast as his skinny legs could carry him. "You have until the count of three! …THREE!"

_WHAM_!

"Ow, my head! It's all scar tissue!" Allen sobbed.

"Oh, please. It's not like you _use_ it, anyway." Hitomi brushed herself off and oriented herself to her surroundings. "Hmm…my psychic girl senses tell me to start heading toward the roof. Let's go!"

Meanwhile, Van had managed to actually kill an enemy (which had tripped over his own foot and snapped his neck, but according to Van that still counted), but even more kept coming.

"What's _this_?" Dornkirk peered into his telescope, which was once again working. He saw Allen and Hitomi running around through it. "I can see them now! But _why_?"

"Uh, 'cause you fixed the shutter?" His helper commented.

"Why don't you just shutter up? Ahahaha." Dornkirk smiled smugly to himself. His attendant decided to end his torture and shot himself in the head. Poor guy.

Allen and Hitomi were running down a hall, looking for the roof, when they ran smack-dab into a Zaibachian soldier! Oh, _snap_! Allen just screeched to a halt and screamed as piercingly as he could while Hitomi was forced to take control and kick the man in the balls (the Zaibach soldier, not Allen, too bad though, huh?). Even after the man was down, Allen didn't stop screaming. Hitomi grabbed hold of him and pulled him along.

"Aaaaa- I SO could have beat him." Allen said, finally recovering.

"Yeah, yeah. _Sure_ you could." Hitomi wasn't listening. "Now where's the roof?" They halted for a moment while Hitomi took out her trusty pendant and held it in front of her. "No time for small talk now, pendant! Tell us which way the roof is, _please_!" She closed her eyes and the pendant in her mind immediately swung to the left. "It's that way!" Hitomi pointed.

"Okay, let's go!" Allen turned and began running in the complete opposite direction. Hitomi grabbed him by his long hair and dragged him the right way down the hall. They came to a dark, spiraling staircase, and started up. It wasn't long before Allen started having symptoms of asthma and was totally exhausted.

"_Gaaawd_!" He gasped, breathing raggedly like a lung-cancer patient. "So many…staaaairs! Can't…continue! Go, go on without me!" He collapsed, wheezing loudly.

"You went up _two_ steps!" Hitomi hollered, kicking at his limp body. "Get up! Start moving!" Since she was a track-star, this was a cinch for her! Go, Hitomi! _Cheers_!

"You sure we shouldn't go check on Van?" Allen tried, still eyeing the numerous stairs with dismay.

"He's _fine_." Hitomi shook her head. "He's got the Escaflowne _and_ the Unseen Forces." After several stops and starts (and quite a few punches and kicks), the two finally emerged onto the rooftop of the Zaibach factory. Hooray!

"I'm the king of the woooorld!" Allen yelled, jumping onto the edge of the rooftop and throwing his arms wide, hair blowing in the wind.

"Don't make me shove you off." Hitomi growled. "Just what the _eff_ are you doing?"

"Er, nothing." Allen quickly hopped back down. "You believe in Van, don't you, Hitomi?"

"Nope, not really." Hitomi shrugged.

"Yeah, me neither." Allen agreed. The two shared a moment as they looked out over the darkened city of Zaibach with its dreary lights and depressing air.

"Gee, this city seems so _lonely_…" Hitomi said sadly. "I wonder if the people here in Zaibach are really happy at all…"

"Hitomi…" Allen stared at her solemnly.

_Clank, clank, clank_!

Oh, _bleep_s! Zaibach soldiers began pouring out of the exit onto the rooftop, surrounding Hitomi and Allen!

"Oh, _eff_!" Allen panicked and quickly shoved Hitomi at them. "Take the girl! Just don't hurt me! Or my hair!"

"I'll remember this, Allen!" Hitomi growled, pushing herself up from the ground.

"Allen, you're such a loser!" Van and the Escaflowne swooped up from behind the balcony, stopping to hover close to the edge. "Hop on, hurry!"

"Oh, thank goodness!" Hitomi sighed with relief and ran over.

"Uh, I was just kidding with the whole 'take the girl' thing," Allen said as he also headed over.

"CAN IT!" They both jumped off the edge and onto the back of the Escaflowne.

"Here goes!" Van warned. "Put your seatbelts on so you don't fall off!"

"Kay!" Hitomi quickly snapped hers on.

"Uh, Van?" Allen asked with a cough. "I don't seem to have one." Van stared at him bluntly.

"Oh, I know." He slammed on the accelerator and they went zooming away from the Zaibach factory into the night sky as enemy melef units (flying ones, too!) gave chase.

As the Escaflowne flew through the city, the people of Zaibach, who were sad-looking people in hats and trench-coats, looked up and caught sight of the Dragon Guymelef soaring up in the sky.

"Whoa! That is the _gayest_ Guymelef I've _ever_ seen!" They declared loudly.

"Shut uuuup!" The Escaflowne shouted down at them.

"They're getting closer!" Allen whimpered, looking over his shoulder at the flying enemies that were indeed drawing near. He began contemplating throwing Hitomi at them to divert their attention and ensure his own escape.

"Don't even _think_ about it!" Hitomi punched his shoulder.

"You ARE psychic!"

The Escaflowne swooped under a bridge, then began climbing upward and gaining altitude. The following melefs still managed to keep on its tail.

"Come on, Escaflowne!" Van urged. "Can't you fly any faster?! Frigging slow-poke!" Behind them, the enemy melefs began taking aim, their Crima Claws pricked and ready to fire.

"Yo, yo, yo!" Xzibit from 'Pimp My Ride' suddenly popped up on the back of the Escaflowne with the others, scaring the hell out of everyone. "We done hooked up Van's ride with hydraulics, _dawg_! Now they can go into hyper-drive, bitch!"

"Wow, THANKS!" Van gushed, clearly appreciative. "Now get the _bleep_ off!" He and the others shoved the gangsta off.

"_Daaaaawg_!" He cried as he fell.

"Hmm? Where?" Van began looking through the various buttons on the Escaflowne, searching for the one mentioned. "Oh, here it is!" He found a big, red button with print on it that read 'Hyper-Drive, Yo!'. Van punched it and the Escaflowne's Energist began glowing in response. Its wings folded close to its body, and a huge jet-engine from the end began propelling them forward at an unbelievable rate. "Dude, is that coming from you ASS?"

"Don't talk to me right now!" The Escaflowne ground out, "I'm in agony! You even have flames coming from YOUR rectum?" The do-gooders easily zoomed away from their pursuers in an arc of blue flame.

"When the girl and the Dragon come close…" Dornkirk observed, "the image of the future wavers! That girl from earth with the hot legs is the key to _everything_! I must separate them! And I know _just_ the person to do it!" He picked up the phone and paused. "Hey, what's Angelina Jolie's number again? Fred? Fred? You there, buddy? Oh, _eff_, he shot himself. Not another one!"

-On a Floating Jellyfish in the Mountains-

"Uh, sir," a soldier reported to Folken, who was busy playing Tetris, "there's a flying object that's closing in on us at phenomenal speeds, and on an off note, I have officially just crapped my pants."

"I _hate_ my job." Folken sighed and paused his game, willing his being into a state of peace so he wouldn't commit mass murder where he stood. After counting to ten, he opened his eyes and blinked in surprise as a growing light appeared in the window. "Wow, what's that?"

Van, Allen, and Hitomi blasted by on the Escaflowne, and of COURSE the Unseen Forces slowed down time so the two brothers could make eye contact as they passed each other. It snapped to an end and Van went hurtling off into the distance. Folken didn't take it too well.

"Why can't _I_ have a magical flying Dragon-melef?! It's just not _faaaaair_!" He threw himself on the ground and began having a tantrum.

-With Van-

The Escaflowne had finally reverted to its normal flying mode, slowing down to a much more comfortable speed.

"Oh…_God_…" The Escaflowne whimpered. "Ass…BURNING…irreparable damage…to _anus_…"

"Phew!" Van blew out a breath and wiped his brow. "Everyone still here?"

"Yes." Hitomi answered.

"Yes." Allen answered.

"_Damn_!" Both Van and Hitomi growled, glaring at Allen who just HAD to still be alive.

"And by the way, you can let go of me now!" Hitomi shoved Allen off, knowing she'd have bruises later. She looked off behind them, at the direction in which Zaibach lay. "Dornkirk…Emperor of Zaibach…creepy old man…I hope I _never_ see him again."

"_Heh heh heh_…" The Unseen Forces chuckled evilly to themselves.

"Hey!" Hitomi barked. "What the hell's so funny?! Tell me, you bastards!"

-Episode 18 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Whee, that was really fun! Took a long-ass time, but I really think this is one of my funniest yet. Probably because there was so much Dornkirk! Poor guy, no-one can stand him…Hey! He and Allen should join forces! No, wait, the world would probably blow up if they did. Never mind! Hope you liked it! Review, please!


	19. Episode 19: Operation Rule of Horniness

Author's Note: Ooooh, so close! Almost to the twenties! Come on, I can do it! Huuuurgh! _Snap_! Oops, I think I pulled something there. Oh, well. Don't worry, I'll pop it back into place later. See ya! Review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 19

Operation Golden Rule of Horniness

Recap: The pretty orb-thing Van's momma gave him starts acting funky and transports all the main characters (namely Van, Hitomi, Allen, and the Escaflowne) to Zaibach, where Dornkirk has finally obtained a Wii and is excited to play with it. …I just re-read what I just wrote and am struggling not to laugh. The transported characters land almost in his lap (after some maneuvering with his wheelchair, that is) and he tells them a very long and boring story of where he can from and why he's so stuck on the ladies. It turns out Dornkirk is the 'Isaac' that Allen's poppa met while searching for the Messed-up Valley (as if we didn't know _already_). He explains horniness, also know as gravity, and how it draws peeps together. He also tells how he came from the Messed-up Moon like Hitomi and took over the retarded people of Zaibach, founding the Zaibach Empire. After he makes everyone watch a Cinderella Story with Hilary Duff as punishment and throws them in jail. What a bastard! Meanwhile on the Crusade, Dryden hits on Millerna (what else is new) and she, of course, has no idea (again, what else is new?). Back in Zaibach, Van starts feeling chest pains as sorcerers start to dismantle the Escaflowne. That's not good, right? With Hitomi's help (Okay, Hitomi did _all_ the work) the Escaflowne moves by remote control and busts them outta their cages. It's a jailbreak as everyone runs for the roof and escapes the depressing city. Just as the guards are about to catch up, X-zibit pops outta nowhere and gives the Escaflowne a hyper-drive button. Sweeeet! Van punches it and they escape successfully. Hells yeah, dawg! _Ahem_. Sorry.

The lights snapped off, the film began whirring, and a scene began projecting from the…well, the projector. Bad-ass music played as the movie showed scenes of the Escaflowne, piloted by one Van Fanel, King of Fanelia, with Hitomi perched on the large melefs shoulder, as they fought several Zaibachian Guymelefs and totally kicked their asses. Hitomi could easily pinpoint the enemy with her blazing pink pendant while Van simply swung his sword crazily in that direction, hoping he'd hit something.

After a few enemies were down, the psychic girl and young King began obviously arguing over some menial issue which escalated until Hitomi turned away, nose in the air and aloof while the Escaflowne waved its arms frantically as the enemy began pounding on Van. Only after getting down on his knees and bowing several times to her did Hitomi forgive him and climb back onto the Guyemelfs shoulder to once again team up with the boy King and pwn everyone. Surrounded by destruction and black smoke, the two made a terrifying team…when they got along, at least.

The film came to an end and the lights were switched back on. All the Generals of the Zaibach Empire sat back in their chairs of the circular room, glaring down at the lone figure standing silently in the middle of them all.

"Folken…" General Adelphos hissed, leaning closer as he grilled the man, "Did you know of this?"

"Of the Dragon?" Folken asked calmly.

"No, of the new Real World set to be in Sydney, Australia! I can't _wait_!" Adelphos squealed with glee and wiggled in his seat. The other Generals present groaned in annoyance while several made mental notes to set their Tivo's for the show.

"Okay, someone shut him up!" One of the Generals growled. "We're not here for _that_!"

"Oh." Adelphos pondered this and chewed on his moustache, trying vainly to remember what it _was_ they were there for. "I remember the first time I saw Folken! I thought the freak-show had come to town-"

"This isn't a public roast, either!" The General beside Adelphos reached over and gave him a smack. "Everyone get serious!"

"Sirius satellite radio?" Adelphos asked before the others could stop him. The Generals chose to simply ignore the idiot and get on with the interrogation.

"Now, Folken!" One said. "Did you know that the Dragon would be our greatest obstacle in the path of Zaibach's unification?"

"Oh, what? The Unseen Forces didn't tell you? It was so friggin' _obvious_." Folken thought to himself, rolling his eyes. These people were all idiots, Adelphos most of all. Hell, he was a _special_ kind of idiot.

"_Did you_?!" The General banged his fist on the table viciously. "Emperor Dornkirk's Destiny Machine has spoken. The Dragons with gather, have a huge-ass party that we're totally NOT invited to, probably with P. Diddy and other hot celebs, then will descend upon us!"

An image of hundreds of Escaflowne's entered the Generals minds, where they gathered in a huge congregation of white Ispano Guymelefs, began partying to blasting music, drinking lots of booze, and puking all over each other. Then, still smashed, they launched an attack on Zaibach, shooting green lasers out of their shoulder-crystals to destroy the Zaibach Floating Jellyfish. Frickin' sweet! Why can't Van's Escaflowne do that?!

The Generals shuddered. It was scary just to think about it…

"BOOGABOOGABOOGA!" Dornkirk's skeletal face suddenly popped up on a screen to the side of the sitting Generals, scaring the living crap out of them all. Folken simply sighed, as he'd been expecting it to happen and was quite immune to it after the first fifty times Dornkirk had done that to him. "Hey, everyone! Didja miss me?" Dornkirk asked sweetly while everyone struggled to control their surging blood pressure. "I was…_heeeey_, you guys aren't having a party there, are you?" Dornkirk narrowed his eyes suspiciously and pressed his face closer to the screen to peer around the room. "You'd better not have any strippers there, or so help me…!"

"So help ME." Folken thought. He was sick and tired of working for an idiot like Dornkirk and was almost ready to call it quits with the elderly villain.

"Yeah, so, anyway," Dornkirk coughed, getting back on track. "If the pull from the girl with the sweet legs and the wussy Dragon increases, it will mean only- DAMMIT, I _AM_ doing 'the Samurai' you stupid piece of Japanese crap!"

"Will you stop playing that damn Warioware?!" Folken exploded, having experienced this scene far to many times.

"But it's so _fun_!" Dornkirk protested before turning back to his Wii. "Oh, I am NOT doing 'the Elephant'! I'll look like a frigging 'tard!"

"When do you _not_?" Folken seethed inside, wishing he had heat vision so he could char Dorny to a crisp where he stood. And yes, through the screen.

There was a splintering crash as Dornkirk flicked the Wiimote a bit too hard and it went flying into the TV he was playing the Wii on. Unfortunately it wasn't the same he was broadcasting from so he was still visible. Dornkirk looked from his hand to the smoldering TV set and sighed. This was the fifth one this week. He was running out of TVs at an alarming rate.

"Anyway," Dornkirk turned back to the others with a cough, "it'll be like _that_." He gestured at the demolished screen. "For our future. Which is bad. I think."

All the Generals pictured the Escaflownes standing triumphant over the ruins of Zaibach and thought it wasn't really that bad. Not compared to right now, at least.

"To prevent such a craptastic future from coming to pass, we _must_ separate these two elements!" Dornkirk paused and pursed his lips. "And speaking of passing, I haven't passed anything in, like, three days. Not even dust! You think I should call a doctor or something?" Everyone clutched their stomachs and tried their hardest not to puke.

"Sir, do we _really_ need to know this?" One whimpered.

"Yep!"

"And you guys are asking my WHY I betrayed him?" Folken spat. "Eesh."

"Merely separating them will accomplish nothing, your majesty!" A goggle-eyed General argued, fighting back his nausea to make his point.

"I agree!" Another spoke up. "We should kill them dead!"

"And take their pants!" Adelphos crowed.

There was an awkward silence.  
"Okay, what the EFF do their PANTS have to do with- _forget it._" Folken squeezed his eyes closed so hard he saw spots. "Forget it, I don't wanna know!"

"Yeah, you…you take their pants," Adelphos explained while everyone shook their heads. "So then they're pant-less and can't go out in public because they're too embarrassed to be seen in their skivvies. It's genius, I tell you, genius!"

"Yes, we'll crush the Escaflowne with no trouble at all!" A scraggly-mustached General muttered. "We have the power, we can do it, your majesty!"

"Majesty, just give us the word and we will…" Adelphos declared, "Tivo every episode of the new Real World for you!"

"Will you shut _up_ about that stupid show?!" All the Generals threw their cups of punch at him. Adelphos simply sucked on his soaked mustache and closed his eyes.

"Mmmm…_punch_."

"That won't be necessary," Folken interrupted.

"Oh, do you have a Tivo of your-"

"SHUT UP!" Adelphos cowered in his seat and slurped on his mustache some more.

"Rather than stirring up matters or watching lame-ass MTV," Folken continued, "we need only apply gravity, or horniness, to the girl from the Messed-up Moon."

"Eeeeeh? Why that little sweetie?" Dornkirk asked, confused.

"Yes…" Folken closed his eyes, calming himself. "The power that draws together a man and a woman…the power of horniness!"

"_Well_," Dornkirk said smarmily, "If we're all done here, I think it's time for…Zaibach funniest home videos! You guys are gonna _love_ these latest clips!"

"Ooh, this is my favorite part of the meetings!" Adelphos whispered excitedly to the General next to him, who leaned as far away as possible to avoid getting smelly punch on his new armor. As Dornkirk started the reel, stupid, silly music began playing as scenes popped up showing several of the Generals in idiotic acts and positions, like on the can or getting hit in the crotch with a Crima Claw. "Haw, haw, haw! This is better than the Real World!" He cut off his laugh and looked dead-pan at the camera. "Or _is_ it?"

"They're practically the _same_," Folken thought as he watched a clip of himself getting sprayed with Silly-String at his last crappy birthday party. "Hurry up and come kill us all, Van."

-With Hitomi-

Far, far away, back in the country of Austuria, things were going just as badly. In a smallish village by the ocean and ringed with mountains, people bustled along the streets buying groceries, gossiping, and having dance-offs which resulted in one team getting 'served'. You know, normal stuff. In one of the many taverns in the town, a ruckus was being raised.

"_Whyyyyy_?!" Pyle moaned, guzzling down another pint of grog. "Why did he HAVE to come back? And we were so _happy_, too!"

"God hates us!" Kio groaned, waving his cup around and almost falling off his seat. "_That's_ why! He sent Allen back from the grave to punish us!"

"It's just not _faaaair_! Hold me, Gaddess!" Reeden sobbed, blowing his nose noisily into his handkerchief before retying it onto his head.

"I told you all not to get your hopes up," Gaddess sighed, "And THAT'S nasty." He edged away from Reeden, who was now more interested in his drink than the second-in-command. "Figures, huh? Of course, noooo-one listens to me! Heck, no-one is listening right _now_! I could call you all a-holes right now, and you guys wouldn't hear! In fact-"

"It's been-" Hitomi's voice began narrating.

"You see what I MEAN?!" Gaddess interrupted. "_No-one_ listens to me! Screw you all!" He jumped from his seat and ran sobbing from the room. Oops. Poor guy.

"…It's been three weeks since we escaped from Zaibach," Hitomi's voice began again, a little haltingly this time. Allen sat at a nearby table, admiring his own reflection in his booze.

"Hmm. How would I look with highlights?" He wondered. Suddenly more drink was poured into his cup, disturbing his reflection. "_Aaaaaghmyface_! Oh, wait. That's not me." Allen smiled sheepishly and looked up. A pretty waitress had refilled his cup since he was almost out. "Hey, baby…" he purred, "You work for Visa? Cuz you're everywhere I want to be."

The waitress simply rolled her eyes and walked away.

"Women…" Allen muttered into his cup, taking a swig.

"We finally made it back to Austuria!" Hitomi's voice continued to explain. "It seems the crew of the Crusade went back home without us and so everyone was able to reunite again! Even if it was unwillingly…"

Van lay halfway out the tavern's window ledge, puking his guts out after taking a single sip of the strong brew. His head ached and pounded like a jackhammer, and he found it hard to keep his balance. He swore to himself that he wasn't drunk, just slightly tipsy.

Oh, _please_. He's totally smashed. And after one drink, too. Talk about zero tolerance.

"Ohh…I think my stomach's turned inside out…" He groaned, gulping at the cold night air to revive himself. He'd be alright. He just had to-

"Lord Vaaaaaaan!"

"Oh God." Van's blood went cold. Then he moved like a fox, ducking back out of the window and dodging to the side. He felt a whoosh of air as Merle missed her target by millimeters, went sailing past him out the window, and made friends with the hard ground below.

"_Mrraaaawr_!"

"Phew!" Van sighed in relief. "That was clo- uh, oh. _Blaaaargh_!" He leaned over the sill again.

"Ew! Not on me, Lord Van!" Merle hissed in disgust from below.

"Guh…" Van wiped his mouth and gazed up at the brilliant moons hanging in the sky. Thinking back a few days, he began to remember…

-Wheee! Flashback Time!-

"WHAT?! You and Millerna are getting _hitched_?!" Hitomi gasped in shock. She was in a room with Van, Allen, and Dryden, who sat at a desk. The crew had arrived at Austuria some time ago and had just heard the big news. "That's…" Hitomi searched for the right words, "a reasonably good decision on her part! I'm so surprised!"

Allen squeezed his eyes closed, desperately trying to contain his immense relief and happiness.

"Why are you doing Riverdance?" Van asked him.

"Oh, am I?" Allen glanced down and saw his feet tapping with glee. He forced himself to stop and listen to the others, something he usually avoided doing like the plague.

"Yeah, I know!" Dryden was agreeing with Hitomi. "Took her long enough, huh? I knew she'd come around. Now I get to be King! Talk about sweet! Now Zaibach can't touch us!" He grinned triumphantly and propped his feet atop the desk in front of him.

"Uh, _hello_?" Van butted in rudely. "_I'm_ a King and lemme tell ya, it don't work that way. Hell, it attracts them even more."

"Well, you know what? Wars aren't always won with strength. You've got to use what's up here!" Dryden smirked and tapped his head.

"…A damaged, oily scalp and split ends that desperately need trimming?" Allen asked, a look of disgust on his face. "And _shaving_ once in a while wouldn't _kill_ you."

"At least I don't shave my legs like _you_!" Dryden spat back.

"I do NOT!" Allen sputtered, turning red.

"None of that will matter to them!" Van interrupted them again. He remembered how creepy Dornkirk was, and how evil/stupid his ambitions were. "What they're after is the complete destruction of Gaea and to make matters worse it's run by a complete LOON. How is your being King supposed to stop them?"

"Uh, because I'll be the Totally Hot King of Awesome?" Dryden said matter-of-factly.

"Hey, that's _my_ title!" Allen growled.

"Excuse me." A voice interrupted them all. Everyone turned to see Millerna's sister, Princess Eries, standing in the doorway, still wearing those weird ear-jewelry things.

"Oh, hey, _Earies_!" Allen called, waving. "You need to tell us something? I'm all _ears_!"

"Silence!" Eries glared daggers at him, then turned to the others. "Millerna and Dryden were engaged to begin with. It's only natural that Dryden become successor to Austuria's throne, and not, say, ALLEN."

"What's that?" Allen cocked his head and cupped his ears. "I'm sorry, I didn't _hear_ you, my _ears_ are too big!" Eries chose to ignore his latest jibe and walked in.

"Further more," she continued, "we will even let bygones be bygones in regard to your _crime_." She stared pointedly at Allen, who made a face.

"Oh, yeah, sister? How about your _fashion_ crimes?" Allen glanced Eries up and down and snorted loudly. "Who ever heard of combining a hobble-skirt, blouse, and a corset? Where'd you get the idea, Frankenstein?"

"What crimes?" Dryden asked with sudden interest.

"The crimes of Allen's rebellion against his country," Eries explained, "his attack against Zaibach, one of our allies, and his monumental stupidity."

"Amen." Hitomi and Van muttered. Allen shot a glare at them that did nothing.

"AND after Millerna left," Eries went on, "which was actually quite wonderful, Father was _so_ worried about his air-headed little girl that he fell ill!" She remembered a scene of her father, lying abed and surrounded by servants and doctors.

"Must be the ol' _asshole_ disease kickin' up again," Allen coughed.

"It was because YOU took Millerna with you, Allen!" Eries said severely.

"I never _took_ her with me," Allen argued hotly, "she _followed_ me! She's like herpes, you just _can't_ get rid of her!" There was an awkward pause. "Not like I'd know anything about that sort of thing."

"Okay, will you two _please_ stop fighting?" Hitomi tried to break the two up.

"Sister!"

"Oh, lord." Hitomi sighed. She didn't even have to look to know who it was. Who else liked to barge into other people's business at the most inopportune times? Everyone else gasped in surprise and turned to see Princess Millerna rushing down the hall toward them, dressed in royal raiment, bosom bouncing, shoulder connecting with the door frame-

_Crash_!

"Ow! My boobies broke my fall!"

"Oh, geez." Eries rolled her eyes, wondering why her time alone had to be so short-lived. "What did I do to deserve this?" By now, Millerna had staggered back to her feet and brushed herself off.

"Hey, everyone!" She chirped. "Don't I look _hot_ in this dress? Look, it shows my cleavage!"

"I _see_!" Allen and Dryden leaned forward, drooling. Van was busy checking out Hitomi's ass and failed to notice.

"Anyway, sissy! I think you should clam up now!" Millerna crossed her arms (the two men nearly fainted) seriously.

"Say WHAT?" Eries growled. Millerna flounced into the room, smiled dazzlingly at Allen, then proffered her hand to him in a display of womanly grace. Allen smoothly bent his knee and kissed the princess's hand politely.

"Congratulations on your wedding, Princess Millerna," he cooed. The act would have been touching had not Allen started making out with Milly's appendage.

"Okay, _enough_!" Eries stormed over to Millerna, ripped her away from Allen and his pervertedness, and flung her sister to Dryden, who caught her expertly. Too bad for the older sister that the action unbalanced her and caused her to fall to the ground where she was like a turtle who'd fallen onto its back. "Oh, _EFF_."

-Okay, Flashback's Oveeeer! Now Back to the Present, With Hitomi This Time!-

"How about _this_ dress?" Millerna asked, holding up another. Hitomi grimaced. The dress, if it could even be called that, was an abomination to man. It was made of black leather and consisted of nothing more than straps and sexy metal hooky-things. Hitomi didn't want to image Millerna much less _anyone_ wearing it…if it could even be worn in the first place.

"Uh, should I _really_ be helping you pick out your honeymoon clothes?" She asked politely.

"Honeymoon clothes?" Millerna frowned and lowered the scrap of cloth. "Sweetie, these are the clothes _you'll_ be wearing to my wedding." As Hitomi gurgled incomprehensibly like a crack-head, Millerna turned back to the huge closet. "How about something with frills? And some huge, puffy sleeves?"

"Kill me now." Hitomi stiffened in panic, suddenly seeing the sexy lingerie in a whole new light. "L-listen," she said aloud, "I'm kinda worried about something…"

"It's me, right?" Millerna asked, her head somewhere amongst her hundreds of other dresses.

"You wish." Hitomi thought.

"Don't worry about it!" Millerna went on. "It's okay, really! He's rich, he's smart, he's handsome…and…he's…not Allen! _Mmmph_!" Hitomi heard her trying to contain her tears and rolled her eyes. "I know Dryden will make me happy! He'll… he'll…_waaaaaah_! Oh, Hitomi, hold me!" Millerna burst into tears and flung herself at the psychic girl, who was at a loss for words.

"Oh, geez." Hitomi bit her lip and tried to think of something smart to say. "Millerna, will you just get over it? Dryden is much better than Allen. Hell, he's ten, no, a _hundred_ times better! Now there's only a 50 chance that your husband will cheat on you, right? Just give up on Allen already! If you married that pig you'd regret it for the rest of your life!"

"But if Millerna and Dryden get married," a small voice in the back of her head whispered, "Allen will be…_single_."

"_OhGodno_." Hitomi whispered, her eyes widening and goose-bumps breaking out all over her skin. She seized hold of the sobbing Princess and shook her. "Okay, change of plans! Marry Allen! Marry him NOW!"

"But…" Millerna sniffled and scrunched up her face. "But I kinda see where you were going with the whole 'Dryden' thing…"

"_What_?!" Hitomi panicked. "No! Forget I said that! FOR-GET-IT!" She shook her even harder.

"I want you to do a reading for me!" Millerna said out of the blue. Hitomi stopped shaking her and blinked in surprise.

"Eh?"

"Tell me my future!" Millerna explained.

"Your…future?" Hitomi dropped Millerna, who picked herself up and walked serenely to the window. Flipping the latch up, she opened the window with queenly grace and almost fell out doing so. Hitomi had to jump forward and grab the back of her dress so she could haul her back in to safety.

"I'm just not sure!" Millerna said, sitting carefully onto the window ledge and gazing back at Hitomi. "I'm not sure that I'm doing the right thing. When I see that look on your face, I just wanna _smack_ you!"

"Hey!" Hitomi raised an eyebrow in warning.

"It makes me doubt myself." Millerna sighed. "So, I'd like for you to do a reading for me. Tell me my future!"

"Uh…" Hitomi fidgeted and stared at her feet, suddenly uncomfortable. "I…I'm sorry, but…I don't have my Tarot cards with me! They…spontaneously combusted! I'll do it later!" She finished spouting her excuses and dashed for the door.

"Huh?" Millerna watched her go with a look of confusion. "What a weirdo. I'm glad I'm not a ditz like her! Wooooah…_waaaaugh_!" Pinwheeling her arms desperately, Millerna lost her balance and fell backwards out the window into the sharp, prickly hedge below.

-With Hitomi-

Hitomi ran from the palace, not even noticing a courtyard dotted with ancient pillars and exquisite statues that she passed through. The statues couldn't help but tear up at the way the psychic girl ignored them. She was in a state of panic, her anxious mind whirling with thoughts and worries, her blood pounding through her veins like drumbeats.

"Dammit! What the heck do I do?!" She thought to herself as she ran. "If Millerna marries Allen, she'll be miserable! But if she marries Dryden, _I'll_ be miserable! Why do I have to develop a conscience _now_ of all times?! What do I doooo?!"

A little while later, Hitomi sat on some steps at the base of a sparkling fountain, her face buried in her knees, still unsure what to do. Normally she wouldn't care about Millerna's happiness, but now she felt too bad for the air-head to just dump Allen on her! Perhaps she could-

"Hitomi!" A voice jerked her out of her thoughts, and Hitomi looked up. Van stood before her, a brown bag slung over one thin shoulder, gazing at her curiously.

"What?" She asked. Van paused and cocked his head.

"Move to the left a little." He said.

"O…kay…" Hitomi shifted that way a bit. "Why did I just do that?"

"So I could see your panties."

There was a pause.

"I'll give you a five-second head start…" Hitomi hissed dangerously. Van gulped and turned white, suddenly regretting what he'd done. Dropping his bag, he wheeled around and started dashing away. Hitomi was after him in the blink of an eye. He didn't even have a chance.

"So…" Van whimpered out, Hitomi sitting on his beaten and bloodied body, "are you gonna tell me what's wrong?"

-In Zaibach-

Back in the city of Zaibach, the evil sorcerers were busy at work, once again messing with strange gauges and levers whilst calling out confusing reports and updates.

"Destiny levels rising smoothly! Shifting terma!" One called.

"Integrating nort! Sol to chaos threshold!" Another answered.

"Sanjaya should have won American Idol!"

_Smack_!

Folken ignored the surrounding confusion and strode briskly down a catwalk and through an automatic door, then into a darkened room with a raised platform.

"No!" Folken hissed as he peered into his trusted telescope. "I said I wanted extra _olives_ on my pizza, you dolts!" He smacked the foolish servant and made a note to call the doctor concerning his now _shattered_ hand. "If we don't act, the Dragon and that little sweetie will come closer!" He peeked into his telescope and witnessed Hitomi beating the crap out of Van. "Well…maybe not."

"Don't worry." Folken assured, speaking to his master via another large screen. "Van couldn't get a girl if it cost him his life. The Dragon still lacks the courage to trust the Lion."

"The Lion?" Dornkirk screwed up his face in confusion. "Speak English, man!"

"English? If you say so." Folken relished this rare opportunity to mess with leader. "Pip-pip! Cheerio! I do SAY, guv'na, that was some mighty _smashing_ tea we had this morn!"

"I meant _proper English_, you idiot!" Dornkirk spat.

"Well then you should have _said_ so." Folken now felt all warm and fuzzy inside.

-Back in Austuria-

In a beautiful green field, wooly white sheep grazed on the sweet grasses, the sun shining down and warming their thick coats. Nearby on a hill, a huge barn/windmill also sat in the sun, its large blades unmoving in the still air. Inside, Hitomi and Van were deep in conversation.

"Hmm…that's a toughie…" Van mulled over Hitomi's precarious situation, rubbing his chin in thought while checking for stubble. Nothing. Damn. "I'd _still_ let Millerna suffer, though."

"Well, _I'm_ not like that." Hitomi huffed. The two were up in the loft of the barn, with the Escaflowne's head poking up next to them from the ground floor.

"Hey, the whore asked for it," the melef scoffed.

"You shut up!" Hitomi barked, throwing some hay at him even though it didn't really do anything. "What am I gonna do?"

"Here!" Van called, chucking a yellow fruit at Hitomi. His aim was a bit off so it cracked her right between the eyes. Van winced at the loud noise and watched as Hitomi crumpled and dropped to the floor like a rock. "Whoops, sorry!"

"Learn how to throw!" The Escaflowne spat.

"Shut _up_!" Van hollered, pulling his arm back with another loaded yellow fruit. A girly grunt escaped his lungs as he wimpily threw the fruit a full two feet away, missing the melef entirely. The Escaflowne burst into gales of laughter as Van turned away from him, his cheeks burning with embarrassment.

A few minutes later he and Hitomi sat together in the loft, the red bump on the psychic girl's head accompanying the new, much bigger bump on Van's head. They each held one of the strange yellow fruits.

"Here, you eat it like this." Van demonstrated, gripping the fruit tightly. Grasping the top, he tried to snap it off but his spindly muscles weren't quite up to the task. "Uuurgh! Come on, you son of a…_guuurgh_! What is this thing _made_ out of?! Diamond?"

"You're such a wuss! Give it to me!" Hitomi snatched the fruit away since Van obviously needed some help. Gripping the top of the fruit, she easily snapped it off and turned to him with a blunt stare.

"It…it's my gloves!" Van said quickly. "They make it hard for me to grip stuff!"

"They're made out of _leather_." Hitomi pointed out. Van gulped and thought some more.

"Un…Unseen Forces?"

"Oh, forget it." Hitomi sighed and handed him his fruit back, then snapped the top off her own. Van pulled out some straws, which they then stuck into the fruit and drank the juice from it. "_Bleeeech_!" Hitomi gagged after a small sip. "This tastes like _baby_ medicine!"

Van's eyes filled with tears and his lower lip began trembling dangerously.

"Er, I mean," Hitomi amended, "it's not THAT bad. Thanks. What are these, anyway?" She took another sip to be polite.

"Pissquis." Van answered. Hitomi spat the juice out all over his face.

"Piss-WHAT?!" She spluttered.

"Calm down!" Van wiped his face clean with his shirt. "It's just fruit juice you're drinking, I swear."

"It better be…" Hitomi glowered at him but took another small sip. "_Guuuhh_…" It still tasted like baby medicine, whatever it was.

On the rafters above the Escaflowne, pigeons cooed and shifted around as the melef eyed them warily.

"One DROP," it whispered evilly, "and I'm-a having some pigeon pie for dinner." The pigeon all went silent and still, then nervously backed away from the rafter's edge.

"If you keep going around all day with that nervous look on your face," Van said to Hitomi, "people are gonna think that you're constipated or something."

"Okay, how is this supposed to _help_ me?" Hitomi mumbled, lowering her fruit and glaring at Van's back. He was kneeling on the Escaflowne's shoulder and using a large file to sharpen the melef's blade, who was keeping remarkably quiet due to the fact that Van and Hitomi were having a 'moment'.

"It's not like you're depressed, now is it?" Van asked over his shoulder, still filing away. "You've got plenty of happy pills, don't you? Just take a whole butt-load and you'll be off-your-rocker-happy!" Hitomi stared at his back, completely dumbfounded.

"He's…" She thought to herself in awe, "He's trying to make me feel better! That's…so sweet! And totally unlike him! Maybe he's got a twin or something…"

"Hitomi?" Van asked, his voice strangely serious.

"Yes?" Hitomi perked up.

"I'd…" Van said softly, "I'd like you…to stay with me. Stay with me from now on…" Hitomi gasped, dropped her fruit, and turned red. Was he making the moves on her?! What the hell was going ON?!

-In Zaibach-

Back in Zaibach, one of their ancient and powerful machines was on the fritz, its pressure valves turning wildly, steam hissing from the gaps in its clanging pipes. Folken stood next to the contraption, staring at it with unparalleled rapt attention.

"We _really_ need to get this boiler fixed." He murmured to himself.

"Destiny levels climbing smoothly!" The sorcerers started up again.

"Fate prediction at critical!"

"Chaos isn't halting!"

"Will you guys shut UP already?!" Folken hollered at them. "No-one understands you anyway!"

"We…we know…_Sniffle_…" The sorcerers dissolved into tears at Folken's harsh words.

"Oh, man…" Folken sighed and scratched his head, feeling a bit mean.

"I can't see it…I can't see it!" Dornkirk muttered in his throne. "Why can't I see the friggin' _Wii_ screen?!"

"It's on the wrong channel, sir." A servant pointed out.

"Oh."

-Back with Hitomi and Van-

Back in the loft, the mood was still sappy and sweet. Hitomi stared at Van in surprise, too stunned for words.

"Hitomi?" Van asked again. "I want you…to stay with me."

"But…Van…" Hitomi stuttered. "What…do you mean? As a body-shield? Or…someone to wash your urine-soaked pants? What?" Juice dripped on the floor from Hitomi's forgotten fruit.

"I…want you to stay with me…" Van said again, sounding like a record player. He stood up, still not facing her. "I want youuuu…."

"Oh, _Van_…" Hitomi blushed modestly.

"…uuur power!" Van finished.

"You _asshole_!" The sappy music came screeching to a halt as Hitomi slowly stood up with a dangerous gleam in her eye. "I can't believe you!"

Back in Zaibach, things were looking better.

"Levels now falling!" A voice called out.

"Heh. Van, I _knew_ you were hopeless with women." Folken smirked to himself.

"But…It's kinda romantic, isn't it?" Van asked, turning around to face the pissed-off Hitomi. "All the dead bodies and blood kinda ruins it, but _still_!" He took a step toward her, eyes filled with passion. "To defeat Zaibach, I'm gonna need your power! The power of Atlantis! With that, the Escaflowne will be able to do _more_ fabulous things!"

"Don't say 'fabulous'!" The melef butted in. "It makes me sound gay! Say 'bad-ass' or 'manly'!" Van ignored the melef's protests and pushed onward, unaware that he was simply making Hitomi angrier and angrier.

"Hitomi, please!" He begged. "I need your help!" He now stood in front of her and for the first time noticed the bulging vein in her forehead. "Uh…what did I do wrong?"

"_Everything_." Hitomi hissed.

From outside the windmill, a resounding slap could be heard. Followed by several kicks and a round-house punch to the face. Ouchies!

-Later-

Hitomi stood on a bridge somewhere in the small town, gazing forlornly down at her reflection in the small river running underneath. She sighed and chucked a rock at the calm waters, watching the ripples spread with disinterest.

"What a _jerk_…" She muttered.

Back in the windmill, Van was sharpening the Escaflowne's blade again, his face all bloody and beat up. To make matters worse, the naughty melef was now hell-bent on messing with the young King and making him even more miserable than he already was.

"Ooh, yeah," it moaned, "a little to the left-"

"_Would you stop that_?!" Van barked, kicking at the Esca's head viciously.

"Hey, _you're_ the one who killed the moment, not me, buddy!" The Escaflowne shot back.

-Back in Zaibach-

"Check completed!" The sorcerers reported. "All systems green. Hook-up meter on zero!"

"That was close!" Dornkirk breathed a sigh of relief. "I almost had to call in Angelina Jolie! Thank goodness that boy is such an inconsiderate _prick_! You two really ARE brothers, eh, Folken?"

"The hell is _that_ supposed to mean?" Folken growled, glaring at his leader through his screen.

"Er, nothing. What's the operation status?" Dornkirk quickly changed the subject.

"Majesty, all preparations are complete." Folken stood at attention before the TV screen, flanked by his two cat-girls, who kneeled at either side of him. Uh, oh! They're up to something…

-Aaaand Back to Austuria-

As the sun began dwindling from sight as clouds moved in from the mountains, its last orange rays shone down on a lonely graveyard on a hill a ways from the bustling town. Standing in front of a gravestone was Allen Schezar, decked out in tight black pants and a loose white shirt, his long blonde hair rustling in the light breeze.

"Hmm…maybe I should take off my shirt, too?" Allen mused. "Nah, there's only dead ladies here. Damn." He thankfully kept his clothes on. He glanced down at the grave he was standing in front of and smiled. "Hey, mama! How ya doing? I came to visit you!" He pulled a permanent marker out of his pocket and began doodling on her gravestone. "Just like old times, huh?"

"You're such a child…" A voice sighed. Allen raised an eyebrow and turned to see Princess Eries regarding him from behind with a withering glare.

"Oh, sorry, Princess EARies," he said mildly as he stood up and capped the marker. "I didn't hEAR you coming. Would you like a pEAR?" Her glare magnified in intensity but did little to affect the flamboyant man. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

The wind suddenly picked up and fluttered the funny shawl and veil the Princess wore, her long hair also tousled by the breeze. Allen scowled and shook his head, letting his own lovely locks blow in the wind. Flower petals and white dandelion seeds also joined in, dancing around the two in swirls.

"Ooh, _mine_ wins!" Allen hooted as the wind died back down. "My hair is SO much prettier than yours! I bet I could-gaaaak! Dandelion seed in my throat! Gaak!"

"This isn't a competition!" Eries huffed, a bit miffed that her own knee-length hair had lost to Allen's. He staggered past her, still gagging, as he began to leave the graveyard. "Give up on Millerna, please." Eries said softly as he passed by her. "It's been a long time, but she's finally found happiness."

"You just want her to move away." Allen shot back.

"Well, DUH." Was the reply.

"I guess Dryden is a _kinda_ good man," Allen sighed. "And only _kinda_ stupid. He's also got no idea what he's getting himself into. And he _desperately_ needs to wash his hair with some deep-conditioning moisturizer." Eries turned around and faced Allen's back, watching him carefully. "Besides, if this marriage were the only way to take the throne, _I'd_ have married the ditz." Having had his say, Allen departed.

"You're such a loser…" Eries murmured, holding onto a small bundle of flowers obviously meant for one of the graves. A sudden strong gust of wind caused her to lose her balance and tip over. "Oh, _bleep_." She was stranded, miles from town, with no-one around to help. Allen didn't count for obvious reasons. It would take her _hours_ to crawl back home. "I've _got_ to stop wearing this stupid skirt," Eries muttered, then reached out her arms to begin the long trek back home.

As Allen strode away, completely unaware of Eries's plight, he stopped and plucked a pink flower petal that had been floating in the air.

"Mama was allergic to this kind of flower…" he mused. "I remember putting it into all her clothes when I was little." He slowly let go of the petal and watched it fly up into the sky.

-In Zaibach-

"The Fate Alteration Engine's power is not yet perfected…" Dornkirk grumbled. "Neither is my swordplay, for that matter. Hit the damn Dinalfos, Link! What are you, _blind_?!" Apparently the emperor of Zaibach sucked at Zelda: Twilight Princess, since he was getting his arse kicked by several dino-monsters who were ganging up on the green-clad elf-boy. "Oh, _dammit_! Game over! Mother fu-"

"It'll still be able to influence and easily sway a human heart," Folken interrupted from the other screen just in time.

"My…my crappy swordplay will?" Dornkirk asked, confused. Folken took a deep breath and counted to ten.

"_The…Fate…Alteration…Engine…"_ he whispered fiercely.

"Oh, really?" Dornkirk asked, as if the idea had never crossed his mind. "That's pretty sweet. But on to more important matters." He turned back to his game, which he had just booted up again. "Epona, where the EFF are you?! Gawd, I wish they'd make a tracking system for that stupid horse!"

"Master!" Folken snapped his fingers to get his attention again. "We will insert the gravity of horniness into the girl from the Messed-up Moon, redirecting the vector of her heart to someone even _stupider_ than the Dragon."

"Goodness! Is that even possible?!" Dornkirk gasped.

"_You're living proof_." Folken grumbled.

"Come again?"

"Nothing. Fortunate for us, I've obtained the samples we'll need from them." Folken's memory flashed back to when the good-guys were trapped like canary's in the cages suspended from the ceiling. Lifting up his metal arm, Folken gazed at the two hairs he held in his hand. One was quite short and a modest brown, while the other was long, blonde, and nearly outshone the sun. "This…" he asked with a frown, looking at the blonde hair, "…is the _girl's_, right?"

"Nope!" Dorny shook his head while Folken made a face.

"_Damn_." He whistled softly. "I…kinda feel sorry for that girl…"

"Me, too!" Dornkirk agreed.

"Now, to do this…" Folken turned from the screen with Dornkirk and faced his two lovely followers, Nariya and Eriya, who stood at attention next to him. "I'll need one of you to be my partner. But which one?" He paused. "Quick, fight to the _death_! Cage-match!"

The two sisters leapt up, bared their claws and fangs at one another, and began circling with feline grace, hissing all the while. Just before they were about to go at it, Folken stopped them short.

"No, no, no. I was kidding. I have a much easier method of selection." Folken paused again. "Eenie, meenie, minee, mo, catch a cat-girl by the toe-"

"Is he serious?" The girls whispered.

"-my mother sucks and you are the ONE!" Folken ended up pointing at one of the girls, but of course the scene ended there so you're left hanging wanting to know which one got picked.

-Back in Austuria-

Clouds had filled the darkening sky, and ran began pouring down onto the festive little village, causing people to rush back inside to escape the downpour except for Gene Kelly, who pulled out an umbrella and began dancing and singing in the rain until someone konked him on the head and dragged him inside. Even Hitomi was stuck in the rain, hiding under the eave of a house where she was safe from the water.

"_Mrawr_!" Merle yowled, fur ruffed up. "Water! Keep it away from me! _Fffft_!" She and her beloved Lord Van were still at the windmill, taking shelter from the sudden downpour. Van contemplated shoving Merle into the rain and locking the door closed just for fun, but thought better since he'd already been enough of a jerk today. Plus he didn't need anymore injuries, thank you very much.

"Yeeek!" Hitomi jumped in fright as lightning crackled overhead. "Stupid downpour! I wish I could beat you up, too!" She was still in a bad mood about the whole a-hole Van thing.

Hitomi pressed herself against the building to make sure she stayed dry and glanced to the right. She froze when she saw a man and a lady making out quite shamelessly in the street.

"Get a room, you two!" She hollered rudely at the couple. "Quit playing tonsil hockey where everyone can see you, _gawd_! You make me sick!" She whirled around and ran off sobbing.

"Whoa, what's with _her_?" The man wondered.

"She's got it bad…" The women realized.

"Hey, she was kinda cute-"

"You PIG!"

_Slap_!

Allen was also making his way back to the town and got caught in the rain. It soaked his clothes and hair, which Allen didn't particularly enjoy.

"Oh, NO!" He wailed. "My shirt is _ruined_! And my shoes! And, _bleep_, my hair! I hate you, rain!" He began running toward the village at top speed, something he could actually do if the need was great enough. And nothing was more precious to him than his hair.

-In Zaibach-

"T-minus thirty-two to activation of Fate Accelerator!" A young sorcerer called out.

"Are you ready, Eriya?" Folken asked the golden haired cat-girl who'd won the gamble (if you could call it that). He was standing together with her in a large, dark room on a catwalk (a-HA). "We will be Allen Schezar and Hitomi Kanzaki." He paused and called over his shoulder. "You guys sure I can't be the girl? I…really wouldn't mind."

"You pulled the short straw, so you have to be the idiot!" Came the answer. Folken muttered some choice words under his breath but relented.

"Okay, _fine_. I'm Allen, you're Hitomi."

"Ooh, I _love_ role-playing!" Eriya purred. "Let's get it ON!" She leapt at Folken, who was forced to shove her off.

"Cool it! We're only doing a kiss!" He reminded her.

"Oh." Eriya practically deflated with disappointment.

"Now, how to be Allen?" Folken thought a moment. "Uh, nice boobies. Oh my _God_ I can't believe I just said that."

"Why thank- oh, wait. Like Hitomi…" Eriya cleared her throat, then punched Folken in the gut. "You _perv_!"

"We better get this over with quick," was all that Folken could think at the moment as he felt his sternum collapse. Damn that kitty was strong.

"T-minus ten seconds!" The same young sorcerer called out. Nariya was watching her sister and master jealously from a nearby room through a window.

"The stage is set," Folken intoned, "the cast assembled. Now is the time to change the vector of her heart."

"Three, two, one!" The sorcerer counted down.

_Beep, beep, beep_!

Everyone blinked in surprise as Dornkirk blushed and popped open the door to his beeping microwave.

"Sorry, guys," he amended, "but I gots to have mah Hot-Pocket!"

"He must like diarrhea," Folken muttered. He shook his head and ignored him. "Now, alter the fate!" He called.

"Altering fate!" The sorcerers answered.

"Altering fate!"

"Altering fate!"

"Folken!" Dornkirk whispered. "_Pssst_! Folllken!" Folken rolled his eyes and barely suppressed a groan.

"_What_?!"

"Say 'penis'!" Dornkirk stifled a giggle. "They'll repeat it! I swear! It's fun, try it!"

"No, that's stupid, and I'm _not_ doing it!" Folken hissed back. "Go away!"

"You're so…_hurtful_!" Dornkirk whimpered, tears filling his eyes. Folken wasn't paying attention. Gears began to churn and a light flickered down on him and Eriya as the experiment began. Even music began to play! Now you _know_ something's up!

"Hitomi," Folken said, raising a hand.

"How!" Eriya joked as she raised her own hand, doing her best impression of a native American.

"Okay, _that's_ racist," Folken chastised.

"Sorry. Just trying to be funny." Eriya blushed. "Allen." They clasped hands, and as they did, the huge globe that hung on the ceiling before Dornkirk in his lair changed color and began glowing a lovely sea green.

"Okay, who the EFF changed my screensaver?!" Dornkirk growled, enraged. "Oh, hey. It's turning! The Wheel of Fortune is turning! I'd like to buy a vowel and solve the puzzle! _Keeheeheehee_!" Dornkirk looked around, but no-one else was laughing. "Oh, what? Nothing? Not even a titter? Oh, FINE. Tough crowd." He turned away from them with a disdainful sniff. "And now…it all begins…"

On the stage, Folken and Eriya stepped closer.

"Now focus your feelings," Folken coached.

"Allen…" Eriya murmured, staring dreamily up at her master before grimacing. "Ew, that just doesn't sound right. Can I go gargle with salt water?"

-Back in Austuria and Now There'll Be A lot of Scene Changes So No More Headers-

Allen ran through the streets of the town, squealing pitifully as the rain soaked him further, and began hammering on people's door in desperation.

"Hey, you in there! Let me in, _please_!" He pleaded. "I need a towel for my hair! And a comb, _stat_! I'm begging you!"

"No! Go away!" People had gotten quite used to Allen and his antics over the past few weeks and were in no mood to stomach him now of all times.

"You people have no _soooouls_!" Allen howled as he ran off down the street. He suddenly remembered a time with Millerna on a grassy hill in the dazzling sun, with her happy and laughing. A shiver ran up his spine. "Huh? Why am I thinking of _her_ at a time like this? Well, I guess she was kinda nice and I _am_ gonna miss her…" he sighed. "I feel so left out of the booty-gettin'."

"Fate particles accelerating!" The young sorcerer reported. Nariya watched as her sister and Folken stepped even closer.

"The eff _am_ I?" Hitomi wondered dismally, wandering around in a meadow and taking shelter from the rain under a tree. "How did I get here, anyway?"

In a different dimension, the Unseen Forces were at a loss. What the hell was going on?! None of this was their doing! They all decided to blame Bob for the screwup. Bob was a dick, and they all hated him. Plus they were pretty sure he peed in their coffee every morning.

"I have to get back soon…" Hitomi mumbled, hugging herself to try and stay warm. She was soaked from head to toe and freezing her arse off. Poor thing! "Back where? Back to whom?" She laughed bitterly. "Stupid Van…stupid Millerna…stupid everyone." Lightning shot across the darkened sky again. "_You're_ stupid too, lightning!"

"Hey, that was unCALLED for!" The lightning stated in a hurt voice.

"Alright, fine. I'm sorry. I'm just really pissy right now."

"No, Lord Van, don't go!" Merle snarled. "It's what she _wants_ you to do!"

"Shut up, Merle!" Van hollered over his shoulder as he dashed off into the rain. "I _have_ to find her! She's my partner, isn't she? Without her, I can't be the hero!" He left Merle to have a tantrum by herself.

"_Oooh_, de-NIED!" The Escaflowne hooted tauntingly.

"_Quiet_!" Merle hissed, kicking his ankle viciously.

Hitomi had given up on sulking by herself and had started walking back to town.

"What am I doing?" She wondered aloud. "When did I get so used to life here? Why is this dramatic music playing?" She glanced down. "And why are my legs moving on their own? This is really weird…"

Indeed, it was as if Hitomi's body were moving on its own, being controlled by another force that apparently _wasn't_ the Unseen Forces, but even bigger bastards. She'd finally gotten back into town, but her legs still continued to walk and took her to a small wooden bridge built over a stream before they finally came to a stop.

"Geez, about time," Hitomi grumbled, still a bit crabby. "Huh? That's funny, I can't move. What am I doing here, anyway?" She looked up. "I sure hope- _ohGODno_."

Allen had just appeared on the opposite end of the bridge.

"Allen? What's he doing here?" Hitomi's mind suddenly went into panic mode. "This isn't- we're not going to- _HEEEEEEEEELLPPPP_!" She struggled to move, to run, but her legs still refused to budge, and she was glued to the spot. Oh, crap! This was _baaaad_!

"Target value has been reached!" The young sorcerer, who we'll now call William Du-fancy-pants because I feel he should have a name, called out.

Steam swirled around Eriya and Folken as Dornkirk watched the scene play out through his telescope.

"Come, show me!" Dornkirk prayed. "Show me a total make-out session! Whoo! Show me the power of fate that draws one to another, _horniness_!"

Allen now stood directly in front of Hitomi, a strangely sweet and serene look on his face. Hitomi didn't buy it for a second. The two were now standing together in the middle of the bridge, the rain still falling around them.

"Don't you DARE." Hitomi thought, as her voice had stopped working (probably due to the bastard forces interfering) along with her body, which still refused to move at her command. Allen slowly raised a hand and placed it gently on her shoulder. "Oh, you are SO dead." Hitomi attempted to kill him with her glare if it was malicious enough, but Allen wasn't really paying attention so it did nothing more than make Hitomi's eyes hurt.

Folken and Eriya hugged each other in a surprisingly cute kind of way as the dramatic music swelled. Likewise, in Austuria, Allen wrapped his arms around the protesting Hitomi.

"Hitomi…" Allen murmured into her hair. "Why is it that when I'm with you, I'm so gosh-darn horny? _Why_?"

"Ugh…" Hitomi struggled to keep from puking. "He smells like Axe body spray and Old Spice mixed together. I think I'm gonna be sick. Wait, maybe it'll get him _offa_ me." For a brief instant, an image of Millerna entered her mind. That one instant was enough. "Gaaah! Get away from me! What about Millerna, you jerk?!" Hitomi finally found the strength to shove Allen away.

The lights around Folken and Eriya dimmed as the experiment began to fail.

"Particle density is decreasing!" William Du-fancy-pants confirmed.

"Slip him the tongue!" Nariya suggested. Eriya silenced her with a glare.

"Free your mind of worldly thought," Folken said soothingly, still holding the golden-haired twin. "Now just think of _me_, with all your heart!"

"And slip him the tongue!"

"Will you shut _up_, Nariya?!" Folken barked.

"Lord Folken," Eriya said weakly, "just imagining you as Allen is sickening enough. I…I don't think I can do it…"

"Yes, you _can_," Folken assured her. "You're strong, you can do it!"

"Lord Folken…" Eriya gathered her strength and tried again. The light above them flickered and came back on. That's…bad, right?

Hitomi and Allen now stood apart, which was fortunate for Hitomi, who was close to passing out from the fumes coming from Allen's body spray.

"Oh, thank _goodness_! Fresh air!" She took huge gulps of it while she still could, eyeing Allen warily in case he tried anything again.

"What? Who cares about _Millerna_?" Allen asked, making a face.

"Well, no-one," Hitomi answered truthfully, "but _I'm_ not one of those mean girls from that Lyndsay Lohan movie, okay?" She shook her head and tried to move her legs again. No good. It was like she was a member of the mafia who'd flubbed up and been given cement shoes before going for a swim in the river. Damn! "I know how Millerna feels about you, heck, _everyone_ does! And if you haven't noticed it before, I hate your stinking guts."

"All I see is you, Hitomi," Allen said dreamily, paying no attention to Hitomi's protests, "you, and your boobies. Come to daddy!"

"No! Get away from me!" Hitomi wailed as the nightmare started all over again.

"Okay, I'm _not_ saying any more of this mumbo jumbo," William Du-fancy-pants huffed. "The thing is working, got it? _Gawd_, I need a better job…" On the stage, Folken and Eriya once again stepped closer to one another while Nariya clawed up William in jealousy.

Allen placed his hand on Hitomi's shoulder again, the pull of horniness too strong to resist. Hitomi wanted more than anything else to scream "Raaaaaaaaaaape!" as loud as she could, but it seemed her voice had quit working again.

"Damn you, Unseen Forces!" She growled inwardly. "Why are you _doing_ this?!"

"It's not _us_, toots!" The Unseen Forces shrugged in answer.

"Oh, yeah right! Eep!" Hitomi flinched as Allen suddenly pulled her closer. "N-n-n-n-n-n-nooooooo!" He was leaning in, lips puckered for a kiss. Crap!

At the same time, Folken and Eriya were going in for a kiss, too. Hitomi tried valiantly to resist, even attempting to knock the horny Knight out with her forehead if need be, but her body refused to heed her wishes and gave in. Folken and Eriya kissed, while Dornkirk leaned in close to the screen, completely enthralled.

"_NOOOOOOOOOO_!" Hitomi's mind screamed as Allen kissed her, and lightning blasted down from the sky as well.

"Whoa, that's pretty freakin' hot!" Dornkirk commented. "And a new destiny has begun, too! _Bonuuuuuus_!"

"Will you stop playing with your Wii?!" His servant barked.

"Do you even _realize_ what you just said?" Dornkirk asked him bluntly.

"I'm not sure that I _want_ to," his servant answered, then went to go lie down for a bit.

-Back in Austuria, No More Scene Changes-

The rain had finally let up, the darkened clouds giving way to the sun as it pierced the clouds and shone down on Hitomi and Allen, who still stood on the wooden bridge. In a street nearby, Van was completely lost.

"Aw, _man_. Where the hell am I?" He asked himself. "Damn rain, now my tight pants are chaffing. Ow. It feels like my balls are in a grinder. _Owww_!" He moaned in pain before blinking in surprise. "Huh? What's that, strange disembodied voice? Walk through this alleyway? Well, alright, but I don't see what- _ohmygodHitomiandAllenmakingout_!"

The kiss finally ended with Allen looking blissful and Hitomi retching and gagging noisily.

"Oh GOD that was gross! He tasted like cinnamon tooth-paste and stupid!" Hitomi hacked. Van watched them, his jaw almost hitting the ground.

"That…that _whore_!" He sputtered.

-Episode 19 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Whew! That took me quite a while, since I was writing two others things at the same time. I guess I suck a multi-tasking. Sorry about that! But I am getting closer to the end, huh? Sure hope I can make it! Oh, and if you were wondering about William Du-Fancy-Pants name, it's pronounced Doo-Fancy-Pants, not Duh-Fancy-Pants. Just wanted to clear it up. Later! Review, please!


	20. Episode 20: Fudged Up Vows

Author's Note: Finally, the twenties! I can see the distant horizon! Here I go! My funny was on the fritz for the first half of the episode, but finally started picking up as I went along. As a result, the last half is much funnier than the beginning (in my opinion, anyway). Oh, well. Review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 20

Fudged-Up Vows

Recap: Folken gets caught in a lie and interrogated by the other Generals of Zaibach (who mostly just yell at Adelphos and throw punch at him) for not telling them how dangerous/stupid the Dragon was. They start plotting while Allen's crew, who're now in Austuria, have a good cry now that their idiot Captain is back for good. It turns out that Millerna is going along with the wedding and is going to marry Dryden (the poor son of a gun) despite still having obvious feelings for Allen. She and Hitomi have some 'girl-talk' about who is right for Millerna (the answer? No-one!) before Hitomi can't take anymore and runs for it. She's developed a conscience and now would feel bad for Milly if she stuck Allen on her. Van arrives and tries to cheer her up with some nasty-tastin' fruit. After a little more talking, he starts trying to tell her how he feels, but of course, flubs it up. Hitomi beats the living crap out of him and leaves. Allen visits (annoys) his dead mother at the graveyard, then talks with (annoys) Princess Eries. Meanwhile, back in Zaibach, Folken chooses one of his cat-girl slaves and begins an experiment that will make Hitomi stop liking Van (if she ever did) and try to hook her up with Allen (this should be _illegal_). It works, kinda, with Hitomi's body moving against her will and making her kiss Allen. _Bleaaaaagh_. _Runs to throw up_. And of course, the Unseen Forces just _have_ to make sure that Van is there to witness it. The bastards!

"_Gaaaaaaah_!" Hitomi gagged, trying desperately to keep from puking her guts out as she shoved Allen away from her. The kiss had lasted only a few seconds but within those short moments, Hitomi could feel her sanity slipping away. Allen was quite unaware of her disgust, having adopted a look of complete bliss/stupidity and staring off into space. "Okay, why the _hell_ do I have to run out of tic-tacs NOW of all times?!" Hitomi hissed, rummaging around in her pockets for the refreshing treat. "_Fine_! I'll just gargle with salt-water! No, even better, acid! Or lava! I don't _caaaaaare_!"

"I love you, Hitomi!" Allen swooned, going in for another kiss. As if Hitomi would let him now that her body was obeying her again.

"Aagh! No! I've had enough of you for one day! Scratch that, a lifetime! Take this!" She yanked out a smallish canister of pepper-spray and maced him right in the face.

"_Ieeeeeeeeee_!" Allen went down in a squirming heap, weakly trying to shield his hair from the onslaught.

"Hah! How ya like _that_, sucker?! That'll teach ya!" Hitomi hooted over Allen's twitching body triumphantly. She twirled around, then screeched to a halt as she saw a certain someone standing behind her.

Van stood several feet away, the saddest abandoned-puppy-dog-expression plastered on his face, with eyes big and sparkling, lower lip stuck out, and nose sniffling. He looked like the very epitome of sadness and loneliness.

"Uh…Van?" Hitomi asked nervously, lowering her arms from her victory dance. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm _not_ jealous." Van stated matter-of-factly. He then promptly turned around and went running away, wailing his lamentations at the top of his lungs, his arms flailing in the air above him.

"Oh, _geez_." Hitomi groaned and smacked her forehead. "Not this again. Vaaaan, wait!"

"No! You're mine now!" Allen growled defensively, latching onto his prey by wrapping his arms around her waist to stop her from going after the boy-King. "Stay here with _meeee_!"

"Oh, so you want _another_ dose, _do_ ya, punk?!" Hitomi hissed, giving her loyal can of mace a shake.

_Pssssssssshhhttt_!

"Aaauugh!" Allen got it right in the eyes and began clawing at them in agony.

"Yeah, bitch!" Hitomi hollered, kicking Allen in the gut while she was at it. "Millerna got this for me, you should _thank_ her!"

-Later On, With Van-

Night had finally fallen on the officially longest-ass day ever (in Hitomi's mind, at least), and the light of the Messed-up Moon shone down on the lonely windmill-barn thing as clouds scudded along the sky. Yes, scudded _is_ a word. Isn't it wonderful? _I_ think so.

"Oh, you're _soaked_ from the rain, Lord Van!" Merle chided. They were inside the windmill in front of a fireplace, where Van sat on a crate, shivering like crazy and chattering his teeth at the chill. What did you expect, running around in the rain?! He'll probably catch pneumonia and die. Oh, wait, the Unseen Forces would never let that happen. Never mind! The Escaflowne watched, actually keeping quiet because it seemed Van was having a serious bout of depression akin to Hitomi's after a particularly bloody vision. And that's sayin' a _lot_.

"Let's take your shirt off! Whooo!" Merle sang, grabbing hold of Van.

"Get offa me, woman!" Van growled, shoving her away. He was in no mood for her and her blatant flirting. "It wasn't the rain, anyway. This shirt is soaked with my _tears_! Guuuuuh!" He was barely able to hold back the raging floodwaters, but somehow managed to keep from crying anymore (for the time being, at least). Despite the fact that Merle was in the room, Van reached up and peeled off his shirt, as it was starting to chafe at his man-boobies. Merle cheered with pom-poms as he did so (don't ask me how she got them).

"Okay, now I'll dry you off with my body!" Merle declared, jumping at him.

"Get me a mother-flipping towel!" Van snapped, expertly side-stepping the assault and listening with satisfaction as she slammed into the Escaflowne's hard, metal foot. She dragged herself back, towel in hand, and weakly gave it to him. Van snatched the towel away and began drying his hair, glowering all the while. "Stupid whore Allen. Stupid skank Hitomi. I hate you all!" He sniffled.

"You see, I _told_ you!" Merle had picked herself up off the ground and was putting a band-aid on her bleeding head. "She's a total ho, isn't she! And that Allen is an even bigger one! She's bad news!"

"_Ooooh_! And what does _she_ think about _you_?" Jerry Springer asked, shoving the mic into Van's face as the studio audience booed loudly.

"Who the eff are you?" Van asked blankly. "And how did you get in here?"

"Why, I'm Jerry Springer!" Jerry said with a smile. "The evil spawn of the devil, _duh_!"

"You said you loved me!" An overweight alcoholic depressed bipolar lesbian shrieked from a chair that had magically sprung up beside Van. "I even had your baby!"

"No you _didn't_!" Merle gasped, sitting in a chair opposite the other lady. "_I_ did! You slut!" She leapt at the women and they began clawing at each other viciously.

"Man I wish Hitomi was here," Van thought sadly, totally oblivious to the ensuing chaos around him as several members of the studio audience got up and joined the fray.

-With Hitomi-

"No, I will NOT kiss you again! Go _away_!" Hitomi slammed open the door to her room and stormed in, followed closely at the heels by the horny Allen. He'd been following her around all day, begging for another kiss, and it was driving her nuts!

"Wait, Hitomi!" He whined. "You mustn't catch cold! You should change out of those wet clothes! Here, I'll help!" As he reached for her, Hitomi kicked him in the groin and shoved him outside, slamming the door shut in his face.

"I'll take that as a 'no thanks, but maybe later' answer." Allen gurgled, struggling to stand erect.

"Maybe NEVER, you mean!" Hitomi hollered through the closed door. "Just _leave_ already!"

"But tomorrow is Milly's wedding! I'm too _excited_ to sleep!" Allen protested. "Come on, let's sit together and drink hot chocolate and giggle like girl-scouts! Girl-scouts who make out!"

"Go AWAAAAY!" Hitomi snatched open the door and flung a very large and expensive-looking vase at Allen's head (who cares if it was Millerna's?). Allen gasped, ducked, and quickly scampered away, now that his hair was being threatened. That was where he drew the line.

Hitomi sighed and closed the door once again, brushing her sodden hair out of her face.

"Stupid a-hole…" she grumbled. "Can't take a friggin' hint."

-In Zaibach-

Waaay off in Zaibach, everyone was busy getting ready for, well, being evil and stuff. Electricians worked with fizzing wires, while welders welded jagged cuts in the sides of Floating Jellyfish. Skylights roamed the night sky with the 'bat signal', which Folken found less than amusing.

"Oh, _ha, ha_. Very _funny_, you guys." He growled, all the while forcing himself to resist the temptation to answer the signal and go flying out into the night to fight crime. We all know you want to, Folken!

Below all the commotion, in a secluded room, sparks flew as the two cat-twins fenced efficiently with one another, their lovely faces protected by mesh masks and swords whistling as they struck out at each other. They flipped around the small room, blades flashing, breathing heavily, until-

"Hey! Watch the _hair_, sis!" Nariya hissed as a small lock of her silver-colored hair was sliced off. "Never the hair!"

"Alright, I'm sorry!" Eriya amended, pausing for an instant.

"Gotcha!" The other cat-girl jumped at the opportunity and jabbed with her blade, causing her sister to lose her own. The two went down in a heap, and began scuffling wildly on the floor. Men on bleachers surrounding the two began cheering loudly, delighted to see a cat-fight between the two sexy sisters. The twins paid them no mind, and instead continued grappling. Finally Nariya was able to catch Eriya in an Arm Bar, and the golden-haired girl was forced to tap out. By the side of the ring, B.J. Penn groaned in disappointment.

"I should have NEVER chosen her for my team!" He lamented.

Nariya stood triumphantly over her sister and whipped off her mask sexily (the men responded with encouraging shouts) and then flung it at the gaggle of men, dispersing them quickly.

"Will you guys get OUT?! This isn't some live match!" She hissed.

"Oh, it's not?" B.J. Penn looked confused and wandered away. The camera crew followed close behind.

"Man, Folken's such a lucky bastard!" The men whined as they also filed out the door. Nariya rolled her eyes and turned back to her prone sister.

"You almost had me there, Eriya," she congratulated. "You almost won!"

"Oh, please," Eriya grumbled, rolling over onto her back and taking off her own mask. "I can't even beat you at Dance-Dance Revolution. Do me a favor and pop my arm back in its socket, would you?"

"Stop being such a baby!" Nariya scolded.

"I am _not_ being a baby!" Eriya shot back.

"Are to!"

"Am not!"

"Are TO!"

"Am NOT!"

"ARE TO!"

"Oh yeah, well I got to kiss Folken so NYAAH!" Eriya stuck her tongue out and smiled smugly, having won the verbal fight.

"Why you little…!" Nariya was so pissed she couldn't even finish her sentence. "That's it! I'm gonna…lie on you seductively for no apparent reason!"

"_Hells_ yeah!" The men, who had returned and were now peeking in through the window, cheered as she did so.

"Uuugh. You need to lose some weight." Eriya grunted.

"Shut up!" Nariya glared into her sister's face and leaned closer. "Just tell me! What was the kiss like?"

"Hey! Kiss her or something!" One of the men called out.

"Whoo! Girl on girl action!" Another yelled. Nariya and Eriya chose to ignore them.

"Okay, I _seriously_ can't breath." Eriya shoved her sister off none-too-gently (the men all complained) and gasped for air. Once she'd caught her breath, the two sisters lay side-by-side, staring up at the ceiling quietly.

"It's not fair…" Nariya said softly. "I wanted to kiss Folken, too."

"Oh, please…" Eriya sighed. "If I hadn't kissed, I'd still have my dream. I regret kissing him."

"What? Why?" Nariya lifted her head curiously.

"Lord Folken…" Eriya said slowly, "has some _really_ rank breath." The two lay together for several more moments, the silence still interrupted by the horny men and their inappropriate catcalls.

"But…we're happy, right?" Nariya asked with a smile, taking her sister's hand and sitting up.

"Yeah…I guess."

"Come on," Nariya coaxed, trying to cheer her sister up. "Let's go slaughter those guys out there."

"Oh, _bleep_." The men all ran like hell.

"Maybe next time." Eriya wasn't really in the mood for genocide. Instead, she felt more like thinking about the past for some reason…

-Flashback Tiiiiiiime!-

Two scruffed-up little cat-girls in tattered dresses stood at the edge of a cliff, ringed at all sides by a mob of angry humans. They hissed and backed away fearfully, the humans coming closer and brandishing their pitchforks and clubs menacingly.

"Damn you little brats!" One man growled. "You're gonna get it for makin' us think you were those hot Olsen Twins!"

"We never said we WERE!" The sisters hissed back.

"Dude, _you're_ the only one who thought that, anyway," another man reminded.

"Hey, I can dream, can't I?!" The first man sputtered, turning red.

"Whatever. You two are going to pay, because…" The second man frowned and turned to face the others. "Why are we doing this again?"

"Because we said so." The Unseen Forces answered bluntly.

"Oh, right." The man turned back around and lifted his weapon. The others did the same.

"Our lives should have ended then…" The grown sisters' voices narrated. The little cat-girls backed away in terror, and the Unseen Forces took advantage and stuck out their foots, tripping them.

"_Ooopsies_!" They sang as the two small twins fell down the canyon and into the gorge below. As they plummeted downward, feathers suddenly flew through the air as a younger Folken appeared and flew to the girls.

"Eeek! A vampire!" They squealed.

"Do you wanna get saved or not?" Folken growled.

"Oh. Uh…hooray! An angel!" The girls batted their eyelashes at him.

"That's more like it." Folken scooped them up and brought them safely down to the bottom of the gorge, where he set them onto the ground. They scrambled away from him and hid in a corner, snarling at him in fear.

"You're not sucking our blood, vampire!"

"Yeah! Go away!"

"I'm not a fricking vampire already!" Folken barked. "_Geeez_! Look, here's some catnip, now come join my evil society, alright?"

"SOLD!" The two girls squealed with delight and leapt at Folken's hand, which held the irresistible treat. He winced in pain as they mauled his appendage into oblivion.

"Poor little things," he mumbled through the agony. "Your luck has been a hard fate. And it's taken a turn for the worst, since you're now under the rule of a deranged old man." Folken's lovely white wings folded on his back, the feathers ruffling softly. "I'll give you new names. How does Laverne and Shirley sound?"

"No way, vampy!" The girls spat around their catnip. "We're Nariya and Eriya, don't you forget it!"

"Fine, but don't forget that _my_ name is Folken, not vampy or vampire or freaky goth guy in the cape who listens to Linkin Park, okay?" Folken sniffed. "And I still liked _my_ names better. Anyway, today, you will be reborn. From now on, you two will be blessed with better luck. Hopefully, it'll rub off on me and I'll be put out of my misery quickly." He paused for a moment. "Can I have my hand back now?" The girls let go and he took back the bleeding stump that was left of it. "I hate my job. I really do. You guys better be hot when you grow up."

-Okay, Flashback's Oveeeer!-

Nariya and Eriya still lay side-by-side on the floor of the room, the silence comforting for them both as they held hands and relived their earlier years, and also because it meant those horny-ass men had finally left.

"Man, and I thought we were supposed to be _lucky_." Nariya sighed.

"We're even worse off than that Dragon-kid." Eriya commented.

"Hey, girls, what's going on in-_ohsweetbastardwhatareyoutwodoing_?!" Folken spluttered as he entered the room and quickly whirled around, face flushing a deep crimson.

"Speaking of unlucky…" the girls grumbled, then sat up to face their master. "Stop being silly, Lord Folken. You can turn around, we weren't doing anything."

"R-Really?" Foken nervously peeked over his shoulder to see if it was safe and slowly turned to his subordinates, clearing his throat. "Anyway, I came to tell you that at its current level, your luck is unable to overcome Van's much more powerful _dumb_ luck."

"True, it _does_ seem to gather around tremendously idiotic people…" the girls mused.

"Nariya, Eriya…" Folken walked closer and stroked their heads, eliciting purrs from each of them. "If you wish, I have it in my power to grant you even more luck, an unparalleled luck. One that no-one can take away from you."

"You're…not going to make us wear three-leaf clovers, horse-shoes, and eat Lucky Charms again, are you?" Eriya asked suspiciously.

"Yeah, cause that cereal gave her the runs for a week! Hahaha!" Nariya chortled.

_Smack_!

-In Austuria-

Whee! We're back in Austuria again! But too bad, we're not with Van or Hitomi. Nope, this time, we're with a certain spoiled Princess. Did you just shudder? _I_ did. Well, let's hurry up and get it over with. _Takes deep breath_. Here we go!

"Nope. No! Nada! This isn't the one _either_! Dammit, where is it?!" Princess Millerna wailed, trashing her own room in search of a specific piece of jewelry she desired. She'd opened her desk drawers, her jewelry boxes, even her secret safe which was filled with candid pictures of Allen when he wasn't looking, and she _still_ couldn't find it! Gold bracelets, diamond necklaces, and sparkling beads littered the room.

"Would you stop trying to find the one with a naked picture of Allen in it?" An exasperated voice growled.

"I am NOT!" Millerna shrieked indignantly, face flushing. "And how do _you_ know about that anyway?!" She glanced nervously to the side, her gaze coming to rest on her beautiful wedding dress, complete with veil and striped stole, just waiting for her to put it on. "Ugh. I wish I could spice that old thing up. Preferably shorten the dress and open up the top."

"It's your _wedding_ day," the same voice drawled. "Can't you be modest for at least once in your life, Princess?"

"But I wanna look _hot_!" Millerna complained, then frowned. "Wait, who the hell am I talking to?" She looked around her room and glared at a suspicious table with red drapery that was exuding a rather disgusting smell of sweat and booze. "I _know_ you're under there, Moleman."

"I…am not!" A thin farting noise emanated from under the table. "…Okay, yes I am. And I'm stuck. Please help me."

"That is if I don't _die_ first," Millerna gagged, waving her hands around in a vain effort to disperse the stinking fart-cloud. It took a few minutes full of straining and vulgar swears, but finally she was able to wrench the rotund man from his small, cramped hiding place.

"Aaaah! Fresh air!" The Moleman sighed, punctuating the end of his sentence with yet another fart.

"Not anymore," Millerna coughed, backing away from the sweat-covered man. Gawd, it was dripping off him in _sheets_. "What on earth were you doing under there, anyway?"

"Hmmm…" The Moleman turned to Millerna and regarded her seriously. "How can I put this? You…used to have a…glow about you, but now it's…_aw, hell_. I give up. Just tell me what's eatin' ya, girlie!"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Millerna lied primly, looking away. Moleman raised his eyebrows and watched her with lowered glasses.

"Here, I'll do a magic trick to cheer ya up!" He stepped close to the Princess and waved his arms around like a crack-head trying to fly. "Doodily-doo-dee-doo! And look what comes out your nose!" A beautiful golden necklace with an inset red gem suddenly appeared in his hands. Millerna gaped in awe.

"Oh my GOD!" She squealed, "What ELSE do I have up there?!" She rushed to the nearest mirror to try and see up her nose for more valuables.

"Er, it was just a joke…" Even the Moleman was astonished at her stupidity.

"What? You jerk!" Millerna stormed back from the mirror and gave him a smack.

"May I say, Princess," the Moleman went on despite the red imprint of a hand on the side of his face, "that out of all your treasures, I guess that there's only _one_ that perfectly suits you." He winked suggestively.

"Are you…" Millerna asked uncertainly, "…hitting on me?"

"What?! Good heaven's no! I'm just saying what Hitomi told me to so you'll get with Allen!" The Moleman sputtered, backing up several steps in surprise. "Unless…" He quirked an eyebrow. "Unless you're interest-"

"OOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTT!" Millerna laid the smack-down on him like a pro-wrestler (not like the ones on WWF) and threw his broken and bleeding body out the window before he could even blink.

"D…dammit…" he gurgled, "I _never_ get the girl…"

-Back in Zaibach-

In a small, darkened room (Zaibach seems to only have these kind of rooms, don't they? Gawd, have they never heard of _colors_?), yellow liquid bubbled as it ran through various plastic tubes and vials. Folken stood before his two henchwomen, who lounged on surgical chairs that looked a whole lot like the sinfully uncomfortable ones at the dentist's office.

"I will completely replace your body's blood," Folken began explaining, "With-"

"PEE? Oh dear Lord, that looks like PEE!" Nariya yowled, edging away from the golden-colored liquid in the tubes.

"It's _not_ pee, girls," Folken stated calmly.

"But…" Eriya protested, "it sure does _look_ like pee."

"It's _not_!" Folken insisted, a bit more firmly this time. "It's _Fortune Blood_, alright?"

"Is that…some kind of p-"

"It's not frickin' _pee_, okay?! What do you want me to _do_, put in some food coloring and make it _green_ or something?!" Folken exploded like a T-bomb.

"No, that's alright," Nariya shrugged her shoulders, completely unaffected by the outburst. "What _is_ Fortune Blood, anyway?" Folken sighed, made a mental note to visit his therapist, and began to explain.

"Emperor Dornkirk's research selected people with strong luck and a high survivability factor from all over the world-" He began.

"So…" Eriya interrupted. "He got blood from the cast of Survivor?"

"Yes. Yes he did." Folken admitted truthfully. "As a matter of fact, Dornkirk _himself_ is one of the shows producers."

"No wonder it's so dumb…" the sisters muttered.

"Anyway," Folken said, getting them back on track, "from the nuclei of their cells, he extracted Fortune DNA, which he then fused together using the Fate Alteration Engine to create _this_, artificial blood."

The girls stared at him dubiously, waiting.

"Oh, FINE! You want to know the truth?!" Folken growled. "Emperor Dornkirk sat on his _candy ass_ and played Twilight Princess while Bill Nye the Science Guy did all the work, OKAY?!"

"Just as we thought." The two girls exchanged glances. They were both dressed in those funny light blue hospital gowns with the exposed behinds, and had several tubes and wires hooked up to their arms and necks. They were ready for the operation. And no, not the annoying board game that SO cheats.

"But the risk is great," Folken warned. "Any questions?" Nariya raised her hand.

"Just one. Will it make my butt look big?"

"We'll be just FINE." Eriya interrupted. "I know we will."

"Yeah, we are very _lucky_, after all." Nariya nodded. "Plus the Unseen Forces still need us."

"Alright." Folken raised his metal arm upward. "Intensify luck!" He called loudly. The girls giggled. "What? What the hell is so funny?!"

"You…look silly." Eriya said around her laughter.

"Start the damn procedure already!" Folken barked, fed up. The tubes connected to the girls began to gurgle as the yellow liquid began pumping into their veins, replacing their own blood with the modified Fortune Blood, making their veins glow yellow.

"Ugh. This had SO better not be pee."

"How many times do I have to tell you, it ISN'T?!"

-Back in Austuria-

Meanwhile, back in the capital of Austuria, everyone was busy getting ready for the royal wedding between Millerna and Dryden. In the huge marriage hall, a lovely red carpet for them to walk to the altar by was being rolled out (with several confused celebrities trying to walk it and having to be lead away by security), and people bustled around on one task or another. Melefs lined the walls of the hall, and way up above the commotion, Hitomi watched from a balcony.

"Hmm…" she pondered. "Is this what's really right for Millerna? Or _me_?" She sighed and leaned against the balcony railing. She couldn't help but twitch as her eyes caught a familiar effeminate Knight of Kaeli down at the floor, talking to several other prissy soldiers about proper hair-care. "Frigging loser." She glared at him evilly.

"I find that a good conditioner can really _lighten_ my hair instead of weigh it down," Allen was saying, then froze as his woman senses began tingling. "What's this? Is someone checking out my ass?" He wiggled it seductively just in case.

"Ewww." Hitomi shuddered and ripped her eyes away. An unwanted image of the two kissing entered her mind, as well as the chronically-depressed Van running away afterward. "Oh, _maaaan_…" Hitomi groaned and leaned her head onto the railing as guilt washed over her. And nausea as well.

"Hitomi?"

"Ohh, not NOW." Hitomi grumbled and slowly turned to see Millerna. "_Whaaaaaat_?" She ground out.

"Hitomi…could you…" Millerna asked haltingly, "Tell me if my ass looks hot in this dress? Oh, who am I kidding, when does it NOT! Whoop! Whoop!" She began shakin' what her momma gave her despite Hitomi having already turned the other way again. "I was just kidding! Come on, do a reading for me, will you?"

"What? Why now?" Hitomi made a face.

"I just don't know," Millerna explained with a sigh. "I'm _totally_ hot for Allen, and for Dryden too! I just don't know if I can live with Dryden…"

"Well, this isn't a Las Vegas, Brittany Spears and K-Fed wedding or anything," Hitomi chuckled as she turned around.

"…What?"

"Er, nevermind." Hitomi waved a hand in the air dismissively. "Listen, you just have marriage jitters."

"WHAT?!" Millerna gasped aloud, her eyes bright with indignation. "I do NOT have marriage jitters, and I didn't give _Allen_ marriage jitters, because I don't sleep a-ROUND! Everybody hear THAT?!"

Millerna's loud announcement had silenced the entire marriage hall, and now everyone had halted their work and were staring up at the two girls on the balcony with inquisitive looks.

"Anyone got a _problem_?" Millerna asked dangerously. The crowd immediately went back to work without a second glance, terrified of their promiscuous Princess.

"Anyway, I can't tell fortunes anymore," Hitomi mumbled, then tried to duck away and escape. Millerna leapt forward and caught her by the arm.

"Come on, pleaaaase?" She begged. "If you tell me my fortune, I'll…I'll…tell you my secret to being so devastatingly sexy!" Hitomi contemplated this for a moment, but dismissed the notion. Whatever Millerna was, it _definitely_ wasn't sexy.

"But what if I call up some strange future again?" Hitomi argued. "The hairspray, have you forgotten about the HAIRSPRAY, Millerna?!" She grabbed the Princess by the face and shook her, then broke down into sobs. "The poor, poor _ozone layer_!"

"Hitomi, you may be one weird little gal," Millerna soothed (?), "but whatever the cards say, I'll believe them! Unless it says I'm _not_ smoking hot or something. Oh, please! Pleaaaaaaaaase! Pleasepleasepleasepleaaaaaase!"

"ALRIGHT ALREADY!" Hitomi exploded. "Ge-yawd! You're so effing annoying!"

"Woo-hoo! Two points!" Millerna pumped a fist in the air triumphantly.

-Later-

A while later, the two women were in Millerna's private rooms, which were, predictably, filled with huge wall-scrolls of Allen's face from different angles. They sat at a small desk by the window, with Hitomi taking out her deck of Tarot cards and drawing them out, naming each one as she went.

"Three of serpents…" she muttered, "hanged man…moon…"

"Cheetos!" Millerna chimed in, cramming another handful of the orange, cheesy snack into her mouth. Her aim wasn't very good and so the food ended up going all over her face, which was completely orange by this time.

"Will you knock it off?!" Hitomi was tempted to snatch the bag away and kill her with it, if it was even possible. Hitomi wished it were. She glanced back down at the cards, trying to concentrate despite the annoying crunching coming from the other person. "Tension…self-sacrifice…uncertainty…and, stupidity. This is Millerna's fortune alright." She peeked up at Millerna, who was trying to tip the last of the crumbs into her mouth but instead got a face-full of cheesy powder.

"So, what's it say?" Millerna asked with a burp, crumpling up the bag and chucking it over her shoulder. Hitomi started in surprise.

"Oh! Er, it says you're worried! Worried about your marriage, because it's so sudden! And you've also got a crush on the new guard-"

"Okay, skip over that part!" Millerna interrupted quickly, casting nervous glances to and fro while blushing a bit. Hitomi shrugged but complied.

"Ace of birds…five of fish…five of beasts…devil. Mmm-hmm, this is _definitely_ Millerna. Hmm…" She chewed the inside of her cheek, thinking. "Damn, if she gets married to Allen, she'll know deep sadness. Crap! How can I stick her with him _now_?"

"Hitomi?" Millerna asked curiously.

"No I was not just contemplating letting you suffer for all eternity at the cost of my own happiness!" Hitomi blurted out.

"Huh?" Millerna cocked her head to the side. "I was just gonna ask if you wanted one. But only one!" She held out a newly opened back of Cheetos.

"Oh. Alright." Hitomi took one and munched on it. "Well, there may be many small difficulties in your married life, but, uh…come on, Hitomi, think up a good lie already!" She drew another card from the stack and flipped it over. "The lovers?" An image of Millerna and Dryden snuggling suddenly invaded her mine. "Oh, EFF!" Hitomi dropped her cards in shock.

"What's wrong, Hitomi?!" Millerna gasped. "Is my future so awesomely good that you've become insanely jealous? Or am I gonna get a zit? Oh my gosh, I'm getting a break out, aren't I?!"

"Aaah!" Hitomi snapped back to the present, shaking her head. A cold sweat covered her temples as she glanced down at the lone card in her hand. "The tower card? So…this means that Allen and Millerna getting together is…_wrong_? No! Dammit, no! I can't live like this! I have no choice! I have to…"

Hitomi began panicking as she looked down at the floor and froze. A single card had flipped over as it had fallen and was presenting itself to her.

"The emperor…the sign of good fortune…if I can guide _that_ card, maybe I can draw that kind of future into place. Right! If I can use the power of my will, I _know_ I can call up a better future. Right, Bob?" She turned to looked at Bob, the bastard Unseen Force who was an even bigger jerk than all the rest.

"That's right!" Bob assured with an evil chuckle.

"What…what was with that evil chuckle?" Hitomi asked suspiciously.

"What evil chuckle?" Bob asked innocently.

"Just now!"

"Look, girlie! You wanna get molestered by Allen or _what_?"

Hitomi blinked rapidly, then glanced at Millerna.

"Sorry, Milly," she thought sadly, "but no way can I leave Allen single. I know that if I wish hard enough, I can change your destiny!" Picking up the Emperor card, she placed it over the Tower card and began to pray. Htomi's pink pendant, hovering just above the two cards she held in her hands, exploded with dazzling pink light.

"Whoa! What was that?!" Millerna asked after the light had faded away.

"You doom- er, your misfortune- uh, I mean, this card here means the wedding between you and Dryden is wrong." Hitomi sputtered. "You should marry Allen instead!"

"R-really?!" Millerna grasped the tabletop in excitement, leaning forward. "Hot DAWG, I've hit the jackpot!" In celebration, she heaved the table up and threw it across the room. I _told_ you she was crazy.

-Wedding Tiiiiiime!-

The day of the wedding had finally come! The sun shone brilliantly down onto the excited people of Austuria, who all stood crowded at the sides of a wide canal holding flowers, awaiting their Princess's arrival. Fox-people, bull-people, cat-people, and humans all whispered to one another (and edged away nervously from the animal people who were licking themselves to make sure they were presentable), creating a stir. Flowers also floated in the calm blue waterway as a small boat carrying Millerna in full wedding raiment sliced its way toward the wedding hall. The citizens couldn't help but giggle when they saw that the side of the boat occupied by Millerna had sunk quite low in the water, leaving the other end tipping upward at a dangerous angle.

"So I put on a little weight, what's the big _deal_?!" Millerna hollered at the crowd, blushing. "It's just _fluff_! Hey, you! Hurry the hell up! Make the boat go faster!" She smacked the driver behind her viciously in her bad temper. The wedding dress she wore was a far cry from the previous, modest gown seen earlier, as Millerna had taken a pair of scissors to the dress and chopped a few feet off the skirt, long sleeves, and top. _Geeez_. "Jealous?" Millerna raised an eyebrow at the camera in a challenge. And no, I am NOT.

Beside Millerna's boat was another vessel, this one carrying Dryden in his wedding clothes. Thankfully they were much more conservative than Millerna's. The handsome merchant's son wore his long brown hair down, a funny floppy blue hat perched atop his head with a red feather jutting from it, and a voluminous blue robe with large sleeves. He had even shaved! For the sake of trying to look more impressive, Dryden had gone without his small rounded glasses, which proved to be a fatal mistake. He couldn't see a damn thing. He only hoped he was facing the right way as the procession went on, the two boats passing under a bridge and finally arriving at the marriage hall.

Far away on the rooftop of the barn-windmill thing, Van sat quietly, not at all interested in the marriage and instead feeling a little blue. Merle tried to cheer him up by cuddling, but that only pissed Van off even more so he shoved her off the building. Go, Van! Hooray!

At the marriage hall, Austurian Guymelefs still lined the walls, and knights standing before them straightened as Dryden and Millerna's boats came to a stop at some steps which led up to dry land. There was a loud squawk and a splash as Millerna's boat tipped over when she tried to get out and instead got a dip in the river. Let's hope it's clean!

"Don't worry, Milly-baby! I'll help ya!" Dryden called out, then promptly walked into a wall.

"Oh dear _Lord_…" King Aston hid his face shamefully in his hands rather than watch his dimwitted daughter flounder around in the water like a drowning bird, and his soon to be son-in-law doing no better as he stumbled around, arms outstretched, blindly searching for Millerna. He bumped into one of the knights lining the marriage hall and hugged him lovingly, thinking it was his bride, while the man struggled and tried not to break him composure at the same time. Princess Eries, standing beside her seated father on the balcony, watched the scene completely unfazed. Hell, she'd been _expecting_ something like this to happen sooner or later.

The bride and groom had finally recovered and were now walking down the carpet with what little dignity they still had intact, followed by flower maidens and the like. Allen was one of the knights standing in line with the others and so made faces at Dryden as he passed by. Too bad for him Dryden couldn't see squat and so had no idea he was mocking him.

All the assembled knights stepped forward and drew their swords in praise for the bride and groom, and the scene would have actually been quite touching if Allen had not tried to skewer Dryden from behind with his own blade, but was stopped by the other knights, who were forced to tackle him from all sides and hold him back.

Hitomi watched the ridiculous spectacle from the crowd, where she was crammed on the bleachers between a stinky Pyle and a sobbing Reeden.

"I a-always c-cry at w-w-w-weddings!" Reeden sputtered, blowing his nose with a loud honk into his handkerchief.

"What'd I say about doin' that?!" Gaddess barked, smacking him on the back of the head. Hitomi ignored them, and instead looked down at the card she held in her hand. It was the Emperor card, and she gazed at it worriedly.

"Millerna," she thought to herself, "I want you to have all the luck in the world. I want-"

"Hey there, girlie!" Kio rudely interrupted as he leaned over her shoulder curiously. "Whaddaya have there? One of those teenage romance novels?"

"Shut up, you're ruining my moment of internal conflict!" Hitomi barked, pushing him away.

"Internal conflict?" Gaddess also leaned closer from behind her. "I've had my share of those. Like whether or not to commit mass murder!"

There was an awkward silence, which ended with everyone cautiously inching away from the mentally unstable man.

"Oh, _come on_!" Gaddess huffed. "Like no-one _else_ has ever contemplated it!"

"Uh, NO," Hitomi stated, "now would you guys just leave me ALONE?!"

Dryden and Millerna had finished walking up the red carpet and arrived at the altar, where two priests and a cardinal in red robes awaited them. Dryden was pointing in the wrong direction, so Millerna quickly spun him around the right way. The two knelt before the holy men, who eyed Millerna's scandalously exposed bosom and crossed themselves. The cardinal lifted his golden staff and placed it gently on their shoulders as the bride and groom bowed their heads in reverence.

"Ye wise children of Austuria," the cardinal intoned, "a land blessed with rich wind and water, and embraced by both the sun and the moons-"

"And one HELL of an apple pie!" One foolish spectator called out. The cardinal narrowed his eyes dangerously.

"I condemn thee to the fiery pits of hell."

Immediately the ground beneath the fool cracked open and pillars of fire shot out, wrapping around the unfortunate man and dragging him downward, the ground crashing shut after him. Everyone else in the audience clamped their mouths shut as tightly as possible as the cardinal turned back to the bride and groom.

"This day bears witness to a blessed event," he continued as though nothing had happened. "This new age!" From a great tower in the heart of the city, a large bell began tolling.

-On a Floating Jellyfish Somewhere-

A Zaibach Floating Jellyfish flew through the clouds, its cloaking device activating so the large contraption disappeared from sight in a matter of seconds.

"The probability graph is stabilizing…" Dornkirk muttered to himself over the screen, "due to the separation of the girl and the loser Dragon. This is the perfect opportunity to capture Hitomi Kanzaki, the girl with the fine-ass legs! We will _finally_ have the Big Boss Key! With it we can enter the Boss's layer and slay it! Wheee!"

"Sir, _please_ put the wii-mote down," Folken sighed, speaking to Dornkirk in that same small dark room they always do.

"But I'm almost done this _Dungeooooon_!" Dornkirk whined. "I don't _wanna_ use that freakish Ooccoo again, she scares the crap outta me! _Literally_! Here, watch!" He shifted his position and scrunched up his face, straining.

"Sir, that is REALLY not necessary," Folken intervened quickly. "And Hitomi is the key to the Alteration of Fate. Get it right. And what if there's further influence from the Dragon?"

"There'd better not be!" Dornkirk threatened. "Should that happen, use your Master Sword and _eliminate_ him!" He turned from Folken and looked at his game screen. He'd just unlocked the Boss's layer, and a huge Dragon Boss towered before Link. "_Well, well_. Speak of the devil." He muttered as he faded from view.

Folken sighed with relief as the screen went black. Nariya and Eriya, who kneeled at either side of him, lifted their heads.

"There's nothing to worry about, Lord Folken," Nariya assured.

"Our luck has now become invincible," Eriya agreed. "We'll surely capture Hitomi, dear Lord Folken, and prove that our legs are _much_ finer than hers!"

"Not like I CARE." Folken muttered, popping another aspirin as he felt a major headache coming on.

Deep in the Zaibach factory of…er, Zaibach, something began glowing golden. Uh-oh! Nariya and Eriya's veins, filled with the modified Fortune Blood (and NOT pee), glowed in response, as did the Escaflowne's own pink Energist!

-Aaaand Back to Austuria-

"Urgh…heartburn…" The Escaflowne grumbled, coughing. Suddenly, its chest cavity popped open for no apparent reason.

"Hey, what's that?" Merle's cat-like sixth sense had picked up on some disturbance in the area, and she used her devilish black arts to heal her broken body and get up from the small crater she'd created when she came tumbling down from the roof.

Hitomi gasped aloud, a vision of Allen and Millerna smoochin' appearing in her mind's eye for a split second. Following the image were various scenes of death and dismemberment, involving a destroyed Austurian city and a crumbling tower, just like her Tarot card!

"Damn, and I was weeks clean, too!" Hitomi groaned, her head clearing. "Now I have to go back to VA, Visions Anonymous! Stupid rehab! I _knew_ it wouldn't work! Oh, wait. Crap! It's just like my first reading said!"

A sudden loud cheer from the crowd caused her to jerk and look up in surprise. Millerna had abandoned Dryden's side and was now galloping down the red carpet in the direction of Allen.

"The hell's she doing?" Oruto asked, a confused look on his scarred face.

"Runaway bride!" Pyle laughed.

Hitomi gasped as she once again saw the vision of imminent destruction. She stood up, oblivious to the protests of the others in the crowd.

"What's wrong, girlie?" Kio asked. "You gotta go?"

"Damn right I do! I gotta stop her!" Hitomi began shoving her way through the crowd, intent on halting Millerna's progress. "I can't let her kiss Allen! It'll be the end of everything!"

Van stood up on the roof of the windmill as a pink laser thing shot from the Escaflowne's Energist and into the sky above the city.

"Ooh! A light show!" Van squealed in glee, whipping out a bucket of popcorn and sitting down comfortably. The beam went on through the sky until it hit the Floating Jellyfish that had been hovering right above the city, invisible! Luckily the pink beam of light disengaged their cloaking device, so the entire vessel became visible.

"Hey!" Van jumped up again. "That's my _brother's_ Floating Jellyfish!" There was no mistaking it. A large license plate bolted onto the back read 'Van sux'. From the Jellyfish, the two cat-sisters took off in their sexy melefs, zooming from it in flight mode.

"Damn, they've spotted us!" Eriya spat, looking back at the Floating Jellyfish.

"Forget it," Nariya snapped. "That stupid Dragon just showed us its location all by itself. It must _really_ want an ass whuppin'."

"Dammit, how do I turn this stupid thing OFF?!" The Escaflowne howled, the pink laser still shooting from its Energist. Van hopped around the melef, panic setting in.

"Turn it off, turn it off!" He wailed. "Hurry, before they come kill us!"

"Shut up, idiot! I'm trying!"

"_Stoooooooop_!" Hitomi screamed, having finally reached the red carpet and dashing toward Millerna, who was closing in on Allen with frightening speed.

"Allen, baby!" She cooed. "I love ya! Marry me!"

"Urgh…" Allen backed away, unsure what to do. "Hitomi, save me!"

"No! Don't kiss!" Hitomi cried.

Bob suddenly popped up beside her and stuck his foot out like the little bastard he was. Hitomi tripped and fell to the ground in slow-motion, eyes glued to Millerna, who held a struggling Allen with a vice-like grip. Puckering up her lips, she pulled the Knight of Kaeli closer…and then kissed him. Uh, oh. That's not good.

"Shoot! Now what'll happen, the sun will implode?!" Hitomi hissed, fortunately unhurt and rising to her knees. The sky above immediately went dark. "I just HAD to ask." She looked up and saw that a huge Floating Jellyfish was hovering right over her, blocking out the sun with its huge girth and making a large eerily glowing ring around it.

"Hmm? What's that?" Millerna asked wonderingly, holding a kissed-to-death Allen, who was limp and unresponsive at the moment (he was actually playing 'dead', a wise choice on his part).

"It's…the _ring_…" A creepy little girl with long, black hair and a dirty white dress croaked. Everyone stared at her, paralyzed with fear.

"Cindy, get back over here this _instant_, or no Spongebob for a _month_!" A woman scolded.

"Aww, _mom_!" The little girl sighed and trudged over to her mother.

"What's going on?! What's happening?!" Dryden demanded to know, as he couldn't see a damn thing without his glasses. This was also the reason why he now held the cardinal in his arms and had kissed him several moments earlier, thinking it was his lovely bride.

"It's an ill omen…" the cardinal whispered, staring up at the sky in awe.

"My, what a deep and manly voice you've developed, Milly," Dryden commented. "And your face seems a whole lot more _stubbly_ than before." He paused for a moment. "You're not Millerna, are you."

"No, sorry. But here's my number." The holy man winked and slid a scrap of paper into Dryden's shirt pocket. Dryden resolved to not only burn the scrap of paper but also this memory from his subconscious.

One of the sexy Guymelefs housing a cat-girl zoomed above the crowd, then stopped and hovered above them, menacingly. The dark Energist nestled in its stomach cavity flickered alight with a sinister glow.

"What's going on?!" A nobleman asked in panic. "And why is that melef so irresistibly _sexy_?!"

"It's an enemy attack!" A soldier screamed (uh, DUH).

"_Enemy attack_?!" Allen jerked upright, the act he'd been putting on coming to an end the moment his life was threatened. "Oh, no! It's Zaibach! _Hide_ me!" Eyes wide with fear, he dove for Millerna's dress (or what was left of it) and attempted to hide himself there.

"Not until the wedding night, you fool!" Millerna stated firmly, shoving him back.

Dryden, meanwhile, had snatched someone's glasses away so he could actually see something, and having caught sight of Millerna, dashed over to her and scooped her up, intent on bringing her to a safe place and scoring some major brownie points with her.

"Zaibach is attacking?!" King Aston gasped in disbelief. "But…but he said he _loved_ me! That bastard just _used_ me!" He burst into tears as his attendants quickly heaved him up and tried to bring him to safety.

Austurian Guymelefs equipped with huge shoulder bow-guns (frickin' sweet, man!) came forward to try and shoot at the enemy, who still hovered above the crowd. Back on the Floating Jellyfish, Folken switched on a screen and saw what looked like a bunch of little spermy things wiggling their way toward an egg of some kind.

"Okay, who the _hell_ switched our surveillance with a sex-ed tape?" He demanded angrily. "I bet it was that idiot Adelphos! _Ooh_, I'm gonna shave off his _moustache_ the next time I see him!" A man moved to adjust the screen. "I didn't say to stop it!"

"Uh, sir," the man coughed, "this isn't a sex-ed tape. It's showing how the Fortune Blood is affecting our enemies."

"_Really_?" Folken scrunched up his face and peered closer at the screen. They still looked like sperm. "Zaibach _really_ needs to get a better technology department."

Above the panicking crowd, Nariya's veins glowed gold for an instant, and Bob, getting the idea, moved over toward the attacking Austurian melefs and sliced the ropes of the bow guns before they could get any shots off. When another melef tried to attack, Bob whipped out a bat and smashed it in the kneecap.

"Malfunction?! No! Now I can't run away!" Allen punched Sherry in anger. His Guymelef wasn't working for some strange reason. The sky, which had been beautiful just minutes ago, was now dark and cloudy with foreboding. A bolt of lightning came shooting down and hit a tower in the city, causing it to crumble.

"Okay! I _get_ it already!" Hitomi hollered aloud. "I was _wrong_ to mess with destiny! Rub it in, why don't you?! _Sniffle_!"

"Sorry, sweetie…" the thunderbolt apologized, feeling a bit guilty. From the crumbling tower, debris fell on the crowd below, crushing the cardinal and others along with him. Dryden courageously threw Millerna down and covered her with his body to protect her. Too bad she was too _stupid_ to notice.

"Watch the dress, moron!" She barked.

"I'm saving your _life_ here!" He shot back.

"And if you wanna keep _yours_, don't ruin my dress!"

Nariya chuckled at the destruction and chaos below her, the veins in her face still glowing golden.

At the distant windmill-barn, the Escaflowne, Dragon-mode, leapt from the rooftop and took to the skies. The pilot and melef had a disagreement with their desired direction.

"Left! I said left, dammit! Head for the hills, man!" Van growled, wrestling with the reins.

"We're going to _help_!" The Escaflowne barked back at him. "If you don't like it, you can get the _fudge_ off!" This shut Van up quick and he sat down very politely to wait.

"Long time no see, Esca!" Eriya laughed, zooming up from behind.

"Eeeeek!" Van squealed in fright and clutched the reins.

"Not you again!" The Escaflowne snarled.

"Sorry, but I can't let you get near Hitomi!" Eriya explained, moving in.

"What? Hitomi?" Van asked, eyeing tearing up and lower lip trembling. "Uh…buh… _waaaaaaaaaaaah_!!!" He burst into tears and began sobbing like a three-year old.

"Aw, look what you just _did_!" The Escaflowne was not pleased. "And just when he'd _finally_ shut up, too!"

"Uh…sorry?" Eriya felt a bit bad. "No, wait! What do I care? Die!" Lifting an arm, she shot several Crima Claw bullets at Esca, who barely managed to duck down and dodge them. The melef quickly unsheathed its blade and, rising back up, slipped behind the enemy unit and grabbed hold of it with its back legs, lifting its sword as it did so.

"Time to de-claw you, kitty cat!" It declared.

"That was so lame," Eriya gagged, "it was _painful_."

"Yes. Yes it was." The Escaflowne admitted. "But then again, this will be too! Hold still!" As it swung its sword down, something went wrong and the Escaflowne's arms began going haywire. Even its back legs let go of its prey.

"What the heck are you doing, Esca?!" Van yelped as he grabbed hold of his seat so he didn't fall off. "You had her!"

"_Eeeeaaargh_!" The Escaflowne howled in pain. "Arm…like…_noodles_!" Its green shoulder gems suddenly went black, and the melef and its pilot dropped like a stone.

"Aiiieeeeeee!" Van clung to the Escaflowne, having long since past wet himself. Eriya watched with glee as the melef disappeared from sight.

Back at the destroyed wedding hall, Hitomi huddled among the debris, too scared to move. She had no idea what the Unseen Forces had in store for her, nor did she really want to know. Maybe if she just stayed still, they would forget about her. Maybe-

"Hey, Hitomi!" A voice called out.

"Damn." Hitomi poked her head up through the rubble and looked out. Stumbling toward her were Millerna and Dryden, who was leaning heavily on the Princess, his face covered with blood. "Oh my GOD!" Hitomi gasped and hurried over. "What happened? Is he alright?! Those heartless bastards!"

"Actually," Dryden whimpered weakly, "SHE'S the one who did this to me." Hitomi frowned and regarded Millerna.

"He shouldn't have torn my skirt!" She sniffed. Hitomi rolled her eyes and stepped forward to help support Dryden, while Millerna simply let go and dumped him on her. Staggering under the man's weight, Hitomi was barely able to drag him to a safer place among the ruins of the marriage hall. She gently laid him down and looked at his wounds.

"We need some bandages…" she murmured, looking around for anything suitable.

"Oh, don't worry." Millerna winked. "I _got_ this! Whoooo!" She sang and wiggled as she ripped even more of her dress into shreds for Dryden's bandages.

"I thought you said to _not_ ruin the dress?" Dryden asked, raising his head a little from the ground.

"I meant YOU. It's soooo much funner when _I_ get to!" She ripped off another piece. "Now, hold still. I'm a doctor and can-"

"NO! For the love of God, NO!" Hitomi interrupted, face pale. Dryden and Millerna stared at her in shock. "Er…I mean, no! You're tired, Millerna, you should rest! Here, I'll do it!" She quickly pushed the Princess aside and took over.

"O…kay…" Millerna said slowly, sitting back in confusion. Dryden had no idea his life had just been saved. A distant crash was heard, and Hitomi didn't even have to look behind her.

"That'd be Van," she thought, and indeed, several seconds later, Van came crashing into view, riding on the still Dragon-mode Escaflowne. "Bingo."

"Help, he's going nuts!" Van wailed, holding onto the reins of the Escaflowne for dear life. He yanked out his cowboy hat and began riding the thrashing and bucking Guymelef. "Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy!"

"Van? Oh thank GOD!" Allen, hiding with his crewmembers in another pile of debris, caught sight of Van as he struggled to get the Esca under control. Allen was relieved the hero of the story had finally arrived, as now _he_ could take care of everything. And hopefully die while he was at it.

The Escaflowne was still wriggling like a worm when the two sexy cat sisters in their sexy melefs crashed down on either side of it, trapping Van. They raised their paws over the melef's twitching body, and used their power of luck to switch off the Esca's Energist and make it collapse.

"What's going ON?!" Van cried. "Do they know my pin number or something?!"

"No! Van!" Allen gasped in horror. Now that Van was out of the picture, everyone would expect _him_ to do something heroic and most probably life-threatening to save the day. Oh, woe be the man who was as pretty a knight as him! …Did I just write that?

"Test, test." A familiar voice spoke through a loudspeaker from the Floating Jellyfish that could be heard throughout the entire city. "Testing. Hello? Is this thing working? _Helloooo_? Dammit, I can't tell if this thing is on or not." Folken began grumbling moodily.

"Here, here. Give it here!" Dornkirk's voice could also be heard. A few seconds later a huge farting sound reverberated through the city, making everyone either look disgusted or burst out laughing.

"Dornkirk, go play your effing game and stop _ruining_ my life!" Folken hollered, snatching back the loudspeaker.

"Whaaat? Look, you know it's on now, don'tcha?"

"Oh, yeah, you've been a BIG help. Now go away!" Folken muttered some choice swears through the speaker, which everyone could hear, then cleared his throat. "Attention, people of Austuria! We are the Zaibach Intensified-Luck soldiers!" At this the remaining people of Austuria began giggling uncontrollably. "What the _hell_ is so funny?! Why does everyone _laugh_ at that?! Stop laughing, or so help me…!"

"Hey!" Van looked up from the unconscious body of the Escaflowne. "That's my stupid brother's voice!"

"Intensified-Luck soldiers?" Hitomi repeated through her laughter. "Wait…luck? Oh, shiz-nit!" She pulled out her Emperor Tarot card from her pocket. "Don't tell me this card…"

"That's right, toots!" The Emperor card laughed and winked. "You'd better believe that this is all _your_ fault!"

"Oh, no!" Hitomi thought. "It's because I switched one destiny for another!"

"We have but one demand," Folken said over the intercom.

"You are NOT getting my hair gel, you sick bastards!" Allen shrieked, but was quickly silenced when his own crewmembers tackled him and kept him down in a dog-pile. Pyle jumped on last, and a satisfying _crunch_ could be heard. Owwie.

"We don't want your stinking hair gel!" Folken exploded. "What we _want_ is Hitomi Kanzaki, the girl from the Messed-up Moon. Get out here with your hands up, girl!"

"What are you, in a western?!" Van spat.

"_You're_ one to talk, shrimpy!" Folken shot back. Van blushed and hid his cowboy hat behind his back. "If you wish to avoid further misfortune, hand over Hitomi Kanzaki at once, or we'll burn your city to the ground. And then take humiliating pictures of it and post them on Myspace."

"Okay, NOW you sound like Dilandau!" Van retorted, being a sore loser.

"THAT one was below the belt." Folken returned, sounding a bit hurt.

"Yeah, you're right. Sorry." Van sighed. "I still hate you, though."

"It's for the best!" Millerna declared, taking hold of Hitomi by the arm and yanking her toward the enemy. "Hey, you guys! Yoo-hoo! She's over _heeere_!"

"No, don't!" Dryden started to rise, desperation making him ignore his pain. "Please, stay here! Don't leave me with…HER!"

"He obviously isn't himself!" Millerna kicked him back down and held him there with a foot on his chest. "Come on, let's go, Hitomi!"

"Wait! I understand!" Hitomi realized. "It's all because I told Millerna a false fortune!"

"What?" Millerna froze. "What are you talking about?" Hitomi stepped away from Millerna and couldn't meet her eyes, so instead stared dismally at a broken column.

"The cards _really_ told me your wedding would be wonderful," she said softly.

"Huh?" Millerna made a face.

"But I didn't want you to marry Dryden and leave me at the Allen's mercy, so I tried to change your destiny. Why did I ever do it? I could have just kicked Allen in the balls, but I can't with _this_! Mmph…" Tears sprang to her eyes as Hitomi regretted what she'd done.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Millerna's brain wasn't capable of processing that much information at once. "What are you _saying_? Allen and I are meant to be, aren't we? _Aren't we_?" She took a dangerous step toward Hitomi, who didn't notice because her back was turned.

"Millerna, the perfect man for you is Dryden," Hitomi admitted. "If you marry Allen, you'll only be miserable. I'm sorry, but it's true. I hated him, and didn't want to have to put up with his constant horniness, so…I'm sorry, and I know it was the wrong thing to do. I changed the results! Changed one destiny or another! And…and I spit in your tea after you called me a skank. I'm so, so sorry!" Hitomi hid her face in her hands, ashamed of herself.

"You did _what_?!" Millerna gasped, shocked. "I can't believe you…spit in my _tea_! How evil!"

"This is all my fault! _All_ of it!" Hitomi stood up and without pause ran from their shelter into the open.

"No, wait!" Millerna started to follow. "_I'm_ the one who's supposed to turn you in! It's not _right_ this way! Damn it all! Oh, Dryden, hold me!" She flung herself on top of Dryden's broken body as he gurgled in pain.

Hitomi kept running, until she was right in front of the two sexy melefs of the cat-girl twins. Screeching to a halt, she threw her arms wide and faced them without fear.

"I'm the girl from the Messed-up Moon!" She declared loudly. Van and Allen gasped in surprise, Folken smirked, and Dornkirk squealed with glee and ogled her legs through his telescope. "And my name is Hitomi Kanzaki! If you want me, here I am!"

Nariya and Eriya slowly turned to regard the small girl standing before them.

"_Damn_…" they gulped, "she _does_ have fine-ass legs…"

-Episode 20 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Hmm, for some reason this episode seems to have a whole lot of fart jokes. Oh, well. You can never have too many, right? I sure hope so, anyway. Hope you liked it! More to come! Review, please!


	21. Episode 21: Retardaction of Fortune

Author's Note: Oh, boy! The next one! It was really weird when I did this one because my funny kept fluctuating like crazy, so some parts are hilarious and others are just so-so. Well, I still hope you enjoy it! Review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 21

Re(tard)action of Fortune

Recap: Hitomi manages to recover from the trauma of kissing Allen (_eugh_), and now Van is all lonely and depressed, the poor, stupid thing. Elsewhere in Zaibach, the sexy cat-twins fence, then lay on each other seductively for some strange reason (uh, fan service?), reliving their younger days when they first met their beloved Lord Folken. And yes, they thought he was a vampire at first. Folken interrupts the girls' flashback and tells them of his plan to make them even more lucky. It called lottery tickets, people! _Whoo_! Millerna fusses about her upcoming wedding while Nariya and Eriya undergo plastic surgery by having their veins drained of blood and replaced with pee- er, Fortune Blood or whatever it's called. Millerna consults Hitomi about her worries (she's put on a few pounds) and wheedles her into doing a reading for her, and what Millerna wants, she gets. Hitomi does it to get her off her back, and the signs aren't good. Dryden is the man for Milly, leaving Hitomi at Allen's mercy. This prompts our psychic heroine to try and change that fortune to another, more Allen-less one. Finally the day of the wedding arrives, with Millerna and Dryden both flubbing up several times during the ceremony, and Hitomi realizing she'd made a big mistake. The cat-twins set out in their sexy melefs to make sure Van stays away from Hitomi (just get a restraining order, duh!), and Millerna suddenly pounces on Allen, trying to kiss him! Hitomi knows the world will end if they do and so tries to stop them, but isn't fast enough. They kiss, and the crap hits the fan, with a sexy melef appearing and wreaking havoc on the city. Hitomi sees all the destruction around her that is _her_ fault and so decides to give herself up. Don't, Hitomi! Just shove Millerna out there, they'll never know!

Hitomi stood before the two sexy melefs, arms spread wide and knees knocking with fear. In the sky above her, the Floating Jellyfish with Folken in it still eclipsed the sun, setting the ominous tone and making the beach-comers groan in disappointment. Go get cancer somewhere else! _Throws empty can at them_. They thankfully gathered up their blankets and coolers and moved on.

Nariya and Eriya turned slowly toward Hitomi, their melef's eyes glowing a sinister red. Hitomi gulped.

"Er…I am beginning to think that I may have been a bit _foolish_…" Hitomi began losing her nerve, but who wouldn't? Those melefs were damn _sexay_!

"This girl's the one, no doubt about it!" Eriya purred.

"_Definitely_, just look at her legs!" Nariya agreed. "Let's head back. Lord Folken will be so pleased, he'll buy us a _mountain_ of catnip!"

"_Sweeeeet_!" They sang together. Eriya raised an arm and went to shoot a Crima Claw at the trembling psychic girl, but missed by a mile and instead speared a civilian. Don't worry, he wasn't a main or minor character, so it's not like it mattered or anything.

"Yeah, I know!" The unknown man agreed whilst in his death-throes. "I'm not even _named_!" Then he keeled over, dead.

"Oops." Eriya blushed. "S-sorry, man!"

"You really need to work on your aim, sister," Nariya chided.

"Shut up, I already _know_ that!" Eriya hissed back. "If you're so good at it, _you_ do it!"

"Fine!" Nariya snapped.

"Fine!" Eriya retorted.

"_Mraaawr_!"

"_Ffffft_!"

The two began hissing and scratching at each other, squabbling like, well, like the Escaflowne and Van did sometimes (all the time). Hitomi watched them, standing there awkwardly, her arms getting a bit tired from having to hold them up in the air like that.

"Uh, are you guys gonna capture me or what?" She finally asked.

"Oh, right." Nariya let go of Eriya's hair and Eriya retracted her claws from Nariya's shoulder. The silver-haired twin took charge and shot a Crima Claw at Hitomi expertly, scooping her up in its liquid metal strands where it held her securely.

"No!" Van practically screamed, "That's my psychic girl! She's my partner, and I can't be a hero without her! Give her _back_, you bastards!"

"No!" Allen shrieked. "Wait! I haven't slept with her yet! Come on, just give her back for like, five minutes, then you can have her!"

"Hey! This fic is only rated _teen_, so keep it toned down, will ya?!" Gaddess bonked him on the head to quiet him.

"Hooray!" Millerna cheered, clapping her hands together with glee. "My competition is finally gone! And good riddance, too! _Hug_ me, Dryden!" She threw herself on the injured man, who groaned in despair now that he was left alone in a world of idiots where Millerna and Allen were king and queen.

Hitomi, now clutched in the melef's strong grasp, wasn't much enjoying her newest vantage point.

"Urgh! T-t-tight! Can't breath!" Hitomi gasped for breath, getting several terrifying flashbacks of when Van first attempted to hold her with the Escaflowne. These guys weren't much better.

"Don't worry," Nariya consoled her, "we've practiced holding people before. With watermelons!"

"I wonder if she'll make fruit juice if you squeeze her, too?" Eriya wondered.

"People are NOT watermelons!" Hitomi bellowed at them.

"Hitomi! Hold on, I'm coming!" Van called out courageously. He then promptly ran in the opposite direction.

"_That_ way! She's over _there_, retard!" Members of the survivors barked. Van stopped and whimpered softly.

"Do I _have_ to?" He asked.

"_Yes_." The people said firmly.

"Stupid hero's contract." Van grumbled, turning around and rushing the two cat-twins with sword drawn. Hitomi's eyes widened. She knew just how awful Van was at swordplay, as she'd been there herself to witness the atrocity against all swordsmen. She immediately cowered in fear and clutched at Nariya's melef, whimpering in terror.

"Eek! No! Don't let him hurt me, mommy!" She cried piteously.

"Uh…okay." Nariya easily kicked Van away, sending him crashing into the side of a building, which then exploded. She and Hitomi stared in dumb-founded silence at the fiery destruction. "Was that…normal?"

"I…don't know." Hitomi blinked rapidly, wondering what was going on.

"Fool! That was just his _stunt double_!" Eriya warned. Hitomi gasped. That would explain the grand explosion and following demolition. She glanced down to see Van jumping up onto the Melefs knee, then kicking off from there and leaping straight for Hitomi.

"_Nooooo_!" Hitomi shrieked, her eyes closing and arms coming up instinctively to protect herself.

-Meanwhile, In Zaibach-

Back in Zaibach, Emperor Dornkirk's large globey thing was on the fritz again, lighting with an unearthly glow that nearly blinded the occupants of the room. Dornkirk sat in his large throne-wheelchair, with tool-guru Bob Villa at his side.

"You see what I _mean_, Bob?" Dornkirk demanded, gesturing at the brightly lit globe hanging above them. "It does this _all_ the time! Can you do anything about it?"

"Hmm…" Bob rubbed his beard and narrowed his eyes. "I see what you mean, your dimmer switches _are_ defective. But don't worry, I can fix it…with my all new thirty-in-one handy-dandy home improvement kit, just ten easy payments of $19.99!" He smiled charmingly at the camera, his pearly white teeth glinting with a loud _ding_!

"Ten payments of $19.99?!!" Dornkirk sputtered. "Are you freakin' kidding me?! That's, like…" He began muttering to himself, counting on his fingers as he did the math. "A _gazillion_ dollars! It's _ridiculous_! It's _insane_! It's _preposterous_! I'll _TAKE_ it!" He punctuated his last sentence by loudly slapping a hand on the arm of his chair.

"Sir!" An attendant interrupted. "When the globe glows like that, it means the loser Dragon and the girl from the Messed-up Moon are becoming close again." The Emperor stared at him for several long seconds, waiting expectantly.

"_Aaaand_?" Dornkirk asked after a moment.

"And that's _bad_." The attendant finished.

"Oh." Dornkirk pursed his lips. "_SON_ of a-"

-Back to Austuria!-

"Someone tell me what the hell's going on!" Folken ordered, pacing around angrily in the control room of Floating Jellyfish that was currently hovering over the city.

"Er, there's something wrong with the Luck Intensifier!" A soldier nervously reported.

"What?!" Folken stormed down to the lower deck and ground to a halt at the wall. "Okay, who the _fudge_ unplugged the Luck Intensifier so they could use the damn microwave?!"

"That was _you_, sir." The same soldier said quietly.

"…So it was." Folken chewed on his lip for an instant, then rounded on the man. "Ya wanna make somethin' of it, punk?!"

Down below, Van was just about to (accidentally) chop off Hitomi's head with his unsheathed blade as he leapt for her, and Hitomi wasn't too keen on getting decapitated by a doofus.

"_Savemesavemesavemeeee_!" She squealed, praying to every god she'd ever heard of to save her and strike Van down with holy lightning.

"Alright, girlie! Just calm down!" Eriya batted the boy-King away before he could cause the psychic girl any physical harm. He slammed into the ground and didn't move.

"You sure it's the right one this time?" Nariya asked.

"Yeah," Eriya nodded. "There wasn't any explosion this time around."

Van, groaning in pain, managed to heave himself back up and face the two girls, stubborn determination burning in his eyes. Hitomi was almost touched.

"Eriya!" Nariya said suddenly. "Grab him!"

"Good idea, sis!" Eriya laughed. "It'll make Lord Folken happy!"

"Uh, oh." If Hitomi had any inclination due to the sharp pain of her crushed ribs, she'd have to say that Van was in trouble. "Run, Van! Ruuuuuuun! Don't let them catch you!"

High up above the group, the Floating Jellyfish suddenly shifted and moved to the side, no longer blocking the sun and its brilliant rays of light. With a sigh of relief, the beach-comers crowded back into the city and lay down on their towels to get a good dose of the melanoma.

"Yeeeeek! Sun in our eyes!" The two sisters yowled. Their Luck meters began fluctuating like crazy, and the veins in their faces glowed gold. "Ugh! We _knew_ it was pee!"

"No, it _wasn't_!" Folken hollered over the radio.

"Geez, what are they, albinos?" Van snorted in disdain now that it looked like he was winning. The two melefs were trembling, their pilots mewling in pain. Van wondered if he should take the opportunity and run like hell. "Naw, I still need Hitomi."

"Are…are you guys alright?" Hitomi asked uneasily, listening to the girls choke and cough. "Here, have a Sucretes!" She was in the act of giving them the cough-drop when the two sisters fell to their knees and dropped Hitomi, who fell screaming toward the ground.

"Here's my chance!" Van gasped. He darted forward, arms outstretched to catch Hitomi, when-

"_Ooooh_, inter-CEPTED!" Allen chortled, shoving Van to the side and taking his place. "What a looooose-"

_Wham_!

Hitomi landed right on him while he was in the middle of gloating.

"Owwie! My precious hair follicles!" Allen sniffled, his face buried in the pavement.

"Ouch, my butt! Oh, not again!" Hitomi whimpered, rubbing her aching backside. Then she realized who she'd landed on. "Aw, man! Not you, Allen!"

"Uuugh! Sister, help me! I feel sick!" Eriya groaned.

"Me, too!" Nariya gurgled back. "It was a bad idea to eat those Lucky Charms before we left! _Ohhhh_! Quick, where's the nearest restroom?!"

"I _told_ you guys you didn't need to eat any!" Folken growled over the radio.

"But we just wanted to be _sure_!" The girls protested. "In case that really was p-"

"_Don't say it_!" Folken cut them off quite rudely. "It was _blood_! Fortune _Blood_! Get it right! Anyway, that's enough for now. Get back here!"

"Damn, we failed…" Nariya sighed.

"Sorry, Lord Folken…" Eriya apologized. They hopped up off the ground and quickly switched into flight mode, blasting upward with the help of their twin jet-packs. As the force of the blast hit Allen, Hitomi, and Van, the pervy Knight of course tried to catch a glimpse of Hitomi's panties.

"Too bad!" Hitomi said smugly, "I'm wearing shorts under!" She lifted her skirt, displaying cute white shorts covering her unmentionables.

"That is cruel and unusual punishment!" Allen huffed, disappointed.

"Actually, that's a _really_ smart idea," Van commented. Hitomi went pink with pleasure.

"Why, thank you!"

"Hey, back OFF!" Allen quickly maneuvered himself between the two before anything could happen.

Way up in the sky, Nariya and Eriya were making their escape. Suddenly, Nariya's Energist began to glow for some strange reason.

"Oh, crap!" She gasped, "My tank's on E!"

"Stupid, why didn't you fill up before we came?!" Eriya growled at her.

"Are you crazy?!" Nariya shot back. "Have you _seen_ those gas prices?!" Her melef began spewing black smoke and dropping in altitude.

"Sister!" Eriya called, her voice filled with worry.

"Just keep going!" Nariya cried as she fell. "Save yourself! One of us has to return to Lord Folken! He needs us to stay _sane_!"

"Well alright." Eriya zoomed off into the distance without a second thought.

"Hey, I didn't actually _mean_ it!" Nariya called after her. "You're supposed to say, 'Not without you!', or something like that, and come save me! Damn it all!" Her melef couldn't take it anymore and exploded into a brilliant fireball.

"Oooh! Fireworks!" Allen and Van oohed and ahhed at the explosion.

"Someone just _died_, you idiots!" Hitomi smacked both of them, still feeling a bit guilty for all that'd happened.

-Later-

The poor city of Palace had been rather badly beaten up. Its houses were smoking and crumbling, bridges were ruined, and fallen melefs lay on the ground here and there. In one corner of the town, several men admired Nariya's sexy melef, which they'd found crash-landed into a building. Perverts.

Allen wasn't helping the situation, what with his complaints and loud whining.

"Oh, _gawd_! Would you look at how dirty Sherry is?! And I just _washed_ her, too!" Everyone just ignored him for the most part.

Even the crewmembers of the Crusade were lending a slightly dirty helping hand! At the site of a burning building, Pyle and a few others were pumping the water for Gaddess, who aimed the hose to douse the hungry flames that was eating the house.

"No slacking off! Keep working!" Gaddess ordered loudly.

"Hey, this is hard work!" Pyle shouted back. "_You_ come do it!" Gaddess gave him a bland look, then sprayed him in the face.

"Anyone else?" He asked dangerously, swinging the nozzle of the hose around to everyone in turn. They all gulped and shook their heads. "Good. Now get back to work."

Other citizens helped the injured and wounded travel to a save place, offering their shoulders for support and stretchers, too. Under a nearby bridge, where it was nice and dark, a figure emerged from the waters and clambered onto the shore, gasping for breath.

"Gaaah! I frigging _hate_ water!" Nariya snarled, disgust clear in her eyes. Rising to all fours, she shook herself off like a dog and sighed with relief. "Guess I _was_ lucky, after all." She paused and looked at the setting sun. "Why the hell is my hair _golden_ in this scene? It's supposed to be _silver_, dammit!"

At the grand palace of, er, Palace, all the injured people were gathering so they could receive treatment there. Some lay on blankets, moaning in pain and being rather annoying, while others simply huddled against walls or close to one another. Even the teenagers from before were too depressed to have a dance off. Hitomi watched the sad scene…_sadly_.

"_Man_ I wish I had my happy pills," she sighed. She'd just run out of her anti-depressants the other day, and didn't know whether she'd be able to get some more or not. She suddenly felt a nudge on her shoulder, most undoubtedly the Unseen Forces reminding her of her crime. "Yes, yes! I know!" Hitomi waved at the air in annoyance. "It's all _my_ fault! You don't have to tell me twice!"

"No, it's not your fault." Dryden's voice answered. "And who the hell are you talking to?"

"Told you she was weird!" Millerna tittered. Hitomi whirled around to see the two standing together behind her. Dryden was wrapped up nicely in bandages, and looked a bit healthier than before.

"Hey, Hitomi," Dryden greeted. "I took your advice and went to go see a doctor." Hitomi stiffened. "A _real_ doctor." Hitomi relaxed. Milly hadn't been the one to treat him, thank goodness! "Listen, Zaibach would have attacked even if we'd taken your advice and stopped the wedding. I still find it a bit hard to believe, though…" he edged away from Millerna, who had a firm hold on his arm and cuddled with it. "Luckily the ceremony counted, so I've got the wedding night as my motivation to get better!" He winked suggestively.

"Glad to see he's improving," Hitomi thought wryly. "But it's still my fault," she said aloud.

"Yeah, you're absolutely right, Hitomi!" Millerna agreed, sauntering forward and facing the psychic girl.

"Oh, what now?" Hitomi thought.

"But it was because _I_ asked you to read my fortune, too," Millerna went on. "I'm sorry for annoying you until you gave in. I just don't know when to say no!"

"You can say that again," both Hitomi and Dryden thought to themselves.

"So, I'm sorry! Will you forgive me?!" Millerna pouted. "I'll give you one of my push-ups bras, though it probably won't do you any good!" Hitomi wasn't even listening to that last insult. Instead, she was staring at Millerna in stunned silence, completely in awe. Millerna was _apologizing_?! What was next? Allen would stop being horny, and Van would be brave? Nawww, that's probably too much to ask for.

"Okay, who are you and where is the _real_ Millerna?" Hitomi asked, eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Oh, I _love_ ya! Come here, you!" Millerna flung her arms around Hitomi and squeezed. It hurt.

"Awwwgh! Chest, being _crushed_!" Hitomi gasped as she swore she heard her ribs crack. "Precious…_orgaaaans_! Second…_time_ today!"

"What? Squeeze harder?" Millerna asked.

"NO!"

-On the Floating Jellyfish-

Night had finally fallen over the land of Gaea, bringing a sense of serenity and peace with it. Over a dark blue ocean, a Floating Jellyfish hovered among the starry night sky and two large moons.

"Will you guys get out of my _way_?!" Vincent Van Gogh complained, the large, bulky Jellyfish blocking his view of the starry night sky behind it. "I'm trying to _paint_ here! Oh, _forget_ it!" He threw down his paintbrush and paints, kicked over his easel, then stomped moodily away to cut off his ear and mail it to his girlfriend. Art in its finest. Or funniest, I'm not too sure.

"Frigging weirdo…" the Floating Jellyfish muttered to itself, then remembered it wasn't supposed to be able to talk and so shut up. Inside the Jellyfish, a good many things were happening…

"Ugh! Sick…as a _dog_! Gonna vomit…" Eriya was doubled over a toilet, fighting back waves of nausea and trying her hardest not to lose her lunch. Folken suddenly rushed in, a look of excitement on his face as he held up a pregnancy test stick-thing.

"It's blue! It's blue! I'm a father!" He declared happily.

"We've never done more than _kiss_, Lord Folken," Eriya reminded him, then clapped a hand over her mouth and moaned.

"So…" Folken slumped in disappointment. "No little Folken's running around and making Dornkirk's life miserable?"

"NO."

"Dang it." Folken kicked at the floor dismally. "Wait, then whose _is_ this?"

Just then, William Du-Fancy-Pants (if you remember him from a few episodes back) stuck his head in through the door and smiled sheepishly.

"Hey," he waved, "that's ours." He and a young, pretty girl sidled into the room and took the pregnancy test thing from Folken. "It's blue. What does that mean?" He asked his companion.

"Well I guess it means we're _having_ this baby!" The girl barked at him, and the two disappeared through the door, still bickering.

"What the EFF was that all about?" Dornkirk asked. Folken shrieked aloud in fright, and Nariya was so surprised by the sudden arrival of Zaibach's Emperor that she couldn't hold back any longer and so threw up into the toilet noisily.

"Don't DO that!!!" Folken snarled, glaring at his Lord with something akin to murderous hatred. No, wait, it _was_ murderous hatred. Dornkirk simply shrugged the look off and knit his brow.

"Folken," he intoned seriously, "why did you order your two hot cohorts to withdraw?! Don't you know how _sexy_ they are when they fight?! Plus, they had almost caught that little sweetie with the _leeeeegs_! Why did you disobey me?!"

"Because! Look at her!" Folken angrily gestured at Eriya, who was still in the middle of regurgitating her last meal. "What was she going to do, _puke_ on the enemy?!"

"It that's what it takes, YES!" Dornkirk sniffed in disdain. "It's for our ideal future, ya hear?!"

Eriya had recovered somewhat, having emptied her stomach of all its contents and feeling a bit better, and so clambered onto a medical table and lay there, resting. She'd had to change from her normal white body-suit and wore the funny medical robe again. She still managed to look dead sexy in it, which was a feat quite impressive.

"Sorry, Lord Folken," she said weakly.

"Shh!" Folken covered her mouth with a hand. "_I'm_ the one who should be apologizing."

"But I don't mind-" Eriya began.

"Shh! Shh! Don't talk!" Folken cut her off again, pressing his hand firmly over her mouth this time. "Don't talk! I'm worried about Nariya. What happened?"

"Well-"

"Shh! Shhhhh! Rest yourself! Shhh!" Folken had pressed his chest over her face in an attempt to keep her quiet.

"Lord Folken, I can't breath." Eriya stated bluntly.

"Oh. Sorry." Folken backed off.

-Back in Austuria-

Back in the country of Austuria, night had fallen as well (gee, I sure _hope_ so). Up on the battlements of the palace of Palace, a lone, bored guard sighed whilst making his rounds.

"Dum dee doo," he hummed. "Damn, I'm so bored. I wish there was a hot chick for me to oggle around here."

"Did someone call?" Nariya flipped up over the edge of the battlement and landed in front of the young guard, who was too surprised to speak. Before he could move, Nariya quickly distracted him by sexily singing "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas and dancing like a total ho.

"_My humps! My humps! You love my lady lumps_!"

"Holy crap! Sexiness overload! _Ghhhhhhhrt_!" The guard immediately went into a seizure, lost his balance, and fell over the battlement's railing. A few seconds later, a dull _thud_ was heard.

"Oops." Nariya might have overdone it a tad. She shrugged and moved on, hopping like a cat-ninja hybrid from place to place, always sticking to the shadows, and singing her own theme song as she went. "Duna duna _duuuuuuuun_! Dun dun! Dun dun! Dun dun _dunnnnn_! Dun d- _gwaaagh_!"

Nariya suddenly began coughing and choking so she ground to a halt and held her throat along with her protesting stomach. She felt sick and hot, sweat popping up over her forehead and making her feel even grosser.

"Damn Lucky Charms…" she hissed. "Never again! I'm sticking with Cheerios from now on! They _may_ help prevent heart disease!"

-Elsewhere in the Palace-

Hitomi and Merle were doing their share of the work, trying their hardest to treat the injured people of Austuria, Hitomi bandaging them up while Merle annoyed them to distract from their pain. It was working quite well. In a room watching over the two, Allen stared out the window and Van sat brooding at a nearby table.

"_Well_," Allen commented, "it would seem that Hitomi is just as hot from up here compared to when she is close up. And it seems that Zaibach has realized that as well, so now it's dumped King Ass-ton and is trying to seduce my sweet little Hitomi away. But I won't let them…never!" He punched the window in fury and yelped in pain, shaking his hand that felt like he had just shattered. "They'll probably attack again," he continued. "But they are protected by Lady Luck, the damn whore! I knew she'd cheat on me! _Sniffle_. It's because of luck I couldn't run- er, I mean, fight them off single-handedly with one arm and a leg tied behind my back." Suddenly he noticed his reflection in the windowpane and leaned forward, admiring himself. "_Oooh_, my pores are so small and cute!"

"There IS a way," Van said quietly. Allen perked up at this and turned to look at him.

"Tell me, tell me!" He chirruped annoyingly.

"We kill the man pulling the strings of the Intensified Luck Soldiers," Van declared. He paused and giggled at the silly name, then continued in a deadpan voice. "The man who betrayed Fanelia. The man who serves Dornkirk."

There was a brief pause.

"Bob Barker?" Allen guessed.

"No, you idiot!" Van growled. "_Folken_! My bastard brother! Let's kill him! Let's kill him dead! Like…like with a rock or something. Like…with a stone…"

"Look, Van," Allen said calmly, "you probably don't _have_ to kill your brother. Maybe if we just, you know, ask him nicely, he'll agree to-"

"_Noooooo_!" Van whined, stomping his feet impatiently. "Wanna _killlllll_ him!"

-With Hitomi-

Hitomi was, at the moment, walking alone in a darkened hallway in the dead of night. What is that girl _thinking_? I bet the Unseen Forces had something to do with this. She was carrying a large bundle of dishes, plates, and bowls, all priceless china. As she continued down the hallway, Nariya, who was clinging to the rafters above her, felt her arms give out and she fell to the ground with a loud _splat_. She managed to crawl back into the shadows before Hitomi glanced behind and saw her. Seeing nothing, the psychic girl shrugged and went on.

_Snap_!

Hitomi's shoelace suddenly broke and her shoe fell off, sending her pitching forward with a shriek, dropping all the priceless china which shattered into pieces with a tremendous _CRASH_!

"Oh, _bleep_!" Hitomi swore angrily, staring down at the splintered pile of dishes at her feet. "_Bleep_ing _bleep_er _bleep-bleeeeeeeeeeeeep_!!!"

"That girl's got the _filthiest_ mouth I've ever heard!" Nariya thought to herself in awe.

"_Bleep_…" Hitomi uttered one more swear, then nudged the mess with her toe cautiously. "Well, I guess I can just blame it on Merle…" Sighing, she hopped around on one foot until she located her missing shoe and picked it up. "Gee, this is great. Not my _gators_! Where am I supposed to find a Reebok store in this crummy world?"

"Don't worry, I'll help you out!" A voice said behind her. Hitomi gasped and whirled around. Nariya stood there, reaching out an arm to-

"_RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE_!!!!" Hitomi shrieked as loud as she possibly could, nearly deafening Nariya. She went bright red and quickly retreated several steps, looking quite confused and flustered.

"Agh! Wha? No! Shh! Quiet, I'm a girl, you idiot! I'm not gonna rape you!" She whispered fiercely.

"Oh." Hitomi pondered this for a moment. "_MOLEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTER_!!!"

"Will you _stop_ that?!" Nariya pulled her hands away from her ears and karate-chopped Hitomi's collarbone, knocking the psychic girl out and thankfully shutting her up. Nariya heaved her up over a shoulder and shook her head. "This girl is absolutely nuts!"

-Later…-

Merle came skipping along down the very flight of stairs that Hitomi had been a short while ago, but was blissfully unaware of the situation. She hummed as she went, singing a little song she'd made up because she was deathly bored.

"La la laaa! Hitomi is with Allen, la la laaa! Millerna is with Dryden, la la laaaa! Which leaves Van with _meeee_! La la laaaa- huh?" She screeched to a halt at the bottom of the stairs. Before her lay a ruined mess of broken china, which she scuttled around curiously.

"What's this?" Merle wondered. "General destruction _not_ caused by me? Who _dares_?" She rummaged through the broken plates carefully, then blinked as she found a lone shoe. Picking it up, Merle examined it closely. "Is this whose I think it is?" She leaned closer, took a whiff, and gagged. "Ugh. Yup, it's Hitomi's. But why did she leave it? And where is she? And why isn't she- OH. MY. GOD."

There was a short silence.

"She's been _kidnapped_ again!" Merle squealed with delight, doing a little dance. "Hooray! Yippee! I'm so totally NOT telling anyone! God must love me!"

The Unseen Forces watched Merle cavort happily and muttered to themselves, then quickly departed to go find Van since _they'd_ have to be the ones to break the news of Hitomi's disappearance. Merle was obviously no help to them at all.

-Outside the Palace Grounds-

Outside the palace walls, a whistle sounded shrilly through the night air, a warning cry to alert the guard to action.

"Hurry, this way!" The Guard captain called, his men rushing to answer the call…kinda.

"Not so fast!" One of the prissy Austurian soldiers complained. "I'll ruin my shoes!"

"I just got my hair done!" Another wailed, stomping his foot. "Slow the _eff_ down!" Yet another refused to even move.

"I'm not getting all _sweaty_."

"No WONDER we never catch anyone…" the Captain of the Guard sighed. "Damn you, Allen, for making them like this!"

"_Hitomiiii_! I'm coming for you!" Van hollered, trying to rush off. It would have helped if Merle would release her vice-like grip on his legs.

"Nooo! Don't!" She yowled. "Who on earth told you she was missing, Lord Van?! I'll kill them!"

"Get off of me!" Van kicked her away. "I'll use the Escaflowne to find Hitomi!" As he ran to get his melef, Merle beat the ground in anger.

"No! Lord Vaaaaaan! Who the hell told him?!"

"WE did." The Unseen Forces chuckled.

"You bastards! I'll never forgive you!" Merle leapt up and scratched at the air in vain.

High up above the streets of Palace, Nariya was making her escape with Hitomi! Slung over one of the cat-girl's shoulders, Hitomi struggled as the lithe Nariya hopped from the top of one building to the next.

"P-please!" Hitomi begged fearfully. "Don't molester me! I don't like girls, I swear!" She paused. "Although anyone could turn lesbian _pretty_ quick when they're around Van and Allen."

"Quiet!" Nariya ordered, pinching her arm. "It's useless, so don't try to resist!" As if Hitomi didn't _already_ know that! Her patented style of crotch-kicking that she'd perfected with 'help' from Allen was _useless_ against women!

Down below, the horny Knight of Kaeli ran around the streets of the city, flailing his arms about like a drunkard and wailing at the top of his voice like a fire-truck siren.

"Hitomiiiiiii, my love!" He called. "Where ARE youuuuuu?!"

"You're not helping any!" A guard yelled as he ran by. Allen ignored him.

"Oh, this is just like when Selena disappeared!" Allen gasped, "Except I didn't wanna sleep with her because she was my sister!" He remembered his annoying little sis, and how she'd one day just ran off into the woods for no apparent reason (_cough_ Unseen Forces _cough_). He then remembered kneeling at the side of his mother's deathbed, sobbing like a pansy.

"No, mama, no!" The younger Allen sobbed. "Don't leave me alone, mama! I'm sorry I put those flowers you're allergic to in your food, I didn't mean it, honest! Wake up, mommy! Please!"

"Allen, she's dead," the doctor said gently, placing a hand on the boy's shoulder.

"No she isn't!" Allen threw off the man's hand. "Here, I'll prove it!" He leapt onto the bed of his dead mother's and heaved up her body, making her move different limbs and seem like she was still alive. "See, she's fine! Now do it on your own, mama!" He let go and his mother's body crumpled into a heap. "Ewww, mama! You smell! Take a bath, you old hag!" Allen pinched his nose closed in disgust.

"No _wonder_ she died…" the doctor muttered.

Back in the present, Allen sobbed and covered his face with his hands in despair.

"No! Why does everyone who hate me disappear?! WHY?! It's not fair!"

-On a Boat Somewhere in Palace-

Nariya and her captive, Hitomi, were hitching a ride on a small boat floating innocently down a canal in the dead of night. Nariya kept a tight hold on Hitomi, having a hand clamped over her mouth and holding her sharp claws to her throat as warning. Hitomi gulped, then squinted her eyes.

"Why does she smell like Purina Cat-Chow?" She wondered, feeling a wee bit homophobic at their closeness.

"You'd better keep quiet," Nariya growled, moving her knife-like claws closer. "Understand? _Huuuuurgh_!" She suddenly gagged, leaning over Hitomi's lap and clutching at her throat.

"Ew! Don't blow chunks on this skirt, lady! It's brand new!" Hitomi barked, trying to pull away. She jerked as a new and improved horrifying vision entered her mind (oh, joy). The vision was of a burning house in the woods, with a stabbed beast man and woman filled with arrows burning along with it.

"Gee, I am LOVIN' this vision already," Hitomi thought sarcastically. Then she narrowed her eyes. The man and woman looked remarkably familiar. Indeed, they looked a heck of a lot like Nariya and Eriya, which means they must be their-

"Cousins?!" Allen popped up. A buzzer sounded and he was booted away.

"Friends?" Van tried, unsure. The same buzzer sounded and he was taken away also.

"Oh, please!" Merle huffed. "It's obvious that those two are Nariya and Eriya's parents!" A bell dinged for the right answer. Merle smiled smugly…and then was booted away as well. _Heh heh heh_…

"Okay, enough!" Hitomi growled. "Back to the vision already!"

"Hah, they asked for it!" A large group of grizzled hunters laughed as they watched the house burn down. "Yeah, they tried to interfere with our hunt! We shouldn't hurt the forest, huh?"

"And they said we couldn't read good!" Another added. "Unforgivable!"

"Damn uppity beast men!"

Two little twins watched from a distance, hiding in the underbrush as their house burned to the ground.

"Mommy…" One sniffled. "Daddy…"

"My Justin Timberlake collection…" the other sobbed. They hugged each other for comfort and huddled closer. The vision skipped forward, next showing the two little girls walking alone, in the rain, in a desolate wasteland.

"Okay, melodrama OVERLOAD, here!" Hitomi interrupted. "Don't you think you're laying it on a bit thick?"

"Don't cry, Balubalu," one girl said to the other, holding her hand. "I'm here with you. Soon we'll be able to change our horrible names, too. Don't worry!"

The scene skipped forward again and showed when the girls were trapped on the edge of a canyon, a group of people surrounding them.

"Found 'em! The Olsen Twins!" One man declared.

"Shut up!" The leader barked, smacking him upside the head. "They are NOT, you idiot! They're a set of gold and silver twins! They'll be worth a fortune! Plus, they'll be super hot when they grow up! Let's get them!" The men rushed forward, the Unseen Forces tripped the girls, they fell down the canyon, and Folken swooped down to save them like you all remember unless you have short term memory loss, then you should stop reading this and go see a doctor. Next it showed the girls when they were lying on the tables, getting the Fortune Blood inserted in them as Folken stood close by.

"Ew, they put PEE in themselves?" Hitomi gagged as she watched.

"For the last time, it's not PEE! Now get the hell outta here!" Folken hollered at her. Finally the flashback ended, and Hitomi found herself back on the small boat next to the smelly cat-girl almost puking on her. Suddenly, Hitomi felt like she understood her better, having seen what she'd gone through and experienced.

"So, _that's_ what happened…" Hitomi murmured, staring at Nariya, who wormed uncomfortably under her strong gaze.

"What? Do I have something on my face?" She asked. "Is my mascara running? _What_?" The boat continued drifting ever onward down the misty canal.

-Later-

The night had deepened even more than before, and far away from the capital, a man on an ox-driven cart was singing (very loudly) to himself the most annoying song ever known to man.

"Mmmbop! Ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop,  ba du bop, ba duba dop,  ba du, _yeaaah_, yeah! Mmmbop!" That was as far as the man got before Nariya leapt out of the bushes next to the dirt road and punched him out. She kicked him off the wagon, dragged Hitomi over, kicked the man once more for singing that stupid song that was now stuck in the fic author's head because she'd written it down, then went tearing down the road on the wagon, keeping a tight hold on Hitomi the whole way.

"Okay, we are _definitely_ speeding," Hitomi stated as she watched the trees go whizzing by.

"Yeah, so what?" Nariya scoffed, whipping the oxen to make them go even faster. "Who's gonna stop us, the fuzz?"

Immediately a man in blue atop a black-and-white horse and yelling "Wheeeee-oooo! Wheeeeee-oooo!" came galloping up beside the two and pulled them over.

"I just _had_ to ask." Nariya grumbled as the man got off his horse and approached them.

"Told you so!" Hitomi whispered. After a couple of minutes of scandalous flirting from Nariya and a few alcohol tests (with Nariya being forced to walk the line, touch her nose, and recite the alphabet), she luckily got off with just a warning and was sent on her way.

"Thank God the Fortune Pee is still working!" Nariya sighed, climbing back onto the wagon (if one could listen closely enough, they would hear a very faint "It's not peeee!" on the wind). She whipped the oxen and they started off down the road again, this time keeping well under the speed limit.

"Why are you doing this?" Hitomi asked, sitting next to the cat-girl. "For Folken? To repay him for saving you? Or…are you just trying to make up for your big screw-up yesterday?"

"Shut up, already!" Nariya hissed. "If I wanted to hear from a psychic I'd just call Miss Cleo!"

"Hey!" Hitomi was deeply insulted. "Don't you understand that it doesn't make any sense? It's _wrong_!"

"I said shut up!" Nariya turned her attention from driving and went to go smack Hitomi.

"Hey, watch the road, lady! Eeeek!" Hitomi yelped in panic as twin beams cut through the darkness right in front of them. Lyndsay Lohan, driving like a maniac, came tearing down the road, side-swiped the wagon, and went peeling off into the distance.

"For goodness sake, go to rehab!" Nariya shrieked.

The wagon was sent flying, with its passengers being thrown violently out of the cart. The Unseen Forces quickly dived down and softened Hitomi's landing so she wouldn't be hurt, but not so for Nariya!

"Whew…that wasn't so bad…" Hitomi picked herself up and looked down the road where Nariya lay sprawled, the destroyed wagon a few feet from her.

"I…I think I'm alright…" the cat-girl slowly sat up.

"OHMYGOD." Hitomi's eyes flew wide open in shock. Nariya's left arm was twisted behind her back at a hideous and awkward angle. Why the hell didn't she _feel_ anything?

"What? What's wrong?" Nariya asked, obliviously looking to the left and right to see what Hitomi was staring at in horror.

"Your…your arm!" Hitomi stammered, lifting a shaking finger.

"Huh? My what?" Nariya frowned and turned to look. "What's wrong with my-" She froze, finally noticing her distorted limb. She cautiously tried to move it. It twitched. "Oh. AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!"

Several minutes later, the two had been able to snap the appendage back into place, and Nariya held it to her body, face white with pain.

"Don't you even _think_ about escaping!" She hissed at Hitomi. "I'm taking you to Lord Folken whether you like it or not!" As if Hitomi would even think about running away. If she did, Nariya would probably _die_.

"Uh, maybe we should rest for a few minutes," she suggested, eyeing Nariya's swollen arm. "Or at least find something cold for that."

"It's FINE." Nariya growled.

"It looks like a BLIMP." Hitomi said firmly.

"Who asked you anyway?!" Nariya staggered to her feet, anger fueling her body. "I said I'm fine! Perfectly fi-" And then she fainted.

"Why is it always ME?" Hitomi lamented, walking over to the woman's prone body. Nariya woke up several minutes later, and gasped in pain as Hitomi finished tying the knot of the pink handkerchief she'd just wrapped around the cat-girl's swollen arm.

"Ow! What the hell are you doing to me, girlie?!"

"I'm _trying_ to help you!" Hitomi shot back.

"Well you're waking it _worse_! Get away!" Nariya shoved Hitomi away and nursed her aching arm. Hitomi sat quietly, watching her.

"So, uh, what's your name?" She asked curiously. "I can't keep calling your Sexy Cat-Twin Number 1, now can I?" Nariya simply looked away. Hitomi frowned. "Come on! Why don't you come home with me? I'll give you a bowl of milk and a ball of yarn, and you can sleep next to the fireplace at night!"

"Okay, I'm a cat-girl, not a cat, _girl_!" Nariya rolled her eyes and stood up. "And Folken already gives me all those things anyway. Now let's move!"

"Please! Don't worry, it's okay!" Hitomi stood up also and regarded the woman. "I can talk to Allen and the others about adopting a kitty, you know? They're really nice guys, once you get past all the stupid! As long as you're litter-box trained, I'm sure they won't mind at all!"

Nariya just chuckled softly, then rounded on Hitomi.

"Are you asking me to surrender, little girl?!" She demanded.

"Uh, no, I'm asking you to be my pet," Hitomi replied.

"I'm not a freaking _pet_ already, so just give it up!" Nariya barked. "Your sympathetic little goody-two-shoes act won't work on me! The only person I trust is Lord Folken! …And George Foreman! Now move!" She seized Hitomi by the scruff of the neck and started dragging her away.

"Ow! Hey, stop!" Hitomi struggled. "I'm not like you, that hurts!"

_Kra-kow_! Hitomi was suddenly hit with another vision! She saw the moment when Eriya and Folken kissed and realized-

"Ewww! You're in _love_ with Folken?!" Hitomi gasped.

"And what's wrong with _that_?!" Nariya argued, cheeks turning pink.

"Uh…well, isn't he…kinda creepy?" Hitomi asked. "And…psychosomatic? And chronically depressed? Hey, wait, he sounds a lot like me…"

"He's _mine_, so forget it!" Nariya hollered.

-On the Floating Jellyfish-

On Folken's nifty Floating Jellyfish, which still hovered over the sea, he was having a conference with his master, Emperor Dornkirk, via the same dark room with a screen as he always did. And by conference, I mean going through hell.

"The harbor?" Folken repeated, a look of confusion on his face.

"_The harbor_?" Dornkirk mimicked nastily. "Yes, the freakin' _harbor_! That little hunny's image is about to appear there. Dispatch the Intensified Luck soldier at once!" He paused and chewed on his moustache. "Don't tell me _you_ came up with that name?"

"Yup, and all by myself!" Folken declared proudly.

"Yippee, you get two gold stars!" Dornkirk sang sarcastically, rolling his eyes. The Emperor was in a bad mood because not only was he having trouble with his Zelda game, but he hadn't done a number two in about a week. "Now send out your hot mama!"

"Wait, Majesty," Folken protested. "She's still not recovered yet! …Plus it's taking a little more time than anticipated for her nails to be done, not to mention her _weave_-"

"There is nothing to fear," Dornkirk assured. "The device is functioning normally, thanks to Bob Villa!"

"Well, yeah, but…" Folken tried to think up an excuse. He was worried about Eriya having to go back into battle, as she was still feeling the ill effects of the Lucky Charms incident.

"Heyyyy, I'm back!" Eriya sang, waltzing in through the automatic door with her nails, hair, and skin practically glowing. She also held many bags filled with clothes and accessories that she'd purchased on a whim. "Don't worry, Lord Folken! I'll be fine! Please, let me go, you won't regret it! Plus I got the _cutest_ shoes to wear when I go! Wanna see?"

"Eriya…" Folken sighed.

"Hey there, toots!" Dornkirk whistled, winking suggestively. "What say you and I go get a little sum' sum' at the nearest Ihop? My treat!"

"Oh, please." Eriya tossed her head. "Just _looking_ at that food makes me gain ten pounds."

-Back to Austuria!-

Van, young King of Fanelia, was flying over the city of Palace on the Escaflowne, Dragon mode, in search of his beloved psychic chick. Van, since he had no patience, certainly wasn't helping any by loudly voicing his complaints the whole time.

"Hitomi! Where are you?" Van whined. "Come on, man! Help me out here!"

"Hey, I'm _trying_!" The Escaflowne barked. "How about flying a little _lower_, dumbass? You couldn't see an elephant from up here!"

"…Did you just insult Hitomi's weight?" Van asked.

"NO. Now fly _lower_!" The Esca growled.

"_You_ fly lower!" Van spat back.

"Oooooh, _great_ comeback. I'm _smarting_ from that one."

"S-shut up! I hate you!" Van's eyes began filling with tears. Oh, boy. "Huh? What's that?" From his tear-stained eyes, Van squinted to see something in the distance, closing in fast. Why, it was Eriya on her flying sexy melef! "Oh, _bleep_s! RUN!" Van yanked desperately at the reins, trying to make the Ispano melef veer off course. Instead it flew straight for the enemy unit. "What're you _doing_, you idiot?! Run for it!"

"Quiet! She might know where Hitomi is!" The Escaflowne explained, getting closer. "Hey, sexy! Over here!"

Down in the city below, Allen and his loyal second-in-command, Gaddess, sat perched on horses at the edge of a canal, examining it for traces of Hitomi.

"I was SURE they'd use this harbor to escape…" Gaddess muttered.

"Really? Why?" Allen asked curiously.

"Because _I'd_ use it if _I_ had to transport numerous dead bodies from the city without being seen!" Gaddess answered. There was an awkward silence.

"O…kay…" Allen inched his horse a little farther away from Gaddess. Come on, think of something witty to say, Allen! Oh, wait! "Gaddess, go prep the Crusade!"

"To look for Hitomi?" Gaddess asked brightly.

"Good heavens, no! To run like hell in case of another Zaibach attack, you fool!" Allen scoffed.

"I should have known…" Gaddess sighed and rode off.

"Look!" A random soldier cried, pointing up at the sky. As everyone's attention was diverted upward, the soldier smiled and waved at the camera like a 'tard. "Hi, mom!"

High up in the sky above, Eriya and the Escaflowne were blasting straight toward each other, playing chicken! Who would be the first to move?!

"Dragon!" Eriya screeched. "I still haven't forgotten about you not calling!"

"Oh, will you get _over_ that already?!" The Escaflowne yelled back, exasperated.

"Alright." Eriya suddenly veered off to the side, just missing the Escaflowne as it blasted past, and kept going.

"Oh, thank God!" Van gasped in relief.

"Get BACK here!" The Escaflowne hollered, wheeling around to follow the retreating cat-girl. Suddenly the last of the luck kicked in, and the Esca's Energist glowed. Its spindly wings drew back for some odd reason, and it plummeted downward.

"IEEEEEEEEE!" Van shrieked, clutching the reins. "It's more of that damn luck of theirs! What do I do?!" The two continued to fall until they were almost about to hit the ocean below. Suddenly a lightbulb went on in Van's dusty, cobweb-filled head. "Escaflowne," he cried as they fell, "if we crash, I'll tell everyone that you're GAY!"

"WHAT?!" Immediately the Escaflowne's wings popped back out and they were barely able to pull out of their dive, skimming the blue ocean with its feet and slowly gaining altitude again. Phew!

"I'd better remember that one…" Van reminded himself. "Well, it's no use," he said aloud, and quite insincerely, too. "I can't get _anywhere_ near that cat-lady now! Too bad! Looks like we'll just have to _run away_!"

"No we don't, you nimrod!" The Escaflowne growled, beating its wings. "Use your latent psychic powers, _duh_!"

"Oh. Alright." Since there was no immediate danger to his person, Van thought this was a good idea, so he closed his eyes and began to concentrate. "Hmm…Come on, now, psychic powers, help me out! _Hmmmmm_!"

Somewhere in the world, a park bench burst into flames. The people sitting on it, too.

"Hmm…where _are_ you, Folken?!" Van grumbled, seeing the familiar pink pendant swinging in his mind. "_Where_?!" The pendant swung forward, and he saw a brief glimpse of his brother – in the shower. "_Eeeuugh_! Gross! I didn't need to see that, you stupid psychic powers! But at least I know where the loser is now! Let's go!" He turned the Escaflowne around and flew back over the wide expanse of the ocean, where he could see the Floating Jellyfish, trying feebly to hide behind its cloaking device, which Van could easily see through.

-Back With Hitomi and Nariya!-

Hitomi and Nariya had managed to drag themselves down the dirt road until they'd arrived at a harbor, and now Nariya was yanking her toward a boat.

"Don't go back to Folken!" Hitomi urged in vain. "Come on, you can do better than him! Please! Isn't Nick Lachey single now? I bet he'd go out with you!"

"Will you _shut up_?" Nariya snapped. She dumped Hitomi at the end of the boat and began prepping the vessel for takeoff.

"Do you even know how to drive this thing?" Hitomi asked.

"That's what the LUCK is for!" Nariya explained bluntly. "Plus this way we can't be stopped by those bastard fuzz again."

Immediately a man in blue yelling "Weeee-oooo, weeee-ooooo" and riding a killer whale swam up and ticketed her, as this was her second offense and no amount of flirting could convince the cop otherwise. Nariya sighed and tucked the ticket away, wondering if it would be alright to ask Lord Folken to pay it for her, as she was flat broke after the shopping spree at JC Penny.

"But…" Hitomi said, getting the two back on track (thank you), "changing your body with some kind of machine, and being hurt by it, even if it's for someone that you love, it's not _right_!"

"Shut up." Nariya stalked over to her, a dangerous glint in her eyes.

"No!" Hitomi refused to back down. "It's wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong!"

_Slap_!

"…Ow. You hit me." Hitomi's lower lip quivered, and her eyes filled with tears. Nariya instantly felt guilty for smacking her. "Uh…uhbu…_Uwaaaaaaaaahhh_!" Hitomi began crying her eyes out. Nariya took a step back in shock.

"Aaagh! Okay, stop! I'm sorry!"

"Why?" Hitomi thought as she cried, "Why doesn't she understand?"

Suddenly, an apparition of Varie, Van's momma, popped up right next to her.

"The uneasy feelings-" she began.

"_Yeeeeek_!" Hitomi squealed in fright and jerked herself away from the ghostly image, her heart beating like a jackhammer. "Don't DO that, lady! You scared me half to death!"

"Oh. Sorry." Varie blushed. "May I continue?"

"By all means."

"The uneasy feelings lurking in your heart are calling forth a sad reality," Varie explained. She paused for a moment. "Hairspray!" Then she disappeared.

"The uneasy feelings?" Hitomi wondered.

A vision of her young granny suddenly appeared on the other side of her.

"Trust your-"

"_Gaaaaaaah_!" Hitomi flung herself the other way. "What the hell is WRONG with you people?! _Stop_ it!"

"Sorry." Hitomi's granny shrugged. "Anyway, trust your feelings, your wishes will always come true!"

Hitomi stared blankly at her grandmother.

"Trust my _feelings_?" She repeated blandly. "My wishes will always come _true_?"

"It sounded a lot less gay in my mind, okay?" Hitomi's granny raised an eyebrow. "Well, have fun!" She faded from view just like Varie, leaving Hitomi alone with Nariya once again.

"You're afraid!" Nariya was saying. "Afraid of what will happen!"

"Huh?" Hitomi asked in confusion, looking up at the looming cat-girl and wishing she'd been paying attention earlier.

"_I'd_ be afraid if I were you," Nariya went on. "The leader of Zaibach is a complete nut, and is ga-ga for girls. Aren't you scared?"

"Actually, I'm quite used to people like that," Hitomi answered truthfully. Nariya frowned.

"Well then why don't you run away?!" She whirled around, leaving Hitomi to stare at her back in surprise. "You could have escaped whenever you wanted to, but you didn't! Why not?"

"Because it's a lot nicer being here with you than back in that damn city full of horndogs," Hitomi admitted, making a face. "And…because I _believe_ in you…" Hitomi stood up.

"Eh?" Nariya glanced over her shoulder at the girl. "Are you…hitting on me?"

"I told you, I don't swing that way," Hitomi explained. "I trust my own feelings, and right now, they're telling me you're _not_ a bad person! Although you DID steal some red undies from Victoria's Secret that one time when you were sixteen."

"How did you know about that?!" Nariya went red. Hitomi smiled. She was getting somewhere! Until…

"Eeeek!" Hitomi lost her balance and hit the deck (literally) as the boat pitched around dangerously. Waves from the ocean were rocking the boat as Eriya finally appeared over the two in her sexy melef, hovering in flight mode.

"_There_ you are, sister!" She called. "I finally found you!"

"About time, Eriya!" Nariya yelled back. She turned and grabbed hold of Hitomi again. "Listen here, girlie! Serving under Lord Folken is all I need to make me happy. And a few stolen sexy undergarments on the side. Understand?"

"But…_why_?" Hitomi wondered to herself. She just couldn't understand them!

-With Van-

Elsewhere, Van was closing in on the Floating Jellyfish, making the Zaibach soldiers inside go into a panicked frenzy as a warning siren began wailing loudly.

"Oh, no! The Dragon is approaching!" One soldier squealed.

"Damn! How did he spot us?!" Another spat. Outside, huge, fluorescent signs pointed to the big, empty space where the Jellyfish was hiding and read, "So totally NOT a Zaibach Floating Jellyfish!" and "Just an empty space here! Nothing to see! Dragons, pass on by!"

Van was now pulling up right in front of the Jellyfish, ready to break in and crash the party.

"FOLKEN!" Van bellowed, plowing forward and smashing his way into the Jellyfish by body-slamming the large window. He landed with a crash, and looked up to see-

"_Eeeeeek_!" Numerous men in various stages of dress (and undress) squealed in fright and desperately tried to cover themselves behind towels and curtains. Apparently Van had mistook the shower area for the control room.

"Ew. Sorry." Turning green, Van quickly whirled around and flew back out of the room. Flying around the Jellyfish until he was sure he'd located the right place this time, he came crashing back in through yet another window and landed in the control room.

"Folken, where are you?!" Van roared as the Escaflowne morphed back into Guymelef mode and drew its blade. Men screamed and ran in fear as Van swung the sword around like a lunatic, his dumb luck initiating so that he by chance struck the mechanism that kept the Floating Jellyfish invisible and so made it visible in the process. Way to go, Van! Smoke began pouring from the crippled Jellyfish, and explosions began breaking out all over its sides, too! Get some Proactive, Jellyfish! That'll fix ya right up! And don't you know that smoking is bad for you?!

-Back With Hitomi-

"What was that?!" Hitomi cried, hearing the distant explosions from the Floating Jellyfish Van was attacking. Nariya and Eriya gasped, looking up at the sky and seeing Folken's Floating Jellyfish spewing smoke.

"Oh, no! Lord Folken!" Nariya released her hold on Hitomi, letting her fall to the ground with a thump.

"That idiot Van!" Hitomi growled, not needing to be psychic to know he had a hand in this. "What's he up to now?!"

"Come, sister! Hurry!" Eriya called, reaching out one of the Guymelef's large hands to pick them up. Hitomi gasped in horror and, grabbing Nariya's shoulder, whirled her around and stared her straight in the face.

"Believe me, you DON'T want to do that! Your organs will be crushed into _oblivion_!" She warned, eyeing the hand still coming closer.

"We can worry about our innards later! Move it!" Nariya scoffed, unconcerned. The fool!

"I thought you'd _understand_!" Hitomi pouted. "You leave me no choice." She paused. "_Lucky charms_!"

"_Urrrrrgh_!" Nariya doubled over, a hand clapped to her mouth as a fresh wave of nausea washed over her. Suddenly something totally weird happened and the cat-girl went from hot and young to old and pruney in just a few seconds. Holy crap! The same thing happened to Eriya, who was retching in the melef. Hitomi's eyes flew wide when she saw the now aged and old cat-girl, and she backed up, arms up in the air.

"Oh GOD! That wasn't me! I _swear_, it _wasn't_ me!" She cried. She inched forward, trying to help Nariya, but at the same time not wanting to touch her since she was all gross and old now. "Oh! Oh, God! Are you alright? Do…do you need some Depends? Some pills? What?!" Nariya fell to her knees, her legs suddenly not able to keep her up.

"Why don't you…" she rasped, "…just leave me alone?"

"Alright." Hitomi shrugged and turned to leave.

"Hey, wait!" Nariya barked. "I didn't really _mean_ that! You're supposed to say 'not until I'm sure you're okay' and stay, idiot!"

"Alright already!" Hitomi huffed and turned back around. "I was just kidding!" Nariya looked down at the pink handkerchief Hitomi had wrapped around her injured arm – it was cutting off her circulation, which was probably a good thing because it deadened the pain.

"Hitomi, huh?" Nariya said softly. "It has a nice ring to it."

"THAT…" Hitomi whimpered, with tears glistening in her eyes, "is the first NICE thing that anyone's EVER said to me in this stupid world! I LOVE you!" She burst into tears and threw her arms around Nariya, giving her a big ol' hug. Awwww!

"Nariya," Nariya said.

"Uh…gezundheit?" Hitomi said, unsure.

"Nariya is the name I chose when I joined Lord Folken," Nariya explained patiently.

"Oh." Hitomi blushed. "Sorry. It's, uh, very pretty." Nariya suddenly reached out a hand and placed it on Hitomi's chest. "But I still didn't mean it like that!" Hitomi sputtered. Nariya smiled and simply pushed Hitomi back and away from the two cat-girl twins.

"Sister?" Eriya asked in surprise.

"You'd only just get in the way if we took you with us." Nariya gave Hitomi one last look and hopped up into her sister's waiting hand.

"Watch out! It's painful!" Hitomi warned her. Nariya simply ignored her.

"Hurry, sister!" She urged. "Take us back to Lord Folken!" Eriya nodded and, shifting to flight mode, began surging upward into the sky toward the Floating Jellyfish beyond. Hitomi watched them blast off, backing up as she did, until-

_Splash_!

"Gwaagh! Damn wharf! That's just my luck, ain't it?!" Hitomi spluttered up out of the water and clambered back onto dry land. "Nariya…" She watched the sisters dwindle off into the distance sadly.

The Unseen Forces scuttled up and tapped Hitomi on the shoulder. She blinked and looked up to see (_ugh_) the Crusade hovering right above her! Uh-oh! Maybe if she ran for it now, they wouldn't see-

"_Hitomiiiiiii_!" Allen called down, hanging half his body out the window and almost falling in the process (and making the crew of the Crusade desperately want to push him the rest of the way). "My love! I found you!"

"Aw, dang it." Hitomi kicked at the dirt and sighed. "How the hell did you find me, you bastard?"

"By using my 'Woman Radar'!" Allen explained. "It's like my _fourth_ sense!" He smiled proudly, and Hitomi contemplated jumping back into the water and drowning herself to escape her misery.

-Aaaaaaaaand Back With Van-

Back on the Floating Jellyfish, Van continued his path of destruction by recklessly swinging his sword around and hitting random objects.

"You're gonna end up stabbing your own _foot_!" The Esca warned.

"Am NOT!" Van barked. Immediately afterward his sword hit a gas tank and caused an explosion right in his face. "Aaaagh! My precious _eyebrows_!"

"SEE?! What did I tell ya?!"

"Shut up!" Van struggled to hold back his tears. "Folken! Get your gothic ass out here! I'm not waiting all day!" He paused as an idea came to him. "Oh, _Draaaaculaaaa_!"

"I'm not a freaking vampire!" Folken growled, entering dramatically through a smoke screen and standing before his brother unafraid.

"Oh, you just HAD to make yourself look cool, huh?" Van rolled his eyes.

"_Jealous_?" Folken asked, raising an eyebrow.

"NO." Van stated, although he secretly was. The faceplate of the Escaflowne popped open, and Van glared at his brother. "Now stay still so I can kill you!"

"Why don't you understand, Van?" Folken asked rather sadly. "That the creation of our new world is almost at hand? And that _I_ am _so_ much cooler than you?"

"It's not TRUUUUUEEE!" Van howled.

"This is the final battle," Folken continued. "Why can't you see that? Is it because…you were cross-eyed when you were younger?"

"You remember that?!" Van gasped in horror. "Don't you _dare_ tell anyone about that!" The faceplate snapped closed, and Van raised his sword. "_Dieeeeeee_!" He brought the blade swinging down with too much force, overbalanced, and fell over. "Dammit, who the hell knocked me over?!" Van squawked.

"Don't look at me." Folken shrugged. "It's not my fault you suck."

"I'd like to take a moment to say that was ALL Van and not me at all." The Escaflowne stated bluntly.

"Lord Folken!" The cat-twins had finally arrived! The sexy melef came crashing into the Jellyfish, halted next to Folken, and dropped Nariya off.

"Leave him to us, Lord Folken!" She said.

"Well alright, but-_GOOO_!" Folken had just noticed how Nariya had aged about forty years in a matter of hours. "What the HELL happened to you? You look like a shriveled prune!"

"Intensified Luck Soldiers?" Van muttered to himself as he sat up. "Huh! Mo' like Intensified AGE Soldiers! Oh, snap! Oh, snap!"

"Dude, that was _sooo_ lame," the Esca grumbled.

"What's the matter with you?" Eriya, who was still in the melef, hissed. "Are you _blind_? Can't you see that Lord Folken _cares_ about you?!"

"He does?" Van asked.

"I do?" Folken asked.

"Why can't you see how much he _cares_?! Answer me! Gawd, you piss me off so frickin' much!" Eriya took a step forward.

"Whoa! Cool it, grandma!" Van backed off, more than a little frightened.

"Eriya…" Nariya said softly, looking up at her sister.

"I won't let anyone make Lord Folken sad! No one!" Eriya declared.

"Then kill Dornkirk!" Folken hollered.

"Huh?" The two sisters turned to Folken, who had an innocent look plastered on his face.

"What? I didn't say anything." He looked behind him and shrugged. "Somebody's yellin' stuff."

Suddenly the Escaflowne's Energist glowed pink, and a huge explosion rocked the Floating Jellyfish.

"Okay, _that_ one was me." The Escaflowne admitted as he and his pilot plummeted toward the ocean from the hole it had just made.

"Lord Folken!" Nariya leapt at Folken to protect him from the explosion (and grope him in the process), while Eriya also got in front of the two to shield them from the blast.

As the Escaflowne fell, it quickly morphed into Dragon Mode so as not to crash and die horribly. In the sky above, the Crusade watched as the Floating Jellyfish began losing altitude and falling toward the ocean amid numerous explosions.

"_Ooooh_, purty lights!" Allen gasped in awe.

"People are _dying_, idiot!" Hitomi snapped, smacking him. "And Van is on there, too!"

"You think?" Allen asked hopefully. Hitomi smacked him again.

The Escaflowne swooped down toward an empty beach to make its perfect landing, or at least it tried to. The melef and pilot crashed into the sandbar and went tumbling down its length head over heels, with Van being thrown from his throne (a-ha ha)and managing to roll onto his feet (more of his dumb luck).

"TENNNN!" Van sang, posing as he bounced up onto his feet. He turned and watched the destruction of the Floating Jellyfish. On board the doomed vessel, Nariya and Eriya snuggled against Folken's knees sweetly. Everyone please saw '_awwwwww'_. They weakly looked up at their master, devotion filling their eyes.

"Please get away from here," Nariya whispered. "There's no need to worry about my sister and I. You don't know how glad we are to have met you."

"And we're happy to die with you watching over us," Eriya added. "Good bye, Lord Folken." (Gaaww! I just couldn't bring myself to change this part! It's so sad and sweet! _Guuuuuh_! _Runs off sobbing_.)

A screen behind the bittersweet company flickered on, and Dornkirk's face appeared.

"Guess who's _baaaaaack_!" He hummed. "So, what's going on in-_holy crap what happened to those hot cat-girls?!_ They look like _me_ now! Are the Rolling Stones making a _comeback_ or what?!" Dornkirk managed to calm down some and mulled over this. "Well, it seems there was a reaction of misfortune to the artificially enhanced good fortune. My bad! The experiment was successful beyond my expectations! I have…the _answer_!" Folken stood up slowly and whipped off his long, dark and creepy cape. "The answer that has forever eluded man!" Dornkirk continued, oblivious to Folken's dark mood. "Our fate equations are now-"

"_Will you shut the hell up, you belligerent old fart_?!" Folken exploded, making his previous temper tantrums look like a 0.1 on the Rictor scale. It shut Dornkirk up quite nicely.

"Wha…buh…" Dornkirk sputtered, at a loss for words.

"I'm SICK of working for a crazed buffoon!" Folken declared. "You're WRONG!"

"_What_?!" Dornkirk hissed venomously. No-one told him off, no-one, _son_! Too bad the screen took that moment of all times to short out and explode. The entire Floating Jellyfish was going up in flames, sinking into the sea. Van watched with delight from the beach.

"Ooh, _yeah_! Sink! Sink!" Van danced around and sang loudly. "Oh, wait. I'm not supposed to hate Folken anymore. Or _am_ I? Oh, I am SO confused!" Van sat down and began to pout. A stifled groan from behind him caused him to turn around.

"Will you be _quiet_ already?" The Escaflowne slowly sat up, having finally recovered from its harsh crash onto the sandbar. Van suddenly went pale.

"Oh. My. God." He whispered.

The Escaflowne's back leg was twisted sickeningly, sticking up behind its back at a grotesque angle.

"What? What's wrong?" The Escaflowne glanced around, feeling nothing.

"M…maybe you should lie down," Van suggesting, trying to appear calm.

"Just tell me what it is already!" The Escaflowne snapped. It trundled to the ocean's edge and studied its reflection in the water's surface and saw… "Is…is that my…that's my _leg_, isn't it?" And then it fainted.

"Poor guy…" Van sighed. Glancing back at the sinking Floating Jellyfish, he saw a bright speck blast from it into the sky as something escaped the doomed fortress. "Hmm. Brother senses…_tingling_!" He muttered.

Indeed, Folken had managed to escape the sinking Jellyfish by taking Eriya's forgotten sexy melef. A single tear dribbled down his cheek.

"Better get those applications for hot twin cohorts ready," he thought as he flew away over the mountains.

-Episode 21 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Holy CRAP! This is the longest chapter I've ever written for this series! Seriously, it was like, almost twenty-five pages long! I have no idea how it got like that! Oh, well. I really had fun writing this one, and find it to be one of my funniest. Well, I'm on to the next! Hope you liked this one! Bye! Review, please!


	22. Episode 22: The Black Winged Loser

Author's Note: Next one, horray! _Cheers_! Yet another episode of Escaflowne all _effed_ up for your humorous enjoyment. Have fun! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 22

The Black-Winged Loser

Recap: Nariya and Eriya snatch Hitomi, and an enraged Van valiantly tries to rescue/kill her, you can't really tell the difference with him. Thankfully his plans are foiled when the Fortune Pee- er, Blood, starts going on the fritz and the two hot twins totally lose it. They flee, with Nariya (or is it Eriya? Eh, the one with silver hair) falling behind and her sister escaping. The people of Palace recuperate from the assault (and Hitomi from Allen's) and Nariya emerges from a canal, still alive! Dun dun _dunnnn_! Millerna apologizes to Hitomi for being such a ba-zitch, then baboons fly out of her ass and the sun explodes. It's the end of the world! Just kidding. Nariya sneaks into the castle in the dead of night like a hot ninja assassin and kidnaps Hitomi (she is quite used to it, by now), causing a stir as Van and Allen run off in search of her. Hitomi has visions (ugh) of Nariya's childhood and so comes to understand the vixen, although she doesn't know if that's a good or a bad thing. She and the cat-woman get into a wagon accident, with her hurting her arm and Hitomi showing her mercy (_awwww_) and ending up hurting her even more (_eeeuhhh_…). Eriya is sent out as the kidnapper and kidnappee arrive at the harbor and start arguing. Van takes off on the Escaflowne and manages to find Folken on his Floating Jellyfish (wow, he actually _accomplished_ something! _Clap clap clap_!). The two twins finally meet up and suddenly get all gross and old because of the defective pee. Uh, oh! They see the destruction Van is causing and so set out to save Folken, leaving Hitomi to Allen's mercy (oh, please, he has none). Van and Folken yell at each other, then the girls arrive and give Van the boot. Folken has no choice but to leave his two hot cohorts as the Floating Jellyfish sinks into the sea. _Sniff_. Oh, and he called Dornkirk a belligerent old fart. Bwahaha!

_It was dusk, and Folken of Fanelia had departed from his home to finally escape the tormenting of his annoying little brother, only to run into some stupid Dragons that annoyed him even more. They didn't appreciate his sarcastic comments, however, and so ripped off his right arm for being such an a-hole. What a bunch of meanies!_

Folken sat up with a snort. Where the hell was he? Oh, right, in Fanelia. After escaping the crumbling remains of his Floating Jellyfish, he'd taken Eriya's sexy melef and blasted off to his ruined hometown since he had nowhere else to crash for the night, since the motel he'd first been at had smelled like pee and dead bodies.

He had been lying in a dark hall with colorful murals on the walls when his stupid dream had woken him up. Glancing around, he saw the burned down shells of houses, complete with charred wood and blackened rubble. This place was an even bigger dump than it had been _before_ the fire.

"Even this land of Fanelia is guarded by Dragons…" Folken mumbled, standing up, "…and was destroyed by the same hand that was born from those Dragons."

"_WHAT_?!" Everyone shouted in confusion.

"Shut up!" Folken barked irritably. "I'm trying a hand at some dark poetry, so back off!" He paused for a second. "Hah! Get it? Trying 'a _hand'_?" He wiggled his metallic arm jokingly. "Oh, forget it!" Folken moodily turned away to write more of his dark poetry before his sanity caved in.

An image of Nariya and Eriya's final goodbye suddenly popped into his head, making him even gloomier than before.

"Nariya…Eriya…" He sniffled. "You were so hot. I'll miss you!" Folken sighed and looked up at the night sky. "Will somebody tell me why…_MY_ wishes never come true?"

"Because you don't _believe_ hard enough!" Jiminy Cricket chirped, hopping up next to his feet. Folken frowned and glared down at him.

"Who the _bleep_ are you?" He asked bluntly. Jiminy chose to explain not with a speech…but with a _song_.

"_When you wish…upon a staaar…makes no difference…who you arrrre! Your He crooned before Folken lost his patience and squished him under his heel. It wasn't like anyone would miss the annoying little bugger anyway._

-Meanwhile, In Austuria-

The politicians of Austuria were gathered around a rectangular table, seated on ridiculously tall-backed chairs, and muttering about what should be done about the current situation in the city. Oy…_politics_…

"We are _not_ at war!" One man growled.

"Indeed," another agreed. "The Empire hasn't announced the abandonment of the alliance, so we should probably postpone any demands for the reparations. Does anyone understand what I just said, because _I_ sure don't!"

"I just can't DO it!" King Aston wailed in anguish. "We CAN'T go to war against Zaibach, I still LOVE him! _Uwaaaaah_!" He had to be led away to bed where he could get some rest and several "Codependent No More" books.

"Zaibach is only after _one_ thing," a man with a funny beard continued once the King had left, "and _that_ is-"

"My secret hair conditioning formula?!" Allen (do NOT ask me why _he's_ there) gasped in horror. "They'll never get it! NEVER!"

"No, you idiot!" The politicians snarled. "The girl _Hitomi_!"

"Oh." Allen blinked. "Wait, that's even WORSE! I can't get freaky with my _hair_! Don't do it!"

"If we turn over that girl," a man said, ignoring Allen and his annoying protests, "then they won't do anything further!"

"Hey, are you bastards even _listening_ to me?!" Allen yelled. "I said NO!"

"But their Floating Jellyfish has been destroyed!" Another man argued.

"That was totally NOT my fault!" Allen coughed loudly and pointed at Van, who sat next to him, trying to look cool and composed but was really dozing. Okay, what the hell are _they_ doing at this meeting? They're _idiots_!

"We should remove the source of the problem before they retaliate," the committee decided.

"Wow, that's how I fight my _blackheads_!" Allen giggled.

"Will you shut up, Allen?" Van grumbled, trying to get some shut-eye. "If you haven't noticed already, no-one is _listening_ to you."

"_What_?" Allen hissed, eyes narrowing. "Well, we'll see about THAT!" He leapt up onto the table, took a deep breath, and shrieked "_PENIS_!" as loud as he could.

The entire hall went deadly silent. Everyone stared at Allen in shock at his latest outburst.

"Does he do this often?" Dryden, who was there with them, leaned close to Van to whisper.

"Do _what_?" Van snorted. "This is how he _always_ acts."

"If you hand over Hitomi to them," Allen declared, now that everyone's attention was centered on him, "they'll use her awesomely cute looks _against_ us! Gaea may very well be destroyed! Along with my chances of scoring with her! Now, I don't really give a hoot about Gaea, but when you get in the way of my booty-gettin', then it gets _personal_!" He ended the speech with a dramatic pose, his chest thrust out and fists on his hips, eyes wide and defiant.

An empty bottle flew from the crowd and bonked him on the head.

"Seriously, someone shut him up!" The politicians grumbled. "_Rabble rabble rabble_!" They all began arguing amongst themselves like, well, like stupid annoying politicians, that's what! And my apologies to any politicians reading this.

In a room away from all the commotion, King Aston lay recovering abed with the ever-vigilant Millerna at his side, tending her ailing father.

"Don't worry, daddy!" Millerna sang. "I'll make you _aaaaalllllll_ better! Here, drink this! I made it myself!" She shoved a devilish concoction into his face that had eyes and a mouth, and quite possibly its own heartbeat.

"_Killlll meeee_…" the thing hissed piteously. "_Killlll meeee_!"

"Oh GOD! Someone save me!" King Aston sobbed, but alas, no-one was there to hear his pleas for help. Serves him right! Going back into the abusive relationship! Get a restraining order, ya dumbass!

"_Everyone shut up_!" Dryden roared, slamming his hands down on the table to restore order to the meeting. Everyone quickly clammed up except for Allen, who opened his mouth to say something that was most probably stupid. "I KNOW where you hide your porn," Dryden said quietly, "and I have a full tank of gas in my closet."

Allen quickly closed his mouth with a whimper, then sat down obediently and stared straight ahead in silence. Dryden observed him for several seconds before continuing to make sure there would be no more interruptions.

"The people of Austuria will _not_ be satisfied even if we _do_ give Hitomi to Zaibach…" Dryden explained, his dark glasses twinkling in the dim candlelight. "The people lost homes and family in the unprovoked attack, not to mention their dignity. Therefore, in King Aston's stead, I, Dryden, hereby decree that on accordance with the alliance of our neighboring countries, economic sanctions be opposed against Zaibach."

There was a brief silence.

"Wait, _what_?" Allen screwed up his face in confusion. "I thought we were gonna war their asses into the ground!"

"We _are_." Dryden sighed. "That was just a fancy-smancy way of saying it."

"Oh." Allen couldn't understand if that was good or bad yet.

"_Gwaaaah_!" Van jerked awake, smacking Allen in the face with a flailing arm and looking around wildly. "Oh, God! I was having this _horrible_ nightmare where we went to war against Zaibach! Thank _goodness_ it was just a dream!"

There was another awkward silence.

"_EFFFFFF_." Van squeezed his eyes shut. "Knock me out again, will you?"

"Certainly!" Allen was more than happy to oblige and so punched the young man out. As Van swam back into unconsciousness, he began remembering when he was a little kid at Fanelia, surrounded by muttering adults.

"Folken's a coward!" One man growled. "He ran away from the right of the Dragon slaying!"

"Damn straight!" Van heartily agreed.

"He's a coward who ran away from his country!" Another man grumbled.

"_Hell_ yeah!" Van cheered, hopping up and down. "That's my loser brother, all right!"

-Later-

Hitomi and Merle sat quietly in the hall outside the council room, sharing a couch flanked with prissy Austurian guardsmen and trying not to kill each other. It was quite awkward for the two of them.

"So…" Merle said, trying to fill up the uncomfortable silence, "…you slept with anyone lately?"

_Smack_!

"Shut up, Merle!" Hitomi growled. The prissy soldiers were all silently rooting for Hitomi, as Merle had annoyed them all earlier and they couldn't stand the little brat. Just as the two were about to spring at each other, the council room doors opened with a loud creak, and Van and Allen trudged out, looking tired and bored.

"_Squeee_! Lord Van!" Merle squealed with glee (as you can see…AGH! _Rhyme_!) and made a dash for him. Van, luckily, saw her coming.

"Oh, _bleep_!" He quickly grabbed the prissy soldier standing beside him and shoved him in the way of the oncoming hell-cat, using him as a convenient body-shield. Let's just say that poor soldier would never again have what we would call a _human face_. "Sucker!" Van chuckled, then dropped the bleeding soldier now that the attack was over. Allen frowned at Van and Merle, then turned to Hitomi, holding out his arms.

"Come! Throw yourself into my muscular, manly arms, my love!" He sang and waited for several seconds. "…Okay, _seriously_, hurry it up, I can't keep them up like this forever."

"The only thing I'm throwin' at you is my _seething hatred_!" Hitomi glared at him as he began to sweat in exhaustion, his arms trembling with exertion. "Now just tell me how it went!"

"_Well_," Allen began, finally putting his arms back down and wiping his brow, "Dryden _still_ needs to wash that untamed jungle he calls hair, and there was this one guy in there with a goatee-sideburn combo that just screamed '_trim me_!' Oh, and this other guy was wearing a green vest with _yellow_ britches. _YELLOW_!"

"That's _not_ what I meant." Hitomi said tightly. The other politicians suddenly emerged from the council room and passed by, giving Hitomi dirty looks on their way down the hall. She bristled angrily at their glares, pissed at being looked at like she was the one responsible for everything.

"What the _bleep_ are YOU dickweeds lookin' at?!" She hollered, stomping toward them, body swaying and head bobbing with attitude. "Y'all bettah move along, before I bust someone in da FACE!" The men quickly scuttled away in fear, leaving Hitomi to 'ha-rumph' at their departing backs and dust off her hands.

"Trying to starve them out won't do any good!" Van declared out of the blue, making everyone look at him in surprise. "Let's face it," he grumbled moodily, "Folken ran away again. Everything is _his_ fault. My mind is made up. Hell, it was made up a long-ass time ago. I _will_ kill Folken." Van paused and looked at the camera. "_Damn_ that felt good."

"What are you saying, Van?" Hitomi argued, frowning. "You get sick when you have to squish a spider, and most of the time you make _me_ do it! You can't kill your brother!"

"As Fanelia's King, I'm gonna avenge my people!" Van said passionately.

"Uh, ya don't _have_ to…" a few Fanelian ghosts floating next to him admitted. "It's alright, you know. We've forgiven Folken, so-"

"Shut up!" Van rounded on them, brandishing a Dirt Devil threateningly. "Say I can kill him! _Say it_!" His finger hovered above the 'on' switch.

"Eeeek! Alright!" The ghosts retreated in fear. "You can! You can kill him!"

"That was easy, now wasn't it?" Van asked innocently, putting the vacuum away. He turned and started down the hall.

"Van, wait!" Hitomi went after him. "You _can't_! You two are _brothers_! You shouldn't think like that! You should think about going to Chucky Cheese's with him, not putting him in the ground!" Merle chased after the stubborn boy-King, sticking her tongue out at Hitomi as she went. Allen quickly clapped a hand on the psychic girl's shoulder to stop her from going after his competition.

"Hitomi-" He began before he was elbowed in the face and went flying backward in a spray of blood.

"Back OFF!" Hitomi barked, still ticked off about the annoying politicians and Van's stupidity. She was in no mood for Allen's perverted antics. Hitomi turned and watched sadly as Van walked down the hall, bumped into the doorframe, grumbled, then walked through, rubbing the red bump on his forehead. "It's as if death and killing don't _matter_ to him anymore."

"When did it _ever_?" Allen gurgled from the floor, his face covered in blood. "Oh, my beautiful nose…! Listen, it's a fine thing to believe in your dreams, but I'll have to lock you away in a birdcage before long."

It happened.

Hitomi snapped.

"_What the hell did you just say to me, ass-wipe?! How DARE you_!!"

Allen was so dead. Everyone please cheer now.

-Even Later-

Hitomi sat on her bed in her room at the palace, unable to sleep even though it was the ungodly hours after midnight. It wasn't because of Allen's drunken rage party going on in the next room (complete with flashing lights and annoying techno music), or even the burning stare of her Magical Traveling Gym Bag, which sat on a desk in front of her bed, eyes locked on her and muttering threats under its breath. No…it was because this was the same room in which she'd been kidnapped by the Gekkomen so long ago, and she wasn't too keen on being taken AGAIN, since she was getting really, really sick of it by now.

This train of thought made her think of Nariya, their arguments and tussles, and the last time she'd seen the sexy cat-lady, leaving with her sister to go help her beloved Lord Folken.

"Nariya believed in Folken to the end…" Hitomi thought to herself. "Van's big brother…I wonder if he's just as retarded? I sure hope not. Huh?" She looked up in surprise as the weirdest howling noise sounded from right outside her window. "Wolves?" Hitomi frowned.

Under the windowsill, the Unseen Forces tried to stifle their giggles and made the loud howling sound again, long and irresistible.

"What? Someone's _calling_?" Hitomi pulled out her pink pendant and looked at it in confusion. Text suddenly began scrawling over the pendant, making Hitomi gasp in anger. "What? A _text_ message?! I don't get those for free! Plus I've used up all my anytime minutes! Whoever is paging me better pay my damn bill!"

-With Van-

Van, at the moment, was stupidly walking alone outside the large city of Palace, just asking to be raped and/or mugged. Perhaps he was relying on his natural defense of peeing himself at times of danger to deter any robbers or rapists. Hell, it would deter me! Anyway, he was walking along quite pleasantly until…

_Arrrrroooooooooooo_!

Van screeched to a halt.

"Okay, I'm turning back now." He stated matter-of-factly. Well, too bad! You can't! It's in the script that you keep going! "Screw the script, and screw you. I'm _not_ doing it." Van growled. We'll just see about _that_!

_POOF_!

Van was now wearing a pink, frilly dress, complete with a bow in his hair and high-heels.

"I hate you." He remarked. Yeah, yeah, just keep walking, Princess Peach. Van sighed but relented. Several seconds later, the dress changed back to his usual raiment, except he still had the bow in his hair, which he didn't notice. Shhh! _Wink_!

"Van, I presume?" A voice asked from the bushes.

"IEEEEE!" Van leapt back in surprise, just barely keeping himself from wetting his pants. "No, Jason Bourne! Of course it's me! Who the hell are you, a gremlin?! Make sure not to eat anything after midnight! And stay away from water!"

"Very funny, brat." A short, shriveled old beast-man with a long white beard stepped out of the trees, dressed in robes and carrying a staff. He raised a frazzled eyebrow at Van's choice of headwear (the bow) but decided it wasn't any of his business if the new King of Fanelia was a cross-dresser.

"Are you the one who called me?" Van asked impatiently, crossing his arms.

"Yes. I have a message from pack-leader Ruhm." The old beast-man nodded.

"Oh, Ruhm! You mean the friendly beast-man who kindly gave Hitomi and I a ride in his wagon in Episode Two!" Van looked at the camera and smiled cheesily.

"…Who on earth are you speaking to?" The old beast-man asked, frowning.

"Er, nothing."

"Anyway, yes, _that_ Ruhm." The old beast-man chewed on his lips, trying to remember the message. "He says Folken is waiting for you in Fanelia, and…you're still a pansy, and…you better be treating that girlie from the Messed-up Moon nicely."

"_What_?!" Van snarled, not having heard anything past 'Folken'. "That bastard!" This instantly sparked a flashback of his childhood once again, so here we go!

-Flashbaaaaaack!-

Little child Van sat on a small horse, riding next to Balgus, who rode on a huge stallion. The grizzled warrior was desperately trying to teach Van how to ride properly.

"Kid, you're _hopeless_!" Balgus finally declared, throwing his hands up in despair. "You ride like a sack of potatoes! A sack of _retarded_ potatoes."

"Wow, thanks!" Van grinned stupidly.

"That's _not_ a compliment, dumbass." Balgus sighed. "Now gimme that bow. You are hereby banned from using it ever again after shooting that Unicorn."

"But there's plenty more of 'em!" Van protested.

"That was the _last_ one!" Balgus sputtered. "Now they're _extinct_! Thanks to _you_!"

"Yeah, well they were pretty _gay_ anyway…" Van grumbled to himself, handing over his bow and arrows. Balgus snatched them away, then glared at a gaggle of men muttering to themselves in an alley.

"Rumor has it Folken ran away and left the country to join some Vampire-Satanic cult!" One man whispered. "We all knew he was a little goth, but nobody expected him to go _that_ far!"

"I had a feeling he was too young," another added, "and too eager to get away from his dumb little brother. Plus that big guy with the ridiculously huge sword isn't much better-"

"What about Betty, _huh_?!" Balgus roared, charging the group of men with his steed and nearly trampling them in the process. "I won't have that kind of talk about my beautiful sword!" The men ran off, covered in horse tracks and sobbing in fear. Balgus trotted back to Van and looked at him seriously. "Don't worry, Prince Van. My sword is awesome and nothing they can say will change that."

"Uh, but what about my dumb _brother_?" Van asked.

"Who, him?" Balgus guffawed. "Oh, no-one gives a _bleep_ about him! Now, God give me strength…" Balgus took a deep breath, inhaling noisily through his nostrils as he steeled himself for the hell ahead. "Let's go practice your swordplay."

"_Wheee_!" Van cheered happily. Maybe he could use Merle as a moving target again. Joy!

-Flashback's Oveeeeer!-

Van ran like a lunatic through the forest, crashing through low bushes and being bitch-slapped by hanging tree branches. Suddenly his foot got jammed in a tree root and he tripped and went tumbling head-over-heels through the woods until he rolled into the road, a bruised and battered mess. Gingerly picking himself back up, Van sighed in relief as he saw the outskirts of the city close by. He was almost there!

"_Uraaaah_!" He groaned. "Desire to kill stupid bastard brother stronger than pain! Hulk smash!" He began limping toward the city as fast as he could. After a few moments…

"Hmm! Coward senses, tingling!" Van screeched to a halt, getting ready to empty his bladder if necessary. "Wh…who's there?! Come out! I'm not afraid of you! Just please don't hurt me!" He gripped the handle of his sword tightly, making it rattle in its sheath as he trembled in fear.

Hitomi stepped out from behind a tree.

"Oh, thank GOD!" Van wheezed, collapsing to the ground as his terrified limbs gave out. "It's just _you!_ I thought it was somebody important!"

"Hey!" Hitomi glared. "Well at least I don't wear frilly bows!"

"Wear what?" Van scowled and touched his head. "Wh-what the _eff_ is thi- oh, DAMMIT!"

-The Next Morning, at the Windmill-

"The Escaflowne's _vanished_!" Allen gasped aloud, stomping his foot as he stared into the dimly lit confines of the large windmill-barn. Indeed, it was quite empty, the melef's usual resting place vacant but for a scrap of paper with "Later, losers!" scribbled on it. Allen huffed. "And _just_ when I'd gotten this awesome new cape for it! Oh, _fiddlesticks_!"

"Smart move, boy…" Dryden thought to himself, eyeing the neon pink with yellow smiley faces cloth. Aloud, he said, "What was he _thinking_ at a time like this?"

Merle scuttled around the windmill, desperately searching for any sign of her missing man.

"Lord Vaaaaaan!" She called out in dismay. "Where are you? Grr! I smell Hitomi's work in this! She just _can't_ keep her hands off my man!"

_CRASH_!

Everyone whirled around at the tumultuous sound coming from outside the building. The ruined remains of a carriage, one wheel spinning haphazardly, lay in a jumbled mess on the road. Gaddess, who had been the one driving the damn thing and so it explained the crash, managed to crawl from the wreckage and stand up, despite the blood seeping from a cut on his forehead.

_BANG_!

The door of the ruined carriage smashed open, Millerna kicking her way free of the rubble and amazingly unhurt.

"That is the LAST time I ask you to drive me anywhere!" She screeched at Gaddess.

"Hey, I WARNED you!" He shot back. Millerna rolled her eyes, checked to see that her boobs were unharmed, then flung herself at Allen.

"Oh, Allen!" She wailed, grabbing hold of his arm. "Have you seen Hitomi? I've been trying to annoy her all morning but I can't find her _anywhere_! Just in case she's dead or something," here she crossed her fingers, "I've had her roomed cleaned out!"

Back in Hitomi's room, her Magical Traveling Gym Bag lay alone on her bed, seething with indescribable rage at being left behind _again_.

"The bitch is dead." It stated in a dead-pan tone.

"Hey, you don't suppose they're-" Dryden began to say.

"ELOPING?!" Allen gasped. "That _whore_! She said she loved me!"

"No she didn't." Dryden, Millerna, Merle, and Gaddess said all at once.

"Okay, she didn't," Allen admitted, "but what _else_ could they have run away from?"

"You," everyone answered. Then Merle gasped.

"You don't suppose that Hitomi might have seduced Lord Van, do you?!" She squeaked. Note: I did not change this line in the _slightest_.

"I saw them last night!" The Moleman declared from the shattered remains of the carriage, weakly raising a bloody hand in the air.

"How the hell did _you_ get here?!" Gaddess growled.

"I was under the carriage," the Moleman answered.

"Just one more question," Allen said. "Do you have a death-wish?"

"Is it true?! Tell me it's true!" Millerna grabbed hold of the mortally injured Moleman and shook him vigorously. "Is Hitomi really gone? _Tell meeeee_!"

"Aaaaugh! Oh God, please stop!" The Moleman sobbed in pain. Merle shoved the spoiled Princess away and pulled the Moleman to his feet. "Oh, THANK you!" He whimpered.

"You're welcome," Merle said pleasantly. Then she also began shaking him even harder. "Are you _sure_?! Did you really see those two _together_?! Answer me!"

"Yes, yes!" The Moleman yelled. "Stop or else I'll get brain damage!" The others watched, dumbfounded.

"No!" Allen sniffled, looking up at the sky with tears in his eyes. "It looks like I really _did_ need that birdcage! And a shock-collar and a set of handcuffs, too!" He paused. "_Ooh_. Handcuffs." He pulled out a note pad and jotted it down.

-With Hitomi and Van-

Hitomi and Van were (thankfully) far away from the rest of the crew, flying on the Dragon-mode Escaflowne to Fanelia with Van in the front seat and Hitomi clinging to him from behind.

"Maaaaaan," Van complained loudly, "why'd you have to come along? You ruin _everything_, Hitomi! I don't know why I let you talk me into this!"

"I _didn't_ talk you into this," Hitomi reminded him, "I _beat_ you into this."

"Oh, right." Van gingerly touched his fresh wounds.

"Don't worry, anyway."

"Huh?" Van glanced over his shoulder at Hitomi.

"You got a message from Ruhm, right?" She looked at him, hair blowing in the wind. "The beast-man that-"

"No need, I already filled them in," Van interrupted, pointing at the camera.

"Oh, okay." Hitomi cleared her throat. "Anyway, is Folken such a liar that he would even get your own _friends_ to help him?"

"Yes," Van answered immediately.

_Smack_!

Hitomi slapped the back of his head.

"Look, it'll make sense when you see him, alright?"

"Quit yelling in my ear!" Van whined, suddenly all pissy. "It hurts!"

"What?!" Hitomi's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I'll SHOW you what hurts! Come here!"

"Eeek!"

_Wham!Bash!Crack_!

"What a loser…" the Escaflowne mumbled.

"I'll keep my word," Van finally agreed, sporting new bruises and broken bones. "Just like I promised, whether it's to a-hole Allen or the Messed-up Moon, I'll bring you back safely. I'm not going to let you down."

"Oh…Van…" Hitomi was touched at Van's kindness. Then he leaned in and tried to kiss her.

_SMACK_!

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Hitomi demanded angrily.

"What?!" Van sputtered, clutching his bleeding nose. "I thought we were having a moment there!"

"We WERE, until you ruined it!" Hitomi shot back.

"Told you he was a loser…" the Escaflowne snorted.

-Far Away in Zaibach-

In the huge factory in Zaibach, several sorcerers in a football huddle watched as a small globe began glowing for some significant reason that we, the audience, don't know.

"The shadows of the loser Dragon and the girl from the Messed-up Moon have overlapped!" One muttered.

"I detect no irregularities in the fate density," another commented.

_Buuuuuurt_!

"Yeah, _real_ cool, guys," Dornkirk snapped, watching the crew from his large throne. "Who the hell had a burrito for lunch?" All the sorcerers raised their hands. "Fine, never mind! Folken's plan is still working, so don't worry. Our new future is at hand! One with lots of booty and hot ladies! Woot! Folken's Jellyfish has been destroyed, and he totally kicked me off his friends list on his Myspace. I'll get him for this, the jerk! Aren't I right, guys?" He looked at the other sorcerers.

They weren't even listening, having turned back to their football huddle and ignoring their master. Dornkirk chewed on his moustache, then punched a button and dropped all his subordinates into a pool of cream cheese.

"Um…was that supposed to kill us?" A sorcerer asked, standing waist-deep in the creamy goo.

"Oh, heaven's no!" Dornkirk looked appalled. "I'm just trying to make you mildly uncomfortable- of COURSE I'm trying to kill you, you idiots! Are you telling me that not _one_ of you is allergic to cream cheese?!"

"…No." All the sorcerers answered hesitantly.

"_Dammit_!" Dornkirk banged his fist against his armrest, accidentally hitting his controls and making his wheelchair shoot forward and smash into a wall.

"So…" The sorcerers in the cream cheese stood around awkwardly. "Who's up for tacos?"

-Elsewhere in Zaibach-

In another building in the industrial city of Zaibach, all the Generals were having a meeting about how much Van sucked for kicking their asses so much. And when I mean _all_ the Generals, I do mean that Adelphos is there. Heaven have mercy.

"Those pathetic upstarts in Austuria are turning on us, along with our allies!" Adelphos cried, trying to get people to actually listen to him. "And have I told you all that it's less than a month before The Real World: Sydney is debuted? I've got my twelve Tivo's ready!"

"Only about a million times, so shut up!" The goggle-eyes General bellowed. "We must focus on more _important_ stuff, like how the Emperor doesn't seem to be making the slightest move!"

"Uh, perhaps it's due to the fact that he's an _idiot_." Another General commented.

"Oh. I see your point." The goggled-eyed General blinked, even though you couldn't really see his eyes. Yeah…moving on!

"But the alliance is nothing but a mindless mob," a sneaky-looking General sneered, swirling the liquid in his wineglass. "That the Emperor has done nothing merely shows that he's dumping all his responsibilities on us, the Four Generals, _the lazy son of a pig_."

There was an awkward pause.

"I think that's the _wine_ talking," the sneaky General gulped nervously.

"Damn drunkard!" Adelphos huffed, rolling his eyes. "You should be broadcast throughout the entire nation on the Real World with your problem, not here in the conference room, for goodness sakes!" He stormed out of the room.

General Adelphos came out of the conference room and into an open area with a beautiful green garden. There were trimmed hedges and small dirt paths, and a pretty young girl wandering amongst the greenery. She was tall and skinny, had short blond hair, and wore a green dress.

"_Whoa_!" Adelphos gasped when he caught sight of the girl. "Who's _that_ cutie? She's almost as hot as Trishelle!"

The girl stared around the garden in a daze, seemingly autistic or remarkably like Van. She knelt down among the grass, curiously picked up a snail, then began slowly bringing it to her mouth to try and _eat_ it. Adelphos watched, mesmerized.

"What's up with you?"

"No I was NOT undressing that girl with my mind!" General Adelphos blurted out, turning bright red and whirling around. The goggle-eyed General who'd come up behind him gave him a weird look, an impressive feat with his eyes covered like that.

"Dude, _teen_," he reminded, pointing at the rating for the fics.

"Oh, right," Adelphos cleared his throat. "Uh, friendship, love, happiness, and togetherness." He smiled at the camera and batted his eyelashes.

Over with the confused young girl, a sweet-looking beast-man with a dog-like face and long, wavy hair had taken hold of her hand to stop her from eating the nasty snail.

"That's not food," he said patiently, taking it away. "Here." He gave her a bowl of dog food instead.

-At Fanelia-

It was daylight in the ruins of Fanelia. Sunrays played across the desecrated houses, windmills, and broken banjoes of the hillbilly town, and somewhere deep in the remains, Folken was whistling his annoying little Fanelian tune again. The birds pecking at the sexy melef could only stand it for several seconds and so flew off to quieter places, but Fanelia itself was rather impatient.

"Will you cut that out?!" Fanelia barked at Folken. "That song is _really_ annoying! Don't you know any others, like 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' or 'I Like Big Butts' or something?!"

"How about 'Mary Had a Glass of Shut the Hell Up or You Get More _Fire'_?" Folken asked dangerously, flicking his lighter on. The ruins gulped at the small flame and backed off.

"Er…please continue…"

Standing a distance from Folken was Ruhm, the one and only crazy wagon beast-man from Episode Two. He gazed amongst the devastation, arms crossed and waiting patiently.

"D'ya think he'll come?" He asked quietly.

"No doubt about it," Folken assured, putting his lighter away. "That loser can't miss this chance to kill me. Plus the Unseen Forces _always_ have their way."

"Maybe you're right about that…" Ruhm mused. Several seconds later a loud _thud_ was heard, followed by an even louder 'Mother-_bleep_er!'. He and Folken turned to see the Escaflowne, still in Dragon mode, swearing up a storm and clutching its foot, which it had hit against a stray building as it was flying. Hitomi and Van were on its back, trying to contain their laughter.

"Shut up, you two!" The temperamental Guymelef snarled. Finally getting over the pain, the Escaflowne swooped around Folken and Ruhm, its updraft messing up Folken's bangin' mullet.

"Hello, _loser_!" Van called tauntingly. Folken ignored him and instead focused his attention on the girl riding behind him.

"She's quite the unknown element, alright…" he thought as he watched her. "She…_amuses_ me…" He paused for a moment. "Damn. She _does_ have nice legs."

The Escaflowne, meanwhile, had completed its circuit and so touched down in front of the goth and beast-man. Van glared at his brother and finally noticed his blatant staring at Hitomi.

"Hey! Stop it!" Van snapped his fingers, trying to distract Folken's attention. "No! No staring at my psychic girl! She's mine! _Mmmmmmine_!" He then attempted to cover Hitomi with his hands, then his body. Hitomi didn't appreciate this much and told him so in a reasonable and responsibly way.

…She hit him.

"Hey, little lady! Remember me?!" Ruhm called, waving his hands at Hitomi. Her eyes went wide and she stepped back instinctively, glancing left and right to make sure there was nothing even close to resembling a wagon anywhere near the area.

"I try not to," she admitted truthfully.

"I figured you'd still be with Van," Ruhm went on.

"Unfortunately," Hitomi sighed.

"The hell's _that_ supposed to mean?" Van asked, a hurt expression on his face. Ruhm turned to leave.

"I understand you may be a little worried-" he began.

"I'm not, actually," Hitomi interrupted. "I couldn't really care less if they slaughtered one another."

"-but leave the two of them alone," Ruhm finished. "I'm not getting involved. I might catch their stupid. These two need a few sessions with Dr. Phil, to tell ya the truth. Well, see ya later!" He gave Hitomi a final wave and walked off, leaving the brothers alone at last.

"Thanks," Folken called over his shoulder at the departing beast-man before turning and facing Van.

"Are you alone?" Van asked dangerously.

"Uh, DOI!" Folken retorted. "You see anyone _else_ 'round here? At least I didn't haul a _girl_ here like you!"

"At least I could _get_ one!" Van shot back.

"Well that lasted, like, five seconds," the Escaflowne commented.

"SHUT UP!" The two brothers hollered.

"You don't have to _yell_!" The Esca dissolved into tears.

"You honestly think I'd lay a trap for my own _brother_?!" Folken demanded.

"Ye-" Van started to say before Hitomi beat him to the punch and…punched him.

"Stop fighting, you two!" She ordered. "Kiss and make up already! You guys are making me even _more_ depressed! Brothers shouldn't fight!"

"He's no brother of mine!" Van declared, jumping down dramatically from the back of the Escaflowne to the ground. Too bad he landed awkwardly and so fell on his head. There was a loud hollow sound, making Hitomi wince and Folken snicker. Van clambered back up to his feet and drew his sword as Hitomi followed his lead and climbed off the melef.

"Look!" Van cried, gesturing at the ruined town. "Look what happened to the homeland you abandoned! This green land protected by Dragons is in _ruins_!"

"Do you hate me?" Folken asked sadly, closing his eyes. "Do you hate me, Folken, your only brother?"

"Gee, lemme ask myself that!" Van put his sword down and looked at his hands. "What do you guys think? Hmm?" He leaned close to one hand and appeared to be listening to it. "Well, I dunno, he's a nice guy. Oh, what's that?" He leaned and listened to the other one. "Yeah, you got a point there." He picked up his sword again and looked at Folken. "Yup, I hate you!" He brandished his blade menacingly at his brother. "You will pay for your crimes with this royal sword!" Van proudly declared.

"Wrong way." Folken said, not even needing to open his eyes.

"Gosh_DARNIT_!" Van had indeed been holding his sword the wrong way and quickly switched from clutching the sharp blade to holding the handle with his bleeding fingers.

"Van…" Hitomi sighed, holding her head in her hands. He was so hopeless.

Van and Folken were having a staring contest until Van blinked in surprise and sniffed at the air.

"Ew, what's that smell?" He asked, wrinkling his nose in disgust. "Hitomi, you go to Taco Bell or something?"

"NO." Hitomi glared at him.

"Really?" Van began looking around in search of the smells source. "Because it _really_ smells like something familiar. I'm fairly sure I've smelled it before. Like, something…reptilian, and annoying, and- DRAGON!"

At that instant a huge Fanelian Dragon smashed through the building between Van and Folken and roared in fury. Van immediately grabbed hold of Hitomi.

"Eat her! Eat her!" He shrieked. "She's all nice and plump! I'm all gross and stringy! Eat HER!"

"Did you just call me _fat_?" Hitomi asked scandalously.

"Oh, _please_!" The Dragon rolled his eyes. "You're, like, ninety friggin' pounds, girlie! Go eat a sandwich!"

"Make up your minds already!" Hitomi hollered, blushing.

"Who _cares_?! Let's run!" Van turned to jump on the Escaflowne and make a quick escape, but there was already a Dragon right next to the Guymelef, too! The two were doing that fist-handshake thing in greeting and laughing.

"Hey, bro!" The Escaflowne said. "Long time no see, eh? How ya been?"

"_ESCAFLOWNE_!" Van and Hitomi yelled.

"What?" The Escaflowne glared at them over its shoulder. "I'm trying to say hello to my cousin here! Can you guys keep it down?" He rolled his eyes and turned back to the other Dragon. "So, anyway-"

"Folken!" Van hissed in hatred. "This was Folken's trap all along!"

"Oh, _yes_ now!" Folken drawled. "Maybe if the Dragons were attracted to _stupid_ I would have tried it!"

"No, 'cause then _you'd_ already be dead!" Van snorted.

"Stop fighting, you idiots!" Hitomi growled. "Oh, _bleep_!" She had to run and body-slam Van out of the way to dodge a Dragon's snapping jaws.

"I can't believe they're wandering around like this after only a few months! They're like _hobos_!" Van stated into the ground. "…Have your boobs gotten bigger, Hitomi? Kinda feels like it."

"No, but my _fist_ has gotten _harder_!" Hitomi snarled, and proved it.

_Punch_!

"This way!" Hitomi hauled Van's limp body up and yanked him away as they ran off into the ruined town. The Dragons quickly followed, locked onto the scent of stupid emanating from Van. The two found shelter between burnt buildings, where the Dragons couldn't reach.

"Drop your sword, Van," Folken, doing a horrible impression of Dr. Phil, intoned.

"Whoa! Who the hell is that?" Van asked, totally freaked out. "Is that you, God?"

"No, dumbass. It's me, Folken. I'm doing what Ruhm suggested and pretending to be Dr. Phil." Folken explained. He cleared his throat and continued with the heavy, and annoying, accent. "Let go of the rage in your heart, Van, and the Dragons will go away."

"Where are you?!" Van asked suspiciously. "You really think I'll fall for that?! You're not even a _real_ doctor!" He obviously hadn't heard a word Folken had said.

"Okay, _that_ does it! Sic 'em, boy!"

"_Rooooooooar_!" A Dragon smashed though the building into their hiding place, and a high-pitched scream echoed loudly through the air.

"Whoops, sorry! You okay, girlie?" Folken asked, a bit worried.

"That was VAN!" Hitomi yelled.

"Was NOT!" Van insisted. He suddenly tripped, hit into Hitomi, and the two luckily tumbled out of the way of an oncoming pillar of fire sent from a Dragon's maw. Van now lay on top of Hitomi, staring straight into her face.

"…Hi, how's it going?" He asked.

"Get OFF me." Hitomi's eyes narrowed dangerously. Van quickly (and wisely) obeyed.

"Folken! Show yourself _right_ now!" Van cried aloud.

"Fighting solves nothing," Folken continued in the Dr. Phil voice. Hitomi gasped as a sudden vision of Folken entered her mind.

"Hey! No visions either!" Van squawked, trying to bat him away.

"Yes, I failed to slay the Dragon as part of the right to become King," Folken explained in his normal voice, "but _that_ was because after the fight and the whole arm-losing, we went for a couple of drinks at the bar and I found out he was a really cool guy. He even apologized for the whole arm thing!"

-Flashback Time! _Again_!-

A young Folken of Fanelia stood before a battered and weary Fanelian Dragon, having fought with it for hours on end over who was more badass, Jean Claude van Dam or Steven Segal. The fight was going nowhere, with Folken just as drained as his reptilian opponent, and between a fight for the two movie stars, no one really wins, do they? As Folken panted for breath, he met the gaze of his enemy, the Dragon's stare hypnotizing.

"Armless man says 'what'?" The Dragon hissed.

"What?" Folken asked instinctively.

"Gotcha!" The Dragon sprang forward, jaws snapping. Folken's right arm went _flyin'_! He crashed backwards onto the ground, clutching his bloody stump of a shoulder in pain.

"Oh! Oh, _gaaawd_!" He groaned in agony, rolling around. "And just when I got an _itch_ that side, too! The _torture_! Eh?!" He gulped and went still as the Dragon loomed over him, snarling.

"I was ready to die," Folken's voice narrated. "But…"

"You like Walker, Texas Ranger?" The Dragon suddenly asked.

"Huh…? Walker?" Folken blinked in surprise. "Uh…yeah, I guess."

"Really?" The Dragon brightened. "Because I think he's even better than the other two. In fact…"

The Dragon prattled on and on about the kung-fu cowboy, until the two were good friends and departed for the nearby bar. There Folken and the Dragon had a few rounds, still chatting away. Even the barmaid who rudely complained about Folken getting blood on everything couldn't ruin the mood, as Folken quickly got rid of her by blowing her a kiss and waggling his eyebrows seductively.

Afterward, Folken found himself alone again, since his Dragon friend had run into an ex-girlfriend of his and the two had left together, leaving Folken to deal with his missing arm. He lay on the ground, face white with pain, blood seeping from his mortal wound.

"Am I…going to live?" He asked himself. "No, not with a wound like this. At least…I'll finally be free… from Van." His eyes sagged closed, and Folken lost consciousness.

-Later, but Still in Flashback Time!-

Folken slowly came to. He was lying on a surgical table, covered in a crisp white cloth, and surrounded by strange, creepy men in long dark robes. Sorcerers, anyone? Or maybe Gregorian monks.

"Noble of the land protected by Dragons," Emperor Dornkirk's voice suddenly intoned. He was using his 'serious' voice since he wanted to trick Folken into thinking he was actually intelligent and cool. If only he knew…

"Who's there?" Folken asked weakly, squinting his eyes at the bright light beaming down on him from above.

"My name is Dornkirk," Dorny answered solemnly. "He who intends to control dessstiny with the power of the Wii- er, Atlantis!"

"The power of Wieratlantis?" Folken repeated groggily. He slowly raised his left arm to shield his eyes from the annoying glare. It had nothing on Van, though.

"You escaped death," serious Dornkirk continued, "because of the power of Atlantis that flows within you! Join me, and let us create a world free of war and full of booty!"

"Full of booty?" Folken asked, now confused.

"Oh, and we also gave you a sex change."

"_WHAT_?!" Folken sat bolt upright in panic, snatching up the sheet to see- "No you didn't! I'm still a man!"

"Tee hee! Just kidding!" Dornkirk giggled.

"Very funny!" Folken growled, then noticed his right arm. Now he had one made of metal! _Sweet_! He, however, didn't appreciate it. "What the hell did you do to my arm?!"

"Don'tcha like it, dawg?" Xzibit asked, throwing off his purple robe and struttin' up to the horrified Fanelian. "Us homies at West Coast Customs hooked you up with the most _gangstah_ arm out there!"

"Oh GOD no." The color drained from Folken's face.

"It's got hydrolics, mp3 player, computer, cell-phone, Playstation 2-" Xzibit listed.

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!!!!" Folken howled in anguish, the room turning black.

-Flashback's Finally Over!-

"Since then," Folken continued to explain, "I've learned the ways of science and horniness with Dornkirk's tutelage."

Hitomi and Van giggled.

"Tutelage," they whispered, then giggled some more.

"Shut up and listen!" Folken snapped. "I became a creepy sorcerer of the Zaibach Empire. I did it for my ideal future…and to get Dornkirk off my back, he's a real a-hole about stuff like that."

"That's still not a good enough reason to sell your soul, your country, _and_ your little brother's sanity to Zaibach!" Van shouted, still not convinced.

"Now, now. Shouting won't help," Folken scolded in the Dr. Phil voice again.

"_Roooooooooar_!"

Van and Hitomi gasped and looked up. A Dragon was perching on the wooden beams above them, a feral grin splitting its cruel face. It jumped down and the two dodged, now separated by the large and very dangerous lizard that was now situated between them.

"Van!" Hitomi cried.

"Run, Hitomi, run!" Van hollered, facing the Dragon valiantly, sword drawn. He'd finally become a man! Hitomi obeyed and swiftly ran away. "…She's got chicken wings!" Van shouted, pointing at the departing psychic girl, then turned and ran like hell in the opposite direction. I mean, seriously, did he actually fool anyone?

Hitomi, having made it outside, found a flight of stairs and dashed up them.

"Yeah, like this worked _so_ well the first time," she grumbled, remembering Yukari and Amano stupidly fleeing up some stairs to escape a Dragon. Hitomi was much smarter and so had no such hopes. As if to prove her right, a Dragon flew right over and crashed down in front of her, blocking the way.

"Er…nice Dragon!" Hitomi gulped, taking a step back. "Want me to…tell you your fortune? I'll do it for free!"

"_Really_?" The Dragon looked thoughtful at this. "'Cuz I called that Miss Cleo lady and she said my wife wuz cheatin' on me, sos then I-"

"Ugh. Looks like Van isn't the only hillbilly from Fanelia," Hitomi thought, then turned and ran.

"Oi, wait!" The Dragon called after her. "I still gots to tell ya about mah life story!"

"No way!" Hitomi only ran faster. Suddenly a hand shot out of the ruins to the side of the path and grabbed her, pulling her into the debris. Hitomi immediately took a deep breath, preparing for her natural defense: screaming 'rape!' as loud as she possibly could. Luckily a hand clapped over her mouth before she could.

"Nariya _warned_ me about that," Folken whispered into her ear, making Hitomi jump in surprise. What was he doing here? "Now just be quiet," he ordered.

"Be quiet? Is he crazy?" Hitomi thought to herself. "We're gonna be talked to death by a hillbilly Dragon here!" Right on cue, the Dragon stomped closer, looking for Hitomi.

"Girlie! Come on out!" It called out. "I still haven't told ya about my eleventeen kids! I even got pictures!"

Hitomi felt her knees go weak. She couldn't die, not like this! The Dragon came even closer, still searching. Folken continued holding Hitomi's mouth closed, and stood quietly in the shadows.

"Oh, fine," the Dragon sighed, finally giving up. "I sees you're not interested. Maybe later." It turned and shuffled off dejectedly. When it had finally disappeared from sight, Folken released Hitomi, who fell to her knees, gasping with relief.

"I want you to trust me," Folken told her while she caught her breath. "I know that this sounds strange-"

"Mo' like creepy," Hitomi muttered under her breath.

"-but I'd like to ask you for your help, Hitomi." Folken finished. "Van needs an intervention for being such an idiot."

"Isn't that obvious?" Hitomi grumbled, looking up at Folken. "You're just like Nariya, aren't you? Except for you being a man and not _nearly_ as sexy."

"Hey!" Folken protested. "I'll have you know I look ruggedly handsome in my new black tunic and robe!" True, he wasn't nearly as creepy as he was before when he had his sorcerer getup.

"You're just like her," Hitomi continued, ignoring him. "Your body was changed." She glanced at his metal, claw-like hand. "It must be hard to scratch yourself without causing yourself serious injury, huh?"

"Tell me about it," Folken grunted in agreement.

"_GWAAAAGH_!" Off on his own, Van groaned as he got whomped in the stomach by a Dragon's swinging tail. Memories of his first experience with abdominal trauma instantly came flooding back, and just like back then, he puked. Yummy! The Dragon snarled and stalked closer.

"What was that you said about my high-voice?" It asked in a girly yet dangerous tone.

"But Nariya's dead…" Hitomi said, almost to herself. "And all those people in Fanelia…and Austuria! And my sanity, too!"

"That's why we must _change_ the fate of man!" Folken said passionately. "We thirst for blood! And so it's up to all of _us_ to bring peace to Gaea! Can I get an AMEN?!" Here he loudly clapped his hands and stomped his feet like one of those crazy evangelists.

"Uh…amen," Hitomi said hesitantly, not wanting to be forcibly baptized or anything.

"Dornkirk's theories are not wrong, just stupid," Folken continued. "I _will_ learn the laws of _dessstiny_, and remake the world as I see fit, preferably retard-less. Just as the people of Atlantis once did! Er…tried to do." Hitomi gasped at this.

"But that's _not_ how changing fate is supposed to work!" She protested. "Do you not know about the _hairspray_?! _Think_, man!" An image of Nariya suddenly popped into her head.

"People respond to your feelings, right?" The apparition said.

"Hey, Nariya! How ya doing?" Hitomi asked.

"Oh, I'm good, despite being dead and all!" Nariya answered pleasantly. "They've got a great nail salon over here! Take care!" She waved and faded away, Hitomi waving back.

A Dragon's roar suddenly broke the touching scene.

"_That's_ not good," Hitomi stated, coming out of her vision-induced daze. She jumped up and ran to a nearby cliff, searching for Van, who undoubtedly was getting in some sort of trouble. Indeed, the cowardly boy-King stood at the bottom of the cliff, surrounded by three menacing Dragons, and covered in vomit AND urine. "Ew." Hitomi gagged at the smell. "Van, ya dumbass, what the heck are you doing?!" Folken stepped up next to Hitomi as she yelled.

_Whoosh_!

Folken, for no apparent reason, whipped off his shirt, displaying his manly muscular chest for all to see.

"_Holyfreakingcrapman_!" Hitomi sputtered, turning bright red as she couldn't help but notice the stark contrast of Van's spindly, thin body to Folken's much fuller and toned one. "You didn't only get the brains of the family, did you?!"

"No, I _didn't_," Folken stated proudly, then leapt dramatically off the cliff, ebony wings bursting from his back.

"Oh, you just _have_ to be _so_ cool!" Van complained, rolling his eyes at his brother.

"Folken!" Hitomi gasped, watching the man's black feathers drifting around her. "…You've got a serious mange problem there. Might wanna go see a vet about that." Folken landed gracefully in front of Van, shielding him from the snarling Dragons.

"Whoa! Sweet wings, bro!" Van gushed, staring at his brother's nifty black wings. "Did you dye them? I've always wanted to dye mine pink!"

"_Gaaaaaaaay_…" The Escaflowne's voice wafted in on the wind.

"Er, I mean, red! Macho red, like blood!" Van pounded his chest with a fist, probably giving himself a bruise in the process.

"Put your sword down, Van!" Folken ordered. "And stop being such a dumbass! Put it _down_!"

"Hey, I'm not listening to _you_, bastard!" Van clutched his sword to his chest protectively. Folken sighed and closed his eyes.

"Okay, fine. _Don't_ put it down."

"Oh, that's IT!" Van immediately dropped his sword. It clattered to the ground noisily, and the Dragons surrounding the two immediately lost interest and wandered away.

"The Dragons are leaving!" Hitomi observed.

"I know!" Captain Obvious stated beside her. Hitomi frowned and then kicked him away.

"Van…" Folken looked at his little brother from over his shoulder. "Your anger, fear, and stupidity draw the Dragons to you. Just as a drop of water causes ripples in a pond, where there is anger, fear, and stupidity, you will also find conflict."

"_WHAT_?!" Hitomi and Van blurted out.

"It…it's more of my dark poetry," Folken stammered, holding up a scrap of paper. He sighed and tucked it into his pants pocket, then looked up at the Messed-up Moon. "I _will_ change the fate of man, to create a new world free of that anger, fear, and stupidity!"

"Speaking of 'changing'," Van interrupted, "you got a clean shirt I can borrow? Mine's kinda full of puke. And pee. Oh, wait. Crap! Look out!"

-Another Freakin' Flashback! _Gawd_!-

Van sat with his big brother on his bed, staring with delight as Folken read him a bedtime story.

"Once upon a time," Folken narrated, "there was an ugly duckling. He was so ugly that everyone died. The end."

"That story was _horrible_!" Van burst into tears.

"Okay, okay! Here's another!" Folken sighed and selected another book from the shelf. He didn't feel like going through it all for his dumb little brother, so he quickly flipped to the last page and read it aloud. "…And the hero slew the rampaging Dragon and became King of all Fanelia. The flippin' End."

"But…" Van wiped his tears, screwing up his little face in confusion. "Why did he kill the Dragon? That was mean!"

"I dunno." Folken shrugged, glad he was done and could leave. "Maybe it spread rumors and talking _bleep_ about him or something. Anyway, it _is_ mean, but it's a King's destiny to kill Dragons. Now shut the hell up and leave me alone." He stood up to go.

"No, wait!" Van wailed. "That first story made me wet my diaper! You gotta change it for me!"

"You're FIVE!" Folken hollered, shoving him off. "Learn how to use the toilet like everyone else!" He ran out of the room, Van sobbing and following behind.

-That Had Better Be the Last One! Now Back to the Present-

Folken leaned over, remembering the fond/horrible memory as he picked up his brother's fallen sword.

"I wanted to lift that burden from your shoulders, Van," he explained as he straightened. "Your wussiness made me want to build a wussier Fanelia, and there was nothing I wanted more in the world than to see that new country with you. _However_!"

He violently drove Van's royal sword downward into the gound, but missed his mark and so stabbed himself in the foot. He squeezed his eyes shut and screamed through clenched teeth.

"Uh, you okay, bro?" Van asked nervously.

"_Fine_," Folken hissed through gritted teeth.

"You're, uh, bleeding pretty badly, there," Van pointed out.

"Shh! I know! Just shut up and let's finish this scene, _alright_?!" Folken was frozen in place, the tendons in his neck popping out as he strained to contain his agony. He gulped and began. "Dornkirk's methods, no, our methods placed little value in human life and more on booty. That method was wrong. And stupid. I realize that now." He looked at Van meaningfully and it would have been quite touching if his face had not been so screwed up with pain.

"Hey, you two!" Hitomi cried as she ran over. "How is-oh my GOD your foot is _gushing_!" Folken ignored her and simply held out his hand to his brother.

"Van, come with me, and together we will defeat Dornkirk, and rule the galaxy as brother and…_brother_!"

"Ew. You molt more than me." Van made a face as even more feathers drifted from Folken's black wings. Hitomi watched the two quietly.

"The brothers reunited in Fanelia," Hitomi thought to herself. "But Folken's wings have somehow become pitch black."

"_WHAT_?!" Everyone asked.

"I was just trying some dark poetry, too!" Hitomi huffed. "Never mind!"

-Episode 22 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Whew, finally! This one took forever to write because of all the stuff that's happening this week. We're having family over and we're going everywhere and doing everything, so the next episode might be a bit delayed. Sorry! Review, please!


	23. Episode 23: Stupid Premonition

Author's Note: Whew, here's the next one! It took me a little longer than usual, since we had company and I was working on several other projects at the same time. My funny was on the fritz again, so the first part is good, but then it peters down a bit at the end. Oh, well, I'll try to funny it up for you guys as best I can. Hope you like it! Later! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 23

Stupid Premonition

Recap: Folken crashes at Fanelia (literally _and_ figuratively) and tries a hand at some dark poetry while being all emo and stuff. Back in Austuria, mean ol' politicians blame Hitomi for the mess Zaibach made, which incurs her wrath and scares them off (but not Allen, as he's immune). It is decided that Austuria will got to war again Zaibach and most likely get their asses kicked. Van and Hitomi answer a call of the wild and learn that Folken is waiting for them in the ruins of Fanelia. What does he want, a game of Checkers? Van never misses a chance to kill his brother and so accepts the challenge, with Hitomi forcing him to bring her along. When Allen finds out about the two running off together, he is immediately jealous and swears to put Hitomi down in a pit where he will lower a basket with moisturizer and say, "It puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again!" _Brrr_, creepy. Meanwhile Dornkirk, back in Zaibach, does something silly and stupid, while the Four Generals have a meeting about how idiotic their leader is. Adelphos leaves the group and sees a pretty, autistic girl with an appetite for escargot. Van finally arrives at Fanelia and the two brothers immediately launch into an all-out insult war. Dragons crash the party, and Van and Hitomi run for it, but get separated on the way. Folken explains how he lost his arm, then saves the psychic girl, asking for her help. Together they go and try to get Van to stop being so dumb (I don't think _anyone's_ capable of that miracle). Folken does a strip-tease (how the hell is that supposed to help anyone?), then takes out his black wings and flies down to help Van, who is being mugged by several unruly Dragons. Van finally sees the error of his ways and the two actually begin to get along. _Awww_! And it's about time, too!

It was a brand new day in the country of Austuria. The sun shone brightly down on the roughed-up city of Palace, glittering off the Austurian Royal Sea- errrr…_Crest_! Austurian Royal _Crest_! Yes, that's it!

"Arf! Arf!" A royal seal, complete with kingly robe and a golden crown, came waddling out of nowhere, barking loudly and slapping its front flippers together with wet smacks. Oh, come ON! I didn't even _say_ 'seal'! Get out! Go see your friend Flipper or something!

A long stick appeared on the side of the screen and jabbed the marine animal in the hindquarters until it got the message and waddled off. Stupid thing…anyway! Back to the show!

"_Asylum_?" A man's voice asked. "Zaibach's Folken Strategos is entering an insane asylum?"

"…NO." Another man growled, rubbing the bridge of his nose irritably. "Folken wants to seek asylum _here_, in Austuria."

"…We have a nut-house?" The first man wondered.

"NO!" The second man snapped. "'Asylum' means he's seeking shelter here! Oh, never MIND!" A number of politicians were gathered around the rectangular table once again, muttering and mulling over this new bit of news.

"So, Folken wants to come here?" They whispered.

"Dornkirk's insanity and stupidity knows no bounds!" One man guffawed. "Plus he has _no_ fashion sense whatsoever! I mean, _curlers_?"

"It's inevitable that Gaea will see the worst disaster in her history," others muttered. "That's why he's come seeking asylum!"

"No government can trust an enemy unconditionally!" One man said loudly. "I don't want that goth-vampire freak coming here! He'll turn all the teenagers into wrist-cutting, Linkin-Park-listening-to _emos_!"

"Uh…I'm right _here_," Folken coughed politely, standing on one end of the large table. He was dressed in nice, normal robes, having abandoned his vampiric ways, and looked a lot better, too. _Whistle_! Just kidding. Prissy soldiers stood at his sides, and he played his stolen Nintendo DS while letting the politicians argue amongst themselves because he'd already done enough of that in his lifetime (with Dornkirk). "And I'll have you know," Folken went on, "I've given up on the whole goth-thing, alright? They lie, you don't get more chicks that way. And also Beyonce is more my choice of music." He then hummed several lines from the song "Beautiful Liar" whilst going back to whatever he was doing on the DS.

Dryden, who sat opposite Folken, leaned forward intently, his hands politely folded under his chin.

"Sorry, man, but they guys have good points," he explained. "This is far too premature. But then again, it _is_ Episode 23 of a 26 episode series, so we'd better hurry things up a bit, eh?"

"I understand." Folken nodded. "Of course, I come bearing gifts."

"Gifts? Oh, _please_!" A politician snorted. "As if we'd _ever_ want something you had to off-"

"How about Nintendo DS's for all of you?" Folken asked coolly. "Along with the game Animal Crossing: Wild World? Chat with friends and trade knickknacks whilst completing chores around your adorable little animal town!"

"SOLD!" All the politicians cheered.

"They're all such idiots…" Dryden sighed, shaking his head dismally.

"Come on, Dryden!" One man patted his back. "Stop being a Mister Resetti!"

-With Hitomi-

Elsewhere in the huge green-and-white palace of Palace, Hitomi stood in the doorway of her room, a bit hesitant to venture out onto her balcony, fearful that she might be kidnapped yet again or even worse, Allen might be there.

"Folken's arrival-" she began narrating.

"Get back in here, wench, and make mah dinner!" The Magical Traveling Gym Bag snarled, sitting on the psychic girl's bed.

"Shut it! Can't you see I'm narrating?" Hitomi spat back. "Don't make me use these!" She then threatened the bag with her oldest, sweatiest pairs of running socks, which stank to high heaven. _Ewww_! It definitely shut the Magical Traveling Gym Bag up, so Hitomi was able to turn back to the door and start again.

"Folken's arrival," Hitomi narrated, "changed everything. Luckily the city had room enough for one more idiot, although it was a tight squeeze since Van and Allen were hogging all the space, not to mention Merle and Millerna. It proved everyone's suspicions about how idiotic Dornkirk was, and about Zaibach."

A scene showed Folken standing at a podium before a large assembly of Austurian officials, spilling the beans, singing like a canary, dropping it like it was hot- okay, you get it, he's tattle-taleing on Zaibach, okay?

"Austuria formed an alliance with our neighboring countries," Hitomi continued, "just in case they needed a body shield. Ever notice how this country is almost _exactly_ like Allen? It's cowardly, stupid, and whorish all at the same time. The only difference is that it isn't horny for me."

"Hey, baby," Austuria suddenly cooed. "How about going back to my place and havin' some fun?"

"I take that back," Hitomi sighed, kicking Austuria in the nuts, and don't ask how she did it. "Anyway, Austuria took in Folken to obtain information on Zaibach, and also to get on Van's nerves. Hahahaha! Van still doesn't trust him, but when did he ever?"

Van could be seen in the assembly, listening to Folken's gossip. Well, he was doing more glaring that listening, but he was there, alright! The scene changed to show Folken, along with other strategists, gathered around a table and seemingly making plans and formulating strategies for the upcoming battle. Or _were_ they?

Folken's hand hovered over a small white card, sweat beading on his brow under the nerve-wracking tension. Ever so slowly, he lowered his hand and flipped the card over to reveal-

"GoshDANGIT!" Folken swore. "I've gotten this _effing_ airplane eight times in a row! _Bleep_!"

"It's not _our_ fault you suck at 'Memory'!" The other strategists sang, counting their wads of cash while Folken angrily kicked the table over.

The scene changed once again to show several flight crews working to drag up the blackened remains of Folken's ride, the Floating Jellyfish, from the ocean floor where Van had so kindly sent it. What a jerk!

"This _ain't_ a parking zone! _Geez_!" The towing crew growled.

Folken surveyed the scene, making sure everything was going smoothly, while a scribe stood at his side and scribbled down notes on paper with a quill. The feathered tip of the pen kept brushing against Folken's face, tickling and annoying him at the same time. He would not giggle. He would NOT! Badass guys didn't giggle!

"_Aaa-chooo_!"

And they didn't sneeze, either!

"Dammit, _gimme_ that!" Folken ripped the quill away from the scribe and hurled it into the sea.

The Crusade sat dismally in the Austurian docking bay, totally bored off its rocker. Heck, its underside had gone _numb_ days ago from sitting there too long with nothing to do.

"I feel ya, buddy," the Escaflowne sighed, also glued to his docking throne thing in the midst of the city. "Come on, man! Don't you have some cards or dice or _anything_?!"

"I told you, NO!" Van shouted back, perched atop the temperamental melef's head. He was attempting to clean behind the Escaflowne's ears (does it even have any?), and had absolutely no idea what he was going up against. "_Ewww_! Gawd, it's like Star Jones's closet back here! Gross, man!" Van gagged and tied his rag across his face so he wouldn't have to smell the putrid stench permeating from behind the Esca's ears. "Have you ever even _tried_ to clean back here?!"

"Nope!" The Escaflowne answered sweetly. "I saved it _aaaaall_ for you!"

"Wow, _thanks_!" Van gushed. "I've always wanted to _scrape nasty ear-scum off my bastard Guymelef's head_!" He stood up on the Escaflowne's shoulder and kicked its head viciously. This, of course, unbalanced the young King, and he went plummeting down to the hard ground below. Folken chose that exact instant to walk by and so snickered at his unfortunate brother. And stupid, don't forget stupid.

-Later-

Heavily muscled, burly men grunted loudly as they lifted beams, heaved at pulleys, and carried loads, working to construct the busted-up city back to its former glory. However, once the camera switched scenes, the men quickly dropped what they were doing and glanced at one another.

"Let's go get hammered!" One man crowed.

"_Hell yeah_!" The others answered. They all made a run for the closest bar.

Elsewhere, in the market place, kids ran around giggling and laughing and generally being annoying. Adults huddled around fires, wishing that Ty Pennington or Oprah Winfrey would show up and give them new houses, but alas, they did not appear.

In a church atop a hill, injured people gathered to be treated by the local doctors and clergymen, the large stained-glass windows practically _begging_ to be broken.

"_Man_ I wanna break those," Van thought to himself while helping Hitomi treat people's wounds. She was crouching next to him, applying a band-aid to a little boy with motherly care. The kid smiled sweetly at her, and she smiled back. Van was a whole different story.

"Hold still, you little crapper!" Van snarled, desperately trying to keep the brat from wriggling out of his grasp. "And quit crying or else I'll _give_ you something to cry about!"

"_Mommyyyyy_!" The kid wailed, tears spilling down his frightened face.

"Van! Be nice!" Hitomi commanded, punctuating her sentence with a punch to the noggin.

"Ow!" Van lost hold of the child, who scampered away, looking for his mother. "I can't help it," Van whined. "I hate kids! All they do is cry! They're so bratty, and stubborn, and stupid, and-"

"Exactly like _you_?" Hitomi interrupted, quirking an eyebrow at him.

"Touché." Van turned around and went back to work. This didn't last very long. "But wouldn't it be enough to help out at the castle shelter?"

"NO." Hitomi glared at him. "This is community service for you _swearing_ in public yesterday."

"What?! I didn't say _bleep_!" Van sputtered. "It was that _bleep_y Folken's fault! That stupid mother-_bleep_ing _bleep_!" People all around him gasped and recoiled in shock at his gratuitous use of bad language. "…I just got myself another three hours, didn't I?" Van asked dismally.

"Yes. Yes you did," Hitomi answered. "And anyway, I'm partly to blame for what happened to this city, however much I don't want to admit it."

"So why don't you just put yourself out of your misery?" Merle taunted, walking by the two with an armload of sheets.

"Oh, hey! A dime!" Van squealed with delight and bent down. His sheathed sword, which hung from his hip, shot out and hit Merle right in the ankles, tripping her quite nicely. "Nope! It's a nickel!"

"No-one _asked_ you to come along, Merle!" Hitomi glared at the annoying cat-girl's prone figure. "It's like you'll annoy us to the ends of the earth!"

"Yeah, right! Like I'd leave you alone with Lord Van again, you strumpet!" Merle snarled, jumping back up. "You'd probably do the nasty with him right here in this church!"

"Why you…!" Hitomi and Merle squared off, facing each other and ready to fight. Van immediately held up a 'Go Hitomi!' sign and whistled loudly. The Moleman came waddling by and once again had awful, _awful_ timing.

"Hey, ladies!" He called. "What's shakin'?"

"SHUT UP! PERVERTED OLD MAN!" Both girls went for him as everyone let out disappointed sighs. No cat-fight today!

"That was interference!" Van complained. "No goal!" Merle and Hitomi ignored him, and continued to pound the Moleman into an unrecognizable pulp. Hitomi suddenly froze mid-swing and whipped around to stare at the door, the hair on the back of her neck standing straight up.

"Millerna senses…tingling!" She whispered. "Oh, no! She's here!"

Indeed, she was. Outside the church, a royal carriage had arrived, carrying the Princess Millerna out of the palace and to the countryside.

"Thank you for coming all the way here, Princess!" An elderly pastor stammered. "You grace us with your stupidi- er, presence!"

"And speaking of presents," Millerna giggled, "I've brought some of my own!" She climbed out of the carriage, followed by Dryden and Allen. Millerna grabbed both their arms and squeezed them tight. "Look, we're a hotty sandwich!"

"More like an _idiot_ sandwich," Dryden thought to himself, trying to pull away.

"Aaaanyway," Millerna continued, "I'll do _anything_ I can to help those with such hardship! Except dishes, laundry, or washing. I was just at the salon!" She held up her hand and displayed her sparkling fingernails. Everyone 'oohed' and 'ahhed' and them, while Merle and Hitomi made gagging noises. "But I _will_ treat some of the-"

"Look, Milly! A butterfly!" Dryden quickly distracted her.

"_What_?! _Where_?!" Millerna took off like a rocket after the pretty insect and ended up running head-first into a tree. Several seconds later Allen too ran into the same tree.

"Works every time." Dryden chuckled.

Meanwhile, people were busy unloading boxes of food from the wagons that had accompanied Millerna's carriage. Among the civilians helping out were Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who went after the children with a vengeance.

"Who wants to be adopted?" Angelina called, and the children all screamed and ran away. Luckily the soldiers around the church were able to beat the two away and drive them off.

"Ooh! Yummy!" Merle mewled, shoving a kid over and stealing his packet. She hastily unwrapped it and took a huge bite. "_Delicious_!"

"Uh…you do know that's food for the animals, right?" The kid asked, sitting up from the ground.

"Why d'ya think I'm _eating_ it?" Merle growled around her mouthful, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Oh, just shut up and help!" Hitomi scolded, moving past her to help dole out the food. Millerna, now sporting a white bandage on her forehead, was busy handing out treats from a wicker basket to the children gathered around her.

"Here you go, kiddies!" She sang.

"Wow, thanks!" A little boy said. He took a package and peeked inside. "Hey! What the _bleep_! This is moisturizer! And anti-aging cream! I can't eat this!"

"Isn't it great?" Millerna tittered, kneeling in front of the boy. "They'll get rid of those little baggies under your eyes!"

"You mean the bags caused by _hunger_?" The little boy shot back, but Millerna had already moved on and wasn't listening. "What a dumb blonde!" He tossed the cosmetics over his shoulder and wandered away.

Dryden was resting by the church wall, leaning his weight onto a wooden crutch tucked under one arm. Van, standing beside him, glanced at it curiously.

"What's with the crutch, man?" He couldn't help but ask.

"Oh, don't worry, I'm fine," Dryden whispered, winking. "I'm just using it to get some sympathy sex from Millerna."

"Has it worked?"

"…No." Dryden heaved a sigh.

"Hey, you know something, Dryden?" Van quickly steered the conversation in a different, more appropriate direction (plus he was getting a little queasy). "Zaibach may attack while we're doing this. Or during our Guymelef wash fundraiser next week. Or while we're tying our shoes. Or on the can. Good GOD man, we're not safe _anywhere_!" He began hyperventilating loudly, which incited disturbed looks from several passers-by.

"Calm down," Dryden soothed. "Things aren't half as bad as you think they are. Not _everyone's_ out to get you."

Suddenly an arrow shot out of nowhere and buried itself in the wall an inch above Van's head. The two stared at it awkwardly.

"That…happens sometimes," Dryden said slowly.

Two more arrows joined the first, one on each side of Van's head.

"But then again, you _are_ the hero," Dryden sighed, giving up.

"Well," Van began, stepping away from the deadly arrows, "if you don't run away- er, I mean, stand and fight like a man, then you're just waiting to be killed. That's my philosophy, anyway."

"Gee, _thanks_." Dryden rolled his eyes at Van's 'wisdom'. "I'll log _that_ away. Here's some advice: never become a philosophy teacher. You cowards are a strange bunch. Can't you think of any other way than _running_?"

"Zaibach's gonna destroy Gaea, just like they did Fanelia!" Van growled, getting worked up. "It was like a home barbecue before, but now it'll be like the whole _neighborhood_ is invited!"

"I know it's tough, but you gotta try and not let it get you down, Van," Dryden said, turning and hobbling away.

"You mean 'down' like _this_?!" Van snapped, jumping forward and kicking at Dryden's crutch. Pain instantly exploded in Van's foot, and he yowled in agony and clutched it, hopping up and down to keep his balance. "Oh, _eff_! It hurts! What the _hell _is that thing made of, man?!"

"This is hand-carved black ironwood," Dryden laughed. "What kind of fool do you think I am?" He had had the crutch specially made from the world's strongest wood, and his suspicions had been proven true as Allen had already tried to kick his crutch out from under him over a dozen times.

"AAAAIIEEEEEEE!" Merle shrieked, running for her life as a mob of rabid children chased her around the yard.

"I wanna pet the kitty!" One girl cried.

"No, I do!" Another argued.

"Let's grab it tail!" A boy suggested.

"And tug on its ears!" They all squealed.

"Help meeeee!" Merle wailed. Everyone pretended not to hear.

"Would you look at that…" Hitomi mused, watching as Merle lost her footing and went down in a heap, the children leaping on her like wolves on a fallen deer. "Glad I'm not her."

"Merle understands what they're going through," Van began to explain.

"Wait!" Hitomi interrupted. "You're not going to tell me Merle's life-story, are you? Because I _don't_ wanna hear it."

"Well neither do I," Van stated, "but we have to get this scene over with."

"Oh, alright." Hitomi sighed and slumped miserably.

"All those children over there have lost their families," Van continued in a sad, sympathetic voice. "Merle did, too, after they abandoned her for being so darned annoying. I wonder if war…will make more kids like that. I sure hope not, because I'm pretty positive the world can only stand _one_ Merle at a time."

"Amen," Hitomi murmured, glad story-time was over. She walked closer to Van, holding a basket. "So, Van, what kind of games did you and Folken play when you were little?"

"Oh, the usual," Van answered with a shrug. "'Kill the Brother', 'Shoot the A-hole', that was a good one, 'Smother Your Sibling With a Pillow', you know."

"Err…" Hitomi stepped back nervously.

"Well," Van said blandly, "I gotta go take a dump. Later." He walked off without a second glance.

"Talk about tactless," Hitomi muttered, watching him go.

"HITOMI!" Someone shouted.

"Huh?" Hitomi jumped in surprise and turned to see an enraged Allen rushing over toward her like Lyndsay Lohan's vehicle.

"Hitomi, why are you here?!" Allen demanded angrily. "You should be back at the palace, in my bathtub, waiting for me to get back so you can-"

_BRR-ZAAAAAAP_!

Allen went down in a twitching heap as 70,000 volts of electricity coursed through his body. Hitomi glared down at him and switched her pocket tazer off.

"Shut up, a-hole!" She hollered. "Everyone's helping out here, and I couldn't just sit on my ass and _not_ help!"

"How could you leave the castle?" Allen growled through gritted teeth, his legs going every which way as his body jerked around from the electrical current running through him. "Don't you know how important you are to the well-being and future of Gaea, but more importantly, my sex life?! You're _always_ leaving me without asking, like when you went to Fanelia with that loser V-"

_BRR-ZAAAAAAP_!

Allen got another dose of the tazer.

"Be _quiet_!" Hitomi barked. "You're not the boss of me, and that's none of your business!"

"You'd better not be cheating on me!" Allen threatened.

"Cheating?" Hitomi asked in a dangerously soft tone. "_CHEATING_?! How can I _cheat_ on you when we're not even together, _huh_?! Chinese riddle for you, dumbass!" She gave him one final zap and then stormed away.

"Oh yeah…" Allen thought as his flailing body almost did disco. "She digs me."

-Later-

Hitomi strode away from the church, still irritable and in a foul mood. To make matters worse, some lady was playing a piano and singing her theme song all the while, not giving Hitomi any peace and quiet.

"What's up _his_ butt?" Hitomi muttered, thinking back to Allen being a jerk. Well, he was always a jerk, but that last thing he'd said had really ticked her off. She stopped walking and glanced back at the church over her shoulder. "Maybe I should take up Jujitsu…" she wondered. She looked up at the sky and sighed.

"Will you knock it OFF?!" She hollered, spinning around to glare at a woman seated at a piano. The lady stopped singing and stared at her in surprise. "I'm just not in the mood right now, _okay_? Maybe some other time."

"Alright. Sorry." The lady shrugged and dragged the piano away, leaving nothing but chirping birds and crickets.

"That's better!" Hitomi said once she was gone. "Now…" She crouched down in track position, hands touching the ground, bum in the air-

_WHISTLE_! Everyone in the church had a prime view of Hitomi's behind and so voiced their opinions.

"CAN IT!" Hitomi yelled back at them. "_Men_," she muttered, turning a bright red. She silently counted to three, then shot off her mark and went sprinting down the road. Whoo! Go, Hitomi, go! But be careful not to snap your ankle like in the first episode!

Suddenly it was evening, and Hitomi was racing through the streets of Austuria, lit afire with the orange sunset. Hitomi now wore a skimpy tank-top and short-shorts (_damn_, girl!), and finally ground to a halt at a fountain and stopped to catch her breath. Several Olympic runners ran by her in slow-motion and broke through a ribbon while that annoying inspirational music from Chariots of Fire began to play. Hitomi swatted them away in annoyance.

Nearby, Folken was watching the enigmatic (and violent, don't forget violent) psychic girl from the shadows. …That's _kinda_ creepy. Perhaps he was mesmerized by her shapely legs! Hell, I'd be, and I'm a girl! Anyway, as Hitomi caught her breath, Folken approached.

"Do you miss your homeland?" He asked, drawing near. Hitomi blinked in surprise and looked at him.

"Well, it's better than this dump," she answered after a moment. Folken smiled, liking her honesty. After several minutes of talking, Folken was caught up to speed at how his stupid brother was being…well…stupid.

"So, Van's being an idiot again, huh?" He muttered.

"I'm just trying to help you two out, is all!" Hitomi explained. "Is that so bad? I mean, really!" She looked up at Folken for support. He didn't respond, his eyes glued to something and in a daze. "Folken. Hey, Folken!" Hitomi snapped her fingers several times, trying to get his attention. "FOLKEN!"

"Wha? Oh." Folken blinked and came back to reality. "Sorry, I was busy ogling your legs- _I mean, contemplating the meaning of life_." He furrowed his brow and tried to look thoughtful.

"Okay, you two are _definitely_ brothers," Hitomi stated.

"Van never changes, does he?" Folken asked, changing the subject. "He'll always act like a drunk, retarded donkey."

"I only wish I could get him to understand and stop being a loser," Hitomi said wistfully.

"Why aren't you scared of me?" Folken asked out of the blue.

"Huh?" Hitomi blinked in confusion and looked at him. "Well, let's face it. You're a whole lot better than Van. Allen and Millerna are on a whole 'nother _level_ of fear. And Merle is on another _planet_. Plus your change of wardrobe helps out a lot."

"Really?" Folken frowned and made a mental note to buy more new clothes. "But I'm the man who used the hot Intensified-Luck Soldiers-" Hitomi giggled, "-and made them _kidnap_ you!"

"It's nothing that hasn't happened to me before," Hitomi said with a shrug. "Plus, I'm so mean to so many people, I feel like I _have_ to be nice to you."

"Eh?" Folken scowled, not understanding.

"If you don't trust people," Hitomi explained, "then they don't trust you! Unless you do like me, and beat the stuffing out of them!" She punched at the air to prove it.

"Hitomi, you do understand that taking refuge here just may be a part of my plan?"

"Is it?!" Hitomi gasped aloud, eyes sparkling with hope. "Oh, please! Please tell me it is! Tell me you're gonna take me away from this horrible place!" She got on her knees and clasped her hands together, looking pleadingly up into Folken's eyes.

"So…this is her power?" Folken wondered. "Meh. Not that impressive."

Over in the shadows where Folken had previously been, Van was skulking around and watching the two converse.

"What the _eff_!" He growled, grinding his teeth in seething jealousy. "First Allen, now Folken! What a man-hungry _bimbo_!" He then promptly turned and ran away, sobbing his head off. You can't hide what's inside, Van!

-Elsewhere-

Night had fallen in the land of Gaea, the stars twinkling in the sky along with the Messed-up Moon. Above a sparkling black ocean, several airships chugged along toward their destination, which was a shadowy outlet of land.

"The Egasardia army's travelle has arrived," a soldier on the mainland reported.

"The whatty-whatin?" Another asked, screwing up his face in confusion.

"Sorry, I just went to the dentist and my mouth is numb from the Novocain." The first soldier explained.

"Oh. Hey, then you shouldn't be operating that melef!"

The airships coming in from overseas entered the port and docked. Soldiers atop a nearby watchtower sipped at coffee and…well, watched, which was their job.

"What about the forces from Palace?" One asked, slurping his drink.

"They're arriving a bit late," the other answered. "Their prissy soldiers need to get their hair done before they leave."

"I can't stand those guys! They're all such _pansies_!"

"Check it out!" Another guard motioned at all the airships sitting in the docking bay. "The armies of Taetilus, Sezario, and even Bashram are here! This is gonna be one killer party!"

"Dude, seriously, go home until that Novocain stuff wears off."

"I'm sowwy!" The drugged-up soldier shrugged apologetically.

"This is going to be the first great war in Gaea's history!" A soldier declared.

"More like the _dumbest_…" the others muttered.

-Meanwhile, Back at Palace-

Hitomi stood on the battlements of the palace of Palace, warily watching Allen, who stood before her.

"What is it?" She asked cautiously, noting where all the exits were in case of an emergency. She also had her mace and tazer, but still didn't want to take any chances.

"I'm here to tell you…" Allen began in a dreary, depressed voice, "…Van and I are going off to war. We…may never return, so, if there's…_anything_…you want to say _or_ do to me before I go, now is the time to-"

_Wham_!

Hitomi kicked him in the crotch and turned on her heel to leave.

"Okay, I'm done!" She called over her shoulder cheerily. "Have fun out there!"

"Hey, wait!" Allen gurgled through his pain, staggering after her. "You're supposed to feel sorry for me and let me _score_ with you! Come on!"

"Oh, puh-lease!" Hitomi rolled her eyes and turned to face him. "What kind of girl do you think I am?"

"The greatest kind of girl there is?" Allen tried. Hitomi started walking again. "Wait! Before I go there's something I want you to hear!" Hitomi let out a big sigh and stopped.

"Okay, _what_? Make it quick."

"Well, if you didn't already know," Allen explained, "Prince Chid of the Duchy of Freid, was born as a result of-" Here he winced and squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the '_gooooong'_ he knew would interrupt.

Nothing happened.

"Huh?" Allen cracked an eye open and looked around.

"Where did that guy go, anyway?" Hitomi wondered.

"Anyway," Allen continued, "Princess Marlene, Millerna's older _and_ hotter sister, and I did the hanky-panky, and I'm her baby-daddy. Surprised?"

"Uh, NO." Hitomi crossed her arms. "_Everyone_ already knows, Allen."

"Oh. Well, I had to tell you, Hitomi." He stepped closer to her, eyes glittering. "My heart won't let me hide things from you. Like how I desperately want to be _your_ baby-daddy!"

"Ew, _noooo_!" Hitomi gagged and took a step back.

"No, don't go! I love you, Hitomi!" Allen wailed.

"No you don't!" Hitomi shot back. "You just love my _boobs_!"

"_Nnnnnnnnnyyyes_!" Allen admitted. "Yeah, I do! What's wrong with that?! Come on, toots! Let's get freaky with it!"

"You pig!" Hitomi whipped out her tazer and rushed at him.

-Aboard a Floating Jellyfish Somewhere-

In a darkened room aboard a Floating Jellyfish, a lone blue candle flickered. Wait, _blue_? Oh, hell. I give up. The wavering candlelight fell on a wineglass and bottle of booze sitting on a table. Hey…hold on a minute…gloomy surroundings, boozes…it can only mean one thing, ladies! He's _baaaaaaack_!

"Where the hell am I?" Dilandau snarled, seated at the table and in greatly aggravated. Standing before him was the same cute dog-man from the previous episode, except this time he was decked out in Dragonslayer armor and had on a new black collar with his name and address. Animals can't tell the cops where they live, kiddies!

"You are on the Floating Jellyfish Dalaite," the dog-man said, answering Dilandau's question.

"Delaite?" Dilandau growled. "What the _bleep_'s that? Where's that idiot Chesta? I need something to _punch_!"

"He's dead," the dog-man stated.

"What?" Dilandau shakily reached out for his glass of wine. "Okay, fine. Where's that brown-nose Gatti?"

"He's dead, too," was the answer.

"What about Dallet?" Dilandau asked, becoming anxious. "Is he off brushing his hair somewhere? And Viole, the guy we only see in one shot in the entire series? Or Guimel, the sheep-head dude who only gets like, one line, and it's a scream? Where are they?!"

"Okay, lemme sum it up for you." The dog-man took in a deep breath. "Dead, dead, deady-dead, deader, deadest, D-E-D dead, _DEAAAAAAAAD_!" He finished, panting. "How's that for ya?"

"They're all _dead_?" Dilandau whispered in disbelief. He raised his wineglass and took a sip.

_Crash_!

He hurled his cup at the dog-man, hitting him right in the chest and sloshing wine all over his new raiment.

"The hell is this?!" Dilandau hissed. "I asked for Pepsi, Fido! _Not_ Coke! You think you can trick me, do ya?!:

"Gee, _that_ was real mature," the dog-man muttered, staring sadly at the stain on his shirt. "Too bad I didn't bring my Tide Bleach Pen. Nuts."

"So, who the hell _are_ you, Fido?" Dilandau asked, rising from his seat and glaring at the dog-man.

"My name is Jajuka," Jajuka answered, finally revealing his name. "I am a soldier under your command. I am also highly trained in the arts of sitting, rolling over, and shaking hands. Plus I'm litter-box trained." He paused and gave a smug grin. "Pretty cool, huh?"

"_Cool_?" Dilandau's eyes narrowed. "I'll show _you_ cool!" Immediately Michael Jackson's "I'm Bad!" began blaring throughout the room as Dilandau whipped off his leather jacket and ripped apart his light tank-top underneath, displaying his pale chest and dog-tags (oh, the irony). He ended the show by falling to his knees as the music finished. "Hah! How you like _that_, mutt?!"

"I'd rather be a mutt than borderline _albino_," Jajuka retorted, glaring at Dilandau and his extremely pale complexion.

"Hmm. Good comeback." Dilandau raised an eyebrow, greatly impressed. No-one had ever dared back-sass him before, and Dilandau found himself enjoying it. "Jajuka, get me my new Guymelef! It better be ready, and totally badass!"

"Yes, sir." Jajuka stood at attention now that the insulting was done. "We sent your Alseides unit to one of our finest operatives. He won't let us down!"

"…You sent it to 'Pimp my Ride', didn't you?"

"Yes. Yes I did." Jajuka admitted. "I'm sure you will be pleased!" Dilandau smirked and pulled on his leather jacket once again.

"I haven't fought in a long time," he mused evilly. "I wonder where little Van has run off to?"

-The Next Morning-

In the early morning sun, several Austurian airships had finally taken off to journey toward their destination over the sea (you know, the place where all the other allies are gathering). Among them was the Crusade, housing, yes, you guessed it, Allen and his band of merry men. Oh, and Van too, but he can't really be counted, can he?

"Van? So, _this_ is where you've been hiding!" Allen chided, shaking his head at the boy-King.

"How did you find me?!" Van growled. He had locked himself in a room, in a hamper, and covered his body with as many pieces of dirty laundry he could find. He had hoped the stench more than anything would keep people looking for him at bay. Not so with Allen.

The Knight of Kaelia tugged Van out of the hamper and dragged him to the docking bay where they could talk. Now the two stood on a catwalk above the open air, enjoying the cool breeze and the view of the sea below.

"Shoulda know you'd be the one to find me…" Van grumbled sulkily. "Lookin' for the best hiding place for _yourself_…"

"That's not true!" Allen snapped at him. "I was merely concerned for your welfare and was searching for you!" The two stared at each other for several seconds, then burst into fits of laughter.

"That was a good one!" Van giggled.

"I know, wasn't it?!" Allen chortled. "'Concerned for your welfare'…_pffffttt_!" They began laughing even more.

"Okay, seriously," Van said, wiping his eyes, "what do you want?"

"I wanted to talk to you about Hitomi and how _incredibly_ sexy she is," Allen answered. Van's face darkened and he quickly turned away.

"Oh…_really_?" He said, forcing his voice to remain calm. "She…means nothing to me..."

"Well, yesterday," Allen said smugly, "I asked her to be my baby-momma."

"You WHAT?!" Van exploded. "You bastard! Stay away from _my_ psychic chick!"

"I thought she meant nothing to you!" Allen shot back. "Anyway, she didn't really give me an answer-"

Flashback: Hitomi standing in front of Allen after he asked her.

"NO."

End of flashback.

"-so she is to give me one when I return." Allen finished. He was so absorbed with himself that he didn't even notice Van taking false rushes at his back, wanting more than anything to push him off the catwalk and into the ocean below, but just managing to stop himself in time. Come on, Van! Do it! Do it!

"I don't understand why…" Allen mused, "…but my horniness is at an all-time _high_ when I'm with her! Don't you agree?" He looked at Van, who'd stopped trying to shove him off the airship and was instead sulking.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Van grumbled, having recovered somewhat from Allen's shocking news. "But listen. You _have_ to promise to protect her!"

"I promise to have sex-"

"PROTECT!" Van corrected.

"Alright, alright! Yeesh!" Allen tossed his head. "I promise I'll protect her. There, I said it! Happy?"

"With your life?" Van queried.

"Don't PUSH it!" Allen huffed.

-Back in Austuria-

Hitomi, who had been left behind by the stupid men (not that she was complaining), was bored out of her mind. For lack of a better thing to do, she'd wandered through the demolished city until she came to a street crowded with homeless and injured people, all who had to live in skimpy tents for shelter.

"Don't worry, honey!" One young mother told her child. "It'll be fun, just like camping out! Except we have no food, water, or home to go back to! Oh, _God_, someone hold me!" She dissolved into tears.

"Wheee!" The kid cheered, totally clueless.

"Oh, _man_." Maybe coming out here wasn't such a good idea. Hitomi was just getting even more depressed. If it were possible. "So, Prince Chid is Allen's son…" she thought, remembering the quirky little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes. What a brat he'd been. "We can only pray he won't grow up to be like his father. Pray. To. GOD." She sighed and looked up at the Messed-up Moon floating in the blue sky. "Am I ever gonna get out of this hellhole? I wish-"

"Honk, honk!" Millerna shouted, popping up behind Hitomi and giving her bum a squeeze.

"_Eeeeek_!" Hitomi squealed and whipped around, turning red.

"Oh, I SO got you!" Millerna giggled. "Don't I look super-hot in my sexy lil' maid outfit?" She modeled off her black and white French-maid dress, complete with tights and a feather duster. A funny white hat was perched on her head, and the Princess held a basketful of dirty laundry (no pun intended. It's really just laundry).

"Uhh…'skanky' is more the word I'd use," Hitomi admitted truthfully.

"Oh, _you_!" Millerna gushed, swatting Hitomi's shoulder with her duster. Suddenly a servant from the palace ran by, panting and sweating.

"_There_ she is!" She cried, spotting Millerna. "Hitomi! Catch her while I put on the manacles! We have to get her back to the palace before she hurts herself!"

"_Embarrasses_ herself is more like it," Hitomi thought privately. "But then again, she has no shame."

"Oh, nonsense!" Milly scoffed. "Dryden won't complain if I do a little laundry!"

"But…you're _not_." The servant pointed out.

"No I'm not. See my point?" Millerna stated. Then she turned slowly toward the psychic girl. "But HITOMI is! Right, Hitomi?"

"Oh, fine," Hitomi sighed, taking the basket of laundry. "Whatever it takes to make you _leave_."

-Later-

Hitomi was busy hanging out all the sheets to dry on the roof and had no time for Sasuke Uchiha and Naruto Uzumaki, who attempted to duke it out between themselves amongst the flapping white sheets. Hitomi didn't even bother to give them a warning and so simply gave both a smack on the head and then tossed them off the rooftop.

"So…_strong_!" The two ninjas gasped as they fell.

"Stupid annoying little kid ninjas…" Hitomi muttered, pulling another sheet onto the line. Millerna was lounging off to the side on a reclining lawn chair, letting Hitomi do all the work while she soaked in the bright noon sunlight. She had discarded her French-maid outfit and now wore a skimpy bikini and sunglasses, and was reading a 'Highlights' magazine, since this was the only reading material she could easily manage.

"…Millerna?" Hitomi asked hesitantly, tugging nervously at a blanket. "I need some advice."

"You're blocking my light, hun." Millerna said distractedly, turning a page.

"This'll only take a sec, then you can get back to your contribution to the growing problem of skin cancer, alright?"

"Oh, fine. But hurry!" Millerna closed her magazine and flipped up her sunglasses.

"W-well…" Hitomi stammered, wondering if Millerna was the right person to go to for this. "There's this really annoying guy, you see…"

"Uh-huh…" Millerna sipped at a cold drink and looked bored.

"And he won't leave me alone!" Hitomi continued. "No matter what I do, he _always_ bugs me! I've even kicked him in the balls a few times, and nothing! He's always so perverted and horny, _plus_ he's a girl's baby-daddy! Hey…wait…"

Hitomi had a sudden flashback of when she was in Freid, and Millerna had confided in her, describing a man almost exactly as she had…it couldn't be…

"Oh, _bleep_!" Both girls gasped, jumping up and pointing at one another.

"You were talking about Allen?!" Hitomi cried.

"You _whore_!" Millerna snatched up a blanket and went to smother Hitomi with it, but ended up slipping on some spilled sun-tan lotion and cracking her skull on the floor.

"Millerna! She's still in love with Allen!" Hitomi realized. "Hold on, that's a _good_ thing!"

-With Allen and Van-

The Crusade flew ever-onward over the vast expanse of blue ocean, drawing closer and closer to its destination. On the horizon, a slim patch of land could be seen. Land, ho! And no, I didn't just call you a ho.

"Okay, there's Rhampit!" Gaddess cried. "Kio, turn to the left and set us down. Left, I said! No, _my_ left!"

"Would you stop being a backseat driver?!" Kio snapped, clutching the helm nervously.

"That's all you jackasses are willing to let me _be_!" Gaddess pointed out.

"Oh, right." Kio nodded, then frowned. "Hey, wait! That's not any better!"

_Craaaaash_!

The Crusade had run into the side of the inlet and scraped against the wall harshly, leaving a hideous gouge on the land.

"_See_?!" Kio glared over his shoulder at the Second-in-Command.

"Okay, I'm sorry I even tried! _Guhh_!" Gaddess burst into tears and ran to the sanctity of his room.

"Ugh, no _wonder_ they call this place Armpit," Reeden gagged, tying his handkerchief over his face. "It smells awful here!"

"It's _Rhampit_, stupid!" Pyle corrected.

Allen, totally oblivious to the arguing and bickering among his crew, was busy admiring his reflection in the large front window.

"Ooh, my hair is so shiny and soft!" He cooed, running his fingers through it. "Thank you, Dove shampoo for women! Whoa…why is my normally lovely and blemish-free skin suddenly so _blotchy_? Oh, wait! _Bleep_!"

What Allen had mistook to be a pimple on his face turned out to be a Floating Jellyfish flickering into view above the port-town of Rhampit, its cloaking device disengaging. Immediately afterward, grey enemy melef units began dropping from the clunky vehicle like bees from a hive.

Allen drew in a huge breath.

You can imagine what happened next.

"_TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP_!" Allen shrieked at the top of his voice, shattering all the windows in the small airship along with the entire crew's eardrums. Soldiers of Rhampit scrambled about on the land below, not knowing what on earth was going on.

"What is that?!" One soldier gasped, staring up at the descending melefs. "Transformers? I'm here, Optimus Prime!"

"It's _Zaibach_, you idiots!" A prissy soldier snapped. "Send out the garrison Guymelef units! …But not the Austurian ones, they're in the middle of getting pedicures!"

"Damn Austurians!" The other soldiers grumbled. Zaibach Guymelefs came crashing down all around, not caring what was underneath. Buildings were crushed, wagons trampled, as men scurried out of their way and smoke clouded the sky.

"Wow! This is so fun!" A new Rhampit recruit in a melef hummed to himself. "It's my first day on the job! 'Unnamed Casualty #108', that's me! I wonder what I have to do?"

"_Nothing_!" Dilandau laughed, landing on him with a crash. The crazy adolescent now piloted a sweet new totally pimped-out Oreades, complete with spinners and a license plate that read 'EVIL1'. "Alright! Time for some senseless slaughter and destruction!" He crowed, raising both arms. "Burn, baby, burn!" He pressed a button to initiate the flamethrowers.

_Click_!

"_They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said 'no, no, no'. Yes I've been black, but when I come back, you'll know, know, know. I ain't got the time, and if my daddy thinks I'm fine…he's tried to make me go to rehab, but I won't go, go, go!"_

Apparently that button had been replaced with the radio. And although Dilandau didn't really mind listening to Amy Winehouse's 'Rehab', he would have rather seen flaming pillars of death shooting out of his hands and incinerating everyone around him.

"_Bleep_-dammit." Dilandau swore, looking around for the correct switch. "Hang on. Just lemme…no, that's not it, either. Come on, you son of a-" While Dilandau pressed several buttons and flicked switches in a vain attempt to find the flamethrower, his lights turned on, his sunroof opened up, and his PS2 turned on.

Mother_bleep_er!" Dilandau exploded, pounding a fist against the dashboard. "Where the hell is that effing button?!" Then he saw a large, red button right next to his hand that read, "Flamethrowers…dawg."

"Oh." Dilandau glanced around to make sure no-one had noticed his blunder. And if anyone had, they'd be the first to go. He casually pushed the button and immediately jets of flame shot out of his hands, setting everything (and everyone) around him on fire. "Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!" He laughed maniacally, sweeping the flames around. Meanwhile the radio had switched to DMX's 'Party Up (in Here)'.

_"__Y'all gon' make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here! Y'all gon' make me go all out, up in here, up in here! Y'all gon' make me act a fool, up in here, up in here! Y'all gon' make me lose my cool, up in here, up in here!"_

"It's on _fire_!" Reeden gasped, looking through the Crusade's telescope.

"The city?!" Kio gasped in horror.

"No! The new Kelly Clarkson CD!" Reeden grinned, holding it up.

_Smack_!

"The _harbor's_ on fire!" Gaddess growled, emerging from his room with red-rimmed eyes. He'd had a good cry and was ready to command once again (since all Allen ever did was scream). "It's a Zaibach sneak attack!"

"_Gaddess_!" Allen cried, seizing hold of his Second-in-Command's shirt and jerking him so close their noses almost touched. "Get m- er, US out of here! NOW!!!"

"Don't you mean, 'Take us down, you'll go out in Scherazade'?" Gaddess corrected, eyes narrowing.

"Wha…no freakin' way!" Allen scoffed. "Are you _crazy_? It's obvious our only option is to…"

Allen's crew silently gathered around him, all glaring threateningly.

"You'll go out in Scherazade, _right_?" Gaddess repeated in a dangerous tone.

"Et tu, Brutus?" Allen whispered. Seconds later, he was being dragged to the hangar by his hair, screaming bloody murder all the while. The crew shoved him into his flashy melef and strapped him securely in place.

"Ha, ha! What a loser!" Van laughed, enjoying the spectacle. The crew all turned around and began slowly walking toward him. "C-come on, guys! You aren't gonna force me to go out there, too, are ya?" The crew continued advancing. "Oh, _eff_."

"_Judaaaaaaaaaas_!" Van howled as he was thrown into his melef, then pushed out the hangar doors into the sky.

"Pipe down and quit whining!" The Escaflowne snapped, quickly switching to Dragon mode and taking to the air.

Meanwhile, back in Palace, Hitomi stood on her balcony, obviously pondering important issues and problems.

"I think I like…chocolate. No…vanilla," she decided. Well, ice-cream is an important issue! Oh, fine! Never mind! Let's get back to Van being a loser. Van, take it away!

Van and the Escaflowne swooped into the burner harbor, the pilot begging the melef to turn around and bring him back to safety.

"Please!" Van pleaded. "I'll…I'll…I'll get you the number of one of those sexy Gundams!"

"You don't even _know_ any of them!" The Escaflowne pointed out.

"No I don't," Van readily admitted, "but since I'm the hero of _this_ anime, I'm sure I'll be able to- EEEK!" The Escaflowne had stopped listening to him and instead dove down into the sea of fire below.

"Yeeeek! Oh, no!" Prissy soldiers wailed as they ran around the destruction, pin-wheeling their arms around pointlessly. "This fire's gonna make my perfectly conditioned hair dry out! The _horror_!"

"My weave!" More sobbed. "Do you know how _expensive_ this was?!"

"OY." The Rhampit soldiers, dressed in chain-mail and armor, simply rolled their eyes at the prissy soldiers' antics and went about their business of actually _accomplishing_ stuff. Way to go, guys!

Even the grey Zaibach melefs were equipped with flamethrowers, and were making good use of them too. Why, one was even making burgers over the charred remains of someone's house!

"How you guys want it?" The melef asked, flipping a few over as they sizzled.

"Well-done!"

"Medium rare!"

"Burn mine to a crisp, would ya?"

"Knock it off!" Van bellowed, diving at the cook from above. "Do you know what they _do_ to those animals?!"

"No, but it's _delicious_," the cooking melef answered before the Esca reverted to melef-mode and sliced him down the middle.

"Okay, see?!" Van barked. "I killed one, can I _go_ now?!"

"Oh, _bleep_s!" The other Zaibach melefs gasped. "It's the Ispano Guymelef! It'll eff us up _real_ good!"

"Damn right I will!" The Esca hollered, swinging its blade and chopping one enemy in half.

"Man, Esca!" Van sputtered. "That was just…_mean_!"

Back in Palace, Hitomi gasped as strange images swam before her eyes…_again_. Seriously, girl, just accept it already! You're a vision magnet!

"What? What's happening?" Hitomi wondered aloud. "What's…this _feeling_?"

"You're a woman now!" Merle giggled, sticking her head in the doorway. Bad move, brat!

"Get outta my room!" Hitomi grabbed hold of Merle's head and tossed her out, where she continued to fall down the hall to the stairs and then slam into a large pile of nine-pins. Upon hearing the ensuing crash, Hitomi took out her bowling scoreboard and put an X in the top left corner. "Strike!"

Back on the battlefield, Van gasped in fright and whirled around, his sixth sense telling him something was horribly wrong.

"Coward senses…tingling! Oh, eff, not _you_ again!" He groaned in annoyance as an ominous shadow appeared inside a cloud of black smoke.

"Peek-a-boo!" A sinister voice sang. "I _see_ you!"

"Dude, that was so lame," Van gagged, "_I'm_ embarrassed for you."

"Shut up!" Dilandau snarled, storming through the wall of smoke to confront-

No-one.

"Over here, you blind bastard!" Van taunted.

"I said shut up!" It was easy to get disoriented in clouds of smoke anyway. Dilandau faced Van and snorted. "Whoever thought I'd run into _you_ here? Why ain't you hiding in a rabbit hole?"

"Because HE won't let me," Van said pointedly, gesturing at the Escaflowne.

"It's in my contract," the Esca grunted, shrugging.

"Well it's in MY contract to _kick your ass_!" Dilandau snarled, shooting a Crima Claw at Van's face. He smacked it away just in time and glared at his opponent.

"Dude," Van voice was dangerously calm, "I am in a really, _really_ bad mood right now, and you do NOT want to mess with me."

"Ooh, what happened?" Dilandau snickered. "You get dumped by that girl with the legs?"

"Oh, snap," the Escaflowne whispered.

"That DOES it!" Van snarled, taking out his Disturbed CD. "You are DEAD, mo-fo!"

"Bring it on!" Dilandau laughed, forming a sword with his liquid metal. He charged at the Escaflowne, and the two exchanged blows, with Dilandau managing to force Van back. "I bet she hooked up with that wuss Allen Schezar!"

"You BASTARD!" Van went to press play, but before he could start the song and make himself all badass, Dilandau used his flamethrower and engulfed the boy-King and melef into a living hell.

"No! Not my eyebrows _again_! And they just grew back!" Van sobbed, hearing his beloved brow-hair sizzle in the heat.

"Hot, hot, hot, hot!" The Escaflowne gasped, heatin' up. And not in a good way, either!

"If you can't stand the heat, then get outta the kitchen!" Dilandau cackled. "And speaking of kitchens, you guys ever see that show, 'Hell's Kitchen'? That Gordon Ramsay is my _hero_! Did you see the time he said- AIRSHIP!"

The Crusade flew in low over the battlefield, startling everyone and making them duck for cover. As the airship passed by, Allen Schezar, still trapped in his Guymelef Scherazade, was shoved through the hangar doors.

"You'll all _paaaaaaaaaaay_!" He howled as he fell. Luckily, (or _un_luckily) he landed smack-dab on Dilandau, which softened his descent somewhat.

"Ow! The weather channel didn't say anything about raining _morons_!" Dilandau growled, shoving Allen off of him.

"Oh, GOD! Where the heck am I?!" Allen gasped, disoriented and confused.

"Die!" Dilandau rolled initiative and shot a Crima Claw at the Knight.

"Eeeek!" Allen immediately grabbed hold of the Escaflowne and shoved him in front of him. Van was forced to block the liquid metal claw or serve as a body shield (hah! How's it feel, Van?), which he barely managed to do.

"Don't DO that!" He squealed, struggling to free himself from Allen's grip.

"What?!" Allen asked innocently. "I'm covering you from behind, you gotta problem with that?"

"When you're shovin' me into harm's way, YES!" Van shot back. "Here, YOU do it!" He pivoted and pushed Allen around so he now faced Dilandau. Enemy melefs had snuck up behind the three and began muttering to themselves.

"That's the Ispano Guymelef the others won't shut up about!" One whispered.

"So, if we defeat it," another began.

"We'll be _heroes_!" A third finished.

"Oh, believe me," the Escaflowne snorted, "beating this chump won't help any. A third-grader could whupp his ass."

"Could NOT!" Van protested. "_Alleeeeeen_! Wanna switch?"

"Hey, Van!" Hitomi called at the vision. "Stop being a loser! Come on, kick some ass!"

"Guess I have no choice…" Van muttered, as Allen had refused to switch enemies and so Van was stuck with the lackeys. "_Hiiiiiiiiiii_…!" He cried, pulling his arm back as he prepared himself to pull off a spectacular fighting move. The enemy melefs gasped and quickly backed off, eyes wide with fascination, waiting to see what the Ispano Guymelef would do.

Van just turned ran like hell.

"What the…_hey_! After him!" After a momentary pause, the chase began.

"Boo! You suck!" Hitomi hollered, throwing some of her popcorn at the screen. "This vision blows! I don't need to see this, I already _know_ Van's an irredeemable loser!"

Allen, meanwhile, was barely holding his own against Dilandau.

"Don't scratch the pa-" He began to say.

"_Whoopsies_!" Dilandau sang, carving the words 'Dilly wuz here' into Sherry's unprotected side. "Sorry 'bout that!"

"Okay, _that's_ it! And it's not even proper grammar!" Allen sobbed. "_Yaaaah_!" He raised his sword and actually managed to knock Dilandau back.

"Oh, crap." Dilandau knew he was in trouble. "Sic 'im, boy!" He placed two fingers in his mouth and whistled loudly.

"Ruff, ruff, ruff!" Jajuka came dashing over to protect his master like the guard dog he was, body-slamming Allen away with his powerful grey Guymelef.

"Good boy! Here's a treaty!" Dilandau tossed his subordinate a crunchy Kibbles n' Bits treat.

"Mmm!" Jajuka munched it happily. Allen took this moment when his opponent was distracted to strike.

"Take this!" He yelled as he charged, and the two began grappling.

"Get back here, ya wuss!" Other Zaibach soldiers taunted as they chased after the fleeing Van.

"Yeah, ya little pansy!" More called. "I bet your girl ran out on ya!"

Van immediately ground to a halt and turned around, _sloooowly_, his eyes glinting red.

"You. Dying. _Right now_." He whispered.

"Well, _this_ was a bad ide- _blaaaaaargh_!" A soldier began to say before Van stabbed him.

"Eww, gross." Hitomi made a face as she was forced to watch the destruction and killing. "I prefer chick flicks. Or how about some comedies? Where's the damn remote? I'm not watching this crap anymore." She began looking around for the device in vain.

"I'll show her!" She heard Van declare. "I'll show her that I'm _sooo_ much cooler than Allen!" As if to prove this, he killed several more Zaibach melefs.

"Wait, _that's_ what all this is about?" Hitomi gaped. "Are you _kidding_ me?! Van's killing people because he thinks it'll make him cool? He should already know that no amount of killing, in this world or the next, will _ever_ make him cool! Knock it off, Van! You're embarrassing yourself!"

"Behind us!" The Escaflowne warned.

"Huh?!" Van whirled around just in time to see Dilandau charging straight at him like a bull draw by his bright red cape. The two exchanged blows and several insults. "You caught me at a bad time, suckah!" Van growled. "Now you gon' _die_!"

"Okay, I give up." Hitomi sighed and closed her eyes. "I'm gonna take a nap. Tell me when this is all over, would you?" Several moments later, she was fast asleep. Shh!

"What the hell happened to you?!" Dilandau demanded, panting heavily. "You leave for, like, two seconds, and now you're all kickass! …You juicin'?"

"Hey, I'm not Mark Mcguire!" Van barked. "Although I do enjoy the grape!"

Allen and Jajuka continued to face off, the Knight of Kaeli every wary of an escape route. Suddenly he noticed Jajuka's long, flowing locks.

"Who DOES your hair?!" He gasped, admiring the dog-man's shiny coat.

"Uh…" Jajuka blinked. "The guys at the pet groomers?"

"DIE!" Dilandau went for an illegal move (otherwise known as a _stab to the face_), but Van easily blocked it and turned it aside.

"_Hah_! You think you can get me with tricks like those?" He taunted. "I know 'em all by heart, _bitch_!"

A long stick prodded Hitomi in the back, making her snort and sit up, now awake.

"Dammit, how the hell woke me up?!" She growled, rubbing her eyes. "Has Van stopped being a loser yet?" She glanced at the screen and saw him fighting with Dilly. "Nope, he hasn't. Good night!" She settled back down again, but not before directing an evil glare at the Unseen Forces who'd dared wake her up. They sighed and resigned to do it themselves. The Unseen Forces snapped their fingers, and immediately the Escaflowne's pink Energist glowed brightly.

"Urgh! Not more heart-burn!" The Esca coughed. "I _knew_ I shoulda taken some Pepsid AC!"

"Hmm?" Jajuka suddenly sniffed the air and perked up his ears. "Lord Dilandau is in trouble!" He eyed Allen and devised a way to get rid of him. "Look, a tanning booth!"

"WHERE?!" Allen gasped in delight, whirling around. Jajuka quickly ran off to find his master. "That's _horrible_!" Allen burst into tears when he realized it was a lie.

Meanwhile, all the way back in the huge Zaibach factory, Dornkirk had finally found a solution to his glowing globe problem. He now wore sunglasses as he watched the happenings through his telescope.

"Oh, _yeah_," he drawled. "I am smokin' _hot_ in these bangin' shades!"

"No you're not." A foolish servant muttered. Dornkirk scowled at him, then punched a button to send him hurtling into…a vat of melted chocolate.

"Ooh, _yummy_!" The man cried gleefully.

"Dammit!" Dornkirk crossed chocolate off his list of death hazards.

Back on the battlefield, Van was advancing on Dilandau, who backed away nervously.

"I've got a friend…" Van hissed. "I'd like for you to meet him. His name is…BEAM O' LIGHT!" Of _course_ the loyal Beam o' Light answered the call and came blasting down, scooping Dilandau up in its brilliant rays.

"Noooo!" Dilandau shrieked in fright. "And I had just come back, too! This isn't _faaaaaaair_!" He saw images of that same little crying girl again before he disappeared. Jajuka, sadly, didn't make it in time, since he had to make a pit stop at a fire hydrant to take care of some business.

"No! Lord Dilandau!" He howled in aguish, whimpering and whining, tail between his legs.

"Whoa! It actually _worked_!" Van gaped in awe. "Hey, I accomplished something! HELLS yeah!"

"Lord Dilandau, come back!" Jajuka whined, sniffing at the air for his master's scent. Catching a whiff of it, he quickly switched to flying mode and zoomed away. Van and Allen watched him go in quiet awkwardness. High up above the battlefield, the Floating Jellyfish faded from view, signaling the end of the fight.

"Phew! _Finally_!" Van gave a sigh of relief.

"Damn…" Allen muttered, looking at the scoreboard. Van _clearly_ had more points than him. "Van won this time. He'll pay for making me look bad! Oh, well. Let's head back to Palace so I can repaint Sherry."

Back at Palace, Hitomi was fast asleep, snoring away like a chainsaw.

-Later on That Day-

Evening was nearing when Allen and company finally made it back to Palace. Dryden stood at the dock, waiting to hear their report and whatnot. It wasn't good news.

"Hmm. I see…" Dryden murmured, nodding his head. "That place was completely destroyed. Well, better them than us! I guess we'll have to hold the party- er, _meeting_ with our allies here in Palace. Hang on a sec." He pulled out a pad of paper and began writing himself a note. "Return the beer keg…cancel the dancing girls…okay!"

Allen, Merle, Van, and Gaddess were all gathered around the man on the dock, discussing what they should do.

"Yes! Yes, absolutely!" Van readily agreed. "We should have the meeting _here_! Here, where it's _safe_, and I know all the best places to hide! It's _perfect_!"

Dryden said nothing, just raised an eyebrow at him.

"I'll help you come up with the escape routes and retreat plans!" Allen volunteered.

"No, _I_ will!" Van argued, and the two began scuffling (which really wasn't much, just a lot of girly grunts and slaps).

"You idiots!" Everyone turned to see Hitomi glaring at them from the bridge. "Why is fighting the only thing you can think about?!!"

"Because," Van stated matter-of-factly, "my brain can only process one thing at a time."

"Oh." Hitomi stopped in her charge toward the bufoons. "Well, that _still_ doesn't make it right!"

"Hey, baby! I'm back!" Allen sang, waving at Hitomi. "You got an answer for me now? One that starts with 'y', ends with 's', and has an 'e' in the middle?"

"Shut up, Allen," Van snapped, then looked at the angry psychic girl in confusion. "What are you saying, Hitomi? I've _got_ to senselessly slaughter people to protect you and everyone else. That's, like, a rule in all anime!" Everyone murmured and nodded their heads in agreement.

"I saw it, Van," Hitomi said softly.

"What did…my box of porn?!" Van gasped and turned red. "Allen gave it to me, I swear! No, he _forced_ me to take it!"

"I saw you _fighting_," Hitomi corrected, then added under her breath, "if you can call it that."

"Oh. _Phew_." Van calmed down a bit. "Is that all?"

"Yeah, like I'd _ever_ give you any of my porn!" Allen scoffed, then remembered that there were ladies present. "Er…not that I have any…"

"I don't want you to protect me if you have to _kill_ people to do it!" Hitomi told Van, clearly upset. "I'm sick of all of it! The fighting, the bloodshed, the never-ending stupidity! I'm sick of this _whole world_!"

"Hey!" Gaea sniffled, on the brink of tears. "That was a bit harsh!"

"Hitomi!" Van gasped, aghast. "Apologize to Gaea!"

"Someone, send me back!" Hitomi implored the heavens. "Please! Send me back to my less stupid world! Take pity on me! _Please_!" Her pendant blazed with light, and the Beam o' Light answered the call.

"Alrighty, let's go!" It chirruped, easily picking Hitomi up and pulling her toward the sky.

"Hitomi!" Van and Allen hollered, now that their reason to compete was disappearing before their very eyes.

"Oh, _finally_!" Merle and Millerna sang, holding hands and dancing around in a circle happily.

"I wish she'd taken me with her…" Dryden whimpered, as he was now stuck in a world filled with complete morons. Be strong, Dryden. Be strong.

-Back on the Messed-Up Moon, or as We Call It, Earth!-

Hitomi lay in bed in the medical ward of her school, the clock on the wall ticking away as she slumbered. Amano stood beside her bed, wondering if now would be a good time to steal a kiss or not, then thought better once he noticed the cameras on him.

"Hi, everyone!" He turned with a smile and waved at the screen. "Remember me? I'm the hotty from the first episode who-

-Episode 23 End-

(You guys can thank me later)

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Whew, that took quite a while! There've been thunderstorms every day this week, heck, there's one going on right now as I finish this! We even lost power! But I'm finally done this one and can barely believe I've only got _three_ episodes left! Woo-hoo! Almost done! Hope you liked this one, review, please!


	24. Episode 24: Effed Up Decision

Author's Note: Well, here's the 24th episode. I'm just two episodes away from finishing the entire series! Whoop! Wish me luck! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 24

Effed-Up Decision

Recap: In the last episode, Folken joined the good guys, tossing in his creepy clothes for normal, everyday robes. Thank _goodness_! He tattles on Dornkirk, telling Austuria of his stupidity and equally stupid plans. Did…did I mention he was stupid? Meanwhile Hitomi and Van volunteer at a nearby church, trying to make up for all the bad karma they've accumulated so they won't be cast eternally into the fiery pits of hell. Millerna arrives to annoy everyone, whilst Dryden and Van have a thought-provoking discussion about cowards and why Van's such a pansy. Allen goes ballistic on Hitomi for not listening him, so she gets a restraining order and electrocutes him to shut him up. She leaves in a huff, changing into her track shorts and running around the city to cool off. Folken approaches her, and the two get to know one another, to Van's jealousy and annoyance. Allen tries one last time to score with Hitomi before he has to leave for war – and fails miserably. Elsewhere in Gaea, an unspeakable evil rises once again…it's _Dilly_! Horray! He's also got a new bitch, literally. Go Jajuka! Hitomi is forced to do laundry with Millerna (well, kinda, she does all the work while Milly gets a tan) and realizes the blond-haired ditz still has it bad for Allen. Perhaps there is still hope after all! The Crusade arrives at the ally's place only to find that it's a trap – Zaibach is there to crash the party. Uh, oh! Dilly makes his comeback, kickin' ass and whatnot. Allen and Van are forced to go out and fight, and both get beat the heck up. Hitomi is able to see the slaughter, for reasons unknown, and comes to the decision that Gaea really blows. Geez, it took her twenty-three episodes to realize that? Anyway, Van calls down a Beam o' Light to take Dilly away, and Zaibach retreats, meaning that Allen and the crew…w-won? _Shrugs_. I haven't really figured that part out yet. Van and Allen travel back to Austuria, where Hitomi confronts them for being losers, then declares she wants OUT. The Beam o' Light swings on by, and Hitomi gets her wish! Good for her!

Hitomi lay unconscious in a bed in the medical ward of her school. It was evening, and the room was awash with a strange orange radiance that made one wonder if that annoying Billy Mays had come by with his amazing Orange Glo and given everything a thorough cleaning. But enough about the hyperactive entrepreneur – back to Hitomi.

Slowly, her eyes cracked open, and she peered out at her blurry surroundings. It was all so familiar. The ticking clock on the wall, the small desk at her side, Allen leaning in close, eyes shut and lips puckered for a kiss-

Wait, _WHAT_?!

"Self defense isn't murder!" Hitomi shrieked, using her patented method of foot-vs-groin, and you can guess what happened. Allen went down in a heap, groaning loudly and clutching his junk in agony. Hitomi quickly sat up and looked around. "Hey! Where the _eff_ am I?! And who used the Orange Glo?" Then she looked down at the writhing form next to the bed.

Why, it wasn't Allen at all! It was Amano, who was easily mistaken as the prissy, puffy-sleeved-wearing Knight of Kaeli, as they both sported girly doo's and were strangely prettier than Hitomi herself. Finally she noticed Amano was in a considerable amount of pain, and realized it was because _she'd_ just socked him in the nuts.

"Oh my goodness, Amano!" She gushed, turning red in embarrassment. "You _totally_ deserved that!"

"Gerk…yeah…maybe…" Amano whimpered, staggering up onto his feet while still keeping a hand hovering in front of his crotchular area in case Hitomi decided to strike again. "You should stay in bed, Hitomi. You need rest. But don't worry, _I'll_ keep you company!" He leaped at the inviting sheets, but was met halfway by an old fashioned 'kick to the face' and was sent flying back.

"Am I dreaming?" Hitomi wondered as she looked around the room, lowering her leg. "Have I really come home? Oh, _joy_!" She clapped her hands with glee.

-In the Girl's Locker Room-

Yukari sat at a desk in the girl's locker room, working away at a small notebook while several athletic girls gossiped as they changed clothes (all the boys reading this may whistle now).

"-and so then I told _that_ skanky ho to stay away from mah man!" A girl was explaining. "She ain't getting a piece of him, uh-_unh_!" She bobbed her head and shook her finger.

"Honey," another girl stated, placing a hand on her hip, "_everyone's_ had a piece of him, believe me! He's a total man-whore!"

"_Oooooh_!" The remaining girls chorused. "No she di-in't!"

"Oh, that is IT! Come on, bitch!" The first girl threw down her bag, then tackled the other. The two began grappling, clawing at each other's hair while spitting and snarling like cats, slamming into lockers and falling onto the ground. The remaining girls formed a ring around the two and cheered.

"Will you guys knock it _off_?!" Yukari chided, pushing back her wheely-chair and glaring at the rabid pack of girls. "I'm _trying_ to take over the wor- I mean, straightening up these stats, so _can it_! I need to finish so I can go home with Hitomi!"

"Oooh, Yukari wants to be with her lady-crush!" The girls laughed. "Then you'd better go check on her, I bet Amano's trying to seduce her as we speak!"

"What's wrong with saying that I _love_ my best friend?!" Yukari barked, standing up and facing the girls, head held high and hands on hips. "There's nothing wrong with that, and it _doesn't_ make me a lesbian! Besides, I'm going to see her right after this and beat Amano away from her."

"See, you _are_ jealous!" The girls giggled, grabbing their stuff. "We'd better go before she gets lady-crushes on us, too! Later!" They all ran out the door as fast as they could.

"Yeah, good riddance!" Yukari hollered after them, heaving up her chair and throwing it at the door. As it shattered with the sound of breaking wood and glass, she sighed and leaned against the table, looking over her shoulder at the small notebook. She frowned and picked up her pencil again.

"Hmm…maybe a computer virus would be a better choice…" She leaned over the pad of paper and began writing furiously.

-Back With Hitomi-

Hitomi and Amano sat in the medical ward, the strange orange haze pervading over every inch of the room and furniture. Seriously, it was getting annoying. What the hell was going _on_?

"It's my new Orange Glo!" Billy Mays yelled, popping up in front of the camera. "It cleans, shines, and protects, all in one _easy_ step!"

"Can you please stop _yelling_?" Amano asked in annoyance while Hitomi held her hands over her ears, face crinkled in pain.

"I can't! This is how I _talk_!" Billy hollered in their faces, then whipped his head around to grin at the camera. "Orange Glo, only $19.99! But _wait_! Order now, and I'll send you an extra container, FREE! Shipping and handles fees are $4.99, must be eighteen years or older to order. We accept Master Cards, Discover, and-"

"Get _OOOOUUUUT_!" Hitomi had had enough and whomped Billy so hard he flew out of the screen, out the window, and hit a tree. "Gawd, he's _so_ annoying! Even more than you!"

"I _know_!" Amano agreed, nodding his head. "He- hey, wait a minute!"

"Moving on," Hitomi interrupted, clearing her throat. "Let's start the scene."

"Oh, right." Amano quickly straightened and cocked his eyebrows at the psychic girl. "A planet called 'Gaea'?" He asked incredulously. "A place where you can see the earth and moon in the sky? Escaflowne? I have only one question for you. Can I have some of what you're smoking?"

_Smack_!

"It's true, a-hole!" Hitomi growled. "I'm _not_ high, and I'm _not_ making it up!"

"Oh, Hitomi! You're such a romantic!" Amano swooned. "I'd like to have a dream like that, except you'd be wearing bikini-armor and would have a huge sword."

Hitomi gagged noisily and wrapped her hands around her neck, trying to end her suffering (don't try this at home, kids!).

"I think I know what you need," Amano cooed, edging closer. "You need some…sexual…_heaaaaaling_!"

"Did you just _sing_ that last part?" Hitomi asked in disbelief, pausing in the effort to strangle herself. "And it wasn't a dream! It was _real_!"

"Sure it was! Hey…!" He pointed at Hitomi's pendant, which rested on her chest. "Did your boobs get bigger or is it just me?"

_Whack_!

"I shoulda _known_ you'd say something like that!" Hitomi growled, backing away from Amano, arms crossed protectively over her chest.

"Aw, come ob!" Amano gasped, pinching his bleeding nose shut. "I wab just gonna say whad a nice pendant you hab!"

"Oh." Hitomi blinked in surprise. "Why, thank-" and then she suddenly remembered that to Amano, the word 'pendant' meant something entirely different. "Wait just a _damn_ minute!"

"So, where'd you get it from?" Amano asked, quickly changing the subject before Hitomi could mess up his beautiful manly face even more.

"Uh, I stole- er, _got_ it from my crazy ol' granny," Hitomi explained. "It's my good luck charm!" She reached up and pulled it off over her head.

"_Yeaaaaaaah_!" Amano crowed, whistling and pressing a horn-thing like the ones people have a sports games and stuff. "Take it off, baby! Take it _all_ off! Whooo!"

"This is the only thing I'm taking off," Hitomi stated firmly, giving Amano the evil eye.

"Oh." Amano blinked. "Booooo!"

"My pendant's _really_ neat," Hitomi muttered angrily, face darkening. "When I wrap it around your neck, it's almost as if I can _strangle_ you with it."

"Err…" Amano got the message. "Can it do anything else _besides_ cause me bodily harm?"

"_Well_," Hitomi continued in a much more pleasant voice, "when you swing it back and forth, it keeps perfect time, always completing one cycle a second, never slowing down." She held out the pendant and demonstrated, making it swing back and forth in perfect arcs.

"Wow, whatever happened to the laws of _gravity_ and _physics_, eh?" Amano chortled, grinning at the camera. "Anyway, can I hold your pen-" Hitomi glared icily at him. "-er, _necklace_! Can I hold your necklace?" Amano quickly corrected.

Suddenly, Hitomi gasped and froze.

"Hey, déjà vu, man!" She thought to herself. "I remember all this happening before! I know what's going to happen next! Amano's gonna be all stupid and horny and try to make out with me! Granted, you don't really need to know the future to realize this, but- _hey_!"

Amano had taken Hitomi's silence as permission and snatched away her pendant, holding it out in front of him and focusing on it.

"Amano's gonna swing the pendant!" Hitomi realized.

"Right-o!" Captain Obvious declared, standing behind her in a super-hero pose.

"Didn't I tell you to GET LOST?!" Hitomi snarled, beating him away. Amano, oblivious, swung the pendant in a fluid arc, watching as it came back and-

"Owwie!" He squealed, clutching his right eye in pain. "It hit me in the eye! And _on purpose_!"

"Geez, as if no-one saw _that_ coming," Hitomi grumbled, grabbing her pendant back and swinging it herself. As the pendant swayed to and fro, she counted along the seconds with it.

"One, two, three," she counted.

"Eleven-teen, twenty-twelve, fifty-forty, uh…blue?" Amano guessed, not knowing his numbers very well.

"Go back to grade-school!" Hitomi barked, nearly flinging her pendant at him in annoyance. "Why did I never notice how _dumb_ he was until now? Probably because I was so _man_-hungry. Well, I sure got my fill of stupid on Gaea."

"Hitomi?" Amano interrupted her thoughts, and she turned to see him staring at her seriously. "Hey, look! A bird!" He pointed at the window.

"Really? Where?" Hitomi turned to look. Immediately Amano sprung forward, trying to steal a kiss from the innocent and pure psychic girl.

"Eeeek! You bastard! Die!"

_Wham! Punch! Crack!_

Did I say innocent and pure psychic girl? I meant violent and sadistic psycho-bitch.

"_Hellooooo_, everyone!" Yukari sang, banging open the door and waltzing into the medical ward. Her eyes widened as she saw Amano laying in a puddle of blood on the floor, while Hitomi was sitting in bed, cracking her knuckles in satisfaction. "Whoa, what happened here?"

"Meh." Hitomi shrugged. "He was being dumb."

"Yukari!" Amano gurgled from the floor. "_Alright_! Now we've got enough for a threesome! No need to fight, ladies! There's enough of me to go around!"

Yukari quietly stared at him for several seconds before reaching into her gym bag and taking out her boxing gloves.

"_OhdearGod_," Amano whimpered as she slipped them on and approached.

-Later-

Hitomi and Yukari had departed from the stupid school and were now walking home together on the sidewalk running along the road. The two were deep in conversation, as all teenage girls seem to be, as they trudged home with their gym bags slung over their shoulders.

"Wow, you've got a mean right hook!" Hitomi gushed, eyes bright with excitement.

"Really?" Yukari smiled and flexed her arm. "Maybe I should join the boxing team, too! But anyway, what were you and Amano _doing_ in there? Besides the whole violence thing, I mean."

"It's NOT what you think!" Hitomi protested. "_He_ was the one trying to molester _me_!"

"Well, I can forget what I saw…" Yukari chuckled evilly. "But it's gonna cost ya!"

"Okay, who are you, the mafia?" Hitomi ground to a halt. "And no _effing_ way are you getting my mother_bleep_ing cheesecake! I haven't had _any_ in so _bleep_ing long _you will not steal this one joy from my life or so help me God by the power invested in me you will suffer like never before_!!!!" Hitomi was shouting by the end and panted to regain her breath.

"Um…can you put me down?" Yukari asked in a meek and frightened voice. Hitomi blinked, then realized she was holding Yukari high above her head by the front of her shirt, her friend's eyes wide with terror. "And…how did you know I was going to ask for your cheesecake?"

"Er…" Hitomi gulped. "Well, who _wouldn't_?" She carefully placed Yukari back on her feet and gently brushed off her clothes for her. "It's all the same!" She was thinking furiously. "It's just like the day before I met Van and got whisked away to Gaea! How the hell is this even _possible_? I mean, being sent back in time? Come ON!"

Meanwhile, Yukari was rambling on, telling Hitomi about her plans for world domination, until finally she noticed her friend's distracted and melancholic attitude and pulled her to a stop.

"Hey, what's wrong, girlfriend?" She asked, sticking her face into Hitomi's. "You don't look so good! Come on, you can tell me! I _am_ the best friend of this story's heroine, after all! You can trust me!"

"Uh…" Hitomi backed away slightly, mind desperately casting around for a plausible excuse. "It's nothing! I've got…" Hitomi just said the first thing that popped into her head. "…herpes."

"_Herpes_?" Yukari raised an eyebrow.

"Yes! I have herpes!" Hitomi clarified while mentally giving herself a kick in the ass. "It's a new kind, called Bi-polar Herpes! They make you all depressed and whatnot! Now…leave me alone!" She pushed past Yukari and began walking again.

"Hey, wait!" Yukari called from behind. "Do you know about- mmph, mmphh!" The Unseen Forces darted forward and clapped their hands (do they have hands? Well, I guess they do now) over Yukari's mouth, stopping her from saying something important. The meddling bastards!

"Do I know about mmph mmphh?" Hitomi repeated, looking back at Yukari strangely. "The hell's _that_?"

"Oh, never mind! Let's go!" Yukari grabbed her friend's arm and the two ran off down the sidewalk.

-Even Later-

The two girls now stood beneath a bridge in the lazy little town, an orange haze still blanketing the-

Hitomi gave Billy Mays a menacing look and pulled out a small pocketknife.

"I'm-a cut you!" She hissed, eyes wide and crazy-looking. Billy gulped and backed away, deciding that the Home Shopping Network was a better way to sell his product.

"Good _God_, woman!" Yukari groaned and rubbed her aching feet. "How far away is your friggin' house?!"

"I can't really remember," Hitomi admitted. "But at least we have our Magical Traveling Gym Bags!" She tittered at her own joke and hugged her bag.

"Our _what_?" Yukari asked in confusion.

"Buh…" Hitomi stammered, then looked down at her bag, which did nothing but sit there innocently. "Oh, come on! Aren't you gonna swear and threaten me, you stupid thing? Bring it!" She shook the bag to try and provoke it, but nothing happened.

"Uh…Hitomi? You okay?" Yukari took a tentative step back.

"Oh! Uh…" Hitomi coughed nervously, eyes flitting to the right and left. "It's the herpes, man. They make me…seem crazy is all."

"You'd better go see a doctor soon," Yukari sighed, shaking her head. "Anyway, have you even done a Tarot card reading about Amano?"

"I'm a bit frightened to," Hitomi admitted with a shudder. "I'd rather _not_ know what's going on inside that hair-sprayed, insidious noggin of his. If anything at all."

"Oh…" was all Yukari said as she looked away.

"Hey, what's the matter, Yukari?" Hitomi asked, noticing her friend's sudden moodiness. "Don't tell me _you're_ catching the herpes, too!"

"No, that's not it…" Yukari stared at her feet. It was better to just come out and say it. "Hitomi, if you like him, I _really_ think you should tell Amano about it."

"Huh?" Hitomi went blank for a second, then remembered she was supposed to still be _attracted_ to Amano. Ewww. "Oh, uh, yeah!" She stuttered. "He's so hot with his…_girly_ hair and…_bean-pole_ body." She gagged but managed to grin weakly at the camera. "_Hot stuff_!" Hitomi added in a squeak before she lost it and had to dash for the nearby bushes where she doubled over and lost her lunch. Yukari continued completely unawares.

"The thing _is_," she was saying, "I just heard from my bugs and wires hidden all over the school that Amano is leaving the country!" Hitomi had been dragging herself back, but upon hearing Amano's name, had to turn back and rush to the bushes again to make another deposit in the National Bank of Vomit. "His father's gotta go to _England_! They've got to learn how to speak with charmingly adorable accents and to stick out their pinkies when they drink tea! It's _awful_!!"

"_Guh_…" Hitomi had staggered back to Yukari's side and stood there, swaying and barely staying upright. Suddenly Yukari whirled around and grabbed her by the shoulders, looking deep into her eyes.

"You know you're my BFF-" She began.

"Bitchy Freakin' Friend?" Hitomi asked, feeling a bit weak.

"No! Best Friend Forever, _silly_!" Yukari corrected. "I know how you feel!" She hugged her friend tightly, giving her support as only a BFF could.

"Whoo! _Yeaaah_!" Men cheered and whistled as they drove by the scene. "Kiss her! Hey, dude, check out those two hot chick's _totally_ lezzing out!"

_Honk, honk_!

Hitomi's eyes narrowed dangerously, and she quickly jotted down the stupid horny men's license plates so she could pay them a 'visit' later on.

"I know how you feel about him, Hitomi!" Yukari went on. "So you should tell him! You'll regret it if you don't! _Guhhhh_!" She suddenly began sobbing for no apparent reason, startling Hitomi.

"_Damn_, girlie!" She cried, patting her friend's head. "What'cha crying for?"

The Unseen Forces sidled up to Hitomi and leaned in close to whisper in her ear.

"WHAT?!" Hitomi shrieked, body going rigid with shock. "Yukari loves _Amano_?! Oh, sweet bastard! Zombie Lincoln on a pogo-stick!" She shoved Yukari away from her and went running down the street in a zig-zag pattern, arms up in the air and screaming at the top of her lungs all the while.

"Think about what I said!" Yukari called after her, wiping her eyes dry. She turned and squared her shoulders. "Now, to the computer store! _Awaaaaay_!" She leapt off the road and almost got hit by a passing car.

-_Still_ later, With Hitomi-

Hitomi had finally given up on trying to walk the cross-country journey to her house and decided to hop on a train and ride the rest of the way there to save her feet from turning into bloody stumps. Good for her! She now sat on the soft train seat, propping her aching feet up to give them a break.

"_Ouch_…my poor toes…" she whimpered, shifting her Magical Traveling Gym Bag around on her feet, which was filled with several bags of frozen peas to soothe her pained appendages. "Still got nothin' to say, huh?" She taunted the bag, waiting for a response. There was none. "Fine, be that way. I don't know whether to be relieved or even _more_ freaked out. And will this lady stop _singing_?! This is the second time I've had to say something! _Gawd_!"

"Sorry," the same piano-lady apologized, sitting several feet away on her keyboard _in_ the train. Hitomi sighed and looked out the window, feeling sad again. The Unseen Forces tapped her shoulder, making her glance to the side, where she saw a long white feather sitting on the seat next to her.

"Oh my God!" Hitomi gasped aloud. "We've got a giant chicken-monster on the loose in here! Oh, God! It'll peck my eyes out!" She began hyperventilating in panic.

"Calm down, girly! It's _not_ from a chicken!" The lady on the piano sniffed. "It's from that wussy boy from Gaea, _duh_!"

"And how does _that_ make it any better?" Hitomi shot back.

"Good point." The lady turned back to her piano and began playing 'Chopsticks'.

"Hey, lady, when the hell is your stop, anyway?" Hitomi was curious to know.

"Right now!" The lady answered brightly, standing up and attempting to drag her piano out the door as the train ground to a halt. Unfortunately, the large musical instrument couldn't fit out the exit doors, and so they closed and the train began to speed off as the lady yelled and began running alongside, pounding on the door and trying to get the train to stop. Hitomi just waved as she disappeared from view.

"That was even weirder than when I was on Gaea!" Hitomi muttered, then turned to the feather still beside her. She cautiously reached out a hand and touched it, which caused it to immediately explode into sparklies. "Holy crap I'm like King Midas, I destroy everything I touch!" Hitomi gasped. "Wait, that could be useful! What's Amano's phone number, again?" She pulled a small book out of her pocket and began flipping through it.

-Back in Austuria, on Gaea!-

Back in Austuria, Palace, the good guys were having a meeting about what should be done now that Hitomi wasn't there any more. Well…Millerna was having a party more than a meeting, as she was slum-drunk and dancing the night away in celebration of the psychic-girl's departure.

"I ain't missing you at all, _Hitomi_!" Millerna sang along while John Waite's song blared on the boom-box, then dropped it like it was hot and did the booty-dance. "Since you've been _gooooone_!"

"I see no point in living anymore!" Allen wailed, tightening the knot on the noose he'd just constructed. He pulled a chair under it and climbed up. "No!" He shouted at Folken, Van, and Dryden, who watched with bored expressions. "Don't try to stop me, anyone! Please don't!" He stuck his head through the noose and waited several more seconds. "Seriously, don't try! You cannot coerce me to stop, even with your _tears_!"

Folken, Van, and Dryden were drier than deserts.

"No, no matter what you say, I cannot!" Allen went on, poised to hop off the chair and die a horrible death. "Nothing you say will change my mind!"

There was a brief silence.

"Do it!" Van called out. Dryden smacked the back of his head. Folken coughed and cleared his throat. No-one said anything.

"Okay, you're all a bunch of _assholes_!" Allen stated.

"_You're_ the asshole!" Van growled, jumping forward and kicking the chair away from beneath Allen's feet. The Knight of Kaeli gagged loudly as he began to strangle, but unfortunately the knot wasn't tight enough, so he was able to thrash his way free, then fall about six feet to the ground below, where he landed on his back with a loud _thud_!

"Dammit! It's just not _fair_!" Dryden sniffled, feeling so alone since the one person with a _brain_ other than himself was gone forever. He could almost _feel_ his intelligence being drained by the massive amounts of stupid surging in the room.

"Do you think it was Zaibach who took Hitomi away?" Van asked.

"No!" Folken protested, standing near the window. "It's not possible. Even with the power of Dornkirk's sight, it's not possible to create a pillar of light."

"Hey, but _I_ did!" Van argued.

"_That_ was a pillar of stupidity, _not_ to be confused with a pillar of light," Folken quipped. A scoreboard appeared above the brothers' heads, each showing their names. Folken's lit up and five points were added for the insult. So far it was forty-seven to twelve. Van gasped when he saw the score.

"Yeah, well…" Van muttered, trying to think of something, "…you're gay!"

Van's name lit up, and he was deducted ten points.

"HEY!"

"But where did Hitomi _gooo_?!" Allen moaned, finally picking himself up, his hair mussed up, his eyes crossed.

"She went home…" Van said sadly. Everyone looked at him in confusion. "You know!" He held up his index finger and spoke in a creepy croaking voice. "ET phone home! _Ouch_!" Everyone continued to stare blankly. "Oh, forget it!" He blushed and lowered his hand. "She said she wanted to go back to the Messed-Up Moon, right? So she left! End of story!"

"_Hold_ me!" Allen sobbed, trying to wrap his arms around Dryden in his grief.

"No dog-gone WAY!" Dryden hollered, keeping Allen at bay with a chair. "Back! Back!"

"But, this is really good news for _us_, isn't it?" Van ventured weakly.

"Sing it, sister!" Millerna hollered over from her dance-floor, whipping her hair around in a corkscrew and shakin' her tush while simultaneously doing the funky chicken. And no, I don't know how she did it, and I don't _want_ to know.

"Zaibach can't use their fate alteration machine now!" Van explained.

"COMMANDER!!" Gaddess voice interrupted from outside the room. Everyone paused and listened as they heard quickly-approaching footsteps followed by a loud _crash_! as something hit the door with enough force to make it quiver on its hinges. Muffled curses ensued, along with several clicks, then the door swung open and Gaddess stuck his bleeding head into the room. "_Who locked the damn door_?!!" He demanded.

Immediately everyone pointed to someone who was not themselves (whoa. That's confusing).

"I'll keep this in mind when I commit _mass genocide_," Gaddess muttered under his breath. "Anyway, it's the Zaibach army! They've set up a perimeter around our borders!"

"…Hypotenuse…isosceles triangle?" Allen blurted out, face screwed up in confusion. Gaddess rolled his eyes and for the umpteenth time prayed to God for strength to not leap forward and kill the man before him.

"No, sir!" He corrected. "It means we're _surrounded_!"

Everyone gasped in horror.

"Whooo! Pah-_taaay_!" Millerna sang, taking off her bra (don't worry, she's still got a shirt on) and throwing it in the air. It fell in a graceful arc right onto Folken's head, where it draped over his face.

"Alright. Someone get this the EFF off me." Folken whispered in a dangerous voice.

"Oh, but why?" Van simpered, batting his eyelashes. "It _suits_ you!"

The scoreboard popped up again, with Van gaining five points.

"Boo-yah!"

"You _cheated_!"

Dryden looked wistfully at Allen's hanging noose and wondered if it actually worked.

-Elsewhere-

Outside the city of Palace, the enormous Zaibach army had set up camps and posts, with huge melefs dotting the plains and Floating Jellyfish crowding the sky above. Zaibach infantry had set up campfires around the site to keep warm and so they could play an enjoyable game of 'Duck, Duck, Goose', the goose having to clean out the latrines if they couldn't make it around the circle in time.

Meanwhile, all the way back in the country of Zaibach, sorcerers were hard at work, pressing buttons and levers and muttering to themselves.

"We can't pick up the girl's signal!" They despaired. "We are most sorry, Emperor Dornkirk!"

"Not as sorry as you're _gonna_ be if you can't find that hot lil' mama!" Dornkirk snarled, seething in rage. "The unknown element! Why can't _my_ dreams come true?!"

"Because you don't _believe_ hard enough!" Jiminy Cricket chirruped, wheeling up to Dornkirk's side in a miniature wheel chair. He was sporting a few casts on his many legs, and a bandage on an antennae, but he still drew in a deep breath and began to croon: "_When you wish…upon a staaaar….makes no difference who you aaaare_!"

Dornkirk frowned in disgust at the miniscule abomination sitting beside him and _sloooowly_, ever so slowly, began reaching into his pocket and drawing out his flyswatter. Jiminy had just gotten to the 'dreams come true' part when Dornkirk brought the swatter down like a megaton hammer and smacked Jiminy into oblivion.

_Smack! Smack! Smack_!

Dornkirk paused and observed his handiwork. Jiminy Cricket was now nothing more than an indistinguishable smear on the side of his chair.

_Smack! Smack_!

Dornkirk waited several more seconds.

_Smack_!

Okay, he was done for real this time.

"Alright, what was I doing again?" Dornkirk asked as he wiped the flyswatter off and came back to reality.

"Being all sinister and evil, sir."

"Ah, yes." Instantly Dornkirk adopted a sinister and evil look, which involved pursing his lips and narrowing his eyes. _Creeeepy_!

-Back in Austuria-

It was night in the city of Palace, and you know what _that_ means! Girl's night out for Allen Schezar! Just kidding. Anyway, in the forest just outside the bustling city, the familiar Beam o' Light touched down and deposited a certain _someone_ into the surrounding wood.

"We hope you've enjoyed your flight on the 'Beam o' Light Express'," a pleasant female voice chirped. "Please be sure to visit us again for any of your teleporting needs! Also, please remain seated until we have come to a full stop and the 'Fasten Seatbelts' light has turned off. Have a nice day!"

High up above the darkened forest, the luminous Messed-Up Moon threw its eerie rays down onto the items dropped by the now fading Beam o' Light. There were the trashed remains of a very familiar red Guymelef with spinners and fuzzy dice with flames in the window. …Gee, I _wonder_ whose it is. Besides the abandoned Guymelef lay a discarded leather jacket and boots. What, we got a streaker out here or something? Don't worry, I'll keep it 'teen' if there is. I do love the censors!

A strange youth wearing black leather pants and a light tank-top was wandering around the mist-filled woods, alone and confused. The youth was barefoot, and obviously had no idea where s/he was trying to go. The Unseen Forces took charge, however, and nudged the person this way and that until s/he came to a sign driven into the ground.

"Hey, ladies!" It read in pink, flowy script. "Lookin' for a good time? Then head on over to _my_ house, sweeties! –Allen Schezar, Sexiest Man in All of Gaea." The sign was an arrow that pointed to the left, where the lights of a distant house could be seen. The lost youth stood stubbornly next to the sign until the Unseen Forces lost their patience and were forced to drag the person toward the house. Poor thing.

-Back With Hitomi-

Finally, after what had felt like _months_, Hitomi had made it home. Phew! It was a modest house, actually a bit bigger than it looked from the outside, and Hitomi was glad to be home. She burst in, greeting her family members with cheer.

"Hey, mom! Hey, non-existent dad and brother! How are you all _doing_?!" She gave everyone a hug before dashing up the stairs to her beloved bedroom.

"What's up with _her_?" The non-existent father wondered.

"Told you she was a pothead," the non-existent brother muttered. A few hours later, Hitomi's mother called up the stairs.

"Hitomi, your bath is ready!"

"About _time_!" Hitomi huffed.

"_What_ was that, missy?!" Her mother barked.

"Er…nothing, oh dearest mother who birthed me!" Hitomi called down in a sweet voice. "I gotta stop being so aggressive now that I'm home."

Hitomi had changed out of her crusty and sweat-stained school uniform (men boo) and into a long-sleeved shirt and short jean skirt (men cheer). She collapsed onto her bed, physically and mentally exhausted. She glanced at a picture sitting on her dresser and couldn't help but chuckle. The picture showed Amano getting slapped by a red-faced Hitomi after the first time he'd hit on her. A shocked-looking Yukari stood in the corner of the frame, wondering whether to call Hitomi off or help her with the assault.

"Oh, Yukari…" Hitomi murmured as she gazed at the photo. "You loved Amano all this time, didn't you? _Guhhh_…" she shuddered at the thought. "There are too damn many _love_ triangles in this anime!"

She sat up and hugged her knees to her chest, the entire male audience leaning forward expectantly but were disappointed when nothing was visible. Stinking perverted men! _Smack_!

"I thought I was serious about Amano…" Hitomi went on. "_Seriously out of my mind_. What the heck was I _thinking_, having a crush on that bozo?"

A gentle breeze blew in from the open window, ruffling the curtains and shifting the pack of Tarot cards sitting on Hitomi's desk. The Unseen Forces flicked a certain card off the pile and sent it floating over toward Hitomi. She looked up just in time for it to-

"OW! _BLEEP_!" She cursed loudly, clutching her face. "Right in the _eye_! Thanks a lot, a-holes!" She muttered a few more choice swear words, then bent and picked up the card. Turning it over, she saw it was the Tower card, the very card she'd drawn that night before being spirited away to Gaea. "Oh, yeah, yeah. I _know_ already!" She flung the card violently back at the Unseen Forces, who ducked out of the way, then flopped down onto her bed again. "I knew it was too good to be true."

-In Austuria, With Allen-

Back at Allen's love shack- I mean, _house_, in Austuria, the effeminate man sat in his living room by the fireplace, decked out in a bathrobe and hair curlers and talking to himself. Yes, you heard me right. _He's talking to himself_. Gonorrhea can make you do that.

"Oh, daddy!" Allen sobbed, speaking to the empty chair sitting opposite him, "I was ready to totally _do_ her! Do her and be her _baby-daddy_! But she left! In a second she was _gone_!" He wiped his eyes and sniffled. Nearby, his pet owl shifted on its perch and frantically beat its wings in an attempt to escape the torture of listening to its master rant, but sadly the poor owl was trapped in the iron cage that had been meant for Hitomi. _Eesh_. Good thing she ran.

"For some reason I can't explain," Allen went on, voice quavering, "my horniness is surprisingly calm. I mean, I miss her adorable bosoms and nicely-shaped legs now that she's gone, but…I'm also _happy_, because now I can be considered _single_ again! Watch out, ladies! I'm-a comin' for _you_!" He pointed at the camera and winked suggestively.

Girls everywhere shrieked and ran away from their computer screens in terror.

"Maybe it was just that I saw my long-lost sister Selena in her," Allen mused, rubbing his chin. "Which is pretty dang _creepy_ considering how I wanted to get it on with Hitomi, but I'll stop talking about that now because the fic author is glaring and shaking her head at me. Plus she's got a gun." He blinked rapidly several times, then looked at the chair across from him.

A ghostly image of his deceased father faded into view, sitting in the chair and giving his son the middle finger.

"…I gotta stop drinking." Allen whispered, quickly putting down his glass of wine and rubbing his eyes. Suddenly, his pet owl hooted in warning, and the front door opened. Allen rose from his chair to see the wandering youth from the woods, who turned out to be the confused/autistic girly from the Zaibach garden who had a taste for escargot. Remember her? 'Course ya do.

"Hello, my dear!" Allen cooed, stepping closer. "And welcome to my abode! _Do_ come in!"

"Uh…" the girl glanced around uncertainly, a bit nervous. "It's me. Your sister, Selena. That was one crazy trip to Cancun, I'll tell ya."

"Wha…" Allen's mouth fell open. "But you're so _hot_! And you're _Selena_? Really? Oh, sissy, I missed you so- _really_? Gosh, darnit! Where have you been all these- REALLY?"

-Back to Hitomi-

Hitomi sat in her bedroom, still holding the accursed Tower card in her hand.

"This card…" she said softly, "it brings back so many memories…_bad_ memories..." Suddenly a vision of Escaflowne popped up before her eyes, the Ispano Guymelef standing on a scarred battlefield amidst a red sunset. "Hey! I said _memories_, not _visions_! Get it right! Stupid Escaflowne…"

She shifted around, looked out the window at the moon, glanced at her tarot cards, then finally turned to her pink pendant.

"Awww, do I _have_ to?" She whined, sticking her lower lip out sulkily.

"_Yes_," the Unseen Forces stated firmly. Hitomi sighed and stood up, slowly approaching the Tarot card deck sitting on her desk. She stared at them for a whole five minutes before the Unseen Forces became irritated and prodded her shoulder to remind her of her task.

"Hold on a minute!" Hitomi barked in annoyance. "I'm building up the moment!"

"No, you're _stalling_!" The Unseen Forces hissed.

"Oh, _bleep_ you!" Hitomi snapped, snatching up her cards. She flipped up the first card and gaped at it. "What the…? Miss Cleo's business card? How'd _that_ get in there?!" She tossed it aside and grabbed the next one.

It was the Ace of Serpents, just as she had anticipated.

"_Why_?" Hitomi wondered, at a loss. "Why is this happening _again_? I don't _wanna_ go back to those losers! I wanna stay here with-"

"_Amano_?" The Unseen Forces butted in.

"I see your point." Hitomi coughed, rethinking her priorities. Maybe if she-

Suddenly a vision of Van appeared before her, the young and stupid Fanelian King smiling and laughing.

"Oh, Van. You idiot. _Sniffle_." Hitomi began to cry. "I…miss him. I can't believe it! I actually _miss_ the little bastard! No! It can't be! Quick, what was Miss Cleo's number?! Where'd that card go?!" She dived to her knees and began searching desperately.

-With (Speak of the Devil) Van-

Van lay on the roof of the windmill in Austuria, gazing up at the Messed-Up Moon in the sky above with such melancholy it made one feel as if he were depression incarnate. He let out a forlorn sigh and wondered if he should write some dark poetry to relieve some of his pent-up emotions, like Folken had suggested.

"Lord Van, will you come _inside_ already?!" Merle's annoying voice cut through the thick, depressed air like a sharp knife. "You've been lying out in the sun sighing for _hours_! It's getting really annoying! Plus you're as red as a cooked lobster."

"I am _not_!" Van shouted back, failing to notice his ruby-red (and sizzling) skin. "Just leave me alone, Merle! You don't understand my _pain_!"

"Quit bein' all emo, Lord Van!" Merle chided, her head popping up beside him. "Just tell me what's the matter, and I'll leave you alone! You don't seem like your usual idiot self. You and Folken haven't even _fought_ today! Please, tell me!" Van was tempted at the idea of Merle finally giving him so peace and quiet, but discarded the notion. Some things were just plain _impossible_.

"It's nothing," he stated, wishing Merle would fall off the roof.

"You're thinking about Hitomi again, aren't you?" Merle said suddenly. Van gasped and stared at her in shock.

"What the- stop reading my _mind_, devil-cat!" He used his fingers to make a cross and jabbed them in front of his body to protect himself.

"Calm down before you have a hernia!" Merle sniffed. "I've always been by your side, Lord Van, whether you wanted me there or not."

"Tell me about it…" Van grumbled under his breath.

"I know you better than _anyone_," Merle continued, "and it's _not_ just cause I read your diary every night!"

"You WHAT?!" Van spluttered.

"You're thinking about her, aren't you?" Merle asked rather sadly. "You love her, don't you?"

"_Love_ her?" Van blinked and thought hard. Smoke began seeping out of his ears, drifting into the blue sky above. "Yeah, you're right!" Van concluded. "I DO love Hitomi! Thanks, Merle!"

"Wha…?" Merle blinked in confusion. "No, wait! I just said it because I was sure you'd _deny_ it! I take it back! I take it _baaaaaaaack_!"

-With Allen-

It was evening, and Allen had brought his long-lost sister Selena to visit their mother's grave in the graveyard of Austuria. Princess Eries had joined them, wanting at least one responsible adult to be there to supervise in case anything happened. Selena had changed from her strange duds into a light robe and some pants. She was now doodling on her mother's gravestone, while Allen chuckled behind her.

"_That's_ the spirit!" He cheered. "Just like old times!"

"So…that's _really_ Selena?" Princess Eries asked, raising an eyebrow at the dazed-looking girl. A butterfly flitted past her face, and Selena instantly hopped up and chased it around the graveyard until she ran head-first into a tree. "_I'm_ convinced." Eries muttered.

"Yes. It's been years, but I recognize her," Allen explained as Selena staggered back to her feet. "My horniness radar is at an all-time low around her, which means she _has_ to be my sister or I'm losin' my mojo."

"However much we may wish for the latter to be true," Princess Eries added to herself.

"What was that?" Allen jibed, cupping his ears with his hands and smiling mockingly at the Princess. "Couldn't _hear_ ya, toots! Speak louder!" Eries said nothing, only glared daggers at him and tried to hate him to _death_. Sadly, it didn't work. "My poor little sister!" Allen said, changing the subject. "She doesn't remember where she's been all this time. Kinda like _me_ after a night of heavy drinking and partying!"

"Don't compare her to _you_," Eries snapped. "She's just lost her memory, is all."

"Princess Eries," Allen said suddenly, "how 'bout baby-sitting my sister for me? I'm _waaaay_ to busy!" He took out his small organizer and flipped to his schedule. "Be horny, be horny, flirt with the ladies," he read aloud, "go to the salon, be horny, insult Van, be horny. See? I'm _booked_!" Princess Eries's eye twitched in annoyance, but she was able to suppress her inner rage with a reminder that God was watching. Plus it wasn't like she was _surprised_ by Allen's irresponsibility, anyway!

"Tee hee!" Selena, sitting before her mother's grave and oblivious to the ongoing conversation, suddenly smirked evilly (and a lot like someone we know. Wonder who _that_ is?). Her hand moved like lightning and she snatched a fluttering butterfly right out of the air and crushed it to smithereens.

"Eeek, no!" The butterfly gurgled in its death-throes. "You asked for it, toots! Ala-kazam! _Guuurk_!" Then it died. Selena gasped in shock, her eyes going wide and body trembling.

"Oh, _fine_. I'll do it," Princess Eries finally agreed to play baby-sitter for Allen. "She's the sister of a Knight of Kaeli, no matter how idiotic he may be. I'll take care of her at the palace."

"I'm only paying minimum wage!" Allen warned.

"Cheapskate!" Eries retorted.

"EARS!" Allen shot back.

"Yeeek!" Selena screamed aloud, doubling over as if in pain.

"Oh, Selena!" Allen gasped and rushed over. "Are you okay? Do you have a tummy-ache after the cake and ice-cream I gave you for breakfast?"

"You're _terrible_ with children!" Princess Eries declared.

"_DOI_!" Allen shouted. "Why d'ya think I asked YOU to take care of her?!"

Selena ignored them both, instead sobbing and clutching her head as changes suddenly began happening to her body. And no, I _don't_ mean puberty! Her shoulders broadened and hair color slowly turned from its normal light brown to a silverish, light-blue sheen. Selena slowly turned around to reveal-

"_Whoa_!" Allen whistled appreciatively, raising an eyebrow. "You suddenly got even _hotter_, Selena! I'm impressed!"

"What the?! Who the hell is Selena?! It's _me_, Dilandau!" Dilly growled.

Indeed, it was. Oh, such cruel fate, that the beloved little sister of Allen had suddenly turned into a crazed and psychotic pyromaniac! What on earth is going ON?!

"_Whaaa_?!" Allen's jaw fell open as he recognized the sadistic Dragon Slayer leader. "But you…! But she…! The…the penis and the vagina…HOW?!"

"Ugh! You _pervert_!" Dilandau's lip curled in disgust and he took a step back. "You were _hitting_ on me! You'd better get your freak OFF, Schezar, before I set you on _fire_!"

"Oh…oh GOD!" Allen finally realized he'd been flirting with a _dude_. "Ohhhh! Oh my GOD!" He clapped a hand over his mouth and ran to puke behind a nearby gravestone, accidentally pushing Princess Eries in her hobbleskirt to the ground as he shoved past her.

"Where the hell _am_ I?!" Dilandau demanded to know. Then he looked down at himself. "And what the _bleep_ am I _wearing_?! Gross, this is _totally_ not my style! The frickin' shoes don't even match this robe! _Bleep_!"

"What are you, a doppelganger?!" Allen gasped, staggering back and wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his shirt.

"Uh, a little help, here!" Princess Eries called from the mud, unable to rise to her feet because of her stupid constricting skirt. Come on, lady! You'd think she'd learn after the _first_ time, but _noooo_! Neither Allen nor Dilandau took any notice of her, anyway.

"I'm outta this _dump_!" Dilandau growled, pulling out a dog-whistle he'd managed to hide on his person (don't ask me how). Bringing it to his lips, he blew on it long and hard. "Jajuka! Here, boy! Heel!"

"Woof, woof, woof! _Pant, pant_!" An invisible Guymelef melted into view not ten feet away, with the loyal Jajuka piloting it. How sweet!

"Jajuka!" Dilandau cried happily, a smile on his face and eyes sparkling.

Jajuka wagged his tail and the Guymelef approached.

"BAD DOG!" Dilandau barked, hitting Jajuka with a rolled-up newspaper. "Bad! Where the hell _were_ you?! I had to wait, like, _five_ whole seconds! What the _eff_, man?!"

"Sorry, Master," Jajuka whined, scooping up Dilandau in his large melef hands.

"Hey, wait! Get back here!" Allen hollered as the Guymelef disappeared from view again, then took off into the sky in a blast of air. "That's _my_ robe! I got it for half-off at Macy's for fourteen-ninety-five! It was a bargain! Fourteen-ninety-_fiiiiiive_!!" He ran off sobbing, leaving Eries stranded and alone in the graveyard for the second time that month.

"One day," Princess Eries whispered to herself, "I _will_ kill him."

-Later on That Day-

Allen stood before Folken in a room of the castle, the ex-sorcerer standing next to a window, letting the moon's rays wash over his face.

"Dilandau?" Folken repeated the name in such a tone he made it sound like he'd just said a bad word. "Sorry, but I ain't touching _that_ with a ten-foot pole." He shook his head softly. "I don't know, nor do I _want_ to, much about his past. Personally, I theorize he was born when a jackal fornicated with the devil himself and then gave birth to the evil hell-child we all know and hate, but hey, that's just _my_ opinion."

Allen was staring at the man with wide, frightened eyes, and stood stock still, as if not daring to move.

"…Are you gonna suck my blood?" He finally whispered. Folken rolled his eyes.

"_Hey_." He pointed at his new, non-creepy attire. "_Robes_." As if that explained everything. "Anyway, I'm pretty sure his past has something to do with the sorcerers."

"The sorcerers?" Dryden scoffed, as he was there, too. "Sounds like some Dungeon's and Dragon's guild." The Princesses Millerna and Eries were also squeezed into the small room, the older sister plastered with mud and shooting evil glares at the back of Allen's head.

"They're Zaibach scientists who answer only to Dornkirk," Folken explained. "When they feel like it. They're also…extremely creepy."

"I don't suppose you were even o-"

_Smack_!

Dryden quickly silenced Allen with a smack upside the head.

"They're a _very_ dangerous group of men," Folken continued. "Rumor has it-"

"No I did NOT sleep with the laundry lady!" Allen interjected.

"No-one _said_ you did!" Dryden snapped.

"-that in order to change a person's fate," Folken went on, ignoring the two, "they performed experiments on live subjects." He paused for dramatic effect. "They used…_kidnapped children_."

Everyone gasped aloud in horror. Everyone except Allen.

"SO?" Allen crossed his arms in defiance. "What the heck does _that_ have to do with Selena?" Dryden rolled his eyes and leaned in close to Allen's ear to whisper something in it. "Your stubble is tickly!" Allen giggled. Dryden made a disgusted face, then whispered some more. Finally understanding dawned on Allen's face, and his eyes went wide with shock. "You mean _Selena_ was experimented on and turned into a dude, that dude being _Dilandau_?"

"_Yes_!" Folken growled. "That's what I've been trying to _tell_ you all this time, you nitwit!"

"OH." Allen stated. Then his eyes rolled up into the back of his head and he fainted dead away. No-one made any attempt to catch him.

-Aaand Back With Hitomi-

Hitomi, although happy to finally be back home and on Earth, _wasn't_ too thrilled about having to go back to school. She sat in her classroom, extremely bored as the elderly teacher droned on and on about today's history lesson.

"I assume you've all heard about how Newton-" Here the teacher paused and stared pointedly at the camera. "_Isaac_…Newton…" he turned back to the class, "…discovered universal gravitation when he was bonked in the balls by a falling apple while sitting under an apple tree. There are also stories of how Newton was a colossal horndog who loved the ladies, and was a complete _loon_, but these are unfounded rumors." In the teacher's withered old hand was an apple, and he tossed it into the air as he continued with his lecture.

Hitomi couldn't help but gasp as she watched the apple arch its way up and down in slow-mo, the world almost slowing as the red orb fell.

_Groooowl_!

"So…_hungry_…" Hitomi whimpered, eyes still glued to the juicy apple. "When the hell is lunch, anyway?" She looked down to check her watch and was surprised to find another white feather sitting on her desk. It disappeared in glowing sparklies, just like the first one!

"He's…_calling_…" Hitomi whispered, tears filling her eyes. "Oh, Van! You could at least send me a text-message! I mean, _really_!"

"Kanzaki! No talking during class! That's a demerit for you!"

"Oh, go _bleep_ a pony!"

-In Zaibach-

Back in the huge Zaibach factory, a ring of sorcerers (including William Du-Fancy-Pants) were working on doing something undoubtedly _bad_.

"My Lord Dornkirk!" A skeletal sorcerer with a funny goatee reported, "Preparations are now complete! If we supplement the gravity between the girl and the Dragon, we believe it's possible to generate elemental fate particles!"

Dornkirk stared at the sorcerer with a blank expression on his face.

"Mmmkay, you lost me after 'My Lord Dornkirk'," he stated matter-of-factly. "How 'bout _dumbin'_ it down for me, boys?"

"Uh…" the goateed sorcerer thought for a moment. "We're good to go, sir."

"Alright, _that's_ more like it!" Dornkirk clapped his hands and turned away. "Gravity is at work! The girl _will_ appear here on Gaea once again! And this time…" He reached into his robes and slowly withdrew an expensive-looking camera with zoom-in lens. "I'll be _ready_! Say cheese, guys!"

All the sorcerers grinned dorkily and leaned in close to one another as their emperor snapped a picture of them for the photo album.

_Click_!

-With Hitomi, Once Again-

Hitomi stood in the girl's locker room, having changed from her school uniform again (men boo) to a small shirt with almost non-existent short-shorts (men go wild). She was standing in front of Yukari's desk, holding her pendant, and remembering how she was supposed to go see Amano and ask for a kiss if she could break her track record. She was having serious thoughts of running the _hell_ away and hiding until the day was over.

"_Hitomiiiiii_!" Yukari busted down the locker-room door with a savage kick, then leapt in over the debris to her friend's side. Hitomi was so caught up with her problems she didn't even flinch as the door went sailing past her. "What're you _doing_?!" Yukari demanded, landing next to her. "If you don't hurry, Amano's gonna leave! _Hitomi_!"

"Oh, let him!" Hitomi grumbled, closing her hand over her pendant and turning to meet Yukari's gaze. "I'm sorry, Yukari!" She blurted out.

"Huh?" Yukari said dumbly.

"You're my BFF, and I didn't notice it because I didn't think it was _possible_!" Hitomi went on regardless, not caring if she made any sense at all. "But I have to go now, I wanna see him!" She wrapped her arms around Yukari in a tight hug. "I need to see that wussy loser again! I hope you can forgive me!" She hugged her tighter.

_Honk, honk_!

"_Whooo_!" Men in cars drove by in the hallway outside the room, which I don't think is even possible, but it shows ya how horny men can be.

"You're my BFF!" Hitomi sobbed while simultaneously taking out a dart gun and shooting out one of the passing cars's tires, making the vehicle veer off and crash into the wall. "See ya!" Hitomi let go of Yukari and sprinted away. Yukari stood unmoving for several moments, then shook her head.

"She's gone off the _deep_ end!"

-With Van, and There's a Whole Bunch of Other Scene Changes so no More Headers-

Back in Gaea, Van had hopped onto the back of the Escaflowne (Dragon mode) and was now riding around the night sky in a vain attempt to locate his missing psychic chick.

"Oh, _alright_! I'll help ya out this one time," the Escaflowne finally conceded, "but _only_ because you're so hopeless with women!"

"Thanks, Esca!" Van smiled warmly, then frowned as his brain processed that last part. "Hey, wait-"

"Let's look higher!" The Escaflowne interrupted, pulling up and flying even higher into the star-lit sky. Merle watched the two soar upward from the rooftop of the windmill and felt sorely put out.

"Oh, Lord Van…" she whimpered, a tear in her eye. "You're _so_ dead when you get back!" So saying, she pulled out her nail-file-necklace thing and began sharpening her deadly claws into points. Run, Van, run! Don't _ever_ go back!

Dornkirk's globe began glowing ominously, a sure-fire sign that _somethin'_ was goin' down.

"Elemental fate particles at critical!" Sorcerers reported. "Now activating!"

"Baby, I can't talk right now!" William Du-Fancy-Pants argued on his cell phone. "I don't _know_ what color the baby's room should be! I'm a man! Plus, I'm at work! _Gawd_!" He hung up and stormed away to mess with some lever-thingies. Dornkirk, meanwhile, was peeping into his telescope for any sign of Hitomi.

The Escaflowne flew right, left, up, and down, with still no sign of the missing girl.

"Hitomi!" Van thought to himself. "I wanna see you again! Not just your chest and legs, like Allen, but _all_ of you!" Aww, hey, that's kinda sweet!

Hitomi stepped out to her mark on the track-field, the sun setting below the horizon and setting everything aflame with an orange glow once again. Amano whistled at her from the sidelines, her pendant held out before him as he waited for her signal.

"You ready, toots?" He asked.

"Yeah," Hitomi called back, then added quietly, "ready to punch you in the _face_." Suddenly she remembered something that was supposed to happen and so quickly brought up her hands to shield her eyes as the stadium lights snapped on, blindingly strong with power equal to a hundred thousand suns.

"My _hair_!" Amano shrieked.

Hitomi lowered her hands to see Yukari waving from the other side of the field.

"Good thing I remembered that in time," Hitomi sighed, glad her eyes were still functional. "Wait, how the hell did Yukari reach the light switch if she's _way over there_?!"

Beside her, the Unseen Forces cleared their throats.

"Oh. I shoulda _known_." Hitomi crouched down and placed her feet on her marks, bum up in the air, hands touching the ground before her. Time to do this thing.

"Ready?" Amano called.

"Yes!" Hitomi answered.

There was a brief pause.

"Just a few more seconds…" Amano said, eyes glued to Hitomi's raised tush.

"Oh, you freakin' perv! I'm _going_!" Hitomi snapped. She took off from her mark in slow-mo, legs churning, arms pumping, as the theme from Chariot's of Fire began to play- "Not _that_ again!" Hitomi hollered at Yukari, who held a boom-box over her head. "Change it!" Yukari shrugged and hit a button, making the song change to Big Daddy Yankee's 'Gasolina', the incomprehensible gibberish setting the mood perfectly. "That's more like it!"

The Escaflowne flew straight upward into the sky, while Van clutched at the reins and shrieked in fear.

"Too high! Too high!" He squealed, gasping for breath in the thinning atmosphere.

"Quiet!" The Escaflowne barked. "There's something over here, I can _feel_ it!"

As if on cue, Hitomi's pendant began to glow, as well as Dornkirk's huge globe! Sadly the power was too much for it, and it began cracking and sparking violently.

"Lifetime guarantee, my _ass_!" Dornkirk snarled to himself, whipping out his shades to protect his eyes. Look out, William!

The Escaflowne, still flying skyward, suddenly disappeared in a ray of sparkles, the beam of light shooting toward the Messed-Up Moon.

"Uh…seventy-two…fifty-nine…forty-seven? Purple?" Amano was still hopeless with numbers, but thankfully Yukari was at his side keeping the correct count.

"Six, seven- huh?!" Yukari gasped in surprise as a lightning bolt shot down from the sky in front of Hitomi, who was running straight for it unheedingly.

"Well, it's _about_ time!" The psychic girl huffed, closing in.

"Not my hair _again_!" Amano wailed, his normally smooth and silky mane now standing up and frizzled. From the blinding lightning bolt descended Van perched atop the Dragon-form Escaflowne, shrieking in fear at the sudden transportation from one world to another.

"IEEEEE- _Hitomi_!" Van's fear disappeared in the blink of an eye as he stopped screaming like a little girl and smiled down at her, holding out his hand. "Hey, baby! Wanna go for a ride?"

"Oh, just shut up and let's go!" Hitomi hollered, taking his hand without even punching him. WOW!

"It's alright now!" Van promised, pulling Hitomi up next to him. "I'll never let you-"

"Eeep!" Hitomi slipped from his grasp and fell on her bum.

_Thud_!

"-go!" Van finished. "Sorry, sorry!" He hurriedly picked her up and dusted her off with care.

"See? You really _are_ hopeless!" The Escaflowne chuckled.

"I'm sorry, please don't hit me!" Van pleaded as Hitomi stood up.

"Oh, Van!" She just hugged him as the Beam o' Light swept down and engulfed them, Guymelef and all. "Hey! You touched my butt!"

_Slap_!

"Ow! No I didn't, you crazy broad!"

"_Nooo_! Give her back, Martian man!" Amano hollered, running over to the pillar of light where Hitomi was being lifted. "I was supposed to _score_ with her!" He held up his hand, and Hitomi's pendant drifted up to reunite with its owner.

"…Is that the alternate dimension Allen?" Van asked.

"YES. Go higher, Esca!" Hitomi urged.

"You got it, sister!" The Escaflowne cried. They rose out of sight and disappeared, the Beam o' Light following close behind.

-Back in the World of Gaea-

Van and Hitomi were deposited by the Beam o' Light in a red-rocked, sun-baked canyon far out in the middle of nowhere. The Escaflowne spread its wings and landed gently on the red rocks, the burning rays from the Beam o' Light slowly dissipating around it. Van looked up, stared at the surrounding canyon, wilderness, and two moons in the sky, then stated:

"Judging by these surroundings…I'm almost 75 sure this is _Gaea_."

"Well no freakin' DUH, Einstein!" That same rabbit from Episode 3 shrieked. "It'd take a _real_ idiot not to know-"

_Konk_!

The rabbit went crashing back as a good-sized rock made contact with its little noggin.

"Get outta here!" Hitomi hollered, picking up another stone. "Go! Scat!" The rabbit quickly got the message and limped away. Van stared at Hitomi with his mouth hanging open.

"I…LOVE you," he whispered, affection gleaming in his eyes.

Suddenly the two lovebirds noticed a whole bunch of dead bodies littering the canyon and forest beyond, which sure as hell wasn't normal (or at least I hope not) and _totally_ ruined the mood.

"What the heck's going on?" Van wondered, making a face at the nasty smell. "Who threw the party and didn't invite _us_? That was just…_mean_!"

"I've returned…" Hitomi thought to herself. "To Gaea! To a world at war, and full of stupidity." She closed her eyes and clutched her pendant. "God give me _strength_!"

-Episode 24 End-

Note: No rabbits were harmed in the making of this fic.

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: There, done! I'm moving into a dorm soon (as college starts in less than two weeks) so I don't know if they next fic will be delayed or not. I'll try as hard as I can to do it, but if it can't be done, then it'll probably about a week late. Sorry! Hope you liked this one! Review, please!


	25. Episode 25: Zone of Absolute Misfortune

Author's Note: Geez, finally! I'm so sorry this is so late! First our house was being worked on and I had to stay elsewhere during the day, then I had to move to college! Then once I got _there_, I realized I'd forgotten something I needed to make the fic! _Gahhh_! But finally I was able to go back home and grab it, then return here and start working. Sorry again! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 25

Zone of Absolute Misfortune

Recap: Hitomi's dream came true, and she was transported back to Earth! Hooray! But there she was immediately accosted by Allen- er, I mean, his alternate-dimension version, Amano. Boo! She shows Amano her pendant (the one she filched from her granny, mind you) and then has a lapse of déjà vu. Thankfully Yukari barges in and ruins the moment, if there even was one. The two girls walk home together, and the day passes by much like the first episode did, with Yukari wanting Hitomi's cheesecake and the like. Hitomi starts noticing things that she missed the first time around, like how Yukari has the hots of Amano. _Blaaargh_! Sorry 'bout that, couldn't help myself. The girls depart, with Hitomi traveling the rest of the hundred and some miles to her house by bus, where strange white feathers begin stalking her for some odd reason. Meanwhile, back in Gaea, Allen attempts to kill himself while everyone else simply cheers him on, and Millerna gets smashed in celebration. Gaddess busts in and ruins the party with bad news – Zaibach has them surrounded! Uh, oh! Dornkirk does some dumb stuff, and a Beam o' Light drops off a strange youth into the woods near Allen's house. Hitomi is forced to do another Tarot card reading by the Unseen Forces, and the strange youth turns out to be Allen's long-lost sister, Selena! Van is PMSing back at the windmill, and Merle actually helps him realize it's because he _lurrrves_ Hitomi. Aww! Allen takes Selena to the graveyard to see their mommy, and there the sister turns into a brother, literally! And no, not a brutha or black person, I mean a skinny, borderline-albino boy with a fetish for setting things on fire – Dilandau. _Whaaat_? He splits the scene when his loyal doggy companion Jajuka shows up and whisks him away, leaving Allen to go to Folken with many questions. Folken explains that Selena was probably messed with as a kid, and changed into the pyromaniac we all know and love. That's…_kinda_ weird. Hitomi gets Amano to do the swinging-pendant thing while she runs like the first time, and once again Van appears, taking her back to Gaea! Once back there, it turns out the war has already begun. _Wheeee_!

The war had begun, and Gaea looked like hell. A huge, ruined battlefield spread out wide across the desolate landscape, littered with the corpses of soldiers, human and Guymelef alike. Broken banners fluttered sadly in the breeze, and a fetid stink was on the wind.

"Van!" Hitomi barked, smacking his shoulder.

"Sorry!" Van blushed, looking ashamed.

"Dammit! That wasn't funny!" Hitomi pinched her nose closed and fanned at the air. "Warn me before you do that next time!"

"Hey, I can't help it!" Van stated. "You know I love Taco Bell!"

They were in a canyon at a small encampment of allied soldiers (meaning these are the 'Good Guys'), and stood next to the Escaflowne while two soldiers in black and blue armor kneeled before them imploringly, telling them what had taken place while they were gone.

"It was so humiliating!" One soldier growled. "We just couldn't hold in the face of Zaibach's military might! Plus…they totally _killed_ us at Dance-Dance-Revolution. Their moves…so original and inventive! _Guhh_!" Here he broke down and began weeping quietly.

"But still," the other soldier finished, "we must _hold_ this position!"

"You mean like this?" Van asked innocently. He leaned forward, arched his back so his bum was in the air, looked at the camera, and make a kissy-face while winking. Everyone stared at him in silence.

"NO, Van," Hitomi sighed, shaking her head in shame. "Down, boy."

"Aww, you're no fun!"

"It's the middle of an effing WAR!"

"Sing it, sister!" The Escaflowne joined in.

"_You_ stay out of it!" Van and Hitomi yelled at the melef.

"Ya don't have to _shout_!" The melef shot back, sounding hurt.

"We _have_ to hold the line until the alliance's main forces arrive!" The soldier went on regardless of the (strange) fight. "We soldiers of Cezario will gladly lay down our lives!"

"Geez, what are you guys, _emo_?!" Van butted in, grabbing the soldier by the neck and giving him a shake. "Don't go down the same road as my loser brother! It's a dark, _dark_ road!"

"However," the other soldier explained, "our remaining soldiers are few, and our moral is even fewer. The only thing that's keepin' us here is the free pizza and booze."

"Understandably," Van said mildly, nodding. Hitomi glared at him.

"Perhaps…if we had some _help_…" the soldier hinted subtly. It went right over Van's head.

"Eh?" He asked, scratching his ass and cocking his head to the side. The soldier grumbled but tried again.

"We could _really_ use the _aide_ of someone right now…"

"Yeah? Who?" Van, once again, didn't get it.

"…Someone who's _here_…_with us_…at this _very moment_…" The soldier gave up on subtlety and began saying the obvious.

"…Who, him?" Van pointed at the other Cezarian soldier.

"Alright, _dumbass_! Use the Escaflowne to help us!" The soldier exploded, losing his patience at Van's monumental stupidity. It sure happens a lot. Van blinked.

"OH."

"It would muster the troop's morale!" The second soldier added. "And we'd have a comedy show to boot! Please, see fit to aide us! We'll fight side by side!" The two soldiers bowed low, nearly begging Van for his help.

"Gee, I dunno, guys…" Van sighed and scrunched his brow as he thought about it. Suddenly his face lit up as an idea came to mind. "Okay, listen. I'll do it if you two…make out."

"Van!" Hitomi cried, scandalized.

"Don't worry," Van laughed, waving a hand at her. "They'll _never_ do it! It's a guaranteed win!"

"Sometimes I think you're an evil genius, kid…" The Escaflowne mused.

The two soldiers stared at each other awkwardly, glanced at Van, than looked back at each other again. Then they leapt at one another and started kissing.

"Oh, God! They actually _did_ it!" Van gasped in dismay. "I can't _believe_ this! Crap! Okay, fine! I'll help you! You two can stop now." The two men continued kissing. "Hey! I said you can _stop_!" Still kissing. "…Guys?"

"_Eww_…" Hitomi made a face and covered her eyes.

Van was suddenly bombarded with recurring images from his past. He was forced to watch as, one by one, the courageous Samurai of Fanelia were cut down by Crima Claws all over again. Then a midget in a chicken suit flew by, riding a skateboard.

"How the hell did _that_ get in there?!" Van wondered, opening his eyes. He cleared his throat and began to declare: "I, Van Fanel, King of Fanelia, shall- oh, will you two stop making out and _listen_ to me already?!"

The two soldiers froze mid-kiss and pulled away quickly, staring at Van with rapt attention.

"I'm trying to tell you losers that I'll _help_ you!" Van growled, glaring at them.

"Yay!" Both men cheered and clapped their hands in joy. Then they began eyeing each other again. "Um…if you don't mind, can we get back to the kissing?"

"There's one favor I ask," Van continued, his tone surprisingly serious. "I'd like you to escort my lay-_day_ here to Austuria. Treat her with the _utmost care_." He gestured toward Hitomi, who blushed softly. "Just, you know, dump her in a crate and stamp a label on it, then send it away. 'S good enough."

"HEY!" Hitomi bristled.

"Kidding! _Kidding_!" Van protested, hands up in the air.

"Well it wasn't funny!" Hitomi retorted, still pissed.

"_I_ thought it was," the Escaflowne chuckled.

"Alrighty! A ship will be made ready at once!" The two men stood up, saluted Van, then skipped away, holding hands. Van and Hitomi watched them go in awkward silence.

"_Gaaaay_…" the Escaflowne whispered.

"Shut up, Esca!" Van chided. "It's their choice! Let them be! You should learn to be more tolerant, like me!"

"I _am_ tolerant!" The Guymelef shot back. "Of stupidity, mainly yours!"

"What'd you say?!"

"Hey, Van!" Hitomi cut in. "I want to stay _here_! What's with you being all controlling all of a sudden? I might be able to help you in some way! Like…wash your pee-filled pants or something! Then hang them out to dry on the Escaflowne!"

"_What_?!" The melef sputtered.

"As much as that idea appeals to me," Van replied, "I can't. I know if you stayed, I'd rely on you. I need you to understand, Hitomi! I'm a _man_ now! I go pee-pee standing up!"

"I'll bet ya do…" the Escaflowne grumbled to itself.

"I don't want to rely on your powers," Van went on. "Especially your irresistibly _sexy_ ones! Gimme a kiss!" He leaned in but Hitomi smacked him away.

"No, Van!" She said firmly. "I'm staying here, and that's _final_!"

-Five Minutes Later-

"It's for the best!" Van hollered, desperately trying to shove the disgruntled psychic girl through the door and onto the waiting airship. "Why can't you be all girly and go cry and wave a handkerchief in the window as you leave?!"

"I'll _strangle_ you with the damn thing!" Hitomi snarled, pushing back. A light-bulb lit up above Van's head as an idea hit him.

"_Oh my God…_" he whispered in horror, ceasing in his attempts of forcing Hitomi onboard. "ALLEN'S COMING!" He shrieked and pointed off to the left.

"_Eeeeeeek_!" Hitomi didn't even wait to look, she dove onto the ship and began looking for a suitable hiding place immediately.

"Sucker." Van slammed the door closed and quickly locked it. Propellers whirled as the small, yet bulky airship rose up off the ground and began trundling through the air. It didn't take long for Hitomi to realize she'd been tricked, so she leapt out from beneath a bed and rushed to the window, where he gave Van a double middle-finger flip. Van watched sadly from the ground, crying and waving a handkerchief as the airship flew off into the orange sunset, taking his love with it. _Aww_!

-Elsewhere-

In some faraway mountains ranges, where clouds scudded along the jagged peaks, several Zaibach Floating Jellyfish were mustering. Onboard one of the vessels, General Adelphos was grumbling to himself for no apparent reason.

"I don't understand…" he complained. "If we have this many troops, why haven't we permission to advance? It's not like we're third graders who need our _mommies_ to sign our field-trip slips! With our forty-thousand troops, it would be child's play to defeat that alliance rabble!" The grumpy General muttered some more and chewed on his moustache, but nonetheless remained strangely calm and quiet.

"Wow, he's actually sticking to the script," one soldier commented, greatly impressed.

"Yeah, I know!" Another agreed. "He hasn't even mentioned that stupid MTV show _once_ today! It's a miracle! How'd they do it, anyway?"

"_Truckloads_ of Ridilin." The first soldier answered quietly.

"Ah." The second soldier nodded in understanding.

"I'd like to know just what Emperor Dornkirk is _thinking_!" General Adelphos growled, stroking his moustache in contemplation. No. No, you _don't_ want to know, Adelphos. Because then you'd be officially brain-dead, that's why.

-Meanwhile, in Zaibach-

Dornkirk, at that exact moment, was indeed thinking very hard. The subject, however, was less than important. To tell you the truth, it was plain idiotic.

"Hmm…" Dornkirk pursed his lips and squinted his eyes, carefully studying the two objects he held in his old and boney man-hands. "Oh, I give up! I just _can't_ decide who's hotter! Jessica Alba, or Jessica Biel? It's impossible!" In his hands he held 8 by 10 head-shots of each girl, both looking lovely and young. "I mean, they're _both_ Jessica's! And what about that cutie-pie, Jessica Simpson? Or Sarah Jessica Parker? Gosh-DARNIT!" He angrily threw down the two photos he had of the two actresses and sulked.

"Sir, we're on the air," an attendant whispered.

"We are? Oh." Dornkirk blinked in surprise and quickly cleared his throat. He then continued in his 'serious voice'. "I can see it! Fate will lead that hot girly into my hands-"

"CUT!" A voice yelled. A director with base-ball cap, megaphone, and sunglasses jumped up from his chair and stopped Dornkirk from saying any more. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! _Cut_! Okay, Dorny, that's a _little_ too much. We gotta keep this fic rated 'Teen', remember?"

"But…that's what my cue-card _says_!" Dornkirk protested.

"It's says, 'Cambells, mmm, mmm, good'." An assistant read while squinting his eyes.

"Oh, really? My bad, then." Dornkirk shrugged nonchalantly and peeked into his telescope. "The Zone of Absolute Misfortune will finally be set in motion! Wonderful!" He paused for an instant. "And speakin' about settin' things in motion, my laxative is kickin' in! _Daaamn_! Outta my way, man!" He quickly maneuvered his wheelchair away from his telescope/globe-thing, and zoomed over to the restrooms. Too bad the doors were only eight feet tall to his chair's _fifty_. But that didn't stop him from trying.

_Bang! Bang! Bang_!

"Who built these damn doors so small?!" Dornkirk demanded, still ramming the wall and door.

"You did, sir." Was the quiet answer.

"Oh. Yes. So I did." Dornkirk mused.

_Frrrrrrt_!

"_Aaaand_ I just crapped myself. Someone call Maggie!"

-In Austuria-

A depressing rain fell over the city of Palace in Austuria, making everyone all mopey and down. Several trading ships chugged along in the dreary sky, and a line of melefs guarded the palace walls from attack. Hitomi, after beating up all the crewmen and the captain included, stormed off the crappy little airship that'd taken her back here, in a truly foul mood. Stupid Van, for tricking her! Stupid her, for falling for it!

Hitomi banged open a large, ornamental door and screeched to a halt as she laid eyes on Allen, who was standing in the room next to…_a giant cake_? Hitomi rubbed her eyes and looked again. Yup, it was a cake, alright. And a huge one, too. It easily cleared five feet and had pink and white icing all over. Hitomi eyed it warily as she stepped closer.

"H…Hitomi!" Allen gasped in surprise, finally noticing her presence. "You're back! And so soon! I didn't expect…" He trailed off, glancing around nervously and obviously flustered about something. "Oh, uh, here! A cake! I…_baked_ it for you! For when you came back!"

"_Really_?" Hitomi asked dubiously, raising her eyebrows. "Well, that's really…nice of you, Allen. Thank you." Hitomi began re-thinking her opinion of the womanizing Knight.

"_Whoooo_!" Millerna burst through the top of the cake, clad in naught but a revealing lingerie. "Hooray! No more Hitomi! Now I've got you all to myself, Allen!" She blew him a kiss and began to sing. "_Milly-licious, definition: make the boys go crazy! They always claim they know me, coming to me, call me Stacy_!"

Hitomi stared at the whorish Princess, promptly turned and kicked Allen in the balls, then spun on her heel and walked out. Allen gurgled in pain but began clawing his way after her, leaving Millerna to sing by herself, too into her song to notice everyone had left.

"_They be linin' down the block, just to watch what I got! Milly-licious_!"

-In Another Room-

Hitomi stared glumly out at the rain, the window before her streaked with water and barely clear enough for her to see the line of defenders down at the castle walls. She would have felt a whole lot safer if the bastards hadn't been trying to pole-vault the Guymelefs with their long spears and thus severely injuring themselves in the process.

"Rain…" Hitomi jumped in surprise and whirled around to see Allen sidling into the room. She kept an eye on him as he slowly walked past her and looked out the window. "There's something _sad_ about the rain. It always makes me _horny_ for some reason."

Hitomi immediately withdrew her tazer and zapped it at him warningly. Allen gulped and quickly got the message.

"It washes everything away…" he finished, trying to look thoughtful and not at her chest.

"That was pretty good, Allen," Hitomi commented, "except for the horny part, but I pretty much expected that. Why don't you go write it down before you forget?"

"Forget what?" Allen asked instantly, confusion on his face. "Did I say something? Did _you_ say something? What day is it? Who _am_ I?"

"Never mind!" Hitomi sighed with exasperation and turned away.

"You know Van's got the hots for you, Hitomi," Allen said out of the blue. "Even more than _me_, if that's possible. That's why he brought you back to Gaea. He loved you so much he brought you back…"

"Aww…" Hitomi blushed at the thought.

"So you could be happy with ME!" Allen finished. "Ain't that sweet? Let's _make out_!"

"WRONG!" Hitomi shoved him back and glared at him.

"Anyway," Allen went on, picking himself back up and adjusting his hair. "I know you wanted to come back, too."

"_Heeeeell_ no, I didn't!" Hitomi scoffed. "Are you freakin' _kidding_ me? I hate it here! This place sucks donkey balls!"

"You know," Allen's voice had suddenly become smooth and sexy. "This may be the _first_ time that a woman refused my advances…"

_Bang_!

The doors to the room flew open, and a young, albeit red-faced maid stormed in. She marched up straight to Allen and slapped him across the face.

"Stop writing your number on the inside of your underpants! Just because I clean 'em doesn't mean I _like_ you!" She shouted. "How many times do I have to tell you, no means NO!" She slapped him on the other cheek, then stomped away.

"Er…_second_ time," Allen coughed, rubbing his red and stinging cheeks (the ones on his face, mind you).

"You pig." Hitomi made a disgusted face.

"So, don't worry 'bout lil' ol' me," Allen said in a hurt, innocent voice, sniffling and pretending to cry for maximum effect.

"Believe me, I _won't_." Hitomi answered, immune.

"I'm sure Van will be horribly butt-raped and dismembered at war- _I mean return safely_." Allen cleared his throat as Hitomi stared at him dubiously. Then he turned to the side and whispered in an evil, sinister voice: "And if he _does_, I'll be here waiting to _finish_ the job! _Muahahahahahaaaa_!"

"You…_do_ know you said that aloud, right?" Hitomi stated.

"I did?" Allen blinked in surprise and quickly changed the subject. "Anyway, he'll return, because the most important person in the world to him is here…" He stared meaningfully at the psychic girl, who blushed again. "ME! I mean, a hero just _can't_ be a hero without a friendly rival, now can he? I think NOT!"

"Okay, that's it. I'm done." Hitomi held up her hands in defeat and quickly left the room as Allen switched into self-worship mode.

-With Princess Millerna-

Princess Millerna watched from a balcony as a small convoy of ships left the besieged city and sailed off into the distance. The rain made her feel a bit down because now she couldn't waltz about the city, flaunting her hotness and perfection to all the inhabitants. Well, the ones left alive, anyway. Plus Hitomi had come back and ruined the moment with Allen, leaving her to have to heave herself the rest of the way out of that damn cake. She'd barely managed, and then she'd had to run around the various hallways of the castle in her lingerie until she found her room. Not that she _minded_, really.

"_Pathetic_!" Dryden's voice made her jump in surprise, and she peeked over her shoulder into the room behind her. He was at his desk, face red with anger, swearing up a storm. "War is useless! Nothing good ever comes from it! It just kills and destroys! I give UP!" He threw down his DS and glared poutily at it.

"…You can't beat the last dungeon on Mario, can you?" Millerna asked, walking into the room and up to the side of the desk.

"No I _can't_!" Dryden growled, not meeting her eyes. "A merchant like myself who only sees tags on goods can't do a thing to stop a war that destroys them. What a cruel joke! Oh, well. At least I have my friend, Boozie." He seemed to perk up a little then.

"Boozie?" Millerna blinked. "Who's that, a teddy bear?"

"No." Dryden corrected, holding up a bottle of vodka. "Boozie." He uncorked it and took a swig. "Holy CRAP! Which one of you perverts stole the TV remote?!"

"Uh…Dryden…" Millerna inched away from him, suddenly uneasy. "What's wrong? You don't seem like yourself. I mean, you're not even _hitting_ on me!"

"Yeah, I suppose I don't…" Dryden sighed and staggered up from his chair. He stumbled over to Millerna and roughly pawed at her face with one of his hands.

"Dryden, you're, uh, kinda ruining my makeup," Millerna politely pointed out.

"You're so _purty_!" Dryden gushed, holding her face in his hands. "It's too bad you're such a ditz!"

"Oh, why, thank you!" Millerna turned pink with pleasure. Dryden shot a 'see what I mean?' look at the camera and sighed again. Sultry, slow-beat music began to play as the merchant's son reached down and took Millerna's hands in his own. She gasped indignantly and pulled away. "Well, here now! Just because there's sultry, slow-beat music playing doesn't mean we're going to get it on! If you think I'm some kind of floozy…"

Dryden simply waited.

"…Then you're absolutely _right_! Take me, big daddy!" She threw her head back, eyes closed and lips puckered.

"Um, _actually_, I was just giving you your ring back," Dryden admitted, slipping off his wedding band and placing it into Millerna's hand.

"Huh?" Millerna opened her eyes and gazed down at the ring as Dryden turned to go.

"I'm not ready to be with a dumb-blonde bombshell like you yet," he said quietly.

"Wha…are you saying I'm _ugly_?" Millerna asked in confusion, close to tears.

"This war will soon be over," Dryden continued. "Whichever side wins, I plan on joining, and the people sacrificed to it will still be there. I want to start over again, with them! Who know…there might even be something a man like me will be good for." He chuckled to himself.

"You mean, like…flirting with all the unmarried women?" Millerna wondered aloud.

"Married _included_," Dryden corrected. "I'll live as a merchant, cheating them rotten right alongside them! Maybe that's the best shortcut to getting the hell away from _you_. Later." He gave one final wave and began walking off.

"No, wait!" Millerna suddenly burst out. Dryden stopped and stared back at her in surprise. "Can I still keep the carriage?!"

"Yeah. Yeah, you can keep the carriage. Keep whatever you like, that pansy Knight of Kaeli included. I'm _out_." Dryden shook his head and got the hell outta there. Millerna stood unmoving, slowly digesting what he'd just said. And then it hit her.

"Boo-yah!" She crowed. "Allen-baby! Where are you?!" She turned and ran onto the balcony, lost her balance, and plummeted over the railing into the thorn-bush once again.

-Later, With Hitomi-

Hitomi hugged herself and shivered, a bit frightened of her surroundings. She'd descended into the bowels of the palace and found Folken's secret lair, where he'd set up a private lab for himself far away from the stupid, much less careful people of the city. On a nearby table were various lab equipment, such as vials, beakers, candles, meth-

"That's NOT mine!" Folken insisted. "I don't know _how_ it got there, but it's _not_ mine! I'm clean, I swear!" Hitomi just stared at him, unconvinced. "Will you just tell me what you want already?" He huffed.

"I," Hitomi stated, "want to help Van."

"You want…to help Van?" Folken repeated dubiously. "Help him? You mean, like, actually _help_ the little bastard?"

"Folken, tell me how to create a pillar of light and go to Zaibach!" Hitomi begged. "It's my duty, as much as I hate to admit it, to go and see that old sicko Dornkirk, and get him to stop all this stupid fighting!" She paused. "…Folken? You listening?"

Folken was off in his own world, slowly shaking his head and mouthing 'HELP Van?' in disbelief.

"FOLKEN!!"

"Wha?! Whoa! Who?!" Folken snapped back to reality and blinked rapidly before what Hitomi had said came to him. "Oh, right. Listen, honey: Dornkirk's not the type to listen to anyone. Or not be stupid. Or do anything in particular. It's physically _and_ mentally impossible for him. Besides, if you would put yourself in danger, it could hurt Van." He stopped for a moment, brows furrowed. "Hey, wait. That gives me an idea…"

"Think about it later!" Hitomi interrupted. "Just tell me what I should do!"

"Anyway," Folken went on, getting back on track, "_I_ should be the one to confront Dornkirk, since _I'm_ the one who ended the relationship and dumped his ass. He had some real communication issues and the whole 'destroy the world' idea just didn't sit well with me."

"Uh…" Hitomi made a face. "I didn't ask why you two broke up."

"Oh." Folken shrugged and turned to the wall, where a large and confusing-looking mechanical device was mounted. "A wave in tune with the Fate Alteration Engine should be able to direct the pillar of light. Or make a call to Domino's. _That's_ why I recovered this device from my pimped-out Floating Jellyfish, which Van so nicely _trashed_. It was one hell of a job, I'll tell ya. The stupid thing fought like the devil and it took nearly one hundred men, myself included, to dreg it up from the depths-"

"You know I _could_ just scream at the top of my lungs and make a pillar come like it always does." Hitomi admitted. Folken stood stock-still, eyes squinted in thought.

"Yes. That could work too." He stared up at his precious machine, which he'd had to work his ass of to retrieve…for nothing. "_Dammit_! That matter aside, I will settle this matter with Dornkirk _myself_!"

"No! Folken, you can't!" Hitomi protested, suddenly worried for him. She cast about for a plausible reason for him to not go. "I…I predict you'll die!"

"…_Really_?" Folken asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, I do! Hold on!" Hitomi began straining and groaning, trying to force a vision to come. "Uuuurgh! _Huuuuurrrgh_!"

"Geez, girl! Don't hurt yourself!" Folken said with a frown.

"I…almost! _Unnnnnh_!" Hitomi squeezed her eyes shut and strained as hard as she could. "GOT IT!" Immediately there was a blood-red vision of Folken, falling back as blood squirted from his chest. A moment later he lay on the cold, hard ground, bleeding to death with his shattered black wings draped around him.

"Ew, and it's a pretty bad one, too." Hitomi gagged as she came back to reality. "I'd put this sucker in my Level 3 category, along with my Richard Simmons' sweatin' to the oldies." She wiped her brow and looked at Folken imploringly. "See? If you go to fight Dornkirk, you'll die! So stay here, where it's safe!"

"Hmm? You say something?" Folken looked up from a scrap of paper, on which he had been scribbling furiously. Obviously he'd been too busy with his dark poetry and hadn't heard of word of what Hitomi had said.

"No. Not a thing." Hitomi sighed, giving up on him.

"Oh, okay." He paused and looked back at his poem. "Hey, what rhymes with 'alone in the darkness of my soul'?"

"MORON."

"No, it doesn't!"

-The Next Morning, With Milly-

"Oh, Allen! Hold me!" Millerna sobbed, throwing herself onto the womanizer and getting him covered with her tears and snot. Allen cringed as his new shirt was quickly soaked, but didn't mention it because he'd rather be cried on than hit. "That jerk just _dumped_ me! I can't believe him! And I thought he would make me happy! Kinda like a Tickle-Me Elmo, you know?!"

"I'm beginning to," Allen grumbled, cursing Dryden for escaping Millerna's clutches and leaving him to the wolves.

"It's just not _fair_!" She wailed. "I wanted someone to make me happy! But _nooo_! He had to run off and leave me with a broken heart! And herpes!"

"Wait, _what_?" Allen jerked away from her and tried to escape, but Millerna held on tight, squeezing him until a rib cracked.

"Not to mention the massive debt from me spending all the wedding money on new clothes! _Now_ who'll pay for them?!"

"Please, Princess Millerna, I-" Allen began.

"Don't say anything!" Millerna cried, clapping a hand over Allen's mouth and almost suffocating him in the process. "Just _kiss_ me!"

"Wagh! No, wait!" Allen wrestled free and retreated a few steps, panting for breath. "I've…got to go to war!"

"War?" Millerna cocked her head to the side. "I thought you bribed your way out of going?"

"Uh…I've…changed my mind. Later!" He leapt for the door and was out and down the hall before you could say "Allen'satotalman-whore".

"Ooh!" Millerna huffed, rolling her eyes. "_Men_!"

-Meanwhile, in a Zaibach Encampment-

Not too far away, in a Zaibach Encampment (duh), Zaibach Guymelefs and soldiers stood here and there among various tents and cook-fires. Jajuka strode through the small crowd and halted at a large, blood-red tent. Crouching down on all fours, he squeezed through the small doggy-door built into the bottom and entered the tent, inside which Dilandau sat in a daze in the near-darkness. Only a feeble blue light was flickering, the nearby boom-box playing Korn to match Dilandau's crazy mood.

"Lord Dilandau," Jajuka said loudly as he rose to his feet. Dilandau didn't respond, instead continuing to stare at the wall. "Hey! Lord Dilandau!" He snapped his…paws (?) to try and get his master's attention. Still no change. Jajuka scowled and scrunched his doggy nose. He quickly sidled up to the boom-box and switched tracks, from Korn to Ashley Simpson.

Instantly Dilandau screamed in agony, jumping up from his chair and clutching his head in pain. Shoving his loyal watchdog to the side, he then proceeded to destroy the boom-box using his sheathed sword as a bludgeon. It worked quite well.

"WHAT?!!" Dilandau demanded, glaring at Jajuka while standing over the shattered remains of the boom-box and panting heavily. "Can't you see I'm busy being _bleep_ed up?"

"Lord Dilandau," Jajuka reported, not missing a beat, "we've just received our orders. We are to join up with the 32nd division and go to the battlefield."

"Oh, great. 32nd Division." Dilandau grumbled as he righted his chair and flopped into it again. "_Those_ losers. I doubt they've forgotten the last time I teamed up with them. They wouldn't _shut up_ about Ashley Simpson, so I set all their clothes on fire. This is gonna be _great_."

"I'm sure you can tolerate it if it means you get to fight," Jajuka comforted.

"Yeah, I guess so…" Dilandau shrugged. "It's been awhile since we've had a good battle. Or at least one with ME in it. This is gonna be fun!" He cackled evilly, then turned to see Jajuka piddling on the floor. "Agh! No! Bad dog! Look what you did to the carpet! _Look_!"

-It's Battle-Time!-

The time for the grand battle had finally come! Zaibach versus all the other allied countries, tonight only on pay-per view! Men armed with spears ran forward in screaming waves whilst Guymelefs charged amongst them (mostly crushing them underfoot, anyway). Soldiers, who for some reason were dressed a HELL of a lot like German troops, got torched by fast-trundling machines that had flamethrowers equipped at their heads. _Damn_! Did Dilandau design those suckers? Anyway, back to the description of the battle. Forgotten banners flapped in the smoky breeze as the wave of Zaibach troops slowly but surely advanced across the land.

Amongst the chaos of war, Van, piloting the Escaflowne, screamed like a pansy and ran an enemy through with his blade. Allen was doing like-wise with his own melef, using an ingenious method of leaping into the air, then belly-flopping the enemy. It kept him out of harms way, and was surprisingly effective.

"It's this or Millerna! It's this…or Millerna!" He kept telling himself.

High above the two good guys, scores of airships (don't worry, their allies) dotted the sky.

"What?! Use our ultimate weapon?!" A soldier aboard one of the ships spluttered. "But sir, Steven Segal isn't even _here_!"

"Not that one, you dolt! The other one!" A sweaty, overweight commander growled. "At this rate, we won't even make it to the commercial break! We'll have to _blast_ our way through!"

"B-b-b-b-but sir!!" The soldier still protested. "Our allies are down on the battlefield, too! The weapon will obliterate them as well!"

"I don't _care_!" The commander declared. "We have to teach those Zaibach bastards a lesson! And I don't mean one in history! Taste the power of Basram's new weapon, you a-holes!"

-Back in Austuria-

"Oh, Van…" Hitomi sighed, standing on her balcony and praying. "Please, don't do anything _too_ stupid…although that's probably impossible…"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Merle suddenly smashed down the door and came wailing in like a fire-truck siren, crying her head off. Hitomi's shoulders sagged.

"So much for quiet praying," she thought, then turned to see what the hell was wrong with the cat-brat _now_. "Okay, tell me what's wrong, Merle."

"Can I stay here? _Please_?" Merle begged, jumping on Hitomi's bed and huddling on it, shaking.

"Why?" Hitomi asked, entering the room from the balcony. She suddenly halted and stared at Merle incredulously. "Did you kill a hooker or something?"

"It's so scary!" Merle sobbed, latching onto Hitomi now that she was within glomping range. "I feel as if Lord Van is never gonna come back! And to make things worse, you're the bi-otch who _stole_ him from me! _Guhhh_! Hold me! I hate you! Hold me!"

"Man, you are one _bleep_ed up cat-girl," Hitomi muttered, but patted her on the back anyway. "Look, just believe in him, okay? Van will come back! Alright?"

"He will?" Merle sniffled and looked up at the psychic girl, hope in her eyes.

"Yes," Hitomi assured. "I stole his Urine-gone fabric cleaner to make sure."

"Wow, good one!" Merle was in awe. "Why didn't _I_ think of that?!"

"Yeah, geez, why _didn't_ you?"

-And Back to the Battle!-

Above the smoke and blood-filled battlefield, a lone Basram airship hovered. The two pilots, decked out in armor and gasmasks, muttered and began pulling levers.

"We're over the target airspace," one reported.

"Let's do it!" The other agreed, punching buttons.

"Dude," the first one said, staring at the other. "You've…got something on your face…right…_there_…" He tried brushing the other guy's mask off.

"Quit it! That's my _gasmask_, man!" He batted him away. "Let's just hurry and do this!" He grabbed onto a large, important-looking lever and pulled it. From the bottom of the ship fell a very strange and sinister-looking object, which resembled a bomb. Only it wasn't. It was much, _much_ worse.

It was a radio, and from it issued the most disturbing sounds ever known to mankind.

"_Do you believe in life after love_?!" Cher's voice began to sing. "_I can hear somethin' inside me sayin', I really don't think I'm strong enough, no!"_

"What IS that?!" People wondered, right before they were completely and utterly destroyed. Soldier's heads burst open, Guymelefs exploded into blue flames, and Cher just went on singing.

"Hey!" Allen gasped as he heard Cher's voice. "I LOVE this song! Do you _belieeeeve_ in life after love!" He began dancing and singing along, completely unaffected as everyone around him began dieing horribly.

Van, on the other hand, was just confused.

"Who _is_ that singing?" He asked a dead soldier. "Is it a man or a woman? I can't tell!"

-Back in Austuria-

Hitomi gasped and looked out her window at the distant horizon. She sat on her bed, with Merle asleep on her knee. A strange, soft sound could barely be heard from the horizon, and Hitomi was grateful of that. She knew the song, and knew what it could do to those within close contact.

"_My God…_" she whispered in horror. "_What have we done_?"

-Once Again, Back to the Battle-

In the outside air, the hideous Cher music continued to blare, killing everyone close enough to hear it clearly. On some Zaibach Floating Jellyfishes, soldiers scrambled around wondering what on earth was going on.

"Sir, there's some strange noise coming from above us!" One soldier reported.

"Well, goodness, man!" The goggle-eyed General (from Dorny's Four Generals, remember?) declared. "Open all the windows so we can hear it better! Chop, chop!"

Suffice to say, it blew up, and they all died. Many other Jellyfishes followed suit, crumbling into nothingness as waves of Cher's voice completely decimated them.

"_Ieeeeeee_!" The sneaky-looking General screeched in pain as his Jellyfish exploded around him. "She's sixty years old! Sixty…years…_ooooooold_!"

Even the Zaibach foot soldiers all the way on the ground were affected. They fell screaming to the ground, clutching their ears in agony and frothing at the mouth. Cher's music can do that to ya. I know by experience. Aboard the Crusade, Reeden was also trying to figure out what was going on, studying the battlefield through the telescope.

"Why're they all _dying_?!" He wondered. "What did- my eyes!!! My mother-_bleep_ing _eyes_!!!" He shrieked and jerked himself away from the lens, clawing at his eyes in terror. "It _burns_!"

"What the hell's the matter with you, Reeden?!" Pyle asked, rushing over.

"A screen!" Reeden gasped out. "I saw a screen on a radio playing some sort of music! And on that screen…was CHER! Stab my eyes out for me, please!!"

Pyle frowned, then simply reached forward and yanked Reeden's scarf down from his head to over his eyes.

"Oh. Well that's better."

"This isn't war, it's a mass slaughter!" Gaddess snarled. "Some jerk stole my idea! Don't worry, I'll take us behind the mountains!" He sprinted toward the controls but was tackled like a foot-ball by Kio before he got halfway there.

"No, _I_ will!" Kio seized the wheel and turned it quickly, bringing the Crusade behind several mountains and out of range of the horrible song.

Aboard his Floating Jellyfish, General Adelphos had finally relapsed into his normal, stupid self that we all know and love.

"_Damn_ them!" He cried, clutching his ears and falling to his knees. "Now I'll never get to see…all the hot hook-ups…and crazy-drunk fights…on the Real World! Oh, Tivo! I hardly knew ye!" He then gurgled and keeled over, twitched a few times, and lay still.

"Sir," a soldier said patiently. "We're _fine_."

"…We are?" Adelphos peeked open an eye.

"Yes." The soldier nodded. "We were too far away so we only caught a little bit of the song. We're basically unharmed."

"…Oh." Adelphos picked himself up and dusted himself up. "That was fun!"

"No it wasn't!" A random voice called out.

"Oh, right," the soldier suddenly remembered something. "We forgot to warn you that the ship is damaged and we're about to crash into a-"

_CRASH_!

"…Mountain." The soldier finished. Adelphos's ship had only been slightly nicked by the dangerous song, and so had indeed lost control and crash-landed on a mountain side, where they were now stuck.

"Wow!" General Adelphos whistled. "This is almost as crazy as when-"

"Yes! We KNOW!" The soldiers interrupted. "The REAL WORLD!!"

"That's right!" Adelphos chuckled. "And now, I have something to say to those goody-too-shoes who used that song as a weapon. In the words of Brooke from the Real World…" He inhaled deeply and noisily, then began ranting and raving, lurching around and shaking his head like a loon. "_Don't you EVER talk to me like that, EVER again_!!"

On the battlefield below, Van stared around at the smoldering remains that Cher's deadly song had left. Finally, she'd stopped singing, but the damage had been done and many lives had been lost. Van stood at the edge of an enormous crater, the spot where Cher's voice had been strongest.

"Wha…what the hell's going _on_?!" He wondered aloud. "How could a _song_ do that much damage?!"

"Oh, believe me, it can." A remaining allied soldier assured. "You ever hear Hanson's 'Um Bop'?"

"Something tells me I never want to." Van shuddered, then approached the edge of the crater. "I think I'll just get close enough to _casually_ lean over the side and peek into the-"

"_HYAAAAAAAAH_!" A surviving Zaibach Guymelef leaped out of the crater and shot toward Van. "Hahahahaha! You think a little Cher music can kill us? Think again! Die!"

"_Yeeeeek_!" Van shrieked, grabbed ahold of his ally, then whipped him at the advancing foe, making them both fall backwards into the crater while keeping his Kingly self safe from harm.

"Curse you all! Curse you all to _helllll_!" The two soldiers howled, falling to their deaths.

"Whoopsies." Van felt a pang on guilt as he watched them dwindle and disappear into the large hole. "Sorry, man! Instinct!"

-Aaaaand Back to Austuria Again-

Hitomi gasped aloud (again), making Merle, who was sleeping soundly on her knee, wake up in alarm.

"Ohmygosh! What?! What's wrong?! Is Lord Van okay?!" She yowled in a frenzy.

"I…" Hitomi began in a trembling voice, "just remembered that Lost was on last night! _Oooh_! And I _missed_ it! Son of a- oh, and Van's hurtin' on the inside and junk. But who the hell cares about _him_, what am I gonna do about my _show_?!" She sighed in exasperation. "Now I'll totally be lost! Hah. Get it? Lost…on Lost? Ahahahaha!"

_Smack_!

Merle slapped her across the face.

"Would you shut up about that stupid show and tell me about Van?!" She hissed, grabbing Hitomi by her shirt and shaking her.

"I've got to stop all this stupid fighting!" Hitomi suddenly declared. "Van's hurting, and if I hurry, maybe they'll replay last night's episode of Lost! Later!" She threw the cat-girl offa her and dashed toward the door. "Psychic girl, _awaaaaaay_!"

"Weirdo!" Merle spat after her, lying on the floor.

-Elsewhere in Austuria-

In the bowels of the palace, Folken was all alone, whistling his favorite Fanelian tune and tinkering with his many vials and beakers. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Folken frowned, put down his work, and went to answer it. A tough-looking Italian man stood in the doorway, in a smart white suit and expensive-looking shoes.

"Eyy," the man said. "I'm Tony Montana. You got the stuff?"

Folken slammed the door in his face and turned to get back to work. Immediately there was another knock. Folken halted, sighed, then turned around and opened the door again. This time a respectable-looking man in a black, old-fashioned suit and top hat stood there, twirling a cane. The man removed his hat and bowed.

"Good day to you, sir," he said politely. "My name is Dr. Jekyll, and I heard you have a lab that perhaps I could use for a-"

_SLAM_!

"_Bleep_ing people…" Folken muttered as he trudged back to his table. "Leave me and my lab the _bleep_ alone. It's not a drug lab, _or_ a crazy one. It's just a _bleep_ing lab!" He paused. "With a _liiiittle_ bit of crack." He sat down in his chair and, facing the Fate Alteration Engine, began whistling his tune again.

_Knock, knock_.

"Dammit, if that's Frankenstein out there, someone's gonna die!" Folken snarled.

"Um…it's me," Hitomi's voice called meekly through the door. "Can I come in?"

"Oh." Folken blinked. "Okay, sure."

Immediately the door banged open and Hitomi charged in.

"Folken, I- _GAAAH_!" The psychic girl tripped and fell down the steep and narrow stairway that led down to Folken's dimly-lit lab. Folken winced as she hit the floor with a loud thud. "What the EFF, man?!" Hitomi growled, slowly sitting up. "Who put those stupid stairs there?!"

"So, what do you need?" Folken asked, helping her to stand. Hitomi batted his hands away and stood up herself, looking into Folken's eyes imploringly.

"Van's _hurting_!" She blurted out. Folken cocked an eyebrow.

"Really? Well, good for him. It'll help him build character. I would know."

"No!" Hitomi argued, trying to find the right words. "I want to help him, Folken!"  
"He-" Folken began to repeat in disbelief.

"YES! _Help_ him!" Hitomi cut him off, not wanting to go through that ordeal again. "But the only thing is that you might _die_ if we go to Zaibach!"

"Hey…what rhymes with-" Folken began to ask, looking at another poem.

"LISTEN to me!" Hitomi hollered, smacking the poem out of his hands. "I had a vision! It was horrible! It said that you would DIE if we went to Zaibach!"

"Wow, really?" Folken shrugged, obviously not concerned in the least. "Neh, don't worry about that. I don't have much longer to live, anyway."

"Wha…" Hitomi stammered in confusion, then gasped. "Oh my GOD! You've got AIDS?!!"

Folken stared at her in shock, eyes wide and mouth agape.

"Oh, you poor thing!" Hitomi whimpered, close to tears. "Where did you get them? A hooker? Sticking yourself with needles?" She paused. "…Millerna?"

"I don't have AIDS, girl! _Geez_!" Folken finally found his voice.

"Oh." Hitomi looked a little disappointed. "But then…what's wrong with you?"

Folken didn't answer, just turned his back on her, and whipped off his shirt.

"_Ngaaaah_!" Hitomi turned bright red and hurriedly clapped her hands over her eyes. "Okay, you've _really_ got to warn me before you do that."

"Yeah, whatever." Folken rolled his eyes. "Look." Hitomi peeked open an eye in time to see Folken's black wings appear from his shoulders and spread out, rattling softly. Black feathers fell from his wings, and kept falling, accumulating on the floor in piles.

"Eww." Hitomi backed away. "I see your problem. You're…_molting_."

"No, I'm not-" Folken began.

"Oh, God! Here's another one!" A man, who'd just appeared in the doorway, nearly screamed. "And it's in bad shape, too! Let's save it, guys!" He rushed in, followed by other men and women, all wearing shirts that read PETA and holding buckets of soapy water with scrubbies and toothbrushes.

"Oh, goodness, _look_ at it!" A woman cooed, scrubbing at Folken's ebony-black wings with her toothbrush. "Don't worry, we'll clean you up! Those bastard corporations with their oil spills! They don't give a damn about the animals or environment!"

"GET OFF OF ME!" Folken exploded, beating the strangers back and trying to speak to Hitomi at the same time. "Hitomi, listen! A reaction of fortune is shortening my life. These black wings are proof of that." He paused for a moment. "Plus I watched a video made by a creepy little girl who said I'd die in seven days, so…you know."

"_Dear lord_." Hitomi rolled her eyes in disbelief. And she used to think Van was the only idiot in the family! Folken, having driven the PETA members back into a corner, turned to Hitomi with a serious look on his face.

"I will atone for my many crimes with my life," he said solemnly. "And with Van's life-savings, too." He chinked a large bag filled with coins happily. "This…is my fate."

"No, you can't!" Hitomi protested, shaking her head vehemently. "If you die, you'll leave Van all alone! I know he'll never admit it, but fighting with you is one of his sole purposes in life! He NEEDS you! I know he'll be unhappy without you!"

"Don't worry, he's still got Allen." Folken reminded.

"Well, that's true," Hitomi admitted. "But still!"

"I'll leave my body behind," Folken continued in a serious voice. "All for the sake of the new world."

"But that's not _right_!" Hitomi continued to argue. "I'll do everything I can…to _change_ that awful fate! Hahaha! How you like _them_ apples, bitch?!"

"You've got a spider on your shoulder." Folken stated.

"Wha- _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH_!!!"

The Fate Alteration Engine immediately responded to Hitomi's scream, kickin' up into overdrive and quickly summoning a Beam o' Light to scoop both the psychic girl and Folken up. They disappeared as the light faded away, leaving the PETA members gaping in awe.

"…Hitomi?" Merle peeked into the room from the doorway, having followed her scent down to the basement. "You down here?"

"E-_gads_!" A PETA member gasped. "Look at that poor kitty! They dyed its fur PINK! We'll have to use the BIG brushes for this job!" All the members pulled out their thick pads of steel wool and advanced on the cat-girl.

"_Hiiiiisssss_!" Merle took off down the hall, and the chase was on.

-Meanwhile, Back on the Battlefield-

Back on the battlefield, the Escaflowne's pink Energist once again lit up in response to the Beam o' Light's appearance, making the Guymelef moan and groan in discomfort.

"Urghh…those chalupa's are comin' back up on me." It grumbled, rubbing its stomach (does it even have one?). "Good thing I brought my…Pepto _Max_!" It pulled out a large, pink bottle of miracle medical fluid and began loudly singing the theme song. "Nausea! Heartburn! Indigestion! Upset stomach! _Diarrheaaaaa_!"

"Will you shut UP?!" Van hissed, cheeks burning. "You're _embarrassing_ me!"

"And you ain't used to it by now?" The Escaflowne asked offhandedly, chugging the Pepto-Bismol down.

"Eugh! It's getting all _over_ me!" Van whined.

"Suck it up, kid."

Nearby the quarreling Guymelef and pilot, Allen (with Sherry) was in a battle of his own.

"No way!" He barked to the Zaibach enemy Guymelef standing opposite him. "I'm telling you, _Sanjaya_ should have won American Idol! End of story!"

"Oh, please!" The Zaibach melef drawled. "Sanjaya can't even sing! He was only kept on so long because of his _hair_! Admit it!" Allen gasped.

"You take that _back_!" He said dangerously, drawing his blade. "Or else-"

"Hey, wait," the Zaibach melef interrupted. "I don't think they meant fighting figuratively. I think they meant _literally_."

"Oh." Allen blinked.

There was a short pause.

"Sanjaya still should have won!" Allen shrieked, then stabbed his opponent. Turning away from his fallen foe, he swept his gaze over the battlefield, searching for something. "Now, where is that candy-red Guymelef?"

"Actually, _I'd_ call it ruby-red," the Zaibach Guymelef gurgled from the ground.

"Oh, _would_ you?!" Allen asked, turning back to begin arguing all over again.

-In Zaibach-

"_Ooh_! They're _here_!" Dornkirk squealed in delight, hardly able to contain his excitement. "Okay, everyone," he addressed his attendants, "hide somewhere, and when they come in, you all jump out and yell '_surprise'_!"

"But-" they began to protest.

"Do it or I'll give you all sex changes like I did with Dilandau!" Dornkirk snarled. Everyone's faces went blank, and they all bolted in different directions, searching desperately for a suitable hiding place.

The Beam o' Light made its appearance, touching down on a platform in front of Dornkirk and depositing its rather confused passengers. It also secretly stole all the pocket change in both Hitomi and Folken's clothes. Shh!

"Gaah! Where _are_ we?" Hitomi asked as she opened her eyes and found herself in a huge, scary factory-place. She looked to her side and saw Folken. "And why're you still shirtless?"

"I dunno." Folken shrugged. Suddenly his shivered and wrapped his arms around himself. "My man-boobies are cold."

"That's…_wonderful_." Was all Hitomi could think to say.

"SURPRISE!" All of Dornkirk's attendants leaped from their hiding places and succeeded in scaring the living hell out of both Hitomi and Folken.

"Hey, guys!" Dornkirk chirruped, then continued in his 'serious' voice. "Everything's now in place! All of the pieces…have come to me! The time has come to…" He paused dramatically. "…_finish_ this _puzzle_!" He held up the last piece of the puzzle and laughed maniacally.

"Sir…" an attendant began.

"It's of puppies and kitties!" Dornkirk giggled. "Isn't it cute? I've also got one of Paris Hilton but since this fic is rated 'Teen'-"

"SIR!" The assistant shouted. "_Please_, get back on track!"

"But I'm almost _dooooone_!" Dornkirk whined, jiggling in his seat impatiently.

"You can finish it _after_!" The assistant said firmly.

"Oh, phooey!" Dornkirk sighed but relented, putting the puzzle away and turning to the newcomers. "I guess I'll use the full power of the Fate Alteration Engine. All is proceeding according to my _will_!"

"Yes? Hello?" William Du-Fancy-Pants asked, raising his head and looking around. "Did someone say my name?"

"Not _you_, you imbecile, I meant- oh, forget it." Dornkirk gave up and rolled his eyes. "Anyway, I guided fate so you, Folken, would bring the little leggy hunny from the Messed-Up Moon to me! Thanks bunches!" He winked at Folken, making him curl his lip in disgust.

"Tell me just how long you plan to _toy_ with fate!" Folken demanded angrily.

"A foolish question!" Dornkirk snorted. "The same as a DS, until the light turns red, DUH!" He glared at Folken meaningfully. "You should _know_ my true intentions, Folken!"

"Then you should know what _I'm_ planning to do!" Folken retorted.

"…Throw…me…a birthday party?" Dornkirk asked slowly. "Oh, you _shouldn't_ have! Will there be strippers?! Tell me there will be!" His eyes strayed toward Hitomi. "Well, well, speak of the _devil_!"

"You wrinkly son of a-" Folken quickly grabbed Hitomi by the back of her shirt and restrained her from going after Dornkirk.

"No, idiot!" Folken spat, still holding the swearing Hitomi at bay. "I've come to KILL you, Dornkirk!"

"Oh, really?!" Dornkirk's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You got what it takes, _bitch_?! Come ON! Come on, I dare ya! I'll bury your ass in the GROUND! Hold me back, guys! Hold me back!" Immediately his many attendants rushed forward and grabbed hold of his wheelchair, holding him back while he hurled several insults at Folken. "You stupid vampire-wannabe!"

Suddenly everything went dead quiet.

"Er…" Dornkirk coughed, realizing what he'd just done.

"That's it." Folken whispered. "That's IT!!!! I am NOT a mother-_bleep_ing VAMPIRE!!!" He drew his sword and brandished it menacingly.

"Folken, no!" Hitomi gasped.

"Oh, shiz-nit." Dornkirk's eyes went wide and he quickly reversed his chair, inadvertently running over all his attendants in the process. "Oh…oh yeah? Well, take _this_!" He punched a button, making a part of his chair hiss, spew steam, and then lift up to reveal Dornkirk's naked chest and abdomen. It wasn't a pretty sight. Kinda like a rubber glove stretched over a skeleton, really.

"Ieeeeee! My eyes! My _eyes_!" Hitomi screamed in pain, clutching her face.

"Don't look, Hitomi!" Folken cried, barely able to stomach the sight himself.

"See? Told ya I had an uber-sexy bod! Bow chicka bow bow!!" He wiggled seductively, at which time Folken was forced to double over and vomit noisily. "What's wrong, Folken?" Dornkirk asked smugly. "Are you intimidated by my manly, muscular physique? Oh, by the way, you got tickets?"

"Tickets to _what_?!" Folken spat, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and straightening himself.

"To the _guuuuuun_ show!" Dornkirk laughed maniacally and began flexing his skin-and-bone arms. Needless to say they were in danger of snapping from the effort. "Now, bring it, Folken! Let's go!"

"You asked for it!" Folken snarled, spreading his wings and taking to the air, sword in hand.

"Folken, stop it!" Hitomi yelled, eyes still squeezed closed but stumbling around, arms flailing as she searched for the gothic man. Her hands hit a pipe and she instantly wrapped her arms around it, trying to hold it down. "I gotcha! Now I won't let you go!"

Folken, oblivious of Hitomi's protests, flew straight up to Dornkirk, where steam was still spewing and swirling around the waiting man.

"Folken?" Hitomi asked, touching the pipe carefully. "Why're you so cold?" She peeked an eye open and saw what she was clutching. "A pipe? Oh, _bleep_! Folken, no! Get back here!" She wheeled around, looking for him.

"_Yaaaaaaaaah_!" Folken howled at the top of his voice, bringing his sword down across Dornkirk's torso. _Eeeugh_! Green fluid sprayed everywhere, including all over Folken's face. It was quite gross.

"Gotcha!" Dornkirk chortled. "That's not _real_ blood all over you! It's just fake, artificial juices that have been keeping me alive for-" He stopped talking and blinked a few times. "…_Wait_. That means…I'm dead now, don't it? Don't it?" He looked at the camera, crestfallen. "Well…poop. It's been a pleasure, ladies! Love ya!" He blew a kiss to the audience and gave one final wave before he keeled over, dead.

_Crack_!

As Folken had swung his sword down to attack his former master, the tip of the weapon caught the edge of Dornkirk's chair, breaking it off and sending it ricocheting back at its owner. Hitomi's eyes widened as she watched the sword tip fly toward Folken's bare and vulnerable chest.

"Folken, DUCK!" She screamed.

"Where?" Folken asked, looking back at her from over his shoulder.

_Shunk_!

"Oh, you _idiot_!!" Hitomi growled, slapping a hand to her forehead.

"Wha?" Folken's body went stiff, and he slowly turned back around to see…

GONG-MAN!

At the last instant, in the least predictable moment, Gong-man had returned and saved Folken's life! The sword tip, which would have most definitely struck Folken in the heart and killed him, had been safely blocked by the strange man's precious gong, which he'd selflessly sacrificed for the greater good. (What, did you seriously think I'd _kill_ Folken? No way! He's too cool!)

"My goodness!" Folken gasped, eyes wide with shock. "I see now…this is the heart of the Fate Alteration! Where reaction and action are the most powerful!" He smiled at the Gong-man sincerely, "Thanks, man!" and patted him on the back. This, of course, caused Gong-man to lose his balance and plummet off the top of Dornkirk's wheel chair, which was quite tall. Plus he hit nearly every possible protrusion and ledge on the way down.

"_Ooh_! _Ee_! _Aaah_!" Hitomi winced as Gong-man's head connected with loud, painful-sounding cracks. Finally, he was clear and began to free-fall.

"Oh…thank goodness…" Gong-man whimpered. "It's over…" And then he hit the floor.

_THUD_!!!

"_Gaah_!" Hitomi had to close her eyes, it looked so painful. Still atop Dornkirk's chair, Folken peered over the side down at the broken body of Gong-man.

"_Sooorry_!" He called down, feeling a bit guilty, since it had been partly (totally) his fault.

"Dear God…" Gong-man gurgled, trying to move and finding himself covered with strange red goop. "Who…put all this ketchup on me? At least now…the pain is over…"

"Hey, man! You forgot your gong!" Folken called, chucking it over the edge.

"Oh, no." Both Gong-man and Hitomi whimpered.

_GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG_!!!!

-Back on the Battlefield-

Van gasped aloud and froze mid-swing. He felt…a disturbance. It was as if…someone _important_…had just faded away. _Someone_…

"Gong-man…" Van whispered, tears filling his eyes. He remembered Gong-man, his gong, and him…ringing the gong…and…well, that was it, really, but he remembered him alright! "_Gong…man…_"

"What's wrong, kid?" Escaflowne asked, sensing something was amiss with its pilot. "You…gotta crap or something?"

"GONG-MAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Van howled, tears running down his face like a waterfall. The Escaflowne had to quickly take over fighting or risk being killed.

"Gah! Tell me what's wrong, already!" It gasped out, blocking a thrust from an enemy unit. "What, you got a tummy-ache?! You can have some of my Pepto, if you want!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Van was oblivious to anything other than the despair raging in his heart.

"Ow! What the hell you doin', man?! Trying to make me _deaf_?!"

-Back to Hitomi-

All the way over in Zaibach, Hitomi was also crying over the demise of Gong-man. He had been so young! So innocent! So…did he even have a real name?

"I feel Van crying…" Hitomi whispered, tears sliding down her face. "I can't believe he cared…that, or he stubbed his toe." She covered her face with her hands, sniffling. "Gong-man…_why_? Why do sad things like this always _happen_?!"

"Because-" Jiminy Cricket's ghost began, before seeing Hitomi's glare of death and deciding he didn't want to be exorcised after being beaten to death by Dornkirk and so quickly slunk away.

"No more!" Hitomi cried. "I don't want to see any more sad things! I'm already _bleep_ed up enough as it is! I'm _sick_ of this kind of fate!"

In response to Hitomi's overwhelming emotions, her pendant glowed, causing the huge globe above her to light up, and sparks to crackle around the room.

"Oh, _eff_!" Hitomi gulped. "I didn't touch anything! I swear! Lookit my hands! Lookit them!" She held up her arms, protesting her innocence as she fell to her knees, the room lighting up all around her.

Suddenly, an eerie specter appeared, of an old man with a long, white beard n' hair, wearing a creepy black robe.

"Boom, baby! Look who's _back_!" The man laughed.

"Oh GOD no." Hitomi sighed and looked up to see the man. It was, of course, Dornkirk, back from the grave. The only difference was a lot less curlers in his hair and the strange, unearthly glow about him. He turned and smiled at Hitomi, gesturing before him.

"Just sit back and watch with me, young lady…" he began.

"If it's that _bleep_-damn Cinderella Story again, someone gon' die." Hitomi interrupted in a dangerous whisper.

"While that IS a good idea," Dornkirk admitted, "I meant watch the Zone of Absolute Misfortune."

"I've…never heard of that movie." Hitomi said slowly. "Who's in it?"

"Well…" Dornkirk answered, "YOU for one! _Muahahahaha_!"

"Dude," Hitomi drawled. "_Soooo_ lame."

-Episode 25 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Phew! Finally, done! And only one episode left! Again, sorry this one took so damn long. And too bad Dorny's dead, huh? Poor, stupid, perverted guy. Well, there's still his ghost there, so he'll get just a little bit more screen-time, huh? Well, hope you enjoyed this one. Later!


	26. Episode 26: Eternal Luuurve

Author's Note: Holy crap! Finally! The last episode! Well, it's taken me more than a year (maybe two? I dunno, haven't been counting) but I finally reached the final episode! I'll try to end it with a bang, we'll see how it goes. Hope you like it and have enjoyed the series thus far! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 26

Eternal _Luuurve_

Recap: Van and Hitomi made it back to Gaea, only to find it trashed by Zaibach! Some gay soldiers (seriously, they're gay) ask for Van's help, which he reluctantly agrees to give. Then he shoves Hitomi on a plane and mails her priority-shipping to Austuria! And it only took one night with Fed Ex! Whoop! Suck it, UPS! The Four Generals and Dornkirk all do some stupid, pointless things that simply ate up a few pages, then Hitomi was appalled to find Allen and Millerna celebrating her disappearance with a huge cake and fornication. Joy. She kicks Allen in the balls, then has a conversation (if it can even be called that) in another room with him about Van. Milly and Dryden have their first fight of their marriage, and Dryden calls it quits, giving Millerna her ring back and gettin' the hell outta there! Go, man, go! Run! Later, Hitomi visits Folken in his gloomy lair in the Batcave- er, I mean his secret laboratory in the castle. He tells her his plans of going to Zaibach to settle things with Dorny, while Hitomi desperately tries to warn him that it's a bad, bad idea. Naturally, he doesn't hear. Millerna cries over Dryden, but quickly moves on (as in onto and all over Allen), and Dilandau makes his comeback, seemingly more disturbed than ever before! Someone get that kid some meds! The war begins with a bang, and everyone starts killing each other. Basram unleashes its prized weapon – a radio that blares Cher music all over the battlefield, killing thousands and making many more insane. The poor bastards. Allen, Van, and the crew of the Crusade, being 'good guys', survive the song whilst everyone else dies horrible deaths. Figures. Hitomi runs over to Folken again, wanting to find a way to help Van, and the two use the recovered Fate-Alteration Engine to zip to Zaibach and pay Dornkirk a visit. He's expecting them, and several words are exchanged, such as "you" and "suck". Folken loses it, and flies up to kill the pervy old bastard once and for all. He succeeds, but in turn, a piece of his blade bounces back and kills…GONG-MAN! _Sob, sob_! He'll be sorely missed! Hitomi freaks out, Dorny's ghost appears, and the Zone of Absolute Misfortune is activated. Here it is, boys and girl, the final episode of My Vision of Escaflowne! ENJOY!

Lightning crackled in the darkened sky above the enormous factory of Zaibach, which was swirling ominously (the sky, not the factory) and generally being very scary. A huge green Beam o' Light was blasting up from the top of the factory, reaching through the clouds to the sky above. But don't be fooled, this is the normal Beam o' Light's slightly retarded younger cousin from the farm, plus it's _greenish_, not white!

"Duh, huh, huh!" The green Beam o' Light chuckled stupidly. "Let's make everythin' all _purty_!" Its green rays traveled up in the heavens, until they stopped and began expanding outward, bathing the whole world with strange colors of red, blue, and other colors of the rainbow.

The soldiers on the battlefield paused in their fighting, staring up at the sky in awe and fear. They began muttering in confusion, unsure of what to do now.

"What's that bright light?" Some wondered.

"It's coming from the Capital of the Empire!" Zaibach troops muttered.

"Oh. My. GOD." A lone soldier whispered in horror as he stared at the bright colors washing over the land. "They're trying to make us GAY!!!" At this everyone screamed and began panicking like pansies, running around and flailing their arms in despair.

"And what's wrong with _that_?" The two gay Basram soldiers (who had miraculously survived the battle) demanded, holding hands and glaring defiantly at all the other soldiers around them.

"Um…well…" the other soldiers coughed nervously and looked at their feet. "We…like women, you know?"

"Oh, puh-_lease_!" One of the gay soldiers rolled his eyes. "Let's go, hunny!"

"Coming, muffin!" The two skipped away to God knows where, leaving everyone else stuck in awkward silence.

"Hey, wait!" A Zaibach soldier cried. "Don't worry, you guys! Dornkirk is probably just pretending to be Rainbow Bright again!"

"Yeah, you're right!" The others laughed in relief and felt better.

-With Hitomi-

"The Zone of Absolute Misfortune?" Hitomi repeated dubiously, raising an eyebrow. "Couldn't you think of a better name than _that_?"

"Well…" the ghost of Dornkirk mused, eyes upward and lips pursed in thought. "I had 'Dorny's Wonderful World of Hurtiness', 'The Awesome Emperor Dornkirk's Gaea Gone Wild, Special Edition', and-"

"Okay, I get it!" Hitomi interrupted before she was forced to hear any other stupid names. "On second thought, The Zone of Absolute Misfortune is fine. Stick with it."

"Yes…" Dornkirk nodded knowingly. "The alteration of fate brought about by the ultimate activation of the Fate Alteration Engine-"

"_What_?" Hitomi screwed up her face in total confusion. "Speak English, man!"

"Basically, we're gonna take everyone's fate and do some stuff with 'em," Dornkirk explained in a much simpler way.

"_Oh_." Hitomi scowled. "And that's…_bad_, right?"

"YES." The Unseen Forces said firmly.

"Thought so." Hitomi nodded, then glared at Dornkirk. "I won't let you!"

"It'll grant everyone their wishes, creating perfect happiness!" Dornkirk declared proudly. Hitomi waited several seconds, but the stupid Disney cricket didn't show up.

"Hey…" Hitomi said slowly, glancing around. "What happened to…you know, that stupid Jiminy Cricket or whatever. You…gotta 'believe' and all that crap."

"Oh, that?" Dornkirk drew himself up smugly. "Well, since we're both ghosts now, I squashed the living crap outta him, DUH!"

"Oh, geez…" Hitomi couldn't help but feel a bit bad for the little guy.

"The true value of the Atlantis Machine is now being put to the test!" Dornkirk's ghost went on, waving his arms dramatically. "And just think! When I hook up my Wii to it-"

"Your WHAT?!" Hitomi butted in. "You're joking! Listen, that's what _destroyed_ Atlantis! You can't do it!"

"Yeah, but…" Dornkirk protested weakly, "Think of the resolutions I'll have when the entire sky is my TV screen! Samus Aran's boobs will be _thousands_ of times big-"

_Bonk_!

Hitomi threw her shoe at him.

-Back on the Battlefield-

Back on the scarred battlefield, a line of infantrymen and melefs marched away dejectedly, scurrying from the frontlines and retreating hurriedly to their own lands.

"The Zaibach forces are withdrawing, sir!" A soldier reported to the fat Basram commander from before.

"Hey, I _saw_ that!" The commander snapped, pointing to the above sentence. "I am NOT fat, I'm fluffy! Get it right!" He patted his bulging stomach, then got back to business. "Now, where's my tub of Haagen Daz? Daddy needs his medicine!" He snatched the container of ice-cream from a servant and began gulping it down with gusto. Yummy.

"Uh, sir, what about Zaibach?" The soldier from before asked nervously.

"Well…" The commander paused in his eating and thought for a moment. "With the bulk of its forces destroyed, Zaibach will finally- _GHUUUURT_!" He gagged and began shaking all over, obviously in a lot of pain and agony.

"Wh…what's wrong, sir?!" The soldier gasped. "Oh, no! Are you having a heart attack? Call 911, quick! The commander is dieing!"

"Calm down, boy! It's just…brainfreeze!" The commander gurgled, wincing in pain and clutching his tub of ice-cream to his chest. "Sheer…torment! The coldiness! _Guuhhh_! I know, I'll eat more to cure it!"

"I knew I shoulda taken that job as one of the Emperor Dornkirk's assistants…" the soldier sighed, watching his commanding officer eat more ice-cream and suffer more brainfreeze.

"Listen!" The commander managed to say. "Zaibach's as good as gone! And now...we're gonna do something _crazy_!" He grinned wickedly, recovering from the ice-cream. "Change course!" He ordered. "Head for…McDonalds! I want my Egg McMuffin!"

"But sir!" The soldier protested.

"…What, you want an apple pie or somethin'?"

"Sir," the soldier said, more firmly this time, "the only McDonalds around here is in Norte."

"What? Really?" The commander's face fell and then lit up in the span of several seconds. "Well then, I guess the only reasonable thing to do is…" his men sighed in relief, glad they would be going home now, "…DECLARE WAR ON THEM ALL! Let's go, men! We'll destroy those alliance pigs and the McDonald's goodness will be _ours_ for the taking! Ronald, my old friend, here we come!"

-Elsewhere on the Battlefield-

"What's going _on_?!" A commanding officer, with a thin moustache and decked out in a red tunic and funny funnel-like hat, demanded. "Basram is _attacking_ us?! Those sons of pigs!" The man paused, then turned to his second-in-command. "By the by, do you think these clothes make me look fat?"

"No, they make you look like a bishop chess piece, sir," the second answered truthfully.

"_Wonderful_!" The commander clapped his hands together with glee. "Now, prepare for a counterattack!"

On the other side of the battlefield, the Cezario captain stood before a flapping flag of the country emblem and was in the middle of a heart-warming speech for his men.

"It is time for the great men of Cezario to rise up and kick some fat Basram ASS!" The captain roared, shaking his fist. "We'll take Gaea's leadership, and crush them into the dust!"

"You're just sayin' that because you're angry and bitter over your wife leavin' you for a man from Basram!" A random voice called out from the crowd.

"Who the _bleep_ said that?" The Cezario captain asked, drawing his sword with a swish and staring with calm intensity at the crowd. "Was it you? Don't care, you die anyway." He stabbed a random man in the chest and went back to his speech. "Anyway, let's go cause some destruction. Forward, men!"

"Now, now," Dr. Phil coaxed in his slow, southern drawl as he stepped in among the soldiers. "Fighting _never_ solves anythin'. Have you tried talking, or _listening_ to one another? Here's what I want you to do: first, get two Chinese prostitutes, then-"

"Who the hell is that?" The soldiers around Dr.Phil muttered as he prattled on. "He's unbearably _annoying_!"

"Yeah! Plus, something tells me he's not even a _real_ doctor!" Another added.

"Not to mention he's a fat man who sold us a diet book!" The captain agreed with his men. "And he councils marriages when all his have _failed_!"

"Hey, I have a _good_ reason for that," Dr. Phil stated, raising a finger. "The dumb bitch wouldn't listen to me, so I-"

"GET HIM!" The Cezario captain roared, and his men pounced. Dr. Phil was dead within ten seconds. His ghost rose up from his decimated body, and looked down on the crowd of soldiers.

"Now, was that _really_ necessary?" He asked sadly. "You're _all_ a bunch of _jerks_." Then he began slowly rising up to heaven-

Psych! No way, man! He went zoomin' down to hell, crashing to the ground before the ruler of Hades himself, the Devil.

"Hey, pa," Dr. Phil drawled, standing up and brushing himself off. "I'm back."

Now, back to relevant matters that actually make sense. Fighting had once again broken out amongst the surviving troops, with Cezario, Basram, and Norte all exchanging blows and being really, really stupid. Allen stood trembling in the thick of it, sobbing his head off.

"_Guyyyys_!" He wailed. "Stop _fighting_! You're _scaring_ me! We're supposed to be _friends_ now, aren't we? Like one big happy _family_!" Then he remembered the totally eff-ed up family of his own. "Oh, well…group hug!" He ran toward the nearest group of soldiers but they spotted him quickly and ran away, shrieking in terror.

"What the hell are they _doing_?!" Gaddess gasped, watching the battle from bird's-eye view in the Crusade. Reeden joined him at the window, straining his eyes to see what was happening below.

"They're…having a party?" Reeden ventured a guess. "And it looks like they're having a hell of a time, too! Look at all the punch that's spilled!" It wasn't punch. It was blood. "Ooh, and they're grilling stuff, too!" That was smoke from smoldering dead bodies. "And look, a piñata!" …I don't even have to explain that one, do I? "It looks like fun, Gaddess! Let's join them!"

"They're _fighting_ down there, you idiot!" Gaddess snapped, shoving Reeden away from the windows. "Now get back to your post at the telescope and give us bad news like you usually do!"

"Aye-aye, sir!" Reeden saluted smartly and dashed back to his post, peeking into the telescope. The response was immediate. "Oh, _bleep_! Sarge, a Basram Leviship's heading our way! They're on the wrong side of the sky, _and_ they're not switchin' off their highbeams, either! I think they mean _business_!"

"Oh, really?" Gaddess asked dangerously, cracking his knuckles. "I guess now is the time for me to put my assassination techniques to good use!"

"…What?"

Aboard the approaching airship, the same…_fluffy_ Basram commander laughed aloud.

"Hahahaha! Just look at those Austurian cowards! So prissy and pretty with their washed hair and ironed clothes! Seriously, what kind of man would be caught _dead_ looking like that? They make me _sick_!"

A nearby good-looking soldier in a neatly-pressed shirt and lovely hair quickly slipped away to dirty himself up before he was thrown overboard for looking too sissy.

"Swat them outta the sky!" The Basram commander cried. The huge Basram airship flew straight at the Crusade, threatening to run the much smaller craft over.

"Take us down, Kio!" Gaddess hollered, clutching a rail to keep his balance.

"I know!" Kio furiously spun the steering wheel, but the Basram airship clipped the Crusade, causing one of the levistones to crumble and break upon impact. "Damn, they got a levistone!" Kio growled, now wrestling with the wheel. "We're screwed! I can't control it anymore!"

"The hell you _can't_!" Gaddess snarled, shoving the larger man aside and taking hold of the wheel himself. Everyone gasped and assumed the fetal position, eyes tightly shut as they waited for the end to come.

Nothing happened.

Reeden slowly lifted up his bandana and peeked out at Gaddess, who stared at the crew like _they_ were the ones with mental problems.

"What?" He asked.

"How come it didn't explode?" Pyle whispered. "Or burst into flames?" The others shrugged and slowly got to their feet.

"Will you guys shut up and let me _drive_ this stupid thing?!" Gaddess barked, heaving at the steering wheel. The Crusade heeded him, quickly turning out of the way of the still-oncoming Basram Leviship, and crash-landed safely atop a rocky outcropping. Everyone let out a sigh of relief and relaxed.

"You did it, Sarge! You _drove_!" Reeden flung his arms around his man-crush and gave him a hug.

"I…I _did_, didn't I?" Gaddess stammered, suddenly realizing what he'd just done. "I _drove_ something! Without it resulting to any death or bodily injury of mine or anyone else's!" He beamed, a proud grin on his face. "Gee, maybe now I'll be ready for my driver's lice-"

"NO!"

Van, meanwhile, was busy fighting off enemy melefs and watching all the other soldiers fight and squabble around him.

"What the-? Hey, stop it, you morons!" He hollered, trying to get the others to knock it off. "_I'm_ the only one who's allowed to act retarded in this anime! Well, Millerna and Allen to some degree too, but if _anyone's_ gonna be dumb, it'll damn sure be ME!"

Everyone kept fighting, paying the boy-King no mind.

"Hey, you listening?! HEY!" Van lost his temper. "Your MOTHERS!"

The entire army gasped and froze, then slowly turned to glare at Van.

"That was _uncalled_ for!"

"How _dare_ you insult my mother!"

"I'll have you know I love my mommy very much, thank you!"

"That's it, you meanie! Get him!" They all moved as one, charging straight for Van.

"Motherf-"

-With Hitomi-

"Huh? What's going on?" Hitomi wondered, feeling as if something was wrong. Ya damn right something is! "Hey, Dorny!" She turned and addressed the cloaked ghost. "Tell me why the allies are fighting each other! It better be a good reason, too!"

"Well, cuz they're 'tards, that's why!" Dornkirk stated matter-of-factly. Hitomi hesitated.

"…Okay, gimme two reasons."

"Oh, fine." Dornkirk rolled his eyes and explained. "People's emotions make it so."

"Who _are_ you, _Yoda_?" Hitomi scoffed. "Speak right, you old coot!"

-Aaaand Back to the Battlefield-

Back on the front line, several allied troops were ganging up on a lone Zaibach melef, easily bringing it down with their superior numbers and strength.

"Hahaha!" One allied soldier laughed. "You Zaibach are all bark and no bite! Talk about wimps!"

"What did you say, _bitch_?" A sinister voice hissed. From a cloud of smoke leapt the evil red melef, piloted by one Dilandau Albatou, out for blood and mass slaughter! He shot a Crima Claw into his opponents face, dispatching him quite nicely. "That's for calling me _ugly_!"

"I d-d-d-didn't!" The man gurgled, in his death throes.

"Oh." Dilandau shrugged. "Well, then I guess I just don't like you is all." He quickly turned and ran another melef through with a short sword, then lifted it up into the air above his head. The emotionally disturbed young man laughed maniacally, then proceeded to play with and make the dead Guymelef dance around like a silly puppet. "Doodily doo-dee-doo! I'm a stupid soldier from Basram, and I think Zaibach's a pansy! WRONG!" He hurled the limp melef off his sword and down onto the ground at his feet, laughing evilly once again. "Now, where the hell is Van?" He looked left and right, not seeing any sign of the wussy boy. "Jajuka! Sniff out the source of the stupid!"

"Right away, sir!" Jajuka, in his grey Guymelef once again, got onto all fours and began sniffing at the ground earnestly. "This is gonna be tough. The smell's all _over_ the place."

-With Hitomi Again!-

"The Zone of Absolute Misfortune," Dornkirk was explaining, "which has granted everyone their wishes, has merely made them all disgruntled and monumentally idiotic!" He was rubbing his chin and staring up at the big, glowing globe in his room, wondering what he'd done wrong. "Perhaps I put too much crack in it."

"You put in too much _what_?!" Hitomi barked, aghast.

"Why can't these foolish people let go of the destiny of war?" Dornkirk mused, ignoring Hitomi. "Do they actually wish to fight for the rest of their lives? This isn't Adelphos's favorite show, the Real World, you know! _Gee-awd_!" He threw his hands up in defeat.

"Man, this is stupid!" Hitomi groaned. "Where the hell's the exit in this damn place?"

-With Jajuka-

"Lord Dilandau!" Jajuka called out in triumph. "I found it! The stupid is focused _that_ way!" He glanced over his shoulder and blinked. No-one was there. "L…Lord Dilandau? Hello?" He glanced around but didn't see his master anywhere. "…Sissy albino?" He called. There still wasn't any response. "Damn, I've lost sight of him!" Jajuka growled, upset, and began having a flashback of his younger days…

A fluffy brown puppy yipped and bounded around a small yard, happily chasing a small red ball-

Just kidding! A younger-looking Jajuka in a funny light tunic stood before a seated Sorcerer in a darkened room.

"Jajuka…" the sorcerer hissed, "…who DOES your hair?!"

"Why does everyone always ASK me that?" Jajuka huffed irritably. "And look at your own hair! It's fine!"

"No, it doesn't have the bounce and shine _yours_ possesses!" The sorcerer pointed out. "But I digress. Listen up! I've got another brat for you to baby-sit. Remember not to tattle on our experiments, or you'll be getting five minutes time-out, you got that mister?"

"Yes, sir." Jajuka sighed. "I can't _believe_ I only get paid minimum wage for this…"

In a nearby cell, a little girl with curly brown hair sobbed in a corner, badly frightened. Why, it's Selena, Allen's long-lost sister! This must be what happened to her after she got kidnapped!

"Weeeeh! No!" Selena sobbed, huddling on the floor. "I don't _wanna_ go back home! Stupid Allen is there! Please, don't make me! Waaaaah!" The door opened and Jajuka approached the crying girl from behind, holding a small tray of food.

"Hey, don't cry," he said gently, kneeling down. "Here's some food for you.

"Waaaaaah!" Selena didn't even pause.

"Come on, eat!" Jajuka tried again. "You need to eat, sweetie!"

"Waaaaaah!"

"_Shut your pie-hole and eat, you stupid little brat_!" Jajuka exploded. Selena froze and stared at him, wide-eyed and mouth hanging open. "Ahem…I mean, please, eat…" Jajuka pushed the tray of food closer to the girl, who wrinkled her nose in disgust at the contents.

"Eww! It's _dog_-food!"

"So what?" Jajuka sniffed. "It's very nutritious, and it doesn't taste half-bad once you get used to it!"

"Maybe to someone like _you_…" Selena grumbled under her breath.

"Look, just eat," Jajuka said firmly. "They'll neuter me if you die, and I quite like my balls where they are, okay? Won't be pleasant. So please, eat!"

"Buh…buh…" Selena protested, lower lip beginning to quiver again. "But look what they did to my hair!" Tears filled her eyes as she clutched her cropped curls. "It looks _awful_!"

"Well, I quite like it," Jajuka admitted. "Makes you look more masculine, which you'd better get used to."

"…What?"

"Nothing." Jajuka sighed. "Now come here! You're eating this food, even if I have to _force_ you!" He grabbed hold of the little girl and began shoving the food down her throat as the flashback came to an end…

Jajuka chuckled at the fond memory, and became determined to find his master.

"I must find Lord Dilandau!" He declared. "I know! I'll do it by sniffing out the _crazy_! Genius! Hopefully I won't find Mariah Carey by mistake…"

And so, nose to the wind, Jajuka's grey melef jumped up and zoomed off over the land, in search of his master.

-With Hitomi…_Again_-

"You've got to stop that machine!" Hitomi demanded, stomping her foot for emphasis. "Make it stop!"

"Impossible!" Dornkirk boomed. "Even with Tom Cruise here, I couldn't! Once set in motion, fate _can't_ be stopped!" He paused, chewing his lip. "It's…it's kinda like…_peein'_."

"_Ugaaaah_…" Hitomi gagged and struggled not to vomit.

"If it's destruction that people wish for," Dornkirk continued, "we can do nothing but accept it. Now, if they had wished for hot virgin amazons, then we wouldn't be in this big ol' steamin' pile of dookie, now would we? But does _anyone_ listen to me?!"

"For good reason…" Hitomi muttered softly.

"Huh?"

"I said you're stupid!"

-With Van-

Back on the battlefield, lightning continued to strike the land, as Van peeked out of his hiding place to check if the coast was clear. Thankfully, it was.

"Phew." Van sighed in relief. "I think I outran them."

"Next time, kid, don't bring their mothers into it." The Escaflowne grouched.

"Hey, I know! I learned my lesson already." Van snapped, then froze. "I…I feel something! Something is…_coming_!"

"You mean something evil?" The Escaflowne gasped.

"I…hold on! Wait! …_Almost_!" Van closed his eyes and winced.

_Poot_!

"…You just had to FART?!" The Escaflowne cried.

"Well, yeah." Van shrugged, waving his hand around to disperse the foul-smelling gas. "What did you _think_ I was talking about?"

"Oh, gee, I dunno," Escaflowne said innocently, "maybe THAT!" He flung an arm forward and pointed at an approaching blood-red melef (blood-red because of all the blood ON it) that was cutting down allied units with deadly Crima Claws.

"Oh. It's the red Guymelef." Van stated quietly. "You mind if I crap myself?"

"HELL yes!" The Escaflowne retorted.

"There you are, Van!" Dilandau cackled. "I finally found you! Thanks to _this_ little bastard!" Bert, the bastard cast-off Unseen Force, was sitting on the maniac's shoulder, chuckling evilly and waving. "Now _bleep_ off." Dilandau smacked the little annoyance away and glared at Van. "You, too!" A Crima Claw flew straight for Van, who froze in fear.

"Kid, do the Macarena!" The Escaflowne cried.

"What? _Why_?!" Van spluttered.

"Just do it!" The Escaflowne insisted.

"Okay." Van shrugged and complied. The annoying dance did the trick, making Van able to dodge the Crima Claws flying at him, and they flew past, hitting harmlessly into the ground. "Hey, cool! It worked!" Van exclaimed.

"Hey, cool! It worked!" The Escaflowne exclaimed. "Oh, er, I mean, of course it did! Although personally _I_ prefer the Spice Girls-"

"Shut it!" Dilandau roared and charged them. Van quickly used the Macarena once again and was easily able to chop off an arm and a leg from Dilandau's melef. The pyromaniac fell backwards, hitting the wall of a cliff and swearing loudly.

"You bastard!" He snarled, shooting Crima Claws from his one remaining arm. Van once again employed the Macarena method and was able to slip past them, then slashed off Dilandau's other arm, leaving his melef with only one leg.

"Okay, man! Give up!" Van advised, poised to deal the finishing blow.

"_Bleep_ you!" Dilandau spat, flipping him the bird.

"What're you gonna do?" Van scoffed. "Kick me with your _one_ leg?"

"Good idear!" Dilandau hollered, and brought his remaining leg up to connect with the Escaflowne's crotch.

_Whack_!

"_Gwaaaah_!" The Escaflowne gurgled in pain and doubled over, clutching its privates in pain.

"Oh, that's _it_!" Van declared angrily. "No-one kicks my melef in the junk but ME! Die, albino!" He raised his sword high up above his head to deliver the finishing strike, but Jajuka's melef, just in time, dashed across the field and chomped its sharp metal teeth on the Escaflowne's ankle. "Owwww! You stupid mutt!" Van swung his sword down and struck Jajuka on the head, a killing blow.

"No, Old Yeller!" Dilandau sobbed. "I mean, Jajuka! _Nooo_!"

"Lord Dilandau! Don't worry!" Jajuka called out as his strength left him. "You'll be okay!" His mind blurred, and old memories bubbled to the surface. Jajuka remembered playing with Selena when she was still a girl and not crazy, letting her ride on his back like a pony, her grooming his fur till it shone, her having to pick up his mess with a pooper-scooper…ah, good times. "Turn back into Selena! Turn back into that gentle, sane Selena!" He called out again.

"How the hell do I do _that_?" Dilandau barked.

"Oh, hell, I dunno." Jajuka shrugged. "Like Sailor Moon, maybe?" Then his melef burst into blue flames and he fell over backwards, dead and quite well done.

"Lotta help _you_ are!" Dilandau growled, kicking the burnt-out shell.

"Don't worry!" Van grinned at the camera. "I did it humanely!" Later he would be charged with Animal Cruelty by the ASPCA and have to spend four months in prison.

"Jajuka…" Dilandau sniffled sadly, now that he was all alone in the world once again. Now he began reminiscing about the past, remembering his life as Selena before the operation and how he (she?) would smack the lovable dog-man for licking himself in public, and trying to hump a sorcerer. Then Dilandau remembered the last time he'd seen his dog-man before he was changed into a boy.

"Bad dog! Bad dog!" Mean Zaibach soldiers hollered, beating the younger Jajuka with sticks. "You crapped on Emperor Dornkirk's favorite carpet and dragged your ass all over it! BAD!"

"No! Jajuka!" Selena sobbed, trying to reach her faithful pooch. The big scary men dragged her away and talked to her comfortingly.

"Don't worry, girlie," they said. "We'll find someone who's not such a mutt to take care of you. How about Michael Jackson?"

"_NOOOOOOOOOOO_!!!"

Dilandau blinked and snapped back to reality. Jajuka was dead and he would be close behind if he didn't act. Of course, his totally effed up body took that of all times as a trigger to start changing from him to Selena, and back again. Sadly for Dilandau, it was nothing like Sailor Moon's transformation sequence. He gurgled in pain and went rigid, his eyes switching from blue to red several times.

"Damn…color contacts!" Dilandau gasped. "They keep…falling out!"

"Let's end this!" Van cried, leaping for the fallen melef with his sword drawn. Far away in Zaibach, Hitomi gasped as she felt Van about to do something really, really stupid, even for him.

"No, Van! Don't!" She screamed.

"Huh?" Van halted, hearing her voice a little. Then he shook his head and began charging again. Thankfully a shadow appeared above the Ispano Guymelef's head, and Allen, piloting Sherry, came crashing down with his signature belly-flop.

"Hands off!" The Knight cried, settling himself between Van and the helpless Dilandau (Selena? Heck, I don't know anymore!).

"Allen? The hell you _doin_, man?" Van growled. "I thought you'd be hiding in a hole somewhere, not getting' in my way!"

"Stop it, Van!" Allen ordered. "Put down your sword! Zip up your fly! And for goodness sakes, fix your hair! It's a gosh-darn _mess_!"

"Shut up!" Van blushed self-consciously. "Get out of my way! I _have_ to kill him! If I do, I'll remove the source of evil in Gaea! Isn't that right, Bert?" He turned and looked at the bastard Unseen Force that was now perched on _his_ shoulder. Bert nodded enthusiastically.

"You're wrong!" Allen snarled at him. "You're _never_ going to end people's hatred looking like _that_! Now, if you had some clothes like _mine_, then maybe you'd have a shot-"

"Get to the point!" Van interrupted, swinging at Allen's head with his sword. The two began grappling with one another, trying to force the other back.

"Killing Dilandau won't solve anything!" Allen pointed out.

"My country was destroyed!" Van retorted. "How can _you_ understand my grief?!"

Allen simply raised an eyebrow.

"…Okay, so you can," Van admitted after remembering Austuria's destruction, "but I'm just sick of you, so be like Ludacris and mooove, bitch, get out the way! Get out the way, bitch! Get out the way!"

"You'll have to go through _me_!" Allen declared bravely. "Because Dilandau…is my _sister_!"

There was a brief, awkward pause.

"…Look, Allen," Van coughed, "I _know_ he looks like a girl and all, but that's still not reason enough to-"

"_Silence_!" Allen cried. "_Her_ crimes are _my_ crimes, fashion ones included! Even if she was controlled by Zaibach's black magic! Now, let's go! We'll settle this once and for all, who the _true_ hero of this anime is! Face me, Van Fanel!"

Van grit his teeth and tightened his grip of his sword, but still hesitated.

"You gonna let him talk to you like that?" Bert hissed into his ear.

"HELL no!" Van snarled.

"I, Allen Schezar, a knight of Kaeli," Allen cried proudly, "will fight you to the last breath in my body!" He paused. "Or at least until I don't feel like it anymore an' give up."

"Touché!" Van agreed, and the two launched themselves into battle.

On a cliff overlooking the plain the two idiots were fighting on, Gaddess came running up to the edge and saw what was happening down below.

"What the…? The Scherazade-" He began.

"_Sherry_!" Allen called out obstinately.

"…Sherry and the Escaflowne are _fighting_!" Gaddess finished. "What the hell's going on?"

"Well, it _is_ the final episode," Reeden pointed out as he and the rest of the crew ran up behind their second-in-command.

"Yeah," Kio added. "You _knew_ they'd settle things at _some_ point in the story. Why not now?" There was a brief silence.

"Fifty bucks on the brat." Pyle stated.

"Screw you, I'm putting a hundred on the commander!" Oruto spat. "The man's got nothing left to lose!"

"Will you guys _cut it out_?!" Gaddess interrupted, making everyone pause and stare at him. "…Okay, fine. I'll put twenty bucks on Van."

"Only twenty?" The men asked in confusion.

"Hey, the rest goes toward my deposit on a nuclear warhead, okay?" Gaddess huffed.

"…You're _bleep_ing scary, man."

Down on the battlefield, Hitomi's ghostly image appeared as she began watching the fight taking place.

"Eww, gross!" Hitomi gagged at the ruin and filth all around her. "This place is nasty! It's worse than that all-night kegger I once went to with Yukari!" She turned her head and caught sight of Allen and Van and frowned. "Oh. Those idiots are fighting again, huh? Big surprise there."

"I believe," Dornkirk's ghost stated, appearing next to her, "that they're quite serious this time."

"_Serious_?" Hitomi repeated, quirking an eyebrow. "Yeah, seriously stupid. Let's see how long it'll last. Hey, morons!" She called to the fighting pair, cupping her hands around her mouth. "Knock it off! Hey!" They continued fighting. "Hey! I…I'll cut your things off!" Still no stopping. "Damn, they _are_ serious." Hitomi whispered. "Why are they fighting _this_ time?"

"Because it is their _wish_," Dornkirk explained knowingly.

"I woulda wished for something simpler, like cheesecake, but hey, that's just me." Hitomi shrugged nonchalantly as the two continued sparring.

"Hmm! You seem to have surprisingly improved!" Allen commented as Van blocked a blow from the left. "That, or I've gotten worse."

"Oh, believe me," Van stated, shoving him back, "you've gotten worse. Better make sure your _hair_ doesn't block your view, lemon-head!"

"Oh, that's low, man!" Allen hissed, eyes narrowing. "You can insult my clothes, you can insult my country, and you can even insult my ho's, but don't you _ever_ insult my _hair_! At least I _wash_ mine!!"

"Like that's something to be proud of?" Van shot back, and they were at it again.

"Haha!" Allen taunted after a few more rounds. "You've become a good Guymelef pilot, Van! You remind me of Balgus!"

"You mean I have an enormous manhood and a kick-ass twenty-foot-long sword?" Van queried.

"No." Allen corrected. "I mean you're ugly and you smell like dookie."

"You BASTARD!" Van snarled. "Come on! Let's _do_ it, right now!"

There was yet another drawn-out awkward pause.

"As…as in…you know…_fight_." Van clarified.

"Well then say what you _mean_! You had me confused for a second there." Allen rolled his eyes, and they swung their swords at each other some more.

"Man, and I used to think _I_ was stupid…" Dornkirk muttered.

"Man, and I used to think _Dornkirk_ was stupid…" Hitomi muttered beside him.

"You see?" Dornkirk asked, turning to Hitomi. "Their wishes have been granted, here in the Zone of Absolute Misfortune."

"Hmm. I gotta have at this ma." Htiomi squeezed her eyes closed and _wished_. Instantly a delicious-looking cheesecake popped into being in front of her. "_Whoo_! It worked! Horray!" Hitomi happily grabbed the treat and began digging in.

Meanwhile, Selena, who had turned back into a girl for good (fangirls may cry and commit suicide now) had abandoned her ruined melef and was now wandering the battlegrounds aimlessly. She reached up and yanked off the golden tiara that had always adorned her forehead when she had been the psychotic Dilandau.

"What the crap's this?" She wondered. "And I used to wear this when I was _male_? Eesh." She tossed it aside, then glanced up, instantly catching sight of Van and Allen battling it out close by. "Who're these two idiots?" She asked aloud. "Something tells me they're both really stupid." She paused and studied the two Guymelefs. "That," she stated, looking at Sherry, "is the _gayest_ melef I've ever seen." Then she looked over at the Escaflowne. "And that one's not far behind."

Selena crossed her arms and tapped her foot. How to get these idiots' attention? Yell? Curse? Throw something? No, none of those would work. Luckily Selena knew just what to do.

She took off her red leather jacket, very slowly and sexily, which instantly attracted Allen's attention from his battle with Van.

"Die, Van! You son of a- HOLY CRAP BOOBIES!" Allen's head whipped around as he ogled the lovely young lady standing at his Guymelef's feet. She was clad in a Ziabach-issue leather uniform and tank-top, and looked remarkably familiar…

"Whoa!" Allen cried, finally recognizing the girl. "That's my _sister_! Oh, crap! Get the images out! Get them out, out, out!" He began beating his head against the inside of Sherry's visor, desperately trying to rid his mind of the unclean images that contained him and his sis.

"Stop fighting!" Selena hollered up at him.

"Allen! Come on!" Van taunted, brandishing his weapon and swinging it forward.

"Van, no!" Hitomi cried out in horror.

Too late. Van's sword had struck Scherazade's face, destroying it.

"My _face_!" Allen screeched. "My beautiful, manly face with absolutely no trace on stubble even after days of not shaving! My- oh, wait, that's _Sherry's_ face." He paused. "Sherry, nooooo! My _melef's_ beautiful face!"

"Serves you right!" Van growled. "Now, get out of my way!"

"Okay, both of you, seriously, stop it!" Hitomi yelled as loud as she could.

"What the…?" Van blinked, again hearing Hitomi's voice on the edge of his consciousness. "Where's that voice _coming_ from? Am I…the next Joan of Arc, but with a penis? Oh, I _knew_ the Gods favored me! Tell me what to do, Jesus! You're my homeboy!" He whimpered and went all sparkly-eyed.

"Shut up and listen!" Hitomi ordered. Van gasped and found himself in a strange, frozen dimension, floating in the air with Hitomi latched on his arm.

"What is it, Hitomi?" Van asked, not really that surprised to see her. "You…want me to aim lower? Like for his ba-"

"Well, yeah, that would be- NO!" Hitomi stopped herself and shook her head. "This is all the fault of Dornkirk's machine!"

"_Dornkirk_?" Van scoffed. "That loon? He can't even make it to the toilet to crap on time, yet he can make a machine that causes men to become crazy and power-hungry? _Pffffft_!"

"It true! And the bad fate won't stop!" Hitomi cried. "At this rate, Gaea will end up exactly like _Atlantis_!"

"You mean we'll all look like girls and have to wear gay dresses?" Van gasped. "The _horror_!"

"No!" Hitomi resisted the urge to smack him. "I mean totally _bleep_ed!"

"Okay, fine!" Van sighed. "Just let me kill Allen, then I'll go kill Dornkirk, then Dilandau, and, _ooh_! Ryan Seacrest! And I won't forget about-"

"NO!" Hitomi smacked him for real this time. "No more killing! You don't have to- did you say Ryan Seacrest?" Hitomi looked thoughtful. "Because he bugs the _crap_ outta me!"

"I _know_!" Van agreed enthusiastically.

"Okay, you can kill him," Hitomi conceded, "but leave everyone else alone! You don't have to fight anymore, Van!"

"But my manliness won't allow it!" Van protested. "Don't you get it? I gotta make up for all my pansiness in all the previous episodes! Blood must flow! Heads must fly! I'll end this war, and avenge Gong-man, then come get freaky with you! Unless…you'd rather do it right h-"

_SLAP_!

"Ow! You hit me!" Van whimpered, clutching his cheek.

"Stop it!" Hitomi growled, losing her patience or what little she had to begin with. "You're acting as stupid and horny as _Allen_! Those are the emotions that are _causing_ all the fighting!"

"B…but I'm fighting to protect _you_!" Van insisted. "And to do that, I must kill everyone else in the entire world! Don't you see?!"

"I didn't _ask_ you to, you idiot!" Hitomi pointed out.

"Buh…buh…but you! But I!" Van stuttered, searching for an answer. "Okay, you got me on that one, but-"

"There's no reason to right Allen!" Hitomi said firmly. Van simply stared at her. "Alright, so _you_ got a point there, too-"

"Oh, so _that's_ how it is, huh?!" Van growled, his eyes narrowing. "You're just worried about _Allen_, aren't you?! You still have feelings for him, _don't_ you?!"

"When did I EVER-" Hitomi began.

"I can't believe you! You whore!" Van burst into tears. "I shoulda listened to Merle when she said you'd only be trouble! I hate you! _Guhhh_!" He pulled away from Hitomi and drifted away through the dark, still world.

"Van, you butt-hole!" Hitomi called after him as he disappeared. "I'm worried about _you_, not Allen! I care about _you_, why can't you understand that?!"

"Because it takes all he's got to understand everything else _already_," a voice stated behind her. "Like how to breathe and stuff." Hitomi gasped and whirled around to find that Folken had appeared behind her in the strange vision.

"Wha? Oh, hey, Folken. Still not dead, huh?" She raised an eyebrow at the man.

"Nope!" Folken grinned and winked at the fic author. "I got a 'get out of death free' card! I'm just here to encourage you and crap."

"Oh, alright. Please continue." Hitomi settled down to listen.

"It'll be alright, Hitomi," Folken began in a comforting voice, "if you believe…wait, wait, wait. Who the hell gave me such cheesy lines?"

Jiminy Cricket's ghost coughed nervously and was quickly crushed underfoot by the annoyed fic author. Get the eff outta here, you stupid Disney bug! Meanwhile, Hitomi and Folken had left the strange, dark world, and now sat on a grassy cliff overlooking the ocean, with a salty sea breeze ruffling their clothes and hair. Seagulls wheeled around in the sky overhead, shrieking shrilly as Hitomi listened to what Folken had to say.

"People's emotions sometimes move the heavens," Folken said softly, "but when those emotions conflict, they can cause great- oh, GOD!"

"What?! What is it?!" Hitomi gasped, leaping up from her kneeling position. Folken growled in disgust and placed a hand on his head, the fingers coming away white.

"_Eeeeugh_! A _bleep_ing seagull just _bleep_ed on my head!" Folken searched for a handkerchief and began cleaning the mess from his mullet. "_Bleep_-damn bird! Ruined the mother_bleep_ing scene!"

"Uh, I think that was _you_," Hitomi admitted.

"Hey, _I'm_ not the one who took a _dump_ on someone's head!" Folken snapped, throwing the soiled rag over the cliff.

"That's littering-"

"Be quiet and _listen_!" Folken whirled around to face the psychic girl. "To sum it all up, when people's emotions conflict, it's BAD. If people could just rid themselves of that, they can change, and be GOOD. Now I'm out. I'm going to take a shower and wash my damn hair." Folken snapped his fingers and disappeared from the vision in a puff of smoke.

"I can change…" Hitomi repeated, in a daze. "Thank you, Obi-wan! You were my only hope! Conflicting emotions…" As Hitomi mulled over this new information, she left the pretty cliff place and found herself in yet another dark, scary world, this time surrounded by hundreds of threads that were strung up around her, as if holding her back.

"Wait! I get it now!" Hitomi cried as several pieces snapped into place in her mind. "My _emotions_ are what bind Van! They keep him bein' a 'tard!" She pulled out her pendant and gazed at it. "With all the care and anger I have for him, I also trust in him! …Kinda. I think I…" She glanced up, and saw a ghostly image of Van drift before her eyes as the threads around her snapped loose. "I think that I'm…I'm in _love_ with Van!"

"_Bwahahahahahahaa_!" Folken, who had just appeared beside her, doubled over with gales of laughter.

"WHAT?!" Hitomi demanded, cheeks burning.

"No, no, nothing!" Folken managed between giggles. "Go ahead with your touching little confession, there. I'll just…stand here and shut up, don't mind me." He cleared his throat and became serious again.

Hitomi opened her mouth to continue.

"_Love him_," Folken whispered under his breath. "_Pffffffft_!" He exploded into fits of laughter once again, not noticing the vicious glares Hitomi was firing at him.

"Shut up! I'm not ashamed to admit it!" Hitomi stood up and proudly declared, "I LOVE VAN!"

"_Ahaaahaaaahaaaa_!" Folken had collapsed on the ground and was now rolling from side to side, kicking his legs, shrill laughter making him gasp for air. "Oh! Oh, God! This is _priceless_! My sides are splitting!" Hitomi ignored him, instead closing her eyes and concentrating.

"The smell of the field," she thought, and left the dark string world and entered yet ANOTHER vision with a huge green meadow and shining sun. Wind blew over the grass, making it dance with delight, and Hitomi inhaled the warm scent of the field. "Van's smell, with just a hint of fart and stupid. I love you, Van!"

Folken's soft giggle could still be heard as the piano-lady appeared once again to set the romantic mood with her beloved piano. As the lovey-dovey music began to play, birds twittered around Hitomi and flew up high into the sky where they were quickly gunned down by stupid bird-hunters.

"Huh? Hitomi?" Van blinked as he sensed something, still trapped in the strange dimension of visions. "Loser senses…_tingling_! Hitomi's talkin' smack about me again! Damn her!"

"She's sayin' she _loves_ you, ya idiot!" The Escaflowne's voice growled from thin air.

"…_Oh_." Van blushed. "R-really?" Just then, an image of Hitomi popped into his head.

"I'm sorry, Van!" She cried. "_I_ was the one who didn't understand, and kept nailing you in the sack time after time. I'm sorry-orry-orry!" She faded away into nothingness.

"Uh, you didn't have to do the echo…" Van started to say before he, too, faded away.

-Back to Reality, _Finally_!-

Van gasped and snapped back to reality. He stood on the blood-soaked battlefield, in the Escaflowne, with his sword still stuck in the Scherazade's face.

"_Hoo_-boy, this is awkward…" Van coughed, feeling ashamed at what he'd done. "Sorry 'bout that." He yanked his sword free, and Allen's melef slowly fell over backwards, landing with a loud crash on the ground. Immediately the melef's chest popped open and Allen scuttled out, unfortunately to mortally injured.

"Owchies! I got a boo-boo!" He whined, running up to his long-lost sister. "Selena! Kiss it for me and make it better!"

"Not if it's on your face," Selena snapped, knowing all too well her brother's ways. He hadn't changed a bit since their childhood.

"Oh, don't worry," Allen assured her. "It's on my bu-"

_Smack_!

"I have to fill in for Hitomi while she's gone!" Selena explained, winking at the camera.

"And she's doing a mighty-fine job, too!" Allen agreed, the red imprint of a hand on his cheek.

"Damn, he's still alive!" Van sulked, then noticed the young girl who'd smacked Allen. "Hey, who the hell is she?"

"She's the hot sister, er, the sister I _told_ you I had!" Allen barked up at him. "See? _See_? I was right! In! Your! _Face_!" He swung his arms back and accidentally hit Selena in the face, knocking her backwards off her feet. "Oh, shiz-nit! Sorry, sweets!" Allen quickly turned and tried helping her back up.

"You idiot! I can't believe you're my brother!" Selena groaned, holding her bruised face.

"Hey, whaddaya know, she remembered!" Allen laughed in delight. "I missed you so much, Selena! And now that you're back, we can stay up late at night, doing each other's hair and nails, giggling and eating popcorn while watching movies, and telling each other about our crushes, just like _normal_ brothers and sisters!"

"…Dude, normal brothers and sisters don't-" Van began.

"_Quiet_!" Allen snapped, cutting him off. "I'm so glad you're back! Hug time!" He enveloped Selena in a crushing bear-hug, and the overpowering smell of Axe Body-Spray combined with Hair-Spray made her too weak to fight back. "I swear I'll never leave you alone again!" Allen promised, then gasped as something caught his eye. "_Whoa_! Who's that hot chick over there?" He zoomed off in a trail of fire, letting Selena fall from his arms back onto the ground with a thud.

"Figures…" Selena sighed, picking herself up. "He never does change."

"Amen to THAT!" Van heartily agreed.

"Nope, it was just a dead body!" Allen reported, zipping back over. "Anyway, Van! I think I heard Hitomi's voice a little while ago! Plus I sensed her super-hot presence. You know where she is, don'tcha? Tell me tell me!" He panted like a dog and whined pityingly.

"For your information," Van said smugly, "she's waiting for ME, loser! _Oooh_! What's this?" His tone immediately became mocking and cruel. "No lady for _you_, huh? Guess _I'm_ the winner now, _bitch_! Oop, oop!" He began doing a victory dance, which included shaking his fanny in Allen's direction and whooping some more.

"Hey, remember! I still have _Millerna_!" Allen stated.

"Aaaand…that counts for something?" Van asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well…no." Allen admitted, wilting in defeat.

"Well, I'd love to stay and rub my victory into your _single_ face," Van said mildly, "but _I've_ got a hot date with an even hotter psychic girl to get to. Tootles!" He waved goodbye as the Escaflowne transformed into Dragon Mode and took off into the sky, blowing dust and debris everywhere.

"Ooh, that jerk! He just _had_ to ruin my hair, didn't he?" Allen muttered, attempting to fix his mussed-up hair from the sudden burst of wind. Selena watched the Escaflowne fly away in silent awe.

"It's a…white dragon…" she whispered softly, then looked to the side at her brother. "And a…yellow-haired idiot…"

"_Heeeyyy_!!" The two turned to see the crew of the Crusade running over, waving their arms in the air happily.

"Oh, my brave and loyal followers!" Allen gasped in delight. "Do not smother me with your affections and praise-"

The crowd of men went right by him and screeched to a halt in front of Selena.

"Hey, cutie! What's your name!" Reeden asked.

"You free Friday night?" Pyle inquired.

"I'm _15_!" Selena stated firmly, eyes narrowing at the perverted men.

"Wow, really?" Oruto wondered. "I've got a daughter about your age! You single?"

"_EWWWW_!" Selena turned and ran for the hills.

-Back in the Factory-

"So…in the end…" Dornkirk sniffled, as the large globe above him hummed, "I was unable…to get the _highscore_."

"Put the DS _down_, old man!" Hitomi barked.

"Oh, poo!" Dornkirk huffed at her but snapped the beefed-up gameboy closed and started over. "So, in the end, I was unable to control fate, just like how I couldn't made gold using alchemy (even with help from the Elric brothers), or get any chick to like me. I'm so lonely…" Dornkirk sniffled some more and hugged himself. "Maybe I'll try E-Harmony?"

"Will you just give it up already?!" Hitomi interrupted.

"Eh? What, you think is a better place?" Dornkirk asked her.

"_No_! They're both stupid and full of perverts!" Hitomi stomped her foot at him.

"Well then what do _you_ suggest I do, missy?" Dornirk asked airily.

"I learned something today," Hitomi said slowly. "I don't believe in predetermined fate. I think that if you're true to yourself, and be who you really are inside, you'll find someone who will love _you_ for _you_."

"R-really?" Dornkirk asked hopefully.

"No, not really!" Hitomi growled. "You're just a pervert, and _no-one_ likes perverts!"

-With Van-

Van was flying fast over the battlefield, perched atop his loyal Escaflowne, intent on saving Hitomi from the perverted clutches of that dirty old man. He really should have been paying more attention to the road, as the Escaflowne's trailing legs and tail were bonking the heads of every Guymelef on the field as they passed over.

_Bonk! Bonk! Bonk_!

"Oo! Ee! Aa!" Van winced at each hollow sound and looked over his shoulder to call back at the damaged melefs. "Sorry! Sorry, my man!"

"I think you're becoming a _worse_ pilot over time," the Escaflowne commented nastily.

"Hey, shut up and help me find Hitomi!" Van ordered, not in the mood to fight at the moment. In the distance, the blazing green beam and crackling electricity around the Zaibach factory could be seen. "I don't know why…" Van whispered, gazing at it, "but I feel as if she's…in _Hollywood_."

_BAM_!

The Escaflowne's tail swung up and gave Van a firm smack on the back of his head.

"No she's not, you dolt! She's right over _there_, in _Zaibach_! _Gawd_!" The Escaflowne rolled its eyes irritably.

"I _knew_ that!" Van shot back, rubbing his head gingerly. "An agitated heart calls the dragon," he mused, "and hate, fear, and stupidity create conflict. Here, eat this burrito." He pulled the Mexican delight from his pocket and held it in front of the Escaflowne's nose.

"What? No! Why?" The Guymelef demanded.

"Just DO it!" Van insisted, shoving the food down its throat. The Escaflowne gagged but was forced to swallow, causing the immediate reaction of its Energist as it glowed brightly.

"_Eeergh_! Heartburn!"

"There we go!" Van grinned triumphantly.

"_Essssssscaflowneeee_!" The Gregorian monks began singing once again. "_Essssscaflowneeeeee_!"

"Yay! The monks are back!" Van cheered. "Now you _know_ some _bleep_'s goin' down!" His face suddenly turned serious as he resolved to take action. "Watch this, ladies! _Hurrrrgh_!" He strained mightily, and the expected result happened.

_Poot_!

"…Did you just fart AGAIN?!" The Escaflowne howled.

"Wha…no!" Van protested, cheeks bright pink. "You don't understand, I was trying to- hang on! _Guhhh_! _Hnnnngh_!"

"_Stop_!" The disgruntled melef roared. "Don't crap on me kid! You're gonna bust a nut if you keep doin' that!" Finally Van was successful, and his white wings burst from his back, shredding his new shirt as they unfolded.

"No, not _another_ one!" Van cried in despair. "And that was expensive, too! Abercrombie and Fitch! _Dammit_!" He leapt from the Escaflowne's back, taking to the air as the melef trailed after.

On the battlefield below, white feathers drifted down among the crazed fighters, easily stopping the combatants by making them sneeze and irritating their allergies. Soon everyone had stopped fighting and were rubbing their itchy, tear-filled eyes and sniffling as their noses ran.

"Aa-choo!" One soldier from Basram sneezed loudly.

"Oh, bless you!" A soldier from Norte patted his back.

"Why, thank you!" The Basram soldier said sincerely. "How sweet!" The two hugged, but not in a gay way.

"Would you like a tissue?" A soldier from Cezario asked a man from Zaibach.

"I'd _love_ one!" The Zaibach soldier gushed, and they became fast friends.

One man stood away from the rest, gazing up into the sky in awe.

"A white dragon…" he whispered, eyes wide and staring. "A white dragon is…flying away!"

"Come here, Tony!" A nearby nurse called over. "Look, we brought _finger-_paints! Paint and picture, and then we'll go back to the home for supper, alright? And don't forget to take your pills!"

"Whee! Paint white dragon!" Tony squealed, guzzling down the paints like soda.

"Tony, NO!"

Van, ignorant that his molting problem had stopped the fighting, continued flying toward the factory in Zaibach, despite all the lightning bolts raining down around him.

"Dumb luck, don't fail me now!" He crowed, and it didn't, as all the lightning bolts missed him, although one did get awfully close. "That one singed my ASS!" Van complained, then focused on the factory with the great green Beam o' Light blasting from it. "Is that it?" He wondered.

Luckily the Unseen Forces had erected a huge sign over the factory, which was a large, blinking arrow that read: "Hitomi is HERE."

"Gee, I _dunno_…" Van still wasn't sure, but flew in closer anyway. The green Beam o' Light snatched him from the sky and pulled him in, searing his corneas with its powerful rays.

"_Eaaargh_! Blinding light!" Van hissed in pain, trying to stay airborne. "This better not be radioactive gamma rays, or my children will be _freaks_!" He paused, looking thoughtful. "Or _superheroes_."

"Duh, huh, huh!" The green Beam o' Light chuckled. "Don'tcha worry none, son! I'm only here foh drah-matic ee-fect!"

"Oh. Well, _that's_ comforting." Van drew in a deep breath. "_Hitomiiiiiii_!"

"Van!" Hitomi's eyes glowed with delight and she looked up, sensing his moronic presence coming closer. "Van's coming! He's coming to get me the hell outta here! _Whee_!" She then did a happy little dance.

"Hah! Impossible!" Dornkirk scoffed. "He's obviously here for…my _garage_ sale!" He held out an arm and displayed a table filled with the most random junk anyone had ever seen and couldn't possibly want. "Would you like this lovely lamp?" Dornkirk asked hopefully, holding up some tattered cloth and wires. "Six-fifty marked down from ten! It's a _bargain_!"

"Uh…no thanks…" Hitomi inched away from the pile of garbage, wondering if the unpleasant smell she'd just noticed was from that or Dornkirk himself.

"Once activated," Dornkirk cried dramatically, throwing down the lamp, "the Atlantis Machine _cannot_ be stopped!" He paused for a moment. "Seriously, I lost the keys and forgot the password. My bad."

"What an idiot…" Hitomi grumbled. "Van, get the heck down here!"

"_Hitomiiiiii_!" Van appeared inside the large, glowing globe in the ceiling, and dove for his beloved psychic girl.

_Splat_!

Van hit the glass but his spindly weight wasn't enough to break it. Go eat a damn sandwich, kid!

"_Son_ of a-" Van hissed in pain, trying to find a way to break through and get into the factory.

"No, Van! Hit it with your head!" Hitomi suggested. "Your HEAD!" Van tried it. And it worked.

_Crack_!

Van punched through the globe headfirst and came tumbling into the large room with Hitomi and Dornkirk's ghost. Hitomi jumped up into his arms, and together the two rose up into the air…or at least tried to.

"_Hoo_, girl!" Van panted, beating his wings for all he was worth. "Did you gain weight or something? You weigh a frickin' _ton_!"

"Suck it up!" Hitomi snapped, bonking him on the head as they struggled upward.

Dornkirk, watching the two fight so sweetly, began fading away as he mused to himself.

"This…_love_ they have for each other…this horny emotion of theirs…does it surpass that fate of war which is born of man? Can this single moment last forever? This moment, created by two easily swayed human hearts?" The voice paused for an instant, then burst into sobs. "Oh, _screw_ porno! From now on I'm only reading _romance_! Waah!"

As Hitomi and Van continued to rise upward, a strange light began to shine from their bodies.

"Turn your damn flashlight off, Van!"

"I can't, the button's stuck!"

"I'll stick _your_ button!"

"Hey, that sounds kinda kink-"

_Whack_!

Hitomi hit him with the flashlight. Outside the factory, the green Beam o' Light gasped and cocked its head, hearing something.

"Whuzzat, cuz? Moonshine and hot sisters? I'm _there_!" Immediately the Beam o' Light departed, letting the clouds disperse and rays of sunlight break through.

Everyone on the battlefield watched in amazement as Hitomi and Van rose into the sky, holding each other tightly (because otherwise Van was liable to drop her).

"_Awww_…" The battle-hardened men were touched at the sweetness of the sight, even General Adelphos, who stood among his men, tears dribbling down his face and soaking his mustache.

"It's almost as sweet as when Trishelle and Steven Hill hooked up on the Real World!" He whimpered, wiping at his sopping face.

"That wasn't sweet, that was _nasty_!" Someone shouted from the crowd.

"Who the _bleep_ said that?!" Adelphos exploded, drawing his sword and rushing into the throng. "How _dare_ you!!"

All the soldiers stared up at the pretty blue sky above them speckled with clouds and no longer felt like being dumb and fighting. Allen tightly clutched Selena to his side, in the middle of making plans to make sure she never got away from him again.

"Yes, hello?" He spoke into his cell-phone. "I'd like to order a steel birdcage, please, ten feet tall and five feet wide. Oh, and can you make sure there's a perch to sit on, and a sippy cup in there somewhere? And don't forget to lay down some newspaper! Okay, thanks! Buh-bye!" He snapped the phone closed as Selena looked up at him curiously.

"What was that?" She asked.

"Oh, nothing!" Allen smiled innocently at her. "It's a…surprise!" He then turned to the side and whispered in an evil voice, "You may have escaped my clutches, Hitomi, but I have another victim! _Huhuhuhua_!"

"Huh?"

"Oh, uh, huhahah! Allergies, y'know."

-Present Time-

Hitomi stood off by herself, staring out at the bay of the sea as several annoying girls gossiped loudly on a small porch nearby.

"So then I told him that the baby was _his_," one girl was saying, "an you know what _he_ did? The bastard skipped town! Talk about _lame_!"

"Oh, snap! Oh, snap!" The other girls giggled. "Was he _really_ the baby daddy?"

"Hell, I don't know!" The first girl huffed and bobbed her head angrily. "I don't take no _names_, bitch!"

"I know how to find out!" One of the girls volunteered. "Have your fortune read by Miss Cleo, or better yet, Hitomi! Hey, Hitomi!" She called over to the lone psychic girl.

"Eh?" Hitomi blinked and looked over at the girls. "What do _you_ whores want?" She asked bluntly.

"Come on, Hitomi! Tell this ho who her baby's daddy is!" The girls begged.

"Sorry," Hitomi apologized, shaking her head and adjusting her grip on her Magical Traveling Gym Bag, which was no longer magical or traveling, and just a boring old gym bag again. "Ain't no way to tell _that_. Plus I've given up fortune telling. Too many unwanted side effects, like horrific visions and emotional scars. Now _bleep_ off and leave me alone."

-Let's Jump Back a Few Days, to Before Hitomi Went Home!-

Back on the world of Gaea, things were happening in the ruined city of Fanelia. The same workmen (who immediately stopped doing things once the camera was off them) were busy pretending to work hard on reconstructing houses for the burned-out hole of a town. And as you know, wherever houses are being rebuilt, so there are also extremely annoying show hosts with megaphones.

"Alright, let's go people!" Ty Pennington shouted, using his handy microphone to enhance his already loud and annoying voice to be ten times more loud and annoying. "Build those houses! Hammer that nail! Saw that wood! _Yeaaaah_! Good job, everyone! I just yell as loud as I can to hide how sad and unhappy I am inside! Someone hold me, _please_!" He dissolved into tears and hugged his knees, rocking back and forth in despair.

The workers of Fanelia stared at him for several seconds, then decided to put him out of his misery by beating him over the head with shovels, then burying his body and the evidence underneath one of the new houses.

"_We tell no-one of this_…" the workers whispered as they shoveled the last load of dirt over the site. "_Even though…they probably won't mind_…"

Children ran around the streets, making a ruckus, as did Merle. She screeched to a halt in front of an almost-finished house and hollered up.

"Hey, fatties!" She held up a package. "Here's your dinner! I ate half of it and the rest is full of cat hair! Hope you don't mind!"

"Get lost, brat!" The workers snarled, hurling their hammers at her.

In the woods behind where the castle of Fanelia once stood, Hitomi and Van were…making out. Hey, stop that! You're on the air!

"Oh! Er!" Van blushed madly and shoved Hitomi away, then quickly turned and kneeled before a large monument that was supposed to be a gravestone of some kind. He cleared his throat and began.

"Brother…we've finally come back to our homeland…" he said sadly. "Please…watch over our country's future from here…"

"Why're you talking like I'm _dead_?" Folken asked, standing right beside him.

"Wishful thinking on my part," Van sighed, standing up. Hitomi gave him a mild smack, then looked up at the large gravestone.

"It seems so long ago that I first came to Fanelia…" she said softly. "And I _still_ can't get the smell of whisky and hogs out of my clothes. So…what now?" She looked over at Van.

"Well," Van began, "first we take off our clothes, then we-"

"In the _story_!" Hitomi grated.

"…First we take off our clothes, then we-"

"_Guuh_!" Hitomi made an exasperated sound, then turned to look at Folken imploringly. The man shrugged and thought a minute.

"Everyone's dreams will go on, creating Gaea," was all he could come up with. Hitomi rolled her eyes but accepted it. Van, meanwhile, had walked away from the two and stood staring at the Escaflowne (who was kneeling a little ways from the grave), a strange, sad look in his eyes.

"…_What_?" The Escaflowne asked nervously, not used to his master looking at him in such a way.

"I _love_ you, buddy!" Van gushed, tears filling his eyes.

"…Dude. Stay the _bleep_ away from me." The Escaflowne scooted backwards as quickly as it could.

"Get over here and give your master a HUG!" Van demanded, going after the melef with arms outstretched.

"No! You can't make me!" The Escaflowne howled, jumping up and running off, Van giving chase. The lumbering melef accidentally tripped over a tree root, and Van seized the chance to jump onto its torso and extract the pink Energist from its chest gem. Immediately the pristine white melef went limp and flopped down like someone who'd…just gotten his Energist torn out!

"Thank you, Escaflowne…" Van said sincerely as he stared at his precious Guymelef, Energist in hand. "Thank you…for being such an A-HOLE!" With the last word, he whipped the Energist at the Escaflowne's head, but as we all know, his aim was terrible, and instead the pink crystal popped right back into the Escaflowne's chest gem. The Escaflowne bolted upright, looking to the left and right in surprise.

"Wha! Whoa! I'm back! What'd I miss?" It asked.

"Aww, _nerts_…" Van kicked at the ground sulkily and shuffled up to Hitomi.

"Van…" Hitomi said softly.

"I wanted to keep the Escaflowne asleep…" Van sighed. "I really didn't wanna have to put up with him anymore, but…" He glanced over his shoulder at the uncouth melef, who glared right back.

"Keep _talkin'_, pansy." It growled warningly.

"Well, thems the breaks." Van shrugged his shoulders and accepted his fate. "Guess I've got no choice but to settle for this."

"Sucks to be you," Hitomi joked with a smile. "Lucky for me, I get to go home! _Yesss_!" She pumped a fist in the air triumphantly.

"It's okay," Van agreed. "We can call each other anytime we want! After all, we both have cell-phones, don't we?"

"But…you're not on my network," Hitomi sadly pointed out.

"Oh." Van's eyes narrowed. "_Ohhhh_."

"Here." Hitomi held out her pendant, tears beginning to sting her eyes. "Keep it. I don't want any more freaky visions anyway. Plus it matches your eyes."

"Ooh, it _does_!" Van gushed, snatching the necklace away and putting it on. He wrapped his arms around Hitomi and gave her a hug. Everyone may now go '_awwww'_.

"I won't forget you," Hitomi promised, crying into his shoulder. "No matter how hard I try, or how many pills I take! Oh, God!" She cried even harder.

"I, uh, love you too, baby," Van replied uneasily.

"Aww, ain't that sweet!" The ghost of Van's daddy, Goal, cooed, watching his son off to the side with his purty Atlantean wife, Varie.

"Yes, it is!" Varie agreed, smiling proudly. "Van's finally grown up! …Kinda."

"Hey," Goal purred, sidling up close to his wife, "this reminds me of the time-"

_Smack_!

"Don't touch me."

The deceased Princess Marlene and the Duke Freid watched the two hug, also, with the spoiled older princess throwing herself all over her husband.

"Oh, Genghis!" She sang, "Conquer me!"

"Sweet bastard…" The Duke sighed. "Maybe it's time to shave off my beard and mustache…"

Nariya and Eriya, with new nails and weaves, mewled in adoration at the two hugging. Balgus paid no attention, instead huggling his precious 20-foot long sword like a long-lost lover.

"Ohh, Betty!" He crooned, kissing the cold steel again and again. "I missed you! Did you miss me? You DID? Oh, I knew-"

"I promised myself I wasn't gonna cry!" Gong-man's ghost sobbed, wiping away a tear. Then he caught sight of the two cat-twins. "Me-_ow_! Hey there, sexies! You free this evenin'?"

"Hey! Stay away from my hot cohorts, you hear?!" Folken snarled, trying to shove Gong-man away from his cronies and failing because, hey, they're _ghosts_.

"They're not _yours_ anymore, Folken!" Dornkirk chuckled, appearing behind the two girls. "Whom do you serve, ladies?"

"You, Lord Dornkirk!" Nariya and Eriya chorused, each taking an arm. Dornkirk beamed.

"It's a _liiiiiiiieeeeee_!" Folken screamed in despair, then recovered a second later. "Eeh, I can get new ones."

Hitomi and Van's hug finally finished, the two stepping apart and looking at each other.

"Now, if you'll do the honors," Van prompted. Hitomi smiled and nodded, then closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath.

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH_!" Immediately the usual Beam o' Light appeared and began pulling her slowly upward into the sky. "Goodbye, Van!" She called down.

"Hitomi!" Van gasped, eyes wide and mouth dropping open. What? Had she forgotten something? Did he have one last thing to say? "I can see your _panties_!"

Hitomi sighed but decided to let him off the hook, for old time's sake.

"Later, girlie!" The Escaflowne called, waving.

"I'll let you know when my new hot cohort applications come out!" Folken cried. Hitomi laughed and rose even higher. The Beam o' Light could be seen rising from the ruins of Fanelia, but the people only paused and gave it a disinterested glance.

"Well, I suppose _that's_ normal." They shrugged and carried on with their work.

"Yeah, get outta here, you stupid skank!" Merle shouted at the pillar of light, pulling up her skirt and mooning it for good measure. "I never wanna see your ugly mug again! I…I…I'll miss you, Hitomi! _Waaaaaaah_!" She sat down and broke down into heart-wrenching sobs.

"_Idiot_…" Everyone muttered.

On the path to the graveyard of Austuria, Allen was strolling along, tugging a huge iron birdcage on a wagon behind him.

"Let me outta here, you freak!" Selena screeched, rattling the bars and trying to break her way out. "What is this, Silence of the Frickin' Lambs?!"

"_Ooh_! Look, purty!" Allen caught sight of the Beam o' Light and waved. "Bye, Hitomi! Hey, wait…this means I'm _single_ again! _Whoooo_!" He did a cartwheel as Selena managed to pry the lock open and jumped out to maul him.

The crew of the Crusade also saw the pillar of light, and they all waved happily.

"Hey, Gaddess!" Kio called, in a good mood. "We'll let you park the Crusade, okay?"

"Wow, _thanks_!" Gaddess ran excitedly into the airship and immediately crashed it into all the new houses that had just been built, then burst into flames.

"I _knew_ it was just a fluke!" Reeden moaned, as Gaddess dragged himself from the smoking wreckage.

"Buh-bye, Hitomiiiii!" Princess Millerna sang, waving from a balcony in the castle. She'd changed from her royal raiment to the blouse and leggings combo once again. "I'm still hotter than you, and don't you _ever_ forget it!" Princess Eries hobbled out next to her sister, who turned to her and stated: "And I'm _waaaay_ hotter than you!"

Princess Eries' eyes narrowed, and she shoved Millerna off the balcony and into the hedge once again.

Dryden, in some far-off country, saw a glimpse of the beam over the ocean and smiled.

"See you later, little lady!" He grinned, then went back to selling the poor people of the country Clown Insurance. "You'll be needing it, for when the funny ones come for _you_!"

Prince Chid, in Freid, ran around annoying the praying monks until they snapped and gave him a sound spanking. The Moleman was too busy getting signed on a new sitcom with a fat, ugly husband with a beautiful, sexy wife to notice Hitomi's departure. Finally, Hitomi had gone home.

-Back to the Present, Now!-

"Did you hear?" The ho's were gossiping. "Amano's got the hots for Yukari, now! I heard he's driving her totally _crazy_! The poor girl! But she asked for it, goin' on that date with him!"

Hitomi blinked and gasped as an image of Van appeared in the bay before her. He sat on some rocks by the sea and smiled at her before the seagulls went for him and he was forced to run like hell or be pecked to death.

"Oh, Van…" Hitomi laughed. "I'm doing just fine! I'll be alright! At least it's all over now!"

"Or IS it?" The Magical Traveling Gym Bag chuckled evilly.

"Oh, shi-"

-Episode 26 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: _Daaaaaaaaaaamn_! Finally, I'm done! Done done done done! Horray! Where's the million bucks and private island? Wha…there is none? Oh, right, I just did this because I felt like it. _Dammit_! Oh, well, I hope you all enjoyed this series and got a laugh out of it. Don't forget, I'm planning on also doing the Escaflowne movie, which will probably take a _loooong_ time because it's the equivalent of about three normal episodes. So don't expect it for a few months! I also plan on doing a little 'extra' as a last chapter, which I'll put up in a few days to complete the collection. Well, okay! Review, please! Thanks for reading! Bye!


	27. Escaflowne Extra: Character Profiles

Author's Note: Yeah, here's a little extra that I whipped up for no apparent reason. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I still don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Character Profiles

Here are the profiles for the characters as they are in My Vision of Escaflowne, since their personalities have changed quite a bit (and some not at all).

Hitomi Kanzaki: Hitomi is a girl who hates stupidity. When she sees it, she just wants to smack it back into shape. Which she does frequently with Van and Allen, seeing as they are physical manifestations of moronity and idioticness. And I _know_ those aren't words. They're ones I created especially for those two goons. She is also quite skilled at fortune telling, using her magical deck of Tarot Cards to predict the future. Too bad these cards have a rather annoying side-effect – getting whisked away into frequent and bloody visions of death and suffering. She now needs bouts of counseling coupled with powerful anti-depressants just to get through the day. Having had so many visions, Hitomi has begun categorizing them on the level of their severity, as it helps her cope somewhat. She holds grudges against both Merle and Millerna, not only because they've tried to kill her numerous times, but just because they're two mean bitches. She has confusing conflicting feelings toward Van, at times not sure whether she wants to kill or kiss him. At least she's sure about Allen – she just wants to kick him in the _naaaads_.

Van Fanel: Van is a wimp, plain and simple. The poor boy can't even face an opponent and keep his pants dry, due to his extremely weak bladder and complete lack of courage. At times he tries to prove himself a true hero, but only manages to keep up the faux until the enemy is either gone or killed off by someone else (preferably the latter). Van has an extreme hatred for Merle and will do anything to get away from her, a fact she both knows and resents. He also has a strange attachment to Hitomi, which causes him to hit on her at the most inappropriate times and so incur her wrath. Van also has no skill with either the blade or bows and arrows, as he always either ends up stabbing himself or shooting something that was not the intended target (usually an unsuspecting bystander). He has parental issues since he was abandoned as a child, and Balgus with his 20-foot long sword didn't really help any. From his mother's side comes his Atlantean powers of growin' wings whenever he feels like it, and they're very purty, too. Van hates his brother with a burning passion, going into killing mode whenever so much as his name is mentioned. He also has a rocky relationship with the Escaflowne, fighting with it more often then working together. This, of course, leads to more bumps and bruises for him and more laughs from the melef. Van has to constantly bump heads with Allen both for the spotlight and Hitomi's attention. He's also scared bleep-less by Dilandau, who'd love nothing more than to set him on fire.

Allen Schezar: Allen loves boobies. 'nuff said. Nah, nah, just kidding. Allen Schezar is a Knight of Kaeli who was only accepted because Princess Marlene, his luv-_aaaah_, pulled a few strings and blackmailed several officers into letting him join. He's also a girl-hungry man-whore who loves to flirt and do other unmentionables with the ladies. He's even Marlene's baby-daddy! At first he has feelings for Princess Millerna, but he quickly gets over this once he sees how freakin' _nuts_ she is, and so diverts all his attention and horniness towards Hitomi, which she does not particularly appreciate. This leads to much pain on Allen's part and lots of bruised balls. He considers himself Van's 'friendly rival' and so always tries to make it a point to show up the young King, rubbing things in his face and generally making him feel like a loser. Allen's one true love is his hair, which he always keeps in top condition, shiny and lovely. He hates his mother, hates his dad even more, and lost his little sis when he let go of her hand at the bus-stop. Allen has a habit of calling his Guymelef Shcherazade "Sherry" for short, which is demeaning and also a _liiiittle_ gay. He also takes it out for new paint jobs and to get its nails done. Wait…is that even possible? Oh, hell, who cares, just read on.

Princess Millerna: Millerna is a ditzy Princess of Austuria who bullies the others into taking her along and making them put up with her ground-breaking stupidity. She loves Allen with a passion (to which he doesn't know whether to be flattered or horrified) and will do almost anything for him, including killing off the competition (such as Hitomi) whenever the chance arises, or even if there's no chance at all. She is able to put her good looks to use, however, by stripping and singing slutty songs long enough for the prey to be distracted ('prey' as in both good and bad guys alike). She loves butting into conversations and trying to pull attention onto herself, but usually ends up getting ignored. She is famous in Austuria for her horrendous doctoring habits, having tried curing several unwilling patients and instead killing them in rather violent ways. Because of this, the use of her medical practices are saved for the last possible choice, or if Allen is in some way involved. Millerna is somewhat confused when Dryden shows up, as he is a rich, handsome man who shows much interest in her despite her astonishing amount of stupidity and selfishness (or perhaps _because_ of them). It is yet to be seen whether she will leave her love, Allen, to be with Dryden. Better cross those fingers, Allen. And hope to GOD.

Dryden: Dryden is the rich merchant's son who butts his way in between Millerna and Allen's love affair, trying to steal the ditzy Princess away (not that Allen really minded). He's one of the few people in the show with actual common sense, and knows how to use it. He loathes Allen with a vengeance and makes no effort at all to hide it, always making jibes and jeers at Allen's womanly ways and hair. Wow, I like this guy already! His money helps the crew out a few times, for which they are most thankful. Now if he'd only just realize what a nut Millerna is…

The Escaflowne: The Escaflowne is a dick. Plain and simple. When he's not arguing with Van (_while_ he's trying to pilot it), he's laughing at everyone's suffering or hurling insults at those around him. He's a very disgruntled and ancient Ispano Guymelef who needs some serious help. He and Van rarely (never) get along, making battles involving him rather hard (downright impossible) for the young King. He's also quite a homophobe, dubbing anything he doesn't like (or understand) as '_gaaaaaay_…' and not liking anything in the least bit feminine to be on his person at any time. His insides reek of urine, and you can guess whose fault that is (smacks Van). Maybe that's why he's so bitter…. Anyway, he'll tolerate Hitomi to a point, but Van not at all. It is unknown whether anyone other than Van and Hitomi can hear him and his rude slurs. Let's hope they can't.

Merle: Merle is one mean little kitty who hates Hitomi with the intensity of a hundred thousand suns. For one, the psychic girl dropped outta nowhere and barged between Merle and Van's love-live (even though there wasn't really one, no matter what Merle thinks). Second, Hitomi's actually _useful_ with her psychic powers while all Merle has is her pissyness and sharp nails and teeth. And thirdly…well, there is no thirdly, Merle just hates the skank. She stole Van from her, does she _need_ another reason? Merle is Van's childhood friend, having grown up with him in the windmill backwater town of Fanelia and annoying him all his life. How sweet. Now she constantly quarrels over him with Hitomi, yelling at everyone and anyone else who gets in the way. All in all, Merle is selfish, rude, nasty, pissy, and just plain mean. Stay far, far away from her at all costs, and even farther away from Van.

Folken: Folken is a man at his wits end. Working for a senile old fool erodes at his sanity like rust on metal. It also doesn't help that he's the only person in the entire Zaibach army with even the slightest trace of intelligence, besides Dilandau, who's an ass, and Nariya and Eriya, his two ho's. Folken has a dark, gothic side to him that others just don't understand and don't necessarily want to. He has a fetish for long, dark clothes and anything vampiric, which causes others to view him as weird and a 'vampire-wannabe'. He also likes fast-food, especially pizza, and loves to insult his little brother whenever given the chance. Despite Van's great hatred toward him, Folken is still open and loving to his brother, and wants nothing more than to take him over to the dark side, brainwash the little bastard into oblivion, and make him slaughter the good guys in the name of Zaibach. Is that really too much to ask for? Despite what he says on various occasions, Folken enjoys the Nintendo DS as much and even more so than his boss, sometimes stealing the contraption away from him to play with it himself. It is shown he is a much better gamer than Dorny, since he easily smashed his high-score in several games. He's a powerful asset for whichever side he's on, and good thing, too, because he's quite the flip-flopper.

Nariya and Eriya: Two hot cat-girl twins that Folken rescued when they were children and grew up to be…well, hot. They love Folken dearly and will do anything for him, including killing Van, which Folken thinks is quite the turn-on. They have a liking for getting their hair and nails done, as well as mice and catnip. Hey, what? They're cats! What did you expect? They're also very lucky, winning lotteries for Folken and giving him all the cash. They can be quite silly at times.

Dornkirk: Dornkirk is one quirky old man. He has a deep love for Nintendo, as he owned a Gameboy in his younger days, then began upgrading with the trends, from the old clunky silver one, to the pocket, color, advance, SP, and then the Nintendo DS, which he now owns and loves the crap out of. He likes Mario, Zelda, and Nintendogs, adopting a chocolate lab that he dubbed "Sexual Chocolate". Dornkirk, since he is quite aged, sometimes shows symptoms of Alzheimer's, as he frequently forgets what he was talking about and starts rambling on about something totally different. That and he craps his pants a lot. Even in his old age, Dorny has a love for the ladies that just won't die out (no matter how much everyone wants it to), and he even uses his Destiny Prognosti-do-hickey (he calls it that, since he can't pronounce the name of his own contraption) to spy on them. After hearing of a girl from the Messed-up Moon with hot legs, Dornkirk has been rather excited to meet the lady and see if the rumors are true. Run, Hitomi! Run!

Dilandau: Dilandau is an even bigger dick than the Escaflowne. The only difference is his fetish for fire, and he doesn't smell like urine. Only of rotting soul. Seriously, he has no conscience whatsoever and will do anything he wants, whenever he wants, no matter the situation. If he feels like shaving a poodle and then lighting it up with firecrackers, he'll damn well do it with no hesitation. Dilandau does have one thing going for him – his looks. He's one pretty pyromaniac. He's got some smarts but doesn't know how to use them, instead opting for the 'torch everything' method. His past is questionable, and his mental health even more so. He has a burning hatred for Van, who scarred his face (by accident) and so lives to disembowel the Fanelian King and generally make his life miserable. He's very anal about his hair and beauty products, needing specific brands or he throws a fit. He and Folken also can't stand one another, making working together for them impossible. Good thing he's got his bitches, I mean, the Dragonslayers for company.

Jajuka: Jajuka is Dilly's loyal (and adorable) doggy servant. Sure he only shows up in the last few episodes, but he's so sweet and attentive to Dilandau it's heart-warming! Once you look past his tendency to piddle on carpets and chew your shoes, you can really get to like the little fella! Plus he's got hair that's even nicer than Allen's, I swear. He must have really good Dog-Groomers.

The Dragonslayers: They are Dilandau's loyal slaves and minions. And they're all dead. Boo-hoo. They (or at least the ones with names) consist of Gatti, the suck-up, Chesta, the wimp, Dallet, the vain one, Miguel, the one who got away, Guimel, the sheep-headed one, and Viole, the dude you only see once in that one episode in the beginning. All the others are nameless and faceless and just as dead. They were good while it lasted.

Gaddess: First and foremost, Gaddess is a horrible, horrible driver. It is said that he is even worse than Lyndsay Lohan, and every time he volunteers to take the wheel it strikes fear in everyone's heart. Due to this he is banned from ever touching the helm and will be stopped by force if necessary. Gaddess also harbors a deep resentment and burning hatred for the rest of the crew, causing him to have severe mental and emotional breakdowns, which he manages to hold in until he gets to his room. There he cries himself to sleep and eats fig-newtons until he feels better. Gaddess is also the one crewmember with the most common sense, always sticking to the script and desperately trying to move the story along so it'll be over faster. He's been with Allen the longest of all the crew, and so is able to understand him the most and know what to do in certain situations, which mostly involves yelling and hitting. He is still a loyal and steadfast second-in-command, even acting as the Captain when Allen is being especially stupid, though he'll never let him find out about it. He's also a closet psycho, habitually thinking up plans of mass-genocide which he doesn't have the nerve to carry out, but perhaps one day will.

Reeden: Reeden has a huge man-crush on Gaddess. He not only thinks he would make a much better Captain than Allen (obviously), but also writes about his feelings for him in his journal, which was mistakenly taken by Dryden and read aloud to the crew. Now everyone except Gaddess knows and snickers behind their hands. Reeden is also the shows labeled Bearer of Bad News. He's always the one to come hurtling in through the door, screaming of an enemy attack or shortage of bathroom tissue. This causes some people to treat him with superstition, and sometimes violence since Allen has apparently never heard of the phrase, "don't kill the messenger".

Other Crewmembers of the Crusade: Other crewmembers of the Crusade include Kio: the big, bearded one, Pyle: the fat, ugly one, and Oruto: the bald one. There are several others that appear at times but I forgot their names so, hey, they're not important. The only thing common among all the crewmembers is their immense hatred for their captain.

Princess Eriya: Millerna's much smarterer sister who for some reason always wears a veil, funny ear-jewelry, and a hobble-skirt. She frequently falls over and can't get up. And she hates her stupid little sister, too.

Balgus: Balgus is an old-time friend of Van's papa, and a tough, grizzled warrior. He's a giant of a man with vivid facial scars and a 20-foot long sword, plus his shlong is frickin' huge. He taught (or at least tried to) Van how to fight since childhood, but it didn't really help Van any. He got killed in one of the first episodes, which is total bull crap.

Goal and Varie: Van's momma and poppa. Goal's got a funny moustache and is as stupid as his son, while Varie's a beautiful Atlantean who gave into fate and married the moustached-moron. They're both dead, of course.

The Duchy of Freid: A strict man who instantly reminds everyone of a certain war-like Mongolian, Genghis Kahn. This irritates him to no end, plus he knows Chid's not his own kid, which you'd think would be a relief. He truly loved Marlene (aww) and gets horribly shot to death in a bloody battle with Zaibach (eww).

Prince Chid: An annoying little brat that was spawned from the demented seed of Allen's loins. His ma is the late Princess Marlene, making Millerna his crazy aunt. He's a bit of a crybaby and a little spoiled, but he means well.

Borus: Chid's caretaker. He's big and got a beard. Borus coo. We like Borus. Oh, and he's a horrible singer. Plus he's dead. Sniffle.

Selena: Allen's long-lost sister who he finds he is strangely attracted to. _Eugh_! She ran away from home as a child and disappeared for many years before poppin' back up and surprising everyone. And it turns out she's also Dilandau, which is just plain disturbing. And no, I'd rather not know how she changes from female to male and back again. I don't need any more nightmares.

William Du-Fancy-Pants: A young Sorcerer who randomly appears for comic relief. He's in a relationship with a lovely young woman, and they're even expecting a baby soon! Whoo! Oh, wait, they're not even married, are they? Boo! Go get hitched!

(I didn't forget anyone, did I? Sure hope not. Sorry if I did.)

Escaflowne Extra: How I Did It

This is just a little extra tellin' you all how I wrote these fics. You may not realize, but a lot of hard work and time goes into them. And sanity, don't forget sanity. There's a good reason it takes two or more weeks to dole a new chapter out! And here it is!

First of all, before I even began my project, I needed to get my hands on all the Escaflowne episodes for reference. Gotta know what I'm makin' fun of, right? Luckily I had been able to purchase the boxed series (special edition, on three discs) from Ebay about a year before, so that was taken care of. Then all I needed was something to watch them on, some paper, and a pencil. Here's what I did…

For the first few episodes/chapters, all I would do was watch the whole Escaflowne episode through, then try and remember what happened as I rewrote it into a fun-filled fic. This didn't last long, because I felt it wasn't good or funny enough. So I began paying more attention to everything, and taking my time watching the episode. By the fifth episode, I had my method down. I'd watch the episode, pausing about every five seconds and quickly writing things down, like what people had just said or done, only funnied and changed up a bit. I also took notes on the environment, characters, etc, so I could remember almost everything on the episode for when I would write the corresponding fic. You can image how long this would take. You can't? Okay, I'll tell you: One episode of Escaflowne, minus the opening and ending, is always about 20 minutes long. It took me at least _three hours_ to get through all of those twenty minutes, as, if you remember, I was pausing every few seconds to write stuff down. This can lead to much hand-cramping and headaches, so I'd try to do the episode in five-minute chunks, then take a break for an hour before doing another. I normally devoted a whole day to this first process, writing down everything in a notebook to be used for when I write the actual fic. I had to choose my day wisely, make sure I wouldn't be doing much or had nothing to worry about on them, so I could focus solely on making the episode funny.

When I was done watching the episode and writing down everything that had happened, then I would move on to writing the episode chapter. At first, they averaged below ten pages, but as I began watching the episodes more carefully, they lengthened quite a bit. That last episode, number 26, was (ironically) 26 pages long on my Microsoft Word, and a lot of the others chapters are just as long. I would take the notebook with my notes and type down what happened and was said, but tried to funny it up even more, which lead to the resulting chapters everyone's read. I tried to write five pages a day, but even that's pushing it since I'm in the middle of college and have lots of homework and crap to do. So, all in all, you can see how it takes me two weeks to make one chapter, it's a whole lot of work! I had no idea what I was getting myself into! No wonder it took me two (or three?) years to finish! And guess what? My next project is going to be all the Blood + episodes, totally messed with and funnied up like my Escaflowne ones. I must be crazy, there are 52 of those suckers, twice as much as what I just did. However, I've resolved to not go so far as with my Escaflowne (writing down exactly what someone said, what happened), but just try and get the gist of things and try to keep the chapters under ten pages at the most. I really don't think I'll stay sane if I have to write 25 pages each for 52 episodes! _Gaaaah_! Thinking about it makes my brain hurt! Well, thanks for reading, and maybe this'll give others ideas for messing with other anime series that they enjoy! I sure hope so! If it does, be committed, and don't give up! Also, make sure you have fun doing it! Thanks again! Bye!

-Dilly-Oh

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.


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